Chapter Text
SCENE 1: CENTRAL PRONOUNS. (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL)
ROSS: Monica, you have been talking about this girl for hours. We have to know some background.
MONICA: Such as?
JOEY: Is she hot?
CHANDLER LOOKS AT JOEY, SLIGHTLY HURT. BUT ALSO REALLY CONFUSED BECAUSE JOEY WAS WATCHING GAY PORN LAST NIGHT VERY LOUDLY ON THE LIVING ROOM TV.
MONICA: Well, yeah.
ROSS: Show us. The Boys™️ have to see if you could catch us simping.
ROSS GOES TO HIGH FIVE HIS FRIENDS BUT THEY LITERALLY DONT LIKE WOMEN THEYRE SO GAY THEY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. CHANDLER HESITATES, THINKING HE SHOULD TO KEEP HIS SEXUALITY A SECRET. JOEY JUST LAUGHS. HE DOESNT HAVE A SEXUALITY AT THE MOMENT HIS ONLY THOUGHTS ARE THOSE FUELED BY HIS ADDERALL.
Monica: Oh- Okay! I guess…
MONICA SHYLY TUCKS HER HAIR BEHIND HER EAR. SHE PULLS UP A PHOTO OF HER AND IS NOW STARING AT A PHOTO OF HER NEW WORK FRIEND IN A PROVOCATIVE NURSE COSTUME WHILE BLUSHING
MONICA: H-here!
ROSS: Solid six.
MONICA: Hey! She is not a “Six” she is gorgeous. If I were a guy I’d totally date her!
EVERYONE STARES IN SHOCK. THEY ALL TRY TO SAY “THATS PRETTY GAY LMAO” BUT NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO IT. EVENTUALLY, MONICA BEGINS TALKING AGAIN.
MONICA: Come on guys! I don’t listen to Girl in Red! We are just friends!
JOEY: (WHILE POPPING AN ADDERALL) We share a spotify account Monica. Ever since the 2020 recession. And I know for a fact my Spotify Rewind would not include (JOEY PULLS OUT HIS PHONE) Cavetown.
MONICA: Cavetown is NOT “gay” music. Gay people don’t have music they “own”.
(THE GROUP STARES IN SILENCE, PROMPTING MONICA TO HASTILY DEFEND HERSELF)
MONICA: Gay people just have good music taste! I thought we were past judging people’s sexual orientation based on unimportant factors such as music taste. Labeling me a Les- gay woman based on this is very bigoted, and quite frankly, homophobic. Society is moving backwards due to the stereotypes you inflict upon straight women comfortable enough with their sexuality to embrace traditionally “Homosexual” things!
PHOEBE PULLS A COMICALLY SMALL MASON JAR FROM HER PURSE. MONICA FROWNS BUT ULTIMATELY PLACES A NICKEL INSIDE ANYWAYS. THE JAR IS LABELLED: TIMES MONICA HAS GOTTEN OVERLY DEFENSIVE ABOUT HER SEXUALITY.
PHOEBE SHAKES THE JAR.
PHOEBE: We’re going to need another one.
JOEY: This is the fourth jar this week.
PHOEBE: I know!
MONICA OPENS HER MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT DECIDES AGAINST IT. PHOEBE PLACES A SYMPATHETIC HAND ON HER SHOULDER.
(CUT TO SAME SET, AN INDETERMINABLE AMOUNT OF TIME HAS PASSED)
CHANDLER: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.
ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
CHANDLER: Then I look down, and I realise I am fully hard.
JOEY: Instead of...?
CHANDLER: Soft, yeah.
JOEY: Never had that dream.
PHOEBE: No.
CHANDLER: And I realise, right, I look slowly back up and—
CHANDLER STOPS, AS IF HE HAS JUST REMEMBERED A HORRIBLE SECRET.
ROSS: …And what?
CHANDLER, SLOWLY: And…I..
CHANDLER TURNS TO LOOK AT JOEY. THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT THEN HE GOES TO ORDER COFFEE, SIGNALLING THE END OF HIS STORY.
ROSS: Damnit, I can’t get over the fact that my wife- er- ex wife- is a dyke. If only I could get a new bride.
PHOEBE PULLS OUT ANOTHER COMICALLY SMALL MASON JAR, BUT THIS ONE IS CLEARLY DIFFERENT. IT IS TITLED: ROSS STOP SAYING SLURS JAR. ROSS DOESN’T ACKNOWLEDGE IT, SO MONICA PUTS A NICKEL IN ON HIS BEHALF.
