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A part of you knew that Hyunjin wouldn’t let you walk away that easily.
When you felt his arms wrap around you from behind, pulling your body to a stop, your resolve nearly crumbled.
Hyunjin’s body shook as it pressed against yours, his tears falling against the skin of your neck. He cried as he held you in the middle of the street, soft pleas falling softly from his lips like a whispered prayer. His arms tightened around your frame as if he were afraid you would completely disappear if he let go.
“Y/n,” his voice shook slightly as he whispered your name, the brush of his breath against your skin sending shivers down your spine.
Don’t do it.
Do not turn around.
“Please tell me what happened. Why–why do you think you aren’t good enough for me?”
You couldn’t bring yourself to respond.
What difference would it make in the end? You had always known hadn’t you?
The guys’ harsh words had only confirmed what you had always known—what you had always feared.
“You’re more than enough. God you’re so perfect I don’t even deserve you,” he whimpered, nuzzling his face further into your neck.
Your breath shook as you inhaled, blinking as you tried your best to keep your tears at bay but failed miserably.
“Please don’t walk away. I-I need you please don’t leave me, just talk to me.”
The tears you tried to hold back fell at the pain laced within his words, mirroring that of which you felt in your heart.
“I want to believe you, Hyunjin. I want to believe you but right now I just can’t—,” your words were cut off with a broken sob.
You loved him, you really did, but right now you felt like a burden more than anything. Someone who wasn’t deserving of his love.
Someone who wasn’t deserving of him.
“I love you.”
Those three words that had always made your heart flutter in that moment had only made you feel cold. You couldn’t bring yourself to believe they were true. You had tried for so long to convince yourself that you deserved this —that you deserved him. However, after tonight, you found yourself questioning everything as you let the guys’ words get to you.
At your silence, Hyunjin hesitantly loosened his hold on you—carefully turning your trembling figure towards him. The sight of him crushed your very being. His eyes red-rimmed and filled with so much hurt as tears cascaded down his porcelain skin.
Your body stiffened as he leaned forward, pressing a lingering kiss to your forehead.
“Please,” he whispered, leaning back to take in the image of you for what felt like the last time.
“Please, come back to me.”
You felt Hyunjin’s hands fall from where they rested on your arms, forcing his eyes shut as he took a small step back from you. Your heart ached as you watched him. Letting you go was the last thing he wanted to do, but you knew he was doing it for you.
With a deep, shaky breath you turned and walked away, silently praying that this wouldn’t be the last time you’d see him as you set off into the night.
Leaving bits of your broken heart and the man you loved behind.
Over the next two weeks, days bled into nights as you stayed holed up in your apartment. Your skin rarely ever feels the sun these days, opting to be swallowed in the comfort of your sheets.
An overwhelming emptiness had formed inside of you—slowly consuming your entire being.
You thought that the distance would allow you time to heal—time to come to terms with everything that had happened but you weren’t coping well and according to Chan, neither was Hyunjin.
You knew that no matter how much he had wanted to reach out that Hyunjin would give you the space you needed and for that you were grateful. Occasionally, he would send you a text here and there, telling you that he loves you and that he misses you. However, you had been so in your mind these past few weeks, the guy's words playing like a broken record in your head that you had got to the point where your mind had convinced yourself that you didn’t deserve Hyunjin’s love.
So with a heavy heart and tears in your eyes, you silenced his messages.
You had been nothing but an emotional wreck since the night. The insecurities you had spent years trying to overcome seemed to resurface all at once and fester more everyday. You had started avoiding the mirrors scattered about your apartment, feeling nauseous at even the slightest glimpse of yourself. The more your eyes combed over the image that stared back at you the more disgusted you felt.
You felt worthless.
You wanted nothing more than to see Hyunjin but the thought of him looking at you made your stomach churn and your eyes well with tears. You need time to think about things and prepare yourself for when you ultimately see him again—if not to fix things between the two of you then to break it off for good.
He deserved better anyway.
The night Hyunjin had found out the truth was the worst of them all. Chan had been keeping in contact with you just to check up with you and make sure that you were okay—or doing as okay as you could be. He seemed to be the only person you could talk to at the moment that didn’t make you feel worse than you already did. He told you that Hyunjin had found out everything and wasn’t coping well at all. He didn’t go into detail about it but from the eerie silence on his end when you asked, you knew it had been anything but pretty.
