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The house was empty, a barren cavern filled with memories of what used to be a happy, loving family. It was secluded from the rest of the neighborhood, yet close enough if he needed to retreat back to the others. No one knew about this place, it was perfect.
Or so he thought.
Matt was checking up on his hidden stash of supplies when the back door to the house creaked open. He froze at the noise, unsure of what could be waiting for him on the other side of the house. He figured it was Smitty coming to bring him more updates, or maybe Puffer finally found his hideout.
He wasn’t expecting to come face-to-face with the shorter, red-haired male he’s been avoiding like the plague. He feels his mouth start to dry and tries to lick his lips before he speaks, trying to prepare himself for the conversation he’s been dreading. Theo picks up on small details better than anyone else in the group, of course, he would’ve realized Matt had a secret base. And of course, Theo would’ve realized Matt was fighting a battle that only he himself could win alone. Matt despised the man standing in front of him, arms crossed at his chest, leaning against the door frame with a cocky smirk on his face.
“Well, what a cute little place you have here! Mind if I stay and have some tea, or maybe a cup of coffee? Why the hell are you over here, anyways?” Theo greets the taller man sarcastically, crossing the room to sit on one of the wooden chairs in the dining room.
“Theo how the fuck did you find me, actually, don’t fucking answer that, you weasel. I know damn well you’ve been watching me, haven’t you? Of course, you have. Look, what do you want? You wanna rat me out to the others? Gonna steal some of my supplies? Hmm?” The taller man refused to sit down at the table, instead choosing to lean against the kitchen counter a few feet away.
The two sit in silence for a few moments. Matt doesn’t usually care about the lack of noise, but he can feel his gut tying itself into knots over the anticipation of what the other man could say. He was unable to predict Theo’s actions, let alone try to guess what he was going to say next. It made him jealous, craving that unpredictability and stealthiness for himself. Instead, he was loud and brash, quick to anger and so very predictable. Yet another thing he was fighting himself about.
Finally, Theo broke the silence, but Matt wished he hadn’t.
”You know, Matt, redemption is only granted to those who are worthy enough for it, otherwise the word holds no weight anymore. The only question is, how do you know if your actions are worthy of redemption?”
The blonde doesn’t respond, his mouth opened slightly in a state of speechless shock. This was not the topic he thought they would be discussing.
Theo continued speaking, his voice gradually getting louder. “How can you repent for your sins in a world full of sinners? Or how about this one; how can you redeem yourself for the injuries you’ve caused to John and Smitty? The pain you’ve caused to the others? Got an answer for me, yet?!”
The red-haired man doesn’t give Matt time to respond. His words are flowing out of his mouth like a river in a torrential downpour.
“It’s funny, when good and bad cross paths on a daily basis, the lines blur a bit in the middle, causing confusion about what makes someone...worthy, right? it's a challenging path to wander in life, constantly having to question your morals, your friendships, your thoughts, your actions,” Theo pauses once more, making direct eye contact with Matt. “ Yourself . it's tiring, isn't it? You keep acting like you’re this giant, vicious guard dog who only cares about himself, but I see through you, Matt.”
Matt shuffles awkwardly on his feet, suddenly feeling smaller than a pebble under his boot. He hates this feeling creeping up his spine, digging its claws into his lungs and causing his breaths to shorten. And yet, he doesn’t reply. He knows he’s in the wrong here, he has been this entire time and he knows it deep in his bones. But admitting it means losing his purpose in the group.
“Your shitty little rule, I heard about it a bit ago and thought it was just some joke but no. You were serious about that, weren’t you? “No forming connections” as if it’s some big bad wolf you have to avoid. Newsflash, fucker, you’re not immune to human emotion. As much as you want to pretend like you’re this cold-hearted sociopath with a lust for blood and power, it’s just a mask you’re putting on to hide your real feelings. You can’t keep hiding like this, dude, you’re gonna end up killing yourself.”
That’s the final straw that makes Matt snap. “YEAH? WELL, WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH? IF YOU THINK I’M JUST PUTTING UP AN ACT THEN WHY BOTHER TALKING TO ME, BITCH? JUST PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD AND CALL IT A DAY AT THIS RATE, JESUS CHRIST.”
