Chapter Text
Reporting: Agent Crowfather
Been an agent for a good while and I still have no idea how to write these dumb reports. I guess I should start with how I got back to Hogwarts as a professor. Goddess of Death's connections to XD came in handy. XD turns out to be an old friend who trusts her judgment.
XD seemed to remember my love for muggle studies. XD was straightforward and said, "whatever happens I don't want the students hurt. I care not for war nor life and death because I am one that likes chaos. But I respect the Goddess of Death too much to get on her bad side." I will admit I was shocked to see XD care at all. I still remember the rumors of him using hexes back in the early days of his Auror career. But he changed careers to be the headmaster after the last one passed away.
In the order, there is a secret member that never reveals himself or themselves (whatever pronouns are used here). As he mentioned this, I wondered if he was the secret member. But that aside I got set up in my classroom and the room I'm staying in quickly. My mission was to make note of anything strange or interesting back to the Goddess of Death. If anything bad happens I was to take action and put a stop to it. Basically a guard and a century. I wasn't planning on forming a team but life somehow surprises you anyway.
I'll start at the beginning, at the grand feast. The same one that gets filled with so much food it's a wonder that it all gets revealed by magic. Setting up would be a lot of work. Five tables all long and could fill a lot of people. Four tables are for the students of course. One for every house and the fifth one is for the staff and headmaster. Meaning I sit there with everyone else. The staff look over all the other houses. I remember being shocked at how big the room was when I was a student. As a professor, it feels strange to sit at the teacher's table. I sat closest to Puffy. She's another new teacher but in this case, it was for Defense Against The Dark Arts. So we both were new at Hogwarts. Funny how that worked out huh? Schlatt was talking with someone else I don't remember who. Because the table is so big that it is impossible to keep track of who sits where. But I remember having him as my teacher when I was a student. It felt odd to see him as my coworker now. XD was waiting for the first years to arrive and get sorted to make his announcements. He looked at me and said, "Things have changed since you were here. But I must ask if you wish to go first or second?" Of course, being the gentleman I am, I let Puffy go first. Puffy was just as nervous as I was. Puffy was okay with this and also began talking. "It's been a long time since I was here. I hope I do well." I gave her some encouragement, "You will Puffy. You were great at Defense Against The Dark Arts as a student. If anyone can teach these kids to fight it's you." I remember seeing a great smile on Puffy's face. she seemed to be more relaxed after my kind words. Before Puffy could say anymore I saw the doors open and it looked like the older students had arrived first just like always. They all filled their spots but my eyes were on two maybe three students. One was a tall guy with pink hair and the other was a guy in a mask. The mask had a smiley face on it and nothing else. I looked over to XD realizing that he wears a mask too. But I never paid attention enough to notice that until now. The pink hair student had a cape on top of his robes. I knew from the look alone he was a transfer student at least. Not only that but he had a gold band on his ear. Another student I noticed wore a sweater with his robes. It was yellow and he also had a golden band on his ear and wore glasses. I also believed he transferred to this school as well. XD noticed where I was looking and I swear I could feel his smile. "We have four transfer students this year. Can I ask that you make sure they have a smooth transition to this school?" I nodded my head knowing that it must be awkward being in a new place as big as Hogwarts. As I looked back I noticed both the students I was watching were staring me in the eyes. The pink-haired one seemed cautious or awkward while the student with the yellow sweater and glasses gave this look. The kind of look one would have if they were curious.
I was told by these students themselves as I'm writing this report that they were wondering why I was staring. I'm dead serious about that. When they told me I busted up laughing.
Afterward, the first years finally started arriving. I looked at them and it made me flash back to my first time. One of them looked like me but different. There was something about that kid that I couldn't explain. He was loud and impulsive. He also swore a lot. He seemed to get along with the other first-year students. The student next to this kid was small and just seemed like a close friend. What really caught everyone's eye was the tallest student I'd ever seen. But while everyone was curious about him something about him seemed off. Giving off the vibe that he was awkward by nature.
I remembered Professor Sam from my days as a student. He always read out the names and tried to guide the first years. I think it's just because he knows how to handle someone younger than him. But he's totally different around adults. Don't ask because that's just more paperwork that I already don't want to do.
Evidence: Part of Tommy's Journal Entry #1
Ugh, I don't even know why I have to write this goddamn thing, but here you go professor old man. I'll start at the greatest moment of my life. Being sorted into Gryffindor. You might think that I was sad that my best friends, Tubbo and Ranboo, are in different houses. Well, you are wrong professor old man, I was actually happy to see them get sorted in different houses. I don't remember who announced our names but he was cool. I will admit I was nervous to go into a house without my friends. The hat that was placed on my head was odd looking and ugly. But it was talking to me saying shit that I already knew. Then it shouted Gryffindor. Erin is one of my other my best mates. We've lived close to each other since we were fucking kids. He was sorted in the same house as me. I see Erin as a brother so you better believe I was excited to see one of my best friends get sorted in the same house as me.
