Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Entry no. 1

So I found this weird and kinda ugly book in the sewer the other day and I just think it’s so hideous that I had to have it apparently. So maybe I’ll write in here, I don’t know what I’ll really do with this thing yet.

Seriously, this book is so ugly. If this book could see itself in the mirror I think it would start crying. And the mental image of that is hilarious. 

Shit I need to go on patrol I have to go 

Entry no. 2

I need to let some things out but I’m not sure how to go about it.

I feel sick to my stomach, and it’s too late at night to really do anything about that. Maybe I’m dehydrated or I didn’t eat enough today or something, but everyone is asleep right now and I don’t want to wake them up with my stupid bullshit. I’d punch through a wall or something if I didn’t feel too nauseous to move or to think, I guess, but like I said, I have no energy to do anything whatsoever.

Feels like I’m writing this for someone. I mean, I’m always acting for some invisible audience. Something in the back of my mind is always like, “watch me! Watch me! Watch me!” and I think there’s just a stupid five year old hiding in my brain that thinks he’s all that – and like, sure, I am. I guess. I’m not totally uncool and I guess I know things sometimes or whatever. I just want people to see me by some slim chance and think I’m the coolest guy ever which is fucking stupid and pisses me off that I even think like that. 

I don’t even really know who I am right now. Feels like nothing is real, you know? Like when you look around and everything looks blurry even though it actually isn’t and 

Entry no. 3

Okay so I had to stop last night because I fucking heard footsteps because it was literally like three in the morning and apparently that’s when dad decided to wake up because he’s a crazy freak. I’m literally so mad about it because like, I mean nobody obviously should ever know I even write in this stupid book but, you know, you see a soggy weird notebook on the street and apparently you get consumed by the urge to document your entire life from now on because that’s how that works I guess. I think that the urge to keep a (NOT diary) journal is probably normal and everyone does that at some point I think. Because when Mikey was little he had this diary for a really long time, and like. Okay this is a funny story actually.

So when Mikey was really little, he had this diary that he found abandoned in the sewers, and it clearly already belonged to someone and there was writing already in it, probably about their parent’s divorce or something, I don’t really care. But it was pink and frilly and just SO girly and I made fun of him so much for it that he threw it away. But it turned out that he found a BACKUP somewhere? Fucking somehow??

So like, basically, dad bought him a new one from the surface I think. Like, that’s what I always thought happened, because duh, there wouldn’t just be a diary clone. That’s so convenient and I just don’t believe it.

Actually though. Mikey’s thing was a diary but this is a journal, because this book isn’t girly or gossipy or anything, I’m just writing in it. Normally writing. Like, not in a girly way or anything. I think trying to defend it so much just makes me sound stupid so I’m going to shut up now. 

And about the last entry, I almost forgot. So, I’m really tired from being up last night so late (I can handle it fine, I’ve gone longer without sleep before) and I still feel kinda fuzzy about the whole thing. But I was trying to say, something things look kind of blurry when I’m tired or really mad or something, and then things don’t really feel real anymore, because it’s all blurry? Like sometimes I’ll see my brothers and I’ll just think that they’re total strangers to me. Hilarious. I wish.

So if anyone finds this book I’m going to be really pissed off because nobody needs to know that. I’m probably going to keep writing stupid stuff in here because actually, this is a good boredom killer. Not that I’m even really bored that much these days, because kraang and stuff, but we still have some downtime. Usually I’m just working out or whatever, but some days are just a drag and I don’t really want to do that for hours until I collapse. That’s fun too sometimes though. Always nice to know that I can push myself that far. I just wish I could keep going though. I think someone is coming i really have to go RIGHT NO

Entry no. 4

I’m so fucking annoyed that these keep getting cut off but I literally don’t have a choice because I need to hide this so nobody gets on my case about having a diary even though this LITERALLY IS NOT A DIARY. Like I’ve said, it’s a journal and not a diary for reasons I’m not explaining again because it would be a waste of time. I just wish people would mind their business sometimes? I swear to god nobody in this family ever knocks and it’s always some great emergency. I mean, I always have to be on guard and ready to leave at literally any moment because there are alien freaks trying to destroy the earth which is so awesome and just makes me so so happy. I mean it. I’m overjoyed. I’m so FUCKING happy that aliens of all things are ruining my ability to have a normal life and have just some free time, nevermind the fact that I’ve been waking up at ungodly hours of the morning to train since I was like a toddler. Um.

I guess dad has his moments and stuff and sometimes that really annoys me. But he’s the one that made me the absolute menace that I am today, so like, thanks dad? Even though I did most of the work myself. I think I deserve at least 90% of the credit for my training. Like, I was the one doing it, not him. He played a role but I’m a super sick ninja now because of me, not him. 

I’m definitely going to look back on these and cringe so hard. “Super sick ninja”???? Please. Please god I need to shut up. Am I seriously that annoying? 

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Entry no. 5

Walruses are like unicorns in the water and i don’t think theyre real actually

I just looked it up they’re real what the fuck. Why are they so ugly.

Entry no. 6

I DON’T REMEMBER WRITING THAT ENTRY 

Entry no. 7 

I definitely meant to say narwhals and not walruses. Sorry for not really writing but learning about narwhals is the only interesting thing in my life right now. Except for the aliens and whatever, but that’s the same as always.

Actually, i’d like to take this opportunity to complain. I know I get a lot of flack for my “anger issues” but can we talk about Donnie’s issue? Because I swear he looks for reasons to snap at us sometimes. It’s always super weird stuff that sets him off and I just don’t get it. At least when I do it there’s an actual reason, but he’s always mad about one of us turning on a fluorescent light or something. And yes, he has actually snapped at us because of that exact reason before and it’s happened more than once. You can literally ask Leo and Mikey and they can vouch for me.

Personally, there’s no difference at all between fluorescent and whatever the other kind is, but I guess they’re too bright. That’s what Donnie always says. Once he got mad at me for opening a door the wrong way. I’m dead serious, it was a real thing that happened. He said that the specific way I opened it made a “terrible noise” and that if I did it one more time he was going to strangle me. Like… okay, cool, but maybe chill the hell out for a second? And that’s coming from ME of all people. I’m an enthusiast of being proudly pissed off about things, but opening doors wrong? What does that even mean?

Today he threatened to kick me out of the room because I guess I was tapping my foot without realizing and the sound was driving him nuts, and. Come on, man. Every other person in the room can tune it out. Nobody had a problem until you decided to start one. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t like me, which I guess makes sense because it’s not like I’m nice to him either. We both annoy each other out of our minds, so I don’t expect any brotherly love there or anything.

I’ve never actually ended an entry without it being cut off or losing track of what I was doing so I don’t know how to do this. The end? Do I sign off? I guess.

- Raph

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Entry no. 8

I’m seriously going to lose my shit if someone interrupts me one more time while I’m trying to write in this thing. People keep coming in trying to talk to me, and 1. I HAVE HEADPHONES ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. 2. How is it that nobody ever wants my attention until I’m doing my own thing? Every day stuff like this happens. I’ll be out in the living room or whatever it is where we all sit and chill and try to talk to people and nobody cares, but as soon as I leave the room EVERYONE wants to talk to me apparently. I already gave up on talking to you guys about ten minutes ago, and NOW you need my attention? Fuck off. Seriously. 

I think people only want to talk to me to annoy me. Sometimes I’m pretty sure my brothers set me off on purpose because they think it’s funny. Actually, I know they do that, because they’ll annoy me on purpose to see how long I can go without blowing up at them, and then suddenly I’m the problem for being mad at them for psychologically torturing me. Like  sure, it’s such a great idea to piss off the trained martial artist with anger issues. What even is their thought process there? It’s a game to them and I know that. It just isn’t funny. 

Everyone always thinks they’re so hilarious for deliberately making fun of me and then pretending I’m the bad guy for getting mad about it. Like it’s my fault. What sucks is that I’m actually funny sometimes too, but they never think I’m funny when I’m trying to be even though I’m literally hilarious sometimes. They only think it’s funny when I’m mad at them and just want them to leave me alone. Nobody actually ever wants to hang out with me. Sucks because my brothers are really the only people I have, other than April. And hot take, but April sucks. I think she’s kind of an attention seeker. 

Yeah, Donnie would kill me if I said it out loud, but she’s really annoying and I can just tell that she was probably the kid that hissed at people in the hallways in middle school. She looks like she’d be that kid though, you can’t tell me I’m wrong for that. No hate to furries or whatever because furries are basically just mutants and I respect that. But that’s not that point and I’m not saying she’s a furry, I’m saying she’s weird. Not even a furry, I think she would actually think she was like… some kind of alpha female. Hissing at people to assert dominance.

Maybe I should hiss at her and see if she gets middle school flashbacks. Actually. No, that would make me the freak. This is why I need to actually think about my ideas before I go through with them. Maybe dad was right about that. Technically it would be sensei in this context, but if I can just leave this between you and me, I have a hard time even viewing him as my sensei. He’s just my weird dad. He taught me a lot of stuff, but… I don’t know. I almost want to say I don’t respect him like that, which sounds terrible, but I can’t see him as above me. He left me with a lot to unpack that I talked about a little bit before, and I don’t really feel like going into detail about that right now. I don’t have the time anyways. 

So yeah. I have daddy issues. Anyways

Entry no. 9

Guess who cut me off again? You’ll never guess.

Yeah, it was dad. Fuck you dad.

Don’t tell dad I said that.

That’s all I came here to say so… bye.

- Raph

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Entry no. 10

Am I the only one who genuinely just doesn’t think Space Heroes is cool? Leo keeps saying that you have to get past all of the old show cheese in order to really enjoy it for what it is, but that’s kind of the problem. What the show is is old show cheese. That’s the entire thing and it’s actually painful to watch. It’s not even cool and cheesy, like, I don’t know, Doctor Who or something? It’s just cheesy and that’s it. The plotlines are bad and the characters are just a whole other level of awful. I’ve never seen a more cut and paste Good Guy protagonist in my entire life. It’s absolute garbage but I can’t say it or Leo will throw a tantrum.

Apparently the comics are supposed to be better, but here’s the thing. I read the comics. They are not better. I would even argue that they’re worse because they try way too hard to fix the shitshow the TV series was. And you know how when a comic goes on for so long that the creators start to just make shit up? That’s basically what they did but the entire time, from the very start. It was terrible from start to end. Not that I actually read the entire series because I would sooner set my entire body on fire and then pour lemon juice into my eyes than do that, but I tried skimming a few of them and holy shit . It’s so bad that I started to pity Leo halfway through. 

It makes me actually concerned for his mental health that he dedicates so much time to a series that gives him absolutely no good content in return. He needs help. He needs an intervention. If he can bear reading those god awful comics then I kid you not I am terrified of what else that child is capable of. Even though we’re the same age, but whatever. And I think he’s also technically the older brother by popular vote or whatever. I’m not really sure how the ranking system works, but I know that I definitely should be the oldest and not him. And I should also be the leader of the team, but whatever. I mean, not that I’m good at leading a team, but did I say I was good at it? No. I just think that I deserve it. With practice I’m sure I could do it. Makes me mad that they never actually gave me a chance.

Okay, this is already getting really off topic, but can we actually talk about that? I think I should’ve been the leader. I know I was given a chance and I blew it, but to be fair, that mission was insane and I don’t even think Leo would know what to do. He’d probably be all like… I don’t know. Retreat? Run for the hills? The point is I think he would give up. Maybe even faster than I did. I know he’s really well trained. But I could also be really well trained if dad gave me half the attention he gave to Leo. Just saying. I deserve a round two.

I should probably go because it’s kind of late. See ya later.

- Raph

Entry no. 11

Just kidding, I can’t sleep. And before you come for me, I tried. For THREE HOURS I tried. I am now giving up because it’s clearly pointless.

My mouth is so insanely dry right now. I think I might be dying of dehydration. Like, I’m ready to drink the sewer water right now. I forgot to drink anything before or after our patrol tonight and apparently I just kept forgetting but now I am remembering and now I am regretting. I’m going to go insane this is so annoying. I can’t get up to get water because if I wake up dad he is capable of ending my life and I’m not willing to test that. I like to say that I do whatever I want, but I still know my limits. I don’t care about putting myself in danger, but I just don’t mess with dad. Especially when he’s tired and annoyed.

I guess that’s one thing I got from him. If I wake up mad for some reason and someone is being even a little annoying I will literally smack them clean across the face, because like, come on dude. You’re going to make the kitchen table a drum set at 5:30 AM? I should be sending you straight to hell where you belong, you’re lucky you got away with a warning smack. Okay. I’m definitely just talking about Mikey here, but let’s be real. He has way too much energy way too early in the morning and I just cannot deal with that. I cannot understand that. Everyone else is minding their own business trying to wake up, but this fucking madman walks in at like six in the morning already fully awake somehow and decides he’s going to try stand-up on us or whatever. Literal. Bloodlust. The way I see red instantly is unreal.

It takes him like twenty minutes to wake up and it takes me like an hour, so I just can’t stand him in the morning at all. That’s why I stay in my own little corner of the room and pretend I can’t hear him. Sometimes though I can’t take it. Most of the time, actually. I can’t believe I spend almost every single morning like this. Maybe that’s why I have so much rage, it’s the early morning horrible comedy show Mikey puts on.

Shit. I’m supposed to be sleeping. I guess my sleep schedule is gone after tonight. I say like I have one to begin with. I go out patrolling and fighting crazy evil aliens most nights until super late, and then we wake up at five in the morning every day to start it all over again. Per dad’s rules, obviously. I would never choose that life, I’m not that deranged. If I had it my way I’d probably sleep in every single day for the rest of my life, and I also wouldn’t have to fight aliens, and I’d probably also have my own room. Preferably not in a sewer. I get sort of sick of feeling like everything in the lair is dirty. Mostly because it literally is. 

I think that might be one of the most exhausting parts of being who I am. Everything I’m surrounded by is just disgusting. I feel gross all the time because obviously I do, I live in a fucking sewer. And I could try to clean it all off, but what’s the point? It’s still a fucking sewer. It’s just gonna get gross again. There’s no point. I can’t do anything about it. I try to be fine with it, because that’s the life I was given, and at least I’m not being abused or anything, and I’m not starving on the streets. I’m fighting for a good cause and I feel good about that. That part of my life I like, wouldn’t change it for a thing. Everything else though can go fuck itself.

I just feel bad for hating it all so much sometimes. Like I said. Not being abused. Not starving and dying or whatever. It could be worse and I totally get that, but I can’t help but think that it could also be way, way better. Maybe this is part of why I hate April so much. You know. Humans get all the good stuff. Except for the fact that she has no friends other than the weird sewer mutants and all that. Also losing her dad to alien invaders was pretty whack. But other than that stuff. I know wishing won’t do shit, but I wish I was human and that everything was normal every once in a while. Don’t see why I wouldn’t, honestly. I know Donnie does. Mikey probably does too. Not sure about Leo but I’m going to rope him into the group to prove my point. He’s probably thought about it at least once. I’m pretty sure it’s a normal teenager thing to want to be someone else too, which would be hilarious if it wasn’t insanely depressing. Isn’t it so funny how the closest thing I’ll have to a normal human teenage experience is hating myself? So so hilarious. 

