Work Text:
I want to make you drive all night
Just because I said, "Maybe you should come over"
Want to make you fall in love as hard as my poor parent's teenage daughter
She'll be the best you ever had, if you let her
― Waiting Room / Phoebe Bridgers
One: Amelia
Kai meets her at the point of no return.
They step in front of her as she goes to shove open the door to scrub, effectively cutting her off, and she blinks.
She’d never even noticed them, too wrapped up in her own thoughts to really see anything else.
Breathe. You’re fine.
Amelia lifts her chin, meeting their eyes. She sees concern there. It’s faint, like they’re not sure if they’re allowed to worry.
“Dr Bartley.”
Kai’s eyes flicker over her face, taking in what lies there, and she’s suddenly glad this corridor is completely empty, glad the hospital has quietened down for a minute. She feels shaky, too shaky to be standing in front of a lot of people and doing a surgery right now. Rattled.
“Dr Shepherd,” her name sounds different when they say it, wrapped in layers of something soft that she can’t decipher. “You okay?”
“I-” A different room, Richard’s eyes on her, everyone’s eyes on her. Are you okay? Hospital hallways carry a different kind of fear now, and Owen is going to be on her operating table and if she slips he could-
(Herman’s gone blind, your baby died, Derek’s dead. Derek’s dead. He’s-)
“Amelia?”
She blinks again, tearing herself out of that spiral before it can take more of a root than it already has, before it can drag her down and down and down.
Kai is still looking at her with something so steady in their eyes. Amelia wonders if that steadiness can be rocked, how often it does rock.
She wonders if Kai Bartley ever feels like they’re drowning in the middle of a hospital hallway.
“Yeah, sorry,” she says after a beat, and neither of them mention the waver in her voice. “I’m fine.
“You don’t look fine.” Their eyes are bright under the flickering overhead lighting. “Are you?”
“I-” She feels like she’s choking in this much quiet, suffocating under the reality of Kai’s gaze. They can see her, they see all of this and it’s fucking terrifying. Three hours ago they held her tight enough, kissed her hard enough to make her knees feel weak. That may as well have been another lifetime now.
After a beat of silence, Kai takes a decisive step closer. They thread careful fingers through her hair, tilting her face up and gently forcing her to meet their eyes. Amelia’s throat feels suddenly tight, but some of the rapidly building tension eases.
“Whatever it is,” they say softly, thumb brushing over the curve of her jaw, and she doesn’t know a single thing in the world except for the fact that this feels safe, they feel safe. “You can say it. No judgement.”
Amelia closes her eyes, leaning into the warmth of the touch slightly, and breathes.
“I’m scared that I-”
Someone clears their throat quietly. “Dr Shepherd?”
Her eyes snap open at the sound of Nico’s voice, and the warmth of Kai’s touch lingers as she steps away from it, turning towards him. For the count of three seconds, no one speaks. There’s something apologetic in Nico’s eyes, like he’s sorry for breaking the spell of quiet.
There’s something soft there too.
“They’re ready for you.” he tells her, eyes flickering over to Kai. “The gallery’s open too, if you’re interested.” A pause. “Second door on your left.”
Kai’s fingers graze her elbow as they move past her with a nod, and for a second their eyes meet. A faint smile curves their lips, and some of the invisible tension coiled in her shoulders dissipates.
“Good luck,” they murmur, fingers wrapping around her forearm for a brief moment. “And look after yourself.”
Amelia just nods, biting back the unsaid words as their grip loosens and they step back.
I don’t want you to go.
But she can’t say it, not now. And she wouldn’t anyway, even if Nico wasn’t still standing there pretending he’s not listening, trying to give them a second of privacy.
“Yeah,” she breathes. “I’ll see you after.”
And then they’re gone, and she’s left to turn back towards Link’s friend, something set in her expression. He sees it, sees that unspoken steel daring him to comment on what he’d walked in on.
“Can you-” Amelia doesn’t know what she wants to say. It’s not a secret, she doesn’t want it to be a secret. It’s certainly not something she’s ashamed of, and she knows Nico isn’t one to gossip but-
“I saw nothing,” he tells her with that hint of a smile, and she thinks she catches something more gentle there as well. “But we should go. I don’t want to be the cause of a war in this surgery.”
