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Arthur was miserable, there truly wasn’t another way to express what he was feeling other than that. He was miserable and torn and broken and it was his very own fault.
It was his very own fault that he was at Merlin’s bachelor party as his best friend, his best man instead of being the man who will marry Merlin in two days time.
Merlin, who was Arthur’s best friend ever since high school and - if you asked Arthur or everyone else, really, ‘cause Merlin was such an angel - the best person on the whole planet and probably in the whole wide universe as well.
Merlin was honest and loyal and optimistic and generous and Arthur could go off about his positive traits for days but the most important thing was that Merlin was just so damn kind and loving and caring and wore his heart on his sleeve.
And Arthur loved him for it, for everything he was, he did so since ever and yet he never acted up on it. He stayed by Merlin’s side, went with him through everything and then, then he fell in love with him. Years ago, four, five, probably more, Arthur woke up one morning and knew that he would love Merlin to the day he died.
And even if Arthur had always been brave and confident and whatever more, he never confessed that he needed Merlin to live more than he needed air to breathe. He’d rather have a part of him than lose him, so he stayed quiet and waited.
He waited and waited and watched Merlin being snatched away, right out of Arthur’s arms.
Or at least that’s what it felt like even if it never happened like that. Because Arthur never had him. He only had him as a best friend and it was Will who got Merlin as a partner, as a lover.
Will took a chance and asked Merlin out and even if he tried so hard, Arthur couldn’t hate him for it. How could he, if everything he did was just doing the one thing Arthur was too afraid of?
Arthur couldn’t hate Will but he hated the situation he put him in as he trapped Arthur in the kitchen at Merlin’s last birthday party to ask him for his blessing to ask Merlin to marry him.
Really, what was Arthur supposed to do? Say no?
He said yes and hugged Will close to his chest and Will shed a few tears before he told him everything about his plan which he set in motion later that night and then he proposed to Merlin just some days later. And Merlin, Merlin accepted the proposal in a heartbeat and let Will kiss him senseless as he slipped the ring on Merlin’s finger.
That’s why Arthur was here, at Merlin’s favorite pub with all of their friends, just hanging out together for Merlin’s bachelor party. Merlin has never been one for grand gestures or big parties but he has always been one for his friends, that’s why Arthur, the dedicated best man, decided to keep the bachelor party lowkey and just invite everyone out for drinks.
And Merlin enjoyed it, enjoyed himself, judging by his wide smile and shining eyes as he spoke with Gwaine all the way on the other side of the bar.
Arthur’s eyes haven’t left Merlin ever since he picked him up a few hours ago, since Merlin’s wide eyes met his‘ as he opened the door.
Merlin had seemed off, flustered maybe, Arthur couldn’t pinpoint why but it gave him an excuse to watch him even more than usual.
He was so invested in watching Merlin laugh at a probably unfunny joke Gwaine just dropped that he didn’t notice how Gwen slipped into the seat next to him until she spoke up.
“I always thought that it would’ve been you,” she said and Arthur snapped out of his daze and looked at her dumbfoundedly.
“What?” he asked as he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he just shamelessly, almost creepily, watched his best friend.
“The one Merlin marries.”
Arthur downed his beer on that.
“Well, I’m just the best friend,” he said as he set down his bottle again. “I’ve always been just the best friend, I’ll always be just the best friend.“
“You know that that’s not true,” Gwen whispered and her voice was soft, same as her words, and Arthur wanted to believe her. “He loves you too.”
Arthur couldn’t describe what these words did to him. They were soothing, in a way, and Arthur wanted to believe them, wanted to believe Gwen and that it was true. That Merlin loved him and that the love would mend the scars in his broken soul. But they were terrifying and so cruel, because it couldn’t be true.
It couldn’t be true that Merlin loved him if he’ll marry Will in two days. Arthur knew that he will, hell, he planned the whole reception.
“No,” Artur replied firmly. “Please, don’t try to fix something you can’t fix.“
“Arthur, I know-,” Gwen started but Arthur couldn’t let her finish.
“Perhaps he loved me,” he interrupted her while looking at her sternly. “Some time ago, maybe, but he doesn’t anymore. Not in the way I need him to, not in the way I love him.”
Gwen’s arm found its way around his shoulder and she carefully hugged him and he was really fucking thankful for her.
“It’s not too late,” Gwen whispered.
It was.
“It is,” Arthur whispered back. “I can’t take this from him. I can’t make him unhappy. I…I can’t destroy this.”
“But you’re destroying yourself in the process,” Gwen argued. “You’re destroying yourself while trying to protect Merlin. And you can’t even know if Merlin needs protection, if he wants protection. You’re destroying yourself by trying to keep something from him that would make the both of you happy.”