Not that I actually hate myself or anything, but I’m not a super big fan of Raphael all the time. I don’t think he’s the greatest guy. I guess that’s kind of mean, but I don’t know if it’s still mean if you say it about a mean person, and everyone knows that Raph is mean. Raph is a big fucking jerk, actually, and I don’t understand how his siblings even stand him still. If they do at all. Because when has he ever done a single nice thing for any of them? He acts like he doesn’t care when he hurts people. He probably does it on purpose. He probably doesn’t care. Everyone knows he’s the least favorite kid and he deserves it. He deserves for his siblings to hate him too, I think.

I… think I need to sleep. This isn’t making sense anymore. Um.

Using my name feels wrong. Just take the shitty sign off.

- R

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Entry no. 12

Let’s all agree to ignore what happened last night. It isn’t real and didn’t happen. Thanks.

I forgot to mention this but hey, we’re on the double digits now!! I don’t know if that’s an achievement or if that just makes me weird and geeky, but I have a decent amount of writing in here now which is neat. Like a few pages worth. It’s enough that I can hold all the pages I wrote in and sort of do that thing where you like… flip them? Is there a word for it? Where they all fan out. I don’t think there’s a word for it but I don’t feel like explaining it because if I try I’ll be writing about just that for way too long.

I don’t really have much to write about today, which kind of sucks because for some reason I was looking forward to doing this today. That’s dumb. I know it’s dumb but this has been…. I don’t know, sort of helpful? Usually when I’m mad about stuff I just train by myself until I’m too exhausted to remember what I was mad about, but this works too, especially for when I don’t really feel like doing anything. Not that I get lazy, because believe me, I don’t. Always on the grind.

Okay, that was cringe. Let me reword.

It’s not like I don’t want to move because I’m too lazy to, but sometimes I’m just tired, and sometimes it’s too late at night to be making a racket like that. That’s what I meant. Just get tired from fighting aliens and being on patrol all night, and plus those things basically count as my workout for the day. Kicking alien ass is also a pretty nice way to let stuff out, by the way. I think everyone should try it just one time. It could do some people some good.

- Raph

Entry no. 13

Don’t tell anyone this, but I’m hanging out on a roof right now and I’m for sure not supposed to be here. I just didn’t want to be home and I didn’t really know where else to go, so here I am. Hopefully nobody rats me out or anything. That’s funny actually. Get it? Because dad’s a rat? And… uh, yeah. Anyways.

Actually, about dad. I think he’s mad at me for some reason. He says that I’m spending too much time “hiding away”. Like, what does that even mean? I’m not even hiding. There is nowhere in this stupid sewer that I could actually hide in. He’s the one that’s in his room all the time. He never even talks to us unless he wants something from us, like training or something like that. Or if we’re in trouble. But I’m not trying to hide or anything. I’ve just been writing more lately because it’s fun and god forbid I have a hobby. Maybe he’s got his panties in a twist because this specific hobby isn’t warrior-like enough or something. That sounds like something he’d complain about. 

That sounds dramatic but he really is like that sometimes. It’s stupid though. I think we can all agree on that, because obviously. I’m still doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m doing everything right, just like I’ve been doing, I just have a journal that apparently makes him mad. Well, probably. I don’t actually know why he’s mad or if he’s even mad at all, but that was the feeling I was getting from that conversation. Or maybe he wants me to spend more quality time with my brothers or whatever. Don’t know why he’d want that, considering what our quality time usually looks like. We all try to kill each other if we try to be civil with each other for more than ten minutes. I guess he wouldn’t know because he never actually talks to us.

I feel like I complain a lot about dad in here. I almost feel bad. Sometimes I wonder if he’d ever read this and be really disappointed in me for disrespecting him the way I do. Nearly every entry, too. It’s not my fault he’s always being so weird though. That’s on him. Maybe if he didn’t want to be disrespected he would actually give me something worth respecting.

Wow. Definitely don’t tell dad I said that either.

I forgot about the whole point of this entry so fast. Yeah, I’m topside right now. It’s actually really nice out. It’s nice to be out here and just chill instead of doing what I usually do. Gives me a chance to unwind for once. Home is always super tense because there’s always stuff going on and everyone is always stressed out of their minds, because duh, we’re trying to save earth. And I’m not saying I’m not stressed either. I can’t not be stressed, but it’s not like it’s constant. I’m just tired of being at home where someone is always tweaking out over something so even if I’m not stressed about my own stuff, I have to be stressed about their stuff. You know?

I never have anywhere to go at home, either. I already said this and already expressed my disdain, but I’ll say it again because I’ll die mad about it. I. Have. No. Room. I don’t have a single space that’s my own and it literally drives me insane. I can just be by myself out here and it’s nice. I think I might have to start coming out here more often. If I can not get caught, I mean. That’ll be tricky, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Ninja training should come in handy there.

I guess I need to head home before anyone notices. I’ll be back soon-ish.

- Raph

Entry no. 14

So I looked up narwhals again and it says that they’re actually whales. For some reason I thought they were fish so that’s cool. And apparently they can also change color? I think it’s with age, but still. Sick. I wish I was a mutated narwhal instead of a turtle. Imagine being a ninja narwhal, dude. That would be so cool.

Actually I would die on land if I was a narwhal. Maybe not. I’m still with the ninja narwhal thing though. We need a ninja narwhal on our team, like, right now. Maybe I should try to convince Donnie to experiment on April.

Entry no. 15

Why the hell do I keep writing about narwhals when I’m sleep deprived?

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Entry no. 16

I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

Entry no. 17

Ignore that last entry

Entry no. 18

Actually let's not. Let's talk about that for a minute because I'm getting really sick of my own bullshit.

How many times am I going to keep telling myself that I'm going to try to do better before I realize that it's just an outright lie? I'm serious. I keep doing this, I keep saying I'll get better, but I never do. It's just a neverending cycle and I've never even bothered trying to stop it because I think that if I'm at least aware that I'm being a jerk then it suddenly makes everything okay, and I have the moral high ground again. I could find every single excuse and explanation as to why I'm the way I am but it doesn't make me any better of a person and it actively contributes to how insanely obnoxious I am about everything.

I get tired of being the good guy and then I get tired of being the bad guy and I flip between the two like a beached seal on crack.

I feel like I need to be perfect all the time because if I don't then I'm afraid of what dad will think of me but at the same time I try so hard to be everything I know he would hate. And I know exactly where that got me. He's still mad and he's been saying that I'm neglecting my responsibilities and my family and stuff but I don't see how I could do that. My "responsibilities" invade every single area of my life. I'm never not thinking about my "responsibilities." A bitch can never chill out in the household though apparently.

I've been actually trying to cool it a little more lately because like I said before, this stupid ugly book is actually HELPING and now I'm sorta at a point where I don't want to give it up. 

If this can stay between me and god, or whatever might be secretly watching me right now, this ugly book is the one place I feel safe. Except for maybe when I'm hanging out on a roof. Oh yeah. Forgot to mention. I'm on the roof again. But writing shit down is actually super helpful and if I have to give that up I don't know what I'm gonna do because this is the only thing making me feel sane that isn't punching dummies until their stuffing comes out and pretending it's one of my brothers. That's a joke by the way. Mostly. 

I'm so tired. I keep thinking that I just want to go home, which is fucking ironic, because I really DON'T want to do that. I just want to have a place that I can go where I can actually feel safe and clean and maybe appreciated every once in a fucking while. I'm probably the least helpful on the team and everyone knows that and I wish I could be somewhere where I could be actually helpful. I know I already said that wishing doesn't do shit, but imagine if it could though. If you don't mind pretending with me for a second. We can pretend that I'm not being a big baby about this too.

Shame that I have nothing marginally good to say but that's my life, I guess. It just sucks and sucks some more. God I want to smash all the windows on this stupid building I'm on. The glass would probably scrape me up real good but I don't think I'd care. Would be nice to actually feel alive. Only for one night and then I'd be normal again and everyone can act like it didn't happen. Like they'd care to begin with. I come in with bruises and shit all the time, they wouldn't give it a second glance.

I think

Entry no. 19

SOMEONE RATTED ME OUT TO DAD. I'M SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW. 

Entry no. 20

I didn't explain that well last time but I need to write down what happened. Still pissed about it by the way. This was hours ago but I am FUMING. Holy shit.

So Leo called me and told me to come home which is why the last entry was cut off. And I know, I know, I shouldn't have answered and blah blah blah, but I have to answer in case it's an emergency. May I remind you about the crazy aliens? So yeah.

I guess they realized I wasn't there and sent someone to find me, but they couldn't find me, because why would I be somewhere they could find me? I'm not an idiot. So he called me and just told me to come home. So basically Leo knew I was going topside and he told dad. And now I can't even go back out there which sucks majorly, so yay!! So overjoyed right now.

Probably would have been worse if they came in like a SWAT team and ambushed me WHILE I WAS WRITING. Because I already said this, but nobody can know I have this. Even though I think dad caught on.

Maybe that's why he's mad? I've been kinda secretive but that's not his business so I still think he should leave me alone. Whatever.

I have a lot to be angry about right now, so I think I'm just gonna kick the shit out of some things in the dojo until my feet bleed. See ya later, suckers.

- Raph

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Entry no. 21

I have a lot of entries now. I'm just thinking about how like, one day there's probably going to be like forty something entries in this thing. I could probably fill out this whole book.

I'm going to ignore all the stuff from last night, by the way. I don't really want to think about it. 

So I've been listening to music and stuff lately because I'm bored and I don't know what to do with my life. Which is so funny to me, because imagine, of all emotions to feel during an alien invasion, you're bored. How? Literally how. Anyways. 

I've been branching out because we usually just listen to Leo's stuff, occasionally mine, which is pretty much just Leo's stuff remixed because I never really felt the need to expand that horizon. Not a really big music guy, not gonna lie. But I found a few bands that don't make my ears bleed. And you're not allowed to judge me for these because if you do I'll kill you. Just don't. 

But I've been listening to My Chemical Romance and stuff because I learned about them through April who learned about them through Casey, and it's been all I've been listening to for the past few hours. Like, their stuff is GOOD. Like I said, not a music guy, but this stuff? It's making me a music guy. I swear this band is going to turn me because this absolutely rules. 

Um, that's kind of it. I lost track of what I was writing and I forgot what I was gonna say, so… yeah? Yeah.

- Raph

Entry no. 22

Speaking of music today I learned that Donnie is a Swiftie and knowing this information is altering my brain chemistry

Entry no. 23

Okay, I know I mentioned this FOREVER ago. But remember when I was talking about not recognizing my brothers and stuff like that? That’s been happening a lot lately for some reason and it is seriously starting to freak me out. It’s trippy looking at people you’ve known for your entire life and suddenly feeling like you don’t even know them. Like, obviously I know them, but the information doesn’t really process correctly. 

Probably some kind of psychological defect that I don’t have the time to research. I’d ask Donnie, but (dis)respectfully, fuck Donnie. Because I know he’d be super condescending about it and use words I don’t know. He always acts like it’s so crazy that I don’t know what shit like, I don’t know, microbiotics means. I do know what microbiotics is but it’s just an example so shut up. It’s just that he always acts like he’s smarter than me, and personally? He’s really not better than anyone for knowing fancy words and fancy science. It’s exhausting to talk to him sometimes. That’s all. It’s exhausting to talk to any of them.

I think I’m probably mentally ill or something though, which is stupid, because imagine being a mentally ill mutant turtle ninja. Imagine being such a horrifying concoction of things. I swear to god I am the most upsetting thing to grace this fucking earth. Me and all of my brothers, and dad, and April just because I hate her. Sorry Donnie. Actually, I’m not sorry, because I think April is the one person I’m actually justified in hating. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that every once in a while my judgment is actually right.

But yeah, I would do the research myself if I didn’t know it would make my head hurt just trying to understand half the stuff I find. I’m not super big on all the brain stuff. Science in general really isn’t my thing. I think that if I was in a normal school and I was a normal person science would probably be my worst subject. I’m a little glad I ended up in the situation that I did because I’m pretty sure that every subject would be my worst one. School would wipe the floor with me. I’ve heard April talk about it a few times when school was still a thing that actually mattered in her life and it literally sounds evil. It’s basically like making kids do free labor. Except in their brains or whatever. I don’t know, but it sounds super fucked up and I thank god every day that I don’t have to deal with it. It’s the one good thing about my messed up life. 

Maybe that’s kind of dramatic. There’s a few good things. My brothers are okay sometimes, even though I complain about them a lot. I already said that fighting aliens is fun. I like actually having things to fight for, and I know I’m fighting for a cause. That’s a satisfaction that I guess I’m grateful to have. I feel like I have a purpose here, even if it ruins me. Even if it kills me. At least I’ll die fighting for something, right? That’s how I think about it. I actually love fighting the kraang, as horrible as that sounds. They ruined my life but I’m also kind of glad they came. I have a weird relationship with the aliens that are invading my planet I guess.

And I like writing in here but we already know that. Seriously can’t stress enough that this book has been a miracle. It’s curing my mental illness.

That’s obviously a joke. It’s funny. Everyone laugh now.

I think I need to go on patrol soon, and I want to do a few warmups before that, so I’ll be back in a little while. Or whenever I write next, I don’t know. I’ll be here eventually.

- Raph

Chapter Text

Entry no. 24

I knew this would fucking happen I knew it I told myself it would happen eventually and I already blew it 

I'm ruining everything right now

I feel like I can't even breathe how did I fuck up this bad

I need to get out of this fucking house right now or I'm gonna scream

I can't do this anymore I can't keep doing this to people I don't know when it's going to stop

I feel like I can't even control myself I'm so pathetic 

I fucking hate this I fucking hate myself why did I do that why did I do that

I think I might actually cry 

I'm going to cry I can literally feel it

Entry no. 25

Shut up 

Entry no. 26

Boys don't cry. Shut up

Entry no. 27

Boys don't cry I'm not crying this isn't happening it's not happening I'm FINE THIS IS FINE.

Entry no. 28

I was right. There's something wrong with me.

Entry no. 29

Haha aren't these last few entries funny? Isn't this so funny? I'm so fucking hilarious!!! This is so great and I'm so happy about this for real!!

I did something horrible and now I can't take it back this RULES!!!!!

Entry no. 30

I think I owe you an explanation. I just don't want to look this situation in the face and I don't want to admit I did anything wrong yet because I'm an asshole like that. So um. Shit. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Um… I said before that I don't really think anybody likes Raph. So I'm gonna be talking about Raph right now. Which isn't me. Let's just pretend that isn't me. I'm normal and this is totally normal. Okay? Raph did something shitty again.

I don't know why he thought it was a good idea, but he got mad over something stupid again, because stuff has been kind of stressful lately. And I get that, been there. But then he starts picking fights with Leo, over just. Stupid stuff. Little stuff. And then everything exploded because he wanted it to. Secretly he wanted it to because he just wanted something to scream at. And that's really fucked up and I'm really mad at him for that now. 

He said some stuff that you should never, ever say to your brothers. Really unnecessary stuff. And I'm mad at him, because he acted like he wasn't even gonna regret it. He's still acting like he doesn't regret it, and I bet he's out somewhere hiding in the tunnels, hiding from all the shit he pulled tonight because he's too much of a coward to face the consequences of his own actions.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't want to be Raph anymore. Not right now I mean. I don't want to be the same person that keeps hurting people for no reason. I don't want to keep doing this and not knowing how to stop fucking everything up. I just can't help myself though, can I? Fucking idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot. 

