Archive of Our Own ^beta

It splattered against the floor of the Tower, staining the stone a deep red that stood stark against Verena’s robes where it had struck her. Red smeared against the brilliant silver of the Templars’ armor as they lay motionless on the floor a few feet away. Greagoir was shouting something while Irving struggled to get to his feet, blood flecking both their faces. But the blood soaked Jowan the most, dark purple blotches against his blue apprentice robes while it still dripped from the gaping wound on his right hand.

“They’ll extinguish my humanity. I’ll just be a husk, breathing and existing, but not truly living.”

Time around them seemed to stand still.

Jowan took a step away and Gregoir was still shouting from where he too struggled to get to his feet. Her heart seized in that moment and she opened her mouth to call out to him. But before she could utter a sound, he whirled around to face her, eyes wide and frantic.

“Why would they do this to you??”

“There’s…a rumor about me. People think I’m a blood mage.”

It was in the next moment that his hand suddenly gripped hers and the next thing she knew he was dragging her away, away from the basement where his phylactery still lay shattered on the ground, away from Greagoir and Irving still too injured to pursue them and Lily who had rejected him, away from the tower she still called her home.

“You can come talk to me anytime if you want.”

Panic bubbled up inside of her when she saw the two templars still stationed at the door. “Jowan--!” her voice rose in alarm as they saw the blood coating them both and immediately unsheathed their swords in response. She vaguely recognized the sound of her own screaming when Jowan let go of her hand just long enough to squeeze the wound across his palm, to let the blood flow and come to life around him once more before it enveloped the men blocking their way. The swords fell to the ground with a sharp clang and Verena watched in horror as they convulsed violently before finally dropping to the ground like puppets with clipped strings. She could feel the bile rise in her throat as one of the helmets rolled across the stone and she could see the templar’s face, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and Verena sent a silent prayer to the Maker that he was most likely still at his post one floor above them.

“I…I-I might take you up on that sometime then. I mean, if you really…if you’re serious. You’re not just teasing me, are you?”

“I am! I mean no, wait! I mean—I look forward to it—I, I—!”

The smell of blood was so thick in the air she was sure she was going to be sick. Jowan’s hand grasping hers again was warm, his grip tight as if she was the only lifeline he had, but it was wet, slick with fresh blood. His blood. The same blood he had just used to knock out the templars who had been in their way. Or had he actually killed them? She didn’t want to know.

The rest of their flight was a blur; she didn’t even remember how they got across the lake, only that they were soon running on foot once more. The thing was that Verena knew that she could break free at any moment. Jowan’s grip on her was tight but she knew that one solid pull could easily separate the two of them and she would be free to stay, free to accept whatever punishment she deserved for her crimes, free to go back home. She knew this, she knew this, and yet…

All she could remember were those times when he stayed in bed with her all night when they were children and he would soothe her to sleep while she sobbed for her mother.

Or those lazy afternoons when they’d climb up the bookcases to hide from the templars and senior enchanters, eating snacks they’d saved from lunch and just talking the hours away.

She remembered the look on his face when he’d finally found her after she’d run away when Finn had accidentally singed one of her braids off. He’d collapsed onto his butt in front of her, gasping for breath, before finally scooting to sit next to her so he could wait for her to talk first.

Running, running, they continued to run and she still couldn’t get the smell of blood out of her nose and the next breath she took suddenly had her heaving. But there was no time to rest, no time to stop; storm clouds were already rolling in and she could hear thunder in the distance so she had no choice but to swallow everything back before it had a chance to come up. Verena didn’t know how long they ran, only that the sun soon began its descent behind the clouds with the rain right on its heels, soaking them both to the bone. She cried out as her boot sunk deep into the soft mud and almost sent her sprawling. But Jowan was there, quick to catch her and help her back to her feet so he could pull her further ahead. It wasn’t long before he stopped again, however, and gave her hand a squeeze. “It looks abandoned,” he spoke over the rain and Verena was quick to snap her head up to see what he was talking about.

