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Christmas had always been Aelin’s favourite time of the year. Even more than her birthday or halloween. There was just something about this time of year that had her constantly excited. It might have been the cold weather or the buzz in the air as people prepared for the holiday. But whatever it was, she loved it.
And this year was going to be even more joyous.
Her and Rowan were hosting Christmas at their new house for the first time, which was exciting in itself. But they had a surprise in store for everyone who would be coming.
And currently Aelin was looking at it.
The nursery had just been completed— the last room in the house to have been finished. They had left it for a while, knowing that getting pregnant might have been difficult, Aelin having a host of fertility problems. But two weeks ago she had been given the greatest news. She was in fact nine weeks pregnant.
Rowan had been by her side as the nurse had pointed to the little blob on the screen, her smile wide as she exclaimed that it was in fact a baby. Then had proceeded to print out the scans and hand them to Aelin— who had then proceeded to cry tears of utter delight, Rowan joining in when the news fully hit him.
They had gone home, both of them unable to stop the smiles on their faces. They had sat on the sofa for hours just staring at the pictures and then looking at her stomach, laughing as they talked to their unborn baby. Rowan kissing her skin over and over as he told their child how loved they were already. It was a magical moment and the best Christmas gift that they could ever receive.
Aelin had wasted no time in going to the hardware store the next day and picking out paint colours and accessories. She then spent days painting and putting together furniture, hoping that it would all be ready in time for her parents arrival— now in only a days time.
Every night before bed she would peek her head around the door and just stare at the newly built crib, the large armchair in the corner and the little baby toys that were carefully placed in the corner. She marvelled at the handmade baby mobile that was hung above the crib. The room having come together seamlessly.
“If you look at it too much you’re going to want to change it.” Rowan said, laughter in his voice as he came up behind her, his arms sliding around her waist.
Aelin smiled and just shook her head. “This room is perfect. I just have to keep looking at it to remind myself this is real.”
Rowan kissed her neck and hummed his agreement. “I think we need a footstool to go with the chair. I imagine there will be some long nights in there.”
“Add it to the list.”
The list that was growing longer and longer with each day. The more she googled and researched, the more things she realised she needed to buy. But Rowan had never once complained or said she was going overboard— him being just as excited as she was.
“Imagine when they’re here,” Aelin mused, “a little tiny me and you.”
“I hope they have your eyes.” Rowan replied wistfully.
She shook her head. “I don’t care what they have. I just can’t wait to have another part of you here. A part of us.”
Rowan kissed her again. “They’ll be the most spoilt child with you as their mum.”
She didn’t disagree. She finally broke away from looking at the room and turned around in Rowan’s embrace, kissing him once on the lips and then slipping from his arms. “Okay, I need to get some sleep.”
Rowan didn’t argue with her. Her energy levels had been steadily decreasing and she was almost always in bed by ten o’clock every night. Rowan usually tucked her in first before he would then go back to finish off any work, then when he did come to bed, he would pull her in close and kiss her once before cradling her stomach and saying goodnight to the bean.
Their plan for Christmas was to surprise everyone at once. All their closest friends and family would be there and it was the perfect opportunity to announce their news. Aelin could barely contain her excitement— knowing how happy her parents would be, how thrilled Lysandra would be to finally have another child to play with her own.
The arrival of their baby was all Aelin could think about.
~
Rowan had been terrified and thrilled when Aelin told him she had a positive pregnancy test. He had been even more delighted when the nurse had shown them the ultrasound and confirmed it.
Before meeting Aelin he had never wanted children. In fact, he had told Aelin on one of their first dates that he did not think he would be a good father and therefore did not want to have children. She had been fine with it, never one to push him into changing his mind.
When Lysandra and Aedion had welcomed their first child two years ago, things had started to shift. He found himself craving the warmth of their little bodies, he wanted to hear the giggles and the nonsense they would try to say. When their second had arrived only nine months ago, Rowan had decided that maybe he had been too hasty. So he had told Aelin that maybe they would be able to try for a child when she was ready.