I hate Raph. I hate him so much. 

Do I sign off? Do I even bother? I don't really know what to put here anymore. Huh. Whatever.

- R

Entry no. 31

I'm going to try to fix this.

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 32

It took a while but I talked to Leo about stuff. I was freaking out and didn't want to look at him for a while but earlier we talked and I think everything is mostly fine, but I didn't really give that much context for what's going on so I'm gonna try to do that now.

Basically, Leo was mad at me for going out and stuff, and how I've been "distant", and I blew up on him and said a lot of horrible stuff. Mostly though I was just freaking out about how he was trying to keep me from one of like three good things in my life right now. I didn't really say that though. I did say he was a controlling asshole and that he didn't deserve to know what I was doing with my time and a LOT of other stuff I don't really want to write down, because honestly, it would be humiliating.

So I talked to him today and I apologized. I just felt awful. Usually I try to just avoid things until they blow over, and I know that's not good to do, but it's what's been working. I… probably need to work on that. But I made him cry, dude. And Mikey was super upset too because he overheard the whole thing, and the Donnie caught wind of it, and then dad did, and I was just digging my grave at that point if I didn't try to fix it. I mean, I had to do something either way, even if I didn't feel bad about it. Which I do, by the way. I still feel super shitty.

Apparently, according to Leo at least, they just missed me. My brothers, MISSING me. Me of all people. I don't get it either, but whatever. I do feel super bad though so I'm gonna be hanging out with them a little more. Sorry, book. You're cool too, like, trust me, you're really cool. But I think I just need to hang out with them for a while and get everything cleared up. This is going to be an absolute chore to clean up but I don't want to do anything like this again.

I know I always say up and then I go and screw it up again, but I seriously ACTUALLY don't ever want to see Leo cry like that because of me again. That was genuinely traumatizing. 

I don't have a lot of time, so I'll be back later. See you soon.

- R

Entry no. 33

My brothers aren't that bad actually. I think things will probably be fine. 

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 34

I think dad is maybe avoiding me. He's doing that thing where he's in his room "thinking" a lot. Not that I doubt that he's thinking, but Jesus Christ does he think a lot. I don't understand how he has time for it.

Sometimes I wonder how Mikey turned out the way he dad when dad is.. the way he is, I guess. How did this man spawn a child that only has one brain cell? And then there's Donnie. Maybe Donnie took all of the brain cells from Mikey in childbirth.

Entry no. 35

Did I forget that dad didn't birth us from his own body? HOW???

Entry no. 36

I didn't really mention this and I sort of didn't want to, but I think you probably noticed. I haven't really been signing off with my actual name, which is kind of weird. I'd say I'm doing it on purpose but I don't really know. I wasn't thinking about it much until now. 

I was doing it at first to separate me from myself. Obviously. We've been over that already like, twice now. But now I'm just doing it without thinking about it that much, and I think I like it better. For one, it's easier to write, and also I don't know if I'm going to ████ ██ █████ █ ████ █████ ████ ██ ██ ███ ████ ██████ ████ █ ███████ ████ ███ ███ ██████ █████ ████ ███████ ███ █ █████ █ █████ ██████ ████ ██ ████ █████ █ █████ ████████ ██████ ███ █ ██████

Entry no. 37

IGNORE ALL OF THAT HAHA

Entry no. 38

Dad is going to absolutely kill me if he ever finds out about this but I'm going to be more careful this time. I'm not going to fuck it up like I did with the sneaking out thing. Oh, speaking of that. I'm allowed to go out now. I forgot to mention after everything that happened. But me and dad talked a little bit and he said it was fine. Didn't really say much else though. 

Maybe I can try talking more later with him, I don't know. Worth a shot, I guess? I've never really talked to him without him coming to me first so I have no clue how I'm going to do that but I'll figure that out later. I kind of just want to let everything chill out for a while. We've met a happy medium and I'm not gonna be an idiot and screw with that.

Sorry. I'm just thinking a lot which is literally never a good thing. I know I said to ignore that last entry but it's about that. I'm not explaining it, don't want to, don't wanna think about it either. But yeah. Really fun stuff.

Hopefully everything turns out normal and everything is fine because if it doesn't I'm going to actually blow something up. 

Chapter Text

Entry no. 39

Okay, I need to preface this all by saying that I have this one specific toxic trait that I don't ever plan on changing about myself, and it's the fact that I'll let shitty people stay in my life as long as I can leech off of them.

That being said, April got me Starbucks. She actually got all of us Starbucks but I don't care about what everyone else got and I'm not going to bother going over all of that, but she got me this absolute concoction of a drink and I have NO idea what it is but it's amazing. And now I'm sort of frustrated because I've been going through their stupid app for hours and I can't find anything that even vaguely sounds like whatever she got me. She won't tell me what it was because apparently it's a secret. Why. Why is it a secret?? She won't tell me that either. I've reached a dead end and she's being about as unhelpful as she possibly could be. 

Entry no. 40

I can't believe entry 40 is about this but she said it was a hot chocolate with other stuff in it. Which is barely helpful at all. I still can't figure out what the fuck she put in it.

Entry no. 41

IT WAS CARAMEL AND HAZELNUT

Entry no. 42

I think I should clarify that I'm officially deciding that Starbucks is not a basic white girl thing for me to enjoy because if anyone says that to me I am going to crush them with the full weight of the sun. 

It's the same thing as like, this is a journal and not a diary because if anyone says it's a diary I'll personally kill them. I think we need a reminder about that, by the way, so here's a friendly reminder. This is a JOURNAL. NOT a diary. Thanks. And Starbucks is for COOL GUYS and NOT basic white girls. 

It's kind of funny actually, because I really can't stand the taste of coffee. Leo and Donnie will drink it (especially Donnie, he has a caffeine addiction and it's a serious problem) but me and Mikey don't really care about it. Actually, Mikey doesn't care about it, and I just hate it with a burning passion. It's disgusting. Mikey will take sips of people's drinks regardless of what it is to annoy them though, so I guess that's just him being him.  

That actually reminds me. A few weeks ago Mikey THREW a pizza at my face because I said one of his jokes weren't funny and he's still making fun of me for it because it stained my mask and I couldn't wear it for a few days because I couldn't find a place to wash it, since I'm obviously not going to do that down here. He called me pizza face for like two weeks straight and it was pure medieval torture and I'm still a little mad about it.

Oh, AND the pizza burned my face. Forgot to mention that. I just about strangled him for that part alone. Like, if it was just a cold pizza I might have let him be because it's annoying, but it's not that big of a deal. But he burned my face, so fair is fair, and I completely kicked his ass in training the next day.

Anyways, I don't really have much else to say that I actually want to say, so I guess that's it.

Entry no. 43

Some guy made a song about narwhals did you know that

Entry no. 44

Seriously what is with me and narwhals?? This is the third time.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 45

Guess who still hasn't talked to dad? No seriously, guess. 

It's me. Oops.

Listen, I was a little bit distracted by the whole Starbucks thing, and I've been talking to my brothers lately, and we're unpacking a lot right now. Between Starbucks and unloading all of our childhood trauma onto each other I haven't really found the time to have an emotional incredibly scary conversation with my father. My bad. 

But me and my brothers are doing pretty okay. For some reason me sneaking out and stuff has been the thing that ended up bringing up all the insane shit we've seen, so we've just been talking about all that for a few days. Not just the kraang, I mean the stuff from when we were growing up too. Because believe me, growing up as a mutant was a pretty fucked up time. Especially being raised by another mutant with tragic backstories to the nines.

First of all, growing up and hearing constantly how dad lost his wife and his daughter to shredder was pretty whack. Like, yeah, it wasn't a great time. We know that. But he used that story SO MUCH as a segue into training or life lessons or whatever even when it didn't really make sense to. It's cool that he's trying to get over it but can he get over it maybe a few feet away from us instead of involving us in it for some reason?? But I guess I wasn't the only one a little annoyed by it. Not that the others were annoyed by it, that was just me. But it did make them pretty uncomfortable, so like, we're all on the same side here is what I meant. 

We can all mutually agree that dad was really weird growing up (and still is really weird) and did some stuff that was not really that cool. Multiple times he let us almost die for the sake of teaching us something which I feel like isn't really the most efficient way to do it, no offense.

I guess I’m probably being too hard on him. Maybe all of us are. But I’ve said this before and I think it applies to this too– yeah, things could be worse, but they could also be way better. He’s so preoccupied with his own shit that it feels a little bit like he doesn’t care about what we go through. Like I said before, he doesn’t even really talk to us, even if we want him to. Even if we literally ask him to sometimes. I stopped trying to get his attention when I was like five or something because it just wasn’t worth it.

I miss him sometimes. You know, when he was actually okay ish at being a dad. But I know it doesn’t matter how much I miss him. Besides, he’s right there. I know the way he is now, and it’s not like he’s changing.

And it’s not like I told all of my brothers these deep dark emo ass thoughts, because to be blunt, fuck that. I don’t need them to know how I feel about dad, or about anything else. That’s what I write for. I just mostly let them talk about their stuff after I sort of broke the ice and then I agreed with them where I could and things like that. I don’t think I’d be able to go too deep into the topic with them without giving myself a seizure anyways. This’ll sound stupid, and it’s because it is stupid, really stupid, but I’m a little bit scared of talking to my brothers about anything too deep. Isn’t that kind of pathetic? That’s sad. I like to think I’m so tough, that I just don’t have anything to talk about because I’m over it, I don’t hurt over anything too long because it’s a waste of my time, but the most infuriating part about me is that I actually do hurt over everything, all the time. Everything hurts a lot. I stay upset at things for my entire life and I plan to take it all to my grave, because I’d rather spare the embarrassment of telling someone, especially my brothers, that I’m a fucking baby who still misses his daddy who is literally IN THE OTHER ROOM. It’s dumb and I’d rather be burned at the stake than admit half the stuff I agonize about 24/7.

Anyways. Leo was dad’s biggest defender the whole time because he’s the favorite child and we all know it, so I guess it makes sense. He’s the only one dad actually likes half the time. He kept telling us that dad actually gave us plenty of attention, plenty of praise, plenty of everything he should have, but here’s the thing. Leo got all of us. The rest of us didn’t get shit. Obviously he thinks that dad is perfect, because he’s the perfect kid to dad. Leo is cool and all, I just hate it when he says stuff like that. He has no idea what he’s talking about. And Donnie and Mikey just sort of awkwardly disagreed in the most annoyingly passive way ever, so we didn’t really get much of anywhere. Unless a really uncomfortable silence counts. So we didn’t really argue on whether or not dad sucks for long.

I don’t know. There was a lot we went over in the past few days and I can’t even remember all of it, but it was a lot. I just think

Entry no. 46

I think I’m in trouble fuck

Entry no. 47

Nevermind

Entry no. 48

Dad came and talked to me again and I just have a lot to process right now so I’m just going to write about it later okay? It’s a lot I am not handling this well and I just can’t write right now. I’m sorry

Chapter Text

Entry no. 49

You already know what this is about so I'm just gonna get into it. I don't think he was really that mad, but basically he actually apologized? Sort of. He said that he was sorry that I felt the need to escape and that he was sorry that I didn't feel safe (which I don't remember ever telling anyone but okay) but then he also said a bunch of stuff about how hard he was trying to provide for me and how he was so very hurt by my actions, blah blah. Which is fair because I have done a lot of hurtful things, but I don't know. It just seemed weird to me?

And he told me that he knows what I've been writing in here which honestly makes my skin crawl. He doesn't know everything because obviously he doesn't, he's just seen little snippets of stuff but I'm still really fucking upset about that. Nobody was supposed to even know I have this and apparently he's just been reading from it behind my back? He said he didn't mean any harm but let's be real. How the fuck do you NOT mean harm by reading someone else's personal stuff?

I'm having a hard time thinking right now because of how pissed off I am with him. I've been writing this whole entry in the tunnels because I don't trust writing while I'm home right now and it's one of the most awful feelings ever. I just want to have ONE safe thing. Just one. People keep trying to take me away from everything that makes me actually happy and I just don't know what to do right now. Every time I find something that makes me feel okay it gets ripped from me and I don't even get a choice in the matter because I never do about anything. I had to deal with getting my whole life ripped away from me, what little of a life I had, because of fucking aliens of all things, and now I'm just struggling to find any way to deal with that because apparently I'm not allowed to have coping mechanisms either?? 

I always feel bad when I say this, but fuck you dad.

Entry no. 50

I miss my brothers 

I've been away from home for too long

I came up on the roof again and I fell asleep and I can't remember how long I've been here but it's got to have been at least a day 

I'm going to be in so much trouble but I don't care

Entry no. 51

Called it. I am in so much trouble right now.

Entry no. 52

If dad wasn't mad at me before, he definitely is now. Leaving the lair for a day and a half was probably not a good idea. Funny that I can't find it in me to regret it. 

I don't have the energy to write right now which sucks because there's a lot to talk about, but I'll leave it as this.

Entry no. 53

I'm freaking out a little bit right now let me explain

Donnie talked to me today. He asked if I was okay which was kind of weird. He said I didn't seem like myself which was sort of funny to me because I really haven't been myself lately and I also have no idea who "myself" even is lately, so I guess that was noticeable. And.. I don't really know how to word this, but everything I didn't want to come up came up. I almost want to say I was scared, but that sounds so dumb that I don't want to say it for real.

He said that he saw what I was doing and said that he was there for me if I needed him and all that, and this is the super messed up part. He said that if I ever wanted to "explore my identity", whatever the fuck that means, that I can go to him because he knows a few people that would understand?? Which is super ominous and also a very obvious tell that he knows something he shouldn't. He didn't seem nervous to admit it though which is ever weirder. 

He also kept going on and on about how he knew what it was like to have mental health struggles and stuff, which is cool and all, but when did I say I had that problem? Literally never. And then he said that I should talk to Mikey too, and there's no way in hell I'm talking to Mikey about anything even remotely personal. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anyways.

I think he might know I was thinking about changing my name. I mentioned it before but I crossed it all out because I freaked out and didn't want dad seeing it, which I guess turned out to be the right decision. But I never said anything about that to anyone, and I have no idea how that got out unless he could somehow tell, which makes no sense, so. Yeah. I don't fucking know but I'm weirded out by this. 

Anyways. I don't have a lot of time, so I should probably go. 

R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 54

Donnie is still being a little freak about all this. He slipped me a note with just a bunch of websites to visit and stuff? I think it was a bunch of stuff for mentally ill people or whatever, which is… funny. I don't even know what half of it is for to be honest and I'm still super weirded out by just everything right now. I don't get why he keeps trying to be nice to me. I haven’t looked through any of the actual websites, just the names of them and all that, but I know what he’s trying to do and it’s sort of making me uncomfortable.

Everyone has actually been really weirdly nice and that is setting me off a LOT. Like, I think it's a pretty logical conclusion to say that something is almost definitely up with them. They're never this nice to me. I have a feeling they’ve been talking about me behind my back about things. I have no clue. I just know that the tension is really high right now, it’s probably my fault, and everyone else apparently knows something I don't, which is driving me insane. Did I ever mention that I hate it when people don’t tell me things? It’s one of the worst things to do to me. Instantly pisses me off.