Theo waits patiently as Matt starts storming around the room, wanting to take out his weapon and aim it at the red-haired man but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he slams the butt of his pistol into the wall, creating a dent.
“This is why I won’t do that, Matt. You need people in your life to survive, even if they’re an enemy. I don’t mind being the bad guy in your narrative as long as you start to fucking realize how much damage you’re causing to yourself, to the group, to me, to Puffer .”
The mention of their group’s self-proclaimed leader causes Matt’s head to jerk suddenly over to Theo. He can feel his pulse racing through his veins, fight or flight kicking into overdrive but ultimately neither wins. He’s frozen in a state of anger. Angry at Theo, angry at the world, angry at the group, angry at himself.
Matt suddenly drops his weapon and slinks down the wall, his legs collapsing underneath the weight of his worries. His head feels heavy, resting it in his hands as he tries to make himself as small as possible. Theo doesn’t react. The shorter man stays in his chair and waits. He’ll wait as long as he needs to in order to hear Matt admit what he needs to say.
Surprisingly, Theo doesn’t have to wait as long as he thought. The voice comes out as a small whisper.
“I don’t wanna be myself, just wanna be someone else. This…it’s making me so unwell, Theo…”
Admission. The first step to repentance. After hearing these words, Theo gets up and joins Matt on the floor, close enough to provide a sense of comfort, yet far enough away to give the other man some space as he finally, finally , lets his walls down for once.
The blonde keeps talking, his voice slightly muffled by the hands covering his face. “I thought I could be an exception, I didn’t need anyone. There was no need to form bonds with people, especially not in this shithole world we’re stuck in now. I…I didn’t want to be myself, I needed to know I could survive on my own. I wanted to leave you fuckers behind so many times but…I just couldn’t do it.”
Matt finally lifts his head, silent tears streaking his scarred face. “I fucked up big time, didn’t I?”
Theo can’t help but let his thoughts show through on his face. His eyebrows drop and he unclenches his jaw, realizing there’s no fight to be had here. Matt was a broken man and he wanted that redemption. He wants to be someone else so he doesn’t have to face his own thoughts.
“Matt, I mean, I won’t lie to you and say you’re a freaking saint but, you definitely could’ve been a better person to the others. And to yourself, too. But, you’re realizing this isn’t good for you and that’s what I care about.” Theo pauses to reach a hesitant hand out to brush away a stray tear from the older man’s cheek.
“You can still earn your redemption, darling. It may be a tough process, but I know the others want you as part of the group, even if you’ve done some awful shit to them.”
The blonde can’t help himself when he leans into the touch, it had been a long time since anyone had been this caring, this gentle with him. It was a foreign concept but it didn’t mean he wasn’t craving more of it. “What do you mean? How could they want me around after…after what I did to John and Smit. Oh god, Smit can hardly walk some days now because of me . There’s no way he doesn’t wanna kill me.”
Before Matt could spiral further, Theo rested a hand on his own, using his thumb to rub small circles onto the back over various scrapes. “Matt, you know the answer to that, don’t play dumb with me now, magpie. I’ve talked to them, various times over the past few weeks. You’re not the only one who can sneak around and form not-so-hidden alliances in the group.”
Matt stares into Theo’s eyes briefly, dark chocolate orbs meeting hazel green.
“You sly motherfucker, there’s more to you than I thought,” Matt replies with his usual smirk plastered on his face once more. The heavy weight of living has finally been lifted off his chest. He gives Theo a slight shove, a playful one to show a sign of silent respect since he’s still too proud of himself to admit it out loud just yet.
The two men fall back into silence, it falls over them like a comforting blanket. They sit there a wait until Matt asks if the shorter man is hungry and begins to dig through his stash of supplies for something the two of them can eat. Theo can’t help but smile over the fact that Matt is willing to share his supplies, the ones he’s been storing secretly for so long.
Redemption can be a slow process to go through, but when you have people backing you up and helping you work through your mistakes, it can be a worthwhile process. Theo knows this for himself, and he’s glad he was able to make Matt realize the path he was going down before he had to relive the effects of another saint lost to the void of their own thoughts.