Chapter Text

Akemi Homura and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month (On Repeat)

3^rd loop

It is only after she once again finds herself in the hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling, that Akemi Homura truly starts to take stock of what has happened.

She wouldn't call her wish an easy one by any means. At bare minimum, it will involve bringing down Walpurgisnacht without Madoka dying, and having faced it multiple times already she's still short on ideas how just how she's to accomplish that.

But it had seemed simple enough.

Become a magical girl.

Become stronger.

Protect Madoka.

But each time she travelled back there had been more revelations – more complications – that threatened to simply unravel the whole process.

Magical girls and witches were one and the same. Taxing their soul gem beyond breaking point, or giving in to despair, would lead to them become a monstrosity.

And revealing the truth to her friends was… not an option.

Not anymore.

Mami…

Protecting Madoka no longer means fighting by her side as a fellow magical girl. It means preventing her from making a contract with that accursed rodent at all.

And that means… she can't operate as part of the group any more. There shouldn't be a group in the first place.

For a moment she feels a coldness settle in her gut.

For all the pain and terror that came when she had been a newbie magical girl, the first loop had, without a doubt, been the happiest month of her life.

Working alongside Madoka. Learning under Mami. Celebrating each victory together, exulting in their friendship.

Would she have to cast this all aside?

I won't rely on anyone else any more.

She takes in another deep, shaky breath. Slides out of bed.

After a moment, she removes her glasses. A surge of magic, and the blurred world sharpens around her.

I'll do whatever needs to be done.

(X)

In the process of striking out on her own, Homura quickly learns a few important things.

First among them, the fact that, in earlier timelines, Tomoe Mami had been actively working to insulate her protégés from the worst of magical girl politicking and infighting.

But faced with someone she sees as a peer, she no longer has any reason to extend such a courtesy.

She knows very little, and trusts even less, of the magical girl who had shown up out of nowhere in Mitakihara, bringing her tidings of hopelessness.

And standing in front of her, teeth clenched and willing herself not to shake, Homura doesn't know how to just convince her.

Mami is at once unfailingly polite and utterly inscrutable, a glacier towering over Homura and just as inevitable in its slow approach.

“I shall take your warnings about Walpurgisnacht's approach to heart,” she says, face impassive under the light of the street lamp.”But if you have nothing else to say, I believe that concludes our discussion.”

“But...” Homura's tongue feels foreign in her own mouth. What is she supposed to say? What is she supposed to do?

So much for the new you, Homura. What did taking off your glasses and straightening your hair change?

You're still the same girl. The same weak, pathetic, useless girl who can't even save one friend.

Perhaps Mami sees the turmoil in her eyes, because something softer enters her body language.

“Mitakihara's a sizeable city. There's no reason we cannot co-exist… as long as we stay out of each other's way.”

She stands and makes to leave, content with that olive branch. Homura licks her lips.

“Madoka.” One word. That's all she can manage.

Mami stops dead in her tracks.

“Are you going to ask her to be a magical girl?”

“… That's Kaname-san's decision to make. All I can do is offer advice. And my support, should she want it.”

Mami has not turned to face her.

“You shouldn't encourage her.” Hesitation stills her tongue. What else to reveal? She knows Mami will take the truth – any inkling of it – badly.

Mami doesn't respond as she turns and leaves.

A few days later, Homura watches as Madoka plunges into the depths of a witch's labyrinth, hot on Mami's heels, and feels a dulled pain clawing at her heart.

(X)

7 ^th Loop

She says something wrong. Does something wrong. Maybe she comes across as too aggressive, or too insistent.

Maybe her refusal to allow Madoka to contract had come across as a threat.

In a flash of light, Mami is in her magical girl outfit, and her muskets are floating at her side.

“Stand down, Akemi-san.” Her expression is cold.

Homura tries, she really does.

She freezes time, draws a gun.

Lifts it, forces herself to aim at Mami's soul gem.

Her hands tremble, and the gun wavers wildly.

Do it.

Do it you damn coward. Madoka could do it to save your life, why can't you, you useless, stupid-

She remembers a kind smile. An outstretched hand.

“Shall I teach you how to use firearms, Akemi-san?”

“Let's learn together.”

She flinches, and the grey prison around her shatters as time resumes.

It's almost insulting how quickly Mami disarms her after that.

She spares her life, unknowingly returning the favour.

“Don't let me see you again.”

(X)

9^th Loop

Sayaka dies.

It's not working.

It's not working.

There's too many variables, too many unknowns. Walpurgisnacht still awaits at the end of her loops, and she can't figure out a way to bring it down.

She can't even figure out a way to keep her friends alive.

She watches from a distance as Madoka weeps over the loss of her friend, Kyouko awkwardly patting her shoulder to give her support.

She's an outsider now. Madoka doesn't know her; her warnings against contracting have no weight.

The only one who would be able to persuade Madoka is the senior she looks up to.

Mami, whose trust Homura had forgotten (had she ever known?) how to earn.

She lowers her head, rubs at her temples with the back of her hand.

Her soul gem shines up at her, the cold violet light empty and mocking.

(X)

13^th loop

“Akemi-san?”

“Tomoe Mami. Were you showing off?!” Disbelief tinges her voice as she rushes forward through a world frozen in grey.

After all those lessons about always taking witches seriously and never letting my guard down, she nearly gets herself eaten because she was showboating?

Homura wants to be angry.

She almost is. Mostly she's just relieved she'd been in time.

“I-” Mami doesn't respond immediately. Her eyes are still wide and staring, at the gaping maw of the beast that had been a half-second from devouring her. “What's going on?”

“This is my power as a magical girl,” Homura opts to keep her explanation short. There'll be time later on. “I can halt time for everything but myself… and things connected to me one way or another.”

She casts a meaningful glance at her foot and the sudden appearance of a golden ribbon wrapped tightly around her ankle.

“Ah...” Mami averts her gaze. “So… you knew.”

She sees no need for a response and so she does not say anything.

“I apologize for-”

“It's fine,” Homura shakes her head and draws her weapon. “We can talk after we defeat this witch.”

With a nod and a flourish, more muskets are summoned forth, and bullets fly as time resumes.

(X)

Homura had almost forgotten how comforting it was to fight alongside Mami.

It's not just that she's a veteran, and has still been doing this longer than Homura has, even with the time loops.

It's not just that she's managed to keep Madoka from contracting so far.

It's the sheer familiarity. The comfort of watching someone's back, and knowing that your partner is watching you in turn.

She hadn't realized how much she'd missed this until she has it back.

Get a grip. Didn't you say you weren't going to rely on anyone else?

And Mami isn't reliable. If she finds out too much, she'll break.

Homura has to keep it hidden from her, as much for Mami's sake as for her own.

And so she can't truly consider Mami a partner. Nor a friend. At best, a useful ally.

But still.

For now.

Fighting alongside Mami is nice.

And when Homura crouches among the shattered ruins of the city, feeling her lungs burn and broken limbs scream in pain, when she hears the peals of Walpurgisnacht's insane laughter in the distance, when her shield whirs and clicks, preparing to bring her back for another try-

Homura realizes she'll miss having Mami on her side.

(X)

14^th loop

At this point Homura has first few days down to a science.

At least, that's the way it should be.

From the moment she wakes in the hospital bed she feels disoriented, as if the world had changed around her in ways she couldn't quite perceive.

She meets Madoka early this time. Keeps her distance. Chases Kyubey off.

Mami misunderstands, and tries to protect Kyubey. It's not the first time.

It probably won't be the last.

She's tried defending herself a couple of times in earlier loops. But then had settled for leaving in silence. She knows Mami won't press the issue if she retreats.

She turns away, and she remembers.

“I'm glad I got the chance to meet you, Akemi-san.”

She swallows.

Walks away.

Mami isn't going to trust her anyway this time around anyway. Not with one of Kyubey's bodies lying on the ground in between them.

(X)

17^th loop

An alliance with Kyouko is straightforward, at least on the face of it. Neither really trust the other but they know the added firepower is helpful, and Homura is willing to give up more than her fair share of grief seeds to sweeten the pot.

“You're pretty good for someone who just showed up around the turn of the month. Did you try cutting a deal with Mami too?”

“… Yes.” And it's true, technically. There's no need to mention that particular attempt hadn't been in this time loop.

After all, who's going to call her out?

“Yeah?” Kyouko scoffs and takes a long swig of whatever sugary mess is in her can. “Figures her bleeding heart wouldn't want to reduce witch hunting to a transaction.”

Homura doesn't reply.

After a moment, Kyouko's cheeks twitch.

“Well, maybe if she'd taken you up on the offer and had you watching her back, she'd still be around.”

Kyouko stares at the drink in her can for a long moment. It's the closest she'll come to expressing grief over her old partner and mentor.

Homura can't remember if she's learned about Kyouko and Mami's past together this particular run, and so she opts to say nothing.

