Work Text:
Your eyes stung as you imagined it.
The way his hands would touch you, the way his lips would trail across your skin; worshiping every inch of you. But it was all just a sick joke. The figure of the woman you envisioned wasn’t even you. That woman was who you wanted to be.
She was flawless, slim, beautiful—ethereal even.
That woman was what he deserved, what you felt deep down that he truly wanted. You had tried so many times but whenever you would picture the two of you together it you just couldn’t. It was always some faceless figure, some image that wasn’t you.
Even though the two of you had made love plenty of times it was just hard to picture yourself with him.
You didn’t know when you had started crying, feeling the tears slip from your chin and to the pillow that you were clutching onto for dear life.
You would never look like that. You would never be her.
You glanced at the screen once more. Through your blurry vision you could make out the way their bodies moved in sync to the music, how his eyes sparkled in the stage light. You realized it then, heart dropping to your stomach as a feeling of nausea coursed through you that she was ideal if not better than the woman you had been envisioning.
With every last ounce of strength you had left, you shut your laptop.
Your eyes caught sight of yourself in the mirror, hunched over and weakly clinging onto your legs. They ventured unwillingly to the soft rolls on your stomach and the way your loose skin hung from your legs and arms. Your mind took in every single one of your insecurities, hyper focusing on them in the dusty mirror.
What does he even see in you?
Your face wasn’t as round nor softly defined the way hers was. Your hair wasn’t as silky nor was your skin as smooth as hers. Beautiful is a word you couldn’t even imagine using to describe yourself. You hunched into yourself as your eyes roamed your figure taking in every little thing you’re insecure about, you didn’t know if there would ever come a day where you would find yourself truly beautiful.
Your eyes burned as your mind replayed the way Hyunjin looked at her.
You didn’t know her but you envied her. The way he looked at her like he was proud to be there with her. The way his eyes fell to her as they moved together in perfect synchronization. You found yourself wanting to be her. You wanted to be someone he was proud of and could show off, but that just wasn’t you.
While your relationship had been revealed to the members it was still a secret from everyone else in the world. Even though he could date publicly now, Hyunjin had yet to reveal that the two of you were dating to the public.
He never openly discussed it with you but you knew he didn’t want to put you in another situation that would end up with the two of you getting hurt, especially you. You knew it was for the better, but it was moments like this where you just felt like a dirty secret.
As you cast one final glance towards the mirror and your pitiful figure, you felt the sob you had been holding in finally escape your throat.
You didn’t hear him come in, jumping slightly as you felt the bed dip behind you. At the soft call of your name you shifted uncomfortably against the pillow, frowning as you moved away from his touch.
“Baby,” his voice was soft as he tried once more to reach out to you, thinking you had just moved in your sleep.
‘ You aren’t being fair to him. He has done nothing wrong, you're just pathetic and insecure.’
The ugly feeling coursing through your veins had you moving further away from his touch. You heard his breath catch slightly in realization.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m home. I’m sorry I woke you,” he whispered as he leaned down, pressing a tender kiss against your temple.
You felt the bed shift next to you as he stood, quietly making his way into your bathroom. A labored breath you didn’t realize you were holding escaped you as you heard the door softly shut.
‘ You’re horrible.’
Hyunjin didn’t deserve to be the one for you to take feelings out on. He had done nothing wrong. If anything Hyunjin had always shown you how much you meant to him and yet you always found yourself in a self-sabotaging state. Your eyes filled with tears as you wondered if he’d eventually get tired of you being so back and forth.
You wished you weren’t like this. You wished that you could let yourself have this—that you could feel like you deserved him.
You wiped your eyes as you sat up, softly padding towards the bathroom. You could hear the sound of the water running and Hyunjin’s soft humming.
Your heart felt less heavy at the comforting sound.
Slipping out of your shirt and your underwear, you shivered as you quietly entered the bathroom. The contrast between the coolness of your bedroom and the heat of the bathroom had your skin tingling. You watched as Hyunjin’s grainy form moved behind the glass, letting your feet bring you closer and closer until there was only a door separating the two of you.
You carefully slid back the door, stepping in behind Hyunjin. The shower door made a soft sound as it closed, causing Hyunjin’s head to snap up. But before he could turn around, your arms were wrapping around his waist.
You sighed at the feeling of him, tears pricking your eyes once more as you rested your cheek on his back. Hyunjin’s hands rested on top of yours, softly rubbing against your skin.
“Y/n,” he questioned as he leaned his weight slightly back into you, enjoying the comfort of the two of you being so close.
“I’m sorry,” you breathed out against him.
At the silence you had wondered if the sound of the water hitting the tiles had drowned your words out.
“Baby what are you sorry for?”
You sighed as you held him tighter. At your silence, Hyunjin started to shift in your hold.
“Stay turned around please,” you whispered against his naked back as he tried to face you.
You felt him nod as you took a deep breath, tears silently flowing as you spoke.
“I don’t think I’m ever going to fully get over the things I'm insecure about. No matter what I do they will always be there. Some days are harder than others and today—,” you stopped yourself momentarily, you knew you should be honest with him.
He told you that he always wanted to know what you were feeling, so with a shaky breath you confessed it all.
“The way you looked at her, Hyunjin. I know you love me but sometimes I can’t help but wonder, would you love me more if I looked like them—if I looked like her,” your voice broke.
Hyunjin spun around at your confession, taking your face into his hands. His red eyes met yours as his thumbs ran comfortingly over your jaw as he leaned forward to kiss your tears away.
“Y/n, I love you for everything that you are. You don’t have to be something or someone else. I already love you so much it hurts and I fall more and more in love with you every day. I want to spend the rest of my life falling in love with you,” he whispered as his lips ghosted over yours.
“You are perfect for me—too perfect for me,” he corrected as he placed a chaste kiss on your lips.
“I don’t tell you enough and I’m sorry. I love you so much.”
You shook your head as you nuzzled your face against the palm of his hand.
“I’m sorry I’m like this,” you sniffled.
Hyunjin shook his head as he pulled you to his chest.
“Don’t apologize for how you feel my love. I will always do everything in my power to show you how loved you are and that you are the only one for me.”
You softly smiled up at him, his words releasing the ache from your chest. The way his gaze lingered over yours, filled with so much love and adoration had all of your worries slipping away. He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek, to the tip of your nose and then finally to your lips.
That night Hyunjin had worshiped every part of you. Whispering over and over into your skin how much he loved you, taking extra time to pay attention to your insecurities and reassure you that he found every part of you beautiful. No one had ever made you feel as loved as he did. He found beauty in your flaws. Things you were ashamed of he only spoke highly of and showed his love for.
To Hwang Hyunjin you were flawless. As you laid together in a mess of limbs while he pressed soft kisses to your skin, you knew you would never love anyone the way you loved him and that through him, maybe one day you could love yourself the way he loved you.