Chapter Text
“Do you miss them?”
Yan paused from cleaning a blanket in the bucket of water in front of him. A thick silence fell between himself and the other turtle in front of him. Donatello. The purple masked softshell turtle looked at him curiously. The wind continued to bring a chill across the farm they were currently residing at. The snow muffled any other noise that the wild around them could produce.
“What do you mean?”
Yan knew what Donnie meant yet, the other softshell couldn’t bring himself to answer the other turtle. Yan quickly returned to the task at hand, scrubbing the blanket against the washboard. The silence stayed between them for a moment, knowing that Donnie was likely weighing his options of explaining the question. He let the silence fill with the sound of the water sloshing as Yan cleaned the soiled blanket.
“Do you miss them?”
Yan sighed softly, his hands slowed to a stop. He allowed his hands to rest in the bucket of water and just hold the blanket. Donnie had decided the question didn’t need an explanation. Yan looked up at the younger softshell, noting the hesitation in their expression. Yan had shut down every previous attempt to talk about their past so the hesitation was to be expected from the younger.
“Everyday.”
Yan removed their hands from the bucket, standing as he felt the sting of hot tears welling in his eyes. They wiped the remaining water on his hands onto his pants, turning away from the younger turtle as he did so. He quickly wiped his eyes, doing his best to regain his composure and pulled a photo from a hidden pocket in their top.
Leo laughed, his solid white eyes looking at Yan expectantly.
“Well? Should we test it out? Take a picture?”
Yan nodded vigorously, handing the camera to Leo for a moment. Their tail wagged happily as they did a slight jog to Donnie’s lab. The bandana around their neck bounced as they eventually slowed and raised their hand to give a solid knock to the metal doors. Yan didn’t even get a chance as the purple masked turtle opened the door.
“What’s up, mini me?”
Yan gently grabbed Donnie’s wrist, dragging him from the lab. It was less of a drag as Donnie followed the younger without hesitation. The purple clad turtle laughed as he was lead to where Leo stood in the living room.
“Oh, Yan took you hostage too?”
Leo’s laughter filled the room
“No, he managed to find an old Polaroid camera that still works so he wants to take a picture.”
Yan gave a curt nod, letting go of Donnie and immediately taking off to find his two other brothers. He knew pretty much exactly where they’d be.
Yan slid into the kitchen, making a dramatic flourish as they entered. The movement caught the two other brothers eyes, turning to face the smaller turtle.
“Oh! Hey little man! What’s up?”
Mikey greeted, setting the bowl down on the counter as he turned to completely face the younger. Raph took a moment to greet Yan, looking at the younger with an unreadable expression. Yan knew Raphael pretended to dislike him but it was to cover he actually liked the smaller turtle.
Yan reached out, making grabby hands toward Mikey and Raph. To no one’s surprise, Raph moved first. He gently held out his hand and Yan took it, continuing to make grabby hands at Mikey. The orange masked turtle took another moment of making sure the bowl was pushed back enough on the counter before taking Yan’s hands.
“Alright, you have our hands. Lead the way little man.”
Without hesitation, Yan started pulling the older turtles along. After a few moments of Leo explaining why Yan had gathered them all into the living room and allowing themselves to be posed. Yan seemed satisfied, lifting the camera and taking a picture.
“Is that why you don’t like us? We’re not…them?”
Donnie’s words sliced him like a searing hot blade. Yan didn’t even realize they had turned around until they were locking eyes with the younger purple masked turtle. Donnie looked surprised as Yan’s sudden reaction, raising his hands as a show that he meant no ill intent.
“I didn’t mean-“
“Donnie.”
Yan noted that Donnie looked surprised when he cut them off. Yet, he struggled to let the words escape his mouth. After a moment, he opened his jaw then closed it again. Yan screwed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, letting the words finally spill out past his beak.
“I don’t hate you guys. Just like I don’t hate all the other versions of you I’ve already met. I don’t let myself get attached to anyone anymore because I know, eventually, I’m going to be ripped away from this reality. I can never control when I leave and because of that, I never get to say goodbye!”
By this time, he had gone completely undone. Hot tears fell from Yan’s good eye, hiccups finally cutting off the words from the older turtle. He felt himself just give up, letting himself fall to the floor as he sobbed. Years and years of pent up pain escaped from the scarred turtle like a flood.
“Oh Yan, c’mon now.”
Leo crouched down next to the younger turtle, gently holding their face. Yan’s sobbed echoed throughout the lair, eventually drawing Raphael from his room.
Leo looked up as his red masked brother entered the room, a pleading look crossing his face. Raph let out a soft laugh, walking over to meet the sobbing turtle.
“Hey Yan, c’mon buddy. Crying won’t do you any good. What happened?”
Yan attempted to answer the question but hiccups and sobs kept him from answering the orders question. Raph crouched down next to Leo, placing his hand on Yan’s other cheek.
“Take two big deep breaths. We’ll do it with you, okay? Ready? In and out.”
In and out.