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Sometimes Steve had to leave.
It really bothered him that he did, but Bucky was still recovering and he couldn't let Bucky see him like he was when he left.
So the other's stepped in. Bruce would ask Bucky for help on something, Clint would take him to a baseball game or the shooting range, Tony would ask to inspect the arm again, and Thor would ask to watch a movie with him to be updated on Midguard culture. Bucky assumed it was because Steve thought he should step back and have Bucky be social with other people, which was fine, he liked the team well enough. Everyone pitched in but Natasha. She was always as missing as Steve.
Steve was actually at Natasha's private apartment in Jersey. For a couple of days he would stay and get everything out. Lay in bed, sip the tea Nat would make him, try not to let the thoughts get to him. And when they did, he would sit on the couch, let Natasha wrap her arms around him and let the tears fall.
Sometimes he talked, sometimes he physically couldn't get anything past his lips besides mandatory food and drink.
When he did talk it was about the way Bucky would push him away, the sting of not being wanted hurting from his past. It was what got him down the most. He spent a lot of his life being unwanted. Sure he had Bucky and Peggy and the Commandos but sometimes the weight of everyone's rejection was just too much. No one wanted a skinny asthmatic, and no one wanted Steve Rogers, they just wanted their 15 minutes of fame with Captain America.
It didn't used to be this bad. He hates it, but before Bucky, he had the help of everyone and it wasn't a secret. He didn't have to worry about being a burden, they all had problems they came to him with. Now he's not letting himself show that he has any problems when Bucky's around.
He can't even take medication for it. Metabolizes it too fast for any use.
Natasha suggested once that he let Bucky in on the secret but Steve has no idea how Bucky will take the information. He could lash out and make it worse for Steve, or stow his own problems and have it blow up in both their faces, or Bucky leaves which helps neither of them. She hasn't brought it up again. Said she'd think of a solution.
However, it strings out too long. Bucky is as okay as he's going to get and that's pretty damn okay. He's back to his old self more or less. So he finds it odd when Steve still leaves at random times, Bucky socializes with the group very willingly. He figures out that it probably wasn't forced socialization then.
Steve has a secret.
To which he thinks, 'maybe he's getting together with Natasha' because she's always gone when he is. Bucky can't blame him, he deserves a girl like Nat and vice versa. However it doesn't stop Bucky from being hurt that Steve would keep it from him. They're best friends, they tell each other everything.
So of course, he brings it up. Sam said communication is key to healthy behaviour.
"So how are things with Natasha?" Bucky says at dinner with just the two of them. It's spaghetti Monday.
Steve gives him a weird look, "Um, fine. Still kicking my ass at poker."
Which sets Bucky aback just a bit. He thought his question was as provoking as one could get without being totally blunt. Still, he barreled on.
"You take her out dancing?" He asks.
"Nah, she doesn't like dancing, says it was never a reliable skill." Steve answers without looking up and taking a bite of the pasta.
"Well, you take her to a movie?" He presses.
Steve chuckles, "It's more like she takes me to a movie. Well, her and Clint, they like to make fun of things the actors say. I usually sit far away from them to actually enjoy the film."
The fork clatters against the plate and Bucky bursts, "Steve please, just fucking tell me, stop dancing around the subject!" Bucky sticks his eyes on a spot on the table. He can't really look at his friend right now.
It's silent for a minute, then Steve sets down his fork. "What subject?" He says carefully.
Bucky blows out the breath he was holding, "The one where you currently run off to date Natasha. There's a lot of shit I expected you to hold from me Steve but this is just stupid." Now he's looking at Steve and damn he's got that hurt puppy look on his face.
In a very small voice, Steve answers, "I'm not dating anyone."
Which just confuses Bucky further, however he does deflate on his anger.
"Then why do you guys leave?" Bucky asks, trying to keep the hurt from his voice. He almost succeeds.
Steve lets out a big sigh and pushes his chair away from the table, thinking. Bucky guesses he comes to a conclusion, "Let me talk to Nat about it. I'll show you but I need to let her know." And with that he leaves, dumping his plate into the sink and going to bed.
Bucky honestly doesn't have idea what to expect.
When Steve goes to bed he sends Natasha a text,
'We have to show him.'
'You sure?'
'I don't think he'll be mad.'
'Your choice. Do you feel it?'
'No, but soon I think. Things are going too good.'
'I'll buy more water bottles and tea then'
He sends her a heart emoji and shuts off his phone and tries to sleep.
Though it really is a week or so until it hits again. Steve drags himself out of bed and puts himself on a train to Jersey. It's only been an hour and he's already exhausted.
Before he headed out, he scribbled out the address of the apartment on note left on the counter for Bucky to see.
His chest hurts, and there's Natasha waiting for him on the front step of the building. They go up and Steve goes for the couch to curl up. The radio gets switched on to a classical station and it helps take his mind off the bad thoughts for a moment.
It's another hour before there's a knock at the door. Natasha gets up from her spot on the couch to answer it.
"Why the fuck am I in Jersey, this place is-" Bucky starts.
"Shh. Come inside, be quiet." Nat interrupts softly.
Bucky's about to say something until he sees Steve in a ball on the couch. Suddenly he's in 1938, and seeing Steve close himself off to everything. Bucky knows what's going on. Quickly but quietly, he makes his way over to his friend, who stares dead on at the wall, not really aware that Bucky is in front of him.
So, Bucky toes off his shoes, strips his jacket and carefully gets in beside Steve and hugs him close to his chest, just like he did in the past. And Steve melts into it, tears falling into his face and the couch. Natasha takes her spot by their feet back and plays silently on her phone.
While he doesn't like it, Bucky understands now why this was kept from him. And he can wager a guess that he wasn't helping much in his own recovery. Times of pushing Steve away, flinching at his touch haunt him. However, they grip each other tightly, Steve talks a bit and eats some. He downs water because he knows the crying will make him dehydrated, which is a good sign. It shows that he's not totally gone and lost in his depression.
They all spend three days there, it hasn't been that short of a visit in a while. It was mutually decided that they would no longer need the apartment now that Bucky knew and was actually the best at taking care of Steve.
Which was good because it was a couple weeks later when the intense cuddling became intense making out, much to the surprise of no one.
Neither of their problems went away fully, but they had each other and the rest of the gang.