Chapter Text
Jaehyun is not good at dealing with feelings.
He’s, like, really bad. When he first realized he wasn’t straight, it had been a quiet storm Category 5 hurricane of repressed emotions and revelations and confusion. He still isn’t sure if he’s figured himself quite out yet.
But when it comes to one Kim Jungwoo, everything is ten thousand times worse. Because to Jaehyun, Jungwoo is like toeing the line between something more and never enough. Jungwoo is like the delicate balance of a rock on the edge of a cliff. Jungwoo is a house of cards, majestic and extraordinary, but with one unruly gust of wind it could all come crashing down.
He’s not sure what his relationship with Jungwoo is, outside of the facade of simple friendship they put up for the fans. Roommates? Yes, in the past, but it’s too basic to describe what’s going on.
Friends-with-benefits? Maybe, if Jungwoo wasn’t so sincere about every touch, every glance, every word.
Lovers?
No. They are not lovers.
Today, on a warm summer day in Osaka, they felt almost like lovers.
It was a date, as their fans will surely deem it. Though management tries their best to pass everything off as just groupmates hitting it off well on camera, the fans say that Jaehyun and Jungwoo have this undeniable chemistry between them. And sure, Jaehyun wasn’t very subtle either, when he allowed himself to admire Jungwoo for a while as the camera was still filming him. He let Jungwoo poke his dimple where he knew he wouldn’t even think about letting another close. He watched from afar, basking in the brightness of Jungwoo’s light. But he thinks he flew too close to the sun.
Jaehyun thinks today, on a warm summer day in Osaka, he fell in love.
Jungwoo has always been unattainable. Jaehyun has known that from the start. He swore never to let anything develop between them except a mutual agreement to take care of each other.
But Jaehyun needs Jungwoo. He wants him. So badly he thinks he might not be able to survive not feeling his body next to his.
This cannot be love. Jaehyun cannot let this be love.
He can think of only one way to find out for certain. To quell the rebellion of his heart.
—————
Though the walk down the hotel corridor is short, it feels like Jaehyun is traversing across a country.
He stops in front of Jungwoo’s room, but hesitates, hand poised to knock.
There’s no going back tonight.
With a simple knock, knock, knock on the door, Jaehyun knows he will be crossing into a new territory that he is sure he will not be able to leave.
He takes a deep breath.
Jungwoo opens the door 5 seconds later, hair mussed up, blinking blearily. He looks soft like this. It does things to Jaehyun’s weak, weak heart.
“Hyung? Is everything okay?”
Jaehyun says nothing, stepping into the hotel room. Jungwoo moves aside to let him in, though he still looks confused.
“Jaehyun hyung?”
With a soft click, Jaehyun shuts the door. Then he turns to Jungwoo.
“Kim Jungwoo.”
Jungwoo’s eyebrows quirk adorably at the use of his full name. The effect on Jaehyun is immeasurable.
Jaehyun steps closer, and closer, and closer still until he has backed Jungwoo up against the door, faces just centimeters apart. He sees how Jungwoo’s eyes flicker down to his lips before he blinks.
Jaehyun closes his eyes and leans in, brushing their lips together just barely so. They stay like that for maybe centuries, just breathing together, bodies flush.
Then Jaehyun whispers a quiet, “Can I?”
At Jungwoo’s tiny, almost imperceptible nod, the careful balance breaks.
Jaehyun closes the distance between them to take Jungwoo’s lips, pressing close. He forgets how much he’s missed this, in the just the hours they’ve been apart. The feeling is so familiar. He craves it.
Their bodies melt into each other like it’s second nature. Jaehyun’s hands cup Jungwoo’s face, and Jungwoo’s arms wrap around Jaehyun’s back. It’s gentle and sweet.
Until it’s not. Jaehyun doesn’t know when the shift happens, but it’s probably when Jungwoo runs his tongue along Jaehyun’s lips, and suddenly Jaehyun is desperate for more. He wants to take, take everything Jungwoo will give him until there’s nothing about him that Jaehyun hasn’t explored.
So he deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue into Jungwoo’s mouth and swallowing the small groan the other lets out. He’s insistent, pushing as close as he can get. They’re practically one and the same, what with how their bodies are tangled together.
No time to breathe. There’s no time to breathe when all he can feel is Jungwoo.
