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It takes Nick weeks after their visit to Charlie to even consider coming out to anyone else. In some ways it feels even scarier than coming out as bi; more vulnerable somehow now that coming out means asking others to use new pronouns rather than just telling them something that requires no action on their part. Besides, Nick thinks, biphobia is bad enough, and there’s definitely even less awareness and acceptance of non-binary people. It all just makes Nick feel uncomfortable and exposed when they think about coming out.
But it also doesn’t feel amazing not to come out. It makes Nick feel like they’re constantly hiding, and it makes their stomach turn uneasily when friends casually use he/him pronouns for them, even though it’s not like they could possibly know that unless Nick tells them. But it’s still … intimidating.
Nick decides that starting small is the best way to go. They’re hanging out with Cherry, grabbing tea at the campus café when the moment finally happens. Nick is telling a story about Charlie, and Cherry shakes her head fondly, used to listening to Nick ramble affectionately. When Nick stops talking for a moment, grinning brightly, Cherry pipes up, “Ugh, you boys are just so freaking cute! I want a love like that.”
“Yeah,” Nick says, smile flickering a little, even though just thinking about Charlie—Charlie’s smile, Charlie’s eyes, Charlie’s love and acceptance of every aspect of who Nick is—makes it nearly impossible to do anything but grin like a lovesick puppy, even 6 years into their relationship. “Actually,” Nick says, swallowing hard around the sudden lump in their throat, “I wanted to tell you something.”
“Oh my god,” Cherry nearly screeches, “don’t tell me you’re getting married?”
Nick laughs loudly, the sound surprised out of them and booming around the quiet café. “No,” Nick tells her, still chuckling, “not yet.”
“Not yet,” Cherry echoes. “But soon?”
Nick shrugs noncommittally, trying not to betray how much time they’ve spent thinking about marrying Charlie, even occasionally looking at rings. They’re still so young, but it’s not like the two of them haven’t talked about it for years, as if it’s a foregone conclusion and not a vague possibility. “Someday,” Nick says eventually, smiling again.
It’s quiet for a moment and then Cherry asks, “So, if you’re not getting married—and by the way, you had better tell me when you finally do decide to propose—what did you want to tell me?”
“Um,” Nick says, smile faltering again. They take a deep breath to steady the nerves, letting it out in slowly. Cherry’s eyes narrow in concern. “So, uh, you know that time you did my makeup?” Cherry nods, eyebrows furrowed and clearly not sure where the conversation is going. “Do you remember asking me what I wanted the makeup to make me feel?”
Cherry shakes her head. “Not really,” she says, “I guess I remember you looking a little, I dunno, confused?”
Nick laughs a little harshly. “Yeah, I guess confused would kind of cover it.” Nick takes another deep breath and then finally says, “I was kind of starting to realize that I’m, um, non-binary.”
“Oh!” Cherry says. “Thank you for telling me.” She reaches across the table to squeeze one of Nick’s hands where they’re tangled together and fidgeting on the tabletop. “What pronouns would you like me to use?”
“Um, I’m most comfortable with they/them,” Nick says, tentatively, “but I’ve only told you and Charlie, so …” they trail off, not really sure how exactly to handle some people knowing while others don’t.
Cherry seems to sense this and gently asks, “Would you prefer that I use he/him pronouns for you if others are around?”
“I think,” Nick says slowly, “if it’s people like the LGBTQ+ Society, I’d rather you use they/them, and if they catch on, that’s fine. If it’s like … random people, maybe not?” Nick’s face scrunches up unhappily. “Sorry, I know that’s a lot to ask.”
“Nick, it’s okay,” Cherry says. “I’m more than happy to do that. If you want me to change that at any point, just let me know.” Her smile is so genuine that it makes Nick believe that she truly doesn’t mind, and it eases just a little of the weight from Nick’s shoulders.
***
In the following weeks, Nick slowly begins to come out to others, mostly other members of the LGBTQ+ Society, some of whom have already started to pick up on Cherry’s change in pronouns in reference to Nick. Most easily swap their use of pronouns for Nick without a question, queer senses seeming to intuit that Cherry’s switch, as one of Nick’s best friends, is likely intentional. A couple ask Nick, quietly confirming if their pronouns have changed (yes), and whether Nick is still their preferred name (also yes). These quiet shows of easy acceptance warm Nick’s heart and help to calm the sense of disquiet that has been thundering through them for so long.