Kyouko tilts her head back, draining the last of her drink and tosses the can away.

As if one cue, their soul gems flare as one, heralding the presence of a witch.

“After you.” Spear in hand, Kyouko makes an exaggerated sweeping gesture, to which Homura shrugs and stands.

There's work to be done.

(X)

23^rd loop

Sayaka dies. Again.

Homura digs through her heart, tries to recall the sympathy she felt for the girl succumbing to such a wretched fate.

She's not sure if the wisps of feeling she summons up is actual sadness or simply pure frustrated exhaustion.

Madoka sits crumpled on the train station floor, silently weeping. Mami stares at nothing with harrowed eyes, trying to process what she had just seen.

She knows that they're blaming themselves. Cycling through the last few days, wondering if there was something they could have said, something different they could have done, to save Sayaka.

Briefly she ponders if the knowledge that 'No, you could not have saved her from herself' would be of any help.

Probably not.

She rubs her thumb against her cheek, wiping away a bloodstain.

Two days later, Mami breaks her own soul gem.

(X)

27^th loop

Not for the first time, Homura finds herself staring down the barrel of a musket.

Despite the tears, despite the desperate rage in her eyes, Mami's aim is steady.

“Akemi-san, you knew.” Her voice comes out ragged, squeezed though a throat tight with grief. “You knew that we would turn into witches!”

Homura keeps her gaze steady, neither denying nor confirming the fact.

She's kept her powers a secret from the others this time around.

She could freeze time.

Escape.

Or disable Mami.

Homura does nothing.

A long moment passes.

The musket lowers, fractionally.

And then Mami collapses, knees buckling under her, body curling into itself.

She hugs herself and sobs.

“Kaname-san...” she whimpers, her voice small and lost to the night. “Kaname-san, I'm s-sorry...”

An impulse seizes Homura, crushing into her chest, bright and burning in its intensity.

She wants to hug Mami, wrap her arms around her and offer what comfort she can, against the bleak and cold world that surrounds them.

She wants to tear into Mami, yell at her that if only she'd agreed to work together at the start they could have prevented this, stopped Sayaka and contracting and prevented the shock and despair of Oktavia's appearance from drowning Madoka's own soul gem in inky black.

She doesn't.

Homura simply closes her eyes, and feels the world dissolve around her as time winds back once more.

(X)

29^th loop

“Tomoe-san. Could you write me something?”

“Hm?” Mami looks at her, her smile gentle but quizzical. “What do you mean, Akemi-san?”

“I mean...” she chews at her own lip for a moment, unused to being able to speak about this so freely. “You're my… partner, right?”

The word feels foreign on her own lips.

Mami's amused smile only grows. “Why yes, I believe that is the term for someone who works alongside you as an equal. You're not unhappy with the current arrangement, are you, Akemi-san?”

“No, it's… pleasant. More than pleasant, really.”

Almost like a dream, if she were to be honest.

How long has it been since Mami had seen her as more than an enemy or even an occasional ally of convenience?

A rare coincidence of both of them arriving at the same time to save Madoka and Sayaka from Gertrud had resulted in earning Mami's trust – as well as her diverting her interest from Madoka towards the apparent newcomer magical girl.

And so she had invited her into the fold, to work together.

Sometimes Homura wishes she could say that she's hardened her heart, steeled herself to what needs to be done.

But times like these, when she can't bring herself to turn down the warmth and friendship and company of others, give the lie to that belief.

The times when she had endured the struggles alone hadn't tempered her, but had worn her down instead. Enough that when genuine kindness is offered she finds herself drawn to it once more, like a moth to a flame.

And now, two days out from Walpurgisnacht's arrival, the thought that this would all be torn away once more causes a black pit to form in her stomach.

I'm fucking pathetic.

“Tomoe-san, you remember how I told you I'm a time traveller?”

“Yes, and that's why you're seeking the help of other magical girls to stop the calamity, correct?” Mami had listened to her entire story without comment and then simply nodded and agreed to help.

“Yes, and,” she takes a deep breath. “I… enjoy having you as my partner.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual.” Another bright smile.

“And if… if I need to travel back again, could you write down something for me? A note, or… something. Something only you would know. Something that… would allow you to trust me.”

Mami doesn't respond for a long moment, choosing instead to lift her cup and take a slow sip from it. She places it quietly down on the saucer.

“You don't think we can win.”

Homura averts her gaze and answers as best she can. “I've failed so many times already.”

A silence falls upon the two of them, until Mami stands, clearing away the empty cups and dishes and bringing them to the kitchen in the back.

“Would you mind seeing yourself out, Akemi-san? I think I'll be a bit busy for the rest of the day.”

Homura quietly accedes to the request.

She does not see her the entirety of the next day. Of course she doesn't.

Way to go, Homura. Still the world champion of making Tomoe Mami hate you.

Then, on the morning that Walpurgisnacht is to arrive, Mami presses an envelope into her palm.

Homura blinks, looks down at the envelope, and then back at Mami.

“Do you know how you looked when you asked me for this writing, Akemi-san?” Mami's voice is soft. “I don't know what you've been through all this time, alone. But if my writing this helps you and can grant you any comfort… and any other mes you might happen to meet, then of course I'd do it.”

Homura stares down at the envelope with a sort of detached numbness.

She swallows.

“I… thank you. Thank you, Mami.”

Mami smiles at her, eyes crinkling with soft delight.

(X)

Homura finds her body, broken and battered.

“Akemi-san...” The whisper is soft, so soft she almost feels she imagined it at first. “You're... here.”

“That's right. I'm here.” She reaches down, grasping her hand and squeezing it as tight. “I'll be here.”

Mami's lips twitch upwards for the barest, briefest moment.

“Homura.”

She remains crouched over the body, long after Mami has grown still.

And then she closes her eyes and lets time take her again.

(X)

30^th loop

“May I come in?”

Mami's expression is nothing but polite as she opens the door and invites Homura into her apartment. But Homura knows her well enough to tell that she's on edge.

Even so, she still prepares tea and offers Homura a mug before they start.

Some things never change.

Mami takes a long sip herself setting the cup down on the table and fixing Homura with an even gaze.

“Kyubey tells me he doesn't recall making a contract with you before.”

“He wouldn't.” She keeps her own expression neutral.

“I don't think you're my enemy, which is partly why I agreed to this meeting. But I still do want answers, Akemi-san.” One hand rests on the glass table, fingers only just curling into what resembles a fist.

Homura purses her lips. Sucks in a breath.

From her shield, she withdraws the envelope.

“Before anything else, please read this.”

The question in Mami's eyes goes unspoken as she accepts the letter. Even as she undoes the seal and opens it her eyes flicker back up to Homura, trying to discern her true purposes.

That goes away the moment she reads the first words on the page. Homura doesn't miss the sharp intake of air, nor the way her fingers tighten around the edges of the paper.

“How – you-,” she finally manages, a quaver in her voice she can't hide. “How did you learn about this? About...” Her voice trails off into silence.

Homura hesitates a moment, runs one hand through her hair.

“I don't know what's written in there,” she admits.

“What?”

“I'm a time traveller. I asked you- another you, from another time – to write something only you would know. So you'd… where I'm coming from. I'm,” she pauses, licks at lips that feel too dry. “I don't know your secrets and I don't want to. But I want your tr- you to trust me. At least, enough to work together.” She tries to speak over her stutter, hoping Mami didn't notice.

There's a silence for a long moment.

“I don't know that I trust you. Or that I can believe your claims.” Mami finally says. Her eyes have not left the words on the paper. “But this is indeed my handwriting and… I...”

Another silence falls upon the room.

Finally, with slow, deliberate motions, Mami refolds the letter and places it back in the envelope. The envelope is left in the centre of the table.

“All right, Akemi-san.” Mami gives a single, firm nod. “Let's talk.”

And Homura feels the beginning of a smile on her face.

(X)

31^st loop

“I suppose there's something I still don't understand,” Mami's gaze is distant as she lifts her teacup to her lips. After a quick sip, she lowers it and regards Homura with an even gaze. “If what you've told me is accurate, the threat that Walpurgisnacht poses is massive. You – and I, I suppose – have lost to it multiple times already.”

“… Yes, it is.”

Homura knows where this conversation is going.

She's been through it a dozen times already.

Still, that it is a conversation at all is a step up from her arriving too late to prevent it.

“In that case, why are you so adverse to having Kaname-san form a contract? According to Kyubey she has massive latent potential – more than either of us, I daresay. Surely having her on our side would be helpful?”

I would do anything for her.

I don't want her to become a witch.

She told me not to let Kyubey trick her into a contract anymore.

Answers form in her mind and burst like bubbles before they can make their way to her tongue.

“Madoka is – was -” she stumbles slightly, before shaking her head. “She is someone very dear to me. I don't want her kindness and innocence to be tainted by the world of witches.”