At one point, past Jaehyun might have questioned the morality of making out with someone who is essentially his coworker. But Jungwoo is more than that. He’s Jungwoo, all the sweet and silly and funny and beautiful. They are more than coworkers. They have something that no one but them will ever be able to witness, a bond just for the two of them. The issue is that they have yet to put a label on that bond, and so until Jaehyun can figure that out, he’s content with drowning his feelings in the sensation of Jungwoo’s body.
Counter-intuitive, really, but when Jungwoo tilts his head at that perfect angle, all of Jaehyun’s thoughts evaporate in an instant.
Their mouths are moving at an intensity that conveys simple desire, though there is truly much more there. It’s possibly muscle memory, but Jaehyun decides that tonight, he wants to savor the moment as much as he can. He wants to revel in the miracle that is Kim Jungwoo, and take him apart bit by bit until he can cherish the unfiltered parts of the man that he thinks he loves.
He is unsure of whether or not his love is reciprocated, but he will take care of Jungwoo all the same. It’s what the man before him, the epitome of the word kindness, deserves.
So he slows down, pulling back to take shallow breaths. His eyes remain closed, but he can sense Jungwoo just centimeters away, feel his unsteady breaths as he tries to calm down.
“You’re so–”
Jaehyun doesn’t let him finish, stealing his lips again, offering the long, slow kisses that he knows Jungwoo loves. They move so Jungwoo’s embraced in his arms again, Jaehyun’s arms around Jungwoo’s tiny waist and Jungwoo’s arms thrown around Jaehyun’s neck. Jungwoo’s no longer pressed against the wall, walking Jaehyun backwards slowly as they share languid kisses.
They’re not in a hurry. Though Jaehyun somehow feels as if he’s constrained by not enough time.
When Jungwoo does that thing with his tongue, Jaehyun goes feral. He channels this energy into kissing Jungwoo more fervently, lips moving back and forth as he just takes and takes. And Jungwoo lets him take.
Suddenly, Jaehyun’s back hits the marble countertop of the hotel room’s kitchenette. He involuntarily breaks the kiss, much to both his and Jungwoo’s chagrin. Murmuring a hissed, “ow,” his forehead bumps back against Jungwoo’s.
But it makes Jungwoo giggle, the most beautiful sound Jaehyun’s ever heard, so he ignores the pain and kisses the smile off of Jungwoo’s face.
He spins them around so Jungwoo’s back is against the kitchenette counter. Jaehyun’s hands drift downwards, to the back of Jungwoo’s thighs, but he doesn’t do anything more for a long while. The kisses are lazy, unhurried now. Jungwoo loves it when it’s like this. He loves the slowness, the sweetness, the sense that they have all the time in the world. But it’s torturous for Jaehyun. Jaehyun wants to lean forward and take. He wants his feelings to show in his passion. He wants to consume, because his love for Jungwoo scares him, and he can only think to tamp it down by losing himself.
So he stops the sweet kisses and braces his arms under Jungwoo’s legs, pulling him up so he’s sitting on the counter with Jaehyun trapped between his thighs. He stands there, hands around Jungwoo’s waist, letting their noses brush, just listening to the sound of Jungwoo’s heavy breathing.
“Is this because of today?” Jungwoo whispers jokingly, lips grazing Jaehyun’s as he grins in that adorable, self-assured way.
Jaehyun has no idea how to tell Jungwoo that today was the breaking point, and that his emotions have been building up for years and years. He doesn’t know how to tell Jungwoo that everything the younger does makes Jaehyun melt. That his smile lights up Jaehyun’s world, that he has to stop himself from reacting to anything Jungwoo does on camera because he’s afraid he’ll give his heart away. He doesn’t know how to tell him that he is the most beautiful person in the entire world, that his laugh chases all of Jaehyun’s shadows away, that his kindness is the most incredible thing. Jaehyun wants to sit and admire Jungwoo for hours. He wants to hold his hand in public without fear of being seen by fans. He wants to lay next to him at night again and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. He wants to be able to hug Jungwoo, to kiss him whenever he wants, instead of sneaking quiet kisses in the privacy of their rooms.
He wants everything that Jungwoo will give him, because he loves Jungwoo. He unequivocally does.
But he doesn’t know how to express any of this. He doesn’t think he can.
So he doesn’t respond to Jungwoo with words, instead tilting Jungwoo’s chin down, cupping his face, and kissing him passionately. More passionate than ever.
Jungwoo seems to get the message that today is not one of those days when they banter between kisses. He groans into Jaehyun’s mouth, kissing back with as much ferocity.