It was a small shack, almost falling apart. Though her eyes widened in surprise, she didn’t say anything as they ducked through the empty doorframe so she could wring her hair out while Jowan placed both their staves against the wall. The inside was bare except for a broken table, a stool, and a tiny bed tucked into the corner. The creaky bedframe groaned under their combined weight as they sat down on the thin musty mattress but a heavy silence soon settled between them. Slowly and with deliberate care, Verena tugged at Jowan’s blood-soaked hand until it rested in her lap and she gently turned it over between both of her own. The gash was long and ugly but the blood flow was already slowing and rain had washed away the rest. Wordless still, her fingers twitched and traced lightly along the wound. A soft glow lit the room for a few moments and both mages watched as Jowan’s skin knitted back together and all that was left was a faint scar. A reminder.

“Really, Jowan, again?”

“I swear it was an accident! I was looking at my book to make sure I had the measurements all right and all of a sudden my hand was sliced instead of the Elfroot! It’s not like it was on purpose.”

“Why didn’t you ask Senior Enchanter Wynne to heal it for you then?”

“…Because I didn’t want a lecture on how careless I was, that’s why.”

“Ha ha. Give me your hand then.”

“…How long?” she finally asked, her voice quiet and hoarse.

He looked at her, eyebrows furrowing a bit. “Wh—”

“Blood magic!!” her voice suddenly rose to a shout and she squeezed his hand tightly, fingers still slick with his blood as they dug into his scar. Jowan flinched beside her but didn’t say anything as she continued. “Blood magic is…i-it’s evil, Jowan, it summons demons, it hurts people, it…” she shuddered, the bile rising to her throat again as she remembered the templars he likely killed. Their lifeless bodies lying on the cold stone of the tower. Irving’s face as he looked at her, eyes filled with disappointment. Greagoir’s shouts still rang in her ears. “I trusted you Jowan, when…” she swallowed. “When Irving told me what they were going to do to you, I resolved then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to help you escape. I-I was…I was NOT going to let you be made Tranquil for something you weren’t guilty of!” her chest began to heave with suppressed sobs and her hands shook but her eyes remained dry. “You’re…family, Jowan, you’re my best friend, I know you better than anyone! I—Lily and I believed you were innocent—”

“I’m going to give it up, Vera!” Jowan turned to face her completely, blue eyes pleading as he searched her face. “Please, I’m sorry, it was only for a few months and I know I messed up, that I shouldn’t have listened, I only wanted to—”

“Listened?” Verena interrupted him, eyebrows furrowing. “Listened to who??”

Jowan opened his mouth to reply but shut it again after a moment and shook his head. “That doesn’t matter, I just…I was reading that—I mean, blood magic isn’t inherently evil, it’s just another form of magic and it’s—it’s just that rhetoric is what the Chantry uses to keep us contained! I was never really good at any other magic, Vera, and I thought…” he trailed off, shrugging helplessly.

Her mouth hung open a bit, too shocked to speak for a few moments. “What…are you talking about? You’re one of the best fire mages I know—”

He immediately scoffed at that. “That’s hardly true. And you mastered the basic fire spells in just days.”

“Yes, but you’re GOOD at it, Jowan!” she protested, squeezing his hands again and locking his gaze with hers. “The basic spells are all I can do; you studied hard and kept going!” And I can’t use entropy magic to save my life—”

“Only because you think it’s gross,” he argued back but she shook her head.

“I don’t like it but yours is…different.” She paused at that, lowering her eyes to their hands once more. Entropy magic always made her feel cold, sick, and clammy. It was a magic that slithered around her ankles, wound up her legs and arms and seeped into every nook and cranny. “It’s warm, relaxing, almost soothing, even. It’s…” she trailed off again and this time, Jowan did not respond. “I like your magic, Jowan,” she whispered, so soft it was almost swallowed up by the rumble of thunder outside.

