Chapter Text
“What I’m most afraid of… Is forgetting Anna. The strange lessons we have everyday… are making my memories fade. Please, don’t make me forget Anna. It’s only Anna and me in this world.”
-Johan Liebert
“...Anna...” Came a muffled moan through trembling lips, and then a shuttered breath followed. “...please...” This cry came so small and fragile through a broken, gasped sob. “Please don't make me forget...” Another faint whimpered sob filled the darkness before it was married by a hissed, breathy gasp. “...no...”
The figure in the bed twitched and stirred. Lashes fluttered and eyes frantically darted behind closed lids. Fingers tangled and twisted themselves in the sheets as faint, panted breath filled the silences and hot tears stained the fabric of the pillow as it damped warm, pink cheeks.
“No.” Another low, drawn-out moan took over. “Please, don't make me forget Anna.” The pleading voice cracked and wavered through another whimpered sob. “Stop it.” This came a heavy, garbled groan. “Please..?” The small, fragile voice begged and pleaded. “...please, stop it...” The body shuttered and shivered under the sheets, panted breath before an awful gagging sound. “..uh..” Another retched gag filled the silence. “...stop it...” The panted breath quickened its pace, coming hot and ragged. “Stop it.” The fragile voice raised in volume and intensity. “No!” This came a shrill hiss. “No!” The fragile voice finally screamed. “Anna! Anna!” This name was wailed in a high-pitched shriek-over and over again-in an unrelenting scream before the body retched and jerked up from the bed and the screams finally stopped.
And once again, Johan's screams were reduced to nothing more than wretched, gasping sobs. The streaming tears coming down his face the ghost remnants of the tortured and broken child he'd once been. Johan swore to himself-time and again-that he'd killed that weak, pathetic little boy with his own bare hands when he'd set Kinderheim in flames. Yet that tortured and tormented little boy still cruelly haunted him by resurfacing in his nightmares.
Oh, how Johan hated that little boy. With every fiber of his being, he wanted that side of himself dead and buried, once and for all.
Shoving his hand underneath his rumpled pillow, Johan retrieved the gun he always slept with as he roughly placed it to his temple. Finger on the trigger with a steady, unwavering hand, the voice of the monster inside of him hissed out into the darkness in a cold voice.
“Get out of my head.” This came through grit teeth as the voice inside his mind came so heartless and detached.
Go ahead and do it
Just pull the trigger
The voice of the monster hissed in encouragement towards Johan's actions.
She's already convinced you're suicidal
It wouldn't be all that shocking if you killed yourself now
The self-destructive little monster continued to taunt and coax as Johan's itching finger twitched against the trigger. Tonight-in the darkness-they were of one mind, and wanted the same thing...
...destruction of the self...
“...Anna...” Johan breathed this name, yet the voice in his head remained undaunted in keeping him on this path.
She'll get over it
Eventually
The monster readily answered with this harsh truth.
She'll be better off without you, and you know it
“...Johan..?” This anxious little whisper in the darkness came so suddenly and without warning that Johan turned his gun on the shadows of his room instead.
“Who's there?!” The hideously disfigured creature inside of him snarled out angrily through grit teeth.
Whoever dared to disturb him now clearly didn't value their life, and deserved to die.
“Johan...” The disembodied voice within the darkness spoke again in a hesitant, almost frightened whisper. “it's me.” Johan's immediately lowered his gun towards the familiarity of this voice.
A wave of awful confusion violently washed over him as Johan let out a shuttered breath as his brows knit together in the darkness.
“...Nina..?” His own voice came out so very small and fragile, his eyes becoming large and round as they darted around the shadows of his room.
Why was she here?
She shouldn't be here, this was wrong...
It wasn't safe.
Johan shivered through the chill of his damp, exposed flesh as his eyes continued to dart around in the black. Confused and disoriented a moment before clarity slowly began to dawn on him.
Of course Nina was here, he let out a chastising sigh. He'd made sure of it. She was here because things were getting worse. Much worse-for both of them, apparently. Another helpless little shiver ran through his body, and it absolutely sickened him-this weakness-as he heard his sister's voice in the corner of his room.
“I'm sorry if I scared you, brother.” She whispered a bit apologetically, and Johan could imagine the expression of her face so perfectly now as he quickly collected himself and shoved the gun in his hand back underneath the safety of his pillow.
“What are you doing here?” He lightly asked in a calmer, more neutral tone-of-voice when he'd finally found himself again.
“I-” Nina's voice stammered in the darkness, sounding a little embarrassed now as she spoke. “I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go on a walk to make myself tired.” She said, then paused for the longest time as if she didn't want to continue with her next words. “And when I came down the hall, I heard screaming.”
Oh...
That...
Johan gave a deflated sigh through his nose.
“It was just a nightmare.” He softly whispered into the darkness. “Go back to bed, Nina.” Johan gently coaxed, hoping that his sister would just leave him to his self-destruction.