It’s a battle to see who can take control, and Jaehyun is not about to lose. Without hesitation, he lets his hands drift under Jungwoo’s shirt, fingering at the waistline of his pajama pants. He teases for a second before migrating upward to run his cold hands along the lines of Jungwoo’s abs.
Jungwoo shivers, tangling his hands in Jaehyun’s hair before pressing forward even harder. He lets out the sweetest noises, breath hitching as Jaehyun’s thumb skates over a nipple.
Then Jaehyun pulls off, Jungwoo chasing after him, and moves his lips downward to mouth along Jungwoo’s chin. This makes Jungwoo whine, pulling on Jaehyun’s hair.
He takes his time, never sucking hard enough to leave any marks since he knows their stylists will be furious with him. But it has just the same effect on Jungwoo, and he writhes under Jaehyun’s touch. Jaehyun can tell he’s biting his tongue in an effort to be quiet, because Mark and Taeyong are in the adjacent rooms and the walls are thin.
Jaehyun wants to tell him to be as loud as he wants, to let all his beautiful noises out. But it would be incredibly stupid, so Jaehyun channels his disappointment into littering Jungwoo’s neck with kisses.
They’re there for what feels like a long time, lost in the feeling of each other. Then Jaehyun gets tired of being patient, so he slides his hands up under Jungwoo’s shirt and pulls him off the counter.
Jungwoo trips slightly as his feet touch the ground, right into Jaehyun, who catches him. They stare at each other for an endless moment, enough time for Jaehyun to notice Jungwoo’s wide-blown pupils and swollen, red lips.
The sight sparks something dangerous in Jaehyun’s chest.
He surges forward, capturing Jungwoo’s lips again, more aggressive than he’s ever been. Jungwoo stumbles back at the force of Jaehyun’s advances, but Jaehyun’s hands are on Jungwoo’s waist, steadying him. They sway back and forth, mouths moving together with newfound energy. Jaehyun walks them backwards until Jungwoo’s back hits the wall next to the bed with a loud thud. He hopes Mark didn’t hear that.
Bracing one hand against the wall, Jaehyun traps Jungwoo in his arms and keeps taking, stealing everything Jungwoo has with his lips. He thinks he crossed the point of no return way too long ago. There is no way he’ll be able to stop himself tonight.
Jungwoo’s hands fumble at the hem of Jaehyun’s shirt, desperate and rushed. Jaehyun lets him pull it up, giving him easy access to the rest of Jaehyun’s body. Jungwoo kisses him fiercely, fingers tracing Jaehyun’s back in shaky patterns.
Jaehyun’s grip on Jungwoo’s waist is strong enough to leave a bruise, but Jungwoo doesn’t seem to care. He’s clearly trying to pull Jaehyun’s shirt off completely, but Jaehyun doesn’t allow it just yet. He’s too lost in kissing all over Jungwoo’s face, his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids. Everywhere, Jaehyun stakes his claim. If he can’t leave his mark on Jungwoo’s neck and let the world know that Jungwoo is his and only his, then he’ll make sure Jungwoo is aware of the fact.
He drops a fleeting kiss on the corner of Jungwoo’s lips before finally pulling away and raising his arms. Jungwoo slides his shirt off in an instant, hooking his arms under Jaehyun’s shoulders and yanking them back together. Jungwoo’s lips land on Jaehyun’s collarbone, and it would almost be scary how eager Jungwoo is, if Jaehyun wasn’t just as impatient.
Finally, Jungwoo’s mouth drifts past the neckline, onto the parts of Jaehyun’s skin that no one will ever see but him, Jungwoo, and possibly the stylists. Then he starts kissing to leave marks, and Jaehyun keens.
Everyone always looks at Jungwoo and thinks him to be the soft, innocent member, the sweet puppy of the group. And he is, but when they’re alone together, Jaehyun knows the truth. Kim Jungwoo is a menace.
The position looks really uncomfortable for Jungwoo’s neck, though.
Yes, even blinded by a haze of euphoria, Jaehyun manages to be considerate about Jungwoo’s wellbeing. It’s how it’s always been. Jaehyun notices the little things, and he thinks Jungwoo appreciates it more than he lets on.
So to save Jungwoo’s spine from the stress, he swings them around and pushes Jungwoo back onto the bed. Climbing onto the mattress, Jaehyun hovers over him, caging Jungwoo in with his arms. He runs his hands over every part of Jungwoo that he can reach, until he decides that the shirt needs to go.
