Work Text:
It’s not often that Easthies goes to the outskirts of the Assembly after dark, usually spending his evenings catching up on whatever work has been placed upon his desk. But for some reason he isn’t able to concentrate in the way that he’s usually able to, plagued by so many different things that it’s practically impossible for him to focus on his work. He’d think that after almost twenty years of working as a member of the Knights Moralis, that there wouldn't be a single thing that he hadn’t seen. Yet despite that, there’s something about the past few weeks that have put him on edge. Especially since he’s been having his own doubts lately.
He blames the Silver Night Festival, blames it and blames the incident of Galga losing his memory, the heartbreaking feeling of knowing that someone that he used to care about so much doesn’t even remember his name, that he doesn’t even remember magic, and what makes it so beautiful. It’s painful, because Easthies knows that he could have done something, that he could have prevented the erasure of his dear friend’s memories. Galga was someone that loved him as though he were his own child, who dedicated his entire life to the Knights Moralis, and did so much for them. Only for them to turn against him in his time of need.
It’s hypocritical that the Knights are able to carelessly erase the memories of those that threaten the balance between the Unknowing and the world of Witches. Not caring for a second as to who they hurt and the lives that they destroy in the process. Especially since they act like they’re better than others for doing so— the blatant hypocrisy makes Easthies sick to his stomach, even if it’s an attitude that he himself once held.
If Witches create, then Knights destroy. One can’t exist without the other. A job that nobody wants to do, and with good reason. Who would want to willingly give up their magic after all? Easthies is aware of the fact that sacrifices have to be made in the name of peace, well they should be. But at this point he can’t tell if what he’s doing is right anymore. He hates himself for doubting the beliefs that he’s been raised on, but there’s something about his line of work that’s been bothering him, like a disease that won’t seem to go away— clawing and festering in his mind, drowning him as he tries to escape them.
He has pretty much nothing in his life that isn’t his work. If he starts to have second thoughts about it now, then what does that mean for him? Of his future? Easthies honestly doesn’t know, nor does he particularly want to find out.
The laws created on the Day of Conspiracy were designed to be absolute and unchanging but the nature of magic itself almost makes that impossible. Magic flows freely, forever changing and never static. Written and unwritten, added and removed, there’s no way of controlling it and those who know about it. Magic is all around, so why pick and choose who can use it. It’s a dangerous question to ask, and it goes against all of his self-imposed ideals, but there’s a part of Easthies that wonders if he’s doing the right thing.
He knows that his line of thought is taking a turn for the worse, dangerous ideas flooding his mind the more he thinks about them, he can’t help it though. The Silver Night Festival took most of his energy from him, and he honestly doesn’t have the strength to fight the cluster of thoughts and emotions that seem to be plaguing him.
Easthies sighs, sitting down on the floor as he does so. It’s been a chaotic and exhausting few weeks, with everything only seemingly getting worse as time goes on. He hates it, hates it so unbelievably much, he’s supposed to be stronger than this. Yet he somehow feels like the smallest thing could make him snap. That his emotions will wash over like a tidal wave, destroying everything in his path.
So distracted by his own thoughts, Easthies doesn’t hear the door opening from behind him. He’s not particularly sure as to who else would be awake at such a godawful time, though but he just prays that it’s someone that he actually tolerates for a change. The last thing Easthies wants right now is for someone to see him during a moment of weakness, especially since they could easily use it against him in the future.
“Easthies?? What are you doing sitting by yourself?”
Easthies looks up to see Utowin staring at him, looking extremely worried. In a way Easthies hasn’t seen since they were kids. He waits for him to register his presence before speaking “You look awful Eas…” He pauses for a second, helping Easthies up. “Come on, you shouldn’t be sitting on the floor like that, what would happen if someone else had spotted you?”
“I’m doing just fine actually.” Easthies counters, desperately trying to hide the fact that he is feeling one hundred different emotions at once. “I promise you that everything’s okay. I was just going outside for some fresh air..”
“Cut the bullshit. I’ve known you for years, I know when you’re lying.” Utowin sounds a lot harsher than Easthies remembers, but he really doesn’t want to deal with the implications of that right now. “I found you looking half dead on the floor when I arrived, I promise you that’s not what someone who looks okay is.”
“Why do you care so much.”
“Because you’re my friend Easthies, you can pretend all you like that people don’t care about you. But they do.” Utowin moves slightly closer to him before continuing. “Hiding everything and closing yourself off from those you love isn’t going to change that.”