“You don’t know if it would make us happy,” Arthur exclaimed, voice way louder and harsher than he expected it to be but luckily, their surroundings were loud enough to swallow his words. “But I know that it would break us, it would break Merlin. And I can’t do this to him. And I can’t hurt Will like this, not when he’s perfect and sweet and caring and I gave him my blessing and…”
“It didn’t break us,” Gwen interrupted him. “It didn’t break you and me apart when I got together with Lance.”
Arthur really didn’t want to hurt Gwen but the “That’s different” left his lips faster than he could stop himself.
“Because you never loved me as much as you love Merlin,” Gwen guessed and Arthur remained silent.
He bit the inside of his cheek, tried to find the right words to say because truly, Gwen was amazing and he really didn’t have to hurt her four years after their break-up but he couldn’t find the right words to say so he simply nodded and felt like shit.
“Arthur,” Gwen said softly, her fingers gently smoothing the collar of Arthur’s shirt. “You could have him. You want him and there is a chance of getting him if you’d just do something.”
“I don’t care,” Arthur said, voice quiet since he was afraid of bursting if he spoke any louder. “I’d rather have a part of him than not having him at all.”
Gwen huffed and removed her arm from Arthur’s shoulder.
“If that’s your decision then fine,” she muttered. “But don’t think about what your life would look like if you would’ve been braver.”
***
The thing was: Arthur couldn’t stop thinking about what his life could look like if he would’ve been braver for the rest of the night.
He couldn’t stop thinking, imagining what it would be like to have Merlin in every way possible.
To wake up next to him, to kiss him goodbye when he had to go to work and Merlin still refused to get up. To tell him every little detail of what went wrong in the office when he got home and to cook Merlin dinner when he was running late. To hug him closely to his chest when he returned home after a way too long business trip and to kiss his forehead and tuck him in when Merlin fell asleep on the couch again.
To kiss him senseless and claim every part of Merlin’s body, with his hands, with his lips. To spend endless nights talking, opening up about his biggest fears, about what he needed most. To appreciate Merlin, to unconditionally, passionately, recklessly and fearlessly love him.
Arthur couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think of anything else as his mind was running wild and his heart was pumping waves of love through his body.
He rolled out of bed way later than usual after spending all night imagining a life he desperately wanted.
Arthur didn’t have to work for the day, since he took some time off to act like the dedicated best man once again and perhaps that was the reason why he dialed Merlin’s number at 11 in the morning.
He didn’t know what to say, was aware of the fact that if he spoke his mind, he would shatter their friendship. But Gwen had been right, if he wouldn’t speak up now, he would destroy himself.
He was also aware that Merlin was in an important meeting, perhaps that was what pushed him through the edge of finally calling him.
“It’s Merlin, call Arthur or leave a message,” Merlin’s voicemail greeted him and Arthur had heard this sentence a million times already but it did something to him as he heard it at this very moment.
“Hi Merls, it’s me,” Arthur said, swallowed dryly. “I-I shouldn’t be doing this, I really shouldn’t but I can’t help myself because I can’t help thinking about what could've been. Between us, I mean. I…I will ruin our whole friendship with this message so please, please just skip it but I have to get this off my chest because I feel like I’m drowning and suffocating at the same time.”
“Well, that’s probably because it’s the same thing, right? You’re suffocating if you’re drowning or am I wrong? I feel stupid for not knowing this but…but I am stupid, Merlin, I’ve always been but this is probably the stupidest thing I’ll ever do.”
Arthur closed his eyes, forcefully tried to stop the tears from spilling.
“I…I can’t help to think about what could’ve been happening with you and me if I haven’t been so stupid in the past. See, I-I always thought that I had you. And that was selfish and stupid and unfair because I thought that I had you but I never let you have me. I just thought that I could continue being with you in the way we were forever. I’m sorry.”
“You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be appreciated. And I never did that, not in the way you deserve. I couldn’t do it before. But I think that I could do it now. No, not could. Can, Merlin. I can love you now. I can love you, because I do. I do love you.”
Arthur stopped trying to keep the tears at bay. He was crying, sobbing, bawling and he couldn’t stop. But that was okay, because his heart had gotten lighter with every word he said.
“I love you, Merlin, I’m in love with you, and I’m sorry for only telling you now. I’m sorry for being selfish again and if you’re still listening now, I’m sorry for ruining everything. For ruining your wedding, for ruining our friendship. I’m sorry that I’ve just told you that you’re the most important thing and now I’m here and tell you all this just because I’ve spent the night thinking about how it could’ve been me.”
“That it could’ve been me who asked you out all those years ago, that it could’ve been me who asked for your hand, that it could’ve been me who gets to have you forever. I’m sorry, Merlin. I’m sorry that I ruined everything we could’ve been if I would’ve been brave.”