The acceptance within these safe spaces emboldens Nick, and on a whim—heart pounding all the while—they change the pronouns listed on their Instagram page to they/them, kind of hoping the information will just sort of … make its way around without them having to come out over and over again. In fact, they’re almost expecting a sudden deluge of questions from friends and acquaintances, but it never comes. In fact, as far as Nick can tell, either no one has noticed, or no one wants to bring it up to their face.
They aren’t sure if it’s a relief of a disappointment.
***
When Charlie visits next, Nick is proud to take him to the pub with a group of their friends—mostly people from the LGBTQ+ Society and various partners and other tagalongs—and to have Charlie see in person how well Nick is doing and how much support they have. The two of them have talked about Nick coming out to people, of course, but it’s different for Charlie to be there and witness it for himself.
They’ve been at the pub for a while, the two of them sitting thigh to thigh with their hands clasped together even as they engage in conversations with opposite ends of the table, when Nick feels Charlie’s hot breath puff against the side of their neck and then hears Charlie whisper, “I’m so proud of you.”
Nick can’t help the swell of emotion at the praise—Nick is proud too, and it’s no secret between them that Nick thrives on being praised, especially when it comes from Charlie. Nick turns and presses a kiss to Charlie’s lips in response. Charlie pushes in closer, kissing Nick hungrily for just a moment until the hoots from the others at the table grow loud and they break apart laughing.
“Sorry,” Nick says, their face flushing as they look around at their friends, even though their giant smile belies their lack of true remorse.
“No, we get it,” Jeremy pipes up from across the table. “You live hours apart and don’t get to see each other all the time. I’m honestly surprised you even agreed to come out tonight.” Cherry snickers in agreement and Nick meets her eye, seeing her lasciviously raised eyebrow. Nick scowls playfully at her in response.
“Well,” Nick says, looking back over toward Charlie. “Since we’re on the topic, do you want to head home?”
Charlie flushes lightly, burying his face in Nick’s shoulder as warm laughter and a few good-natured catcalls rise from the gathered group. “I hate you,” Charlie says.
“I know, babe,” Nick tells him. “So, is that a yes?”
“Yeah,” Charlie says, raising his head from Nick’s shoulder, “let’s go.”
***
They’re lying in Nick’s bed later, and Charlie is tucked firmly against Nick’s back, one arm slung across their chest and his face tucked into the crook of Nick’s neck, occasionally placing gentle kisses against the skin there, where a bruised love bite is already blossoming. “I still can’t believe you basically asked me to come home and fuck you with all your friends listening.”
Nick chuckles softly. “Charlie, no matter when we left they would have known that’s what we were doing.” Nick cranes their neck a bit to try to look at Charlie. Seeming to understand, Charlie pushes himself up a bit and lets Nick settle on their back before he drapes himself onto Nick’s chest. “Are you mad?”
Charlie shakes his head against Nick’s chest. “Just a little embarrassed. Honestly, I’m mostly just happy that you have friends you feel so comfortable around.”
“Me too,” Nick says, reaching down to pet at Charlie’s curls.
They go quiet for a while, reveling in just existing together in a way they so rarely get to. Nick’s mind drifts, and a feeling of peace settles over them. It’s not a feeling Nick has had a lot of lately, but something about the evening spent with people who know and accept who Nick is and getting to have Charlie there by their side gives Nick the warm fuzzies and makes them feel like things are good, even if only for a while.
The only thought that breaks through the calm, casting a shadow over the glowing feeling of happiness, is that Nick’s mum still doesn’t know. She’s one of the two most important people in Nick’s life, and Nick hasn’t been able to bring themself to come out to her. It’s not that they don’t want to, but it feels like the kind of thing you’re supposed to tell your mum in person. Nick’s suddenly not sure that they can wait until the next time they go home to tell her though.
Charlie must feel the way Nick’s body tenses beneath him because he’s suddenly looking up at Nick, eyes alert. “You okay, babe?”
“I think I want to tell my mom,” Nick says in reply.
“You’re going to come out to her?” Charlie asks, looking for confirmation that he’s understanding correctly.
Nick nods. “Yeah,” they say. “I was going to wait until I saw her in person, but that’s going to be a while still … and it’s starting to make me anxious that she doesn’t know.”
Charlie presses a soft kiss to Nick’s chest where his head is still resting. “That’s understandable,” Charlie says softly. “Do you want me to be here when you talk to her?”