“You don't have to be alone right now if you don't want to be.” He heard this whispered as he offered a small, petulant scowl to the shadows.
“Nina.” He lightly chided, not at all liking the sound of his sister's stubborn persistence.
“I could stay with you until you fall back to sleep.” She whispered quietly with such heartfelt conviction and desire in her voice to comfort him.
It was admirable.
Endearing, even.
But entirely unnecessary.
...because he wasn't the one in need of protection tonight...
“Nina-” Johan sighed with the faint twitch of his head as his eyes moved from the sound of her voice in the darkness to his lap. “I'm not exactly decent.” He admitted, because it was the truth.
Not that this exactly bothered him or caused him to feel uncomfortable in his sister's presence. His own body meant nothing to him, and he often slept without clothing because it was practical. With his constant thrashing around in his sleep, his clothing would uncomfortably bind and tangle around him. But Johan did hope that-in making this obvious-it would deter any further action on his sister's part. And when he didn't hear her immediately respond to this, Johan felt relieved.
“Oh...” Nina mumbled quietly, sounding embarrassed-as if she'd just registered what he'd told her. “Well-” She briefly paused with a stutter before beginning again. “that's okay.” She whispered softly through the warm, kind smile that was undoubtedly playing along her lips. “That doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.” Nina said, causing Johan to silently frown. “My pajamas are warm, so I can lay on top of the sheets while you stay underneath.” She offered this solution through gentle, coaxing words as Johan audibly groaned with the roll of his eyes.
“Nina-”
“Please, Johan.” Nina stopped him in his tracks with her voice. “I'm really worried about you.” She whispered quietly. “...please...” Her voice grew so small in the darkness, sounding so desperate. “let me help..?” Johan sighed again with the twitch of his head, staring into the darkness.
“You won't go away until I say yes to you.” He murmured quietly in a soft, gentle tone. “...am I right..?” And he heard a soft giggle emanate from within the shadows.
“You know me too well, brother.” Nina hummed, and Johan couldn't help the faint lift at the corner of his lips.
...he certainly knew her stubborn moods well enough...
“Come on, then.” Johan grumbled as he moved himself to the edge of the bed, the soft pitter-patter of Nina's feet drawing closer until he felt her crawl into the bed with him.
Nina carefully moved over him as best she could in the darkness before settling in next to him, her back against the wall. Johan turned away from her on his side, straightening the sheets over himself as he felt Nina gently rest against his back. And it was so very strange-foreign, really-this warmth beginning to blossom deep inside of him.
He knew it wasn't coming from him.
Nothing that good could come from him.
It was her.
Her warmth and light. Her goodness.
The savage monster inside lulled itself to sleep when he felt her fingers begin to tenderly brush themselves through his hair.
...he was so tired...
...this place made him tired...
“This better not be some ploy to get into bed with me because you're still afraid of the dark, sister.” He quietly teased through a languid, almost detached voice.
“I'm not afraid of the dark, Johan!” Nina lightly hissed, and Johan smirked in response.
“...are so...” He countered in a faint hum.
He felt Nina lightly shove him along his upper back with the palm of her hand before those fingers reluctantly took their place once more to play with his hair.
She'd always loved doing that when they were children. Playing with his hair. And-despite his cold composure-Johan found himself taken aback by all of the memories that began to surface underneath Nina's gentle touch. His eyes wide open, peering into the darkness-Johan focused on the sensation of her fingers running through his hair.
Johan was rarely taken by surprise when it came to people and their various actions and responses. Their behavior. Human beings were-facile. Easily comprehended, and lacking any real form of sincerity or depth.
...most of them were smug, too...
But not Nina...
Despite everything she'd been through-all of the cruel, unimaginable things those monsters had done to her at the mansion-Nina never lost her ability to love. And it was this genuine, selfless expression of unconditional love and compassion that always took Johan by surprise. It destabilized him. It contradicted his world view. Because-in truth-Nina should have become exactly like him. Someone entirely incapable of love.
...but she wasn't...
And that absolutely confounded him.
But...
It also filled him with something akin to hope.
Which was why he'd had no remorse or hesitation in bringing her to this place.
It was for her own good, really.
To protect and preserve this light inside of her, and keep the monster at bay.
“Hey, Johan..?” He heard this lightly whispered from behind him as he gave a faint hum of acknowledgment. “Do you think we use to do this when we were kids..?” Nina asked. “Before we were separated.” And when Johan didn't say anything, she went on to explain. “Sneak into each other's beds in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep.” She said, and Johan couldn't help the faint-almost sad-little smile that shaped his lips.
“All the time, little sister.” Johan whispered. “I'm certain of it.” And Nina seemed to let out what sounded like a happy, contented sigh.
“I'd like to think so, too.” She replied, snuggling against him.
“Can I ask you something..?” Johan murmured quietly, his eyes still fixated on the darkness as he spoke.