“I’m tired.” Easthies replies, he supposes that it's a lot more complicated than that but at this very moment in time he doesn’t want to say more.
“That’s all you have to say??”
“Well you wanted me to be honest didn’t you.”
“I did, but I definitely think it’s just more than exhaustion.”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”
“Look Easthies. You’re not going to get anywhere like this. You do realise that what you’re doing isn’t healthy in the slightest.”
Easthies doesn’t seem to have a response to that, he knows that what he’s been doing for the past few years isn’t healthy but he doesn’t really want to confront that problem right now. He could lie to Utowin but he is fully aware of how pointless that is. Utowin may not be good at a lot of things but he’s good at deciphering Easthies and how he feels, he’d be able to call out a lie within seconds.
“I know that it’s unhealthy. I didn’t need you to tell me that.”
“If you know that your coping mechanisms are bad then why do you keep doing them, one of these days you’re going to crash and burn. It almost feels like that’s already happened.”
“What makes you say that?”
Utowin pauses for a few moments before saying anything, like he needs time to think about his answer. “I don’t know but you’ve been more self destructive than usual lately… ever since Silver Eve, I think I’ve mentioned this before but you look like you’re on the verge of a breakdown most of the time.”
“Okay that’s fair, these past few weeks have been so stressful and if I’m being honest I’ve been having my own doubts.”
“Doubts?? About what?”
“A lot of things really… It’s hard to explain, which is why I didn't really want to say anything.” Easthies sighs to himself quietly before continuing. “I’ve always wanted to ask, but do you think what we’re doing is right?”
“Eas… You know I can’t answer that. I don’t know if the Knights' methods are the best but you know what happens the second we start questioning things…”
“I know. But I don’t want to remember that right now.”
Utowin takes that as a sign to stop talking, allowing them to sit in silence for a few moments. Easthies takes this opportunity to take a closer look at his friend. He’s known Utowin since childhood, but he’s never seen him this tired. The Silver Night Festival appears to have taken its toll on him as well. The well known look of fatigue is etched onto his face, reminiscent of how Easthies himself looks a lot of the time.
He remembers their childhood and how everything was so much simpler back then. Easthies misses it almost, in a vague non-descript way. He doesn’t miss the person he was back then (loud and honest and vulnerable, all things the current Easthies sees as weakness) but he misses the simplicity of childhood, when life was dictated by test scores and petty squabbles. Not the inevitable horror of realising that your life’s work might have all been for nothing.
Easthies is aware that he’s grown up faster than most, but even he knows that there are parts of his youth that he’ll never forget. Qifrey and everything that entails (one of these days he’ll figure out how he feels about the other man, but today is not that day.) his apprenticeship with Vinnana and how that’s shaped him into the person who he is today and Utowin, who’s always been there, an unchanging presence in an ever-changing world.
He doesn’t really know where he’d be without the taller man, probably dead due to overexerting himself or something along those lines. He’s been meaning to express his gratitude for years now, but has never really found the right time. He supposes that he could just do it now, it’s not like he has anywhere else to be. Except on the floor, outside of the Assembly at 2’o’clock in the morning, but it’s not like anyone else is here to see him. Except Utowin, but Easthies knows that he won’t tell anyone else. Another reason he’s thankful for him.
“I just wanted to thank you.” Easthies starts, it’s now or never he supposes. Better make this worth it.
“Thank me for what?”
“I don’t really know for what exactly, for everything I guess… we’ve been friends for a long time after all.”
Utowin gives Easthies a light smile, warm and genuine. It’s a nice thing to see, and after all the horror Easthies has had to deal with lately it’s a welcome change. He’s honestly tempted to hug Utowin in the moment, but even he feels like that might be too much. “Hey look, you don’t need to thank me, we’re friends. And as your friend I'll always be here for you.” He places his hands on top of Easthies’ and squeezes them. “I do have to ask though? What brought this on exactly? You’re not usually the sentimental type.”
“I just felt like I needed to get it out there, you’ve always been there for me. The least I can do is thank you for that. Is that a problem for you?”
“No, not at all. It’s just that you’ve never stricken me as someone who’s big on talking about your feelings“
“You’re right, I’m not.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Is it bad to want to thank your friends?”
“Never said it was.”
Easthies can’t help but laugh at that, it’s not even that funny, but for some reason he can’t stop himself from laughing. This is what exhaustion does to a person he supposes, wears them down, bit by bit, until they don’t feel like themselves anymore. “Then why are you stopping me? Are you that scared of a little bit of praise?”