Nick thinks for a moment. “I think I want you to be like … here, in the flat?” Nick says a little uncertainly. “But I think I need to be alone when I tell her.”
“Okay,” Charlie says. “Whatever you need, I’ll be here.”
“Thanks,” Nick says. “Now will you come up here and kiss me properly?”
Charlie hums in assent before crawling up Nick’s body, pressing just the lightest tease of a kiss to Nick’s lips before pulling back just enough to meet Nick’s eyes and whisper, “You’re so fucking amazing, you know that? So brave and so beautiful.” Nick whimpers a little from the combination of the praise and the lack of Charlie’s lips, but then their mouths are crashing together properly, and Nick is completely lost in the feeling of it.
***
The next morning, Nick feels beyond anxious. They’re in the kitchen, making breakfast while Charlie takes a shower and gets dressed, but their hands are shaking from nerves and they manage to smash an egg too hard against the side of the mixing bowl, sending pieces of shell into the contents, which are supposed to become scrambled eggs. Nick picks the shell out carefully and gets the mixture into a pan, but then the spatula they’re using to push the eggs around goes flying from their hands, flinging bits of half-cooked egg across the kitchen floor. Nick sighs and grabs a paper towel just as Charlie emerges from the bedroom, looking perfectly put together. Nick feels like an absolute mess in comparison, still in a holey sleep shirt and boxers and trying to mop up the mess while keeping an eye on the food that’s still cooking.
“What happened?” Charlie asks, moving easily over to the stove and finding a clean utensil to use as he takes over cooking the eggs that are still in the pan.
“Flung the flipper,” Nick mumbles, a little embarrassed. They finally get the mess cleaned up, wash their hands, and then pop two slices of bread into the toaster.
“Are you nervous about telling your mum?” Charlie asks gently, glancing over at Nick as he dishes the eggs out onto the plates that are sitting on the counter.
“I’m going to call her after breakfast,” Nick says. “Well,” they say, glancing down at their ratty PJs, “after I’ve showered and gotten dressed.” The toast pops, and the two of them sit at the table with their plates, but Nick’s stomach turns uneasily as they look at the food. For once, Nick eats even more slowly than Charlie.
Once Nick is showered and changed, they settle in their bedroom, prepared to FaceTime their mum. Charlie is settled in the living room with a book, content to give Nick space but to be nearby for support. Nick stares down at the contact page for their mum for a long minute. It’s just mum, they think. She loves you and supports you, no matter what. Before they can spiral, Nick hits the video button. The ringing feels too loud, but it doesn’t last for very long before Nick hears their mum’s voice and then sees her face come into focus on the phone screen.
“Hi mum,” Nick manages to say, trying not to sound as nervous as they feel.
“Hello, Nicky, sweetheart! I didn’t expect to hear from you this weekend; isn’t Charlie visiting?”
“Yeah, he is,” Nick tells her. “He’s just out in the living room reading.”
“Are you boys having a nice weekend?” She asks. Nick flinches a bit, and the discomfort of their mum’s unintentional misgendering cements their resolve.
“Actually, mum, that’s what I’m calling about.”
“You and Charlie aren’t having a row, are you darling?” She asks, clearly picking up on Nick’s discomfort, but not interpreting it correctly.
“No, mum, me ‘n’ Charlie are great,” Nick says.
“I’m glad to hear it, Nicky. You’ll let me say hi to him, won’t you?” Nick laughs, but they shake their head a bit at how off-track the call is getting.
“Of course, mum, you know Charlie loves you. But I want to tell you something first.”
“Of course, baby, what is it?”
“You remember when I came out to you as bisexual?” Nick asks, not really sure where to start.
“Yes, Nicky, I’ve not quite gone senile yet,” Sarah jokes. Nick’s face must give something away because suddenly her voice goes soft. “Oh, sweetheart, what is it?”
“I, um,” Nick says, stammering. “I think I’m, um, non-binary as well?” They say it almost like a question, but then they backtrack, restating. “No, that’s not quite right, I know I am.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Nick can hear the tears in their mum’s voice without even really looking at the phone screen, not that they’d be able to see it clearly through their own tears. “Nicky,” she says, “you know I will always love you, no matter what. I’m so proud of the man,” she pauses for a moment and then self-corrects, “no, of the person, you’ve become. I’m not going to pretend to understand what that must feel like, but maybe you can tell me what you’d like me to know about how things feel for you?”
