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After a hundred years, Byakuya did not imagine that he would find himself in the abyss again.
He always showed himself that way, unshakable, strong, pretentious, titanium pride, impeccable posture, imperturbable humor, a serious man, cold and emotionless, a hard, empty shell. Deep in his soul, he knew it was all a disguise, but couldn't help but close himself off from the world after the death of his beloved wife. The Kuchiki didn't want to show it, but he feared more than anything to open up again to someone else and get hurt, he feared losing someone he loved and seeing they leave his arms without being able to do anything to prevent it.
Who knew he'd be in that situation again, even without intention? He hadn't even done anything, but was miserable again. Byakuya felt responsible for this, as no one told his treacherous heart to surrender to his lieutenant.
He was so stupid to fall in love with Renji. Did it have to be Renji? Couldn't it be someone else?
No, it couldn't. No one else would have the prowess to be like him. Abarai was unique, fearless, intrepid, with that outgoing personality and easy smile, so devoted to his Captain, but always with the goal of surpassing him in mind. Abarai didn't hesitate for a second when he faced Kuchiki to save Rukia's life, he didn't look back when he had the possibility of being considered a traitor for helping Ichigo and his friends on Kurosaki's mission. Every detail that Byakuya was missing, Renji perfectly complemented, and maybe that was the reason that had caught the attention of Kuchiki's foolish heart. It wasn't just that, it was every detail that made up the man Byakuya had fallen in love with, owner of long red hair and a tall muscular body covered in tattoos.
He tried to deny his feelings, something the entire Seireitei swore on their knees that Byakuya was incapable of experiencing. He tried with all his might to put that aside and focus his mind on other tasks, but his brain went head over heels when Renji attended his office with animated speech, rambling euphorically, however always keeping the respect, addressing him as "Kuchiki Taichou", bowing reverently, being shy with the slightest generous attitude that Byakuya showed. He began to enjoy the redhead's company too much and would invite him to drink sake after a long day at work, persuading him to train their skills, feeling a searing heat in his stomach as his advances were met with goofy grins and flushed cheeks. He found himself enjoying the warm touch of Abarai's hands, enjoying the feel of him close, enjoying purposefully teasing him to make him embarrassed and flushed.
He was satisfied with the daily little things he got, feeding his feelings and sating the immeasurable urge to simply kiss him with the crumbs he allowed himself to have. Until he saw again the person he loved slipping through his fingers like a handful of sand, ephemeral and unreachable. He could have done something sooner, faced the archaic laws of the family, maybe even acted thoughtlessly and been disinherited. In that situation, he had to admit that he'd rather have the honor of his name tarnished than feel the excruciating pain that racked his chest day after day.
Renji started appearing on the roads of the sixth squad with the same smile that was directed at Byakuya, however, because of someone else. He talked passionately about another man as he used to talk about his Captain. He wandered around with messy hair, a proudly scratched tattooed back, and a neck crammed with hickeys that weren't caused by Byakuya. But worst of all was hiding and watching Ichigo and Renji sitting alone under a tree on a romantic date, fingers intertwined and nervous laughter. They seemed to fit so well together. Kurosaki was more talkative, more charismatic, more blunt with his intentions, more affectionate, more brave, everything Byakuya was not and could never be.
Losing Hisana to a terminal illness hurt Kuchiki and left a deep, nasty scar on his being, but losing Renji, who was still alive and healthy, tore him viscerally from the inside out and gutted his entrails. He would have to live with weeks, months, years, decades, hundreds, thousands of years with Abarai by his side, but unable to have him as he truly deeply yearned for, 'cause now Renji belonged to another one.
He was helpless and hollow like he'd never felt before. The so powerful and confident Kuchiki Taicho, proud and demonstrating traits of superiority complex, was distracted, inert, weak and broken. Byakuya was stuck in a painful loop, which felt like a nightmare he couldn't escape, let alone wake up. There was nowhere to run, nobody to point the finger and say "it's your fault", and the reason was simple: he was the one to blame, he was the stupid one who went to fall in love with the one who shouldn't, he was the stupid one who didn't confess before it was too late, and now he paid the price for his bad decisions.
When would Byakuya make the right choice without depending on others? Why was everything he loved always taken away from him? These were unanswerable questions, however, deep inside him, Byakuya knew it was because he was a coward when it came to his own feelings, coward to the marrow of his bones.
Renji became everything to him, inspired him to be someone better, kinder, more comprehensive and fair, someone with a purpose, someone who should protect and inspire to surpass him someday, if it was possible.
Now everything was falling apart and all that was left for Kuchiki was to watch. Watch someone else take Renji's lips and touch him in every way possible, someone else take the responsibility of protecting him from dangers, of inviting him for a drink at night and tease him during the day.
The taste on the black-haired man's tongue was bitter, rancid and unpleasant. Byakuya knew the only way to make it stop was to say that sentence with three words, which he would scream at the top of his lungs if he could just do it. But he couldn't. It was choking in his throat, choking in his chest, beating compressed next to his pounding with anguish heart.
Kuchiki was scared, dominated by an irrational fear, which was to lose his loved one, but it was done. He still hadn't fully digested the information, and when he did, it would be excruciating, he would fall into disgrace and he was not looking forward to it.
He wanted to cry. He wanted to be silent. He wanted to run. He wanted to lie on the floor and not get up. He wanted to breathe without his chest hurting. He wanted his chest to stop beating. He wanted everything and nothing at the same time. He was a whirlwind of emotions and it paralyzed him.
It all seemed like a sadistic and cruel joke, but Byakuya couldn't even puf himself together to cry desperately and shout out everything he felt. It was endless bitterness.
He loved Renji, he still loved him and he tried to show it in every way within his power as possible, but he had screwed it up again.
Byakuya knew that Abarai deserved someone good, who would make him happy, who wouldn't put him down and be as warm, welcoming and virtuous as he was, yet still the crushing, unbearable pressure on his torn heart of a wounded man couldn't help but wonder
why did everything he loved have to be taken away from him?