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It started with a comment.
That's all it really was, just a simple little comment that meant no harm. But the longer it hung in the air, the worse it got. He knows Seungmin didn’t mean it that way. He knows Felix and Chan were just joking around with him. He knows all of that, so why did it hurt so much?
—
“I don’t like.” Changbin states, wanting to get his opinion in before they moved on to the next trend.
“Why?” Chan asks, trying to get Changbin to say why he had a different view on oversized jackets.
“Because hes big!” Seungmin says before Changbin even had time to open his mouth to respond. He feels his smile fall at this but he quickly tries to recompose himself. He hears Hyunjin and Jeongin start to laugh, along with Chan and Felix. Shouldn't they be on his side for this? Why are they laughing at him?
“Ah, so you are saying-” Felix starts before Seungmin cuts him off.
“His muscle is big.” Changbin relaxes slightly at this. Of course, Seungmin didn't mean it in a rude way, the long nights spent between them could attest to that, but it doesn't change the fact that it was still upsetting for him to hear.
“I like fit.” Changbin says, trying to bring it away from the comments and back to what the original question was. He could feel a heavy weight in his chest as he said those words, not liking the negative attention that was on him at the moment.
Chan starts to speak up, “Ah okay, so if we get an oversized jacket and give it to Changbin, then it fits?” Changbin almost can't believe the words that he was hearing. Isn’t Chan the one who is supposed to help him, as the leader? Why does it feel like everyone is against him at the moment?
“I-I didn't say that!” Seungmin frantically tries to fix the situation. But it doesn't work as Felix tries talking over him.
“So hes already big-” Felix stops talking for a second when he sees Changbin looking at him.
“I didn't say that.” Seungmin tries to say again, nervously rubbing his hands together. It was obvious to Changbin that Seungmin was almost as upset about this as he was.
“Hes big but if you give him an oversized jacket-” Felix tries again.
“No, no, no.” Seungmin tries to cut him off, still frantically trying to fix what was previously said.
“-He’s bigger? Is that what you are saying?”.
“No, no, no, no, no.” Seungmin shakes his head, a nervous smile on his face.
It falls silent for a second before Hyunjin speaks up, “Okay, next one!”
“Next one, next one. Next one!” Changbin agrees quickly and angrily, shaking off Seungmin as he tries to hug him. He knew it wasn’t exactly Seungmins fault. He just said what he thought was right and never got the chance to actually explain what he said. It was Chan and Felix that took the joke too far. But it doesn't stop Changbin from giving him the cold shoulder, he was hurt.
Changbin stayed quiet for the rest of the interview, only saying enough to not be too suspicious. He could feel Seungmins eyes on him but he didn’t turn around.
–
The ride back to the dorms was tense, to say the least. Changbin could feel eyes on him but he never took his own away from the window to see who they were coming from. He had a suspicion that it was Chan that was looking at him and he was proven right when his usually comforting voice broke through the awkward silence.
“Changbinnie, are you okay?”
Changbin sighed. He didn't want to talk about it yet, it was still fresh and painful in his mind, but he knew they wouldn't let it go until he spoke up. He looks away from the window for the first time since he got into the car, now seeing everyone looking at him. “I’m fine.”
He quickly turns back to the window, finding it safer than facing his own band members.
“No, you obviously aren't. Talk to us Changbin,” Hyunjin speaks up this time, sounding worried as to why the usually loud member was being quiet. “What's bothering you?”
“Yeah, you've been weird since the interview was over. Did someone say something to you?” He hears Chan say.
The weight in his chest was returning and this time it was even stronger than before. He closes his eyes and hopes that it goes away soon. It was almost like all the air was stolen from his lungs. He feels a hand come in contact with his thigh, opening his eyes, he sees Han looking at him. He leans into Changbin's space, “Hey, I can tell them to let it go. You’ll talk when you’re ready, right?”
Changbin nods, not trusting his voice. He doesn't want to start crying over a stupid joke. Because that's all it was to his friends. It was just a joke and he was overreacting. Tomorrow, after a good night's rest, he will feel better.