A long silence stretched between them after that with neither of them looking at the other and instead focusing on their hands still tightly grasping each other’s. It was finally Jowan who spoke. “They still wouldn’t have let me taken my Harrowing. I’ve been at the Circle longer than you have and you passed me a long time ago and—”

But Verena’ eyes widened and all at once she flew to her feet. “Are—Are you saying th-that I’M the reason you turned to blood magic?!” she shrieked, looking stricken and horrified with both him and herself. She brought her hands up to her face, her entire body shaking, and shook her head slowly from side to side. “No…nonono, that can’t…Jowan, you…couldn’t…”

Jowan sprang up almost as soon as she did, his bloody hands outstretched towards her. Though the wound had been healed, the drying blood still marred both of them as a grim reminder. “Vera! Vera, Maker no, that’s not—”

“Then what?!” she shouted, her voice thin, high, and ready to break. “You wanted to be more powerful? Why?? To be better than me? You know…You know better than anyone how much I practiced, how much I studied; you were my always my practice partner!” She heaved for breath, her body quaking, and she raised her arms to push the heels of her hands into her eyes. “By myself I’m only good for healing, anything else, I’m…I’m only good because you were there to help me…” with those words, her voice finally broke and she quickly covered her mouth to choke back a sob. “Jowan…”

He slowly stepped forward, step by hesitant step. Gently, he took her hands in his once more and pulled them from her face so she could look at him. “Vera, I’m…sorry. I’m sorry for dragging you into this, for lying to you, for lying to-to Lily too, for…” even in the dim light, she could see his jaw clench. “I’m sorry for taking you from the Circle against your will. But I couldn’t—I can’t let you pay for my mistakes too, I can’t—”

“B-But Jowan…” Verena’s voice was soft and she began to shake again, almost violently this time, as she came to a horrible realization. He might have been free but she still was not. She probably never would be. “Jowan, they still have my phylactery. They can track me down, they—” her voice began to rise rapidly again, almost hysterically, and tears began to stream down her cheeks in earnest. “I’m still trapped, they can find me, we’re both apostates and you’re a blood mage, they’ll kill you on the spot, they’ll kill us both, they’ll—”

“They’ll take everything that I am from me—my hopes, dreams, fears…”

“Vera!” All at once, she found her senses smothered as he yanked her into his arms and simply held her tight. “I’ve made too many mistakes already and I’m not about to make another one. We’re staying together, okay? I’m not going to abandon you.”

Verena simply shook her head again, her sobs muffled against his chest. “But Jowan, they…”

“Anders told me that they take your phylacteries to Denerim when preparing for your Harrowing,” he replied, squeezing her tight and pressing his lips to the top of her head. “They won’t be able to look for us or even send out a messenger for your phylactery until this storm stops. They won’t know where we are for a while.” He paused at that and waited patiently for her shaking to subside. It wasn’t until her sobs subsided to the occasional hiccup that he finally spoke again, quiet but full of emotion. “We’ll make this work, I promise.” He pulled away so he could look at her face, finding it red, puffy, and streaked with tears. “You’re my family, Vera, the only family I have. I promise I can make this work, that we’ll be okay.”

Her lips trembled as she struggled to speak. “We won’t…it won’t last though, not as long as they…” she swallowed and tried to take a step back from him. “They’ll come after me eventually—”

“Then we’ll meet them head on,” he declared, reaching out to cup her face in his hands. She froze in place at his touch, green eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. “Vera, I don’t think you realize that you have so much more power than you give yourself credit for. You could take your phylactery back from the templars if you wanted to. But…” he paused when she began to shake her head again. “I know you don’t like to fight so…you’re not going to be alone. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”

A long silence followed his statement before she finally let out a small breath of air. “That’s my line,” she murmured as the pressure squeezing her chest finally loosened, her lips curving into the barest hint of a smile.

Jowan let out a soft, breathy laugh as his hands slid down to rest on her shoulders. “You’ve been saving my skin since we were kids. Now it’s my turn, okay?”

Her next giggle was still weak but much more genuine. “Since when did you know how to be so dashing?” she asked, hiding her smile behind her hand.

He raised an eyebrow, looking mock-offended. “Excuse you, I take offense to that.” But the expression melted away to a tiny strained smile once more. “Let’s get some sleep, okay? We’ll have to get up early to figure out where we’re gonna go.”