Amelia huffs a laugh at that, rolling her shoulders slightly to loosen them before following him through the door.
.
It’s almost completely silent in the OR.
No one has moved out of their assigned spots, even the air has gone still. But there’s an unspoken pressure, a tension so tangible she can smell it simmering in the air around them. They haven’t started yet, and suddenly Amelia wishes childishly that someone else could do this surgery, could take over, could fix it so she doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s because it’s Owen they’re operating on, or because it’s Link next to her. Maybe it’s something else entirely.
Amelia’s conscious of the fact that she can feel her heartbeat in her ears. That’s not a normal reaction to a surgery, she’s done this enough times to know. She also knows the tingling sensation of panic well enough to recognise that too. She can feel Link next to her and he’s mad, she can sense the annoyance coming off him in waves.
It’s not helping. It’s making something in her chest tighten and it’s not helping because it’s Owen on this table and suddenly her hands are shaking. Her hands are shaking because god what if she fucks this up and kills him and-
“Dr Shepherd.” Her eyes snap to the gallery, broken out of that spiral of thoughts by the steadiness in Kai’s voice. They’re standing by the intercom now, something so calm in their eyes. She hadn’t even seen them come in. “You okay?”
It’s the second time they’ve asked her that in an hour. She doesn’t know how to lie, but also can’t just announce mid-surgery that all she can think about is Megan Hunt waiting for an update one floor above them.
Amelia still feels like she can’t breathe, but nods around that tightening in her chest just as a tremor rocks the scalpel in her hand. Skin lies untouched in front of them. She can feel the beginnings of a panic attack dancing at the edge of her fingers, can’t get enough air in.
“Great, yeah,” she gets out around gritted teeth because panic right now isn’t helping, it’s not helping.
“Take a step back?” comes the gentle reply and she just shakes her head, suddenly feeling like she’s about to cry or scream and she can’t do either in front of all these people, not here. Not with Link next to her, with Kai watching. On the other side of the operating table, Nico looks up.
“I-”
“Dr Shepherd, is there a problem?”
That’s Link now, his tone coldly professional under fluorescent lights, and as she shakes her head, Nico meets her eyes again. There’s some sort of an understanding there.
“I need-” get it together. “Just give me a minute.”
“We don’t have time for you to-”
“We do,” Nico interjects quietly, and everyone turns to look at him. “We’re ahead of time right now. It’s not like he’s at any risk of bleeding out, and rushing now risks a mistake.” A nod, as if he needs to hear it himself as well. “Give her a minute.”
She’ll thank him properly later, thank him when it doesn’t feel like her heart is about to beat out of her chest.
“Amelia,” that’s Kai again, something steadier in their voice now, less negotiable. Still safe, still calm, but the note of certainty grounds her. “Just take a step back.”
She steps back slightly, ignoring the whispers, ignoring the way Link’s eyes are flicking back and forth between the two of them.
“Okay,” Kai says, giving her that quiet, beautiful smile as she looks up to meet their gaze, the one that makes her want to kiss them breathless. “You’re in the Manuel Antonio National Park, just off the coast of Costa Rica.” Their voice takes on that gentle lull, the one that makes her want to close her eyes and breathe, the one that makes her feel calm. “The sea stretches for miles, and all you can hear is the quiet of the waves.”
There’s something soothing about this, even under the glaring lights of the OR, even with all eyes on this surgery. Kai talks her through a feeling of peace, and Amelia breathes. For a moment, it’s like they’re the only two people in the world.
There are five seconds of silence, and the simmering tension has vanished. When Amelia meets Nico’s gaze again, she thinks she catches a hint of a smile.
“Start the clock,” she says into the quiet, and then the white noise of surgery drowns the rest out.
.
They’re three and a half hours in when Link’s patience runs out.
In hindsight, she’s surprised he lasted as long as he did.
She sees his throat bob out of the corner of her eye, sees Nico’s scalpel pause for a fraction of a second before Link speaks.
“Can we clear the gallery?”
Nico glances at him, then back to Amelia. There’s a note of something she can’t read in his tone when he speaks. She thinks he’s caught on faster than she has, there’s no confusion in his gaze.
“Is that really necessary?”
Amelia looks up on instinct, and Kai’s clear eyes meet her own with a bemused smile. She turns back to Link, brows furrowing a little. Confused. Confused. Why now?
