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He never stayed the night. It was a boundary he could not cross. He barely slept as it was, what difference did it make if he took the bus a couple of stops back to his place, or walked half an hour if the bus was no longer running. It did not matter how late it was. Staying the night was not an option. Not because Camilla never offered. In the beginning she had been very insistent. At this point however she just shook her head when he packed up his things and made to leave. “You know the offer stands, right?” she’d say. He’d smile and nod, before pulling on his boots and wishing her a good night.
On this particular night, as he waited for the bus in the icy cold he looked back over his shoulder at Cam’s apartment building. Her place didn’t face the street, so he couldn’t see her windows, but it was as if he could still feel her presence. Now that he thought about it he could remember two occasions on which he had stayed the night, though those didn’t count, he felt. Both times they had stayed up the whole night. Once to study and another time because they had simply gotten lost in the conversation and by the time it was 4 am Palamedes had decided he might as well stay until the bus went again an hour later. Yes, that didn’t count. The thing he couldn’t allow himself to do was to stay the night and sleep. His heart beat faster just to think about it. To sleep in Cam’s apartment was unthinkable. He almost shivered at the thought that he would lay on her comfortable couch and simply fall asleep while Camilla was just a room away in her bedroom. Or worse, she would argue with him and make him take her bed while she slept on the couch. God, sleeping where she slept would simply kill him.
He didn’t even know why. It wasn’t as though they had never shared an apartment, or even a room before. They’d lived together during their master’s. But that was precisely the reason Palamedes had convinced Camilla to get an apartment by herself now that they were doing their PhDs. He already asked so much of her, took up so much of her time and had nothing to give her in return for her troubles. It was better this way, even if he still spent way too much time in her living room. No, sleeping over would just mean that he would want that all the time and that was not allowed.
He made it to his apartment block after a 15 minute bus ride and found the front door still broken. He’d emailed the landlord about it last week, but had gotten no response and so he pushed it open with a sigh and took the elevator up to the fifth floor. He rummaged around his pockets for his keys. Where had he put them? Probably his backpack. He dug around in there, used his phone torch to get a better look when his search turned up nothing. He ended up dumping all the contents on the floor. The hallway light flickered and turned off. He fumbled around for the light switch and promptly tripped over the backpack. Incredible. When the light was back on and he sat with his back leaning against the apartment door, he had to admit that his keys were not there. Either he’d lost them or just forgotten them in the flat when he’d pulled the door closed this morning. He checked the time. Past midnight. Getting someone to open the door for him at this hour would cost an unreasonable sum. Nevermind reaching his landlord. Fuck. Before he knew it he had unlocked his phone and pulled up Camilla’s contact. He hesitated a moment before he called. It rang once, twice, three times and he considered just hanging up and camping out in front of his apartment door for the night, when she finally picked up on the fourth ring.
“Palamedes? Are you okay?” her voice sounded concerned and far too awake.
“I’m fine, Cam. Only I’ve gone and lost my keys. I’m in front of my apartment and I can’t get in,” he said.
In response he heard a sigh that sounded relieved. Then some rustling before she said. “Oh dear. What time is it? Oh yeah, if you run you might catch the last bus.”
“Catch the bus?” he asked, confused.
“Back to mine. You can crash here and we can figure out the key situation tomorrow.”
“Cam, are you sure that’s…”
She interrupted him “You’re not sleeping on your doorstep, Sextus. Now go, you’ve got a bus to catch.”
By the time he made it to Camilla’s place his fingers and his mind felt numb. It was icy cold, and he was tired, but more than that he felt a mix of shame and guilt at his imposition. And he knew that Camilla wouldn’t offer anything that she wasn’t willing and able to give. He really did know that. Normally. But in this instance what was she supposed to do? He’d called her. Like she said, it wasn’t like he could sleep on his doorstep.
When she opened her apartment door she looked him over and then pulled him inside by his jacket sleeve.
“You look awful. You must be freezing, come in. Do you want a shower to warm up?”
“I’m fine Cam. Thanks for allowing me to come back.” He cringed at how formal that sounded. She gave him a Look that definitely meant Something, but he couldn’t figure out what. He felt a little flustered. “Shower would be nice,” he said finally and she nodded.
