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The first time I held you in my arms, I never wanted to let you go.
From the day Phoenix was born, the Theerapanyakul house was never the same again. It became noisier, more alarms were installed, there was more disorder and the bodyguards multiplied. But it also became warmer, lively. Happy.
The first few months had been exhausting, but every night when the newborn fell asleep, both Kinn and Porsche longed for the first rays of sunlight to come so they could see their baby's tiny eyes and delight in the sound of his laughter again.
Tankhun said he had never met parents who preferred noisy mornings to quiet nights.
"Do your batteries never run flat or what?" He told them once when he found them awake even before Phoenix, who had fallen asleep after three stories invented by Porsche, a bottle and two lullabies.
But Thankhun didn't understand that, no matter how tired they were, Kinn and Porsche felt much happier when Phoenix was in their arms, waving his little hands and talking with them in babbles.
Eight years had passed since those early days.
Eight years where many things had changed.
"Again?" Kinn heard from the bedroom door, causing him to separate from Porsche. Even though their nightly activities were as wild as if they were a newly-in-love couple, they never locked their room. The kids were still too young, and they wanted them to be completely free to seek them out if they needed help. What if Phoenix had a bad dream, or little Beam came crying because she’d been pranked? Both Kinn and Porsche had agreed that they would never deny access to their children, all their needs could wait if it came to them.
"Beam, daddy Kinn and daddy Porsche are kissing again!" Phoenix said to the person behind him.
"Really?" Beam's sweet voice was heard from outside. "Step back, I want to see."
From the bed, Kinn and Porsche smiled in amusement. It was not abnormal for them to show affection in front of their children; they would hold hands, give each other a peck, or just lightly caress some part of their bodies, such as an arm or face. Both considered it important that their kids, who were sometimes involved in issues of the underworld despite their young age, grew up thinking that love existed, that it was not weak to feel it or to show it.
Beam, being the only girl in the family, used to say that it was quite romantic to see her parents during those times. The little girl, extremely intelligent like Kinn, shared with Porsche her sensitive side. "When I grow up," she once told them, "I would like to find a love as great as yours." Porsche teared up, remembering everything he had to go through to be with Kinn and thinking that, even if it had been worse, he would do it again a million times, because Kinn had and always would be his greatest happiness. "Surely you'll find it."
"And the kiss?" Beam asked them with her hands on her hips the moment she walked in and saw her parents smiling at her.
Porsche couldn’t help but laugh.
"Six years old and you're a real Theerapanyakul, Beam." Porsche said. "Confident, calm, straight to the point." He said, turning his gaze to Kinn. "Who will you remind me of?" Kinn looked at him, stroking his hair.
"Who wants to see the kiss? We see it every day. Let's go to the park!" Phoenix raised his arms in the air, emphasizing his request.
"Daddy Kinn and daddy Porsche are resting, Phoenix. Didn't you see them arrive late yesterday? Don't be a drag."
"No park then?"
The voice of disappointment touched Kinn. How could he say no to his kids after a week of work in which he had hardly been able to spend time with them?
"Going to the park doesn't sound like a bad idea, don't you think, babe? We can eat ice cream, take a walk and then watch them play from a bench."
Porsche nodded and smiled. Kinn loved that smile, he could get lost for hours watching it.
"All right, it's settled." Porsche clapped his hands, bringing Kinn back to reality. "We'll change, I'll get Noh and we'll go."
"I can go get him." Beam jumped. "He's with uncle Kim and uncle Chay, right? I'll go."
"Are you crazy?" Phoenix stopped her, completely ignoring Porsche's scolding to not call his sister crazy. "What if you drop him? Leave it to me. I'm bigger and stronger, I'll handle it."
Phoenix, as the big brother, liked to protect others. He could be the naughtiest of them all, but his heart was also the biggest. Kinn sometimes joked with Porsche that Phoenix was his miniature version, and although Porsche refused to admit the resemblance because, according to him, he had never been so disobedient, deep down he was proud. A very strange pride that his son almost never obeyed orders, but over time he had come to realize that this same disobedience was always selective. For important things or when it came to someone else, Phoenix always obeyed. It was in the small details where he let out his rebellious side.
"I'll be right back." He said to his parents, walking towards the door. "Come on, Beam."
"Be careful." Porsche said, raising his voice a little so he could hear him.
"All under control. Don't worry, daddy." He replied. "And don't waste time smooching each other and get ready please!"
Both parents laughed.
"Phoenix looks just like you, babe. I'll never get tired of saying it." Kinn said, kissing his cheek.
"Don't even mention it." Porsche sighed.
