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I have feelings for you.
The words are miles easier to say whispered under loud music than they are outloud.
That wasn’t to say that even whispering them was easy, of course. It was beyond difficult to utter the words, even quiet, even with Noelle sure there would be no way for Akarsha to hear. It takes a certain courage to share something so vulnerable, so personal, and admit it to someone. To admit it to yourself. Noelle would be blatantly lying to herself to even pretend it was easy.
But it was a good first step- scratch that- it was a tremendous first step, especially by her standards. But dipping her toes in the water wasn’t enough for her anymore. She needed at least a foot in, or maybe an ankle if she dared.
So, Noelle tested the waters.
She would whisper it under her breath when she was positive Akarsha couldn’t hear. Maybe she just liked saying it. The terrifying, electric feeling Akarsha gave her had gotten less scary over time. It felt like there was something that Noelle wasn’t quite seeing- and it was one of the most annoying feelings in the world. She hated when an answer was right in front of her, but she couldn’t see it. Maybe a part of her took a little pride in it- as much as she was still grasping with the fact that this complete clown had wormed her way into her heart and thrown her whole life off track- a part of her still wanted to shout it from the rooftops a little. To tell the world she likes Akarsha. That she has feelings for Akarsha.
Even if Noelle was trying this entire being-who-she-is thing out, it didn’t make the idea twist her gut any less. It was nerve wracking, having one person completely drive you off the careful path you were put on. Someone who you hope could one day help you build your own path. It would be the least Akarsha owed her, being the one to derail her plans completely. But yet, the idea didn’t sound unappealing. Not one bit.
Akarsha had ruined everything, but wasn’t it so, so wonderful that she had?
“I have feelings for you.” Noelle whispered quietly, faced on her side.
Akarsha- sound asleep- was eased and relaxed, and Noelle briefly contemplated just how absurd all of Akarsha's insecurities were. Akarsha was smart. She should know better. She should know she’s beautiful. Couldn’t she see it, just as Noelle did right now?
Noelle smiled, the smallest she could allow herself to. That was the closest she’d ever whispered that to Akarsha, and based on her facial expressions, she was none the wiser.
“I have feelings for you.” Noelle repeated, just a little louder. Just a little less quiet. Maybe someday it wouldn’t just be a whisper under her breath.
“Did you say something?” Akarsha groaned, slowly waking, rubbing at her eyes. “Oh- oh crap , I totally fell asleep on you. Sorry, frenchie.”
Noelle took a moment, caught off guard. In all honesty, she hadn’t expected Akarsha to wake up. She froze, falling into silence. Akarsha hadn’t heard, right? Noelle could assume that much based on her initial response while waking up. It was another close call, and yet there was still this subtle sadness that pulled at her heartstrings. After all she’d realized these past few months, the realization a less-than-small part of her wanted Akarsha to hear shouldn’t have been as flustering as it was.
“Earth to Noelle?” Akarsha waved a hand in front of her face, attempting to snap her fingers. Akarsha wasn’t very good at snapping her fingers though, so it just looked more like Akarsha was flicking her fingers together. “You’re doing that thing where you started glaring at me for no reason again. Geez, my bad for taking a nap. Can you blame me? I’m a sleep deprived sixteen year old.”
Noelle took a deep breath, zoning back in. “It’s… acceptable. We were studying hard. I suppose an occasional break is fine. Besides, it just gives me more time to get ahead of you.”
“Whuh- hey, no fair! That’s— That’s practically a scheme !” Akarsha gawked, raising a hand to cover her mouth in faux-horror.
“Precisely. I’ll play your game.” Noelle grinned. “Not only will I scheme , I will do so more intelligently than you’re capable of.”
“Aw, does that mean I’m rubbing off on you?” Akarsha smiled, a mischievous air surrounding her like it always did. She rested her chin on her fist that had been previously covering her mouth. It was sickeningly adorable of her.
“Not in your wildest dreams. That would imply a subconscious impact your personality would have on me. Which, of course, it has not. This is a conscious effort to best you by beating you at your own game.”
“Huh,” Akarsha tapped her head, as if she was in deep thought. She turned back onto her back, staring at her ceiling. “Isn’t the entire point of a subconscious thing that you don’t realize it?”
