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Useless.
Was the first thing Kaeya thought as he sat on the second floor of Angel’s Share, choosing a table that was somewhat hidden and private. A few empty bottles of wine stood on the table next to him. He stared blankly at the wall, fidgeting with his fingers as he laid his head on the table.
Kaeya couldn't understand why he felt so incredibly useless, whether it be for his lover or his brother, maybe for everyone he knew— Kaeya simply felt utterly useless.
The day went well, Kaeya did his duties with the Knights of Favonius and helped everyone there. He made sure that his beloved husband ate and took care of themself while they stayed in the mountains. He made sure to check on Diluc even if it wasn't a lot, yet he still felt so useless.
And now, here he is, at 18:00, drinking away his problems as if it were normal. He drowned out the sounds of people in the Tavern, choosing to keep to himself and try not to seem as though he was hurting. What good would it be if people saw him in his most depressed state? Nothing, surely.
The cryo holder could feel the tears build up in his eyes, yet they didn't escape. They stayed there, choosing not to flow freely from the man’s eyes as he thought back to everything that made him feel terribly worthless. Was it the lack of care he spared his brother in favor of caring for his husband? Or was it the lack of help he gave his brother because he wasn't sure on what to do when the other broke down? He wasn't sure, and he was already so close to crying.
Without a second thought, Kaeya sat up and grabbed the half empty bottle of wine in front of him, quickly downing it with ease. To his luck, no one was on the second floor for the time-being, so he can be as reckless as he wished for now.
“You know, depression and obsession don’t mix well. You have to do better than that, or else you might as well just leave Albedo alone.” He thought, well, heard. Maybe it was his subconsciousness messing with him, it did that often. But, it was right. Depression and Obsession truly don't mix together, it was a surprise that Kaeya somehow managed to keep it under control.
Albeit, maybe that was what the male needed before a tear made its way down his face. Then another, and another, which led to him now fully crying as heavy but quiet sobs racked through him. He tried to keep quiet, truly, but it was hard when the reality of many situations hit him all at once before he could stop.
It was hard, trying to do so much but only receiving little. Though, who was he to beg for more? He managed with getting less than what he deserved, but he’d never admit that, not now not ever. Love wasn't given to him for free, no, it was given when he was obedient and it’s been like that for as long as he could remember.
Could I ever be good enough? Have I always been so terribly useless all this time? Thought Kaeya, his thoughts were louder than what was the actual truth. Maybe Diluc would be better off if I weren't his brother. He has people that can care for him, I’m just... a useless nuisance in his book.
What about Albedo? Surely they deserve better than someone like me, who can’t talk about his feelings or even confide in others out of fear. Albedo would be much happier with someone else, not me.
It was never ending, the self degradation and constant hatred Kaeya gave himself. It’s been a while since he last confided in someone, despite being married and having people who probably ( don’t , he convinced himself) care about him, Kaeya always stuck to himself and let everything build up— putting a facade to help him.
“Kaeya? Darling, are you alright?” Spoke a soft voice, Albedo’s. Had Kaeya not known any better, he would’ve turned the person away and lie— but this was his husband. Maybe he should lie again and let it tear him apart in silence.
Taking a quick deep breath, Kaeya smiled and looked at the blonde, “I’ll be fine. You know me, I always bounce back before you know it.” He didn't mean to sound apathetic, but he had just finished crying and it was hard not to.
Staring, Albedo let themself take a good look at their husband before sighing. “You know, Diluc told me to stop by because he heard you crying. He was going to ask you himself if you’d like for him to call me, but he knew you would deny it and decided to wait a bit before sending a message.”
Of course, he should have known that Diluc would’ve pulled something like this without the other knowing. “Then I suppose I won't be able to keep the truth from you?” Kaeya asked, almost in a whisper.
“No, not really. Although, I can't force you to talk either. You don't have to talk to me but I’ll always listen.” Albedo said, their voice, oh so soft and caring. Kaeya could have almost melted then and there had it not been for him still feeling apathetic and unsure.
Sighing to himself, Kaeya made a motion for Albedo to sit down in front of him. Of course, Albedo didn't oblige and sat on Kaeya’s lap instead, saying that it would be better like this so they could feel more connected to each other.
Kaeya simply wrapped his arms around Albedo’s waist, nestling his face between their shoulder and neck. It was comfortable to them, having always been like this when comforting each other— it was their own thing, and they wouldn't change it for the world.
“I feel useless, love. Diluc had a breakdown a while ago, and I wasn't even sure on how to help him— seeing him cry and look so unsure, worried me yet I couldn't do anything but watch— I felt so… worthless. Like a nuisance.” Kaeya started, feeling the tears prick at his eyes again. Albedo only nodded, playing with the blue hair as they motioned for Kaeya to continue.
The cryo holder nodded before continuing with his rant, “I don't know what happened, but after that happened I came up here to hide. From what? Maybe shame, I’m not sure. Eventually, the guilt had eaten me almost whole way too quickly which led to me having a breakdown myself. It was terribly timed, how could I have a breakdown after Diluc just had one? It’s not fair… he deserved to be comforted and cared for, not have to try and comfort me…” Oh, was he crying again?
Albedo wiped away at Kaeya’s tears, kissing his face softly despite the salty taste being present. “Darling, you’re not useless— you never have been. Not once in the time we have been together have you been useless.”
“I… know, I assume. But, it’s hard. You don't deserve someone like me, you deserve someone so much better. Someone who’s capable of talking to you and being ho—” Kaeya was cut off mid-sentence with an angry kiss to his lips. Before he could reciprocate, Albedo pulled away and a pang of guilt hit Kaeya's heart.
The blonde was crying. This was the first time Kaeya has ever seen his husband cry, and to say he felt extremely guilty was an understatement. Wiping away the others' tears, Kaeya apologized and kissed their face as well.
“You idiot— how could you ever think that? I don't want anyone that’s not you, you’re all I ever need. You’re all I ever want. Damnit Kaeya, you’re not useless either. It can feel like that, but you have done so much for Me, Diluc, The knights— everyone you know. You’ve never been useless to us, nor have you ever been a nuisance. Do you know how much you worry Diluc with how reckless you can be sometimes? It’s a lot, really, and I always have to reassure him that you’re okay.”
Albedo said, catching their breath as they held onto Kaeya. “You’re such an idiot… you’re not useless, darling. You’re so much more than you think, so please give yourself the credit that you owe yourself.”
Before he could reply, Kaeya broke down once again and simply held onto Albedo, whispering ‘ thank you’ and ‘i love you’ to them. They stayed like that for a while, holding each other and sharing sweet words that only the two of them knew the meaning to.
“I love you, my moon”
“As do I, my sun”
It was now roughly 22:30, and Diluc had finally closed the Tavern for the night. Going upstairs, he was about to tell Kaeya and Albedo it was time to go home before stopping himself.
The two of them were asleep, with Kaeya holding onto Albedo tightly as they stayed on the chair. How? Diluc wasn't sure, but he wouldn't comment on it.
Grabbing an extra blanket he had lying around, Diluc covered the two with it before sitting on a chair himself and reading a book silently until the two woke up.
“Diluc? What time is it?”
“It’s 1 in the morning, Kaeya”
“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep-”
“It’s fine, but please, do get home safely.”
“...Alright.”