RACHEL SLAMS OPEN THE DOORS OF CENTRAL PRONOUNS
PHOEBE: Well, there you go. See, you straighties get everything whilst we suffer.
RACHEL: Monica I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
ROSS HURRIEDLY AND VISIBLY OPENS SNAPCHAT. CHANDLER SLAPS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS HAND.
CHANDLER: Ross, we have talked about asking brides for their ‘Snaps’. You are 31 years old.
MONICA: Oh my god Rachel, you look like shit.
EVERYONE STARES AT HER UNCOMFORTABLY
Monica: Sorry, that was my autism. Everyone, this is Rachel. A- (SHE PAUSES AND REMEMBERS THEM PASSIONATELY MAKING OUT) An old friend of mine.
RACHEL, SOMEWHAT DISAPPOINTED: Yeah. Old friend.
PHOEBE, WHISPERING TO JOEY: How much do you want to bet they fucked?
JOEY, HIGH ON ADDERALL: Three.
RACHEL, NOW SITTING: I’m so sorry to bombard you out of nowhere Monica but I had nowhere else to go. I—
WAITRESS: Can I get you some coffee?
RACHEL: Yes please. Venti Caramel Frappe with 2 extra pumps of caramel and light ice. Also, extra whip cream, I deserve to treat myself today. Thank you.
CHANDLER SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY.
WAITRESS: We have two things on the menu and neither of those include what you said.
MONICA: (WHISPERS TO RACHEL) This is a Dark Academia Core type of place, we stopped going to Starbucks after Phoebe ran into one of her ex’s there.
JOEY WHISPERS TO RACHEL: This neighbourhood is mid.
RACHEL NODS SOLEMNLY.
RACHEL: Just water, please.
THE WAITRESS WALKS OFF.
RACHEL: Sorry to trauma dump Monica, but I just left my wedding. I don’t know what came over me, but I saw how he looked at and it was giving…Loveless marriage. Me and My Husband type thing, y’know? I don’t want an orthodontist, I haven’t gotten my teeth cleaned since before Covid. I don’t want to get married now. I’m freaking out, Monica, I can’t do it. And you were the only person I knew in the city so I dissociated, checked your Instagram Story, and followed you here.
MONICA: You would’ve known where I was if you invited me in the first place.
RACHEL: I figured that would be a bit awkward, considering our… history.
MONICA COVERS RACHEL’S MOUTH AND BEGINS SCREAMING, ‘AS FRIENDS. OUR HISTORY AS FRIENDS! BEST FRIENDS REALLY GOOD FRIENDS!’
THE PLACE BEGINS TO REEK OF LESBIANISM.
JOEY: Can I change my bet to four?
PHOEBE NODS
CHANDLER: (WHISPERS TO ROSS) Ah, I told you you shouldn’t ask for her Snap. She’s a little bit… fruity.
ROSS: (WHISPERING TO CHANDLER) Why do they always have to be lesbians? And my fucking sister too?
PHOEBE: (WAS LISTENING THE ENTIRE TIME) Not just your fucking sister, but fucking your sister as well! Am I right girls, gays, and theys?
MONICA AND RACHEL JUST SMILE UNCOMFORTABLY.
JOEY HAS POPPED ANOTHER PILL.
MONICA: Now I'm guessing that Noah Beck brought up Charlie’s boyfriend is racist, and she is really not happy about it.
RACHEL: (ON PHONE) Dad, I can’t marry him. I’m sorry, I just can’t…No, I know we have to keep up our doctor Tiktok empire…I don’t want to collab with anybody! I want to live on my own!
CHANDLER: (RE TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing that shirt.
JOEY: I say kick him out of the Hype House.
PHOEBE+ROSS+CHANDLER+JOEY: Kick him out! Kick him out! Kick him out! (HE IS KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE BY AN ANGRY CHARI. HIS HIPS SWAY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, EMBRACING HIS HETEROSEXUAL FEMINITY, AND THEY CHEER)
RACHEL: C'mon Dad, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're an Android! You're an Android, you're an Android, you're an Android!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be an Android? What if I wanna be a- a Google Pixel, y'know? Or a- or an Apple! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me an iPhone, I'm saying I am an iPhone- It's a metaphor, Dad!
ROSS: I’ve heard an apple a day keeps the doctor away!
RACHEL: Look Dad, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
PHOEBE: Maybe Rachel staying here will force Monica to admit she’s gay.
MONICA: I am not—
PHOEBE PULLS OUT THE JAR. MONICA STOPS TALKING. PHOEBE NODS, SATISFIED, AND PUTS THE JAR AWAY.
