Chapter Text
“The night wind blowing
Over wet fields, black earth, short grass;
‘I don't mind dying, I don't mind dying´
The beautiful soul cried.” -Chuuya nakahara (little sister)
Chuuya looked out of the window of his hospital room, the weather outside was miserably hot but he would give anything to be out there.
The hospital wasn’t horrible or anything. His room was a perfect temperature, the bed was comfortable, the food didn’t suck, and the staff was kind.
Still though, he found himself more and more miserable every day he spent here.
He had memorized every crack in the ceilings and walls. Though nowadays, little details like that were more of a blur if he wasn’t actively focused on them.
Everything had become the same, the room around him was no longer anything more than a lifeless mesh of whites and grays.
He couldn’t help but miss when his condition was better. When the hospital was no more than a boring place he had to visit from time to time. When his illness was still just a dull ache in his abdomen.
There was no point in missing that life though. Chuuya had come to terms with that fact about a thousand times already.
It was a world long since ripped from his grasp. Even so, Chuuya still desperately clung to all that remained of his life.
He was so, so tired.
Tired of the hospital's sterile scent, tired of having his blood drawn, tired of being given flowers like it would make everything better.
Tired of feeling tired all the fucking time.
He needed something new, something to distract him from the pain and monotony of his daily life. Anything that could make him feel just a little better.
“Heeello mister hospital patient!” A voice Chuuya didn’t recognize called to him from the doorway. He turned to see a man with fluffy brown hair standing in the door. Bandages covered his arms and neck and he wore a blithe smile.
“Hello, bandaged man.” Chuuya replied quizzically
The man waltzed into Chuuyas room, letting the door fall shut behind him. He plopped down in the chair beside Chuuya’s bed and stared intently for a moment.
“You’re dying, aren’t you?”
Chuuya fell silent, his eyes widening in disbelief. ‘Who the hell is this guy?!’
Without waiting for an answer, the bandaged man continued, this time dramatically throwing his head back “well fine then, don’t answer. I can already tell from that look in your eyes that you are.”
Chuuya tensed up, feeling terribly seen for the first time in months.
‘Do I really look that awful?’
“Would you tell me what it’s like to be dying?” The man continued. “ It must be such a beautiful feeling…”
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Chuuya finally replied to the man. Still taken off guard by his bizarre and intrusive new guest.
“Well you could have just said no” the man replied, a dramatic flare coating his words.
To the surprise of both men, Chuuya began to laugh.
“You're weird, bandaged man.”
The man smiled, extending his gauze wrapped hand.
“It’s Dazai.”
Chuuya took the man’s hand “Chuuya. It’s nice to meet you, Dazai”.
As odd as this man was, Chuuya couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed. Maybe it wouldn’t be too terrible to entertain his strange guest.
“Can I ask you something, Dazai?”
“I don’t see why not!”
“What are you doing here? You a visitor or a patient?”
A sly smile spread across his lips “A patient! I was going for a nice swim in the river and nearly drowned!”
“Oh my, that must have been terrible.”
“It was! I was so close, too!”
“Close..?”
“Yes! Close to drowning! You wouldn’t believe it, Chuuya,” Dazai grasped Chuuyas hands in excitement as he told his story.
“I could almost taste death's sweet kiss against my lips! It’s icy grip just hardly ghosting my skin… Before I was saved.” Dazais voice turned resentful in his final sentence.
“You… Wanted to die?”
“Of course!”
Despite the man’s strange disposition, Chuuya found himself entertained.
“You’re a really weird dude, Dazai.”
Chuuya spoke with a sort of astonishment, it was hard to tell whether he was amused or just plain horrified.
Dazai tilted his head partially “Like good weird or bad weird?”
“I don’t even know. Just… odd?” Noticeable confusion veiled Chuuyas words.
“Well I’ll take that as a compliment then!”
Dazai stood abruptly and smiled at Chuuya “alright now scoot over”
“You kicking me out of my own hospital bed or something? Bold.”
“Of course not! What kind of heathen do you take me for?” Dazai gave an overdramatic pout “I'm just asking you to share it with me!”
As annoying as Dazais behavior was, Chuuya found it comical, almost endearing. So he moved to the side of his bed, letting Dazai sit at the foot of the bed with his legs hanging off the edge.