“What?”
“Can we clear the gallery,” he repeats, and it’s less of a question this time. “I need to focus and it’s crowded up there.”
When she looks again, she can see it’s busy but not more than usual, not more than any other surgery.
“Link-”
His voice raises sharply in volume, cutting her off mid sentence. “I said, can we clear it.”
She reels in a flinch at the sudden shout, refuses to react further than a blink, grip tightening slightly on her scalpel. Kai is half standing now, and as Link glances between them again, suddenly Amelia gets it.
He saw us. She almost wants to laugh about how trivial it all is, wants to take three steps back from Link and bolt out of this surgery. But they’re too far in now, probably why he picked now of all times to do this. Why did he pick now, why is he doing this now, why-
He’s doing it now whether you like it or not, she tells herself grimly. Get it together.
Something twists Nico’s expression, Amelia isn’t sure she’s ever really seen him annoyed before. But he lets it go, and it makes it a little easier for her to do the same.
People begin to file out of the gallery, and she watches, motionless, as Kai hesitates. Waiting, she realises, for her. Checking.
There’s a small, too tired part of Amelia that wants to say don’t go, that wants someone to hold her hand through this, that wants to hide from the sharpness of this reality. She doesn’t want to stand in a room alone with Link and this painful, cold feeling sitting heavy in her chest. She wants all of that warmth back, the memory of Kai’s fingers brushing her jaw flashing at the forefront of her mind.
“You heard him, Dr Bartley,” she says instead with a quiet smile. I’m alright. “Clear the gallery.”
Kai lifts a shoulder in an easy shrug, glancing back once before the door closes, and all she does is pray they can’t see her faltering from there, prays Link can’t see it either. If Amelia is honest with herself, she thinks right now she’s more angry than anything else. But they have a patient, and she has an obligation in many more ways than one. So she shelves the anger, just for a little longer.
The rest of the surgery passes in silence.
.
When she finally does catch Link on his own, almost as soon as they walk out of the OR, it feels like a ten tonne weight lifted off her shoulders
Not that the argument is nice, far from it. It’s ugly and barbed and painful but Amelia feels like she can breathe again after, feels like maybe at least they aren’t dancing around this awkwardness anymore.
Maybe it leaves a little room for something better to come, she doesn’t know.
She lets him leave, doesn’t sacrifice any sort of dignity to chase him down and explain. He can think what he wants. She’s past caring, past thinking it’s necessary for her to justify every transgression in her whole life to him.
Kai finds her again, it’s uncanny their ability to know where the hell she is, especially in a hospital they can’t have been in for more than 48 hours. That kiss feels like a lifetime ago now.
She’s leaning against a wall in the attending's lounge with her eyes closed, when the door opens again and quiet amusement filters into the room.
“I’m not sure I’ve got a free pass to be in here.”
Amelia opens her eyes, watching them close the door quietly and come to stand in front of her.
“Rest of the surgery go okay?”
She nods slowly, still so beyond tired, exhausted down to her bones. “All fine, yeah.”
“One of the other doctors-” there’s an unspoken question there, and she knows they aren’t going to push her if she shuts it down now. But-
“My ex,” Amelia says with a rueful smile. “Saw us.”
“Oh.” Realisation flares to life in their gaze. “Oh. Okay. So he saw us kissing.”
Amelia nods a confirmation. “Yeah. And I just-” she breaks off, shaking her head. There’s a sudden burning in her eyes, and she closes them against it. She feels a faint pressure as Kai reaches out, tucking a strand of hair away from her face. Their touch is warm as she meets their gaze.
There’s a small crease between their eyebrows that looks a lot like concern. She reaches up and smooths it out with her thumb gently, regardless of the certainty that she’d been the one to put it there in the first place. Kai’s expression softens in the half light of the room, other hand shifting to grip her waist, careful fingers brushing a strip of exposed skin.
“Talk to me,” they murmur. “What’s going on?”
She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know. But suddenly it’s all reeling off in her head out of nowhere, a beat too fast to keep up with. There’s been an accident. Link shouting, Kai leaving . Scalpel in her hand, Owen on the table, Megan the floor above hoping that her brother makes it out alive. Derek died. It’s a bad day, it’s allowed to be a bad day. But it feels overwhelming and she’s so fucking tired she just-
“I don’t know, I’m sorry, fuck-” she’s crying suddenly, doesn’t know where this is all coming from and she can’t stop fucking crying at the moment. Their hands are steady on her face now, tilting it up, thumbs brushing her cheeks.