She's silent for a long moment. Mami doesn't speak either, perhaps sensing that Homura has more to say. But even now, she struggles to articulate it, the dark truth of their nature as magical girls hammering against her skull.

“Being a magical girl… isn't a good thing, Tomoe-san.”

Mami opens her mouth, as if to contradict her. But after a moment she sits back in her chair, and nods once.

“Very well.”

(X)

Madoka forms a contract anyway, without any of them knowing. Homura swallows down her bitterness as Mami warmly welcomes her into the fold.

Stewing over it won't help. Nor will shooting Kyubey, as momentarily satisfying as it might be.

There's work to be done.

(X)

40^th loop

The light of the setting sun floods Mami's apartment in hues of orange and red.

It's warm. Pleasant.

“How do you do it, Tomoe-san?” Homura lies with her limbs splayed out on Mami's couch, feeling an impossible weariness seeping through her bones.

“I'm not quite sure what you mean.” At her desk, Mami's head is bowed over an exercise book. Homework.

When's the last time Homura had given any real thought to school work? At this point, filling in the correct answers on worksheets and tests are automatic for her.

Those things only existed in a strange haze of unreality, something that would become solid only if – when – she broke free of this prison.

That's part of why she's pondering this right now, she supposes.

“How did you keep going after you… lose someone?”

This gets Mami to straighten and lay her pencil on the table. She doesn't turn to face Homura – not yet.

“If what you've told me is true, then you've lost far, far more than I ever have.”

Homura can't pick out a reason from her jumbled memories of their interactions – did she tell her that in this timeline? - but this Mami has been far more open and accommodating than any other in a long time.

“But you still carried on. You've always been...” she trails off, unsure of the word.

'Strong' is perhaps not the correct word. She knows that Mami's kind, motherly personality is a fragile covering over her stress and strain. That, pushed too far, she might snap and break.

But Mami tries, nonetheless. Tries so hard to be someone Homura can't even pretend at.

“For myself, I'm just spinning my wheels. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on.”

I don't even really want to. A part of me that can't accept loss, and always goes back for another try.

“What if I told you it wasn't real?” Even from the side, there's a strange half-smile on her face that Homura doesn't remember seeing before. “What if I told you these smiles and this kindness… they were all just an act?”

A silence. Homura sees Mami's fists clench.

“I haven't...” She swallows, her jaw working on air for a moment. “I haven't moved on. Not at all. When you strip everything away… I'm still a scared little girl wishing I had my parents back.”

For a moment, Homura flounders, unsure of what to say.

She's stepped on so many metaphorical landmines already, she doesn't want it to happen again.

But those time were with a Mami suspicious and cold. This is Mami, afraid and uncertain, baring her pain to Homura.

So she pauses for a moment, and plunges ahead.

“Your smiles may be fake,” her voice is soft as she digs through her memory. “But your warmth isn't.”

For a moment, a brief smile of nostalgia crosses her face.

“You've comforted me and guided me… more times than you know, Tomoe-san. That was real.”

Mami remains quiet for a long moment before she nods.

“I… thank you.”

(X)

47^th loop

Sometimes Homura wonders if she's going mad.

Torn between the relentless, crushing weight that is Walpurgisnacht's approach, that she still can't find a way to beat the damn thing without Madoka sacrificing herself in the process-

And the mundane, ordinary everyday. Sitting in Mami's house, making idle, pointless chitchat as she cleans her guns, turning down or accepting her relentess offers of baked goods.

Earning her trust is a consistent thing now. Some iterations of her are doubtful at first, but always she agrees to work together, securing Mitakihara against the witches, and to combine their efforts against the upcoming storm.

And it's maddening, it really is. To have an ally so consistently there, and yet so consistently wrenched away.

Wasn't this why I wanted to go solo?

Kyouko laughs sometimes, calling her stoic and cold.

Maybe she is.

Or maybe keeping that mask on is the only thing holding back the blubbering exhausted mess she is inside.

But at this point, the only thing worse than losing Mami and Madoka over and over again is never being able to connect with them at all.

“Akemi-san, it's almost time for our patrol,” Mami's voice comes from behind her. “Are you prepared?”

Homura brushes away a wrinkle in her skirt and stands. Half a second's pause, to centre her weight, and then she turns to regard her partner.

“Always.”

(X)

49^th loop

Seated once more in Mami's apartment, Homura sourly reflects that planning for the assault against Walpurgisnacht would go a lot better if the damned thing would at least stay consistent.

How powerful it is seems to vary with every iteration Homura faces. Sometimes victory seems within reach – snatched from her grasp at the last moment. Sometimes it crushes whatever force she's managed to assemble with contemptuous ease.

Fucking why?

Unless she can figure it out, it's no different from blindly rolling dice and hoping to get lucky on a long shot.

She needs more information to go on than basically Nothing At All.

And on that note, she lowers the gun she's been cleaning and heaves a sigh.

“Kyubey.”

“It's unusual for you to address me directly, Akemi Homura.”

“If I store a grief seed in my shield, will there be any changes made to the grief seed over the long term?”

“And quite an unusual question in turn.”

She raises her head enough to scowl at the creature sitting on the floor in front of her.

“Answer me.”

A slight movement of the body, perhaps enough for it to pass as a shrug. “I cannot be entirely certain, as I don't know the exact nature of the way your shield works. But if it is merely freezing an object in time, there should be no untoward changes to them, grief seeds included.”

“Duly noted. Now go fuck yourself.”

“The standard response to fulfilling requests for information is to express gratitude.”

“Tomoe-san, do me a favour and tell Kyubey to go fuck himself.”

“I will tell him no such thing.” Mami doesn't bother to look up at either of them as she continues to sip at her tea.

(X)

51^st loop

Winning Mami over is easy now, so much that it's become almost routine.

Almost.

Maybe she said something wrong. Done something wrong. Maybe her words came out as too rehearsed, or she'd tipped her hand, revealed something she wasn't yet supposed to know, or, or, or-

She finds herself staring down the barrel of a musket. Again.

She's planned for this contingency. Hell, it's happened before. A dozen different ways to subdue Tomoe Mami if she proves herself an obstacle or threat.

Instead, she stands there, arms at her side, mouth flopping open and closed uselessly like a goldfish.

“You are no longer welcome in this house,” Mami's voice betrays no hesitation, no indecision. “Leave, now.”

She could stand and fight. Argue with her, try to make her see reason. Call her bluff – she knows if she doesn't draw a weapon, Mami won't fire either.

Instead she swallows, turns on her heel, and walks away.

The month passes by in a blur. Her preparations feel rote and listless, as if she can't get her head in the game.

Focus, dammit!

Madoka's still out there. She still needs to protect her.

She needs to-

She needs-

The world drowns in blood and fire, and Homura flees once more.

(X)

52^nd loop

“Tomoe-san?”

“Hm?” Roused from where she had been staring out over the city, Mami turned to face her. “What is it, Akemi-san?”

Homura hesitates for a moment, uncharacteristically nervous.

“Do you trust me?” Her words are soft, almost a whisper.

There's no immediate response as Mami continues to stare out across the city. Then she turns, and smiles at Homura, her face lit by the soft glow of moonlight.

“With my life.”

Despite the chill of the night, Homura can swear she feels warm.

(X)

55^th loop

She's been a magical girl for around twice as long as Mami has.

Yet somehow, no matter how hard she tries, she can't ever beat Mami in a straight fight.

('Straight fight” here being defined as a situation where Mami knows her powers before they come to blows. She already knows how Mami fights from the outset, and Homura still has some pride.)

She pulls herself to her feet, hangs her head, and tries not to huff.

She's upset that she lost, yes, but she doesn't want Mami to see that.

“That was a good match, Akemi-san.” Mami has already conjured a tea set from out of nowhere and is now settled down, a cup clutched in her hands.

Homura stifles a snort as she spots a second cup on the table, but then she rolls her shoulders and limps towards it as she feels her muscles groan in protest.

Magic will fix all but the worst of wounds, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt now.

A moment passes in silence, but Homura can tell Mami has something on her mind.

“What's the matter?”

“Oh, nothing much. It's just… when I fought you, it seemed...” Mami purses her lip. “The way you moved, it was as if you'd fought me before.”

Homura takes a sip. “… I have.”

Mami seems to sense something in Homura's countenance, because she breaks off the line of questioning and glances down.

But Homura knows Mami, knows how skilled she is at reading others in combat, and so Homura knows the words she murmurs to herself just under her breath; the question that had formed as she noticed Homura's movements against her.

Were those fights to the death?

(X)

62^nd loop

Homura supposes that if there's one advantage of repeating the same worthless month over and over and over, it's that she's become very efficient at killing witches.

Well, at least the specific witches that plague Mitakihara over the course of the several weeks.

There's some variation, but never that much, and at this point she's pretty sure she's fought all of them multiple times already.

