Archive of Our Own

‘So,’ the doctor said as she placed cold gel on my stomach, ‘halfway there now. Are you excited?’
‘Definitely,’ Austin answered from beside me. He was sitting on a stool, his hand interlaced with mine as I lay on the examination table ready for my twenty-week ultrasound. I looked at him, watching as his eyes lit up as he looked at the doctor, already a proud father.
‘And what about mom?’ she said as she started fiddling around with the ultrasound machine. 
‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘though my backs already hurting so I’m not looking forward to being any bigger.’
‘I’ve told her she needs to take it easy,’ Austin said, rolling his eyes.
‘I am!’ I protested.
‘Yeah, which is why I found you painting the baby’s room at 3 am,’ he chuckled.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I defended,  looking at the doctor as I explained, ‘heartburn.’
‘A mother’s curse,’ the doctor chuckled, ‘I can prescribe you some antacids that should help. But he’s right, you should be taking it easy.’
‘Okay, okay,’ I said, ‘I didn’t know it was gang up on the pregnant lady day.’
‘Well how about we stop all that and have a look at the baby,’ the doctor said. She swivelled the screen around so we could see.

The sonograph came on the screen and I took in every inch of it. The baby looked different from our last scan. Our last one had been very early in my pregnancy and due to Austin’s work schedule, we hadn’t managed to get back here. The baby had been a tiny thing with a big head, little arms and a hint of a tail. Now it looked like a baby, albeit tiny. A lump formed in my throat as I watched it moving on the screen and when I looked at Austin there were tears in his eyes.

‘And here's the baby's heartbeat,’ she said, clicking a button so a fluttering thump echoed around the room. 
‘Woah,’ Austin said softly as he held my hand underneath his chin. 
‘So,’ the doctor said, knocking the sound off. Austin pulled back but kept hold of my hand, ‘baby seems happy and healthy. Mom's blood work and measurements seem on target. Would you like to know the sex?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘No,’ Austin said simultaneously. We looked at each other in shock. 
‘You don’t want to find out?’ I said quietly, we hadn’t spoken about it beforehand. We’d shared our ideas on names but hadn’t landed on anything so I just figured that we’d find out at this scan and then decide from there.
‘No,’ he said, ‘I wanted it to be a surprise.’
‘Babe this whole pregnancy was a surprise,’ I giggled.
‘I know, I guess I just like the wonder of not knowing,’ he said. My eyes searched his pensive face. There was something more to it I could tell but I didn’t exactly want to get into whatever it was in front of my OBGYN.
‘If you want I can write it down and you can take it away. That way you can look at it anytime you want,’ she said.
‘No,’ Austin replied quietly, ‘it’s okay. Hit us with it.’

The doctor turned back to the screen and hit a few buttons so the image remained still. Then with a dainty finger, she pointed at a little bump. I squinted trying to determine what it was but she said, ‘you see that thing right there?’
‘Yeah,’ we nodded.
‘That means you’re having a boy,’ she said. The lump in my throat returned. A boy. A little Austin. I could picture him now in my mind. A cheeky little thing with blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. 

I was already in love but as I looked at Austin he didn’t seem to be in the same headspace. He caught my gaze and smiled weakly. I squoze his hand and he kissed my fingers but said nothing. My mind whirred at whatever was the matter with him but I decided it would have to wait.

✵✵✵

Austin was quiet on the way home from the hospital and I had decided to let him have some space. To let him think. But that was hours ago. Since then I had done two loads of laundry, ordered a ton of baby stuff and just finished putting dinner in the oven. As I placed the oven mitts on the side I wandered around downstairs and discovered Austin was nowhere to be found. 

So I trudged upstairs and found him sitting on our bed with a box of keepsakes in front of him, the contents of which were spread out around him. I lingered by the door frame watching him for a moment before he noticed me. He looked up at me with a small smile.