“What could’ve been if I stood up for what I feel, for what I believe. ‘Cause I believe that you’re the one thing for me and sometimes I feel selfish and believe that I’m the one thing for you too. I believe that we could be everything we need, hell, I know that you’re everything I need and that I could love you so damn good. If you’d let me.”
“I-I love you, Merlin, and I will love you until my heart stops beating. And I’m here, I will always be here in whatever way you need me to. I’m sorry.”
Arthur hung up before he could do something immeasurably stupid like proposing to Merlin via voicemail. He hung up and threw his phone across the room and even if his mind was screaming at him, his heart felt at peace for the first time in forever.
***
Arthur didn’t know what to expect from his voicemail but somehow it wasn’t that.
He expected anger and tears and a fight and being dishonored but it wasn’t what he got. He got…nothing?
Arthur didn’t hear anything from Merlin for the remaining day until he showed up at his doorstep in the evening.
Like he was supposed to, since Merlin and Will were that couple who planned to spend the night before the wedding apart and where could Merlin go if not to his best friend’s house.
Arthur didn’t expect them to still be doing this, at least not if they haven’t spoken about Arthur’s voicemail yet but here he was, opening the door to a wide-eyed Merlin.
“Uhm, hi?” Arthur said, a confused expression on his face.
“Hi, am I running early? We said seven, right?” Merlin asked and pushed past Arthur and into his house.
Dazed, Arthur nodded - even if Merlin couldn’t see it since he already kicked off his shoes and flopped down on the couch - and closed the door.
Perhaps Merlin didn’t listen to the voicemail yet. Perhaps everything would be normal, would be okay for a little while longer.
“Want a drink?” Arthur asked, unsure about what to do and what to say.
“Water’s fine.”
So Arthur got two glasses of water for them and dropped down on the couch as well but as far away from Merlin as possible (luckily, his couch was pretty big).
And then they sat there in silence. But not a comfortable silence but a very unbearable, distressful one.
“So,” Arthur started as he couldn’t bear it for any longer, eyes fixed on his own two feet. “How was work?”
“How was work?” Merlin repeated. “You left me a fucking long ass voicemail that you could love me so damn good and you left me this message a day before my wedding while I’m at work and now you ask me how work was?”
Merlin’s voice was filled with emotion and the words spilled unusually fast from his lips.
“How do you think that work was?” Merlin asked sarcastically.
So, Merlin definitely listened to the voicemail and nothing was okay. And Arthur didn’t know what to say so he said nothing.
He was silent, Merlin was silent and they stayed silent for a little while again.
“Arthur…,” Merlin said after what felt like an eternity, quiet but soft and Arthur couldn’t help himself and he looked up at him.
Merlin was pretty, as always, wrapped up in an oversized hoodie, hair ruffled. Arthur’s heart skipped a beat, he was so in love.
“Please tell me what’s on your mind,” he asked, voice barely a whisper but his eyes were so piercingly blue and pleading and Arthur couldn’t refuse him anything.
“I love you,” he said and Merlin’s brows furrowed but Arthur couldn’t guess if it was confusion, disbelief or disgust even. “I love you, Merlin, and I think I could love you better than Will does.”
Arthur licked his lips and swallowed dryly as he looked up to Merlin, searched his face for a reason to stop talking but he couldn’t find one so he didn't.
“I didn’t want to do anything about the way I feel for such a long time because I…I was afraid. Of losing you. And that’s why I decided to love you secretly ‘cause I couldn’t bear confessing my love and then watch you walk away. I can’t be without you but I’ve accepted that I can’t be with you either. That you’ve got Will and that he loves you.”
Arthur closed his eyes, stopped for a second and took another deep breath to destroy their friendship even further.
“But then I got in my head and I just couldn’t stop imagining what could’ve been happening with us if I would’ve been braver. What could’ve been if you’d let me love you the way I do. How it would be to wake up next to you and kiss you goodnight after a whole day of loving you.”
“I got in my head and in the course of a minute I’ve decided to be brave and I destroyed everything around me in the process. Our friendship, Will, myself and most importantly, you. I’m sorry, Merlin, I should’ve stayed silent.”
And with that, he did. Arthur closed his mouth and his eyes as well before pressing the heels of his palms into his eye sockets to prevent himself from crying.
“Arthur,” Merlin said softly and Arthur really wanted to look at him but he knew that if he did, he would start crying and might never stop.
So he stayed in the same position, hands pressed to his eyes and mind still running wild.
“Arthur,” Merlin whispered again, pleading even. “Hey, Arthur, look at me.”
Arthur shook his head and a second later, Merlin wrapped his fingers around Arthur’s wrists and pried them off his face.
He resisted for another moment and kept his eyes closed but then he gave in and looked at Merlin.
