Chapter Text
[User has added 11 users]
[User has blocked the leave feauture]
[E.Ranpo has named the chat "Armed Detective Agency"]
E. Ranpo: Shachou told me to make this chat for 'emergencies'
O.Dazai: Sure he did
D.Kunikida: This is a great idea, I hope you all stay PROFFESSIONAL in this chat and only chat here when necessary.
A.Yosano: im gonna bet this will turn into chaos in 5 minutes
O.Dazai: ew punctuation in this modern age????? boomer
D.Kunikida: I am the same age as you.
O.Dazai: that's no excuse kuni chan
D.Kunikida: Don't call me that you heathen.
O.Dazai: no (○｀ 3′○)
D.Kunikida: DO YOUR WORK SHITTY DAZAI
O.Dazai: LMFAO bold of u to assume, I'm at work
D.Kunikida:
D.Kunikida: WHERE THE FUCK DID U GO
O.Dazai: to ur mom to give her a big fat sp-
D.Kunikida: finish that sentence and I. will. hunt. u. down. and CHOKE THE LIVING 23$%^$#@ OUT OF U, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU FIND A WILL TO LIVE AND I WILL CRUSH IT SO THOROUGHLY THAT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO DIE TO ASCEND FROM THIS REALM U ABSOLUTE BANDAGE WASTING BASTARD
E.Ranpo: stop flirting in main you dumbasses, i expected chaos not this weird foreplay yall doing
I.Kyouka: are you cheating on chuuya-san dazai-san?
N.Atsushi: WHAT
D.Kunikida: THE FUCK???
A.Yosano: holy shit lmao i knew it
E.Ranpo: I feel kinda bad for you kunikida, well not that much but damn must suck finding out ur a side hoe lmao
O.Dazai: im???? not???? into???? that??? dumbass????
E.Ranpo: sure babe whatever helps u sleep at night
O.Dazai: fuck off ur gay, u don't have rights
A.Yosano: SAYS U?????? HAVE??? YOU??? LOOKED??? IN??? A??? MIRROR???
O.Dazai: why would i need to look in the mirror when i alr know im dropdead gorgeous 🥱
E.Ranpo: nah u just don't see yourself in the mirror coz u know a GAY, HOMOsexual is gonna look un-straight back
O.Dazai: lies
I.Kyouka: does this count as gaslighting |@N.Atsushi|
N.Atsushi: ........probably?
J.Tanizaki: barely 10 minutes since this chat was created and everything is already in chaos
T.Naomi: Yes pls stay that way
M.Kenji: also why is Kunikida just banging his head through the wall?
A.Yosano:
A.Yosano: quick while Kunikida's distracted change everything |@E.Ranpo|
E.Ranpo: lmao as if i wasn't alr on it
[E.Ranpo has changed the chat name from "Armed Detective Agency" to "Art of Delicate Assholding"]
[E.Ranpo has changed 12 users names]
Mr. Worldwide: I'm not saying I slept with men,,,, but
Ranwhore: But??? There's no fucking but in that, you either like the meow meow or the gorilla balls
CPRinsideme: MEOW MEOW
Kunidaddy: THIS IS A WORK ONLY GROUPCHAT!!! THIS IS AGAINST MY IDEALS
Furry Denial: You can't say that kunikida san when you drank alcohol in the office
Kunidaddy: ...... that was one time
Ane-san+moretrauma: You did that on more than one occasion kunikida
Misery: Guys help me
KeMoo: you gotta learn all by urself (*￣3￣)╭
CPRinsideme: Who the fUCK CHANGED KENJI'S NICKNAME?!?!
KeMoo: Eh? I don't see anything wrong with it o(^▽^)o
Ane-san+moretrauma: come kenji kun let's go buy crepes
KeMoo: Okay! ||ヽ(￣▽￣)ノミ|Ю
[2 users went offline]
Ranwhore: now before i was RUDELY interrupted, dazai u better answer us you queercoded rivalry piece of shit
Mr. Worldwide: What queercoded rivalry are you talking about? my RIVALRY with chuuya, fyodor and kunikida is NOT queercoded
Furry Denial: Dazai san......
Mr. Worldwide: Another word from you and I tell them about ur dragon
Furry Denial: 🤐
CPRinsideyou: You have a dragon and you didnt tell us?
CPRinsideyou: Also Dazai that's not very straight of u to do.... smh smh
Furry Denial: THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, WE WERE CONFRONTING DAZAI SAN NOT ME
Misery: Dazai san, no offense but I saw you on multiple occassions come back smelling like a russian in broad daylight, or sneaking back in the dorms smelling like wine....
Mr. Worldwide:
Mr. Worldwide: |@Nii-san I'm Gay| Tanizaki ate your donuts when you weren't looking
Misery: Dazai san why :((
Mr. Worldwide: revenge >:((
Ranwhore: Dazai gay (derogatory)
Kunidaddy: My partner.... is a manwhore oh my
CPRinsideyou: HEL EVEN KUNIKIDA IS SPEECHLESS
Mr. Worldwide: this is so heterophobic Im straight!!!!!