The lot of us made a promise to meet up every chance we can to talk about stuff. Being sorted into Gryffindor was the best day ever. I'm big man Tommy after all. I should go to the strongest house.
(Evidence ends here)
Tommy transitioned nicely to Gryffindor. My first impression of him was just as he wants people to see. But I've learned from my own experiences that some things are not what they seemed. As for the other first years, some seemed shy while others were more open to conversation. As the sorting ended XD decided to make announcements before eating. I transcribed his words when he made them.
[Transcription of XD Announcements]
"I welcome you all to this wonderful school. Those of you that have been here had heard me say the same kind of speeches. But I do this for the first years who need to know this. At least you know this speech only happens at the beginning of the year. So you can bare with me. Now on to the announcements. To all my first-year students, This school has many mysteries and secrets but there are rules here as well. You will do well to follow them. When here you will earn points on your individual score but those scores will go to the house at the end of the year. This has changed because I think the old point system needed a more realistic system. Besides magic might be old but that doesn't mean we have to live in the stone age. (Everyone laughed at this.)So in short, don't do something stupid, don't get into so much trouble to get me involved and you will have a great time. Your teachers along with the head of your house will give you more details. What I'm saying is a bit more straightforward. And after a long day of traveling the last thing you all need is to remember every detail. So you're welcome. (A few laughed at this.)
Speaking of teachers I'll introduce you to all the teachers before introducing two new ones along with an additional change.
The first is Professor Shubble, who teaches Arithmancy. A slight form of divination only in numbers. If you are a numbers person you will love her class. Speaking of Divination, Professor Mythical Sausage is your teacher for the art of divination. The art of seeing the future and understanding omens. But to understand one part of that class you will need to know the stars. Professor Lizzie will be your Astronomy teacher and working with Sausage when it comes to the stars. So don't be shocked if you see these two together. Though don't let your head get any ideas. (Looks towards the Slytherin table and then across the room. A story but I have no clue what.)Lizzie's already married to someone else. Who happens to be one of your flying teachers. You will call him Professor Joel. Professor Jimmy also teaches the course with him because sometimes two heads are better than one. And they also teach how Quidditch works. So two teachers. Two teams. It works. Moving on to Professor Boomer who teaches Care of Magical Creatures here. You will encounter creatures from time to time. No matter the location. You will need to know how to approach them without getting into mayhem. Trust me you would want to pay attention to that class. It might come in handy in a dangerous situation. Professor Gem teaches Charms and no it's not a class about getting a date or something like that. No, this class will teach you different handy spells to use in life that might be useful. A bit of advice never teases her hat. Trust me on that. Hbomb teaches herbology the study of magical and non-magical plants. That is also a class you may want to pay attention to if you want to make sure that you know which plant is which when walking in the woods. Because those plants will be useful when you work on potions with Professor Schlatt. Schlatt works closely with Hbomb due to how both subjects are connected. Then there's Professor Pix who is great at teaching the History of Magic. Something you want to see to believe. He works closely with Professor Scott who teaches Ancient Runes. Both have connections to the past so don't be shocked to have lessons with them together. Before I introduce the new professors, The man that read out all the names and guided your first years here is Professor Sam. He teaches Transfiguration which takes a lot of patience to understand and learn but trust me he's the best at his craft.
Before introducing the new teachers and who the head of which house is I will tell you that all houses will be together in different subjects. Organized by students' year and times each teacher wants to teach them by that day. This is to get used to each other and to make things more diverse. Plus it's less work for me and the teachers. This way teachers teach to the person, not to the house. Some of you will love this change and those of you may not love this change. But I've taken note of the teacher's ups and downs. This I think helps with some of those struggles.
Now, I will introduce the new professors myself, Frist being Professor Puffy who is your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. You will learn how to fight with magic. We all wish you luck Professor Puffy. Last but certainly not least, Professor Philza will be teaching Muggle Studies. But this class will be more multicultural which means you will learn more about the magical world as well. To help those that were raised in the muggle world with little idea of the magic world. Phil here is an expert at things related to magic and muggle alike. We all wish you the best of luck as will Phil.
