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“I love you.”
Beatrice stared through the portal, hot tears forming in her eyes. It was too late. Ava was gone.
She could feel Lilith’ eyes burn into her back.
“You did what you had to do.”
For a brief moment Beatrice could see her former friend behind those words. Her sister. Someone who would be there for her in the aftermath of losing the person that had meant the most to her. But the moment was gone in an instant.
“There is a holy war coming. I really hope we end up on the same side.”
With a short nod Lilith turned around, spread her wings and disappeared into thin air, leaving nothing but devastating silence in her wake.
---
Beatrice did not know how much time had passed by the time Camila found her in front of the portal. All she knew was that the portal was closed and Ava was behind it and there was no way to get to her. They had won the battle, but the cost had been too high.
“Beatrice! What happened? We were fighting for our lives when all of the sudden all these fanatics just... stopped. Did you actually beat Ad-“
The younger nun stopped dead in her tracks as she surveyed the scene in front of her and gently approached her friend.
“Beatrice? Where is Ava?”
Gone. Gone. Ava was gone.
---
“She told me to take the halo. I refused.”
Beatrice swallowed. Maybe getting yelled at by Mother Superion would give her back some semblance of feeling other than the numbness that had swallowed her ever since they returned without Ava. Instead, her mentor looked at her with more compassion than Beatrice could handle at the moment.
“I couldn’t do it. I am sorry Mother Superion. I failed in my duty, but I needed her to have a chance to live through this.”
The older woman squeezed her arm.
“I understand. Now that Adriel is beaten for good maybe it was time for the halo to return where it came from. And maybe it will return to us with the warrior nun. Do not burden yourself with this choice, Sister.”
Burden herself with this choice? For a brief second Beatrice felt something akin to anger. She had a lot of regrets. Not taking the halo was not one of them. She gladly sacrificed the halo for a few more minutes with Ava and would have gladly given more if she would have had the chance. She swallowed the words she wanted to say and instead just shrugged.
“I just thought you should know."
Beatrice turned around to leave when she felt Mother Superions hand on her arm once more.
“Sister Beatrice, just one second. Before she left, she gave me this.”
There was an envelope in her hands with Beatrice’s name scribbled on it in squiggly unpracticed letters. There was no need to ask who the "she" in question was.
“I didn’t want to give it to you right after she..” Mother Superion stopped herself before she could finish the sentence. “Right after.” She cleared her throat. “Ava wanted you to have this. I hope it can bring you a little peace.”
Beatrice stared at the envelope. Part of her wanted to open it right there and then, desperate for any kind of connection to Ava. The other, bigger part of her panicked. If Ava never came back, this was the last bit of her she would ever get. And once she read it, it would truly be over.
She took the letter and placed it on her nightstand unopened, where it would remain for days.
---
There was a knock on her door.
“Can I come in?”
Wordlessly Beatrice opened the door and gestured for Camila to come in. The younger nun looked at her and waited until Beatrice returned her glance.
“How are you, Bea?”
“I am fine.”
The answer was automatic, even though her voice was a little creaky. She hadn’t spoken much in the last few days.
The younger nun took her hands.
“Bea. Don’t lie to me. I know you’re hurting. We all are but I can’t even imagine what you are going through. So please, talk to me. I promised you I would be there for you. Ava wouldn’t want this.”
Camila looked at her so kindly, so earnestly that she felt her resistance crumble.
“How can I help you? Do you need to talk? I can listen. Or do you need a distraction? Because I can do that, too. Tiktok, memes, tales of my suffering with the new bunch of recruits - you name it.”
Beatrice closed her eyes. What did she need? Camila was right that she couldn’t go on like this but she also didn’t know how to snap herself out of it. All her life she had been the rock for others in need but she had never really learned how to lean on others. She needed Ava. But she was beyond her reach for now. She would need to work with Jillian but no one had heard from the scientist since news of Micheal’s death had reached her. Without a clear path forward Beatrice was lost.
Camila interpreted her silence as a sign to continue babbling.
“Yasmin has been doing really well but some of the others -“
“She kissed me.” Beatrice found herself blurting out before she could stop herself. Camila instantly stopped talking and turned to her friend.