Ranwhore sent Fuitloop.jpeg
Ranwhore: I beg to fucking differ, you thought you were slick didn't you?
Unstable ppl President: Gay
Mr. Worldwide: I-
Ranwhore: BAHAHAHHAHAHA
CPRinsideyou: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Kunidaddy: DAZAI! THIS IS TREASON OF THE HIGHEST ORDER
Ranwhore: haha ur side hoe is getting mad daz goodluck
Mr. Worldwide: but Kunikida! Didn't you know sleeping with multiple men can release endorphins into your brain causing you to work more efficiently afterwards?
Mr. Worldwide: Oh I didnt know that. BUT ITS STILL NOT APPROPRIATE TO DO THAT WITH THE ENEMIES?!
Mr. Worldwide: It rushes the endorphins is way more efficient that way Ku~ni~ki~da- san! You ought to write that down
Kunidaddy: I see
Ranwhore: And here we witness Mother Mary from Christianity convince her fiance Joseph that she wasn't in fact cheating
Furry Denial: ....um dazai san... shouldn't you tell kunikida that ur lying....?
Mr. Worldwide: my dear atSUSHI i would NEVER lie to kunidaddy!
CatCATCAAAT: Pls save that for the bedroom Dazai san
Ranwhore: HEL
CPRinsideyou: as fun as this has been going on, no kunikida dazai is lying to you
Kunidaddy: DAZAI
Furry Denial: Dazai san you better come out
CPRinsideyou: yea come out of the closet brother, no one in our fam is straight after having Mori as a father figure oml
Mr. Worldwide: You can't prove i was caught lacking
Ranwhore: |@Unstable pp President| Permission?
Unstable pp President: Granted
[Ranwhore has added 2 users]
[Ranwhore has changed 2 users' names]
Ratemia: Oh yea Dazai's gay af
The Fancy Bussy: I see no fucking lie, left because a ginger told him to
Mr. Worldwide: WOW ur a ginger too (derogatory)
The Fancy Bussy: And yet u dell foc tdis ass divrt u?"
Ranwhore: CAUGHT UR ASS IN 4K BITCH |@Mr. Worldwide|
The Fancy Bussy: HELL YEA DRINKS ON ME
Misery: arent you already drunk?
The Fancy Bussy: so?
Misery: I- fair
The Fancy Bussy: You can bring ur side hoes if u want mackerel 🙄
Mr. Worldwide: Bold of u to assume YOU'RE not the side hoe
Ranwhore: Bold of u to assume YOU'RE not the side hoe
Mr. Worldwide: ew a gay synced with me
Ranwhore: that's what YOU think u smelly ass no ass fat titty mf
CPRinsideyou: we got dazai to confess haha todays a good day frfr
Furry Denial: sometimes the confessions may already be obvious things
Mr. Worldwide:
Ratemia: its still good for blackmail
[Unknown user entered the chat]
Odead: Anyways, not to brag but I'm the main bitch of dazai
[Odead left the chat]
CPRinsideyou: I-
Furry Denial: IS THAT THE MAN IN THE GRAVE???
CPRinsideyou: Help I was sitting next to Chuuya and he looks like he's having war flashbacks
Ranwhore: Dazai's been awfully quiet huh
Ratemia: oh i'm with him rn he's typing a LOT of shit
Mr. Worldwide: LISTEN HERE YOU FURRY ASS FUCKING TWINK, SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WHEN U LOOK AT AKUTAGAWA FUCKING RYUUNOUSKE LIKE TAH, YOU WHIPPED MF. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE ATOM AROUND THAT MANGY MUTT THAT YOU HAVENT MEMORIZED TO A T. SO STFU AND SIT UR ASS DOWN BEFOR EI COME BEAT UR ASS AND GIVE U TEH AKU TREATMENT TOO
Furry Denial: I-
Ranwhore: make that two people on war flashbacks
Kunidaddy: Well ig celebration night is cancelled today
Misery:
Misery: THAT'S what your concerned about???
CPRinsideyou: KUNIKIDA,,,,, i expected better from you with all ur ideals and shit
Kunidaddy: Can you blame me??? The mans finally admitted to being gay
Ane-san+moretrauma: There are 2 people crying and hurling on the floor and ranpo is crying with them and all you can think of is that musty bf of urs?!
Nii-san I'm Gay: wait why is ranpo crying as well
Unstable pp President: Ranpo has always been a sympathy crier once he sees someone he likes cry, he wails soon after joining them
Unstable pp President: It's only a matter of time before Yosano also joins the fray
KeMoo: Who's Ratemia? ╰(°▽°)╯
Kunidaddy:
Misery:
Unstable pp President:
Nii-san I'm Gay:
CatCATCAAAT: we gave away our secrets oh my
Ratemia: going to the blackmail folder rn 😘🥰😍😉✍️
Mr. Worldwide: Why is this Dazai person crying in my apartment?
