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“There’s a blush for won’t, and a blush for shan’t,
And a blush for having done it;
There’s a blush for thought, and a blush for naught,
And a blush for just begun it.”
John Keats
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1. “There’s a blush for won’t, and a blush for shan’t…”
It wasn’t that Marinette Dupan-Cheng was particularly secretive about her affection for him. Rather the opposite. She didn’t hide it at all and the whole class knew about her crush.
Including him, of course.
Perhaps in some ways Felix was even flattered by her attention – although he would never confirm that he admitted this to you, so you don’t even have to try to betray his secret.
But the thing was, there was something about this girl… he couldn’t say what exactly. There was too much of everything in her, really. Joy in her worldview and vital delight in her eyes, freedom of creative flight and care for everyone, as if they all were precious and important to her.
Basically, everything that Felix was deprived of in the midst of the icy shards of what was once his family.
Perhaps this was also the reason why he tried to stay away from her and her huge cheerful soul.
Felix had long forgotten how to feel affection for people and couldn’t give her what she was waiting for.
And this was probably why, when she once again approached him with tickets in her hands, which Felix noticed even before that, and by which he knew that another invitation to the cinema awaited him, – he didn’t wait until she said the right words and spoke ahead of her.
“Not gonna happen.” He said, and Marinette froze with her mouth open.
She was staring at him, not reacting in any other way, and for a moment it even seemed to Felix that he was mistaken and she approached him for some other reason, but then the girl lowered her eyes and her cheeks flushed with a thick blush.
Then she nodded silently and ran away.
Felix forced himself to turn away and not look after her. As much as he wanted to – it didn’t make any sense, – he reminded himself.
But a sigh of disappointment for something that couldn’t be in his life, unnoticed by anyone, still escaped from his lips.
2. “And a blush for having done it…”
It was a free period, and his classmates decided that the most intelligent way to spend this time was playing ‘Never have I ever.’
Of course Felix wasn’t going to take part in this stupid event! He took out the book he was currently reading from his bag and sat down at the teacher’s desk, – away from the noise.
And don’t ask him why he didn’t go to the library to read! Maybe he would have left, but Marinette was going to participate in the game... And it had nothing to do with anything, of course, but...
Anyway, get away from him already and read the story! He just stayed, that’s it!
Besides, the noise wasn’t that loud…
His classmates’ lines began with minor “Never have I ever been sick on public transport” from Alix and “Never have I ever lied to someone in this room” from Rose, but quickly took on a more serious turn when Kim spoke with his “Never have I ever sent a dirty text to the wrong person.”
Marinette probably never sent dirty texts, – Felix thought. Then he caught himself on this thought and immediately discarded it, – everyone in his class was already eighteen, but this didn’t mean that what they wrote in their texts made any difference for him...
“Never have I ever touched myself thinking about someone I like.” Chloe said, and was immediately bombarded with incredulous comments with doubts about the veracity of her statement from her classmates. “What is so surprising about it?!” The blonde exclaimed indignantly. “I just don’t like anyone!”
Felix didn’t understand at what point he lost his intention to ignore what was happening in the classroom, but his gaze slid upward from the book on its own, instantly rushing to Marinette. Her face was turned towards the window, but the fact that her cheeks burned with a bright blush was obvious.
He didn’t know if she’d bent her finger, but her blush suggested she had.
And some unusual sensation stirred somewhere deep inside him at the thought of what that meant, considering the “thinking about someone I like” part…
3. “There’s a blush for thought, and a blush for naught…”
They were sitting in a small school hall with subdued lights and chairs arranged in a semicircle.
It was a sex education lesson, and the teacher decided that they urgently needed to watch a film about how the fertilization process took place.
To be honest, the film was almost devoid of anatomical details and the emphasis was more on starting relationships and building a family, so in Felix’s opinion it could be more classified as propaganda than educational. But at least his father won’t sue for inappropriate content in the learning process...
Looking at the smiling couple on the screen, where the man held his hand on the woman’s stomach and the voice-over said something unobtrusive, Felix found himself wondering if Marinette wanted to have children, and how many, and when, and how would she like to name them...
For some time he was lost in thought and only came to his senses when his eyes met hers.
Marinette’s eyes widened in slight fright, as if she was caught doing something unsightly and she immediately turned away – her cheeks colored with embarrassed blush, noticeable even in the subdued light of the hall. Although the only thing he could catch her for was watching a movie, and, perhaps for her own thoughts…
Felix swallowed and that strange sensation deep inside of him stirred again, growing warmer and becoming more insistent.
But maybe he just ate something wrong at lunch today?..
4 + 1. “And a blush for just begun it.”
Of course he wasn’t going to help.
But Marinette clapped her hands loudly and said that this is their common home class, so everyone should participate in decorating it before Christmas. He didn’t understand why this was necessary – after all, everyone would be at home for the holidays – with their loving families and decorated houses, and he – in his silent house, strict and gray, like on any other day…
Maybe that was what made him stick paper snowflakes on clothespins, that Marinette handed him, to a string. It could also be that she herself was very close to him, climbing onto a stepladder to fix the decorations at the top, and he could steal a glance at her – for no particular reason – just… observing...
Then something went wrong, because when Felix glanced at Marinette again, she was reaching to the side, trying to connect the two upper garlands – but he could see that the point of their connection was clearly too far away for her to safely reach it.
The stepladder staggered, and Felix’s eyes widened as all the blood drained from his face and he rushed off, anticipating where the girl was going to fall, – because it was too late to hold onto the ladder to prevent it.
Marinette squealed, and in the next moment, he already held her in his arms, squeezing her so tightly as if she could fall further than his embrace.
That unusual sensation deep inside him exploded and Felix stared at the girl with a dazed look, – his heart beating so fast as if he had never forgotten how to feel affection for people. And the person who could give him this feeling again was the one he held tightly in his arms right now.
Their classmates, who had been decorating the walls all over the classroom before, came running towards them at the sound of a collapsing stepladder and surrounded the couple from all sides. But Felix didn’t seem to notice them, – still terrified at what could happen to the girl who was the only one that mattered to him, and to whom he wanted to give what she wanted.
He couldn’t say exactly when it had become so, but without it he could no longer see himself.
Felix woke up only when Chloe cleared her throat and he realized that he was staring at Marinette, as if she could disappear without a trace at any moment.
“So, guys, have you finished your hugs yet?” She asked, clearly trying to sound calm and detached, although in her voice there was also a hint of fear for her friend.
Felix forced himself to loosen his grip and finally reluctantly released Marinette from his grasp, feeling his body ache almost painfully from the loss.
But Marinette didn’t seem to plan on going too far.
In fact, she didn’t even look away from him. She moved closer to him and leaned into his arms, into which Felix readily accepted her – it seemed that no amount of self-deception could stop him from hugging this girl anymore.
“No, Chloe,” Marinette said quietly, continuing to look into Felix’s eyes as a soft blush filled her cheeks. “We’ve only just begun.”