RACHEL: Well, maybe I don’t want to live in the Doc House. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Yeah, I can be a financially independent girlboss whilst working through my daddy issues!
(CUT TO SAME SET. RACHEL IS SURROUNDED BY CRYSTALS WHILE SHE HAS A PANIC ATTACK)
MONICA: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...
RACHEL: Thank you, Monica. I have missed you.
RACHEL GOES IN FOR A HUG BUT MONICA FREEZES ATTEMPTING TO BEAT THE HOMOSEXUALITY ALLEGATIONS .
PHOEBE: (SINGS) No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender rights! I’m on the right track, baby I was born to survive!
MONICA GLARES. PHOEBE SHOWS THE GROUP THAT HER SPOTIFY IS, IN FACT, PLAYING THAT SONG. MONICA IS IRRITATED, BUT CONTINUES TO SCROLL THROUGH TWITTER.
MONICA: Ross, why are you following an account that has in the bio, ‘Pronoun users take the L’. With three skull emojis following?
ROSS: Because they should take the L.
MONICA: You know how transphobic you’re being right now, right?
ROSS: Oh my god, Monica, stop being such a snowflake.
PHOEBE: (SINGING TO HERSELF) Are you, Are you? Coming to the tree…
MONICA: It’s basic human decency. I’m not a snowflake, I’m just a good person, unlike some people.
JOEY: Oops, it’s 2:30. Gotta make a TikTok. (HE OPENS UP THE APP) Ooh, I love this song! (HE FILMS A TIKTOK OF HIM LIP SYNCING “SWEET BUT PSYCHO” WITH THE INDIE FILTER ON) Thanks Phoebe for the filter rec! Can I get some Dreamwastaken/GeorgeNotFound FanFic recs too!
CHANDLER: Well..what about that time you told Phoebe she was being transphobic because of her pronouns?
MONICA: I’m not going to call her ‘meow/meowself’ pronouns. Those harm the trans community.
ROSS: Ok well, how is what you’re saying any different than what I’m saying?
MONICA: You’re being transphobic, I’m being rational!
(MONICA PULLS OUT HER PHONE AND OPENS THE APP TWITTER. SHE OPENS A TWEET.)
MONICA: Why neopronouns harm trans people: a thread. Number 1-
JOEY: Wait, what is a pronoun?
ROSS: According to user “igotbitchesallaroundmypenis” on the Urban Dictionary, “Pronouns are used by people who don't have a social life outside of social media”
MONICA: You cried for 3 hours yesterday because your thirst trap got 2 likes, both of which were from yourself on your alt accounts.
CHANDLER: You are 31 years old, man.
ROSS: It actually went up to three likes. I got a like from “dabisfatcoochie”
(THE DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. IT IS TO THE TUNE OF THE PHINEAS AND FERB THEME SONG FROM THE HIT SHOW PHINEAS AND FERB. CHANDLER GETS IT WITH EXCITEMENT.)
CHANDLER: Frankly, that was my best investment.
ROSS: My best investment was my NFTs.
RACHEL: Those are those images on the internet, right?
MONICA: Yeah.
JOEY: I have them screenshotted.
ROSS: You can’t screenshot them, they’re on the blockchain.
CHANDLER: (TO THE INTERCOM) Who is it? (HE SQUEALS)
SAMANTHA: (OVER INTERCOM) Samantha. I’m here for Monica.
MONICA: Buzz her in!
ROSS: Samantha, as in Samantha the Wine Lady?
MONICA: Don’t you have digital monkeys to look at?
ROSS: Apes. They’re apes, Monica. I don’t know how many times I have to—
CHANDLER: You scored Samantha? I mean, we knew she wasn’t straight, but she is way out of your league.
MONICA: Well, that’s fine, because we’re not dating and this isn’t a date and there are no leagues in friendship.
RACHEL: I mean, I wouldn’t be friends with anyone below a 6 but that’s me.
MONICA: (GIDDY) You think I’m above a 6?
SAMANTHA BUZZES AGAIN. JOEY POPS YET ANOTHER PILL.
CHANDLER: Shit, come on up.
RACHEL: Monica, I thought we were going to get dinner and catch up tonight?
MONICA: Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I forgot Samantha was coming. I can cancel if you need me to.
RACHEL PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, CLEARLY MAKING A DECISION AS APART OF HER NEW GIRLBOSS LIFESTYLE.
RACHEL: No. No, go on your date! I’ll be fine here, set up my room and do…roommate things.