Nick is still crying, but a smile makes its way onto their face too. “Um, well, first, I use they/them pronouns now, and I don’t like to be referred to as a boy or a man or anything like that.” They see their mum’s smile, warm and emotional, as she nods on the screen, encouraging Nick to continue. Nick tells her an abridged version of the thoughts and feelings that had led them to the realization, and she looks equal parts happy and sad as she listens, occasionally asking questions.
“Oh, my darling,” Sarah says when Nick finally finishes talking. “You know I just want you to be happy, Nicky—that’s all I’ve ever wanted for my children,” Nick notes that she doesn’t say “sons” and is immediately grateful for how quickly their mum picks things up.
“Do you feel like you’ve lost your son?” Nick asks, thinking about all the articles they’d seen online about parents on Trans and non-binary children who feel they’ve lost their son or daughter.
“No,” Sarah says immediately. “I’m sad that this world might make things harder for you because of who you are. But let me be clear—I don’t feel like I have lost anything today, and if anyone ever makes you feel that way” Nick things she might be alluding to the other members of the family, who Nick is somewhat less eager to come out to, “that is for them to figure out and get over for themselves, not something you’ve caused or need to fix.”
Nick nods in acknowledgement, feeling warmed by the vehemence of their mum’s words.
“Now,” Sarah says, “I assume Charlie knows?” Nick nods again, smiling. “And he’s been good about it?”
“The best,” Nick tells her truthfully.
“Good,” she says decisively. “Now, may I speak to that darling boy?”
Nick laughs and takes the phone out to the living area. Charlie looks up expectantly when they enter. “Mum wants to talk to you,” Nick says, holding the phone out.
“Oh,” Charlie says, rising to his feet and taking the phone. “Hi Sarah,” he says, “just give me one moment.” Charlie presses the front of the phone against his own chest so that Sarah can’t see anything but darkness and he accepts a gentle kiss from Nick before asking in a whisper, “are you okay?”
Nick nods, smiling and kissing Charlie briefly once more before sending him off to the bedroom for his own mum chat.
Nick turns on the TV and mindlessly scrolls through channels until Charlie emerges a few minutes later and hands the phone, screen now dark, back to Nick.
“Hey, can you stand up for a second?” Charlie asks. Nick looks at Charlie quizzically but does as they’re asked. Charlie immediately wraps Nick in a tight hug. “You mum was sad she couldn’t give you a hug, so I promised to give you one for her.”
Nick sinks into the hug, feeling happy and grounded, the knot of anxiety that had been residing in their chest significantly looser.
After a while, Charlie pulls back just enough to look Nick in the eyes but keeps his arms wrapped comfortably around them. “Did you still want to go to that café you were telling me about?” he asks, “Or we can just stay in…” Charlie cocks an eyebrow suggestively.
Nick kisses him gently before pulling back. “As tempting as that is, I do want to get out of the flat for at least a little while.”
“Okay,” Charlie says. They slowly untangle themselves from the embrace and begin getting ready to go.
As Nick is pulling a denim jacket from a hook by the door, a thought triggers and they say, “one second,” before dashing back to their bedroom. Nick rummages through a little box that lives on top of the dresser, the one that contains the few pieces of jewelry that Nick has amassed, and pulls out two small items. They arrange them quickly and then head back out to the entry, where Charlie is still standing, a question clearly painted across his face. Nick holds out the jacket in answer, showing Charlie the two little pins that now reside on the left side, just above the chest pocket.
Charlie smiles, running his fingers over them. “The pins I got you?” Nick nods, grinning. Charlie pushes up onto his tiptoes to press a kiss to Nick’s temple. “Have I told you how proud I am of you?” he murmurs against Nick’s skin.
“You have,” Nick tells him, “but I like to hear it.”
Charlie hums and says one more time for good measure, “I’m so damn proud of you, beautiful.”
Nick shivers a little at the words and the slight buzz as Charlie whispers them into their skin like an incantation.
When they finally pull apart again, Nick slings the jacket on, fingers brushing against the pins that proclaim “THEY/THEM” and “Gender Outlaw” in bold, colourful letters.
Charlie grabs their hand, asking, “you ready, babe?”
“Yeah,” Nick says, smiling contentedly, “yeah, I’m ready.”