They’d been married for over a year, and whilst they made the decision that there wasn’t a huge rush to have one— Aelin had suggested they start trying because of her infertility problems. It was negative test after negative test and he could see the heartbreak in her eyes each time, but she was strong and determined and so they kept trying.
And now here they were. Expecting their first child together and surprising all their friends in only a couple of days.
Rowan couldn’t wait.
He watched Aelin as she slept soundly next to him. Her hair sprawled out over the pillow, her cheeks rosy. She had been glowing— he knew it was cliche to say— but since being pregnant there was something about her that just shone. She was beautiful anyway, but pregnancy seemed to bring out something else, and he loved it on her.
Aelin shifted in her sleep and scrunched up her face. He chuckled at her expression, loving the faces she would make.
That smile soon fell from his face when Aelin shifted again, her eyes opening quickly. Her hands went straight to her stomach as she groaned in pain, her body moving to sit on the edge of the bed.
Rowan’s hands went to her shoulders, squeezing gently as she took in a few deep breaths.
“What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly.
Aelin just shook her head and took another deep breath in. “I don’t know.”
Rowan moved from behind her to come and kneel in front of her. He held her hands, trying to offer support in whatever way he could.
“I—“ she swallowed, “something isn’t right.” She whispered.
His heart sank. His stomach filling with dread. “Should I call an ambulance?”
She shook her head again. But then she squeezed her eyes shut and cursed. Rowan felt completely useless, only being able to soothe her with his words. He could see the pain, the fear in her eyes and then she nodded.
“Drive me to the hospital?”
He didn’t hesitate. Throwing on any pair of trousers he could find and hoody. Grabbing a pair of sweatpants for Aelin and one of his other jumpers. He helped her put them on and tried to ignore the spot of blood he noticed on the sheet. He didn’t say a word to Aelin as he ushered her out of the room. His own heart hammering in his chest as they got in the car and he sped his way to the emergency room.
From there it was all a blur. A nurse came with a wheelchair, then they were being rushed up to the maternity ward. Aelin was crying, her pain getting worse. Rowan could only stand by and watch. He could only hold her hand as the nurses gave her something for the pain. He could only stand by and feel his heart break as the doctors whispered lowly to each other, their voices melancholy.
When the room was empty and it was just the two of them, Aelin turned to him.
“I’m losing our baby, aren’t I?” Her voice meek.
Rowan wanted to lie to her, wanted to tell her that it was probably nothing. That it was just that she had been doing too much and her body was telling her to rest. But he couldn’t lie to his wife. He couldn’t give her hope only for her to be disappointed.
“It’ll be okay.” He said carefully. He brushed some hair from her face.
Aelin sniffed. “I can’t feel anything,” her hands were shaking as she rubbed her face, her voice was so broken, so hurt. “Rowan,” she sobbed this time.
He couldn’t keep his own tears from falling. He rested his forehead on hers. Their tears falling together, Aelin struggling to find air. Her sobs were harsh and devastating and Rowan could do nothing to calm her— there were no words he could say.
The door to the room opened and a doctor came back in. His face was schooled into neutrality, but Rowan could already tell what the news would be.
“Mr and Mrs Whitethorn, I am so very sorry.”
Aelin hiccuped as a she cried. Rowan stood from where he had been perching on the edge of the bed, unsure of how to be, or what to do.
The doctor continued, “at this stage we can provide you with some pain relief and monitor the discharge of tissue.”
Rowan rubbed his face, his heart in pieces. “Is there nothing you can do?”
The doctor shook their head apologetically. Aelin was sobbing in the bed and he couldn’t bear to hear it, he hated that she was in this agony. The doctor gestured to speak outside and Rowan hesitated, not wanting to leave his wife, but having so many questions for the doctor. So he eventually followed them.
“Mr Whitethorn, I am truly sorry for the loss you are experiencing. Unfortunately miscarriages are hard to prevent and can be completely random. Because of how early into pregnancy your wife is we can only let nature take its course. The pain can be managed by taking paracetamol like normal, we can provide some pads for the bleeding. But there is nothing else we can do here. My recommendation is to rest at home.”