Hyunjin couldn’t hold himself back after finding out.
He blew up your phone with texts and calls alike but all of them had gone unanswered. As much as you wanted to answer and put his mind at ease, you knew that you weren’t in the right mentality to do so.
He was devastated and angry that the people he had trusted hurt the person he cared about the most.
The guys had all tried to contact you as well. You had swiped the notifications away the minute you noticed them, not really wanting to talk to any of them at the moment.
You didn’t even know how you would respond.
You had never felt more betrayed than you did hearing how they really felt about you. They were your friends—or you thought they were anyway. A part of you felt like you could never truly forgive them.
But even if you did then what?
Right now it didn’t feel like they were trying to apologize because they felt sorry but because they got caught. You tried to convince yourself it was because they had been drinking but even then ‘ a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.’
The next day you awoke to the sound of your phone blaring. Sitting up you rubbed sleepily at your eyes, blindly reaching for the device.
You didn’t give a second glance at the caller ID before answering, grunting into the phone as a form of greeting. The panicked call of your name falling from Chan’s lips pulled you out of your sleepy state, eyes flying open at the panic in his tone.
“Chan? What’s wrong?”
“I know you don’t want to see him but I can’t keep this from you anymore,” he rushed out as you heard the sound of rustling coming from the other end.
“Chan what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
Any ounce of calmness that his voice usually held was gone.
“He’s not doing well. He’s not sleeping and he’s locked himself in my old studio, refusing to eat or come back to the dorm and rest. I debated whether or not to call you and I’m sorry but I’m just really worried,” he breathed into the phone.
“Chan I–.”
“He almost collapsed at practice tonight.”
You felt your eyes burn at his words. Letting out a shaky breath you hadn’t realized you were holding, you removed yourself from the covers. Your body seemed to move in autopilot, feeling your brain shut down at the information.
All of your fears and worries were put aside as you pulled on your shoes and slipped out the door, mumbling to Chan that you would meet him at the building before hanging up.
How could you have been so selfish?
You found yourself several minutes later shifting uncomfortably in an alleyway by the company building.
Would Hyunjin even want to see you?
Would going in there make things better or worse?
The soft call of your name pulled you out of your trance. You turned to find Chan peeking his head out of a side door as he beckoned you inside. The minute you were inside the building Chan pulled you into his arms.
“I’ve been so worried,” he breathed as he held you, causing your eyes to prickle with tears.
“I’m sorry,” you muttered as you tucked your head against his chest.
He pulled away, frowning down at you.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“But Hyunjin—,” he cut you off, gently shushing you as he took notice of the tears gathering in your eyes.
“Will be alright. You both will be.”
God you hoped that was true.
Chan led you to the practice room Hyunjin had been cooped up in. Your heart racing as you hear faint shuffling coming from behind the studio door. Chan gave you a reassuring look as he leaned forward, knuckles harshly rapping against the door.
“Go away,” the rough grumble of a familiar voice called out and your heart clenched at the sound.
Chan shot you a look, urging you to speak.
“H-Hyunjin,” you stuttered out, afraid that your voice was too soft for him to hear.
Before you could blink the door was flinging open to reveal the man behind it. His eyes were wide in surprise as he stared at you, your name gently falling from his lips in a soft whisper as if he couldn’t fathom that you were really there.
Chan wordlessly dismissed himself, wanting to give the two of you space.
Hyunjin’s eyes roamed over you, a sad look in his gaze as took in the sight of you in front of him. You shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. Hyunjin seemed to notice, clearing his throat as he moved to the side before gesturing for you to come in.
The tension in the room was suffocating. You heard the soft click of the door being shut behind you as your eyes surveyed the room. Your attention shifted from the take out containers to the single pillow and blanket that laid sprawled out on the couch.
You felt your chest tighten as you heard him shift behind you, eyes glancing over his figure as you looked at him for the first time in weeks. His eyes were red as they hesitantly met yours, quickly falling to the floor as a look of shame flashed across his face.
He was uncomfortable with you being there.
You could see it in the way he held himself close to the wall, putting as much distance between the two of you as he could. Hyunjin’s gaze didn’t meet yours, even at the soft call of his name that fell from your lips. You frowned as you let your eyes wander over his body, noticing the way his once form fitting clothes now hung loosely from his frame. Those once bright eyes now dulled and sunken in.