MONICA: (TO PHOEBE) Are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
PHOEBE: (CHOKED VOICE) Yes Monica, I need it. (PHOEBE FAKE COUGHS AND SNIFFLES).
MONICA: (HORRIFIED) Really?
PHOEBE: (NORMAL VOICE) Nah, go ahead. Maybe she will make you realise. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MONICA GETS IT; IT'S SAMANTHA)
MONICA: Hi, come in! Samantha, this is.. (THEY ARE ALL LINED UP NEXT TO THE DOOR, BESIDES RACHEL WHO IS SCROLLING THROUGH INSTAGRAM MOPING.)... everybody. Everybody, say hi to Samantha.
PHOEBE+JOEY+CHANDLER: Hey! Samantha! Hi! The Wine Lady! Hey!
ROSS: You don’t look like a lesbian.
RACHEL: (TO JOEY) I’m hotter than her, right?
JOEY: Yeah, she’s only like a 5. You’re really, really hot.
BEFORE JOEY CAN OBJECTIFY RACHEL, CHANDLER ELBOWS HIM HARD IN THE STOMACH.
MONICA: Wow. It’s getting late.
THE CLOCK IS SHOWN. IT IS 5:12 PM.
MONICA: …Ready to go?
SAMANTHA: Oh! Okay, sure. I have my car pulled up out front, we should probably leave before I get ticketed or something.
MONICA HURRIEDLY SHOVE SAMANTHA OUT THE DOOR, CLOSING THE DOOR LOUDLY BEHIND HER.
PHOEBE: Ooh, I just got told to kill myself in a TikTok comment section. Should I bring up the fact that my mom killed herself?
RACHEL: No, they’ll just say ‘L mom’. Try doxxing them.
PHOEBE: You are so smart!
ROSS: (ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE THE CONVERSATION) So Rachel, got any plans?
RACHEL: No, unless I want to follow in the footsteps of Phoebe’s mother. (JOEY AND CHANDLER STAY SILENT, HORRIFIED) Too soon?
ROSS: L mother, to be honest.
CHANDLER HITS ROSS ON THE SHOULDER. JOEY GLARES AT HIM. PHOEBE PROCEEDS TO HIT THE SAME SPOT CHANDLER DID.
PHOEBE: I’m not upset, I just wanted to hit you. You’re a punchable man, Ross.
ROSS: Well, Rachel, what were you originally going to do tonight?
RACHEL: Actually, my dad got me a tour of the Hype House and arranged me to meet a few of them. But instead I’m here. I’m here because I couldn’t settle for a dentist. I couldn’t just settle for a man, and tour the damn Hype House. My father would never go to my wedding if it wasn’t with him, so now I’ll never get to know if Chase Hudson is actually my racist ex boyfriend from college!
ROSS: (IN PAIN) Oh my god, we get it, you’re a rich tiktok les-
CHANDLER HITS ROSS AGAIN.
PHOEBE: (WITH FINALITY) He is.
RACHEL: How do you know that?
PHOEBE DOES NOT ANSWER. THE FRIENDS SHARE A LOOK THAT INDICATES TO RACHEL TO NEVER ASK SUCH QUESTIONS AGAIN.
ROSS: You could FaceTime him?
RACHEL: I would, but then I would have to face Barry. So instead, I’ll just stay inside moping about my failed engagement and every failed relationship I’ve had leading up to today
JOEY: (TO HIMSELF) Geez, trauma dumping much…
ROSS: (JOKINGLY) Was Barry a big Hype fan?
SILENCE. BARRY WAS, IN FACT, A BIG HYPE FAN. NOBODY KNOWS WHY ROSS WOULD JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. PHOEBE PATS RACHEL ON THE SHOULDER.
ROSS: Well, I have to assemble some furniture. I don’t think you’d want to because you are a wo- (PHOEBE GLARES AT HIM) in distress, but if you would like to you could come.
RACHEL: Really? I’d love to!
ROSS: Actually, it’s pretty heavy. I don’t think you would be able to lift any of it.
CHANDLER SHOVES ROSS OUT OF THE APARTMENT. JOEY FOLLOWS BEHIND, OFFERING RACHEL A PILL AS APOLOGY. RACHEL HESITATES BUT DECLINES.
JOEY: More for me. (HE POPS THREE PILLS AT ONCE)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) (UNLESS THIS STREAMS ON HBO MAX IN WHICH CASE JUST PUT A BLACK SCREEN THERE FOR A SOLID SECOND TO EMULATE CABLE TV)