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The cold wind nipped at Kaeya’s already red nose as he drove down the slick roads with open windows, random pop music blaring on the stereo. Winter was his favorite season and he wanted nothing more than to slip into his favorite sweater, lounge in his bedroom and drink his hot chocolate spiked with a dash of rum as the television played Home Alone. But here he was in his car at 9:27 in the night, driving to his hometown for Christmas.
Kaeya was a city boy through and through. If you had to make him choose between the peaceful countryside and the hectic city, he would definitely choose the latter. It didn’t matter if most of his friends were in the countryside or if he was stressed out of his wits by the course he chose to study in the city. He lived in the countryside for a better part of his younger years and as soon as he graduated highschool, he realized he couldn’t stay there anymore.
So he left. He packed up his entire life into four boxes, shoved it all into his car and hightailed it out of there like someone was driving after him. (Someone was. They had to pull over in the middle of nowhere and had a screaming fest next to a pile of cow shit and a bunch of other farm animals going about their lives.)
If he was being honest, there were only a few things that tied him to the quaint town he used to live in, but there was one specific thing (person) that made him look forward to going home for the holidays.
Fiery orange hair the same color as the leaves that fall off the trees during autumn, freckles splayed over creamy skin and blue eyes that glowed with mischief. He remembers warm hands cupping his cold cheeks and soft lips landing on his forehead in a form of reassurance. Midnight drives and picnics in the middle of the forest, a familiar blue truck parked on a cliffside where they would sit on the hood and stargaze. If comfort was a person, it would be him– his Ajax.
Against all his common sense, Kaeya stepped on the gas.
It was one of those small, stupid decisions that he was sure Ajax would egg him on to do. The icy roads were slippery and he knows this was an accident waiting to happen but who cares? He was alone and hoping this shot of adrenaline would overpower the crawling feeling of anxiety that crept up his spine the closer he got to Dawn Winery.
He glanced at the glowing numbers on his dashboard’s clock, 23:32 flashing in the darkness of his car. He took a deep breath and parked beside the highschool he used to attend to grab a bite to eat in the diner next to it.
He entered the Good Hunter establishment and was greeted by the familiar smell of savory sweet madame, the diner’s specialty. “Smells great as ever, Sara.” He said as he walked to the counter.
The brunette turned and grinned. “Oh my. It’s good to see you, Kaeya. You’re here earlier than usual. Something special happening?”
Kaeya shrugged. “I just felt like coming home earlier. The city was getting too busy for me.” Lie. He was here because Jean told him to come home earlier for Klee’s recital and because he missed a certain ginger. He also missed Klee, Razor and all the other kids that loitered in the family mansion.
“So, one order of sweet madame to-go or are you eating here?” Sara asked.
“Here. I’ll take the usual booth.” He said.
“Got it! It really is good to see you Kaeya. You should come home more often. Archon knows a lot of people would be happy if you choose to come home for good.” Sara said wistfully before entering the kitchen.
Kaeya felt his heart clench upon hearing that because he knows . He sat in his usual booth and let his eyes drift to the scenery outside as he let himself get lost in his thoughts. He knows that a lot of people would prefer if he comes home, if he settles in Mondstadt again. There were incentives for him to do so like his numerous nephews and nieces or his friends that lived here.
But how could he come back and live in a place he’s clearly outgrown?
It was disconcerting, to say the least. Every moment he spent in his hometown was a reminder of who he was and who he wanted to get rid of in himself. Coming back here felt like a stab in the back and a massive backtrack in his life.
It felt wrong to think of this place as nothing more than a stepping stone but that’s what it was to him, a place to look back on now that he’s living his life.
He sighed for the nth time that night, the conflicting feelings heavy in his mind. Sara served his food a few minutes later with a cup of hot chocolate the way he likes it. He gave her a smile at that. Maybe this was one of the things he missed about this place: the familiarity of it all.
They say, “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.” Maybe that’s another thing that tied him here. There was just something both daunting and heartwarming when you know people know you. In Mondstadt, everyone knew each other. Not just on the surface, “I bump into him on campus” kind of way. More of a “Of course I know him! We see each other in town, our families are acquainted and we occasionally drink together! We also have holiday festivals and eat together.” way.
