Work Text:
“are we home yet?”
the most important aspect in our lives is that it has an end. and the only concrete thing we know about this end is that our earthly bodies start to waste away and become nothing, but dust; and that this end - death - happens to all of us. every single living creature dies at some point, becoming one yet again with the planet that gave us the chance to fear our own ends.
“are we home yet?”
many people view our lives as some sort of trial: if we pass it by playing according to certain rules, our souls get to countinue our human lives in a better place - however if we defy the rules, our souls will suffer for eternity.
others don’t believe in our conciousness forming a soul. with our bodies and brains, the mind and the people we once were also waste away - so they think. and many don’t know what to think.
“are we home yet?”
the first time i encountered death was at the ripe age of 5; although it wasn’t a humans death, i very specifically remember that sunken feeling in my stomach and the nausea, caused by the fear. this was the death of our adored cat. i remember i instantly started sobbing.
the fear of death consumed me. i stared at my reflection in the mirror for hours, knowing my face will just simply rot away, and that there’s no preventing it. this dread frequently reappeared in certain, vulnerable periods of my life, even after i’d formed my own beliefs concerning the afterlife.
“are we home yet?”
most see death as the end, either to our lives completely or the trial we must go through; i also see it as some form of closure, but in my opinion, it’s a new chance. even if during our lifetimes we were horrible people. we’re given another chance to make up for our wrongdoings and clean our tainted souls before we can enter the stars: the complete liberation from this samsara. a place free of wordly filth, free of suffering, free of human existence.
after some time, the thought of a new chance took over my mind. i began chasing death, chasing the new life; maybe if i was given different challenges, i’d be able to achieve the complete liberation. and if i was wrong all along in this belief, if this heaven doesn’t exist, then all my problems will rot away with my body.
“are we home yet?”
i could feel that sunken feeling in my stomach the instant my mother called me over. i knew what news she’s going to tell me before she even opened her mouth. maybe it was the look on her face.
“are we home yet?” were his last words.
ironic, because he never made it home.
a soft song carried him elsewhere. somewhere, where the loving touch of his wife cannot reach him anymore. maybe, he couldn’t break the samsara even with all his good deeds, and he got another chance to free his soul. or maybe - no, most likely, he reached whatever heaven he was hoping for, and he can finally reunite with his long-dead memories.
and with his death, something ended in me, too.
my childhood.