I want to say I’m mad but I don’t even know how I feel anymore. I guess I’m just confused? Really freaked out? I feel like I’m losing my mind and everyone is acting like everything is fine but I know it’s not, and I know I’m the reason all of this is happening. I’m the reason dad is mad, too. I know he said that he wanted to help, but he also said a bunch of shit about how it’s hard for HIM that I’M struggling, which makes no sense. I still haven’t talked to him and at this point I don’t want to. I don’t have the energy. It’s been hard to even write lately because I really just want to pass out for six weeks straight, or at least until everyone forgets I exist. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing all this down, but it’s been going on so long, I can’t remember anymore, and it had to be said eventually. I feel like shit and I’ve felt like shit for longer than I can remember. It’s always something. Can’t really have much peace when you live in the world I do. I guess I should be grateful that I haven’t been killed yet, but more often than not there’s a tiny bit of me that’s mad it hasn’t happened.

I swear I’m not suicidal. I’m really not, I can promise you that. But anything would be easier than living like this, and I can’t see many other ways out of it. 

Yeah. Fuck, this got dark really fast. I don’t like writing about this.

I think I’m just going to stop here. Sorry.

• R

Entry no. 55

Sorry about the last entry. The whole situation got the best of me. I’m doing better ish now, so just pretend all of that didn’t happen. I don’t want to think about it and I know you don’t either.

I checked out some of the websites Donnie gave to me though, and I’m really fucking confused to say the absolute least. So, yes, a lot of it was stuff for mentally ill people, a lot of stuff about trauma and shit. Which, like, I guess that makes sense. Alien invasions are kind of traumatizing. What’s not making sense to me is that most of it was about childhood trauma, and spoiler alert: there were no aliens in my childhood. And I highly doubt there was any trauma either, so I don’t know what that’s all about. He really took me complaining about dad a little and ran with it. But wait for it, because the other stuff he gave me made even less sense, and I’m not kidding when I say I actually laughed at loud when I found out what it all was.

On that note there were at least three (probably more, I didn’t count too carefully) websites that were supposed resources for “transgender youth”, and I only know what one of those words means. Classic Donnie sending me sources for shit that I can’t even pronounce. Not that I can’t pronounce that word, because I’m pretty sure I can, but you get what I mean. Whatever. The point is that I don’t know how that’s supposed to help me if I don’t even know what it means. Probably should have expected that of him. 

I’ll keep you updated, because I’m actually having so much fun looking through this stuff and seeing how ridiculously bad Donnie is at reading people. I’ll be back later when I have more info. 

I’m laughing so fucking hard right now.

- R

Entry no. 56

Shit. Shit shit shit.

It’s three in the morning right now and I shouldn’t be awake. I know. I got caught up reading stuff and I think I’m learning some things I REALLY didn’t want to and I’m so not happy about this. I can’t explain it without sounding crazy so I’m going to just leave this here for whenever I come back to it. Hopefully never. Shit.

Entry no. 57

Ignore that last entry. Anyways.

I’ve been trying to think of a game plan for the whole talking to dad thing, because I have no idea what to say to him, and I also don’t like the idea of it at all. So I 

Entry no. 58

Well, fuck my game plan I guess. Him coming to talk to me himself also works. Like, it’s not what I wanted, but at least we’re getting somewhere. 

Turns out all he wanted was an apology for sneaking out too late. Not even for sneaking out. Just doing it too late at night. And I had to promise to not do it again, blah blah, but the whole thing went smoother than I expected. So that’s good, probably. One less thing to worry about kind of. I’m pretty sure he’s still not totally happy with me just because in general I am a disappointment of a son, but he’s not mad about this specific thing anymore, which is a win for me.

But yeah, that’s why I got cut off last time. Not much else to say, just that I can’t go out really late anymore. Not without being really careful. I’m not going to do it super often, but come on. I have to get out of this place sometimes. 

Anyways. I’ll be back later.

- R

Entry no. 59

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate you Donnie. Fuck you Donnie for putting this shit in my head.

Entry no. 60

This is embarrassing to say, because I feel like I really shouldn’t be afraid right now, of all the emotions I could be experiencing. I should be angry, or disappointed in myself, or literally anything else, but my hands cannot stop shaking for the life of me and I can’t get them to stop, so sorry if my handwriting is terrible. I’m just terrified and this is a stupid thing to be afraid of. I’m being so stupid right now over something I feel like I don’t even have the guts to say. 

I read the articles and stuff. I didn’t understand a lot of it, but I’m not an idiot, and because I’m not an idiot, I obviously can recognize patterns and I can obviously make connections between two things, especially when they’re this obvious, and maybe I should have figured this out a long time ago. I just didn’t know what it all was and I didn’t know the words for it. I don’t know. I can’t tell if this is making sense but it doesn’t have to anyways.

I keep saying a bunch of filler stuff because I don’t want to get to the point of it. I don’t want to say it because I don’t know for sure yet. 

I’ll just cross it out.

█ █████ █ █████ ██ ██████

I won't bother signing off. You probably already know why.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 61

Things haven't gotten much better which is about what I expect of this whole… whatever this is. Everything is weird and messed up right now and I feel like I'm simultaneously losing the will to care but also panicking more and more about it every waking moment, so that's been chill to deal with. 

Donnie is still being a weirdo about everything. He keeps smiling at me and trying to talk to me, and I'm brushing him off as much as I can without making it look suspicious. I don't know if I can ever talk to him about what's going on. I know he brought it up, and clearly he wants to have some kind of conversation with me about something, but I know what he wants and I really don't care to deal with it right now. He's just gonna ask a bunch of questions that'll piss me off, I know it.

I'm not really doing so hot, obviously, considering everything, but not everything is totally awful. I actually came here to talk about something that happened earlier today that was kind of cool. 

I was out, since I'm allowed to do that now, and I found a stray cat on the street. I mean, I'm pretty sure she was a stray. She had tags and stuff, but no address was written and she obviously has been out and about for a while. Her name is Angel, though. All white. Kind of an uncreative name but that's not my business, I guess. Probably a kid named her. Poor thing. And I think she's blind? She didn't really like me approaching her unless I was talking to her, I think because she couldn't tell where I was coming from. I don't know. She was really pretty though. Like, banged up from being outside in the elements, but still. Beautiful.

And if this can stay between me and this dumb journal, I was talking to her for a long time. I know that she's a cat, so it's not like she understood anything I said, but it was nice company, at least. Less stressful than being around my family for sure. I'm hoping I'll be able to find her again.

- R

Entry no. 62

THE CAT. FOLLOWED ME. INTO THE SEWER. WHAT THE FUCK.

I didn't realize she was behind me, and I don't even know how she tracked me because I'm 90% sure she's LITERALLY BLIND, so it had to be just by the sound of my footsteps. I know I'm kind of a loud walker, but Jesus Christ. So now I have to find a way to get her back to the surface without freaking her out because I don't want her to think I'm gonna hurt her. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Wish me luck, I guess. I'm going to go find her now.

- R

Entry no. 63

Cat successfully transported. I had to pick her up because she didn't want to follow me up no matter how hard I tried. I gave her treats and everything, but nah, wasn't having it, because of course not. So I sort of just scooped her up and hoped she wouldn't kill me. Which she didn't. She definitely did try though. 

I'll probably figure out a way to explain the cat scratches. I hope.

- R

Entry no. 64

Donnie stop being a freak challenge

I swear to God he's been so weird lately and it would actually be better if

Entry no. 65

Speak of the goddamn devil. You'll never guess who walked in on me as I was writing that.

Yeah. He's still trying to talk to me about stuff. He was asking if I ever actually read all those articles he gave to me, and obviously I did, we know that, and he asked if I learned anything from them, and again, obviously I did. We already know literally all of this. Not like I really enjoyed any of that, but it happened. 

He kept egging me for more information, which is fair I guess, because I still haven't told him shit since that last time we all talked about dad, but in case you haven't caught on somehow, I'm not really super into emotional conversations. He had me pretty much cornered though, so I let a little information slip. I pretty much just said that I didn't get most of it but I think I learned some stuff from it, which is true and it answered his question, so I thought he'd leave it at that, but he was being nosy as hell. He just kept asking. 

Actually, I'm pretty sure he only asked like, once, but it just felt like a lot. He was trying to get more info. Asking what I learned and what about, and I don't know why, but it was just a lot. I cracked. Only a little bit, so I should be fine for now, I think. I just said that the trans resources he sent me were helpful.

And holy shit, when I tell you he went completely berserk on me. Not berserk in a mad way, but he got really really excited and told me that he had a lot he wanted to tell me, and that he wanted to take me somewhere eventually, didn't say where. And then didn't give me any other context. So basically, I think Donnie is going insane or something, because nothing he said made any sense. Not in the usual way where he's just using stupidly big words when he could just explain things like a normal person, but not making sense as in he literally was not making sense and wasn't explaining anything at all to me.

Kind of funny how he wants me to give him every detail possible, but the moment it's his turn to talk none of that applies. Once again. Classic Donnie.

It literally astounds me sometimes that we're supposed to be the idiots that save the world. 

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 66

Okay, I take back every mean thing I've ever said about Donnie. He's actually sort of cool.

So. Okay. This needs a lot of backstory so I'm just gonna get into that. He was tagging along with me to hang out on the roof because he wouldn't stop nagging me and he said he wanted to talk to me again, and honestly, he was bouncing off the fucking walls so I wanted to know what was up.

Basically though, I'm pretty sure Donnie is trans and that's why he was giving me those websites to begin with. He was really vague about it but he said that it was a possibility, because he saw the signs in himself, and apparently that's how he knew I might have been. He said it was by "observation" even though I know he just means that he's been stalking me.

Technically I don't even know if he's a he anymore, but I don't know what else to use. Unless he's the other thing, I forget the name of it. Where you can be not a boy or a girl. There's a word for it, but I cannot remember it for the life of me, so we're just gonna go with boygirln't and pretend that doesn't sound completely stupid. But yeah. I think Donnie might be that thing.

I haven't really thought about what exactly I am yet. I don't think I'm at that part of the process yet, if that makes sense. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I might be anything at all, so I probably won't know for a while. I'm really hoping that I'm just confused. I haven't thought about names or pronouns or anything like that at all and I really don't want to. Like ever. I don't want to dive deeper into this in any way because I feel like if I do, I won't be able to go back. I think I probably already know exactly what I am, I just want to put off letting that out for as long as I can. I have no idea. 

I guess some things are starting to make sense. It makes sense now that I don't really like my name. Or the way I look. Or really anything about me, but to be fair that totally could have been regular insecurity. 

I don't know if I want to talk about this that much right now. I have way too much to think about and talking about how I've spent my whole life hating myself isn't really helping. You know though, I really can't help but wonder if this is the reason why, or if going down this rabbit hole is gonna be the one thing that finally fixes me. Sucks that it's such a shitty thing, then. I really don't want to turn out to be trans, but if it's the thing that makes me chill the hell out for once then I don't know. I just don't know and I don't want to think about it.

He's still asking me to talk to Mikey, by the way. He mentioned it again. I still don't actually know why. I think he's trying to get us to bond or something, and like, that's great and all, really. But I've mentioned before that whenever we try to bond something usually ends up broken that something might be one of our bones one day. I did mention that, right? And I said that to him, and he just sort of rolled his eyes at me like I was lying to him. Which I wasn't. 

I don't think Mikey even likes me anyways, and I think he's kind of annoying, so I don't know how or why we would talk, you know? We'd probably just end up arguing with each other and I don't see how that would be productive. As much as I'd love to argue with Mikey, that's probably not what he meant by "talk".

I'll figure it out later, I guess.

- R

Entry no. 67

Things about narwhals that I know now:

1. Their big horn thing is a tooth actually

2. They are cool as fuck

3. They live in cold as fuck places

4. They used to be near endangerment but they aren't anymore so that's probably why I thought they didn't exist

5. Climate change fucking sucks and keeps killing fish

6. That's not about narwhals but it's a thing also

Okay actually more about their teeth. Or. Tooth, I guess? They don't have teeth in their mouth I'm pretty sure, they just have a bigass sword on their head. Also most females don't have the big tooth, I don't know how their teeth situation works but that's there. And some of them have TWO.

Imagine fucking around in the ocean with two giant swords on your head. What a life.

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 68

We kind of ran out of food in the house, so we sent April on a food run because if we did it ourselves we'd probably be shot off the streets. 

It's mostly frozen stuff and whatever, because the lair is basically a nuclear warzone (reminder that I still live in a sewer), so that's normal. 

However.

She got us Starbucks again, and I don't know if I should be grateful or highly offended by it, but she apparently noticed that I like it last time. Actually, she said that I was "drinking it like it had crack in it" which was NOT what was happening, but either way. She got me more and I'm trying to guess what it is again. 

All I know is that it's frozen and really sweet, and really fucking good. Like, probably my new favorite thing levels of good. 

I just can't pinpoint the taste at all which is driving me insane. I have no idea what it is other than sugar, ice, and some kind of milk thing in a cup. This is genuinely confusing the shit out of me and also really irritating me at this point because I just know she's going to be a dick and refuse to tell me what it is.

I'm going to ask her anyways. Wish me luck.

- R

Entry no. 69

Haha nice

Anyways

Entry no. 70

Sorry, had to.

And big surprise, she won't fucking tell me what it was. She's also making fun of me for asking her so much now, so that's also great. I don't know who else to ask about this. Maybe I can try Donnie? We've been talking, so maybe. Or I could be an asshole and ask Mikey and then tell Donnie that we talked. I mean, he didn't say about what, so… 

Actually, that might be a good idea. Mikey knows stuff about food, so there's a good chance he'll know. Maybe I should go ask him.

Okay. I'm going to make the rounds with my brothers to see if they can figure this out, probably. I'll be back in a minute.

Entry no. 71

I asked Mikey and he said there was definitely cinnamon in it, which isn't super helpful, but now I know part of the flavor, which means that now I can probably just look it up on the menu? 

Also, you know what's super annoying? April isn't telling ANYONE what they got. None of us have any idea what she's getting us and she's leaving us to figure it out. Like, I get that it's probably funny to her, but holy shit is it annoying to me. Whatever. 

- R

Entry no. 72

IT'S CINNAMON DOLCE

Entry no. 73

Shocking news, Donnie is still being super weird. Amazing, incredible, never would have expected it. I actually don't know how to feel about the conversation we just had, so I'll put it down here and you can be the judge, I guess.

Obviously he noticed me going around and asking people about my drink because I was going insane trying to figure it out, and I have no idea what made him say it, because it's really not a big deal, but he said he was proud of me. Like, for talking to people. That's it. 

I almost want to be offended. Does he think that I can't have even one civil conversation with people or something? I just don't get it.

He was so genuine about it too that it's really tripping me up. I feel like he's trying to get on my good side for some reason and I really don't trust it. It's freaking me out. I don't know. I feel like there's something here I'm missing and I hate it.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm probably just gonna go to bed and pretend it didn't happen.

- R

Entry no. 74

I saw Angel while I was patrolling last night and it got me thinking. I need to figure out her birthday so I can give her a treat or something. I just don't know what cats are allowed to have so I'd probably have to look it up. I'm pretty sure they can't have chocolate but I might be mixing that up with dogs? I don't know. 

Chapter Text

Entry no. 75

I'm going to scream and hit a wall. I'm so done right now. I'm so fucking tired of this self discovery shit. I just want one day without some kind of identity crisis, Jesus Christ and Mary.