Now your Heads of Houses. Gem is still the Head of Ravenclaw, Shubble the head of Hufflepuff, and Schlatt the head of Slytherin as always, but Puffy is your new head of Gryffindor house. Puffy do you want to say a few words? (Puffy shook her head no.) Phil, would you like to say a few words? (I shake my head no. Mainly because I was hungry. And mans gotta eat.) Okay then with all of that out of the way. Learn hard and be open to anything. Let the feast begin.
[End of Transcription]
Honestly, I didn't think XD would even go that far for the first years. I forget that he cares to some extent but never knew why.
The feast went on as always but I still remembered the new transfer students XD mentioned to me. After the feast, I was preparing for my lessons tomorrow. A student came by my office which seemed by mistake. Turned out to be the one wearing the yellow sweater under his robes earlier. Seems like he took off his robes. I remembered during the feast XD told me that the robes were only to be worn on special days. Either than that, it didn't matter what they wore on campus. But this dude was tall as a tree. Might even have an easier time climbing the Whomping Willow. He looked lost coming in. I'll include his perspective of the encounter for you to understand.
Evidence: Part of Wilbur's Journal Entry #1
Now that I've told you about the feast let me explain how the hell I got lost. As you can see Professor, the prefect only told me where to go to the common rooms but not the password to get in nor show me the way there personally. Luckily I had a great sense of direction but I couldn't find anyone from my house to tell me the password. While walking around to find a teacher I stumbled upon a bunch of random third-year students I didn't know. But I did know that they were wearing my house colors. I don't care if my house has a bad reputation. I will not tolerate bullies. They were messing with a first-year in Gryffindor's house. He seemed to put up a fight if only to defend himself. I stepped in to defend the first year. Found out fairly quickly that his name was Tommy and that he had this situation perfectly handled. Despite this, I still had to deal with members of my house bullying. They "kindly," told me that this was none of my business. But I made a point, that bullying another student when they should be returning to the common rooms was going against school rules. I always had a way with words. But before the bastards left they wanted to beat up Tommy. I defended the blocks but I didn't fight back. I was smart, not stupid enough to get detention. But as we both suffered their blows another chap came. He was tall and had pink hair with the same golden earring band as me. His aura was scary but not towards me but at the bastards trying to hurt me and Tommy. Turned out this student had a reputation for being a strong wizard. One look was all it took to get them to stop. The chap said, "Yo if you want to pick a fight save it for another time like flying class or something." They stopped but one put on a nasty hex that made Tommy sick by puking up either mud or slugs. The bastards had the decency to at least tell me the password in case I was up for a rematch.
While on the bright side I had a way in but the other is that now Tommy was hexed. The chap introduced himself as Technoblade and that he was in Ravenclaw. He was lost on the way to the common rooms because he just transferred here like me. So the three of us had to look around for the nearest adult. So Technoblade chose to stay with Tommy and see if he remembered any spells to reverse this. While I went to get some help. The ghosts in the castle were kind enough to lead me to you, Professor Phil.
Now we've caught up to our first meeting. I was concerned about Tommy but I thought it to best be calm at that moment. I remember my words well. "Sorry to bug you at this ungodly hour. But would you mind if you help me and my friends out? You see one of them got hexed and you are the closest professor to help right now."
(Evidence paused)
I remember helping the boys out. I held out my wand and used a charm to have my desk organized. I swear without this spell my room and desk would be a total mess. Whoever invented this is a godsend to wizards and muggles alike. When I got there I used a canceling charm I picked up on my travels. But Tommy was too out of it to get back. So I had the three of them come back to my office. When we got back I send a paper plane to Ponk to get to my office as fast as he could. Then I found some herbs and made tea that would at least help Tommy's stomach. Tommy wanted to complain but wasn't in the best condition to complain at the moment. He drank the tea which helped him a bit. Tommy then drifted off to sleep. Wilbur introduced himself, Technoblade, and then Tommy. They both insisted to stay with me until Tommy woke up.
So naturally, I had to pass the time somehow. I decided to ask what happened. This is what Wilbur wrote in his journal entry about this moment.
(Evidence resumed)
You remember your part in bringing me in and all that. But what I remember was the waiting period. Man, it was unsettling at first. But the moment you asked what happened. I told you in detail. You took a long moment to think. Then said, "Thank you for telling me, Wilbur. I'll let Puffy know along with Schlatt. They would want to know about this." I remember being so frustrated that I just blurted out what came to mind. "Why would they treat a first-year student like that for no reason?" Then you gave wise counsel to me about that. (Don't know why I said council like something from the early 1600s era.) "Some don't need a reason but everyone does have a reason. Either Tommy did something to piss them off by saying something or they did something that made him pissed off. Gryffindor students usually have a habit of being reckless. Plus Gryffindor and Slytherin are rival houses." Both me and Techno had the same reaction. Then it spiraled into a conversation about the houses and how to best survive. Which by the way was the best advice you ever gave. Boy was it helpful on my first week.