“Give him space, he will talk to you when he wants to Chan.” Han gives a reassuring pat to his thigh before taking his hand away.
“Woah, what happened to calling me Hyung?” Chan jokes, looking shocked at how Han didn’t use any honorifics this time. Usually, they drop them when they are in the dorms when they are by themselves but right now, they are in front of their driver. It wasn't a big deal but at this moment, it almost felt disrespectful.
“Just stop Chan-Hyung,” Hyunjin says, finally picking up on the tension in the air. “Let them do their own thing for now. Obviously, it doesn't involve either of us.”
The weight pushed even harder. If only they knew how much it involved the both of them.
–
Not even stepping foot into the kitchen when they reached the dorms, despite everyone else heading there for some dinner, Changbin nearly runs to his room. Slamming the door shut behind him, he quickly reaches back to lock it, not wanting anyone to come and bother him for the rest of the night.
He leans back against the door, sliding down till his butt hit the ground. The weight on his chest was nearly unbearable at this point, he was struggling to hold all of his emotions inside. There were tears in his eyes that began to threaten to spill. He looked up at the ceiling, willing this feeling to go away.
He lets out a shaky breath in hopes that it will help calm him down, only to start hyperventilating when he struggled to take a deep breath in. It felt like no air was reaching his lungs no matter how hard he tried to calm down. The tears finally started to fall. Panic attacks were common throughout all eight of them. But Changbin was one who usually was able to have all of his emotions in check and not let them take hold of him like this. But this was different, this was way out of his control and it was way overdue. Time almost felt as if it isn't even passing as more and more tears fall from his eyes. He lets out a choked sob, one that he can hardly hear over the ringing in his ears. Hes shaking, making it hard for him to stand up and move to his bed. He gives up, opting to just stay on the floor. He prays that he is being quiet enough but he knows the walls in the dorms are thin and at any moment one of the other members might try to come and talk to him, either to check if hes okay from earlier or to see why hes making all these noises. He wipes his eyes with his sleeves, finding himself crying more when he realizes it's not doing anything other than just making his shirt wet.
He stays seated on the floor and it feels like forever has passed before he can stand on his legs without losing his balance. He was still crying but not nearly as hard or as loud as he was before. He slowly makes his way over to the full-body mirror in the corner of his room. He stares at himself in the mirror for a few minutes before he decides to take off his shirt.
Once his shirt is off, he looks at his arms. He turns to his side and flexes, seeing his muscles move around and look bigger. He has nice arms, he knows that. It's something he is proud of and it's something that everyone knows. He can tell by the way Felix can't keep his hands to himself when hes around. He then turns again and looks at his stomach, it's something that he has been struggling with for a while now. There's always a comment thrown around about how he needs to stop eating or just about how hes big in general. He acts like it's something that doesn’t bother him but it does. Late at night when they get home from an interview or a performance of some sort, hes always reminded of it when he gets to the mirror. Looking at himself he can hear all of the things that are said to him. He knows that they are all jokes, it's nothing serious. But he can't help but feels like it's all true.
It's routine for him at this point. To come home and dissect everything about himself in his mirror. Maybe he does need to lose weight. He has been skipping meals but maybe it's not enough. He has been going to the gym but maybe he hasn't focused enough on his abs. He feels the tears start up again, and he looks up, not wanting a repeat of only a few minutes ago.
He heads to his closet, grabbing the biggest hoodie and baggiest sweatpants he could find. He throws them on before taking another glance at himself in the mirror, he sees how bulky he looks and he shivers. He heads towards his bed and crawls under the covers. He looks at his phone to check the time, only to see that he has some missed texts from Seungmin.
Seungminnie <3
hey hyung, im gonna come by around 8:30
just wanna shower first
u okay? :(
usually u respond to say okay
i’ll be there by 8 <3
He looks at the time to see that he has about five minutes before Seungmin will be there. He sighs, getting up to unlock the door for him before he crawls back into the bed, this time facing away from the door. He closes his eyes, maybe if hes lucky he can fall asleep before Seungmin gets there.
