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Maya couldn’t look at her phone, feeling a wave of guilt. She closed her eyes, hearing the voice in her head „eyes forward eyes forward embrace the pain“. She felt so incredible tired, so exhausted and overwhelmed and emotionally drained but „embrace the pain eyes forward at all times“. That was the way she functions that was the only way she knew would work for herself to push forward.
And then suddenly she was hearing another voice in her head „control issues“, „growing up with your dad“. She was hearing her own voice, she could feel this coldness inside of herself and then she saw Carinas face, the devastating look of her eyes, the tears ready to spill out of her eyes. She could see the way she was holding herself together last night, she could see the insecurity, the anxiety and she still could see so much love. She stopped the treadmill, getting down, taking a deep breath. „Breath“ „Eyes only on me“ „Bambina“. A tear spilled down her cheek and she was running again, but this time not on the treadmill, this time not away. This time she was running home.
Carina leaned against the bathroom door looking at the pregnancy test. „Growing up with your dad“, „Control issues“, this coldness in Mayas eyes, this stubborness, all these thoughts were streaming through her head. A scream fought it’s way out of her stopping into sobs wrecking her entire body. She went over to the mirror looking at herself her hand hovering over her stomach and more tears were streaming down her cheeks. She looked at the pregnancy test again but she couldn’t do it, she doesn’t want to do it without Maya but what if she needed to? Another wave of sobs flew through her body and she slid down against the outside of the shower embracing her knees just crying, because she hadn’t any energy left, she couldn’t hold herself up anymore.
Maya nearly ran through their door.
„Carina?“ No answer.
She went to the bedroom which was empty and for a matter of seconds there was this panic inside of her that she finally reached Carinas breaking point that she finally left her, but then she saw the light under the bathroom floor and knocked gently.
„Carina?“ Still no answer.
She tried the door and it was unlocked. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight she met when she opened the door. There was her love on the floor holding onto her legs rocking back and forth. Her face was hidden and she heard sniffles coming from her wife.
„My love?“
Carina slowly lifted her head laying it on her knees looking at Maya with the question in her eyes „Am I still?“ and when Mayas heart broke before, it shattered into a million pieces right now. „Eyes forward“ she could hear in her head she could feel this coldness inside of her, but she didn’t look away she looked at her girl. „Breath bambina“ she could hear her too inside of her head, the love of her life it was only a whisper but she looked at her girl never loosing this sight in front of her the sight she promised herself right now right there she would fight to never see again. She believed she never saw her wife this heartbroken this hurt and in so much pain and it hurt her so much more than all this pressure coming from the voice inside her head coming from her father, the voice which was getting louder and louder every single day.
She looked at her girl, before she took the phone out of her pocket still trying to listen to the „breath bambina“ even when it became harder every second. She only looked away for a second looking for the right number before she moved the phone to her ear. She felt her body shaking the tears streaming down her cheeks seeing all this hurt in the eyes of the love of her life right before her, seeing the tiredness in her whole body and when she saw the pregnancy test in her hand still closed she felt her legs giving out under her and she was sliding down the door.
She heard the call connecting still looking at her wife.
„Maya?“
„Dr. Lewis?“ Her voice was shaking. „I need an appointment please it’s urgent Can you? Can I? Is it okay?“ She couldnt’t find the words. But she was still looking at Carina and she found the strength to not break down right here right now to stay on the phone to not give up.
„Of course. Can you come by tomorrow at 3“
„I will.“ And her voice sounded strong again, strong and steady.
„Maya are you safe right now?“
„I am safer as I could ever be.“ She said looking at her love never losing the eyes of Carina.
„Good that’s good. Do you need me to know something before tomorrow?“
„I I I („Breath bambina“) I need your help please because I can’t do this anymore I can’t his voice it’s in my head like it’s always been but it’s only working for me in this way it always have been his way but it’s not working for us and I can’t lose us but I do right now I lose us I hurt us I hurt her I hurt them every single day and I can’t I can’t“ Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she could hear his voice inside of her head whispering but she shook her head looking at her girl.
„Maya you sure you are safe right now?“
„Yes.“
„Is Carina ok?“
„No but I am here now and tomorrow I will come see you and I will fix this I will fight we won’t lose this it’s ours just ours.“ She said with a strong voice as more tears were streaming down her cheeks when she said it out loud for herself to hear but for Carina as well.
„Okay Maya I will see you tomorrow. I am proud of you.“ Maya looked confused at her phone.
„There is nothing to be proud of me.“
„Yes Maya it is and I will help you see this.“
The call ended and she was still looking at Carina both of them with tears streaming down their cheeks.
„I am sorry I hurt you every single day and do not keep my promise to choose you and love you forever.“ Maya said still with this steady voice because she needs both of them to hear that right now. „I will fight for us I will fight for you I will fight for that promise I promise I will fight and I hope you still love me even if I don’t deserve it.“
Carina reached out a shaking hand taking it with a shaking breath as Maya took it like the night before. Carina pulled her into her arms. They were meeting in the middle falling into each others arms. Carina was shaking with sobs again and they were holding onto each other for dear life.
„You will always deserve love.“ Carina whispered. Maya shook her head breaking down crying and Carina hold onto her even tighter nodding.
„I love you and nothing is going to change that.“ Carina whispered over and over again.
They were sitting there for a while both shaking with tears. When they both trembled because of the coldness Maya pulled them up with a pained expression. It was like her whole body hurt. Carina hold onto her even more.
„Do you want to…?“ Carina couldn’t bring herself to ask.
Maya captured her chin gently lifting it up to look into her girls eyes.
„Do you want to shower together?“ Carina tried again holding Mayas eyes.
„Si“ Maya whispered trying to smile and a new wave of tears came over her. „I love you my love I love you so much I can’t even explain it I love I love I love you. I am so sorry I gave you the feeling that I don’t but I love you so damn much I love you and I will fight for you I will fight for us I love you.“
Tears were streaming down Carinas cheeks when she catured Mayas face gently and kissed her before they were resting their foreheads against each other looking into each others eyes holding onto that love, promising themselves to never lose that like in the last months because they can’t they just can’t.
They helped each other get out of their clothes stepping into the shower, for a long while just standing under the hot water holding each other looking into each others eyes sharing small breaths between kisses.
Mayas hand was hovering over Carinas stomach.
„Can I?“ her voice broke and fresh tears were mixing with the water streaming down their faces.
„Si. But I don’t know.“ Maya kissed her. „I know baby.“ Carina intervined their hands and Maya smiled resting their hands on Carinas stomach. Carina took a shaky breath and Maya looked up at her.
„You will be a mamma my love. We will be mommies.“ She said it with so much love that Carina smiled so bright with teary eyes looking at their joined hands on her stomach.
When they lay in bed half an hour later they were still holding onto each other forehead against forehead.
„I am scared.“ Mayas voice broke.
Carina hold her even tighter.
„I am scared too.“ Maya nuzzled their noses together looking into each other eyes.
„I will fight for us I promise.“
„We will.“
„I love you so much.“
„Ti amo tanto bambina.“
They know they could do this together because like Carina said their love story is beautiful and theirs just theirs.