“Perhaps if you’re a weak-minded fool.”
“No, no, I’m right. I probably got all my Akarsha germs all over you.” Akarsha grinned, clearly joking.
Noelle scowled. “You did not .” But in a way maybe Akarsha was right. She hadn’t gotten her ‘Akarsha germs’ on Noelle, but she’s certainly left an impact on her drastically, and Akarsha didn’t even know it.
“I did!” Akarsha laughed, poking Noelles cheek. “I got my nasty little Akarsha germs all over you and now you’re doing things like relaxing instead of studying! Haha!!”
“Stop calling it your germs . That’s disgusting.” Noelle argued, too relaxed to even try and fight the easy smile that made its way onto her face around Akarsha.
“What should I call it then? Akarshaitis?”
“You’re making it sound like a disease. It fits perfectly.”
Akarsha laughed. “Noooo… So mean!” She buried her head into the pillow, and they settled into a peaceful silence.
Noelle spent most of it looking at Akarsha. Beautiful, beautiful Akarsha. It still seemed so ridiculous that Akarsha herself couldn’t believe that. The way her eyes gently fluttered open and closed, darting towards Noelles direction. The way her lips stretched into a cheeky grin, like she’d been caught in the middle of an act. It was all just so, so beautiful.
“See someone you like?” Akarsha joked lightly, her voice barely above a whisper. “You can’t stop staring at me. You have a crush on me or something?”
Noelle stuttered for a minute, caught completely off guard. It was stupid, the same stupid flirty joke Akarsha had made hundreds of times before, and probably will again. But Akarsha had this terribly bad habit of seeing completely through her, all completely by accident.
“I don’t.” Noelle finally argued, weak and unconvincing. She’d done it now. She’d let the mask slip entirely, hadn’t she?
It seemed that way. Akarsha had that stupid surprised smile she had on sometimes, mouth dumbly agape like she can’t believe what she just heard. Her eyebrows raised slightly.
“… Noelle?” Akarsha coaxed quietly. Her voice was uncharacteristically soft. Noelles only heard this certain inflection of her voice a few times. It was for the most serious of occasions. In the rare moments of total vulnerability that weren’t clouded by some obscene joke.
It was a voice that said ‘ my heart is in your hands, please don’t break it. ’
Suddenly Noelle was flooded with an understanding that washed through her, filled her muscles and seized them entirely.
It all made sense now. The answer was in front of her. This was what she wouldn’t see. A final puzzle piece, slotted neatly into place.
“Noelle?” Akarsha repeated again, slow and careful. Noelle usually marveled at how fast Akarsha's brain worked, how she could reply with something witty almost instantaneously. Now, Akarsha seemed to mull on her words, as if saying the wrong one could shatter her completely. “… What’s up?”
Noelle swallowed heavily. She could shrug this off again, keep dangling her feet in the water and refuse to take the plunge. She felt her face burning as she considered her options.
Dipping a toe in the water wasn’t enough anymore. Neither was a foot, or an ankle.
The thing about water is that in the end, it always seems easiest to just jump in.
So maybe Noelle would.
“I have feelings for you.” Noelle said . Spoke out loud. Not a whisper. Just loud enough to speak it into the universe. To say it and know Akarsha could hear.
Akarsha opened her mouth, and then closed it. She seemed caught entirely, utterly off guard. It seemed like she wasn’t genuinely expecting Noelle to say that. Then, she opened and closed her mouth again and Noelle felt both vulnerable and frustrated, which was a bad combination.
Oh, come on.
“ Now is when you decide to finally shut up?!” Noelle gawked. “Say something. Please.” She hadn’t meant to tack that please on at the end but with all the rising emotions she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Sorry!” Akarsha put her hand up, trying to signal to Noelle to give her a few moments, but every moment was agonizingly long. “I’m trying to think of something funny to say. Let me- retreat into my— Brain… thing.” Akarsha's attempts at humor were, to put it as gently as possible, awful. She was clearly floundering.
“Oh my god, you’re an idiot . I’m going to kiss you now.” Noelle reached forward and grabbed the front of Akarsha's windbreaker.
Then hesitated, her brain catching up to her mind. What was she doing? Although Noelle was almost entirely sure they were, Akarsha hadn’t even told her the feelings were requited, yet. What if the reason it took her so long to reply was because she was thinking of a way to say Sorry, no. You completely misunderstood me. I’m trying to let you down gently.