“Wonderful! Now that we're comfortable, tell me about yourself!”
Chuuya gave Dazai a critical look, one that almost immediately softened over the sight of Dazais cheerful smile
Chuuya sighed “what do you want to know, mackerel?”
“Mackerel?! I take offense, Chuuya!”
“Oh shut up, just tell me what you want to know before I kick you out.” Despite his indignant attitude, Chuuya showed Dazai the slightest hint of a smile.
Dazai relaxed at the sight, leaning back against the foot of the bed.
“What do you do for fun?”
“Well, I used to do martial arts a lot. For obvious reasons I had to quit. Now I pretty much do anything that'll keep my mind busy. Puzzles, knitting, video games. Yknow, the works. And you?” Chuuya inquired, rather curious about the strange man in front of him.
“Well… I like to attempt suicide! Other than that though… movies are cool!”
Chuuya couldn’t help but chuckle, something about Dazai was so fascinating. He was the kind of person who could draw you in at a first glance.
“What movies do you like?”
“I like psychological horror! Donnie darko is probably my favorite! It’s old but good!” Dazai chimed, “Forgotten is another cool one!”
“I’ll be sure to watch them then.”
“So what about you? What are your favorite movies?”
Chuuya leaned back, putting more thought into the question than Dazai had expected. “I guess I haven’t watched many recently, but I’ve always liked the labyrinth. I had a bit of an obsession with fantasy movies as a kid, I guess that one’s always stood out to me.”
“Well you’ve made a very convincing pitch, I’ll have to watch it!”
Chuuya smiled again, more to himself than to Dazai this time.
“Yeah, you should.”
Dazai stopped to think for a moment, finally deciding on his next question. “What about your favorite animal?”
Chuuyas eyes lit up over the mention of animals “definitely dogs!”
The distasteful expression on Dazais face was rather hard to ignore. He looked utterly offended at the mention of a dog.
“Wrong answer.” He stated matter-of-factly
“Huh?! There’s no wrong answer to someone’s favorite animal!”
“There is when it’s a dog! Cats are obviously better! They’re quiet and independent and they don’t just love and obey you automatically for no good reason!”
Chuuya rolled his eyes but still couldn’t help but crack a smile at Dazais insistence. “Yeah whatever. I’ll let you believe that. Even if it’s wrong…”
Dazai seemed content with his ability to make Chuuya smile, letting up on his argument and looking around the room. His eyes landed on a picture frame next to Chuuyas bed. A grin spread across Dazais face. “Is that you?”
The frame was a collage of photos with Chuuya and his friends. He certainly looked… better, in those.
Dazai picked up the frame, studying each picture closely.
Maybe the anxiety that filled Chuuya was just an overreaction, but he couldn’t help hating the fact that Dazai could see how much he’d worsened over time. Chuuya was thinner now, visibly weaker than he was. He was so much more lively back then.
“You used to wear hats a lot!”
‘Of all the things to pick up on, that’s what he notices?’
Question after question, Dazai interviewed Chuuya. Going off on tangents over the most seemingly insignificant things.
Time with Dazai seemed to pass so much faster than normal. He could have sworn they’d only been talking for an hour or two at most, though the setting Sun outside his window said otherwise.
“I guess it’s getting late, I should probably go! Thanks for letting me bother you all day!”
Dazai stood up from the bed, long arms stretching above his head. “Bye Chuuya!”
"wait uh…” Chuuya called after Dazai, even though he wasn't quite sure why he felt the need to do so.
Dazai turned, giving Chuuya a curious glance. “Yeah?”
“Do you think you could stop by
again sometime? Just if you're free or
whatever..." Chuuya tried and failed to seem nonchalant, desperation seeping into his tone.
Dazai gives Chuuya a gentle smile, holding his pinky finger out "I'll see you tomorrow, promise. And we can watch the labyrinth and Donnie Darko together!"
“A pinky promise? Isn’t that a little childish?”
Dazai gasped “how dare you Chuuya! Pinky promises are sacred!”
“you sure you aren’t just being dramatic?”
“One. Hundred. Percent.” Dazai didn’t look away from Chuuya for a moment, keeping a serious expression on his face.
Chuuya rolled his eyes, but held out his pinky finger anyways “yeah alright, just hurry up. This is embarrassing. I don’t want the hospital staff to know I make pinky promises with suicidal maniacs.”
