Chapter Text
Tommy remembered when he first arrived at Logstedshire.
He screamed, he fought, he lashed out. It made Tommy sick to think back on. He'd been so ungrateful, it was no wonder everyone had given up on him.
Everyone, that was, except for Dream.
Tommy often found himself wondering why Dream stayed. Tommy was loud, brash, ungrateful, and crude. He'd broken the rules repeatedly and called Dream every name in the book. Hell, he'd even attacked him once!!
But Dream stayed. He kept reminding Tommy of the truth long after even Ghostbur had left, and eventually Tommy started to get better. He quieted down, learned to be responsible, take accountability, and appreciate what he was given, and become more polite.
Tommy hoped that if his former friends saw him today they'd be able to tolerate him. But Tommy's exile hadn't been lifted, so clearly they didn't think he'd learnt enough.
That was fine. Tommy could wait. Forever, if necessary. He knew he'd fucked up and he needed to pay for it.
The previous night, when Dream blew up Tommy's items, Tommy's tent caught fire. Which was fine, it was Tommy's fault.
He just didn't get around to putting it out until Dream left, and by then it was in shambles. Tommy didn't want Dream to feel obligated to replace it, so Tommy was gathering sticks to hopefully construct a cheap hybrid of a lean-to and a tent.
It… it wasn't going great. Tommy had already wasted most of the supplies on Logstedshire. Trees were sparse and the sticks he found weren't even worthy of being firewood, forget shelter.
But Tommy could work something out!! He hadn't died yet. He wasn't going to do what he'd done the prior night and sleep for maybe three hours in a cave.
Tommy dumped his pile of sticks on the ashes of his old tent and began trying to fiddle with them to construct something. He didn't want to be fucking useless.
Tommy pressed one stick into another and wrapped a particularly flexible twig around the two. The twig snapped, leaving just the inner part of the bark to bind the sticks.
But the instant Tommy let go, the twigs fell apart. He cringed.
He really was just an idiot. Tommy cursed his past self for wasting all the resources on Logstedshire on shit like weapons and armor.
Even mobs steered clear of Logstedshire.
Tommy almost chuckled at the rhyme in his head. He picked up another stick, and had an idea. Maybe he could try his hand at weaving and drive some sticks into the ground, dig out some of the area behind them, and lay a tarp on top. That didn't seem particularly horrible.
Sure, it'd be prone to flooding when spring came and Tommy would have to worry about the infrequent snows Logstedshire had been getting caving his roof in, but it would get the job done.
Tommy heard the sound of someone passing through the nether portal. He jumped to his feet.
Dream was frustrated. Tommy could see that from the way he carried himself, his hands ever so slightly more tense than usual.
Dream drew his shovel and popped it into the ground, shaking loose a large clump of dirt which he promptly dumped onto the side of the hole.
"Put your shit in the hole, Tommy," Dream ordered. Tommy sighed. Making his shelter would be far more difficult without the resources he'd already gathered.
Still, Tommy picked up every last stick and dropped them into the hole. He stepped back, covered his ears, and shut his eyes as Dream lit a stick of TNT and dropped it into the hole.
Vaguely, Tommy wondered if he could build a house out of ash. He certainly had plenty of that.
"That's really all you have?!" Dream snapped. Tommy flinched back.
"Sorry, Dream. I was trying-"
"Cut the excuses, Tommy," Dream warned. He slapped Tommy, hard. Tommy nodded, resisting the urge to rock back and forth. Dream didn't like it when he did that.
"I'm sorry," Tommy replied. Dream gave Tommy a curt nod.
"You should be."
"I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again-"
"We all know how useless your promises are, Tommy," Dream laughed. Tommy looked away.
"Sorry."
"Are you really sorry, or are you just worried that I won't give you food today?" Dream sneered. Right. Food. Tommy hadn't even given a thought to the way his empty stomach cramped, seeing as he had more pressing concerns.
"I'm a big man. I know better than to go for food I haven't earned, and I can go without it for a few days anyways," Tommy assured Dream. Dream nodded.