"Come on. Let's get up before I throw the idea of the park out the window and choose to lick that beautiful chest you're showing me. Do you think I can make you come before the kids return?"
Porsche threw a pillow at him.
"Pervert."
- - -
Grow small flower, bloom big and beautiful.
After Phoenix had returned with Noh, who just turned one year old, Porsche decided to change his clothes while Kinn went out to give instructions. Three pairs of bodyguards were going to accompany them. The six best men. Kinn never took chances on any outing with his children.
He made it clear that his cell phone, and Porsche's, were going to be turned off and that they would only contact their head bodyguard in case of emergency. Neither of them was going to tolerate time spent with their children being interrupted by any trifle.
"Ready?"
"Yes!"
Beam and Phoenix jumped with joy, unable to contain their excitement. Getting out of the house had always been special, even if every now and then there were a few problems; still, they all loved the air of the wind on their faces or the noise of people walking. Kinn and Porsche, despite being the leaders of the largest and most influential mafia group in Thailand, they put their titles aside and tried to just be them, a couple in love sharing time with their three wonderful children.
Since Phoenix came into their lives, there wasn't a moment when they didn't try their best. The first child was difficult, trial and error were their daily bread, but seeing how Phoenix interacted with his siblings or that he still went to them whenever something happened to him or he wanted to express his ideas, they knew they had done a good job.
With Beam they had discovered a whole different world. She was the second, but since she was a baby, she had shown the gentleness of a young lady. While there were things they knew how to do better, it would be a lie to say that everything went smoothly. They were two men who had only interacted with men their entire lives. Beam had been a surprise and a gift they had never thought would ever appear. She was the conscience of the group, the most prudent, soft, but firm. She never refrained herself from saying whether something was wrong or right, and although she was younger, she used to scold Phoenix when he got into trouble.
Kinn and Porsche felt fulfilled with their two children, but years later when Noh was born, they couldn't believe the happiness in their hearts. Noh was a combination of Phoenix and Beam, but he also had a characteristic that belonged only to him. His smile. It was a smile like no other and every time he showed it, it was as if the place lit up. Porsche said that he had inherited it from Kinn.
It was a fantastic life they wouldn't trade for anything.
"Look, look! Look, daddy!" Beam came running over to where Kinn and Porsche had sat. A perfect spot that allowed them to keep a proper eye on their children as they ran and played in the park. Noh had stayed with them.
"What is it?" Kinn asked.
"It's a helicopter! Just like the one you took daddy Porsche on the first birthday you celebrated together." Kinn smiled.
"Did you really like the story we told you yesterday?"
"Yes!" She jumped on him, grabbing his legs. "I want to hear it again. Could you repeat it today before bed?" Beam looked at her parents expectantly.
"Sure thing, honey."
"Hooray!" She exclaimed, and ran away again. Phoenix was calling her.
"I also love the helicopter story." He smiled without looking at Porsche. "How about a little trip around town next month, on my birthday? It would be a great gift."
Porsche pushed him slightly on the shoulder.
"Kinn! Noh is here."
"And who's saying something inappropriate? I just want to go on a helicopter ride. You, me and maybe some turbulence wouldn't hurt. Things are more interesting when there are little shakes, don't you think?"
"Kinn!" He pushed him again. "Noh, honey, don't listen." He said covering his ears.
Kinn smiled wider.
- - -
And the nights, it's their time, but also ours.
"They look like angels." Porsche whispered as he watched his three children sleep. It had been an exhausting day, their energies drained completely. Even Noh had fallen fast asleep and they doubted he would wake up.
"They are." Kinn agreed. "Although sometimes they do so many pranks that I'm surprised we haven't grown gray hairs yet."
Porsche laughed lightly, saying true, true.
Trying to make as little noise as possible, they left the room wishing their children only sweet dreams.
"Thank you, Kinn." Porsche said once they reached their quarters. He looked directly at him, with intensity and with many words he didn't know how to express. He took his hand and placed it on his face. Kinn returned his gaze without missing any detail of the way Porsche smiled at him or the unique gleam in his eyes. "Thank you for being with me, for being my husband and for giving me such an amazing family. Thank you for our children and—," he paused, brushing his hair back, as he had always loved to do. "Thank you for loving me."
Kinn hugged him tightly, pressing him against his body. He stayed like that for a minute, enjoying Porsche's warmth and scent.
"Thanks to you, babe. Thank you..."
They hugged regardless of time. They enjoyed the silence, the darkness, their mutual company. They kissed, touched and loved each other all night.
"I love you."
And between moans and heavy breathings, they didn't know who had said it first.
"I love you."