She knows how they hunt, how they fight, how much punishment they can withstand before collapsing into themselves, crystallized magic in the form of a grief seed.

Sometimes she just goes for broke and brings out her biggest explosives just to get it over with faster.

It's why she's able to save magic energy that would have ordinarily been used in longer fights and slowly build up a stockpile of grief seeds.

She has more than enough, even in the case of an emergency,

It's why she doesn't need to use the one she's currently holding in between her fingers.

At least, that's what she tells herself.

She swallows hard, and presses it into her shield. A moment later, the grief seed vanishes, leaving behind no trace of the witch Candeloro in the world.

Reaching up, Homura brushes unruly bangs out of her eyes before turning and leaving the deserted street.

(X)

71^st loop

“Do you ever wonder if it was worth it? Becoming a magical girl, I mean?”

The two of them are settled on a park bench, whiling away the afternoon. (And unless something in this round deviated massively, there wasn't going to be a witch attack today, so they could afford to do this.) Or at least that was the excuse Homura had given to bring Mami here after school.

She keeps her eyes trained on Madoka in the distance, walking with Sayaka as they gesticulate towards the crepes they're eating, and each other.

She could have sworn she'd seen Kyubey skulking around Madoka earlier and she's been trying to keep an eye on her ever since.

“Hm,” Mami's voice is soft and Homura turns back to face her. “I… well, my wish was not well thought out, to say the least.

“But being granted these powers, it gave me the chance to protect this city. The people living here. I don't know if there's truly some way to measure all this, but… I would say it has been worth it.”

That's enough. No need to push further and poke at Mami's old wounds.

“What would you do if it was all pointless?”

Sometimes Homura feels her mouth runs off before her brain can tell it not to.

“… What do you mean?”

“What if it's not changing anything in the long run. Like, what if, I don't know, when we give the used-up grief seeds to Kyubey he secretly turns them into more witches?”

“Really, Akemi-san. I know you're hardly fond of Kyubey but there's no need to slander him like that.”

“It's just an example. The point is, what if it's not really helping?”

“In that case, I… I wouldn't know what else to do, I suppose.” Mami tilts her head to the side, her gaze distant. “It's not like I can just stop… in the long run, there's no other future for a magical girl, is there?”

Out of the corner of her vision, Homura sees Sayaka standing and gesturing for Madoka to follow her.

“Sometimes I do wonder. It's like all I'm good for is killing, at this point. But I can't… change that into saving the people I want to save. I just keep walking forward because – fuck, I don't know. Because there's nothing else.”

Mami doesn't respond. She doesn't have the words or the wisdom. But after a moment she rests her hand on Homura's shoulder, the touch a light comfort.

Homura accepts it and wonders when she'd started thinking of her mentor as young, so young, and fragile.

(X)

76^th loop

Fresh off another failure, Homura pulls herself up in bed, buries her head in her hands, and inhales deep lungfuls of air.

There's no blood.

There's no screaming.

There's no more pain of limbs lying broken and useless. There's no more weight on her chest of Madoka's body after she had thrown herself in the path of an attack aimed at Homura.

There's no-

Nothing.

Just a quiet, sterile, hospital room.

Another long moment, sucking in air.

Then she clambers to her feet.

Again.

There's no other option.

Again.

Until she succeeds, or dies trying.

(X)

77^th loop

“Just run away. Just, fucking, run.” Her voice comes out raw, ragged, and forced through a tightened throat as her shoulders heave and tremble.

“Akemi-san, I-”

“Just take Madoka. Go. Buy a, a plane ticket and fly away to, I don't fucking know. Just somewhere. For one week. Away from this, until it passes. Don't try to fight it. You won't – you can't-”

Arms wrap around her and Homura stiffens.

“Akemi-san, get a hold of yourself.”

Her body screams and demands to be freed. Homura ignores it, tries to sink into the hug. This isn't a witch or any such monster. This is Mami.

Her ally.

Her… friend.

“I don't want to see you die again,” she whispers.

Mami pulls away to look at her.

Homura sees the look in her eyes, and her heart shatters.

She knows what Mami will say before she says it.

“I'm sorry. I have to do whatever I can to protect this city. It's our… it's my home.” A deep breath. “If you want to, you can take Madoka with you when Walpurgisnacht arrives. I have a… an acquaintance in Kazamino city-”

Homura tunes her out. Mami will fight, like the great big suicidal, idealistic idiot she is.

And Homura is going to follow her into battle. Maybe watch her die again.

Because she's an idiot too.

(X)

86^th loop

Silence, almost.

There is only the ragged sound of breathing as Homura fights to draw air into her lungs. She's splayed out on a chunk of broken concrete, which is hardly the most comfortable position. But all her limbs are intact and she's not impaled on anything, so it's hardly the worst situation she's been in.

A minute crawls by.

Then another.

Finally, she finds the strength to sit up. Stares at the cloudless, clear bye sky.

Walpurgisnacht. Defeated.

And Madoka, lying unmoving on the cold earth.

“Homura!” A call from the distance. Or is it close by? There's a ringing in Homura's head that makes it hard to be sure of anything. “Are you there?”

She continues to stare at Madoka's body until she feels the touch of a hand on her shoulder.

She turns her head.

A flash of gold and brown.

Mami.

“Homura, are you all right? Can you stand?”

She still can't bring herself to respond. Not directly.

Slowly, mechanically, she raises her left arm, feels for the shield that she knows is still there.

“Madoka,” is all she says.

“Kaname-san?” Mami shifts her weight, glances up, and Homura feels the grip on her shoulder tighten.

The metal disc is in her hand now. Her fingers curl around the device.

“… Are you leaving?”

“I'm sorry.” She doesn't raise her gaze enough to look Mami in the eye.

“Akemi-sa-”

She doesn't know what Mami would have said. Maybe that's for the better.

The world dissolves, again.

(X)

93^rd loop

Madoka dies early this time.

Homura continues her witch hunting duties.

She meets up with Mami, and makes plans.

She fights and defeats Oktavia, alone, where no one else will see.

On the night before Walpurgisnacht is to arrive, she finds herself at the doorway of Tomoe Mami's house once more.

They've to go through their plan of attack one more time, after all.

Homura listens, offers suggestions, shares knowledge.

Mami never notices the drugged tea.

When at last she falls over in dreamless slumber, Homura picks her up, gently.

She makes her way downstairs, and continues walking, an unconscious Mami in tow.

It's the dead of the night and all the streets are empty. The occasional straggler is quickly bypassed with judicious use of her time magic.

Finally, as the sun begins to peek over the horizon, Homura reaches the safehouse she'd made and secured over the past month.

The mattress inside isn't particular luxurious, but it'll do. Homura deposits Mami on the bed. She stirs and frowns, but does not wake.

Homura still isn't sure how the mechanics of her time travel works.

Maybe she destroys the entire timeline as she moves backwards, tearing an entire world to shreds for her own selfish wishes.

Maybe she's simply fleeing, jumping from timeline to timeline, trying to escape a fate that has passed her by.

Maybe she's gone stark raving insane and is actually staring up at the ceiling of the hospital, the reality around her nothing more than feverish delusions conjured up by her mind.

Maybe.

But even so, if there's a no reason for it to happen-

I don't want Mami to die.

Casting one quick glance to ensure that the water and food she'd stockpiled earlier is still there, she leaves the safehouse.

In the distance, she can see flashes of lightning and fire. The rampage of Walpurgisnacht has begun again.

Kyubey is waiting for them in front of the door. He doesn't say anything as Homura emerges.

She shoots him anyway, just before turning back time.

She feels she deserves this much.

(X)

99^th loop

They'd done it.

Somehow, they'd done it.

Walpurgisnacht is gone. The nightmare is over.

And in her arms, battered and unconscious but very much alive-

Madoka.

How? She doesn't even know. But that's the truth of the matter, and she's alive, everything Homura wanted-

She sees Mami's body, crumpled in front of her. Her eyes wide, staring sightlessly into the sky.

No.

No, this isn't-

One shaking breath is drawn.

Then another.

You wanted to save Madoka.

You have what you wished for.

Mami is – was -

Wasn't that what I was willing to do? Sacrifice everything and anything else – as long as Madoka survives?

This isn't what I-

I didn't want-

Pale fingers dig into Madoka's shoulders.

Mami.

The world breaks apart.

(X)

100^th loop

Homura sits up in her hospital bed, presses hands to aching eyes, and screams.

Chapter End

Chapter Text

100^th Loop

She doesn't meet Mami or Madoka this time. She can't.

Not right away.

The world around her shifts and blurs as she stumbles through it.

Who – what am I fighting for?

She'd had her goal in her hand and then let it slip like sand through her fingers.

Protect Madoka. Protect Mami… too.

Both?

The pressure tightens around her chest, cold and unyielding.