Get it together Dr Shepherd, she tells herself, and god it’s been a while since she’s felt like this much of a mess, a fucking trash fire of all these big, messy emotions.
“Amelia, hey,” they say, and it’s so gentle she feels like she’s about to snap in half but isn’t made of glass, full body recoils at the idea of being treated like it. “Look at me, what happened?”
“There is just-” she laughs and it doesn’t come out as steady as she’d intended. “It’s just a lot of stuff. There’s a lot.”
“Okay,” their gaze flickers over her features. “Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to stay here for a minute?”
“Stay, I think.” Her voice sounds suddenly empty even to her own ears. “I didn’t mean to- '' to what, she doesn’t know. I didn’t mean to worry you. I didn't mean to scare you. I didn’t mean to show you that I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.
But they don’t push her and she doesn’t say it, just presses her face into Kai’s shirt and closes her eyes, shifting her weight closer and letting them pull her into a hug. It feels safe here, things are softer, the tightness in her chest is easing into something calmer, quieter.
“Sorry,” she mumbles into the fabric, and dimly there’s the feeling of warm fingers brushing through her hair gently, smoothing it back.
“What are you apologising for?” They ask softly, and Amelia isn’t sure she can give them an answer, doesn’t really know anymore. So she just shakes her head, closing her eyes
The words come a moment later, quiet in the semi darkness. “I’m not usually like this, I promise.”
Kai hums, pressing a kiss to her head. “Like what exactly?“
Amelia chokes on a laugh, leaning further into their touch. “A mess. I’m usually a little less of a mess. As a generalisation. And I don’t want to freak you out.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Their hands smooth over her hips in the din light of the lounge. “We’re okay. I’ve never cared about a bit of a mess, and I don’t intend to start now.” She can feel their smile as they lean down to kiss her gently. “It isn’t something that scares me.”
Amelia nods, meeting their eyes. She feels more calm than she has in a while, more grounded. Safe.
“Thank you,” she says quietly, and it feels real.
“Do you want to grab a drink? I’ve got a couple of hours to kill before my flight.”
She angles her head slightly. “I don’t drink.”
For a second, Kai searches her eyes, and maybe they’re seeing the unsaid story that’s written somewhere on her face. But without missing another beat they just nod, inclining their head towards the exit.
“Okay, maybe fries then? Or we can go somewhere with actual food.”
Jesus. She’s not going to cry just because they’re being nice and normal and respectful and asking if she wants to get food. She’s not.
“Fries sound good actually,” she winds her fingers through theirs, giving them a gentle tug towards the door. “And then dinner next time when you’re not rushing for a flight.”
Kai looks at her, a teasing amusement dancing across their features.
“Fair warning Shepherd, I don’t share my fries with just anyone. This is not a small thing.”
Amelia just raises her eyebrows, nudging them gently with her hip.
“Who said anything about sharing fries? Getting ahead of yourself a little now.”
Kai laughing is a welcome surprise, and Amelia can’t help but grin as they do, the sound bright and amused as they make their way towards the door.
Two: Kai
When they come out of the bar, Amelia is smiling again.
Kai notes it with some semblance of relief, because anything is better than the faltering look from earlier. Fries helped them both, they think, steadied the fault lines a little. It also got her smiling again, smiling in a way that makes them want to kiss her breathless.
“I had a good time tonight,” Amelia says quietly as they make their way into the parking lot , and Kai realises with a swooping feeling in their stomach that she’s nervous, eyes darting away in the evening light.
They just smile a little, reaching out absentmindedly to tuck a strand of her hair back, watching as her breath catches at the movement. Their fingers linger by the side of her face for a moment as the nerves ease out of Amelia’s expression.
“Me too,” Kai says softly, and wonders if the neurosurgeon is aware of what she does to their heart rate, wonders what it would take to keep Amelia Shepherd smiling at them like this forever.
“Don’t you have a plane to catch?”
Kai just hums, thumb brushing over her jaw gently, watching as she leans into the touch. They don’t know how she got so close suddenly, but she smells like jasmine at this distance, and it’s just about wiping every other thought from their head.