–
Changbin didn't hear the door open or close but he did feel the bed dip behind him and an arm get thrown around his waist. He curls in on himself more than he already was, not knowing what to say or even if he should say anything at all. He lets out a shaky sigh as he feels Seungmin rest his forehead on the back of his neck.
“Im so sorry Changbin,” Seungmin says, his voice sounding strained like he’s about to cry. “I didn’t mean it in a negative way and I tried to fix it but I couldn’t and I’m so sorry. I’m an awful boyfriend. I should have just kept my mouth shut and-”
Changbin cuts him off by turning around in his arms and throwing his own around Seungmin, hugging him tightly.
“I know Seungminnie. I’m not mad at you.” The words were said almost too quietly, muffled by Seungmins chest. “You aren’t a bad boyfriend. You are just bad at English.”
Seungmin lets out a soft laugh. “I still should have been more aware of what I was saying, or I should of at least tried to make it better right away.”
Changbin finally looks up at his boyfriend, seeing his eyes water. He sighs, holding him tighter. “It wasn’t your fault. Chan and Felix just didn't know when to stop.”
“I know, I still feel bad.” Seungmin’s arms tighten around Changbin.
Changbin leans up to leave a kiss on his boyfriends lips. “Don’t feel bad about it, just comfort me now, okay?”
“Okay.” Seungmin whispers.
They lay there in silence for a few minutes, just holding each other. Changbin was growing close to falling asleep in the comfort of his boyfriend's warm embrace before he hears Seungmin start to talk.
“You are absolutely perfect to me Changbin-Hyung.”
Changbin laughs, “You don't need to flatter me, Minnie. You also do not need to use honorifics when it's just the two of us like this.”
“I know, but I want to right now Bin. Please let me.” Seungmin whispers, nearly begging.
“Okay.” Changbin sighs, relaxing in his boyfriend's arms.
“Binnie, you are the most perfect person I know. I can’t name anyone else I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't say things like this very often because it's not something we do but it's most definitely long overdue. You are everything I want and more.” He stops to take a breath. “You have the cutest face. I love seeing you smile. You have the most beautiful smile and it hurts my heart when I see you upset, especially when it was my fault, to begin with. I never want to hurt you again. You have the most beautiful body. You have such strong arms. You can lift me so easily and I think that that's hot as fuck.”
Changbin lets out a little laugh but doesn't interrupt.
“You have some of the best thighs in the world, which makes for a perfect spot for me to sit. They certainly rival for number one with Minho-Hyung. You have wonderful pecs. I love staring at your body when you don't have a shirt on. It makes it hard for me to keep my hands to myself sometimes.”
Seungmin stops to take a breath and Changbin interrupts. “Seungmin-”
“Don't, I'm not done.” He wipes away some of the tears that have started to fall down Changbins face. “You think your stomach is big. You think you eat too much. You think you don’t work out enough. I know this. I know this because I know you. You take everything everyone says and you hold it close to you even if it hurts. But I want you to hold what I’m saying even closer, okay?”
He pauses, looking down at Changbin.
“I love you. I love you so much. I love your stomach. I love your arms. I love your face. I love your legs. I love your beautiful smile. I love your laugh. I love your sense of humor. I love that you make me a better person. I love that you always know what I need. I love that you love me. I love you. I love you so fucking much, okay? You better not ever forget that. You are perfect as you are. I wouldn't change a thing about you even if I could.”
The only thing that Changbin can do is lean up and kiss the fuck out of his boyfriend. The tears on his face are from feeling loved instead of feeling like not enough. He is so thankful that he has Seungmin in his life to make it better.
“I will hold everything you said so close to me, as long as you hold me even closer.” Changbin says, half joking yet serious at the same time.
“I always want to be close to you Seo Changbin, you are the love of my life.”
Changbin lets out a little giggle, not good at hiding how happy he is. “And you are mine Kim Seungmin.”