“”But we don’t have a…” she trailed off, eyebrows furrowing suddenly as she looked at him almost accusingly.

He smirked this time in response, pulling back to pat his chest. “I ripped all the pages from one of the books in the library last night.”

“Jowan!”

“They won’t miss them!” he protested as she smacked his arm. “C’mon.” He reached out to tug her back to the worn out bed.

She climbed in and curled up wordlessly before twisting her body around to face him. “What about you?”

His smile tightened again for a moment but he gestured to the stool that sat halfway across the room. “I’ll grab that and sleep right here, you take the bed.”

But when he tried to draw away, Verena reached out to grab the sleeve of his robes. “Jowan…please? You said yourself that they won’t be able to get to us for a while,” she pleaded quietly, feeling foolish. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, five years old and still crying for the parents who had abandoned her while he held her tight and rubbed her back. They weren’t children anymore, but…she just didn’t want to be alone. To feel alone.

He paused for a moment, looking torn, before finally relenting. “Okay,” he murmured, wincing a bit when the mattress screeched under his weight. Verena wasted no time in scooting over as best as she could to give him some room to lie down, but as soon as he settled she slipped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest, shivering a little from the cold.

Blood. She could still smell the blood. It seeped from him and hung over the two like a cloud, filling her nostrils down into the bottom of her lungs and with every breath she took she could almost taste the bitter copper on her tongue. She couldn’t help but wonder if he always smelled like that, if it changed when he began to practice in secret and she just never noticed. But she wrapped her arms tighter around him, her fingers digging into the fabric of his robes. Neither of them spoke for a while after that even as Jowan returned the gesture and rested his chin on the top of her head. Finally, Verena took another deep breath. “I’m sorry about Lily,” she whispered. “I knew…I know you two tried to keep it a secret but I saw the glances you two would sneak to each other, especially after you had told me you met someone. I…know I was kind of mean to her at first but that was because I thought…she was taking my family away from me.” She chuckled a little wryly at herself before closing her eyes and giving him a small squeeze. “But I…wanted you two to be happy. I really did.”

Jowan didn’t say anything for a while but she could feel his body tense in her arms. “I did too,” he said at last before silence reigned once more. However, she opened her eyes again when his chest suddenly rose with a sharp intake of breath. “Vera…would you want to go back?”

She let out a small noise of surprise at that, her heartbeat suddenly screeching to a standstill. “Wh-What?”

“You could probably…” he trailed off, swallowing a bit. “I mean, if you knew you—to them it looks like I kidnapped you, you know. You’ve been Harrowed, they can’t make you Tranquil, and you’re one of the best apprentices in the Circle. You could easily claim that I forced you or threatened y—”

“No.”

Though Verena’s voice was still soft, the ferocity of her reply almost made Jowan flinch and he tensed up once more. Her fingers dug into the back of his robes again and she finally lifted her face to look at him with red, puffy eyes. “I’m staying. With you. Like you said, we’ll figure something out, right?”

He frowned. “But the Circle is your home, isn’t—”

“Our home,” she corrected him, her voice quavering a little. “My home…was with you, with Anders, with Karl, with Neria…they’re all gone now. My home is…here now.” Her voice hitched and she squeezed him. “Wherever we are.”

Jowan didn’t respond right away but she could see guilt flood his face for a split second before he nodded. “Okay,” he murmured, reaching up to gently push her face back against his chest. She felt him take another deep breath before he spoke again. “We’ll have to figure out what to do about our clothes tomorrow but…let’s get some sleep now, while we still can.”

She nodded against him, eyelids already growing heavy. “Goodnight, Jowan…”

He shifted a bit against her and she heard him swallow again. “Goodnight…and Vera?”

“Mm?”

His voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

Hers was too. “…I know.”

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YEAH SO LIKE I SAID THIS IS MY FIRST TIME LEGIT WRITING FANFIC IN YEARS SO CONSTRUCTIVE CRIT IS MUCH APPRECIATED;;;;;