He wanted to shout at them. He wanted to tell them that there must be something they could do. But he was hurting and exhausted and he knew deep down that the doctor was telling the truth, that there really was nothing they could do. That Aelin would have to go home and have to deal with the loss.
“How long will she have to…” he couldn’t finish the sentence.
“The worst will be over in one to two days. If she continues to experience heavy bleeding then we suggest to come back in as it could be a sign of infection. She will unfortunately experience some continued bleeding for a couple more weeks.”
Gods. She would have to be reminded of this for weeks.
“I am truly sorry for you loss.”
Rowan could only nod as he returned to the room. Aelin was on her side, curled into a ball. Her body was shaking as she cried and cried. Rowan not being able to do anything but sit beside her and rub her back. He couldn’t find the words to tell her it would be alright— because it wasn’t. None of this was right. She had done everything correct, she had been taking her vitamins, she had exercised and slept. She was eating well. It should have been different.
“I want to go home.” She finally whispered.
Rowan nodded. “I’ll get the discharge papers.”
~
Aelin was silent on the car ride home. The painkillers the hospital had given her had started to kick in. She could no longer feel the painful cramping, but the tears kept falling down her face silently. Both of them feeling the great expanse of sorrow that was slowly consuming them.
Aelin didn’t even notice the sun starting to rise, the sky turning a stunning shade of pink. She should’ve been waking up soon, preparing the house for the arrival of her parents. She should have been unboxing the last of their unborn child’s clothes and toys. But now she would be boxing it up and shoving it into a cupboard so she could ignore the aching in her chest.
“Did you want me to run you a bath?” Her husband said gently as he helped her out of the car.
She didn’t know what she wanted.
Although, maybe she did. She wanted to go back to yesterday when her and Rowan had been gushing over the new room. When Rowan had held her close and told her how excited he was to be a family.
She had failed him.
He had never wanted children and she had changed his mind only to fail at the one thing she should have been able to give him. And it hurt.
“Maybe something to eat?” He offered. His arm around her as he helped her into the house.
“I just want to sleep.” She finally answered.
He didn’t question her as he followed her up the stairs. Aelin felt heavy and so, so tired. It didn’t occur to her what seeing the nursery would make her feel. She had forgotten that they would have to pass the room to get to her own. She didn’t think about how the empty crib would affect her— how seeing it made her halt and make the tears fall harder again.
She had failed them.
“Fireheart,” Rowan murmured. His own voice was sad, tired.
She shook her head. What could she ever say to him to make it better? What words could she use to explain how sorry she was that she had lost something so precious. There was nothing she could do to make it up to him, to apologise for the damage.
“Let’s go to bed.” He urged, trying to carefully move her away from the room that was making her mind replay everything. Tormenting her.
She could have stayed there staring into void. But she let Rowan guide her to their room and then tuck her into bed. His movements were slow and soft. He kissed her ever so lightly on her forehead and left her to sleep. She watched him leave her and the guilt seemed to multiply, her heart breaking further as he left.
Sleep didn’t find her.
Aelin couldn’t relax even though she could hear Rowan down the corridor. She should have found some comfort that he hadn’t left, but none came. She wanted to call out to him, she needed him by her side— even though she didn’t deserve his kindness. But instead she stayed quiet and let the loss overwhelm her.
~
Rowan didn’t quite know what to do with himself. He was too restless to get in bed with Aelin. His mind too full of noise to sit in silence. He should be getting ready to go to work, but there was no way he was going to be able to concentrate— he’d already messaged in sick.
He could have started to make up the room for Aelin’s parents who were arriving in mere hours. He should have called them to tell them not to come or to warn them. He didn’t know if Aelin wanted them here, or if she just wanted to mourn in peace.
When he left their room he passed the nursery again. He hadn’t let himself look at it when they’d come up. But now…
The hand-made mobile hanging above the crib seemed silly considering everything. The artwork they had spent far too long picking out at the shop only a few days ago seemed too bright— too happy. The clothes on the dresser, the teddy bear on the chair, the blanket hanging over the crib was all too much. He didn’t think as he grabbed it all. Finding an empty drawer and shoving it all in there. But he didn’t stop at that.