Thread the needle, save both of them…

She sinks to her knees in broad daylight, which earns stares from the people in the vicinity. She ignores them.

She breathes deeply, drawing air deep into her lungs

She has to be stronger now. For the both of them.

She has to be.

But she isn't.

She raises her hands, stares at them. Her fingers tremble as she clenches them into fists.

(X)

They run into each other in Charlotte's labyrinth.

Homura purses her lips. Walpurginsacht aside, Charlotte has always been the most dangerous one – at least to Mami. It had claimed her life before, and more than once. Not very often, but-

What was she doing now? Trying to get rid of the witch before it had a chance to threaten Mami?

I'm being stupid.

She keeps her face impassive, trying to maintain control.

Behind the gunslinger, she sees Madoka, an uncertain look on her face.

“Aren't you the girl that shot Kyubey?”

Mami's eyes that had been wide in surprise now narrow in suspicion.

“I'd sensed the presence of another magical girl in the area over the past few days. I take it you're the one, Miss…?” The question hangs in the air.

She closes her eyes, lets out a breath.

“My name is Akemi Homura.”

“I see. Well then, Akemi-san. I have the matter well under control, so you don't-”

It's happened before.

It's all happened before.

Madoka, here.

Supporting Mami, agreeing to become a magical girl.

Agreeing to be Mami's companion.

The one thing that could take disrupt Mami's usual professional demeanour. The one thing that would make her careless and reckless.

Sometimes Mami survives anyway.

Sometimes, she doesn't.

“No.”

“No?” She doesn't miss the narrowing of Mami's eyes.

“That won't be necessary. I came here to kill a witch. It doesn't matter whether I do it alone or with a companion.” If nothing else, Homura has learned to school her face, keeping an impassive mask that betrays none of her inner turmoil. She flips her hair over her shoulder, as much because it'll let her look away from Mami as it will project the image she wants to.

Cold.

Ruthless.

“What about you?”

Mami purses her lips, but they both know they shouldn't waste time. The longer a labyrinth exists, the greater the danger of innocents being sucked into its barrier.

And, antagonism against Kyubey aside, Mami has no reason to oppose her.

“You can handle yourself in a fight?” That question is itself Mami's answer – she won't bar Homura's way any further.

“This isn't my first hunt.” Homura says by way of reply as she steps forward, brushing past the She's being cryptic and obtuse, and Mami's suspicions are being piqued.

Good.

The more she focuses on her, the less she'll think about having Madoka contract.

And if Mami is suspicious instead of exuberant, she'll take the fight seriously, continue being observant and clear-minded during the fight.

She almost stumbles.

I don't want Mami to die.

(X)

Homura keeps her aim steady as she shoots down wave after wave of Charlotte's familiars. From her vantage point she can see Mami charging ahead towards the witch. She can see Madoka and Sayaka, crouched together behind Mami's ribbon barrier, watching the battle unfold with wide eyes.

Eyes of wonder, not horror. There's an unreality to this for them, a new vast world whose dangers they don't yet know.

If only she could keep it that way.

She takes a hop forward, swapping her guns out as she sees Mami bat Charlotte aside, firing a blast into the witch's body.

Get closer. She needs to make sure Mami isn't caught off guard.

“Tiro Finale!”

Make sure that when the true form of the witch emerges, she'll be able to protect her.

The worm bursts forth from the doll-like body.

She sees Mami's shocked expression, the lack of a weapon in her hands-

And a black shadow falls over Homura.

“Eh?”

The reason she knew Mami was in danger is because she knows how easy it is for a single, momentary slip-up to become a fatal error.

Pouring too much energy into an attack without confirming it would finish the opponent, leaving you weak and tired against their counterattack.

Thinking you've already defeated an enemy and not paying it any more mind – as if witches played by the rules of human opponents.

And of course, looking away from your opponent, and towards your ally, because you had assumed she would be the target, not you.

A maw of razor-sharp teeth fills her vision.

Her muscles tense.

Her shield whirs and clicks.

The world flashes grey-

“Look out!”

Something collides against her, and Homura falls back to the ground. Distantly, Homura hears a wet tearing sound.

“Mami…?”

“Akemi-san!” she's staring down at Homura, her face shockingly close. “Are you all right?”

A quick mental check – everything seems intact and nothing seems hurts more than usual – and she nods.

“Good. We have to-” A firm nod, and Mami braces herself to stand again.

Instead, she flops to the ground and rolls over.

A long smear of red blood covers the ground.

“Ah?” Mami's voice is a confused murmur.

Homura follows her gaze.

Where her legs should be are two bloody stumps.

Her head snaps up.

The witch Charlotte, frozen mid-bite. In its teeth, blood from the wound still arcing mid-air, are Mami's severed legs.

“Guh!” Homura wrenches her arm away, and Mami fades into frozen time as well, shocked horror etched on her face.

Dammit.

Her fault. Mami had been injured because she screwed up.

If she hadn't tackled her… that could have been Homura's gut or neck sliced open instead.

Blood is still frozen as it gushes from the holes where her legs should be. Homura is… reasonably certain that she won't actually bleed to death as a magical girl. But she's not sure Mami knows that. And in any case, she's still wounded and helpless, with a very hostile and dangerous witch in the vicinity.

Well, at least that can be resolved.

Several grenades – more than is strictly necessary – tossed in the direction of Charlotte's wide open mouth later, Homura crouches down and lays a hand on Mami's shoulder.

She jerks, eyes rolling in panic as time resumes for her.

“Tomoe Mami,” Homura tries to keep her voice even, but firm. She needs Mami to focus for this. “Don't panic.”

“Ah – my legs, they – they-”

“You can heal them. I have more than enough grief seeds, magic energy will not be an issue. Do you understand? You will recover.”

Speaking like this seems to work. Mami's breathing slows, her eyes are no longer glassy-

“Just make sure not to drain too much magic energy at once. Don't tax your soul gem beyond what it can handle.”

She stands, turns back to face Charlotte and draws a gun just in case the explosives aren't enough. Her shield whirs-

“You can stop time?”

She shakes her head. “Is now really the time to discuss this?”

The world resumes to the sound of thunder and the smell of ash.

(X)

“I'll bring you back home.”

She'd done what she could. Mami's legs are wrapped up as tightly as she dares – Homura thanks the herself from days gone by who had decided to store bandages and antiseptics in her shield – and the bleeding has been arrested as far as she can tell.

Madoka and Sayaka had been staring at Mami's horrendous wounds, faces pale with shock. But at Homura's proclamation, Sayaka rouses herself enough to aim a glare at her.

“What? We barely know you!”

“Miki-san, it's okay.” Despite the obvious pain, Mami manages a smile for her juniors. “I trust Akemi-san.”

This is enough for Sayaka to relent, although with obvious ill grace.

“You trust me?” Homura dares to ask her even as she carefully picks her up – it's not the first time she's carried Mami.

Mami hums a single, contemplative note. “Should I not?”

Homura doesn't know how to respond to that, so she doesn't. Instead she turns back to face the other two.

They're more muted now – the knowledge that a split-second and a stroke of luck was the only reason there wasn't one or more dead girls left behind in the labyrinth had jolted them out of their saccharine view of what being a magical girl entailed.

But still.

“You've seen it for yourself now – this isn't fun and games. There's no reason for you to enter a contract.”

It never hurt to reinforce a point.

With that, Homura stops time and leaves.

Mami's weight in her arms is… almost familiar.

It's silent for the first leg of their journey, Mami taking the time to stare at the frozen world around them, seeing the landscape in a way new and unfamiliar to her.

“You've a question for me?” Homura finally asks. She's not entirely sure how this works, but she figures anything that could take Mami's mind off her missing legs is better than nothing.

“Right now? It's mostly about how you somehow know my home address.” Mami's voice is wry. “As well as my name.”

“… I'll tell you when we reach your apartment.”

(X)

“Kyubey, how long will it take for me to recover?” Mami asks as Homura busies herself with tucking her properly into the couch.

The bed might have been a slightly better place to rest, but all things considered, keeping her somewhere close where Homura could keep an eye on her was probably the better option overall. And it wasn't like she couldn't be moved to the bedroom when the situation called for it.

“With a steady supply of magic, I estimate it would take two to three weeks.” As always, Kyubey's expression is unchanged.

“And by 'steady supply' you mean several grief seeds' worth of energy.” Homura says without turning to face the incubator.

“I see.” Mami's face is calm. “But I won't be able to hunt any witches like this.”

“That doesn't matter. I told you, I have more than enough seeds.” A shake of her head and she moves to drape a blanket over Mami. “And I'll take care of any witches that pop up over the next couple of weeks. You just focus on resting up.”

Another brief silence, and then Mami chuckles once.

“You're a very caring person, aren't you, Akemi-san?”

Homura pauses, and the grip on her comforter tightens.