It’s a bit of a struggle, but eventually Jungwoo helps him pull it off, and then Jaehyun latches his mouth onto Jungwoo’s chest and leaves kisses on every inch of his perfect skin.
Jungwoo’s rather vocal, and when Jaehyun glances back up, he sees how he has a hand pressed against his mouth to stop his noises. That won’t do.
Jaehyun lets his lips brush against Jungwoo’s skin as he moves back up, ending up with his face right on top of Jungwoo’s. In one fluid motion, Jaehyun smirks, pulls Jungwoo’s hand off of his mouth, swoops in, and takes his lips again.
His hands continue their ministrations on Jungwoo’s hips, pressing and rubbing and touching. The space between their faces is as minimal as it can be, but they’re back to kissing lazily. Jaehyun doesn’t mind anymore. He’s satiated, and as long as he gets to kiss Jungwoo, he’s content. He thinks he might actually enjoy moments like these more, now that his brain isn’t clouded by desire. It feels more intimate, like it’s just Jungwoo and Jaehyun against the world. Like they’re taking care of each other. Like they have all the time in the world.
It feels like they’re in love.
But Jaehyun knows that isn’t true.
He’s tired, the day’s exhaustion catching up to him suddenly. Jungwoo seems like he’s the same, even breaking their kiss to yawn, slow and long.
“Sorry,” he mumbles. Jaehyun wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to apologize, that he never has to apologize, because he’s perfect in every way. The words get lodged in his throat, though.
Jungwoo cranes his neck up again to press more tender kisses against Jaehyun’s lips, but that only lasts for around 15 seconds before he’s yawning against Jaehyun’s mouth again and slumping back down against the pillows. Jaehyun just smiles fondly at how Jungwoo’s blinks are slow and soft. In one move, he wraps his arms around Jungwoo’s back and falls onto his side, pulling Jungwoo close. The younger buries his face into Jaehyun’s chest, breathing deep and lethargic.
“You should sleep, Woo. We had a long day.”
Jungwoo barely reacts to his words, and Jaehyun thinks he’s already half asleep. He can feel Jungwoo’s warm little puffs of breath against his bare chest, and it reddens his cheeks in the best way possible. He holds Jungwoo a little tighter, rubs gentle circles into the muscles of his back. They stay like that for another minute, until Jaehyun is sure Jungwoo is fast asleep, chest rising and falling, steadily and slowly. Then, like he always does, he carefully slips out of Jungwoo’s embrace and off of the bed, reaching for his shirt discarded somewhere on the ground. Like he always does, he tiptoes back to where Jungwoo is sleeping spread out on the bed, pulls the blankets over him, and tucks him in as carefully as he can be. But just as he’s about to make his way out and back to his room, he hears a drowsy voice call for him.
“Hyung…” Jaehyun turns to see Jungwoo watching him sleepily. “Please. Stay tonight?”
He hesitates for a second. Jaehyun never stays the night. He always leaves after they’re finished doing whatever they’re doing, because he believes that if he stays and falls asleep to the feeling of Jungwoo pressed impossibly close to his own body, he’ll be in too deep. He’ll fall too far to come back. He won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore.
But today, since Jaehyun thinks he’s already acknowledged the fact that he’s in love with Jungwoo, maybe he can make an exception. Besides, with his pillow hair and squishy cheeks, Jungwoo looks irresistibly adorable. Jaehyun’s drawn to him, and he needs nothing more than to wrap Kim Jungwoo in his arms and hold him close until they both yield to the pull of dreams.
So he sighs, no longer bothering to hide the endeared grin on his face. Placing his now-folded shirt on a chair, Jaehyun hurries to the other side of the bed, lifts the covers, and slips underneath into the warmth that Jungwoo’s offering. He shifts closer to Jungwoo until he can feel the younger’s back pressed against his chest, and then he throws his arms over Jungwoo’s body and rests his face between his shoulder blades, breathing in the smell of Jungwoo’s favorite peach-scented shampoo.
Jungwoo is already snoring again, exhausted. Jaehyun presses a soft kiss to his neck and closes his eyes. There are brown strands of hair tickling his nose. He couldn’t care less.
In the morning, he thinks he might tell Jungwoo just how much he feels about him. As long as he’s not too much of a coward to do it.
Jeong Jaehyun drifts off to sleep, surrounded by the comforting presence of the person he can’t believe it’s taken this long to realize that he loves.