“I’ll get you a towel.”
When he was stood under the warm spray of the shower he let himself relax a little. It was just for a night, and it was out of his control, really. It wouldn’t happen again, but for tonight he could simply be grateful for his friend’s hospitality. He almost used Camilla’s shower gel, but when he opened it the scent was so Camilla that he felt a little dizzy. It smelled pleasantly like ginger and citrus. The idea of smelling like Cam was again, much too intimate. He put it back, grabbing a bar of soap instead.
When he exited the bathroom, towel tied around his waist Camilla was scrolling on her laptop and when she looked up at him an unreadable expression came over her face. “I’ve laid some sleep clothes out for you in the bedroom, if you want to change into those,” was all she said, before turning back to her screen.
“Camilla?”
She looked up, expression a little less controlled now, but still unreadable.
“Thank you.”
She nodded.
He closed the bedroom door behind him and turned to find a pair of pyjama pants and a T-Shirt that, upon closer inspection, turned out to be merch from a local film festival that had taken place about four years ago. They’d gone together to see a few films that all managed to be among the worst movies either of them had ever seen. They had not bought any merch and left early to go hang out in their student accommodations. About half a year later Cam had found this shirt at a thrift shop and decided to buy it ironically. Silly. Sometimes her sense of humour surprised her. He smiled to himself and slipped the shirt over his head. Then he pulled on the pyjama pants and looked more closely at the pattern. They were dark purple with small pink hearts all over them and they were incredibly soft. He’d never seen Cam wear them, so he wondered where they’d come from.
She’d also laid some socks out for him that he put on. They were even softer than the pants. He’d had no idea they made socks like this. They were fuzzy and had little dog or cat ears that stuck out over the cuffs, and a little face on the cuff itself. He expected to feel a little silly at the sight of that, but felt strangely comfortable. He was warm and protected from the cold and he realised that Cam must have purposefully picked warm clothes for him because she knew he was always cold. She was so, so kind, his heart ached a little. He pulled himself together and walked back into the living room.
“Thanks for lending me these, they’re very comfortable.” He gestured to his body.
“Hope they’re okay,” she smiled. “Are you ready to go to sleep then?”
“Yes. If you could lend me a blanket and perhaps a pillow, I’ll set up camp on the couch, if that’s alright.”
“Palamedes?” Camilla said carefully.
“Cam?” he asked uncertainly.
“Palamedes. You know I could never tell you what to do and I would never want to make you uncomfortable. So you can refuse what I’m about to suggest, but if you refuse just because you’re being Nice, then I want to at least know that. Are we clear?”
“Of course,” he said. He felt strangely calm. Camilla would never make him uncomfortable on purpose. And her suggestions were usually very good.
“Why don’t we both just sleep in my bed? The couch is uncomfortable and I’m not that selfless to offer to sleep on the couch while you take the bed. The bed is big, you’ve seen it, it won’t make a difference to me if we both sleep in there.” Her expression looked tight, although she kept her voice even.
This was an interesting suggestion he thought dimly, purely because he was so sure he had predicted this interaction accurately, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. After all these years Cam still surprised him and he felt oddly glad for it.
“Alright,” he found himself saying, before he could think better of it.
Cam’s expression relaxed and she looked surprised. “Alright,” she repeated. “Alright. Let me get changed.”
He went to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed while he waited for Cam to get changed in the bathroom.
“Pick whichever side you want, I don’t have a preference,” she said when she came in and Palamedes crawled under the covers on the side closer to the door and lay on his back. Cam climbed in on the other side and asked “Okay to turn off the lights?”
“Yeah.” He didn’t dare to look at her. His heart was pounding.
The room went dark. They whispered their goodnights and Palamedes rolled over to face away from Camilla. It always took him ages to fall asleep, he had made his peace with that a long time ago. He listened to Cam’s even breathing behind him and thought about her kindness to let him stay and before he knew it, it was morning.
He felt around the bedside table for his glasses and his phone. He knew the instant he awoke that he was in Cam’s bed and still, when he looked over to her side of the bed, it was startling to see her there. She was already awake, propped up on one elbow and scrolling through her phone. One of the straps of her tank top had slid down her left arm, exposing her shoulder. He looked away.