“And to think you tried to present yourself as cold and aloof earlier! 'I came here to kill a witch' indeed!” Mami's voice trails off and she glances down at her space where her legs should be. “You knew that witch was more dangerous than most, didn't you? Even during the fight, you were looking out for me.”

Homura spares a glance at Kyubey, who is now staring at her in turn. She's can't say for sure that letting it know about her mission will affect anything, and so she elects to say nothing as she stands and heads for the kitchen.

“I'll prepare some tea for you,” she says in lieu of a reply.

(X)

A day passes.

Then two.

The silence is almost tense. Mami hasn't pushed Homura about the knowledge she shouldn't have but does, perhaps sensing that the other girl needs space for now. She rests on the couch, in a doze that is not quite sleep.

That gives Homura time. Time to sit in front of the glass table, putter about with her weapons, and try to take stock.

It's not as if everything has changed, has it? In some ways, nothing has. Her goal is still the same. Almost. Stop Walpurgisnacht. Keep Madoka… and Mami alive.

If – when – that happens, there'll be time enough to sort out the turmoil in her heart.

She breathes out, a long, slow exhale to calm herself. Picks up the cloth to continue her work on her gun.

The door to Mami's apartment flies open and hits the wall with a resounding bang. A dark shape fills the doorway.

“Yo! Kyubey told me you got your ass kicked by a witch like some chump.”

“Sakura-san.” Mami has not opened her eyes. “I recall asking you not to be so rough with my doors.”

“I don't take orders from washed-up losers.” Her rough words aside, Kyouko swings the door shut with another thump – but distinctly less violently this time. Another other remarks she might have been formulating dies on her lips as she catches sight of Homura. “And who's this?”

“Akemi-san is… a fellow magical girl.” Mami chooses to keep her words neutral, and conciliatory. “She helped me against the latest witch.”

Homura doesn't need to look at Kyouko's face to figure out what she's thinking – her body language radiates suspicion.

Still, she is slightly surprised when she feels a surge of magic energy as Kyouko transforms.

“Sakura-san!”

“I didn't come all the way back here just to let some johnny-come-lately snatch my new hunting ground from under my nose.” She gestures with her spear. “Square up, gloomy girl. Just you and me.”

“I think it's very sweet of you, coming back to protect Tomoe-san's territory while she's currently incapacitated,” Homura replies without looking up from the gun she's cleaning. “But you needn't have worried. I'm not interested in claiming this city or any other.”

At this, she does look up, just in time to see Kyouko's face turn a lovely shade of puce. 'The hell are you – that's not – are you stupid?!'

Gentle laughter breaks the tension and they both turn to face Mami as she winces from jostling her own body – the pain must have flared up from that.

“You haven't changed a bit.” The hand that at had been at her mouth drops down to rest on the cushion. “I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing though.”

“Look who's talking.” Kyouko turns away with a dismissive snort – but her spear isn't levelled in Homura's direction any more. “And what's with this 'Sakura-san' stuff? I'm not good enough for 'Kyouko' any more?”

“Do you want me to address you that way?” But before Kyouko can respond Mami lets out a theatrical sigh. “But where are my manners? I can't say I was expecting you but I did recently bake a tin of those shortbread cookies I remember you loved. Would you care for some?”

Homura gets a front row seat to the moment all the fight is knocked out of Kyouko. Her magical girl transformation drops – and at the same time a loud rumble sounds from her stomach.

Kyouko's face turns even redder.

“I'll go get the tin then,” Homura says as tonelessly as she can manage as she stands.

“It's in the cupboard just next to the fridge,” Mami calls after her.

(X)

Kyouko leaves in relative peace, but not before telling Mami that she's claiming every grief seed she gets while the other magical girl is indisposed.

As day fades into night, Homura brings out dinner and lays it in front of Mami.

It's a poor substitute for Mami's own meals, she knows. But still, it's an effort. More of one than the cup noodles and canned drinks that she usually stuffs down her throat when left to her own devices.

Mami gives no indication that she thinks poorly of the food, eating quickly and quietly as Homura sits and has her own meal too.

It's a strange, unfamiliar feeling. Sitting beside Mami, focusing on the food in front of her, not worrying about winning her over, about the presence of witches, about the approach of Walpurgisnacht.

Had she experienced this before? Surely she must have. Some times during those endless repetitions.

Surely.

Even though her mouth is empty, Homura swallows. She places her bowl down on the table.

“Akemi-san?”

“… What is it?”

“Do you feel ready to tell me about yourself?”

The question is phrased non-committally, leaving it open for Homura to share as much as she is comfortable.

She closes her eyes, breathes out a long sigh.

“It's a long story.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” Another one of her wry smiles, and a wave of her hand to the blankets covering her thighs.

Homura almost smiles back in return.

“All right then.”

She sits back, turns her gaze upwards, and begins to talk.

(X)

There's apartment is quiet, aside from the ticking clock.

“… How many times?” Mami finally asks, breaking the silence. “How many times have you gone back?”

“Hell if I know.” Homura's chuckle is mirthless. “Not enough, apparently.”

“And you did all this… for Kaname-san?”

If Mami notices Homura stiffening, she gives no sign.

“It doesn't matter,” she replies, not quite answering Mami's question. “I'll keep going for as long as it takes. Until I find the way out. Until I won't...”

The throat feels dry.

Mami doesn't know, of course. She doesn't know that Homura had had a chance to break through the cycle – and had abandoned it.

For her.

She doesn't know what Mami would make of it. Homura herself can barely begin to wrap her head around it yet.

I don't want Mami to die.

For now, that is the truth.

For now, that is enough.

“I understand,” Mami breaks the silence. “You wanted my help against this Walpurgisnacht, did you not?”

Homura doesn't answer, which Mami takes as an answer on its own.

“I'm not sure I'll be fully recovered by the time it arrives-”

“Don't worry about it,” Homura says, a tad more quickly than it strictly necessary. “Just focus on resting, okay?”

She stands to gather the dishes, a convenient excuse to avoid further talking.

Outside, the shadows continue to deepen.

(X)

The next time Homura returns to the apartment, there's a grief seed lying on the coffee table.

Half used, she notes as she lifts it up to inspect it.

“Kyouko-san dropped it off just a while ago.” From the couch, Mami speaks without opening her eyes. “Told me the witch she killed was so weak it didn't cost her much magic at all. So I could have her sloppy leftovers.”

Homura doesn't rein in her snort as she places it back on the table.

“She never was a very good liar.”

A brief chuckle is shared by the two of them before Mami opens her eyes to peek at her.

“So you knew Kyouko-san too? … Before?”

A nod in acknowledgement.

Mami lets out a thoughtful hm.

“You know, I always wondered if she actually hated me. After… well, it was a messy situation. I'm not sure if you know the details.

“But when she showed up again after so long, when you mentioned that she had actually come back to protect the city for me, and the way she reacted to that.” A pause and a laugh. “That was still the Kyouko-san I knew.”

Another silence falls over the two of them.

“Do you want me to keep this grief seed?” Homura asks after a moment. “Neither of us need it right now, since we've barely made a dent in my stockpile.”

A nod. “Yes, I think I'd like that.”

(X)

Madoka and Sayaka visit Mami regularly. At first out of concern for her wellbeing, only to be mollified when they learn that Homura is now her acting caretaker as well.

“Thank you for looking after Mami-senpai, Homura-chan.” Madoka smiles at her.

Adorable. Beautiful, even.

It takes most of her self-control not to smile back.

Sayaka folds her arms and rolls her eyes,

They continue to show up even after they're sure she's safe and as comfortable as could be under the circumstances. Bringing sweets and snacks, and just spending time with her.

It's almost pleasant.

But worry settles through her gut, cold and stifling.

She wants to keep Madoka away from this world. Closeness to Mami increases the danger that Madoka will continue to poke deeper into the world of magical girls and witches.

And Sayaka…

“Miki-san isn't with you today?” she asks, keeping her voice casual as she pours tea into mugs before passing them to Mami and Madoka both.

“Ah, no.” A quick shake of her head. “She's visiting a friend in the hospital.”

Homura's grip on her mug tightens.

(X)

She's standing atop a building, looking down at a witch's labyrinth. It's barely formed, but still growing worryingly fast. She grasps her sword, draws it, and-

“What do you think you're doing?”

A yelp that would have sounded comical in any other circumstance, and Sayaka whirls, nearly unbalancing herself and falling clean off the rooftop.

A blink of halted time later and Homura is tugging on her arm, helping her steady herself.

Sayaka frowns and shrugs the helping hand away.

“I already told, this isn't fun and games.” Homura says, trying not to raise her voice. “Why did you make a contract?”

“Buzz off, okay? I have my own reasons, and you can keep yours.”

“Kyo-” Homura cuts herself off, shakes her head. “Fine. Whatever. That doesn't matter now. Even if you're a magical girl now, you're still a greenhorn. I'll handle the witch here so leave it to me and go-”

“Leave it to you? The heck I am!” Sayaka snaps. “The one time you got into a fight you needed Mami-san to save your butt! And she got crippled because of you!”