Chuuya felt stupid and childish making a pinky promise, but maybe that was exactly what he needed… Maybe Dazai was exactly what he needed.
“See you tomorrow morning Chuuuya! Be up bright and early, alright?!”
—————
For the first time in a long time, Chuuyas morning didn’t feel completely tedious. His boring, listless life melting away over the thought of seeing Dazai again today.
‘Bright and early…’ Dazais pinky promise felt less and less “sacred” as noon rolled around. But sure as the sun would rise and set, Dazai paraded into Chuuyas room, in one arm was a basket filled with snacks, handheld games, puzzles, a laptop, yarn, knitting needles, and crochet hooks.
And In the other hand was a single small cactus.
Dazai proudly set the basket next to
Chuuya on the bed and the cactus on his bedside table, giving the ginger a smile.
.
"A... cactus?"
"Yeah! Don't you get bored of flowers?"
Dazai asks, glancing at the flowers
placed around the otherwise empty room. Chuuya starts to laugh "yeah, I do, actually.”
"Ah! And it gets better!"
"Oh?"
Dazai smirks, putting his hand into the
pocket of his trench coat and pulling out a tiny hat, placing it atop the cactus.
"See, it's a little Chuuya!"
"Are you calling me a prick?"
Dazai grinned “I would never! Unless you were being one, then I might.”
Chuuya gave a small laugh “alright so what’s the deal with the basket? are you trying to win the favor of a middle schooler?” Chuuya paused, eyeing all the knitting supplies “or like… an old lady?”
“Nope! Trying to win the favor of an irritable Ginger!” Dazai sat down in the chair beside Chuuyas bed, pulling the large basket into his lap and taking out the laptop.
“Alright first on the agenda, movies! What are we watching first, red? Fantasy or psychological horror, make your pick!”
“Hmm… let’s go with psychological horror, I’d love to see what all the hype has been about.”
“Gotcha! Donnie darko it is.” Dazai stood up making a shoo motion with his hands “alright you know the drill, make some room!”
Chuuya moved to the side of the bed, giving Dazai space to sit beside him. “Get ready to have your mind blown! Wait no… don’t do that! I don’t want you to be disappointed if it’s not as good as I made it sound! Get ready for a pretty good movie Chuuya!”
Childish and stupid seemed to be the perfect description of Dazai Osamu. A man with little to no self awareness, and a breath of fresh air to Chuuya. He was the complete antithesis of Chuuyas dreary life.
Somehow a bothersome, suicidal, wacko became the mans saving grace. And Chuuya couldn’t be more grateful for it.
They managed to go through 4 movies before visiting hours ended. “Have I really been here all day? It feels like it went by so fast!” Dazai frowned
“Well maybe if you’d gotten here bright and early like you said we’d have had longer.”
“What do you mean? I was here at 12 Chuuya! That is bright and early!” Dazai crossed his arms over his chest, his brows furrowing slightly
“That’s noon Dazai. noon isn’t early.”
“Well not when you say it like that!”
“How else am I supposed to say it?!” Chuuya argued back but couldn’t hide the smile on his face.
“Hmmm… you think they’d let me stay the night?”
Chuuya shot Dazai a critical look “what do you think?”
“Oh don’t be so negative Chuuya! I could pretend to be a patient! Or a doctor!”
Chuuya burst into laughter “In what world could you ever pass as a doctor? I think you’d have a better chance playing an escaped convict”
A bright smile passed over Dazai’s face “You really think so?!”
Chuuya threw a pillow at the man with a lighthearted chuckle “It wasn’t a compliment idiot.”
Before Dazai could say anything more, a nurse walked by the room. “Didn’t I already tell you two that visiting hours ended? What are you still doing here?”
“Welp, that’s my cue to leave! Thanks for having me hat rack!” Dazai smiled and waved goodbye. Tossing the pillow back onto Chuuyas bed.
“Wait, you left your basket!”
“Well yeah,” Dazai stated as if it were common knowledge “why would I take it if I’m gonna be back tomorrow? Seeya Chuuya!” The brunette waved at Chuuya with a grin before giving a shy smile at the nurse who had been sternly looking at him as he left.
‘Tomorrow, huh?’
It seemed that for the first time since high school, Chuuya had managed to make a friend.