“Morning,” she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice and when he looked up at her, he felt a little dizzy meeting her gaze.
“Good morning,” he said and his voice came out like a croak. She snorted, but not unkindly.
He grabbed his phone and checked the time. 10:41 am.
“Christ, I have a meeting with my advisor in an hour!” He hadn’t planned on sleeping this late. He never slept later than 8 am, because his body rejected sleep and would not let him.
“Oh shit,” Camilla said sympathetically.
“Gonna have to take care of the key situation later and go straight to the meeting. Fuck.”
“You’ve got time to get there and even have breakfast. You know it’s not far from here.”
“True,” he sighed, relaxing a little. “I was just hoping to get changed before I go, and not show up in yesterday’s clothes.”
“Just borrow something of mine,” Cam said easily. “Anything you want.”
This is how it happened that they had breakfast and then stood in front of Cam’s wardrobe, while Palamedes ran his fingers across the different fabrics.
“Ooh, this one’s a fun texture,” he said, brushing over what seemed to be a black velvet shirt.
“Feel free to take that and keep it, to be honest, I hate the texture,” she laughed and it sounded like a creek running pleasantly down a mountain.
He pulled the shirt out of the closet and held it up. It unfolded neatly and turned out to be either a very long shirt or a very short dress. Unclear. It had a high neck with a small collar and the sleeves were long and puffy.
“Is this a shirt or…” he trailed off.
“On me it’s more of a long shirt, because I can’t bend over in this without my entire butt showing,” she explained.
That made sense. He shrugged and asked to try it on.
“Go ahead. I think it would look good with the black pants you were wearing yesterday.”
She left the room to give him privacy and he took off his sleep shirt to pull the not-dress over his head. It looked funny with the purple pyjama pants, so he pulled those off and looked himself over in the mirror. The velvet fabric came down to slightly above the middle of his thighs. He turned a little and examined himself from the side. He blushed, unsure why. It certainly looked like he was wearing a dress and he liked the look of it. When he looked down at his legs he couldn’t help but notice how hairy they were. That too made him blush. He was still wearing the silly cat socks. He stepped further back from the mirror and looked at himself from the corner of his eye to try and imagine what it would be like if a stranger who didn’t know him saw this getup. He looked. Hmm. Interesting. His stomach felt strange. Did this look weird? He looked. Pretty? The heat rose to his face so fast he heard the blood pound in his ears.
“Does it fit?” Cam shouted from outside the bedroom.
“One minute,” he yelled back, coming back to himself. He hurriedly put his pants on, because maybe that would make things better. He gave himself one last look in the mirror, before opening the door.
“What do you… Ohh!” Camilla was nodding. “Do you like it? I think you look cool!”
“I don’t look… Thanks,” he said a little tightly. He was still blushing, but Camilla was beaming at him and nodding still.
“Wow! You should try out more of my clothes sometime, this fits you great,” she laughed gently. Then, more seriously:”Do you feel comfortable? You can always choose something different, if not.”
“I feel. Good?” It came out as a question and he almost rolled his eyes at himself. “Do I look like I’m a serious academic?”
“So serious,” she nodded enthusiastically and he smiled.
He packed up his things, thanked Camilla again for coming to his rescue and made his way to uni. On the bus he felt a little self-conscious. He kept trying to resist the urge to pull at the hem of the not-dress or fiddling with the sleeves. He expected to be stared at, but no one seemed to take notice of him and by the time he made it to his uni building, he felt much more at ease. No one would say anything here. People here wore all sorts of things. He arrived just in time for his appointment, which went pretty well. His advisor was pleased with his progress and gave some helpful pointers for his research. Afterwards he felt so inspired, he decided to hit the library. He got so lost in his books and papers that he completely forgot the time. Only when Gideon Nav and Harrowhark Nonagesimus showed up at his desk did he realise that about five hours had passed.
“Palamedes!” Nav said grinning.
“Sextus,” Harrow stated, more reserved. The two of them were perfect for each other. Gideon was a sweet person, if a little vulgar sometimes, and Harrow was a little bit of a big time bitch, but in a good way. He was fond of them.
“Let me guess: you’ve been here since the place opened and you forgot to eat?” Gideon asked.