She takes a step back, never breaking her gaze from Homura.

“Get out of here. I'm not trusting you to watch my back.”

Homura eyes the saber in Sayaka's hand. Not raised, but held in a ready position.

How many times has this scene played itself over?

Different times, different witches, different places.

But the core stays the same.

Homura, unable to do anything but watch Sayaka plunge ahead to her own self-destruction.

Even if she were able to somehow disable her here and finish off the witch, Sayaka would continue. Chasing an impossible ideal until she cracked under the strain of her own beliefs.

Can I really not save anyone?

A single step back, and Homura drops her transformation.

“If you continue down this path, you'll only regret it.”

Neither of them say anything more. Sayaka turns and jumps down, deep into the heart of the labyrinth.

Homura simply watches.

(X)

“I guess I find some people easier to talk to than others.” Homura muses as she settles on a chair.

“What's this about, now?” Mami tilts her head. She's carrying on gamely, but Homura can tell that being forced to sit and do nothing for days on end is wearing on her.

“Did Miki-san tell you?”

“That she contracted, you mean?” A shake of her head. “Not directly. Madoka was the one who passed the news to me.”

A pause.

“I… told her not to.” Homura finally says. “But I couldn't get her to listen.”

“It's ultimately Miki-san's own choice to make. I'm sure they appreciate that you're worried for them, but if they made the decision in full knowledge of what it entails, then-”

“Did they?” Homura can't keep the venom from leaking into her voice. “Did we? Did any of us know that witches, and fighting, and… everything, would be like this?”

Did any of us even dream in our darkest nightmares that we would become the things we fought against?

She keeps that last thought in her head. The truth that burns, that Mami mustn't be allowed to know.

“… Do you regret becoming a magical girl, Akemi-san?”

Mami's voice is gentle. Probing, but also leaving it clear that she can not answer.

Homura sighs and sinks further back into her seat.

“It doesn't matter.” She finally says after a long moment. “Whatever else, no matter the pain I've gone through, no matter how much I've suffered-”

Her voice catches in her throat for a moment.

“It gave me the chance to save others. To save Madoka.”

To save you.

“I won't turn back on my own decision.” She says, and her voice is soft.

(X)

It's two days later that Madoka shows up at Mami's house and asks if she could speak to Homura privately.

She wonders if she should find it odd that Madoka knew to come here, to where Mami resides.

Once they're outside the apartment and Homura closes the door with a soft 'click', Madoka lets outs a long sigh, and her shoulders droop.

“I'm worried about Sayaka-chan,” she confesses.

“She's not missing, is she?” Homura asks, wondering a half-second too late if she'd tipped her hand and revealed more than she should.

But Madoka shakes her head. “No, she still shows up to school. But ever since she made a contract, she's gotten… distant? Like she's distracted or unable to concentrate.”

Again.

It's happening again.

“I know you warned against contracting but...” Madoka draws in a deep sigh. “Maybe if I were there, fighting alongside her, I'd be better able to support her, you know?”

“Don't become a magical girl for someone else's sake. You'll only suffer for it.” Homura replies. The hypocrisy slides down her throat like smooth butter.

Or perhaps it's bile.

But Madoka sighs, seeming to shrink into herself as she nods.

“I'll keep an eye out for her the next time I go out on patrol,” Homura offers. It's the most she can do.

Will it be enough?

“… Thanks.”

“Why do you look so glum?” Homura isn't quite sure what she's saying. “Are you looking for an excuse to become a magical girl?”

“No! It's not that.”

She shakes her head.

“I just – Mami-senpai's hurt. And now Sayaka-chan's struggling. I just… I want to be helpful for them.”

Oh she is not qualified for this. How long has it been since she's had to give advice to someone?

About something other than killing witches, she means.

“And you can be.” She wonders how Mami does it, seeming so cool and mature when secretly she's gnawed at by loneliness and doubt. Even by her own reckoning, her own attempts leave her looking more stone-faced and stoic than anything else. “You don't need to contribute by throwing yourself into the fray. Sometimes, being someone's support is good enough.”

She can tell Madoka isn't convinced, and Homura worries about leaving it at that.

“Look, take me. I know I'm a magical girl but – I'm not helping Tomoe-san by doing any fighting. Right now, what she needs is someone to be there with her as she recovers. Taking care of her daily needs, and being with her so she won't get lost in her own thoughts. Just, small stuff. Like bringing her blankets. Making her tea and cooking her meals. Making sure she's resting well. That sort of thing.”

The words seem to work, enough so that Madoka chuckles slightly.

The sight and sound almost brings a smile to Homura's own face.

“You really care about Mami-senpai, don't you, Homura-chan?”

“Eh?”

The words catch Homura by surprise – and Madoka's smile widens.

“I mean, it's just the way you dote on her. I thought you two didn't really know each other beforehand, but now whenever I visit you're always close to her, chatting with her and spending time with her.”

Dote?

I'm glad,” Madoka says and gives a firm nod. “I'd originally wanted to be there for Mami-senpai, but it's reassuring that someone else is anyway.”

Homura raises a hand, rubs at her chin.

“I'll let Sayaka know that you're worried about her if I see her,” she says instead.

Another small laugh, like a tinkling bell.

“Thanks, Homura-chan!”

(X)

Oktavia's dying screams still ring in her ears as the labyrinth collapses around her.

In moments, she's back in an empty train station.

Homura draws in a deep breath of air.

Holds it.

Lets it out again.

Nothing changes.

I still can't… save anyone.

Her hand clenches into a fist.

It doesn't matter any more.

Did it ever?

(X)

The apartment is quiet when she pushes open the door and steps inside.

Still, she knows Mami is awake.

Moonlight spills in through the windows, throwing silver light and shadow through the place.

Quietly, she walks over, settles herself down on a chair next to the couch. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her.

Mami, quiet, her face eerily devoid of expression.

“Did you find Miki-san? Is she all right?”

Homura swallows.

She didn't need to have come back tonight. She could have stayed out tonight or went back to her own apartment. (Not a home, never a home.)

Hell, she could have turned back time and left, again.

And yet, here she is.

“… Akemi-san? Did something… happen?”

The conversation has played out so many times already.

It never ends well.

Never.

What am I doing?

A sound like the scampering of paws.

“Miki Sayaka's fate-”

A gun is in her hand and Kyubey's body collapses with bullet holes perforating it almost before she's aware of pulling the trigger.

“You are already aware that action yields no desirable results. Why persist?” Another Kyubey questions as it hops down from behind the desk.

“Kyubey, do you know what happened?” Mami's eyes are trained on him now.

“I do. However, I am uncertain if I should reveal it here.”

“What?” A frown crosses her features. “Why?

“Because Akemi Homura clearly knows what I am about to say, and just as clearly does not want me to say it.”

Mami's head snaps around to stare at Homura.

Homura finds she can't move.

“Akemi-san. What happened.”

Pain and anger bleeds through her voice now.

Neither of them notice when Kyubey vanishes.

She can still run.

She could make an excuse, try to throw Mami off the trail. Just for a while longer.

She won't.

The shadows cast by the moon seem to deepen and darken.

She hangs her head, and sighs.

“Do you know what a soul gem really is?”

(X)

Mami doesn't say anything all throughout Homura's explanation of magical girls, and what witches really are.

She doesn't need to. The expression on her face says it all.

When Homura finally finishes, there's no response for a long moment.

And then Mami heaves forward and retches. Vomit spatters over the couch and her clothes.

“Tomoe-san!” Homura's on her feet, reaching for the light switch so she can clean-

A golden ribbon latches around her wrist, and she's yanked back to face Mami.

“You knew?” Even in the darkness, the fury that blazes in her eyes are unmistakeable. “The whole time, you knew that we would become witches?”

Homura draws in a deep breath.

“Yes, I did.”

“And you didn't say anything?”

“Because it always ends like this!” Homura snaps as her own anger (desperation?) surges. “Kyouko's gone and I don't even know if she survived the fight! Madoka's at home crying her eyes out, and now you've had your entire world torn inside out!”

“So as long as you can find enough people to throw at Walpurgisnacht, it's fine? I've killed dozens of witches, Akemi-san! Hundreds! They were all girls! Like you or me! And you thought it was okay as long as I never found out?”

“Yes, it was!” her voice is a hiss. “I never wanted you to know!”

The ribbon around her wrist tightens, enough that it starts to hurt.

“How dare you-”

“Because you knowing means you're that much more likely to die! You smash your own soul gem, or you throw yourself like a berserker into the next fight, or you just become catatonic. Or you try to kill us! Do you know h-how many times I've seen you just break?”

Fragile. Like glass.

Tomoe Mami.

And Akemi Homura.

She blinks as her vision blurs, and she feels wetness down her cheeks.