You choked back a sob at the sight.
You did this to him. You’re disgusting.
It was quiet between the two of you for a moment. You watched as Hyunjin shifted on his feet, gaze hesitantly flickering to yours as his mouth opened and then closed. After a few moments he decided to speak up, your heart shattering with his next words.
“C-Can I touch you,” he hesitantly asked, eyes filled with tears as if he was afraid you’d say no.
You nodded your head and not a moment later you were in his arms. His familiar scent caused your eyes to swell with tears as he embraced you.
“I-I missed you so much Y/n.”
“I missed you too Hyun.”
“I’m so sorry. I know that’s not enough to fix this but I’m sorry. This is all my fault,” he whispered as he pressed his head against your shoulder.
Your eyes snapped open at his words, gently shaking your head but before you could say anything he was speaking again.
“I never wanted the person I loved to feel like they weren’t enough. You’re my other half Y/n. Y-You mean everything to me and as much as I want to blame them all for making you feel this way, I’m also to blame. I never made you feel worthy. I failed you and I’m so s-sorry.”
Your heart broke as you watched him break down in front of you.
“You would be happier if you weren’t with me.”
A choked sob escaped your lips at that. You shook your head as you reached out to him, tears blurring your vision. This entire time you had only pitied yourself, letting your insecurities eat away at you and keep you from the man you loved.
You had thought the opposite of what he did, thinking that Hyunjin would be happier without someone like you in his life. But watching him break down in front of you as your own sobs sounded throughout the room you knew that the two of you had both been wrong.
You didn’t realize how much Hyunjin had been hurting this entire time as well.
“H-Hyunjin, you never did anything wrong. I let my insecurities and the others’ words get to me. It wasn’t your fault so please don’t ever say that I would be happier without you because that’s not true. These past few weeks have been hell for me,” you cried as you held him.
There was a hint of uncertainty in his gaze, as if he were afraid that you were only saying that to make him feel better.
“I should have loved you more. I should have never hid you in the first place, god I’m so—,” you cut him off by pressing your lips gently to his.
You heard his breath hitch at the contact, but soon his lips were melding with yours. He kissed you with every bit of energy he had left in him, cupping your face and holding you like you were the most fragile thing.
“That was mutually decided,” you breathed out against his lips as you parted.
“Yes it’s true that I’ve never felt good enough for you but that wasn’t your fault at all. You’re so good and so talented and beautiful and I’m nothing compared to you.”
His eyes widened as he let your words sink in, filling with tears once more as you finally exposed your thoughts and insecurities to him.
“But when I was with you I never felt lesser than you. You never made me feel that way or like I wasn’t worth your time. I-I actually felt beautiful for the first time in my life. If anything you made it all go away,” you breathed as you pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“No one has ever looked at me the way you have or loved me the way you do. I was so hurt by what the guys said that I just started doubting everything. It brought back a lot of insecurities that I had tried to bury. I won’t lie and tell you I’m fine because I’m not. Scars have been reopened and I can’t stop thinking no matter how much I don’t want to.”
He frowned as he pressed a kiss to your temple, running his hands comfortingly down your arms as you tried hard to voice how you were really feeling.
“I’m sorry I left without talking to you. I just—I needed to think about things and I didn’t want to put you in a position where you’d feel like you’d have to side with them or me. That’s why I didn’t tell you that day and I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for my love,” he mumbled as he pulled you close to him.
You rested your head against his chest, the soft thrum of his heart bringing you a sense of comfort. Hyunjin caressed your hair as he held you. A content sigh escaped his lips as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head.
“Hyunjin?”
He hummed in response, softly stroking your cheek. His eyes were wide, filled with a thousand emotions.
“Promise me you’ll start taking care of yourself.”
“As long as you promise to take care of yourself. I can feel your bones baby,” he frowned as his hands squeezed your hips.
“Isn’t that a good thing,” you laughed but there wasn’t much humor behind it.
He shot you a look, both understanding yet disapproving.
“I love you just the way you are Y/n,” he whispered as he pressed soft kisses against your cheek.
“And I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me y/n.”
Without a doubt, you knew that he would.