I've been looking into the trans stuff because even though it sucks, I still want to figure it out. There's a lot of terms and I don't know what half of them mean. I just know that you can go straight from boy to girl or you can go from boy to some other thing. I mean, obviously you can do it the other way around too, I just mean in my situation. I don't know. I don't really feel like I'm a girl, but I don't really feel super connected with boy…ness either. I just am one because that's what everyone says I am, and that's what I'm supposed to be. I know that's dumb, but I didn't even know this stuff was an option so cut me some slack.

What I'm confused about is how you know you're some kind of weird in between thing. There's pretty cut and dry rules for boys and girls, and I like to think I'm pretty damn good at being a guy. I do everything I'm supposed to do. So what if I don't connect with it, right? Because I really doubt that anyone actually cares that much about their gender. Like, guys don't actually get that upset about wearing dresses and shit. We're just being dramatic. I'm pretty sure we're just being dramatic. I don't actually know because it's not like anyone told me, but it makes sense in my head, and therefore it's totally true and I have no reason to doubt it. Just pretend that's a sound argument. 

Anyways. Apparently people get uncomfortable doing certain gender things because they want to be another gender, or because they are another gender, but like, on the inside? It's really confusing. But I don't think I do that, that's the thing. Either way. Like I said, I'm pretty sure nobody actually cares about wearing dresses as a guy. At least, I don't. I think they're pretty and they're actually really comfortable, so no big deal. But I'm not uncomfortable doing normal boy things either. I feel like I'm probably one of the most stereotypical boys anyone could ever meet, actually. Donnie, on the other hand.. yeah, I can see it. He still hasn't told me what the hell he is, either, but that's a topic for later. 

The other part of it is really liking certain gender stuff too though. I don't know. I'd have to think about it. Because the idea of being a girl isn't horrible, honestly, but I'm not too keen on doing normal girl stuff. I guess I'm not too keen on doing anything normal, because of my whole situation, but still. Minus all of the stuff that comes with it, being a girl would be cool. I mean, being considered pretty and stuff would be nice. It would be nice to be soft and pretty and shit like that sometimes even though that's embarrassing to write down, but I still don't mind being the way I am. Sometimes I sort of wish I could just do both at the same time. Being a boy and a girl, all at once. I think that would be sick if it were an actual thing. Too bad it isn't. What an idea.

- R

Entry no. 76

Who was going to tell me that doing both is a thing because apparently IT'S A THING. 

Good thing that's not me though haha

Entry no. 77

Fuck. 

Chapter Text

Entry no. 78

Sorry I haven't been here for a while. Stuff has been happening and I haven't really had the time to write or anything, and I haven't had the motivation either. I don't know. It's been a long past few days and I sort of just want to pass out right now.

Me and Donnie are still talking about stuff. Actually, it's mostly just been him asking me a fuck ton of questions and expecting me to know the answers, but same difference. Gender is still happening which is fun, I guess. If fun means actually not fun at all and I'm still super mad that I ever got dragged into this. Because crazy aliens weren't enough, right? I had to have a whole identity crisis too. God. I'm so tired.

I haven't talked to Mikey yet. Or Leo. I haven't really talked to anyone except for Donnie in a while, honestly. This'll sound stupid, but he's the only person that feels safe right now. I'm still trying to process everything but stuff just keeps happening and I don't know how to keep up. I don't know what's going to happen and that's by far one of the worst feelings to experience. I hate not knowing what's coming and I hate being dragged into things I'm not familiar with. Like, yes, I also hate having the weight of saving the entire world on my shoulders sometimes, but I least I know how to do that. I don't know how to have a fucking identity crisis or how to work through my trauma or what fucking ever Donnie is trying to make me do and this is literally the most stressful thing ever. I want to get mad at him for doing this, but I already did, and he kind of kicked my ass over it, so that's not really an option anymore. By the way, still mad that Donnie of all people managed to take me out so hard. No offense to him.

I think I need to get out for a while.

- R

Entry no. 79

This is so dumb. So dumb. 

It's nice out tonight. I'm on the roof and it's foggy and wet out but it's nice. I guess.

I don't know what I need to say right now but I think I have to or it's going to kill me. Holy shit, it's eating me alive. I don't even know what it is. It's like I can't even recognize this city anymore. I can't even recognize myself anymore. 

I keep staring at my hands and they just don't look real. I just want to sit here and enjoy the view. Fuck's sake. 

I don't remember how I got here. 

I don't need to write this all out. I really don't, I shouldn't be, I need to just feel this until it goes away but I don't know how else to pass the time. I've got music, and it's helping. Barely. But it's so fucking loud, but if I turn it down I can hear everything else, and I really don't want to hear everything else. I don't know what to do.

My head hurts. 

I hope it doesn't start raining. I don't want this book to get ruined. 

I'm trying to think of stuff to say, but…

What the fuck am I doing up here?

Someone is coming. Fuck. Fuck.

Entry no. 80

I don't know what to do. I can't even picture him not hating me. I don't fucking get it and I don't know what to do. Jesus. 

I'm going to stay out here for a while. It's not like he'll miss me.

Entry no. 81

He did. He told me he did. God. I can't do this. 

Chapter Text

Entry no. 82

I've been hiding in the sewers for hours trying to avoid the guys at home. I know this is a dumb thing to do but I really don't want to go back right now. Nothing bad happened, but somehow I just know I can't face them. God, not like this.

Mikey came and found me on the roof. Totally ok accident too, can you believe it? He didn't even mean to. And he fucking asked if I was okay as if it even mattered. Like everyone keeps doing lately because they're all stuck on pretending that they're worried about me. But he just had this look in his eyes, I don't even know. I couldn't look at him. I can't even imagine looking at him still. He asked if I was okay and I was an idiot and I didn't answer him. 

He was looking at me like we were the only things that ever mattered. Is this making sense? I sort of hope it doesn't.

I know he wanted to talk to me for some reason but to be honest, he scared the shit out of me coming up there to begin with, and I was so out of it I didn't even know what was happening. It didn't really feel real. It was just him, and he was like this alien from another planet and I was supposed to know him somehow. I still don't know how to even describe it. It was just so insane. 

He was so worried about me and it's driving me crazy because I've never done a thing for him to deserve that. I've been an asshole to him his entire life and he still thinks I'm his perfect big brother who's gonna protect him forever, or whatever the hell he thinks of me. I just know that whatever he thinks he's probably wrong.

He said he missed me. What the fuck does that even mean? I was right there. I was literally right there and he misses me. I don't get it. Any of this.

I hate this so much. I hate this so fucking much. 

I hate Mikey.

- R

Entry no. 83

I'm such a fucking liar. I don't hate him. 

Sorry Mikey.

Entry no. 84

So those last few entries were kind of a moment. I still don't know how to explain what happened, but I can give the building blocks or whatever and let you just figure it out from there. I don't feel like going into detail, so just deal with that too.

Mikey went out around the same time I did. He wasn't following me, actually. I thought he was, but I asked and he said he wasn't, so unless he's lying, he wasn't tracking me. I don't think he'd lie about it. I honestly think he might be too dumb to think of a lie that fast anyways.

He just happened to find me and wanted to talk because it would pass the time and apparently I looked really dazed. Which I was, I guess. I don't remember a lot from that night and it's bothering the hell out of me. He says that he tried talking to me and I didn't answer him. Like I couldn't hear him. 

It's not very cool that I can't remember shit for fuck about what happened back there and it's making me freak out a little bit, but I'm going to keep that on the down low for now because I don't feel like dealing with another stupid problem right now. I need to handle one thing at a time.

It's starting to hit me that I really cannot handle all this right now and I hate to admit it, but this shit is breaking me down. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just can't do this.

Maybe I should look more into the stuff Donnie sent me. Not the gender stuff, the other stuff. I don't know, I might find something useful. Grasping at straws, blah blah, I know, but listen. I don't know what the fuck else to do and I'm kind of running out of options here, because kicking the shit out of dummies and writing about my "feelings" isn't cutting it. I need something that'll actually help. I don't know what it is, but I've gotten nowhere and I'm running in circles trying to fix shit.

I have to go talk to Donnie. And Mikey. I think we just all need to talk, like, in general. I fucking hate doing that but I really need to right now.

I need serious fucking help and I'll be damned if someone hands me the answers and I refuse to use them. I'm going to actually try to do something about this for once.

Wish me luck, I guess. God knows I'm gonna need it for the shit that's about to hit the fan.

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 85

Well. That went about as well as it could have.

They know I've been avoiding them, which I kind of expected, because duh, of course I'm avoiding them. 

It was late at night and we were all really tired standing around in the kitchen acting like we all just happened to be there at the same time, which is probably one of the top ten ways to have conversations you don't want to have. Like, ignoring the fact that I'm a mutant freak with little to no relatable experiences, I'm pretty sure everyone has kitchen conversations with their siblings, because this is like the fourth time this has happened.

It was kind of nice to talk to them, even if I didn't really want to open up that much. They just were saying they were worried about me, which is a little bit irritating, because who isn't worried about me lately? It's like the newest fucking trend or something. Other than that, though. I think we actually had a civil conversation, which is new. Especially for me and Mikey. I guess Donnie and me have been getting along lately, but that's not the point. 

I guess I kind of missed talking to them. It's dumb, I know, shut up.

There's actually a few things that we know now that we aren't allowed to tell Leo because it was a just us conversation, which is sort of weird. I've never really kept a secret from just Leo before. I mean, I've kept secrets, just not only from him. If I'm gonna lie I'm gonna lie to all of them. Equality, or whatever.

But basically, Donnie pretty much admitted he was nonbinary. Or they, or something? So. Okay. Donnie said that he goes by they/them now, so THEY go by they/them. I think? I don't know how this stuff works still. And he didn't say anything about what we've been talking about alone, thank God. Not that he really knows much, but I did basically tell him I was questioning my gender. Really smart of me. Still regretting it. But 

FUCK I just realized I keep using the wrong pronouns. God damnit. Let me restart

Shit. Okay. THEY didn't say anything about it after I basically came out to them. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

And Mikey is still a dude. I'm pretty sure. Unless he conveniently left his transgenderism out of the conversation then I'm assuming he's fine.

I didn't say anything about my own shit, but I feel like they could probably tell that something was up with me. The conversation was pretty much about how I was being a freak lately and how they apparently miss me, and they were asking about why maybe I've been distant. Which, by the way, I wasn't trying to do that. Well. I was kind of trying to do that. I was avoiding them but I didn't mean to completely fuck up the delicate balance of nature or whatever. 

Again, didn't say that much. Just that I've been feeling really weird. And also that it felt like I didn't know them sometimes so I didn't really feel the need to talk to them because why would I talk to strangers? Um. Yeah. That came up a little bit and they probably think I'm insane. Oh well, I guess. That's what I get for ignoring my annoying little brothers. 

And we talked about a bunch of that stuff in general. Like. About my anger issues and about Donnie's issues also, and Mikey actually told us some stuff that was pretty wild too. Apparently he has ADHD. Did not know that. And that's probably why he is the way he is. I feel kinda stupid for not figuring that out earlier. Donnie said that we all definitely have something going on though and we all made some kind of pact. Just like, a promise to meet up with each other and talk about feelings, basically. Trying to get better. 

I don't know how I'm going to even do this but I better hope it works.

So yeah. That's pretty much the scoop. Don't know what else to say here, so.. bye?

- R

Entry no. 86

I swear if I snap at someone one more time I am going to snap my own neck. I cannot fucking believe this but at the same time I'm not surprised.

Like, I get that Mikey is annoying, but holy shit, man. Jesus Christ. I can't. 

I've been telling myself that I need to get better about stuff, and we JUST talked about it, and I said that yeah, I'm gonna be trying to do better, and what do I do? Fucking whack my little brother across the head. Because that's such a great idea. Really gaining their trust here. 

I swear I cannot do one simple thing without fucking it up somehow. I promised them. I literally promised I was going to try to do better. I know I have issues. They know I have issues. Every fucking person who knows me knows that and for the first time in my life I really want to change that and I just can't. I can't do it, apparently.

Maybe this is just the way I am. You know how some people aren't capable of change. I feel like I might be one of them. I always tell myself I'm going to stop but I never do because some part of me likes being an asshole to people too much. 

I don't know if they're even going to be able to trust me. Definitely a gamble on whether or not I can even trust myself at this point. I hate this all so much. 

I think I'm just gonna go out and kick around some kraang. I don't know what else to do and I really don't care.

- R

Entry no. 87

Didn't find the kraang, but you know who I did find? Angel. 

She's basically glued to my lap right now and she's been refusing to move for like half an hour. 

I was trying to get out and blow off steam, but not gonna lie, this helps. It's… I forget the word.

Hold on, I need to look a word up.

Grounding. I meant grounding. It's that. 

I'm so scared I'm going to crush her somehow. It's just, I'm so huge compared to her. My hand can completely cover her face twice over. I don't want to hurt her. I'm just being really really careful so I don't do anything dumb on accident.

She's so cute when she's sleeping. 

Entry no. 88

Mikey came to find me. It was really.. weird? 

I don't really get why, but he asked if I was okay because he noticed that I was gone for a while, even though I was the one that hurt him.

Like, obviously I'm fine, I'm not the one that got hit in the face. I don't know.

It was nice of him and all but I don't think it was deserved, if you know what I mean. 

He got to meet Angel though, which was pretty cool. He's not allowed to tell the others that she's been hanging around with me. I don't really want everyone knowing that I spend my time cuddling with stray cats.

I'm back home now. Just trying to wind down.

I'll probably see you later.

- R

Chapter Text

Entry no. 89

I wish I was a girl so FUCKING BAD

Entry no. 90

Ignore that thanks

Entry no. 91

Tried ignoring it, didn't work. 

I don't know if I can really explain this that well, but I need to write down this gender stuff or I will go insane. I don't know if I exactly want to be a girl, but you know what I do want? Like, really bad? And don't tell anyone this or I will kill you. But I wish that for just a little while I could feel pretty. I know I'm handsome, not gonna say I'm not because I'm a pretty good looking guy ignoring the mutant turtle stuff, but sometimes I just want to be pretty. What sucks is that I know that's too much to ask for, because it's sort of hard to be pretty when you're, you know, a mutant turtle. Like, maybe if I wasn't so rough around the edges, and maybe if I were a little nicer then it might be possible, but it just isn't. I know that. 

I like being a boy. Trust me, I really do. I like the whole roughhousing with my brothers (and Donnie who doesn't count anymore) thing and the whole being a cool ninja thing and all of that stuff. I like being a boy and being a little rugged and messy. I don't ever want to not be a boy, but if I could somehow just do both? Sounds pretty sweet to me. I know I could, but I don't think that I'm really allowed to if that makes sense.

I think dad would just about kill me if her ever found out I'm trying to be a ninja and a kunoichi at the same time. I don't even want to think about how my brothers (and Donnie) would react because I know they'd make fun of me for it for the rest of my life. Like. Raph? Being a girl? Are you fucking serious? Those two things just don't go together and everyone knows that. I don't think they'd even take me seriously. 

I'm so fucking nervous dad is going to find this and look through it again, but I've been hiding this book, so I don't think he will. I've basically been keeping it in my shell this whole time, because God forbid I leave it out accidentally once and then get outed to my entire family as an insane freak who thinks he's a girl for some fucking reason. I don't know what I'd do if they found out.