Mr. Worldwide: he smells shitty and there's blood everywhere, can someone pls pick him up
Misery: Well alright, where are you exactly?
Mr. Worldwide: why would i expose my location to e n e m i e s?
KeMoo: Pls tell us so we can get dazai san out of your care ★,°:.☆(￣▽￣)/$:*.°★* 。
Mr. Worldwide: no
CatCATCAAAT: then what was the point of you telling us-
Mr. Worldwide: I'm just informing you all that he will be stayinghere permanently, you do not need him anymore
Unstable pp President: so it is the mafia
Unstable pp President: Mori give him back
Mr. Worldwide: I'm not that pedo wtf
Kunidaddy: It could be one of the executives? Like Akutagawa
Misery: Akutagawa is not an executive Kunikida san
Ane-san+moretrauma: it can't be chuuya or ane-san, so maybe it's that gambler
Mr. Worldwide: I'm not that despicable piece of shit
Ane-san+moretrauma: I got nothing
Misery: just when our best detectives are all out of commission this happens damn
Nii-san I'm Gay: Nii-san ur a detective u can do it!~
Unstable pp President: we ruled out the executives at least hm
Unstable pp President: are you sure you're not mori?
Mr. Worldwide: why do u keep insisting i'm that shitty old man?
Unstable pp President: It's Elise
Ane-san+moretrauma: It's Elise
Mr. Worldwide: im not the brat
Ane-san+moretrauma: we have no choice, |@KeMoo| operation squishy bear
KeMoo: Affirmative! (○｀ 3′○)
Misery: what's operation squisjsndbnfcidvf AJNMES AOSKDMXNES
Nii-san I'm Gay: NII-SAN! KENJI WHY
KeMoo: operation squishy bear completed kyouka >:D
Ane-san+moretrauma: we've done our part, let's go eat chazuke kenji kun
KeMoo: Yep yep! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
[2 users went offline]
[2 user went online]
Furry Denial: CHAZUKE??? WITHOUT??? ME???
CPRinsideyou: I heard Tanizaki is injured! leave it to me >:P
CatCATCAAAT: i- i cant believe that worked
CPRinsideyou: what worked?
Unstable pp President: I have a bunch of ramune in my office yet no one is here to eat it hm such a waste to go to the trash
[1 user went online]
Ranwhore: I'll eat it!
Kunidaddy: everyone's here finally
Unstable pp President: we have a situation, dazai is at an unknown location with an enemy. we need everyone on this case, one of us is in danger
Ranwhore: Calm ur balls Shachou, he's with teh aku siblings
Kunidaddy: RANPO SAN
CPRinsideyou: welp as long as he aint dead, u can keep him, now tanizaki needs my attention ~(=^‥^)ノ
Ranwhore: ew stop that
CPRinsideyou: whore
Ranwhore: Belltower
CPRisnideyou: sxdecfdrkv KYS
Ranwhore: you first <33 ( ఠ ͟ʖ ఠ)
Furry Denial: WHAT IS THAT EMOJI HEL
[Mr. Worldwide added 2 users]
[Ranwhore has changed 2 users names]
Emogawa: WTF IS THIS
Ranwhore: Ritual u furry
DazLuvsMEmore: aw if only i felt appreciated by the old man
Emogawa: That's not true, Dazai loves me more
DazLuvsMEmore: which one of us got acknowledged early on?
Emogawa: ....
DazLuvsMEmore: that's right sit ur ass down emo
Emogawa: stfu
DazLuvsMEmore: no u
Misery: ..... I can only guess |@Emogawa| is Akutagawa as in THE rabid dog of pm?
Emogawa: unfortunately
DazLuvsMEmore: HAH
Nii-san I'm Gay: then who's the other one
Emogawa: |@DazLuvsMEmore| is my younger sibling Gin
DazLuvsMEmore: way to kill the suspense as always smh
CPRinsideyou: tbh yea felt familiar
DazLuvsMEmore: fucking how???
CPRinsideyou: I'm a lesbian, that's how
Ratemia: what happened to the idiot
The Fancy Bussy: Oh look the side hoe is concerned
Ratemia: ur a side hoe too dumbass
Ranwhore: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, WHOEVER WINS GETS DAZAIS UNDERWEAR 100%
Kunidaddy: WTF RANPO
CPRinsideyou: YEA WTF RANPO, DONT EXCLUDE KUNIKIDA FROM THE FIGHT
DazLuvsMEmore: 1 grand chuuya wins
Furry Denial: Are you seriously gonna bet???
DazLuvsMEmore: gotta support my bro ifykyk
CatCATCAAAT: I bet 1 grand kunikida wins
Misery: Haruno chan??????
Ranwhore: kill one of them and i guarantee you, dazai will be urs forever
CPRinsideyou: 1 grand chuuya wins now then
Furry Denial: RANPO
Ranwhore: relax kid theyre not actually gonna do i-
Ranwhore: Oh theyre actually going for it lmao simps