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It was stupid. Everything was stupid. Tighnari thought this as he jumped from Sigil to Sigil, needing to find some form of exhilaration. The forest zipped past him at the speed of light, and the wind against Tighnari’s ears almost made them fold inside-out. But what did he care? It was stupid. Everything was stupid. It wasn’t long before Tighnari reached the end of the string of Sigils, being sent straight back to Gandharva Ville where his Forest Rangers were either loitering around or pouring over maps. Once his feet met the wood, it felt as if every eye in the world turned to look at him. Most of the time, these eyes were filled with excitement and relief. Now, they were filled with worry and criticism. Every step of his echoed in his mind as he trudged to his hut. The steps were much preferred to the speculative whispers and prattle filling the air.
Look at Master’s ears! I’ve never seen them so down…
Did something happen? Should we ask?
No! Are you crazy? Let’s give him space.
But he’s been like this for so long. I mean- he’s still doing his job as usual but…
He’ll tell us or he won’t. Now get back to the map.
He took in the familiar sight of his hut and the glow of the bioluminescence plants he’d been studying. Weakly, Tighnari brought a hand up to tug and free the string pulling the leaves from covering the house entrance. With that, Tighnari had the slightest bit more privacy. It was near night, the last of the sunlight flowing through the stained glass windows, covering the room in a viridescent sheen. Usually, he would situate himself at his desk and write notes on the state of the forest until nightfall. Now? He pensively sat on his bed, head in his hands. The rangers were right. Usually when running his fingers through his hair, he would quickly stop at his ears, but his ears drooped so far he didn’t hit them for much longer. Archons, this was much worse than he thought. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.
Tighnari wracked his brain, forcing himself to recall the past, remembering the times it didn’t hurt to look back at it. Even the memories seemed to be killing him slowly. Amongst the pain, Tighnari did something he hadn’t dared to in years. He broke. A single tear rolled down his cheek only to be stopped by his hands running down his face, as if trying to reset and stop himself from going farther. It didn’t work. The tears slipped through the cracks, and it overwhelmed him. His own tears were saltwater, and soon he would drown at sea. More and more water spilled down his face until he was fully sobbing. Why couldn’t he stop? Why couldn’t he stop remembering ? As much as he tried, he couldn’t push back the memories of the two at the Pardis Dhyai talking about their lives. The feeling of the cool marble against his elbows as he propped them up on the railing, unable to take his eyes off the other man. He wasn’t even sure if he was taking in the words coming out of his mouth or the man in general at the time. The way there was a slight upturn to his lips. The way the moonlight was positioned in such a way that it shone on the man’s visible eye making the amber practically gleam. The way that Tighnari couldn’t stop looking no matter how hard he tried to tear his eyes away. The best part was that the man’s eyes fixed onto him. That shine was for him. That smile was for him . Until it wasn’t. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.
More memories broke his dam, flooding his mind drowning him further. He was making gasps for air before going back under his flow of tears. He reminisced on the way Cy- he walked into Gandharva Ville with more of a pep in his step than usual, Collei running up to him beaming as opposed to Tighnari steadily walking over but still ecstatic to see him. By now, he’d accepted that feeling of excitement when seeing the man. His acceptance came much too late. This thought was confirmed when the man asked to take Tighnari to a secluded place. It was there again. The shine that Tighnari loved to see. His world came crashing down when he realized it wasn’t directed towards him. There was a numbness that washed over Tighnari at that moment. The more the man talked, the more numb he felt. One went up as the other plummeted down. Tighnari wanted to rip his ears off because of how loud the man’s usually quiet voice felt. Just thinking about it made Tighnari’s ears hurt in real-life. There were various decorum scattered about Tighnari's daily outfit gifted to him by the man, but from that day on, Tighnari didn’t wear a single one of them. They weighed on him too much. Even now, the apparel was haphazardly strewn across the wooden floor. It no longer felt like the items were for him, even though they were specifically given to him as a gift. He felt as if he didn’t deserve them, as if the articles and the affection they were given to him with belonged to another person. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.