"Good. If you keep up the good behavior for the rest of my visit, I'll bring you a new tent tomorrow. It won't be as nice as the old one, but that's just the consequences of your actions," He decided. Tommy smiled.
"Thank you so much, Dream!!" He exclaimed. Dream chuckled.
"Don't make me regret it, Tommy."
"You know that if I stop deserving it, you can take it away," Tommy responded.
"That I can," Dream agreed.
"So, I noticed something was bugging you as you got here. What happened?" Tommy asked. Dream sat down and patted the ground for Tommy to sit next to him. Tommy dropped to the ground and stared at his friend.
"Sapnap's being dumb. He accused Eret of stealing something. I told him it was Fundy, but Sapnap insisted I was lying to defend them," Dream explained.
"That's rude. You don't lie," Tommy replied. Dream ruffled Tommy's hair and Tommy leaned into the touch.
"I'm glad that someone thinks so. You've clearly gotten smarter since you came to Logstedshire," Dream commented. Tommy nodded.
"I'm glad you think so."
"Either way, Sapnap and Eret are at each other's throats right now. If you were there, I imagine it'd be even worse," Dream chuckled. Tommy wilted, but laughed along with him anyways.
Dream was right about this kind of thing. Questioning him would only end in Tommy getting hurt.
"Yeah. I- I'm getting better, though, right?" Tommy checked. If Dream said no, Tommy didn't want to know what he'd do. The idea scared him.
"You have. At this rate, you might make it back to the main SMP not this coming Christmas, but the next one," Dream retorted. Tommy lit up.
"I'll keep trying to do better, I promise!!" He exclaimed. Dream chuckled.
"I'm sure you will, Tommy. As long as you don't… regress into any of your old habits, you've got this."
"Right." Tommy nodded vigorously, as if he could make his point more obvious. "I won't let you down."
"You've grown so much since the summer. I'm glad I stuck around, even after that incident where you ran from me." Dream put a hand on Tommy's shoulder, holding it uncomfortably tight.
"I shouldn't have done that," Tommy sighed. "I'm really sorry, Dream."
"I believe you. But if I catch you running again, there's going to be severe consequences. Consequences you won't like," Dream warned. He took his hand off of Tommy's shoulder. It would probably leave a bruise, but a bruise wasn't a big deal.
Tommy had handled far worse.
"I know," Tommy replied. "Is there anything you want to do while you're here?"
Dream scoffed.
"What, you think I should spend time with you? You haven't earned it, Tommy. I'm going to leave. You're going to actually gather resources this time. Don't make me regret being nice," He spat. Tommy dipped his head and dug his fingers into the ground.
"Okay. Where are you going?" He asked.
"To make sure Eret and Sapnap haven't killed each other." And with that, Dream stood up and stalked back towards the nether portal.
Tommy had meant to help, but he'd only made things worse. As usual.
The sound of the nether portal alerted Tommy that Dream had left. Tommy…
He didn't want to get up. He was cold and tired and hungry, and moving sounded like an unfair amount of effort. But Dream expected Tommy to have supplies for him to blow up the next day, so Tommy stood on his shaking legs.
Tommy headed for the nearest tree. He didn't want to cut it down, he wanted to save it and sit in the shade, but he needed the wood.
By the time he was done, Tommy was beyond exhausted. He just wanted to sleep, or better yet, get something to eat, but neither of those were options, really. Tommy had more work to do.
He got to making a crafting table and a set of basic tools. They would hopefully satiate Dream.
But just for good measure, he forced himself down into one of the old strip mines he'd cleared out. Tommy knew better than to expect to find iron, but he could build a furnace and maybe not be as chilly that night.
Besides, Tommy didn't want to be lazy. That was what got him into trouble in the first place.
As he forced his way into a new strip of the mine, Tommy got lucky and found some coal. Dream would be happy about that, surely.
On the spot, Tommy took the liberty of making a few torches and leaving them in the mine. Being able to see down there was pleasant, even if Tommy probably didn't deserve it. Granted, he didn't deserve a lot of things, so what was one more thing on top of the pile?