“Not quite, but if you two hadn’t shown up, I’d certainly be here until they kicked me out.” He ran a hand through his hair and yawned.
“Research?” Harrow asked.
“That’s how it started. At this point I’m reading an article aboooout…,” he squinted at his laptop. “Oh yeah, hermit crabs. Not entirely sure how I got there.”
“Oh for goodness’ sake, Sextus, take a break,” Harrow said pissily. He smiled.
“Woah, what are you wearing, Pal?” Gideon asked. “Looks cool!”
He blushed. “It’s Camilla’s. I had to borrow some clothes from her, because of an emergency.”
“A fashion emergency?” Gideon snorted. “Because this looks way cooler than what you normally wear, no offence.” She held up her hands placatingly.
“Thanks,” he said drily.
“Go on then, get up. Let’s see the whole thing!” Gideon clapped twice, which earned them Looks from the other tables.
He got up with a sigh and spread out his arms a little.
“Nice!” Gideon held out her hand for a high-five, and he reluctantly obliged her. “What do you think, Harrow?”
“Hect should dress you more often,” Harrow replied evenly, her face unreadable as usual.
“Well,” Palamedes said helplessly. “I should get going. I have some things to sort out.”
Nav clapped him on the shoulder amicably and they said their goodbyes.
Palamedes made his way to the vending machines and tried to call his landlord. No reply. He got a granola bar out of a vending machine and tried again. This time the landlord picked up, but it turned out he was out of town for the day. Palamedes said fine, he would just get a locksmith to pick the lock, but the landlord was weird about that. Apparently the last time this had happened with one of his tenants, the locksmith had broken the lock and it had had to be replaced. Couldn’t he wait until tomorrow? That way he saved both of them a lot of hassle and money. Then he hung up, before Palamedes could really argue with him. Defeated he ate his granola bar and stared into space. What was he supposed to do now?
“just sleep at mine again :)” Camilla responded when he texted her. He sighed. She was typing again. “wanted to hang out anyway. have something for ya”
His heart beat faster. After a moment he collected himself and typed out: “Okay, thank you Cam.”
On his way over to Cam’s place he made sure to pick up takeout from her favourite bowl place. It was the least he could do.
“Hell yes, are those bowls?” Cam asked when she opened the door. “You’re a lifesaver, I’m starving!”
They sat down to eat and Camilla turned on her speakers. “Nav texted me earlier, saying she and Harrow ran into you.”
“Yeah, library,” he said, mouth full. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was until he got food for them.
“Ew. Okay if I play some music?” she asked and he nodded. Cam had good taste in music. It slapped, as Nav liked to say.
They made very little conversation over dinner, just savouring the food and each other’s company.
“So,” Palamedes said, helping Cam clear the table. “You said you had something for me?” he asked carefully.
“Oh my goodness, yes!” she exclaimed, grabbing his hand and pulling him along to the bedroom. “I sorted through more of my closet and found some other stuff that I think would look cool on you, if you’re open to trying on some stuff. It’s all things I don’t wear, really.”
“Oh, thanks, Cam.” He smiled. His heart fluttered and he felt a little dizzy.
She turned on the light and gestured at some clothes that were laid out on the bed.
“Feel free to try out whichever ones you like, I can wait outside while you get changed.”
“You can stay and just turn around if you want,” Palamedes said, heart beating faster now. It was silly, he would be in underwear, it wasn’t like there would be anything to see, and yet he felt strangely coy. Cam nodded. He grabbed a blue dress with little pink flowers on it and held it up in front of him. It seemed pretty long with short sleeves and it had a slight ruffle at the bottom.
“I was thinking this would look good if you wear it with pants as well or some thick tights and then a sweater on top,” Cam explained. “Here, you can borrow this white one.” She handed him a plain, baggy white sweater that looked very soft. Then she turned to face away dutifully around after he nodded.
He kept his pants on and took off the other not-dress. The blue fabric of the new dress felt soft and stretchy and he felt so cosy and comfortable in the white sweater.
“Alright,” he said and Cam turned around.
“Wow, you look so,” she gesticulated. “Soft!”
“Thanks?” he asked, unsure.
“In a really good and nice way. You also just look very cool. Have you looked?”