Talking to the man no longer felt like a break. It just felt like another chore . While Collei grew more excited to see the other man, Tighnari’s walks towards him became slower and slower over the days. He knew what he had to hear. The man fawning over someone he didn’t even know. The gener- man wasn’t someone who dwelled on this topic often, but whenever he touched on it, Tighnari felt mad? Betrayed? No, no those weren’t the words. He felt… jealous. Sooner or later, Cy-the man asked him why he no longer saw his gifts on Tighnari’s outfit. For the first time in a long time, Tighnari lied right to his face. Those? Yes they added much more color to my look, but they got in the way of work. Don’t dwell on it too much, you resemble a kicked baby Sumpter Beast. What were you saying about them, was what Tighnari said. He didn’t miss a beat when replying. There was risk in showing any apprehension because the perpetually wary man would be onto him in a second. If he really did pick up on what Tighnari was doing, he didn’t act upon his thoughts, going straight back to describing his latest rendezvous with his…chosen person. Envy bubbled up in the back of his mind. Tighnari always replaced these horrible green thoughts with pinker ones about how happy he was for the two, constantly convincing himself that he should be happy because someone he cared about was happy. Just not happy with…him. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.
Despite all these thoughts, Tighnari couldn’t bring himself to try and force the man out of his life. It would be selfish, and he was being selfish enough already. Tighnari wasn’t his valued person, but he was the man’s valued friend. His friend who was there in case he needed someone to fall back on when all fell down. It was then that Tighnari felt afraid. How many times had he missed the man’s times of need when he opted to confide in his special someone rather than Tighnari? How many injuries, work complaints, and important developments had Tighnari missed in the man’s life? He had to stop himself again. The man wasn’t obligated to tell Tighnari anything, and he was fully allowed to go to whoever he wanted to help. These feelings just made Tighnari all the more reluctant to go to the other man for help when he needed it. He would feel like a home-wrecker if he did so- as unreasonable as it sounded. Enough beating around the bush was enough. Tighnari was completely and utterly heartbroken. There was nothing he could do about these feelings but be a spectator. It was never him talking to the man anymore. It was…someone else. A robot who was programmed to say the things it was supposed to say. A robot who poked fun at the man when it needed to and was sentimental when it should be. It was fine. Tighnari didn’t mind being a robot if Collei and… him stayed happy and healthy. He would endure for them, even if it meant he had to endure his whole life. The notion sounded silly. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.
No. No, he wouldn’t waste his life away like this. He had to cut the man off somehow. Tighnari consistently prioritized others over himself, but was it worth losing himself for? It wasn’t in the slightest. He was Forest Watcher Tighnari, for Archons sake! Someone who didn’t allow people to wrong him regardless of who they were. When thinking that, Tighnari realized that the man wasn’t wronging him. He was living his life. Tighnari felt disgusting all over again, like he wanted to curl in on himself to the point he disappeared. His thoughts were so back and forth that he couldn’t make heads or tails of them. Jealousy to humility, then back to jealousy again. It was a vicious cycle. A cycle that Tighnari had to live with for as long as the other man loved their supposed soulmate. If they parted somehow, how would Tighnari feel? Why was he asking. He already knew. He would feel repulsively relieved. Thinking he finally had his chance, when the time was right- Tighnari would ask for the man’s hand. Thorns dug into his sides at the thought, and Tighnari was taken out of his turbulent oblivion. There were physical thorns digging into his sides, subconsciously done by the vision glowing at his hip. There was a thorny vine sprouting from the floor that was trying to constrict itself around Tighnari with unassuming yellow flowers decorating it. With a wave of the hand, the thorny vines and the daffodils that adorned them disappeared. He should forget. He had to let go. He couldn’t harbor these feelings and the agony they brought. Finally, Tighnari laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling without a single thought in his mind. The only evidence of his breakdown was the faint tear streaks down his face.
It was stupid. Everything was stupid. He was stupid.
Tighnari. Was. Stupid.
And it hurt so much.