“Of course you can.” Nina gently coaxed in a tender voice, sounding almost happy that he wanted to talk.
“How did you learn to do this..?” He asked, seeming at a loss for words before he began again. “Where did you learn to be so...comforting..?” To his relief, his sister seemed to understand what he was asking as he felt her fingers run themselves through his hair again in a soothing pattern.
“Well, my mom was always so incredibly kind.” Nina slowly began, and Johan mentally nodded to this as he listened.
Johan could see right from the very beginning that Mrs. Fortner had been the heart of the old couple. The Fortner's kindness had been the most decisive factor when Johan had finally decided to leave Nina with them. When Johan had found Nina again-and made the unfortunate decision to have her adoptive parents murdered-he really had tried his hardest to leave Nina with as many fond-and vague-memories of them as he deemed safe.
“But lately...it's been Bastian who's filled that spot.” Nina said this almost reluctantly to him, her words slower and more carefully chosen now. “On really bad nights-” She paused, hesitating before beginning again. “when I'd wake up from my night-terrors-” This came in some explanation of what she meant as Nina continued. “-well-” Johan felt her sigh against the back of his neck, sensing her sullen mood over the current situation with her boyfriend. “Bastian was always there to hold me, you know?” Johan actually nodded this time, though he didn't say anything as he felt his sister wrap one of her arms around him. “Bastian was there to hold me when I needed it, and it helped, Johan. It really did.” She whispered to him. “And now I'm here to hold you because I think it will help you like it helped me.” Nina murmured quietly in a tender voice. “You're not alone anymore, brother.”
“I'm sorry...” Johan lightly whispered into the silence, causing his sister's fingers to pause through his hair before he continued. “about Bastian.” He clarified, the name of his sister's boyfriend causing an audible sigh to push through Nina's nose.
It was a lie.
Of course it was.
Johan wasn't at all sorry for what had transpired between his sister and her boyfriend. Not even a little. Bastian's inaction had only made it that much easier for Johan to convince Nina to come here with him. Honestly, even though he'd done his part to cleverly orchestrate the whole event, Johan found he couldn't have planned this fallout any better. But Johan knew, in this moment with his sister, an apology was the most reasonable sentiment he could offer to her.
He knew she had been hurt, after all. It was normal to offer condolences.
“It's fine, Johan.” Nina breathed behind him, sounding so very exhausted now. “And you know it wasn't your fault, right..?” She said again, like all the other times when he'd apologized to her. “What happened between me and Bastian.”
“...I know...” Johan whispered quietly. “But I'm still sorry.” He softly repeated to her, interjecting sincerity into his voice.
“You don't need to worry about that, though.” Nina replied in a soft voice as her fingers went back to playing with his hair.
Johan nodded against his pillow and her fingertips.
He knew that Nina didn't want him worrying about her when she was so wholly convinced he had his own problems to deal with. That's why they'd come here in the first place, or so she thought. To help him. So the last thing she wanted to do was burden him with her own personal struggles. She was so selfless that way.
“Besides-” Nina whispered quietly in the darkness. “everything will work out, I'm sure of it.” She said this with such certainty. “Because you have me. And I have you.” This fell from her petal lips in a soft hum. “We're not alone. We'll always have each other, Johan. No matter what.”
“...like we're the only two people left in the world...” Johan uttered in a breathless whisper as he felt Nina hug him with her arm a little more tightly.
Nothing else was said after that. And this silence felt so strangely peaceful. So weightless, like floating in water. Johan allowed himself to just be, floating weightless in the arm his sister had draped over him-as his eyes slid shut. The last time he remembered feeling like this, they had been children running away across the border, and they'd ended up falling asleep in a field of flowers.
...Johan never thought he'd be able to feel that way again...
“...Johan..?” Nina's voice came in a soft, almost tentative whisper, and Johan merely responded with a faint little hum to let her know he'd heard her. “Who's Anna..?”
Johan froze as his eyes violently snapped back open. Nina must have sensed this, because she continued to talk.
“It's just...” She whispered hesitantly. “I heard you screaming her name in your sleep.”
Well that certainly wasn't part of the plan, now was it-Johan silently chastised himself.
The monster inside of him cruelly sniggered at this precarious situation-a powder-keg ready to explode with just a single, careless spark.
Johan would need to speak with Bonaparta about keeping Nina under better guard.
In the mean time, it was in his sister's best interest if he just kept silent and allowed her to remain curious about this. So while Nina patiently waited for an answer, Johan melted into the mattress and pretended to have fallen asleep. When he heard a faint sigh from behind him, he couldn't help the little curve of his lips. Nina was smart. Very smart. And she probably suspected that he was faking, and was irritated. But he continued to pretend anyway, because he knew she was also too considerate to push the matter any further. For tonight, at least, this house of cards would stand firm.
And soon...
Very soon...
Nina's curiosity over Anna would cease to matter all together.