Somewhen during Arthur’s monologue, Merlin must’ve inched closer since he was now sitting directly beside him, silent tears on his cheeks and eyes wide, his fingers still wrapped around Arthur’s wrists.
Merlin took his hands back as if he’d been burned as he noticed that he hadn’t let go of Arthur’s wrists yet but Arthur was quicker and caught Merlin’s hand before he could take it back completely.
Merlin’s left hand, to be precise, where Will’s engagement ring used to sit comfortably on his fourth finger, heavy stress on used to. Now there was only an imprint where it used to be.
Arthur’s fingers traced the circular line around Merlin’s and he looked up at him with tears in his eyes.
“How could I wear his ring when it should’ve been yours?” Merlin answered Arthur’s silent questions and with that, Merlin finally pushed him through the edge.
Tears spilled from his eyes, a violent sob climbed up his throat while he crashed forwards and knocked his forehead against Merlin’s.
And Merlin was no better, he cried and sobbed and whimpered and it was perfect.
Arthur threw one arm around Merlin’s shoulders and drew him in, in, in, his other hand still clasped Merlin’s, fingers tracing the slight dent in his skin endlessly.
Merlin’s tears wet Arthur’s cheeks and Arthur’s wet Merlin’s and everything was fucking perfect except…
“Merlin,” Arthur whispered, breathlessly, and caught Merlin’s face between his palms, arching his head up so that he would look at him.
“Tell me,” he demanded and Merlin did.
“I love you, Arthur.”
The words rolled off his tongue as if he’d said them a million times already and Arthur fell in love all over again.
“I love you and I think that I’ve always loved you. I want to be with you in every way possible and I…”
He couldn’t finish since Arthur was just so damn close, Arthur couldn’t wait any longer so he leaned in and tasted the words right out of Merlin’s mouth.
And they tasted like pain, like passion, like love and Arthur was addicted from the very first second on.
Merlin’s lips were warm and wet, from the tears maybe, but they were firm and steady and strong against his own, tasting like everything Arthur always dreamed about and so much more.
They parted, only for Merlin to lean in again and kiss Arthur again, stealing kiss after kiss until their tears dried off and were replaced with laughter.
“Tell me,” Arthur demanded for a second time and Merlin did.
He told him how he dreamed about being with Arthur just two nights ago and it made Arthur’s heart skip a beat. He told him how he listened to the voicemail and how he got home immediately to break Will’s heart and it made Arthur pull him into his arms to hug him close to his chest.
He told him how Will was beyond devastated but not really surprised at the same time and it made Arthur kiss him senseless.
“I love you,” Arthur whispered and pressed a lingering kiss on the fading imprint on Merlin’s finger.
***
Arthur woke up from a dreamless slumber and felt incredibly warm and comfortable.
He was on his side, his front pressed up against Merlin’s side, hand sprawled out on his bare stomach. Arthur cuddled closer, nuzzled his face further into Merlin’s neck, flexed his finger so his fingertips dug into the soft skin.
“Good morning,” he murmured against Merlin's neck, pressing his lips against them briefly before he pulled back and opened his eyes.
Merlin was awake, for a while probably, and he was staring right up at the ceiling.
“Hey, love,” Arthur whispered and Merlin snapped out of his daze as Arthur pressed a kiss on his cheek.
Then he turned his head and smiled and Arthur smiled as well and leaned in to kiss Merlin, lips barely connected by the wideness of their smiles.
As they parted, Merlin’s smile was wiped out again and replaced by a pensive expression, so Arthur gently placed his hand against his cheek and caressed it.
“Don‘t think so hard” he whispered and Merlin looked uneasy, somehow ashamed. “What’s on your mind?”
Clearly, Arthur hadn’t expected him to start crying while violently rubbing his thumb over the blooming hickey on his collarbone.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Arthur asked while he pulled Merlin close, fingers combing through his hair.
“Nothing,” Merlin sobbed into Arthur’s chest and then he pulled back and sat up in one motion.
“Nothing’s wrong. This is exactly like my dream. And I…I just feel stupid, for stopping myself from having this. For hurting myself, you and Will in the process. I’m sorry.”
Arthur threw his arms around Merlin once again and pulled him flush to his chest as another wave of tears washed over him.
“Love, you’re not responsible for this situation, not alone. All three of us had a fair share of decisions and actions that led us here. But it did lead us here. And there’s nowhere I’d rather be than next to you. And if this is too much for you, for now, then I’ll take a step back and wait until you’re one hundred percent sure and ready.”
Merlin tilted his head to look up at Arthur, eyes wide and red rimmed and Arthur questioned himself how a single person could be this beautiful.
“I don’t want to live another day without kissing or loving you,” he whispered. “You’re the one thing I’m one hundred percent sure of. And I’m ready to be yours.”