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“Why do you love Chuuya?” She asked solemnly.
Kouyou knew that Dazai , the sharp darkness that carefully guarded the soft hollowness of his center.
But she also had grown to know this Dazai, she knew that the sharpness has been rounding, sanding smooth corners and even angles.
The thought of it felt like ash in her mouth. The difference wasn’t as drastic as salt and sweet. But it was similar, like a sour candy with a sweet inside.
“I think I love him because I trust him.” He said simply, because it is simple and it’s easy to identify.
“But.. I know..” he sighed, chewing his words. As if it was difficult to decide. Because it was, it just simply was. No motives, no secret meaning, it was just difficult.
“But I know I love him because he trusts me.” He finally decides on.
“No one trusts me, and I don’t blame them for it.” He smiled softly, “I’m a cheater and a liar. I take and I never offer anything in return.” The words flow out easier than the ones before, easier than the confession that felt like charred glass in his mouth.
He laughed a bit, seemingly frustrated with himself, “I almost… I almost want to put it in writing. Put it on a sticky note and fold it forever.”
“And I never want it to be opened, but…” He paused
“But?” She asked
His voice wavered but his face betrayed nothing, “I want it to last through time.”
Her gaze softened, her eyes relaxed slightly and her smile lines rested from their peak.
“I want it to be known that I felt… that.” He lowered his gaze
“Love?” She clarifies
He kept his eyes down
She looked at him. He really was different. He looked the same, the same curls and baby face. The picked nails and the eye bags. But the darkness aged him, not physically but mentally. A child walking in the boots of a man. Looking at him was like wearing a coat that didn’t quite fit.
“I thought I knew you.” Kouyou she said slowly
“Cold and calculated…a trained dog. Meant for the ring” she shook her head slightly, talking with a slightly sarcastic tone.
“And then you left, and I was…” Angry wasn’t the right word, “confused.”
“I wondered why you would leave your family so quickly.” She looked rueful.
He picked at his finger nails.
“But I was wrong” She breathed. “And I think I’ve finally decided how I feel about you.”
She grasped his face gently, turning his gaze up to her. “Even the most traitorous and wild dogs deserve a retirement.” She smiled
His eyes widened, his mouth slightly opened. Kind words were like knives and bullets to him. Always striking for the heart.
She lightly grabbed his shoulders, giving him a chance to opt out, then slowly pulled him in for a hug. Kindness wasn’t naturally in Kouyous nature, but the look on his face, the same baby face from before… it made her weak.
Dazai laid limp, eyes still wide, lips buried in her shoulder.
After a minute of silent stillness, he lightly lifted his arms. Like he didn’t know what to do with them. Like fresh strings were cut, leaving a limp doll.
He slowly wrapped them around her. He let out a small, breathy whimper, hugging her tighter.
“I do love you, littlest brother.” She said. “And Chuuya could have no one he should trust more.” The word trust meant so much to him.
He felt rounded and soft, like she chiseled off the final edge. He closed his eyes, holding her impossibly tight.
He had been wondering all his life, wandering for answers. It seemed now his search was over.
It really was worth it.