He quickly finished his meal and paid before leaving the establishment with a promise to come by again. As soon as he stepped out, he was greeted with a familiar face– one he’s been longing to see since the last time they parted.
“Hey, it’s been a while.” The man said with a cheeky grin.
Kaeya laughed and dragged him into his arms. “Shut up and kiss me.”
“Your wish is my command.”
Soft lips landed on Kaeya’s, his senses overwhelmed by the taste of peppermint and the heady scent of cinnamon. The pair broke apart but Kaeya couldn’t bear to let go of the warm body that was pressed against his, couldn’t let go in fear of this being another figment of his imagination.
“I’ve missed you for the longest time.” He whispered, face buried in the crook of Ajax’s neck.
“And I, you.” The redhead replied. “You’re quite early this year. Is there a reason for that?”
“I already said, I missed you.”
“Aw, I made you come back to this hellhole?”
“If this is a hellhole then why do you stay?”
“The same reason you continue to stay away.”
“Do enlighten me.”
“You’re scared of people knowing you, Kae. You fear the intimacy of companionship and camaraderie, so much so that you choose to stay away from everything and everyone you’ve known your entire life. You’re scared of stagnation, that you’ll only be one thing your entire life. You’re scared to admit that you’re actually satisfied with what you already have because you think there’s more to life than this. You want to be better when you’re already the best.”
Kaeya pulled away but he kept Ajax at arm’s length. “Isn’t that enough reason for me to leave? You were all I’ve known my entire life. Shouldn’t the need to find out what’s out there be enough reason for me to stay away? I can be more than what I already am. Is that such a bad thing?”
“You tell me.” Ajax said softly, fingers lightly pushing Kaeya’s hair out of his eyes. I can’t dictate what’s right and what’s wrong for you. It’s your life, Kae. You’ll always have me whether you choose to stay or go, you do know that right? But if you ask me, being one thing your entire life is better than spending it questioning yourself every time. Is it so bad to just be Kaeya Alberich? Why are you so scared to just be you, Kae?”
“Mm.” Kaeya hummed in response. He let himself get pulled in another bone crushing hug, wrapping his own arms around his lover tightly.
“Let’s get into your car, it’s quite chilly here. You might get sick, love.” Ajax muttered, hand placed on the small of his back to guide him into the warm interior of the vehicle.
“... I do fear the intimacy of companionship, you’re not wrong.” Kaeya admitted after a few seconds of silence. “I felt like I was just draining everyone around me like a leech. It felt so unfair to everyone around me, especially to you. And yes, I am scared of admitting that this is all I’m going to be. I’m scared that what I am isn’t enough. What if my best isn’t enough, Ajax?”
“Kae, you’re not a leech. You just had your own problems and worries to work out and that’s completely fine.” Ajax reassured the other, hand softly caressing his head. “And please believe me when I say that your best is more than enough to all of us that love you, to all of us that matter.”
“You’re too good for me, Ajax.” Kaeya whispered. “I left without a word, without giving you an answer and yet here you are.”
“I’m here because I love you. I love you because you’re you. That’s it.”
“Is it that simple?”
“Yeah. It can be.”
“You can still love someone even after they’ve done all these horrible things?”
“I can’t speak for anyone else but I understand why you did what you did and I still love you despite it all. Is it that unbelievable that someone could love you unconditionally? That I could love you unconditionally?”
“No.” Kaeya replied honestly. Ajax was the one constant in his life. The one person he trusted would be here despite all his shortcomings and mistakes.
“Then that’s the answer. I love you. I’ll never get tired of saying it.” Ajax smiled. “I’ll never get tired of waiting for you either.”
Kaeya let his words process in his mind, burrowing himself deeper into Ajax’s embrace. “I don’t think you have to wait long anymore.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I think I understand now.”
“Hm.” Ajax hummed.
“I love you, Ajax. I love you so much and I’m sorry it took this long for you to hear it from me.” Kaeya said in the warmth of the other man’s embrace.
Ajax laughed, bright and cheerful. “I would’ve waited all that time and more just for you. I love you too, Kaeya. I’m so happy you’re home.”
“Yeah, I’m home.” Kaeya repeated. He pressed his ear to Ajax's chest, the steady beat of his heart grounding him in that moment.
Home is where the heart is and his heart is with Ajax, admitting this is something he will never fear.