He turned to the mirror and was taken aback for a moment. He did look soft. And cool. And also. Hmm. More like himself, somehow. This was the first time he’d ever worn a dress and it was weird but really nice.
“You could also try taking off the sweater and also the pants underneath to see how you like it as a summer look,” Cam suggested. “Only if you’re comfortable with that, of course. Whatever you want.”
He nodded. “Yeah.” His head was spinning. The way the ruffles moved at his calves was mesmerising. “Yeah, alright.” He took off his pants and the sweater and holy shit. Holy shit. He looked in the mirror. Pretty.
“Oh my goodness! You look great!” Camilla exclaimed when she turned around to face him again. He blushed. “Do you like it?” she asked.
“Yeah. Cam. I think I like it.” He blushed harder. “A lot.”
“Cool!” she beamed.
“Do you… Can I have a hug?” he asked looking at her forehead instead of meeting her eyes.
“Of course!” She hugged him tight and they held each other for a long moment. His heart was pounding, but Cam’s embrace was comforting and fortifying. He let go reluctantly and it felt like the feeling was mutual. She held him at arm's length for a moment. Then, very carefully, as if trying not to startle him, as if he were some sort of animal, she reached a hand up to his hair. She moved some strands around and finally rested her hand on his shoulder, looking right into his eyes. He looked back, suddenly very aware of his hands lingering on her waist. Her face was so hard to read in this moment. She rubbed tiny circles into his shoulder. They weren’t the most physically close friends generally, but they had little moments like this from time to time and he was usually the one to break away. He swallowed, but didn’t look away even if it took everything he had.
“You alright, Pal?” Camilla asked, her expression a little worried.
“I’m… yeah. It’s just a lot to take in,” he said honestly.
“Right. You mean the dress, or…?” she asked, not letting go. He held her gaze.
“Everything,” he admitted and she nodded. “It’s… good though. Just takes some getting used to,” he added. “Also I never realised how hairy my legs are.”
“Honestly, I think that adds to it,” she smiled.
“You think so? I kind of feel like I would maybe shave them, if I wore a dress in the summer. Don’t know why. I know it’s not a requirement, but I’ve never tried it, so it could be, I don’t know. Fun?” He scratched his forehead awkwardly, but Cam brightened.
“Of course! I have an unused razor from when I used to shave my legs, if you feel like trying that now.”
He considered. It was an intriguing idea and if it looked very silly no one would have to know because it wasn’t shorts season. Not that he wore shorts ever, really. Yes, why not?
Shaving your legs wasn’t that different from shaving your face in terms of technique, except that it was so much more involved and tedious. It took a while, and then when he thought he was done, he realised he had missed a patch. It was messy. When he finally came out of Cam’s nice, well lit bathroom he collapsed on the bed.
“That was a lot of work,” he sighed and Cam smiled. His heart ached and he looked at the ceiling.
“Have you rubbed your legs together yet? Sounds weird, but try it.”
Once he got over the smoothness and the weird feeling of not having a ton of hair on his legs he took another look at himself in the mirror. He looked weird, but not bad. Not bad at all. He just wasn’t used to it.
“Wow, all of this kind of took it out of me,” he admitted.
“It’s late,” she supplied. “Bed?”
He nodded.
They got ready for bed together. The whole time his heart was pounding. Something about the atmosphere had changed. Palamedes felt nervous and he wasn’t sure why. They had shared a bed the night before, it was no different now. Technically. Except that Cam kept looking at him in this particular way. Maybe he was imagining it. He knew her well, though, so probably not. He felt nervous, but there was something thrilling about it too. He had broken his rule about never staying over so thoroughly the previous night. And yet it didn’t feel like a transgression. Or like he was overstepping. Maybe it even felt like Cam wanted him there. His heart ached at the thought that he would wake up tomorrow and find her there. He didn’t allow himself to linger on the bitter thought that tomorrow he would go back to his own flat. It didn’t matter right now. Nothing existed outside this apartment. Tomorrow wasn’t real and tonight would last forever.
When they had settled into bed, he felt way too awake to sleep and yet there was a tiredness tugging at him. His heart hurt and he looked at the ceiling desperately. The sheets smelled like her. He felt so warm and safe. God. He rolled over to face Camilla, just to find her already turned towards him.