(Evidence ended)
(Transcription of the Entire Conversation)
Wilbur and Technoblade: [looks at me with suprise] really?!
Me: yep. Been that way for years. I'm guessing you two just transferred here?
Wilbur and Technoblade: [nods their heads for yes.]
Wilbur: I'm an exchange student from the wizarding school in the States.
Me: interesting.
Wilbur: [gives a curious look in his eyes.] What is? That I come from the states?
Me: Actually the school you originally went to. I remember professor Pix mentioning that someone from the Slytherin family ran away from home. Moved to the states and created that school, remembers her time here at Hogwarts. He says she was one of the few good members of that family. He rambles a lot about history. You will either love him or be bored of him. I'm speaking from experience.
Technoblade: wait you were a student here?
Wilbur: Techno of course he was. Why else would he know anything about the topic?
Technoblade: I don't know maybe he picked up a book in his time. Must love reading for an old man.
Me: [busted up laughing without thinking. Managed to stop.] I just started my 30's.
Technoblade: As I said your old.
Me: [I spot the cape missing.] To change the topic didn't you come to the feast with a cape?
Technoblade:[didn't look surprised.] I used a spell to put it away. No big deal. Not like I'm worried people will touch it or anything.
Wilbur: wait how do you know that spell? Isn't that a bit advanced?
Technoblade: Will I'm not a first-year student. I'm actually a fourth-year.
Wilbur: how are you older than me?!
Technoblade: the million [looks like he's thinking] uh.. what's the currency here again?
Me: go with galleons. Our currency system is complex.
Technoblade: [nods in agreement.] As I was saying, that's the million-gallon question.
Wilbur: where did you transfer from?
Technoblade: the wizarding school in Russia. I can never pronounce their name.
Me: ah! That explains your cape. Should have guessed it was from them.
Technoblade: I know it sounds great but can we go back to the rival part? Why are Gryffindors and Slytherin rivals?
Wilbur: [heads perks up and back to me] Yea what is that about? I've never heard of it.
Me: [smiles] Pix will explain more no doubt. But the simple version goes back to the founders of both houses. Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin had different ideas on which of the students should go. Godric along with Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff wanted to allow all students to come here. Salazar did not agree. According to history, he had a biased view. Meaning he favored those of pureblood families instead of muggle-born families. I will talk more about this in class about how some muggles have had similar ideologies. But yea ever since then the legacy left by both founders has been the staple of both houses. Meaning it's now seen that those in Salazar's house are evil wizards. And Gryffindor is the complete opposite. But I don't believe that. I see people, not as members of a house. Because they choose evil or good.
Technoblade: You were a Teacher's pet here.
Wilbur: [ looks at Technoblade ] that's all you can say after that.
Technoblade: He rambles just as much as the history of magic teacher.
Wilbur: you don't even know him. Classes will start tomorrow. So how can you say that?
Technoblade: easily.
Wilbur: [looks annoyed] why did you transfer here?
Technoblade: Part of this program. Had an issue with some kid over potatoes.
Me and Wilbur : [gives the same shocked expression]
Me: I'm sorry [pauses for a bit to think] what?!
Technoblade: okay before you start it was in muggle studies. I think. This kid and I had an intellectual debate about how muggles can save food for the winter. I suggested planting tons of potatoes and then storing them somewhere. Have a big cellar full of potatoes. But he suggested something like getting meat which isn't good long term.
Wilbur: He sounds like an idiot. Sure the meat is filling but potatoes will have a longer shelf life.
Technoblade: That's what I'm saying. He's got ideas on meat while I had the superior brains to figure it out. This caused a big scene and now I'm here.
Me: wait you took muggle studies at your school? Mind if I ask why?
Technoblade: Muggles know how to get around faster and have more than we wizards do. What are we still arguing about over here? The weather? Meanwhile, muggles have higher technology. Their writing tools are far better than ink and quill. We would be saving more on feathers and ink this way.
Wilbur: you do bare a point there.
Me: Further to that point they use lots of electricity and science now. So yea you are not wrong. Before I forget and ramble again. Why did you help Technoblade?
Technoblade: I can't stand bullies. Plus all the younger years are scared of me. Comes in handy in fights.
Wilbur: Oh and thank you for that by the way.
Technoblade: not a problem. Why did you help him?
Wilbur: not sure. I just looked at him and just had to do something. It's stupid.
Me:[smiling remembering that feeling.] You probably understood how he feels. Who knows maybe you wanted to be his older brother or something.