And then the word would get to April, and then Casey, and hell, probably even the kraang because I'm just that unlucky. 

Do you think the kraang would be dicks about people being trans? I think the kraang would be transphobic.

Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm just thinking. Mikey would lose his absolute shit if this ever got out to him. He was fine about Donnie being trans or whatever, but no offense to Donnie, he

THEY. They never really had boy energy to begin with. Does that make any sense? Pretend that makes sense. Donnie never seemed like a boy, looking back. It was easy for them because they've always been like that. I can't just come out to my family and expect it to make any sense to them, nevermind the fact that I don't even know what the fuck I am yet.

Whatever. It's been a long day, and we need to go on patrol soon. I'll be back.

- R

Entry no. 92

Do you think anyone would notice if I put eyeliner on my mask? Like, just a tiny bit. 

Entry no. 93 

SHIT SHIT FUCK I'M AN IDIOT

WELL THEY DEFINITELY NOTICED!!!!

Entry no. 94

Top ten dumbest bitches in the entire world. Holy shit I hate myself. I am so stupid. Why. Why did I do that. Why. 

I look fly as hell now obviously, but this is so not worth it. Help me god. I'm so fucking stupid. I want to throw a brick at my own head.

They're not even being that weird about it but the fact that they noticed at all is making me panic a little bit. I should have known they would, it's obviously fucking eyeliner. Oh my god. What the fuck. 

Donnie is definitely on to me now, Mikey probably is too. Shit.

Entry no. 95

They did NOT just ask me to come talk to them. This is the worst day. Holy shit. I'm so done for.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 96

I'm so screwed. I basically just outed myself to my brothers. That was the dumbest idea I've ever had in my entire life.

They weren't even intrusive or anything, but they asked if I was trans and I just stared at them like a fucking idiot because I didn't know what to say. Ended up chickening out of the whole talk and ran off, so now I'm out again. Yay me for great decision making there. Now they know for sure. Literally all I had to do was say I wasn't trans but I decided to run off like a dumbass.

At least I get to spend some time with Angel out here. She's been warming up to me. You just have to make sure she knows you're there, since she can't see and all. But if I call her name then she'll cuddle right up to me. Adorable. 

I better find a good way to get out of this soon. I can't keep hiding from my family like this.

Fuck.

- R

Entry no. 97

WHOEVER TOLD LEO ABOUT THE SITUATION IS ABOUT TO DIE BY MY SAIS 

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???

Entry no. 98

Apparently Mikey spilled because he can't keep his mouth shut for five goddamn seconds. I am going to deshell this child. I'd say I can't believe it, but honestly? It's Mikey. I absolutely can believe this and I hate it. He's such a moron, fucking hell.

Leo has been blowing up my phone nonstop for the past hour and I have a feeling he's topside right now looking for me.

I don't even care anymore. Might as well wait for him to show up.

The amount of shit going down because of some eyeliner right now is ridiculous. I still can't believe I ever thought that was a good idea. I swear on my life I will never touch makeup again. This is a nightmare. 

Entry no. 99

Leo came. I don't want to talk about it right now.

Sorry.

Entry no. 100

Fuck, there's a lot happening.

This is like, the fourth sibling talk we've all had, and I hope to God this is the last one we do because I'm exhausted right now.

So.. fuck. Hooray I guess, everyone and their mother knows I'm crazy and trying to be a girl. Or a whatever the fuck, I don't know and I don't care.

Leo got all offended that I didn't tell him, and then Donnie started explaining, and now Leo knows that Donnie's got this shit going on, too, so there's that.

Leo said that he "didn't want to be in the dark" which is SO not what we were doing, but okay. I'm a little mad at him for the way he was talking about it at first because he was being an annoying bitch about it. It wasn't that awful, though. Way less awful than I thought it would be.

He gave the whole "I love you no matter what" spiel which was terrible to sit through, but it was kinda nice. For both me and Donnie. We talked a lot about the gender stuff, and we both got a lot of questions, because Donnie was dumb and said that anyone could ask us anything and we'd answer. Which, by the way, I never agreed to that, but that's what I got stuck with. 

So I answered about fifteen million questions about my gender and shit. That was fun. Um. They know I don't want to be a guy now. Basically. That feels really weird to say, but that's what it is. Christ. I'm still trying to process it in case you can't tell.

So I said that I didn't really feel like a girl, but not really like a boy either, that I sort of wanted to do both, and they asked if they could use different pronouns. Like. Both she/her and he/him. They're actually willing to call me a she if I want them to. They're not even weirded out by it.

Um… I guess another introduction is maybe in place. I can't fucking believe I'm doing this, it's so corny.

Fuck. Okay. Just spit it out. Jesus Christ. 

Hi. I don't really have a name yet, I haven't thought of one. For now I just go by R. That's what my siblings said they were gonna call me, at least. 

Yep, this is stupid. This makes me sound stupid as fuck but I have to or it won't feel real.

I go by R, and my pronouns are she/he. I think. Fuck. 

FUCK.

And I think I might be bigender. Something like that. 

My siblings don't hate me for it, and I'm probably going to try telling Casey and April eventually. God. I don't know how I'm gonna tell Casey. I'll work it out later. I just need a while to chill out. It's been a lot tonight. 

Well, it's been real. Thanks for listening.

- R

Entry no. 101

I'm keeping the eyeliner. I was so right when I said it made me look fly as fuck. 

Chapter Text

Entry no. 102

I haven't really written about anything other than gender stuff in a while, and since that's all over and done with ish, I can now officially complain about other stuff. Whoopdeedoo.

I kicked the shit out of some kraang tonight, so that was nice. First patrol out as a girl. Girlboy? Boygirl? Whatever. All I care about is that I probably looked really cool. Also, I really needed to get some stuff out, so that was a good stress relief. Had to come back home eventually though.

Remember a while ago when I said that April went out and got us food? Yeah. We ran out probably three weeks ago, so it's been just Mikey's horrifying creations for a while. I'm so serious when I say I might start stealing food out of dumpsters before eating whatever the hell that guy is making. I'll eat the pizza and stuff, because pizza is good, I just don't trust Mikey. 

Not gonna lie, I've been scavenging a little bit. I may have taken some of dad's secret food. I know where his stash is, he sucks at hiding it. Obviously I don't take that much or he'd definitely notice, but little stuff. Dude has chips galore. 

I’m gonna be asking April to get us more stuff, and probably sending Mikey topside too to try to get things. He always manages to find shit, and he won’t tell us how he does it. I’ve never bothered asking. As long as he comes back with food I don’t care what he’s doing, he could be out murdering people for all I know. I’ll probably text them tonight and see what comes of that, I don’t know.

I know this’ll sound dumb, but I’m actually kind of bored after everything that just went down. Not having some major crisis in my life gets too easy too fast. I guess that’s just the way I am. I always have to do things the hard way just to prove that I can. I mentioned this a super long time ago, but it always feels like there’s some unknown force watching me. No matter what I do, I feel like I need to prove something to someone that isn’t even there. Maybe I’m just doing this all for myself. Trying to prove to myself that I’m worth a damn. And right now I have nothing to prove myself over. I can’t power through anything if my life is going smoothly. I hope this makes sense, but it’s like nothing is worth anything if there isn’t anything to really fight for, or fight through, whatever. The whole trans thing was a massive curveball, sure, but it was a reason to wake up in the morning. I could go through every day powering through it and feel like I stood for something. Defeating the kraang is a great motivator too, but as fucked up as it sounds, alien apocalypses get sort of repetitive after a while. I know I’m fighting the good fight, and I love doing that, believe me. But sometimes it just loses its meaning. Sometimes I just don’t know why the hell I’m fighting so hard.

Well, shit. Speak of the devil. I have to be on patrol, I’ll be back in a minute.

- R

Entry no. 103

I’m getting really fucking sick of people acting like I’m a literal bomb whenever I show literally any sign of frustration, oh my god.

This probably needs context but I don’t want to talk about it, so I’m not going to. I’m just sick of getting mad about stuff and watching everyone do that super obvious backing away thing they do, like I’m gonna kill them if they get too close or something. Like, yes, I’m mad, but that doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I have bloodlust. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I’ve only ever hurt people on accident, is the thing. And they always apologize to me for every little thing, too, like that’s gonna help. I mean, mostly Donnie does that, but Mikey does it a lot too. I just don’t get it. What the fuck did I ever do for him to be so afraid of me? They all know that I just need to let stuff out, and I’ll be fine after. I don’t get how they haven’t caught onto that yet after living with me literally their whole lives, but whatever. They can do what they want.

I’m so sick of being treated like I’m a monster. I’m not dangerous. 

I’m not a monster.

I’m not a fucking monster.

Chapter Text

Just so you know, you dropped this while we were out. I saw some of the stuff in here, but it was a total accident, I promise. It was just out, and it was the first thing I saw. I hope you’re doing better, I know stuff can be a lot sometimes.

I’m so so sorry but I didn’t want you to lose it. I swear on my life, I won’t tell a soul.

Entry no. 105

Who the FUCK??

Entry no. 106

I take back everything I said about being bored. My life is over. Fuck. FUCK.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 107

So. Shit.

I guess April found my stuff! Super awesome! I'm doing so well right now, you won't believe it.

I'm going to scream.

I can't do this. I know I absolutely cannot risk anyone else finding out about this, and she did say that she promised not to tell anyone, but I don't trust that. Things get out in this family way too fast. One way or another, someone's going to find out, and they're gonna spill to everyone else, and then everyone's going to know that I've been keeping this dumb fucking journal for months now. Dad already knows which is bad enough, but at least he's smart enough to not tell anybody. God. I'm so done with this place.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, for the thousandth time, but I'll figure out something. I always do. For now, I probably shouldn't be keeping this thing in my shell, because I'd rather drop dead than have this ever happen again. I'll probably hide it somewhere in the lair, I don't know where yet. I never said I had an actual plan though, to be fair. 

I have a feeling I'm going to be in a lot of trouble if anything I wrote in here gets out, so I'm looking forward to that. Gonna be a real good time. 

I hate it here. 

- R

Entry no. 108

I am so not used to not carrying this thing everywhere. I have felt naked the entire day. Like. This'll sound dumb, but it sort of made me feel more secure? It almost feels as bad as going into battle without any weapons. I don't know, it just sucks, and I wish I didn't have to leave it at home, but whatever. It is what it is.

I've been keeping this in the sewers outside the lair. There's a spot in one of the tunnels where the bricks are falling out of the walls, which sucks for the tunnel, but it's super convenient for me because I can just put it in there and cover it back up with some of the bricks that fell. I have a secret compartment built into the sewers and that's kind of cool. 

And as much as I hate April right now, she did deliver the food she promised, so that's cool also. I may have snuck some out here so I could hide it. Nobody will know. They'll probably catch on eventually, but for now, I'm golden. I'm just trying not to eat it all like a starved animal, because I've been living off of Mikey's toxic sludge for a while. Trust me, getting a taste of actual food after going through that would make anyone at least a little bit insane. I'm resisting it though. Not going nuts. I usually try to ration this stuff as much as I can so I don't run out. 

So yeah, that's all that. Other than the fact that I want to kick April's ass right now, things are going okay. Still mad, still probably going to rock her shit so hard she sees god for a minute, but that's what she gets for going through my shit. On accident. But still. 

I don't know. I'll figure out the April thing later, but we're definitely having a talk. 

- R

Entry no. 109

I've been thinking. I still haven't come up with a new name. I've been trying to figure one out, but I don't know if it's really gonna work? I'll just write it down and cross it out and see if it does anything. 

You can ignore this entry. I don't care, I'm just testing shit.

- ████

Entry no. 110

Okay. I've been on my narwhals thing again because I may have been looking up what I would feed a narwhal if I hypothetically kept one as a pet. We're not gonna talk about that part though, we're talking about shrimp. Because they eat those and they're kind of cool.

They're like tiny little lobsters, basically? I think? I don't know. It says they're connected to them. I've been reading the wiki page for them because I think they look funny. Apparently their little legs suck so much that they're almost totally useless. Their tails work though. I think that's how they swim usually because their tiny legs are too weak to actually work. 

Also they can see like five million colors. I don't really know how this works, I'd have to ask Donnie, but we only have.. three color processing things, whatever they are. Shrimp have TWELVE. 

Color cones. They're cones that are in our eyes, I guess. I don't know, I'm new to the whole eye anatomy thing. Personally I think it's unfair that shrimp can see more stuff than I can but whatever.

Actually, let me look something up really quick.

Okay, I'm SO MAD. 

Turtles are supposed to be able to see MORE colors than humans. And I know for a fact that I sure as hell can't do that. What the fuck? I hate mutagen. This is bullshit.

I want to see turtle colors.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 111

Unfortunately April didn't get her shit kicked, but I did tell her to stay the hell away from my stuff, and we came to that agreement, at least. Nobody knows except for her. So obviously I forced her to get me Starbucks as compensation. That was given, duh. Still won't tell me what it is, which is still annoying. You'd think the least she could do after all this is tell me what the hell she's getting me. For all I know it could be poison. Whatever.

I'm at a point where I'm trying not to be that mad at her. I know she didn't mean to do anything wrong, but shit, man. I just… I don't know. I hate that someone read anything in here. I hate that it's managed to happen twice. Nobody is supposed to know I have this and now the secret's out to two people. I wish I could say that if I could go back I could make none of this happen, but I should've known all of this would go down, because I know how my family is. They don't give a fuck about privacy. We barely have our own spaces. I know I've complained about all this before, but I don't care. Nothing stays a secret for long in this dumb fucking sewer and I knew that. I should have known this would happen.

This is why I don't ever do anything for myself anymore. My brothers are all judgemental little pricks. Nosy little pricks too. I can't get anything without getting made fun of. Hell, I'm shocked they haven't come at me for the Starbucks thing yet.

I mean, it's a good thing I have headphones still, right? That way I can have my music at least. That's one of the few things that I can actually have without getting dogged on for it. I've actually been listening to a few things lately that are new, I sorta forgot to mention with everything going on. My bad. But I've been going down this pipeline of weird music I keep finding, and there's this one girl, I think her name is Penelope Scott? I have no idea what the fuck her music is but it rules. I don't know. I would never on my life tell anyone that I listen to her, but I think she's cool. 

Kind of hitting a block on what to talk about. Dammit. I'll be back later.

Uh. Ignore this signoff, I'm still testing things. Thanks.

- ████

Entry no. 112

Maybe don't ignore that sign off. I kind of like it.

I'm still a little confused on the whole gender thing, so I don't know if I'm really a girl. Or a boy. Or anything. I don't know. But I know that it's a pretty feminine name and I know I kind of really like it, so maybe that's a start.

I need to text Donnie. For reasons.

Entry no. 113

I forget that my siblings are really cool sometimes.

The word's gotten out about the name thing, with my actual permission for once this time. Donnie asked if they could tell the guys, and I figured, why the hell not? It's not like they don't already know. And I also sorta wanted to see what they thought. I didn't know if it was fitting or anything. They were all really nice about it, and I don't know. This'll sound dumb and cringe and you can judge me if you want to for it, but I don't care. I love my family. We're stupid and fucked up and I really don't like them sometimes but I know I love them. I can't escape from that. 

Anyways. 