“Hi,” he whispered into the dark. Her features were coming into focus more and more as his eyes adjusted to the dark.
“Hi,” she whispered back. “Nice to have a little sleepover with you. Sorry that you can’t access your apartment. I do have to say it’s nice to have you here, so I’m not too sorry about it.”
His heart clenched almost painfully. “It’s good to be here. I like… Your bed. So I’m not too sorry either.” He smiled and she giggled softly. Was she nervous too? It made him a little bolder. “I don’t know why we’ve never done this before, it’s nice.”
She laughed a little again. “I’ve offered before, you know?”
He laughed too. “I’m, how do I say this?” his heart beat fast in his chest and he felt reckless and drunk off the moment and off his sleepiness. “Repressed,” he said finally.
She snorted wetly, which was sort of gross, but still so endearing. “Don’t I know it?” she said not unkindly.
“It’s true. You have to put up with a lot, don’t you,” he said only half-joking. She gave him a look that was so, so fond. “Camilla,” he sighed and before he could think better of it, he reached out a hand and very clumsily placed it on her cheek. She blinked rapidly and then before he really knew what was happening, she pushed herself forward, enveloping him in a tight hug. His face got squished into her bare shoulder and he wrapped his free arm around her unthinkingly. She pushed her face into his hair and ran her hand all over his back.
“Palamedes,” she whispered fervently and he clung to her tighter. She was shaking a little, or maybe it was him who was shaking. He felt like he was drowning in the best way. He was so aware of his nose being pressed into her bare skin. Was this allowed? Could he enjoy this? Was he permitted to relax for one single second and enjoy his best friend, his companion for years now holding him, grasping at him like she herself was drowning? “Please,” she whispered.
“What is it?” he whispered urgently.
“Please, anything, Palamedes. I don’t want to push you. Just where do we stand? What is okay?”
“Hey, slow down.” He rubbed her back soothingly. “It’s hard to explain. Cam, I’m…”
“Ace, I know, Pal. So am I,” she interrupted.
“Yes, but I’m still. How do I say this?” A frustrated noise escaped his throat. He needed to be very clear right now, he realised. “I’m still attracted to you, even if it’s not like that,” he said finally.
“What are you saying?” she asked, desperation filtering into her voice.
It was like something in his chest was guiding him. He needed to lay it all out. Or try to. Things he didn’t even allow himself to think most of the time. She needed clarity and he could give her that. “I’m saying that I want to be close to you. Always. When you smile at me, I want to hug you, and when we’re lying in bed together I want to hold you, or be held by you. Doesn’t matter how you touch me, whatever you want, Cam, I want you to know you can have it.”
“Palamedes…” her voice sounded hoarse. She pulled away a little and her expression was more vulnerable than he had ever seen it.
“I can be more clear than that, if it’s helpful. If it’s cuddling you want, or just holding hands, or kissing, or hugging, or sex, or just sitting close together.” He shoved his face into her shoulder again to hide a little from the intensity of the moment and she pulled him close. “Anything Cam,” he continued. “Anything would be good and none of it is required, but I would appreciate any of these things. I trust you and I feel so, so comfortable around you.” He was definitely shaking at this point. He didn’t regret what he said though. Cam needed to hear this and that made him braver.
“God, Palamedes,” she whispered. Her hands were running desperately across his back and into his hair again. His heart pounded and he felt like he was going to pass out. “Please,” she said. “Can I…?” she pulled back a little and placed her hand at the back of his head questioningly, making him shiver. Their eyes met and it hit him with full force that this was happening. He could have this. She wanted him back.
“Whatever you want,” he replied, voice cracking a little.
She pulled him closer and then carefully, so carefully pressed her mouth to his once, twice, before she pulled away to look into his eyes. Then she surged forward again and kissed him more fiercely. He responded just as eagerly and neither of them were expert kissers, it seemed, but it was beautiful and a little messy and it made his heart feel like it was going to burst. Her mouth was so soft. How had they never done this before? God, how had he ever not held her close? God, he hoped he wouldn’t try to back out. This was real. It was real and maybe he could let himself have this. Maybe.