“No-“ She managed. “No, I won’t- apologies, I don’t know what came over me.” She went to let go of Akarsha's windbreaker, her hands trembling when a different pair quickly grabbed Noelles wrists, holding them in place.
“I’m-“ Akarsha took a deep breath, clearly trying to collect her thoughts. “ I’m the infuriating little liar or whatever you call me here. So- so if you say you’re going to do something, you gotta follow through. Or else, you’re just as bad as me.”
Noelle felt her heart melt a little at that. But, it had given her renowned confidence. She would allow herself to be happy. As difficult and world shattering as it was, she deserved to be happy.
“I wish you were bad.” Noelle mumbled under her breath, before tugging Akarsha the rest of the way in and finally kissing her.
It was terribly quick and clumsy, nerves deciding to not allow Noelle to savor the moment as much as she would have liked to. But it was so, so perfect anyways. Here Noelle was, kissing a girl . It was an idea that would have seemed so absurd and impossible to her just a little over two years ago.
Even moreso, she was kissing Akarsha. Akarsha, whose hands still held onto her, rubbing circles into the inside of Noelles wrist with her thumb. Akarsha, who pressed her lips against Noelles, awkward and unsure like it was bound to be. Akarsha, who had dumped giant garbage bins on Noelles head before. Akarsha, who had positioned saran wrap in the doorway to class so Noelle would trip and fall. Akarsha, who pulled Noelle into crowds and danced with her like nobody was watching.
This awful, awful girl that had ruined her life in such a wonderful, wonderful way.
Noelle pulled back, and there was a thick silence in the air. She can’t believe she just did that. What does she even say now?
“Was-“ Noelle cleared her throat, voice choked up and wobbly. “… Was that anything?”
Akarsha blinked out of her daze from that, and then snorted, leaning back into a giggling fit. “Oh my god. You kissed me -“
“Shut up.”
“And the first thing you say is- is-“
“ Akarsha .”
“‘Was that anything’?”
“Nevermind. I take it back. Any feelings for you have immediately dissipated.”
Akarsha smiled after that, and it frustrated Noelle. This was so easy , now. Could she have been doing this earlier? This entire time?
“You have feelings for me.” Akarsha sighed wistfully, like she couldn’t believe it. “… Are you sure? This isn’t a prank or anything right? Cause if it is-“
“I would not have used my first kiss on you for a prank.”
“Huh, I totally just kind of assumed you kissed Diya at some point.”
“ What. ” Noelles jaw dropped. “This is ridiculous. I’m changing the trajectory of the conversation.”
“So it’s, not a prank?” Akarsha asked again. “Like, seriously? You like me?”
“Of course,” Noelle averted her gaze, face flushing. “I have since Freshman year. I’ve been confessing to you under my breath for over two years now.”
Akarsha gawked. “I’ve been confessing to you through goofs, gafs, and jokes! I thought you just didn’t like me and you were shrugging it off.”
“Are you kidding me.” Noelle narrowed her eyes, and then held her head in her hands. “I can’t do this.”
“Wow, we’ve been kissmates for like, two minutes and you’re already breaking up with me.”
“ Kissmates? ”
“Smooch buddies.” Akarsha laughed, voice teetering on the edge of nervousness. “… Gal pals.”
“Stop that or I’m never kissing you again.” Noelle hissed.
“You wanna kiss me again?” Akarsha turned to her, eyes wide.
Noelle froze, lifting her head to stare at Akarsha.
“… Maybe.” She mumbled. “Can we… Can we figure this out later?”
Akarsha slowly nodded, slowly scooching closer to Noelle.
“We kinda suck at this.” She pointed out.
Noelle defeatedly nodded in agreement.
“That’s kind of okay though, isn’t it?” Akarsha added on at the end, before devolving into a peaceful silence, leaning against Noelle.
Noelle thought over this for a while, before slowly nodding once more, letting her head fall on Akarsha's shoulder.
Yes, Noelle concluded for herself. This was okay. They could figure everything out later. She’d jumped into the water entirely, and to her delight, found she could swim. This was enough to keep her afloat for now, and oh, how she was floating.