“Ava, I mean. Before she went to face Adriel by herself, she kissed me.”
Beatrice took a shaky breath not daring to look at her friend. This was the first time she had said it out loud. Yasmin had told everyone about Ava’s secret plan and what happened in the hallway but had kindly not mentioned what had happened between Beatrice and the warrior nun.
Camila squeezed her hand. When Beatrice looked up she was met with nothing but kindness and compassion. She felt angry tears welling in her eyes.
“She kissed me when she thought she was going to die and now I am left alone having to deal with all of it.”
“You’re not alone, Bea. You’re never alone. I am here for you.”
Beatrice sniffed and pointed at that nightstand.
“She left me a letter. I can’t open it. I’ve been staring at it for two days now and I just can’t bring myself to open it.”
“Do you need me to open it for you?”
“No. The letter is for me. I need to do this. It’s just... what if this is the last thing I have of her?”
“You know what’s nice about letters? You can re-read them. Besides, Ava is coming back. That girl is way too in love with you to just peace out to another dimension.”
Beatrice flashed back to that moment at the portal. I love you, Ava had said. Let me go. And eventually Beatrice did, unable to do anything but watch as the warrior nun’s body got swept to another world. In a cruel twist of fate, Beatrice had gotten exactly what she wanted, only for it to be taken from her seconds after.
---
She felt lighter since Camila had visited her. It had been good to finally talk about some of what she was going through. She had known that the younger nun wouldn’t judge her for her feelings for Ava, if anything Camila had been trying everything in her power to push them together. Still, after everything she had gone through as a teen, it had been a relief to feel nothing but support and friendship in response to her having feelings for another woman.
Beatrice chuckled to herself. Under normal circumstances she would be a wreck about the kiss. It should be making her question everything she had dedicated her life to, everything she had worked towards, but it all seemed small and meaningless compared to the void Ava had left.
She reached for the envelope on her nightstand with shaky fingers and allowed herself a few seconds to run her fingers along her name on top of it. She took a deep breath and carefully opened it, tears filling her eyes when she saw the entire page filled with Ava’s handwriting.
Dear Beatrice
I should start off by saying sorry. I hate lying to you but you would try to help and sacrifice yourself and I really can’t do this for a world you’re not in. You’re the best of all of us. You’re beautiful and resilient and kind and honest and carry the world on your shoulder and still so fucking funny sometimes. You’ve saved me over and over and didn’t even know you were doing it half the time.
I love you. Probably should have started out with that. I really hope I got to tell you in person.
I need you to live now, Bea. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to enjoy what used to bring you pain. I am sorry I can’t be there to tell you how beautiful you are all the time, but you are. And I need you to know it. I need you to believe it.
Remember when we were dancing at the bar? I think this was when I knew I was in love with you. You were so happy and so relaxed and all I wanted was to make sure you get more moments like these. So please, for me, live.
There is so much more I want to tell you but we are running out of time. Just know, no matter how this ends, it was all worth it. You made it worth the pain and the struggle and the confusion because for a brief moment I got to live. You made me understand. You made me a better person.
Yours always,
Ava
---
Beatrice looked at her crucifix necklace. She had no right to wear it anymore. She was finally, and truly done with the order. She put it down on the table in front of the divinium sword when Mother Superion and Camila approached from behind.
“Beatrice. The new recruits are waiting for you in the courtyard.”
She looked at at her mentor.
“I am sorry, Mother Superion. Someone else is going to have to teach them.”
Mother Superion took a deep breath, understanding in her eyes. They had known each other for years, after all. She nodded. Wordlessly Beatrice walked passed her, squeezing Camilas arm when she reached the younger nun. She would be back. Not as a sister warrior, but as a friend. At some point. For now she had her own mission to complete.
She walked past the courtyard, past all the recruits fighting. Father Vincent was watching her from a distance. She nodded and smiled, finding that her contempt for him had been dulled. He would spend the rest of his life making up for what he did, but she was not going to waste any more emotion on his weakness.
For the first time since Ava had gone through the portal Beatrice found herself smiling. She was free. She had left the order in the first decision that she had truly made for herself in years. She hoped Ava would be proud of her.