I gotta go in a few minutes. Donnie keeps saying they want to talk to me, and they've been literally blowing up my phone for the past fifteen minutes. I think they had the other guys spam me too. I fucking hate it when they do that, but whatever. I'll be back.

If you could just ignore this signoff for now that would be great. It's just a test and I don't even know if I wanna use it yet, but I wanted to put it here just to see how it looks. Don't think anything of it.

- Ruby

Chapter Text

Entry no. 114

Holy shit. I know I've said this before, but Donnie is so cool sometimes.

They didn't actually want to talk, really. They took me topside and, I don't know if I should even be writing this in case I get found out again, but they introduced me to some people. Like, people people. Not mutants. They have human friends topside that they just conveniently never told us about. Probably because they know we would flip out on them if we did, which is fair, I guess. I think they said they met online? On some forum for some nerdy shit, I don't remember. The point is that their friends are human and somehow totally chill about the fact that we're mutants. Obviously they didn't know at first since it was online. I don't know what the hell happened between point a and point b for us to get here but they seemed kind of cool. Other than the fact that they were huge nerds. Duh. Like I wouldn't expect that from Donnie's friends.

Oh shit. I almost forgot. You know what else they were totally chill with? The whole nonbinary thing, they had that down. I didn't hear them get the pronouns for anyone wrong a single time. I have no idea how they do that. Like it just comes naturally to them. I think a few of them were gay too. There was this girl, or I think she was a girl, and she had really cool hair by the way. It was ORANGE. Not ginger, but literally bright neon orange. It was dyed, I think. I asked her but I can't remember. Anyways. She had a girlfriend, she said. Pretty sure that's gay even if she isn't actually a girl like I thought. That was one of the people Donnie met online too.

I wish humans didn't get to do so much cool shit. Obviously the hair dye thing, that's sick and it's dumb that I can't do that. But they had all these cool piercings too, and I know I can't do that because I've got this dumb turtle skin. We don't even know if we could do it safely. If I was actually able to I'd totally have a bunch of piercings though. I can maybe ask Donnie about some of them actually. We could work something out? I don't know. Whatever. That's a problem for later.

So yeah. Tonight was pretty insane. I don't really know how to process a lot of this because to be honest, my brain is still catching up, but that's all that. 

Damn, do I wish I had friends like they do. Those people were so cool. 

- Ruby 

Entry no. 115

SHIT SHIT SHIT WHY IS ANGEL HERE

Entry no. 116

Oh my god was that a close call. Stupid cat was trying to sneak into the lair. She didn't want to follow me out so I had to sort of just pick her up and throw her back outside. I know she doesn't like being picked up but she didn't give me much of a choice, so if she's mad at me it's her own fault.

We're just hanging out topside now. I haven't seen her in a little bit, so I'm sort of glad she decided to show up. Even if it was at a really bad time and a really bad place. I think s

Holy SHIT she is laying on me. What. By choice on me trying to get attention. Oh my god.

I'm so mad that I can't take her home. 

I love this cat. Fuck.

Entry no. 117

I'm so fucked.

I was literally just trying to check the time, which, by the way, it's really late and I should've been home hours ago, but whatever. That's not the point. The point is that April is texting me asking me to come home. April. Of all people. And I just know this about the her reading this journal thing. God. Can I have literally five seconds of peace? For the love of God.

Chapter Text

Entry no. 118

I don’t even want to think about what just happened.

Entry no. 119

Okay. I think I was being just a little bit dramatic last time I was here. Like, I still don’t want to think about it, but it’s not the end of the world or anything like I thought it was. I just fucking hate this whole situation, that’s all. I know I say that a lot, probably way too much, it’s getting annoying at this point, but I’m just saying.

She doesn’t even know that much which is cool, she just knows I’m probably trans, blah blah, gave me Starbucks finally as an apology. Or, part of an apology. You know I wouldn’t let that bitch get away without actually admitting that this whole thing was ridiculous.

It’s just that she decided it was a great idea to go tell Donnie about the whole thing that I was all peeved about last time I was here. Not that Donnie cares. All of them know by now, but what if they didn’t? She didn’t know that they knew and she didn’t need to fucking do that. Like… am I tripping here, or is that not her information to be sharing casually with my brothers whatsoever? Whatever, I don’t care about that right now. We worked stuff out for the most part. But you know what just really ties this whole bullshit parade together in a nice pretty bow? Casey goddamn Jones walking into the room mid conversation about how I’m trying to be a girl, or a boygirl, girlboy, whatever. 

I’m just thanking god that April knows when to shut her mouth because that could have been a whole new kind of disaster. I know I literally never talk about him in here, but Casey is my number one person in my life, ever. I guess I don’t talk about him because I don’t feel like I need to. I already know he’s my favorite person. I don’t need to be telling this dumb book about that. I don’t know. I don’t like getting cheesy and stuff in here even though I slip up sometimes, and I feel like talking about him would just make me all dumb and mushy. Nobody wants to hear that shit from me. I don’t even think he does. Anyways. Yeah. I would sooner take out all of my organs individually than tell him about my gender right now. There’s like a 99.9% chance of him making fun of me brutally for it and I don’t feel like taking that chance yet. 

I’m sort of hoping this whole thing turns out to be a weird phase I’m in but I know that’s probably not true. It’s one of those things where, the more you think about it, the more you realize you’ve literally always been this way, and it’s just something I can never escape about myself no matter how much I want to. I could take myself out of my own skin and I could rewire my entire brain and I know that some things wouldn’t go away, even if I scrubbed everything down with a wire sponge. I’ll always be a dumb angry kid who wants to look like a girl with blood splattered on her face, and I’m always gonna be fucked up beyond helping. That’s just me, no matter what way you try fixing it.

God. I wish I could be one of those cool girls so bad. You know the ones with the loose jeans and the torn tights that can take out annoying pushy dudes in a single swing? Fuck, if I could be like that all of my problems would be solved. It’s sorta like what Donnie’s friends were like. Cool girls with weird nerdy interests and clothes that fit way too big on them and stuff. All the chains and rings and loops and shit too. All of this would be so much easier if I was human. Having a shell is helpful and all usually, but I have never in my life been able to fit right in human clothes. I’ve tried it before. It just doesn’t work unless I get stuff way too many sizes too big. I can’t pull it off like all the other pretty girls do. Everything just gets in the way, I don’t know.

I don’t know if I really want to keep thinking about this anymore. I’m heading out.

- Ruby

Entry no. 120

Training today was the absolute worst thing ever. I don’t even know where to start. 

I’m trying to keep my focus since there’s a lot going on right now, so just pretend I’m not rambling like a lunatic, okay? I know I write like shit when I can’t focus but I don’t care. I just need to get stuff out.

It’s so obvious that Leo’s the favorite. I don’t know if anyone notices, if they even care, or maybe they do and just pretend they don’t because it’s easier to let everything go unsaid. I guess that’s what we do in this family. It’s all we’re good for, we know that. Other than killing aliens. I don’t know why everyone just lets a bunch of emotionally unstable teenagers with a dysfunctional family save the human race, but whatever. Is what it is.

Dad is still nuts, but we know that already. I can’t stand the way he acts with Leo. Like he’s the only one worth anything on this team sometimes. It sucks because it isn’t even his fault. He didn’t ask for this. He asked to be leader, but nobody knew any of this was gonna happen back then. He really didn’t ask for all of this and I know that, and I know it’s not his fault and he’s just doing what he has to. He has to be dad’s perfect little kid for his sake, and for our sake, kinda, and I don’t know. He doesn’t get the shit treatment we do because of it which is good, but hell, I’d like maybe three milliseconds of positive attention. Maybe I’m just a needy stupid little kid. Maybe that doesn’t fucking matter because I’m a kid and I’m supposed to be needy but I’ve never had a real father and I’ve never had a real home, a real life, anything. I was doomed since the day I was born and so was everyone else in this city and everyone knows that. 

I’m so tired. I’ve got to get out of here.

- Ruby

Entry no. 121

This is gonna be a weird entry, but I was thinking tonight, and I’ve never actually tried to sing before. Don’t ask why I’m thinking about that, I don’t know. I know it’s stupid and I know it’s embarrassing, but I didn’t have anything else to do tonight. I needed to blow off steam and nothing else was working. Nobody was around, so it’s not like anyone will know. I was out on the rooftops, so it might have echoed, but it’s not like anyone would know it was me. Everyone I actually know was hanging at the lair. I made sure of that before I left because I didn’t want anyone following me.

It wasn’t the worst experience of my life. I mean, I definitely don’t have the voice of an angel, but anyone would be able to guess that. Me and anything angelic or pretty aren’t super compatible in case you couldn’t tell. But for what it’s worth, it was nice. There’s a really specific word that I know would be the right one to describe it but I can’t remember it. 

Fuck. Let me google something.

Okay. So the word I was looking for was serene. That’s what I was trying to describe it as. So yeah, it was that. Got my blood to boil a little less. Might even try it again if I feel like it, but it took me a while to actually get the guts to do it. I mostly just sat there awkwardly trying to not feel like the entire world could hear me, but once you get past that, it’s pretty cool. I don’t even really know how to describe it, but it was like I was talking to the city. That sounds delusional and super cliche, but I honestly don’t care right now. It was like New York was listening. Not the people in it, but the actual city itself. You know? This place that I grew up in actually heard my voice for once. It was liberating as hell. To actually feel heard, even if I’m being insane about it and I wasn’t even talking to anybody.

It’s late. That’s probably why I’m not making sense. 

Whatever. I don’t even care about making sense anymore. Man, what a night.

- Ruby

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Entry no. 122

You know how a while ago I was talking about how we have to wake up insanely early to do training and stuff? And how waking up is a literal nightmare because my brothers act like crackheads in the morning? Yeah. I was trying to do shit this morning and all of a sudden everyone was up and oh so desperately wanted to hang out with me before training, so in the middle of my whole thing I got the shit scared out of me by Mikey literally SCREAMING for me and pounding on the wall like cps was coming to get us. Five in the morning.

Okay. I have this thing, and I don't know if I'm just crazy or if it's an actual thing other people do, but I get instantly so mad whenever someone decides to walk in on me while I'm doing stuff. It doesn't matter if I'm not even doing anything weird, I just hate it. I guess it's just my shit luck that Mikey of all people has to be one of my siblings. He just sort of walks in most of the time like it's no big deal, and apparently he doesn't learn, because I get mad at him every single time, but he keeps doing it over and over. And listen. I know I should be asking nicely or whatever, but here's the thing. I've tried that already. I've asked him multiple times, actually, but it's like he doesn't even listen to matter what I do. I swear to God that kid literally doesn't listen to anybody except for himself. Maybe dad sometimes.

I get that I'm not supposed to hate him because he's my brother, family is family, all that, but a lot of the time I genuinely just fucking hate him. I'm so serious right now. I cannot stand his crap most of the time.

Entry no. 123

Got cut off again, big surprise. I'm not super pissed off about Mikey anymore though. He's still annoying in general. But I'm not actively mad at him. So that's good, I think.

I want to go out again but I'm supposed to be staying home right now. Leo said so. I guess they're taking issue with me being out so late again, which, again. Not shocked. He says that dad talked to him and told him to talk to me, which is weird, because he could have just come to me, but I guess that saves me dealing with him. I don't know. I have a feeling something might be up but that's none of my business for right now. I really don't feel like dealing with all of that. 

There's not even that much to say, but I'm literally bored out of my mind right now. There's nothing to do and I can't go out on patrol. April and Casey aren't here, Donnie's been cooped up in the lab the entire day, and I don't really feel like talking to Leo or Mikey right now because of a bunch of stuff I probably already mentioned at some point. I've been practicing and stuff like that, but I just get tired of it sometimes. You know what I mean? I can't keep doing the same things over and over for seven hours straight. This is just torture. 

Entry no. 124

April came back thank God 

Entry no. 125

April coming back did not help. End me.

I’m seriously considering just running out of the house without permission. This is so awful. And I guess I kind of want to hang out on the roofs again and get some music out there. I know I’ve already talked about this, but fuck it, I’ll say it again. Last night was literally amazing. I need to be able to do that again. I’m serious. I know it’s dumb but I think that was actually one of the best moments of my entire life.

I don’t really know how to explain it, but you know how I was whining a while ago because I was jealous of all the pretty human girls? I felt pretty up there. I’m not saying that my singing is great, because it’s not, we all know that, but it didn’t need to be. It was kinda scratchy and rough and that's what I liked about it. Pretty girl things that are rough around the edges. It’s literally everything I want to be.

I might have some serious thinking about gender to do again which is not helping everything right now. I don’t know. I like being a guy, but I’m stuck on the whole idea of being a pretty goth girl for some reason. That sounds super dumb when I actually write it down and it annoys me to no end that this is the person I’m turning out to be, but hell, I know this is what I want and I want it so fucking bad. If that makes me annoying and dumb then I’m just gonna have to deal with that. I don’t know what I’ll do about all this. I have no idea how to handle being a girl or anything like that, but I’ll figure it out. Whatever I am, it’s definitely part girl. I know that I’m probably not 100% girl, but it’s definitely there. And I still feel like a guy sometimes, and I don’t know if that’ll ever go away, but I don’t want to look like one. This probably isn’t making any sense but I’m going to be talking in circles trying to explain it better.

I want people to look at me and not know what the hell I am. Not because I’m a mutant, obviously. And I know people already do that. I mean I want them to second guess what to call me.

Fuck it. I’m going back to the roof. Taking the journal with me. If it falls out of my shell again, I’ll deal with it later. I don’t care, I just need to go out and do this again.

- Ruby

Entry no. 126

I cannot deal with one more bullshit thing happening. Dear god. I’m going to murder my whole family.

I’ll be back once I’ve kicked out the rest of Casey’s stupid teeth.

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Entry no. 127

I guess I’m really good at providing no context for the shit that happens to me. I made it sound like something super awful happened. Casey didn’t catch me out or anything. Well, he almost did. That’s not really the point. I was freaking out about that for a while but I honestly have been skipping out on writing for the past few days because of reasons. I’m not explaining why, I don’t have the energy. Actually, that is why. I don’t have the energy. Anyways. Like three sentences in and I’m already off topic, god. 

Casey didn’t catch me out, but I did catch him trying to get his ass beat by the kraang. Had to swoop in and save him. I think he has rats eating his brains out sometimes. The things this guy does to kill his boredom is just insane. Ignoring the fact that most of the time I’m doing that stuff with him. We don’t need to talk about me being stupid right now, this is me making fun of Casey for being stupid time.

But yeah. That’s what happened. He almost got himself killed and whatever. Pretty normal Casey Jones business. I don’t think he heard me out there which is good. He’d probably never let me hear the end of it doing dumbass things like that. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m over the whole… I don’t know, judging myself for being kind of girly thing, but I’m not really over it. I mean, obviously if I can’t tell my literal best friend about this stuff then I’m not over it.

It doesn’t really help that I haven’t really felt right lately anyways. I mentioned this a few times, but that thing where I don’t recognize people but also I do, that’s been going on again. Like, a lot. I guess sometimes it’s like, nevermind recognizing my brothers. Siblings, I guess. I can’t even recognize myself half the time and I can’t tell if it’s because I want to be someone else so bad or if it’s because I’ve been so out of it. Maybe I’m going insane. There’s a really good chance that during some fight I got brain damage or something and the effects are just showing themselves now. That’s possible, right? I’m pretty sure that’s possible.