Once he left, Tommy constructed the furnace, placing it next to his crafting table. He wandered down to the shoreline, hoping he could catch a few fish.
He slipped knee-deep into the chilly water, watching the scaled creatures (the last things willing to tolerate Tommy's presence for more than a few minutes every day or three, it seemed) swim around.
The bastards were slippery and hard to catch. Tommy slid his hands into the water, about a foot apart, and waited for something to get cocky enough to swim through them, when he would strike.
The first three fish that passed through got away, but one fat, slow salmon didn't squirm hard enough and Tommy got away with it.
He felt kind of guilty for slaughtering a creature that was just living its life but what was he supposed to do? Starve?
Tommy put the salmon in the furnace so it could cook and finally, finally allowed himself the liberty of rest.
He stretched out across the furnace and crafting table, the furnace warming his bare feet.
He just so happened to forget how hot furnaces could get.
-
Tommy jolted awake when a chilly hand touched his shoulder. He spun around to see- Ghostbur? Tommy hopped onto his feet. A brief glance down informed Tommy that he had burned his legs. That was fun.
"Ghostbur, what are you doing here?" Tommy asked, utterly perplexed. Ghostbur giggled.
"I thought I'd come to check on you!! I couldn't remember where you were, so I had to ask Niki, and she wasn't quite sure, so I had to ask Quackity who gave me some general directions and eventually I found you!! You should know better than to sleep on a furnace, silly. I would've put you to bed but you don't seem to have one around here," Ghostbur noted.
Fuck, it'd been almost two months since the last time Tommy had seen Wilbur's spirit.
"Thanks for dropping by," Tommy whispered. Ghostbur laughed.
"It's nothing!! I've been meaning to come by but I kept not doing it and I can't remember why. So I got Ranboo to give me this," Ghostbur explained, showing off a leather journal, "so I don't forget again. I'm writing down the coordinates, too, so it's easier to find you next time."
Ghostbur scribbled the numbers down.
"Oh, uh, thanks!! How are you?" Tommy asked. Ghostbur smiled.
"Same as usual!! It's hard to have a bad day when you can't feel sad," Ghostbur chirped. Tommy nodded.
"Good to hear, big man. You hungry? I was just doing some cooking." He signaled to the furnace. Ghostbur paused.
"I'm a ghost. I don't need food," he assured Tommy.
"I mean, yeah, but if you want it, you can totally have it. I can always get another one. You, uh, might have a harder time with it," Tommy insisted. Ghostbur giggled.
"Is the fish poison? If you want to see how poison affects ghosts, you could just ask," he teased.
"No no no!! That would be. Um. Sorry. Really manipulative. The fish is normal," Tommy frantically explained. He really, really didn't want to drive Ghostbur away.
Ghostbur froze for a second and scribbled something down in his book.
"Don't worry about it, Tommy. You should eat, you don't look like you've been eating enough," He commented. Tommy cringed.
"Sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Ghostbur asked, blinking. Ah. He must've forgotten the earlier part of the interaction. Already. Fuck, Tommy was bad at this.
He honestly wouldn't be surprised if Ghostbur never stopped by again. Tommy was making this horrible for him. Fuck, he was such a bad friend. Dream was right, he was nowhere near ready to go back to L'Manburg.
Tommy might listen to the rules, but he kept fucking up the spirit of them and that was why everyone hated him. Except Ghostbur, apparently, except Ghostbur probably did and just forgot about it because hatred is far from a happy thing.
It wove its way into one's mind, choking out pleasant memories to make way for spite and pain.
Tommy would know, he'd hated a lot of people, especially early in exile.
"Hey, Tommy, why'd you freeze?" Ghostbur asked, blinking. "Wait, what were we talking about?"
Case and point. Tommy was such a fuck-up.
"We were just talking about what you'd been up to in L'Manburg!!" Tommy cheerfully lied. The ghost lit up.
"Oh!! So I've been spending more time with Tubbo's cabinet lately. We've been trying to get Quackity to calm down a bit, he's been really aggressive. He wants to kill Techno and Dream, you know?" Ghostbur shook his head.