‘Hey,’ I said as I padded into the room. I put my hand on his cheek and he kissed it scooching over so I could sit next to him on the bed.
‘Hi,’ he mumbled. 
‘You okay?’ I asked.
‘Fine,’ he said. I looked at him and quirked an eyebrow. 
‘Are you sure?’ I said, ‘cos you’ve been awfully quiet.’
Austin sighed and leaned back against the headboard pulling me with him. I fell against him and tucked myself into his grasp as he moved my hair off my face.
‘I guess I’ve just been a little bothered,’ he said quietly.
‘About the baby?’ I asked, feeling him nod against me, ‘what is it?’
‘I don’t know,’ he murmured, ‘I guess I never really thought about having a boy.’
I pulled back from him, my eyes searching his face as my brows knitted together, ‘what?‘
‘I know, I know,’ he said, ‘it’s stupid.’
‘No, it’s just you gotta have realised it was fifty/fifty shot,’ I giggled leaning back into him. He smirked and nodded as I traced my fingers over the back of his hand which was gripping my waist. 
‘I did,’ he said quietly, ‘I guess it just worries me.’
‘What does?’
‘Having a boy.’
‘A baby’s a baby,’ I said.
‘I know I know,’ he sighed, moving so he could look at me, ‘I guess I just thought that with a girl at least you’d know what to do. I guess with a boy I feel like I should know what to do. How to lead, you know.’
‘That’s silly,’ I said, ‘boy or girl we’re not going to be prepared.’
‘I guess,’ he said, ‘it’s just…’
‘Just?’ 
‘I guess I’m worried he’s gonna be exactly like me,’ he said.

I pulled up a little and peered up at his face, my mouth agape. The idea of him being a mini Austin had been a wonderful one to me. 

‘Aus, you’re the best man I know,’ I baulked. He rolled his eyes, ‘yeah but I was a handful.’ 
‘I’m sure you were,’ I giggled. 
‘I don’t think there was a summer where I didn't have something in a cast,’ he said. He fumbled around on the bed, producing a photo of him proudly showing off his casted arm.
‘Kids break their arms Aus,’ I said.
‘It’s not just that. When my parents split up I was a nightmare. I got into fights, I pretended to be ill to get out of school,’ he said.
‘That’s all normal kid stuff,’ I said but he shook his head.
‘I guess. It just worries me…because I was so close to my mom…but not my dad. I guess I don’t know what to do because I’ve never had that sort of relationship you know?’ he said. I nodded as he continued, ‘when they split up I was so angry. I refused to play football like my dad wanted me to even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I was so mad at him. And I put on my mom a lot but she seemed to know what to do. My dad had no idea where to start. And that made me angrier. I was his son and he just ignored me hoping the problem would sort itself out. Then I just acted out more. Staying out too late, dropping out of school against his wishes for acting. I put my mom through the wringer because he didn’t get me.’
‘Just because your dad was like that doesn’t mean you will be. It doesn’t mean that you won’t know what to do. What you didn’t have you can give our baby. And you’re not expected to do it on your own. I’m here. We’re doing this together,’ I said, placing his hand on my belly as I looked at him. His face fell and he dropped his gaze from mine causing a pit to form in my stomach.

‘What if it’s not?’ he whispered, ‘what if we split up? What if I lose you?’
‘Aus-‘
‘Don’t say it won’t happen. I never thought I’d lose my mom but I did,’ he whispered. I sighed as I felt tears in my eyes. I tucked myself into him so I could hide my face from his gaze, allowing him to cuddle me tightly, his lips on my forehead. He kissed it gently. 
‘I can’t promise that. No one can,’ I said quietly after a moment, ‘but your mom didn’t want to leave you. They didn’t want to get divorced. No one does. But we don’t have control over everything. But we can choose to react differently. Better. We can support our kid just like your mom supported you. Be the parents we needed when we were younger. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ he mumbled, kissing me again.
‘Even if he puts us through hell. If we have countless sleepless nights. We’re going to keep going. Because one day he’ll be grown up, sitting on his bed looking through memories and pictures worrying about if he’s gonna be a good dad,’ I said.
‘I bet you’re right,’ he said.
‘I always am,’ I chuckled.
‘I’ll remember that,’ he smirked into my hair.
‘You should. And I for one am ecstatic to have another little you running about,’ I chuckled.
‘Yeah?’ he said.
‘Oh definitely,’ I said, ‘blonde hair, blue-eyed and a cheeky smile.’
‘That's what you think about me as a kid?’ he chuckled.
‘Am I wrong?’
‘No,’ he said, ‘but I’m sure you were just as cheeky.’
‘Oh honey,’ I whispered, ‘if you were worried about having a boy let me tell you. A girl like me is no walk in the park.’
‘Don't I know it,’ he chuckled.