Utowin stops for a second before responding, “Me? Scared? Never. I’ve never been scared of anything in my entire life”
“Bullshit. Don’t act like I don’t remember what you were like when it came to Alaria’s horror stories.”
“Come on… I was like 14, you can’t blame me for being scared back then.”
“I was 14 too, and I wasn't scared.” Easthies points out, lying through his teeth (He’s never been the biggest fan of horror and it’s various subgenres, but Utowin doesn’t need to know that) “Most of the stories she told us were just old rumours”
“Since when did you pay attention to the rumours that spread around the Assembly? I thought you were above all that.”
“Not really. Some of them were quite interesting in fact.” Easthies doesn’t actually remember a lot of the rumours that were spread around the assembly, most of them tended to be about Qifrey of all people. Something about him being Sage Beldaruit’s evil apprentice, Mostly lies if Easthies is being honest with himself (something he’s had a hard time doing lately) He’s also aware that it’s been a long time since Qifrey was at the Assembly, so maybe the rumours have changed.
He doesn’t really care at this point, he’s heard the things that people have said about him behind his back, when they act like he can’t hear them. Easthies is fully aware that people view him as harsh and uncaring, a ruthless and ambitious leader, whose sharp words and cutting gaze can make even the bravest of men cower. It’s almost funny, because he’s nothing like what people expect of him. In reality, he is reckless and impulsive, loving to the point where it’s suffocating. Passionate to the point where it’s overbearing. Nothing like the carefully crafted facade he has made for himself — the same facade which appears to be slowly fading away.
“Hey Eas… you okay??? you’ve spaced out again.” Utowin taps Easthies lightly on the shoulder, bringing him back to reality.
“Ah”
“You’ve been spacing out a lot lately…”
“I promise you it’s nothing, like I said before, I’m just tired.”
“You know that’s a lie.” Utowin replies, pulling Easthies slightly closer to him. “You say you’ve been having doubts, right?” He pauses. “Is there any particular reason as to why?”
“The Silver Night Festival. Galga. Losing his memories. I feel like I could have prevented it.”Easthies responds, almost on the verge of tears. “I could have done something, we could have done something. And we didn’t.”
He leans into Utowin’s touch, embracing him in a hug. Easthies isn’t usually one for physical affection, but he’s so exhausted right now that he honestly doesn’t care. Utowin is warm, and he feels unusually comfortable, the same kind of comfort that he remembers receiving as a kid. Back when his biggest worries were the bullies back at school, when it was just the two of them against the world, relying on nothing but each other and their ambitious dreams.
“I understand. Galga was my friend too, but there’s nothing we could have done.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“That’s true. But dwelling on it won’t do anything, all we can do now is try and get back at the people who hurt him.” Utowin says, playing with Easthies hair, slowly taking it out of the ponytail that it’s usually in and letting it cascade down his back. “The more you worry, the worse it will get.”
“I know, but I can’t help but worry.” Easthies replies. “You know I’ve always been like that.”
“I do know that.” Utowin laughs. Light and honest and unusually reminiscent of their childhood. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Thank you.”
Utowin smiles, running his fingers through Easthies’ hair as he does so. It’s a nice feeling, and it somehow does a decent job at calming him down. “You don’t need to thank me, Eas. I’ve already told you that.”
“Again, It won’t hurt me to thank you once in a while.”
“I’m not denying that, it’s just weird to see you so honest.”
“Do you have a problem with my honesty?”
“Of course I don’t.” Utowin replies. “It’s just that I’m not used to it.”
Easthies can’t argue with that. Utowin is right after all. He’s never really been one for being open or upfront with his feelings, preferring to suppress them within his subconscious and letting them fester. It’s easier for him that way, burying himself in his work and ignoring the inevitable. It’s a bit too late for that now though, with everything just being a little too much to handle, as well as the fact that his work doesn’t seem to be distracting him in the way that it usually does.
That’s probably why he’s like this. Tired and vulnerable and way too honest for his own liking, crying into the shoulders of his oldest friend and slowly wondering where everything went wrong. He feels weak, weak in a way that he hasn’t been since he was young and it’s a feeling that he’s not used to.
He’s so used to pretending like he was strong enough to take on any burden, acting as though he were tougher than he actually is, and hiding any signs of weakness or imperfection that he’s never really had the courage to face his fears and doubts head on. It’s something that he hates admitting, because admitting it means that he’s finally acknowledging his own faults and flaws, but he’s also tired of lying to himself.