"That wouldn't be great. I mean, Techno had his reasons for doing what he did and Dream's my friend," Tommy mumbled. Shit. He interrupted Ghostbur. He really did need to get better about that.
"I thought you hated Dream?" Ghostbur checked. Tommy forced a smile.
"Well, he's been really great since exile started. Helping me and stuff," He replied. Ghostbur narrowed his eyes and tensed his hands. Right. Ghostbur probably didn't like Dream. "Sorry."
Ghostbur aggressively scribbled something down.
"What were you saying before I interrupted you?" Tommy asked.
"What? You didn't- nevermind. Quackity's fiances dragged him down to Puffy's therapy office, and she's making him work through his anger issues. Which is good. Means we're less likely to end up with a blown up L'Manburg." Ghostbur gave Tommy an odd look.
Tommy just nodded for Ghostbur to continue. He didn't want to be rude.
"Uh, Tubbo's doing better. He finally managed to get a decent balance on work and life and people don't hate him, so that's a win."
"Good," Tommy rasped. He felt hurt, despite himself. It was really just more proof of everything Dream said. Tommy was really just holding his best friend back, and it was no wonder that Tubbo was doing better without him there.
"He misses you, you know," Ghostbur commented. Tommy blinked. He was joking. He had to be joking. There was no way anyone would miss Tommy of all people, especially when people like Ranboo and Niki were around. They could do everything Tommy could, better, without hurting anybody.
Tommy crossed his arms, and immediately uncrossed them. Dream had warned him about his body language, how he came off as cold and uncaring because of it.
Tommy was never going to get back what he thought he had because he didn't deserve it. Plain and simple.
The longer he chatted with Ghostbur, the more he saw how right Dream was. About everything.
"Hey, Tommy, what's bugging you?" Ghostbur asked. Tommy stared at the spectral figure.
"Nothing. Why would I be upset?" He responded, forcing a smile. Ghostbur frowned.
"You hurt yourself. You haven't treated it yet, which you really should do," he replied, signaling to Tommy's burnt legs.
"I'll be fine. Don't worry about it," Tommy insisted.
"I'm not stupid, Tommy!! I can see something's wrong!!" Ghostbur snapped. Tommy violently flinched back, falling to the ground.
Oh prime, Ghostbur? Dream? The figure standing over him was pissed.
"Sorry," he whispered. He couldn't meet Dream's eyes, he'd fucked everything up. Again. Tommy felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes but he could not let them fall, not yet.
"Hey- hey-" Dream started. He took a step back. "Oh, this isn't good…"
Tommy was making it worse. Dream was upset, he was going to hurt Tommy again. Tommy didn't know what to do. He began to hyperventilate. A pen scribbled on paper and Tommy flinched again.
"I'm sorry, Dream…" he whispered. Dream froze.
"What did you just call me?!" He asked, voice breathy and unsure.
"I- I didn't- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude-" Tommy stuttered between gasps for air.
"Hey, Tommy, it's okay. You're- I'm not going to- I'm not-" Dream sputtered, stepping closer to Tommy. Tommy instinctually scooted backwards, bumping into the furnace. He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Fuck," Dream breathed. "I- I'll be back, Tommy. You're going to be okay."
Like hell he would. Tommy just made everything worse.
Dream stepped back. He took a second step, then a third, and then he dashed back to the nether portal. Tommy choked back a sob.
He'd driven off his last remaining friend. Tommy was alone.
He missed Tubbo. He missed the dark nights during the war where they'd sneak off and chat on the roof of whatever building.
But Tubbo was better off without Tommy. The past months had made that evident.
Tommy finally let himself break. He burst into tears and began to sob.
Prime, he was pathetic. He couldn't even hold himself together for five minutes without breaking down.
He was breaking at the seams, falling down and it felt like he was dragging everyone else with him. It was disgusting, it was childish, it was manipulative and it made him a bad person.
When Dream had first brought Tommy to exile, he'd assured him that it was for his own good.
He was right.