“Oh ,” Amelia whispers, and it comes out breathless as they back her up against the wall, leaning down to let her tug them into a kiss.
When they pull away a minute later, Amelia’s cheeks are flushed.
“Yeah,” they tell her with a grin. “I should probably get going.”
Something flares to life in the neurosurgeon’s eyes, and Kai recognises it as something familiar, as a look of want. Fingers curl around their own gently, pulling them closer, and her gaze drops to their lips.
“Or,” she whispers, and Kai closes their eyes as her hands trail over their shoulders to tangle in their hair. “Or you could stay.”
They want to work out a way to bottle the smile in her voice, bottle it and get drunk on it and fucking live in it. Instead they just kiss her again, winding their arms around her and wondering if it would be possible to freeze time and stay here forever.
“Plane,” Kai says against her lips with zero intention of actually going anywhere near a fucking airport right now, and they can feel her smiling into the kiss.
“Bet they’ll refund you.”
“Oh so you really want me to stay,” they murmur, hands slipping under the fabric of her jacket to curve around her waist.
“Yeah,” something in Amelia’s voice sounds a little hoarse, eyes dark in the evening light. “I really do.”
“You,” they tell her, brushing skin as their hands slide under the hem of her shirt. She’s warm to the touch and it’s making it wildly hard to think. “Are a very difficult woman to say no to.”
Amelia smiles at them and god they’re too far gone for this, in endlessly too deep where her eyes are concerned.
“You could claim an emergency. They’ll probably give you a pity refund.”
Kai chokes on a laugh, and the building tension between them breaks. Amelia shifts forward, resting her head against their chest for a moment, voice slightly muted by the fabric
“If you’re actually leaving, you really have to stop trying to take my clothes off.”
They lean down, lips brushing her ear as she lifts her head.
“Shepherd when I really want to take your clothes off, you’ll know about it.”
There’s a small intake of breath, they feel the movement of her ribs against their fingertips. She stares at them for a long moment in silence, and then her eyes flick down to their lips.
It takes another five seconds, it seems, for Amelia to regain her voice.
“You need to go,” she tells them, and Kai just raises their eyebrows with a faint smile.
“I do?”
Amelia mutters something that sounds a lot like fuck, stepping back out of their grip.
“You do,” she says decisively, “right now.”
Kai isn’t even bothering to hide a smile now, there’s an incredible amount of satisfaction in knowing that Amelia Shepherd is flustered.
“Dare I ask why?”
Her hand flattens against their chest, a physical barrier, fingers flexing slightly against the fabric. Even a touch like that is enough to send electricity sparking across their skin.
“Because if you don’t get on a plane in the next two ministers we’re definitely going to have sex.”
They grin, fingers reaching up to brush her own. “Are we talking about sex generally? Or sex right now.”
“Right now,” Amelia tells them, and she sounds relatively sure of the fact. “Probably in this parking lot. You’re doing the thing. With all the smiling and the touching and it makes me want to make out with you. And it’s too late to book a hotel and I live with kids. And we can’t do sex if we haven’t even done dinner.”
“And this dinner thing,” they ask, angling their head slightly. “This is a definite rule?”
Amelia nods, smile tugging at her lips. “Definite rule.”
“Shame,” they hum, leaning forward to kiss her, and her cheeks are flushed again when they pull away
“You’re shameless, has anyone ever told you that before?”
Kai laughs, stepping back and sliding their hands into their pockets so they don’t reach for her again. “It comes up in conversation.”
Amelia just shakes her head but she’s smiling, and they want to keep it that way for as long as humanly possible. “Go catch your stupid plane.”
They bite back a grin, and it’s far too easy to tease her like this. “We should grab dinner some time, if you’re around.”
Her expression softens slightly at the words, and Kai wonders if this is about more than just sex, if maybe some of the time slowing, calming feeling of safety goes both ways.
“Sure,” Amelia says, something in her gaze sparkling. “I’d love that.”
The tension has shifted into something different, and they think they could be content staying like this for a long time.
Kai fishes the rental keys out of their bag, glancing back at her for a minute. This day feels endless, a hundred years long. But not really in a bad way, not in a way that scares them. “Bye Amelia.”
“Bye,” she says softly, and Kai doesn’t trust their self control enough to look back again as they make their way towards the car.