“You don’t have to be used to it, especially since it will most likely be a once in a lifetime opportunity.” Easthies says after a few minutes, moving his head away from Utowin’s shoulder slightly.
“Are you saying that this will be the only time you’ll ever open up in your life?”
“Pretty much.”
“You don’t even need me to tell you how stupid that is.” Utowin says, clearly judgmental of Easthies’ response. “For someone who appears to be as smart as you are, you can really be stupid sometimes.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Easthies retorts, slightly offended. “Just because I don’t like talking about my feelings doesn’t necessarily mean I’m stupid.”
“It kind of does.” Utowin laughs. “You can’t just keep everything bottled up like this.”
“Yes I can.”
“It’s okay to have emotions, Eas.”
“No it’s not. As a leader it’s my job to remain strong, to take on the burdens of those weaker than myself.” He pauses. If I’m unable to do that then what good am I?”
“You can still be a capable leader while showing emotion.”
“People will take advantage of me if I’m weak.” Easthies replies, vulnerability creeping into his voice. “It’ll be just like when we were younger.”
Utowin takes Easthies’ hands into his, squeezing them lightly “No. It won’t. I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen.”
Easthies can’t help but smile at his response, soft and honest and unusually open in nature. He honestly doesn’t know what he’d do without the other, and he’s even more glad that he’ll never have to find out. Utowin has always been a constant presence in his life, protecting him from those who tried to harm him in any way; making him laugh in the dead of night, with stupid jokes that had no right being as funny as they were. All small meaningless things to most people, but to Easthies, who still finds it hard to accept the love that he’s been given, it means everything to him.
He’s never had another person care about him in the way that Utowin does, so kind and selfless in nature that he would do anything to keep him safe. Easthies doesn’t even know why someone would want to help a person like him so badly, but somehow, despite everything, Utowin has always remained by his side. From childhood all the way to joining the Knights with him 10 years ago, he’s never left.
He doesn’t know why Utowin chooses to stay with him anymore, but he supposes that it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s still here, and all Easthies can do is cherish that, to hope that he makes good on his promise and to make sure that he protects Utowin in return. That they look after and support each other no matter what.
“I trust you to do just that then.”
“I’ll put my life on it, but only if you promise to open up more.” He pauses for a second. “Even if it’s only to me.”
Easthies sighs, lightheartedly admitting defeat. “Fine, I’ll talk about my feelings more.” He meets Utowin’s eyes. “Just be patient with me.”
“I’ve waited for you for over 20 years, I think I can handle a few more months.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course.”
Utowin doesn’t say anything else, choosing to pull Easthies in for another hug. It’s a lot tighter than the first one, warm and comforting and almost loving in nature. It’s nice, and Easthies can’t help but lean into the touch. Allowing it to consume him and protect him from the harsh realities that the world provides. He knows that he can’t run away from his problems forever, and that one day they’ll eventually catch up to him.
But there’s something about taking solace in the person you care about the most that makes it easier to bear. He might blame himself for what happened to Galga, that he wasn’t able to do the one thing that he swore to do, but he knows that Utowin is right. Worrying won’t get him anywhere. All he can do now is hope for the best, pray that they’re able to find the people who stole his memory and enact his revenge.
Easthies might act like all he has is his work, the work that slowly seems to be failing him the more he does it, but he also has Utowin. Bright and lively and always by his side. A constant reminder that he is loved and respected. His best friend, and most cherished companion. A person that he couldn’t live without, and as he clings into his arms, holding him as though he were the only person in the universe, he smiles. Knowing that despite everything, he’ll always have Utowin.
He wouldn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t, and he’s thankful that he’ll never have to find out.
They stay like that for a few minutes, only letting go once they hear the door open behind them. Easthies immediately acting like they weren’t hugging in the first place. Utowin might be Easthies’ closest friend, but he still has a reputation to maintain. A reputation that can’t be ruined over something as simple as a bit of vulnerability. He gives Utowin a slight smile, before dragging him back inside.
“You can spend the night with me if you’d like.” He pauses for a second, before realising how that could sound. “Not in a weird way of course, it’s just that I’d appreciate the company.”
Utowin chuckles. “I’d love to, just promise me you won’t force me to help you reorganise your notes or something stupid like that.”
“I can't make any promises.”
Utowin laughs again, giving Easthies a light smile. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Easthies smiles in response, knowing that even if has his doubts, he’ll always have Utowin, and that might not be a lot to some people, but to Easthies, it’s all he could ask for. Even if he never tells that to anyone else. Expect Utowin, although it’s likely that he knows that already.