“Do you know how many times I've seen you die?”

Homura sinks to her knees.

A long moment of silence.

“I – what's the point then?” Mami's voice is soft. “If this is the case, we kill witches – other girls – for what? Until the day we succumb too?”

“It doesn't matter.” Her own voice seems to come from far away. As if her body is speaking without her being a proper participant in it.

“What?”

“I told you before… didn't I? Becoming a magical girl gave me power. The power to try again. To protect the ones I care about.”

Homura draws in a deep breath.

“No matter how many times it takes. No matter how long I have to do this, I will. For as long as I need to, I'll challenge against my fate until I find the way out.”

“And if your soul gem blackens before that?” Mami's eyes are dull and she's no longer looking at Homura.

“If it comes to that, I'll smash the damned thing myself before I turn into a witch.” Homura spits. “But until that day, I'll continue to fight against this despair.

“That's what matters. As long as I have something to cling to, it's fine. I can keep going as long as I have that.”

Another silence, thick and choking.

But Homura feels the ribbon on her wrist fading away.

So she sighs and stands.

“Come on,” she says. “First things first. Let's get you cleaned up, Tomoe-san.”

(X)

Words are cheap.

Actions are harder.

The last few days until Walpurgisnacht's arrival feel like moving through molasses.

Mami doesn't speak much any more.

That, in itself, isn't unusual, Homura supposes.

At least she hasn't tried to break her soul gem.

But her healing seems to have been arrested. Previously her recovery had been slow but steady – and Homura briefly wonders about the anatomical nature of magical girl bodies that allow for limbs to be regrown.

Now she just lies there, existing.

It doesn't matter, she tells herself.

She'll fight. Alone, if she has to.

The night before Walpurgisnacht's arrival, she sits in Mami's apartment once more.

Mami is sleeping. A fitful, restless sleep.

She stands, takes a deep breath.

From her shield she withdraws a small bag.

“Make sure that gets to Mami, you hear?” Kyouko says without looking her way. “I worked hard for those.”

“This is quite the number,” Homura says by way of reply as she opens the bag and peers inside. “You've been busy, I take it.”

“What can I say? The streets have been lousy with witches the past couple weeks. Goes to show you how hard Mami worked at keeping the place clean.”

“You don't want to give this her yourself?” Homura says as she tucks the bag away. “I'm sure she'd appreciate the visit.”

“Nah, we'd just end up yelling at each other anyway.” A lazy wave of her hand. “Later.”

Leaving the bag on the table, she leaves the apartment, one more time, to face destiny again.

(X)

Laughter rings out over the ruined landscape.

On her knees, Homura gasps for breath.

“I assume this qualifies as a failure state for you, Akemi Homura.”

She twists her neck, grits her teeth as Kyubey perches itself on a rock nearby.

“What do you want?”

“Do you intend to flee again?”

“What do you care?” she snaps, partly to avoid letting the rodent know that he's correct.

She's almost tempted to flee.

Almost…

Mami rests in her home now.

Madoka is… somewhere.

Still alive.

They're both still alive.

Tethering her to this timeline.

She grits her teeth, seizes her gun.

Struggles to stand.

“It is to my people's benefit should you retreat through time once more. It will allow us to harvest all the more energy from Kaname Madoka. That is why I bear an interest.”

Homura freezes. Turns to face Kyubey.

“What?”

And so, amidst hellfire and lightning, amidst Walpurgisnacht's storm, Homura stands and listens as Kyubey tells her that every time she reverses the clock, Madoka's power as a magical girl grows.

Power that would create an even more powerful witch in turn.

Power that the incubators would stop at nothing to claim.

“So, yes. Feel free to turn back time again. And again. And again. Continue to ripen the fruit that is Kaname Madoka, so that it will better serve us when the time comes to pluck it.”

It's only after she feels pain shooting through knees, hears the clatter of her weapon against the ground, that Homura realizes that she's lost all strength in her limbs,

How many times had she turned back time?

How many times had she focused simply on getting past this one obstacle?

That meant – even if Walpurgisnacht were somehow defeated, nothing would change. The incubators would continue to hound Madoka – until she made a contract.

And escaping then would only make them more insistent.

Madoka would never find a moment's rest.

She would never be safe from the incubators, ever.

Because of her.

Because of her wish.

A jolt through her body, from the base of her spine all the way through her neck. A fire bursts in her belly and it's as if lightning is searing her limbs. Homura opens her mouth to scream – no sound emerges.

She knows without looking – her soul gem is dark now. Almost inky black.

A shadow covers her.

The sound of laugher that fades into crying.

Maybe it'll be better this way. Let Walpurgisnacht erase her – a useless failure who had just made everything worse, before she herself became a witch in turn.

I couldn't save anyone.

The sound of an explosion.

Then, another.

Despite the pain wracking her body, Homura raises her head.

“Akemi-san!”

“Tomoe-san?” She croaks out.

There she stands, body whole once more, weapon at the ready. She takes a quick glance at Homura before raising her arms.

Wave after wave of Mami's muskets appear, raining down a barrage of fire on Walpurgisnacht. The familiars surrounding it are blasted apart – and even the great witch herself is forced back by the sheer amount of firepower thrown at it.

“Stand up!” Mami says as soon as she gets a moment's respite. “Didn't you tell me you were going to fight against this despair?”

“But-” Homura gasps as the pain in her chest intensifies. “But I-”

It doesn't matter.

Not any more.

Perhaps she sees something in Homura's expression, because Mami bites her lip.

“Akemi-san-”

She breaks off. A ribbon whirls, forms a barrier that blocks a blast of fire. But the wind picks up, and Mami is sent falling backwards.

Something in Homura compels her to stand, and she moves to catch Mami just before she crashes onto the ground.

For a moment, the two of them lie splayed on the broken concrete, gasping for breath.

“I… couldn't save anyone.” Homura finally says. “No matter how much I try, I can't – there's never...”

“But you kept trying.” Mami says even as she pulls herself into a crouch. “You still are.”

“Don't – stay down.” Homura tugs at her hand. “Don't throw away your life.”

Not again.

“… Will you give up then?” Amidst the roar of fire, amidst the laughter from above them, Mami looks her in the eye, asks the question Homura cannot answer.

She squeezes her eyes shut.

“I...”

“No. You mustn't give up, and mustn't lose hope.”

Homura sees Madoka standing there, and her heart hammers harder.

“Madoka, why are you...”

“Are you prepared, Kaname Madoka?” Kyubey is there once more. “Will you enter a contract with me?”

“I am. I know what to wish for now.”

“No! STOP!” Throat sore, voice hoarse, Homura reaches out, but Madoka is too far away.

Perhaps she had always been.

“I want all the witches, across the past, present, and future, across all realities and possibilities – I want them to be unable to exist.”

The world breaks apart – and is remade.

(X)

“I never realized just how hard you worked for me until now. Thanks, Homura-chan.”

They're in – Homura isn't quite sure where they are. A void, sort of. Pure whiteness.

Madoka – and yet not Madoka – is walking besides her.

Her eyes glow with an inhuman brightness, but her smile is the smile Homura knows – bright, warm, and open.

“So what if I did?” She finally asks. “It doesn't matter. It never amounted to anything in the end.”

I was never able to save anyone.

“Mm,” Madoka hums, a single note, an impossibly beautiful sound. “But I want to say thank you anyway. That you were willing to do so much for me.”

Homura remains silent. She can't find much else to say.

“The road ahead for you will still be a tough one. But this time, I'll make sure that there's a light waiting at the end of it.” She stops and turns to face Homura, a serene expression on her face. “I won't let any magical girl succumb to despair. Not anymore.”

The promise is a great one. But cold, too. They both know that Kaname Madoka will no longer exist in the world as a person.

“And I'm glad.” And suddenly Madoka is smiling again.

“What?”

“I told you the path you'll walk will be difficult. But I'm glad that this time, you won't be alone.”

And suddenly Homura remembers.

“Mami-”

“She's fine. I'm speaking to her right now too.” Madoka giggles. “One of the perks of godhood, you know?”

Then she calms down again, with that same serene expression that seemed to see far beyond what Homura could.

“Take care of each other, okay?”

“I will,” she promises, almost automatically. Then, “Madoka. Will I… see you again?”

One more smile, this time, even more impossibly radiant than before.

“We will. I promise.”

(X)

When the light fades and vision returns, Homura finds herself standing in front of a familiar door.

The night air is cool.

Homura takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

A rectangle of warm light cuts through the gloom and she enters the apartment.

Mami is seated at the glass table, looking down at her hand.

Clutched in it is a single red ribbon.

She lifts her head to regard Homura.

Her smile is tearful.

“Welcome back, Akemi-san.”

She takes a quick glance out the window, at the quiet city beyond.

She nods.

“I'm home, Tomoe-san.”

And she is.

Story End