He was in a daze as the pictures from the wall came down too, then the mobile. He couldn’t stop. He needed it gone. He needed the reminder of it all to disappear. There was nothing to stop him now— he found the screwdriver and started to disassemble the crib— there was an urgency to his actions, he couldn’t rest until it was gone.
“Rowan?” Aelin asked quietly from the doorway.
He turned to his wife. She was pale and her eyes red from crying. So different to how she had been only hours earlier.
Rowan placed the tools down on the floor and went to her. He tried to smile reassuringly, although he knew she would be able to see right through him.
“What are you doing?”
Rowan glanced behind him, at the mess he’d made. “I wanted to make it go away. I didn’t want you seeing it.”
Aelin’s eyes darted to the room and then immediately back to his. “Oh.” then she choked out, “I’m sorry.” Her eyes filled with tears and she turned away. He could see her wiping her face roughly, but he stood where was.
“It’s not your fault,” he said slowly, “you couldn’t have done anything.”
She sucked in a shaky breath. “I could have—“ a sob. She slid to the floor. Her head resting on her knees, her arms tightening around them.
Rowan was in front of her in a second. Kissing her head, stroking her hair. Her pain was his pain and he couldn’t bear to see her hurting like this— to see her taking the blame, shouldering the guilt.
“Fireheart, there was nothing you could have done. We were just unlucky, but you have nothing, absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”
“I failed you.”
His heart constricted. His eyes filling with tears again. “My love,” he choked, “you have not failed me. You have not failed anyone.”
“You were so excited. We had plans and we were going to surprise everyone. I’ve ruined it, I’ve ruined everything.”
Gods. She was hurting so much. How could he ever tell her it would be okay? There were no words that could numb these feelings. All he could was try, try to tell her that he was with her and would always be with her. “Aelin, you did everything right. The doctors said there was nothing we could’ve done to change this. I do not blame you, I never could.” He kissed her once, “I love you. There is absolutely nothing in this world that could change that. And whatever hardships we face, I will be here holding your hand. I promised you for better or for worse, and I will not break that promise.”
A gut-wrenching sob tore through her and Rowan felt it in his core.
“We’ll get through this,” he said through his own tears, “it’s not your fault, Aelin.”
Maybe if he said the words enough he could reignite the spark inside her. Perhaps a spark would be enough to keep her going, a reminder that she was still there— that she had some fight left in her.
And Rowan knew he could feel it too. The blood in his veins was still pumping, a reminder that he was still alive, that he too would overcome. That together they would battle these demons, and they would come out stronger on the other side. The pain they were feeling right now would pass and one day— a day a long time away from now— they would still feel that pain, hidden under the surface, but that they were not afraid of hurting anymore.
“I love you.” He whispered. “We’ll be okay.”
“What about…” Aelin wiped her face, “what about telling everyone?”
Rowan brushed her hair away from her face, pieces of it sticking to her skin from the wetness of the tears. “We don’t have to tell them anything. And if you want I can do all the talking, you don’t even need to be there for the conversation. Anything you want, fireheart. I will do it.”
“I’ve ruined Christmas.”
Rowan rested his head on top of hers, placing another kiss on the top of it. “You’ve not ruined anything.” Now wasn’t the time to tell her that one day they would have the happy ending they dreamed of. That one day the house they lived in would be full of laughter, their children running around causing chaos. That this nightmare they were in right now would end and the pain aching in their chests, the hole in their hearts would fill— slowly— but it would be better.
“You’re not angry at me?”
He could almost laugh. “Never. I could never be angry at you for something so out of your control.”
Her tears didn’t stop, but her breathing evened out and she seemed to relax her shoulders a fraction. Aelin finally met his eyes and for a moment he could see a glimmer of hope in them.
“We’ll be okay?” She asked.
Rowan nodded. “It’s going to hurt for a while. But we’ll recover, we’ll overcome this. As long as we have each other.”
A small nod. And then a sigh.
“I love you.” He said again; and Rowan didn’t need her to say it back. He understood. So he asked instead, “how about that bath?” He put his hand out, Aelin gripping it tightly— like if she didn’t he would disappear too.
“A bath sounds really nice.”