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Time was Emilie’s least favorite thing. Whenever time seemed to move too fast, it always countered by slowing down. That’s where she was at this moment. She’d gotten sick so fast, she’d watched her son grow up so fast. Yet, her life was on a schedule, and that seemed to be taking forever. Time had always moved strangely for her, but nothing was as sudden as (yet another) trip to the hospital which had resulted in her indefinite bed rest.
Who was she kidding, this would last forever. Or at least it would has her “ever”.
The only instance where she actually enjoyed time, was when the time was between 12am and 1am. That’s when she’d hear the light clicks of a small heel walking towards her room. She could feel a joyful smile on her face, feelings she thought she hadn’t felt since before him, before she felt so alone, secluded. It’s not that she never had visitors, she was crowded by doctors and nurses all day. Of course she’d never love anything more that whenever Adrien could slip away for a moment to see her.
But /she/ was different.
Dark hair and formal attire, a figure stood in the doorway. Her expression unreadable to anyone else, yet her eyes seemed focused on the carpet beneath her. Emilie smiled gently at the woman, eyeing the glass of ice water she held in her hand.
“Nathalie.”
“I know you get thirsty, I know you get up in the middle of the night.” Her voice all but accusatory.
“I do.” Emilie knew Nathalie was terrified. She knew the anxiety that ate at her every night was caused by her.
“You’re supposed to be on bed rest, how will you get better if you d-“
“Nath come in.” Emilie patted the space by her bed where a few cushions sat. It’s as if she had known, maybe she had.
Nathalie sighed, slowly stepping in the room, gently closing the door careful not to make any noise. She set the glass of water on her night stand before sitting down by her bed, making sure she could still see her face.
“You can’t just defy the doctor’s wishes like that, Emilie. It’s to keep you alive.” It was a cry, a hand reaching out for anything. Nathalie was scared, she’d always been and only Emilie knew that.
Emilie stared straight, not meeting her eyes. She felt a laugh caught in the back of her throat, “I’m not alive.”
“Don’t say that.” Nathalie’s voice was just above a whisper as she turned her head away from her lover. Deep down she knew Emilie was right, this was no way to live.
They stayed like that for a while. “That” being looking as far away from each other as they possibly could. Afraid one imperfect glance, or wrong word would be their last.
“I don’t get up because I want water, Nathalie.” She imagined the feeling of carpet, marble, wood, or any flooring, the touch of cold glass as she held an ice cold water in the kitchen. It’d been years since she was anywhere but here on her death bed. Or maybe it’d only been weeks. She didn’t know, she hated time.
“I know that. You think I don’t?”
“I know you know.”
“You bring me water because you’re scared my last breath won’t be with you.” Emilie sat up, bringing her hand down to guide Nathalie’s gaze back up at hers, fingers just brushing by her cheek, “I’m scared too.”
“I wanted to share so much more than hospital visits and midnight talks with you.” Nathalie choked out, “Am I cruel for wanting you all to myself? For hoping that if anything happened it was when we were alone? Together?”
Emilie shifted so she could face her lover, bringing their faces dangerously close together, but not yet touching.
“I wanted it too. It doesn’t make you cruel, but it does me. I’m the one who’s married and has a kid, Nath.” She teased, her lips curling into a playful smile as she eyed the other woman’s lips.
“Right.” Nathalie whispered before their lips connected once, then twice, then a kiss on the cheek. Just like last night, and the night before. They kissed and they held hands. They sat by each other and they slept, touched the skin on their faces and arms. It was something they knew they couldn’t live without.
But Nathalie knew she would have to someday.
“I want you there when I die.“
“If you die.”
“When. I die.” She paused before continuing, “You’ll take care of Adrien for me, won’t you?” Emilie worried as she reached for Nathalie’s hand. Nathalie who was now sitting on the opposite end of the bed looked directly at her.
“What about Gabriel? His father??”
“I worry about him, Adrien. Gabriel is cold, but he loved me dearly. A part of me fears what he will become once I..”
“A part of you?”
“All of me.”
Nathalie simply hummed in response.
“I trust you.” Emilie said, now fully sitting up and scooting closer, “I know you love my son like your own. You’ve been more of a parent than his own.”
“You gave him all you could, Emilie. You can’t blame yourself for your condition.”
“Can’t I?” Her voiced cracked as she looked away quickly, “I chose to wear that broken miraculous because I thought that would prove my love. What I never considered was that I couldn’t prove something that never existed.”
Emilie broke down, tears streaming down her face all at once. Nathalie hugged her, more than hugged her. She held her. She loved her.
“But I /do/ love my son, Nathalie…and I love you.” She sobbed, gripping onto her friend, her lover like her life depended on it. Maybe it did.
Nathalie pulled back and Emilie could see she’d been crying. Albeit silently, typical Nathalie.
“I love you too, and Adrien loves you, he always will. You know I’ll keep him safe.”
“I know he’s safe, Nath. I want him happy.”
Nathalie didn’t reply, how could she? She knew this place was doomed from the start and Emilie knew it too.
Nathalie offered a small smile before getting up, “Sleep well.”
Emilie quickly grabbed Nathalie’s wrist as she began to walk towards the door, “Stay.”
Nathalie stared at her, blue eyes searching her green before she pulled away, “That’s your job.”