Wilbur: I have no idea what you mean professor.
(Transcription ended)
The conversation felt like hours but I think it was only 15 minutes. Then Tommy woke up. He was less coherent at first but he woke up more after a few minutes.
(Second Transcription of the Entire Conversation)
Tommy: fucking hell happened.
Wilbur: you got hexed I believe. Made you throw up mugs and slugs.
Tommy: How the fuck did I get hexed by some pricks?
Me: [surprised he didn't call them by their house when he said that.]
Wilbur: They were quick on the wand. They are sneaky even for those of my house. Which I hate.
Tommy: [ looks at Wilbur noting the house colors or not seeing any on him. But he did remember the house colors the bullies wore.] Wait your a Slytherin? [Confused] But you're not a bad one right?
Wilbur: [smiling no doubt grateful for the comment.] No, I'm not bad. I just got here like you only I'm a third year technically.
Tommy: [gets up out of excitement. Had that wanderlust look in his eye.] Really? Where are you from? You have an American-sounding accent.
Wilbur: well that's because I am from the states. I came from Ilvermory which is the wizard school in the states.
Tommy: sounds cool. [Looks at Techno and me.] Wait I remember you two.
[Points to Techno] you scared them off then stayed with me.
Technoblade: [looking away clearly blushing.] It's no big deal. I didn't do much.
Tommy: are you kidding me that was awesome! [Realizes that he never got our names. In my case doesn't remember mine from the feast. Understandable.] Um, what are your names?
Wilbur: [chuckles] sorry I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Wilbur Soot.
Technoblade: Technoblade. Just Technoblade.
Me: I'm professor Phil. The new professor here.
Tommy: wait, new teacher? I thought you were regular here. You knew how to help me.
Phil: well I used to do some work as an Auror.
Tommy, Technoblade, and Wilbur: what?!
Ponk: [walks in] Hey Phil just got your message. Sorry, it took me so long. I couldn't find the remedies for the longest time. [Looks at Tommy and walks towards him. Starts checking for any signs of injury. Without looking.] Tell me more about what happened.
Wilbur: Tommy got hexed to throw up mud and slugs.
Ponk: roughly how long did he do this for?
Technoblade: off and on for about an hour I think before Wilbur found Phil.
Me: I used the reverse charm I learned in my travels. Had him moved to my office. We waited out for a good 5 minutes to have him calm down long enough to have some herbal tea. After that, he passed out for 15 minutes. Breathing evenly.
Ponk: [checks for another 3 minutes. Then takes out a potion.] Tommy, I want you to drink this. It'll help settle any leftover hexes in your system.
Tommy: [takes it without complaining. Gives the bottle back now empty.]
Ponk: [looks at Phil] good call with that charm. The potion should handle anything else that the charm can't. I think after throwing up Tommy may have been worn out. I should take him just in case. I'll inform Puffy. What caused Tommy to get hexed?
Wilbur: bullies from my house. I'll tell Schlatt.
Me: Allow me to write a note so you have proof. I remembered having him in Potions. The dude was a strict son of bitch of a professor. But if you have proof from a teacher then you won't get into trouble. [I start writing the note with a pen.]
Wilbur: thank you, professor.
Me: Of course. No big deal. [Continues writing.] After that, I think you both should head back.
Technoblade: I would need help getting through my house door.
Me: oh I can take you. I know which house you're from. Just by that comment alone.
Technoblade: thanks, Phil.
Me: not a problem. [Finishes note and give it to Wilbur .] Here you go, mate.
Wilbur: thank you so much this means a lot.
Ponk: [looks at Tommy] you ready? [Holds out his hand]
Tommy: [nods and grabs Ponk's hand then gets lifted.] Bye Prof. See you in class I guess.
Me: [nods and waves bye]
[Ponk and Tommy leave.]
Wilbur: I should go too. It's a long way back. I'll have the ghosts help me back.
Me: Some of the ghosts will trick you. But either then that wise choice.
Wilbur: I'll keep that in mind professor. Thank you so much for the note. [Leaves my office]
Me: [Looks at Technoblade] You ready Techno?
Technoblade: [looks at me for the longest time.]
Me: What is it?
Technoblade: You knew my house because you remembered where I was sitting didn't you?
Me: Honestly you might be right. But I just know how to get into the common rooms for Ravenclaw. Plus I have to talk to Gem anyway. I've been meaning to talk with her again.
Technoblade: [gives a look that says suspicious to me. As if he doesn't believe me] Okay Lead the way professor.
(Transcription ends)
Honestly, I will save what happens in my next report. But it does get interesting.
Crowfather out