It’s so crazy. Everything has been mostly alright lately, except for with April, even though we’ve kind of been talking more, maybe getting along more after the whole incident. You know stuff’s going pretty damn okay when I can talk to April without feeling really awkward about it. I can’t tell if I hate her or if I just don’t know how to talk to women sometimes. That sounds stupid but I’m so serious. Think about it for literally five seconds. Speaking to human girls is so far from anything I’ve ever experienced up until I turned fifteen. I’ve been around my brothers, who are turtles by the way, in case you forgot, my whole life. And then there’s her. It’s not super shocking that I don’t know how to talk to her. And maybe I’m just jealous, who knows. She’s sort of like all those badass human girls I’ve been talking about, since that’s been all the rage lately apparently. Don’t know why I’m still stuck on that. Except she isn’t goth. Maybe I should make her become goth just to see how much it would enrage me. 

Holy shit. The idea of April being goth is going to alter my brain chemistry for fucking ever. That’s definitely the best thing I’ve ever written in here. Because hear me out, she could probably rock it. And I don’t mean this in a weird way, but actually? She’d probably look so good in it too. It’s a shame that she’d probably hate it because I will never be able to live my dream through her. 

Only partly related but Leo would also probably rock the goth look. He would never do it which makes the mental image one thousand times better. 

This is what happens when I stop writing for a while. All of my ideas end up being stupid as fuck. This is literally all I have the motivation to do right now though. I don’t want to think about the hard things right now, I just need to chill out for a while. I haven’t really been writing just for me in a long time. Probably not that long of a time, actually. Whatever. The point is that I’ve been using this book as a me updating some not even there audience about my life and it gets so fucking tiring. I sort of forgot I didn’t have to do all that. I never just write because I want to lately. I honestly might start branching off into other stuff just to stop myself from getting stuck like that.

I never really finished that whole thing about the invisible audience. Like way back when I started this thing I was talking about it. It just feels like there’s a bunch of secret people watching me all the time. Feels like everything I do is a performance, blah blah blah. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to do anything for myself. It’s always for some person that doesn’t even exist that I keep trying to impress like they even give a shit. And I’m pretty sure nobody is impressed by me being borderline deranged all of the time. Because that’s all I do. I act like an idiot and basically look back and ask everyone if it looked cool. And it doesn’t because I’m fucking insane. Is this making sense? 

Not that it has to. I don’t even know if I want it to, and that probably sounds like a bunch of nonsense too, but like I said. I’m doing this entry for me. Not the freaky watchers that I’m convinced are always there somehow, not for my brothers. I don’t care about any of that. I just need to care about me right now. I don’t give a fuck if that sounds selfish. I might just be a selfish prick and it doesn’t matter, because that’s what I need to be right now to keep going.

Yeah. I missed this. I’m definitely doing this again.

- Ruby

Entry no. 128

Someone needs to tell me right now why five nights at freddys songs are actually good. Mikey’s music is rubbing off on me in all of the worst ways and I am afraid of the person I am becoming right now. I don’t want to like FNAF music. Somebody save me.

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Entry no. 129

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that Casey didn’t catch me doing anything. He probably heard at least something, even if he doesn’t know it was me. I’m choosing not to think about it right now because frankly, fuck that.

You know what I am thinking about though? Dad still hasn’t spoken to me really in weeks. Like, we haven’t had a real conversation in a while. Probably only so much time until he beats my ass for all the stupid stuff I’ve been doing. I know it’s coming. Obviously my dad doesn’t actually beat me, but you know what I mean. He’s just going to talk to me, but I think everyone knows that the dad talks are kind of brutal. I can’t even count the amount of times he’s basically called me stupid to my face. Which is cool and all, and probably true, because it’s not like it would do me any good denying it, but it’s not really super helpful either. 

Sometimes I think maybe Donnie was right about all this childhood trauma shit.

Entry no. 130

Speaking of childhood trauma. You’ll never guess who wanted to talk to me. My family has such great timing as always.

It wasn’t dad, by the way. Thank god. It was Leo though, which might as well be the same thing.

Called me another time telling me that he’s worried about me, blah blah, which I know probably isn’t even true, and I know dad probably sent him as a little spy to collect information on me. It happens all the time. Sort of why I stopped talking to Leo about anything important a while ago, but that’s a whole other story that I don’t feel like getting into any time soon. Anyways. He claims that he misses me and wants to talk to me about our whole situation, whatever that means, I don’t know. I’m not really super into talking about feelings and stuff, we’ve been over that, I think. I’m not opening up to anyone for any fucking reason. Mikey and Donnie already know way more than they should about me, especially Donnie, by this point, and I don’t want that happening with Leo. If I know him, he’s just going to tell on me to dad about all the “bad” things I’m doing. Leo is cool and stuff. Just not when he’s trying to get me to tell him stuff, which is pretty much all the time.

Entry no. 131

I’m going to scream if people interrupt me while I’m writing one more time. You’d think that since I’m not keeping this thing in the lair anymore it would stop happening, but somehow whenever I’m trying to do things everyone decides I’m the coolest person on the internet and starts spamming me, or trying to call me, whatever. It’s actually so enraging, and it’s worse because I can’t even explain to them that the reason I’m not answering is because I’m writing in a stupid diary.

I give up with this. Honestly. I’m just too fed up to write anything, so I’ll be back later once I’ve stabbed a training dummy a few times.

Entry no. 132

I may have accidentally on purpose destroyed the training dummy and dad is not pleased with me about that. Better the dummy than my brothers though I guess.

Another small mistake I made– I may be keeping the book in my shell again. Felt too naked without it. I thought I was getting used to it, but I guess not. It was too weird and I honestly don't care if something happens again. That's a problem for future me. Whatever happens I'll deal with as it comes.

Entry no. 133

Future me hopes past me dies a horrible death.

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Entry no. 134

My bad thinking I could safely do anything at all ever. Especially with April O’neil around. Nobody else said anything or noticed anything I’m pretty sure, but this asshole notices it sticking out a little, somehow, I have no idea how. And decides that it’s a perfect time to take me into another room and start asking about my gender and shit. 

I wasn’t going to tell her. Not for a long time. Not like this. I’m just so mad. She wasn’t supposed to know any of the stuff that she read and now we’re here and everything is insane. It actually makes me more mad that she was so chill about it, because now I don’t even have a justification for being so pissed off, I just am for literally no reason. Nothing bad happened, I just want something to be angry about. That probably makes me a piece of shit, but whatever. I don’t have the energy to think about that right now.

And she wants to be a part of our kitchen talks, I guess. I don’t know. Apparently Donnie told her we were talking about doing mental health meetings or something or other, and she probably read about it too, and now she’s talking about being a real enforcer for doing that kind of thing, getting super involved and helping us with whatever stuff is in our brains. I mean, she was super stoked that I was even a part of that. Which is fair, I guess, because thinking about it, I don’t really seem like the type to do that sort of thing. She was also asking why Leo wasn’t a part of the whole thing, which was weird to explain. And I’m not saying that she was picking sides or anything, but I sort of got the feeling that she was siding with Leo in the whole situation. Stuff about how we don’t appreciate him enough for what he does, which is probably true, but still. Doesn’t mean he isn’t a little bitch a lot of the time.

So yeah. I’m in deeper shit about being mean to Leo behind his back than I am about being trans. Which sure is something. Like, do you ever get to a point in your life where it feels like shit is just being made up to keep the plot going? That’s my life right now. Stuff just keeps happening. I’m in my “what the fuck is going on” era right now.

I sort of do feel bad about everything in a way though. I talk him down a lot, but Leo is okay. I think I miss when we were closer and I could actually trust him, but it’s not like I hate him completely. It makes me really annoyed, but at some point I have to admit to myself that no matter how much I try to force myself to, I can never actually hate my brothers. Dad, maybe. But not them. Believe me, my life would be so much easier if I actually hated Mikey. That kid would be gone by now. It’s just that he’s my brother and he doesn’t completely suck, and he’s sort of funny sometimes, so he gets to stay. Plus I would be murdered if I tried to get rid of him.

I think I shit on Mikey a lot for what it’s worth. I don’t think it’s his fault that he’s annoying a lot of the time, he’s just super hyperactive and has to get that out somehow. It would be nice if he didn’t get that out by making tons of noise at ungodly hours of the morning, but whatever. I can’t have everything. I do like my brothers. Like, seriously, I really do, and they’re cool and all, I’m just a pessimistic prick about everything and that’s probably why Mikey and me argue so much. He’s nothing like me. He’s like this perfect little angel who just wants to have fun and I’m whatever I am. If this can stay between me and god, I might be a little jealous of him. He can let loose in ways that aren’t super shitty and don’t involve beating the hell out of people. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Writing helps. It helps a lot, believe me. But when he’s mad about something, he just goes out skating, or he makes this amazing art with all these cool colors and shit, and it just makes me so mad. Because I know I’d never be able to do the stuff he does.

It’s the same thing with all of my brothers, actually. I don’t even know why I’m on this team sometimes, because Mikey is insanely talented, and his creativity is so fucking helpful on the field, and Leo is our “fearless leader” and all, and he’s saved my life more time than I even want to count, and Donnie is just… so fucking cool. They’re probably smarter than all of us combined. All of them have their things, and then I’m just there, and I don’t know what role I’m supposed to have. The mentally ill one? Doesn’t have a great ring to it.

I mean, we’re definitely all mentally ill, but whatever. Ignore that for a second.

I don’t know. I don’t even know what else to say, because I’ll start saying the same stuff over and over. I’m just so sick of being the dead weight of the team.

I’ll get over it eventually. It’s fine.

I’ll be back later, we need to go on patrol. I’ve been writing for too long anyways.

- Ruby

Entry no. 135

I think I said a while ago that I wanted to write other stuff in here, but I lied apparently, because every time I try to do anything other than this stuff I get super freaked out. This is absolutely mortifying, but I might just have to ask Mikey for help. I mean, if I wasn’t trying to keep this whole thing a secret, I just might, but I don’t know if it’s worth the double whammy embarrassment of first telling him I have a fucking diary, and then telling them that I’ve suddenly decided to take up art therapy. I’m literally cringing just thinking about it, and knowing that art therapy is basically what this is makes me pretty disappointed with myself, but I guess that’s my life right now. Being disappointed in myself, I mean. And all the weird stuff that;s been happening lately. I’ve already said this last entry, but everything that’s happened in the past few months has been insane. It’s like writing in here has completely turned my life around. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing either, it’s just the truth. You could probably make the argument that this book turned me transgender and you might be right about it. Think about it. I only started thinking about that shit until I started writing. Books are evil and turn your kids transgender. Sounds like the perfect conspiracy theory. I should ask Donnie to post that on every forum they lurk on just to freak people out. It would be fucking hilarious and you know that.

Anyways. I guess writing has made me see a lot of things I wasn’t able to see before, as dumb and corny as that sounds, which is sort of why I wanted to try doing other things. I’ve figured out so much in here, so thinking about what other stuff could do to permanently rewire my brain sounds kinda fun, I’m not gonna lie. The thing is, I have no idea where to start, and the only thing I can think of is asking Mikey, but then I’d have to tell him about this, and that I write at all, and now we’re circling back to same exact thing I said earlier so I’m going to shut up now. But you see the problem, right? Exactly.

I’ll just wait until I get the impulse to carry out a really bad idea and dump it all on him then. That would be perfect. It’s not technically self destructive if I just really don’t want to do it and force myself to do it anyways, right? I don’t think that’s self destructive. Telling my brother about my stupid diary is self care because it’ll be good for my mental health and it’ll heal my inner child and other buzzwords I can’t remember and also don’t know the meanings of. I don’t know. I’m just spouting back all the bullshit Donnie told me I should read. They sent me a few articles last night and I had nothing better to do, so I ended up binging a bunch of psychology papers at two in the morning. Yeah. That's my life now, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, it was all so boring that I think I flatlined a few times trying to get through it, but they told me it was really important, so I don’t know. Maybe I pitied them. It was late. Shut up. I’m not a nerd.

I never know how to end these. Anyways.

- Ruby

Entry no. 136

Waiting for the impulse to do something totally paid off. I’ll update you later, I’m just sort of in the middle of something with Mikey, but I swear on my life I’ll update I’m just sort of excited right now okay bye

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Entry no. 137

I've been putting off writing this but I'm back finally. I probably should give an update as to what the hell happened last time, so I'll do that first, and then I'll get into the other shit that's going on.

Okay. So Mikey's been working on something and he wanted to show me it, I guess I was the only person he's shown it to so far? So that's cool. But he has this sketchbook full of stuff basically, and there's so much stuff in there that I don't think I can even name it all, but he has a bunch of plans for stuff we could use in fights, and he draws ice cream kitty a bunch. He said that he likes to just look at stuff and see if he can draw it, and he wanted me to try it with him. So that's what we were doing.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in literally forever, I was just having a moment I guess. Things have been really hectic with the kraang and everyone at home and I don't even know. I've just been passing out as soon as I get home after patrol because I don't feel like being awake after it.

It's taking an insane amount of energy to write this entry at all but I am doing okay ish. I think. It's hard to tell right now but I don't have the energy to care. I'm just glad that me and Mikey to hang out. 

Anyways. I've been writing some other stuff lately also because it's easier sometimes than writing in here.

Entry no. 138

Maybe I'm just not good at doing anything anymore that isn't listening to my shitty music and pretending I don't exist. I haven't been doing anything else lately and it's all I've ever wanted to do. I'm just tired. I don't know. There's probably something wrong with me but whatever. 

I've been working on a better playlist so I can show Casey later. A bunch of my stuff would be literally humiliating to show him (it's the FNAF songs) but I've been finding other stuff lately that's really good and I kind of want to show him. 

Entry no. 139
I really have not been up to writing in here lately, I guess. Most of my entries get cut off because I don’t feel like finishing them or because I don’t know what else to say and I’m too stuck in my head to want to do anything else with what I have. I don’t know if that made sense, but it made sense to me, so I guess it doesn’t matter, right? Still stuck on the whole invisible audience thing.

I’m going to try to get a whole entry in today and see how it goes, but no promises. This feels like a lot right now so just ignore it if I never finish this.

I haven’t really felt real lately. Can’t recognize my own family, can’t recognize myself, can’t really do much of anything. We finally had one of those meetings Donnie was talking about, April was there because she asked and Donnie is dumb and can’t say no to her, and I didn’t really say much, but I know they could all tell that something was obviously wrong. You know what’s fucked up too? They didn’t ask about it. Just left me alone. It probably isn’t fair that it made me so upset, because I never asked them to check in on me, and I always act like I don’t want them to, but I don’t know. Maybe just once I want someone to ask anyways. But I act like I don’t want them to, and so they never do, and in my head I try to twist into some kind of proof that my family doesn’t love me. 

That’s a little heavy, I know, but shit man. I don’t know if I can do this right now. I haven’t been able to get out of my head for weeks and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ask anyone for help and I’m too lazy to actually help myself with anything, so I’m gonna stay stuck like this for a while. Which is cool I guess.

Actually, I have been writing outside of this thing a little bit, so I can’t really say that I haven’t been doing anything. I made this account somewhere, I’m not saying where because it’s cringe as fuck and it would be embarrassing just to put it in here, but anyways. I’ve been really into my music lately, like really into it, and I actually did show Casey some of the stuff I was talking about. It was Palaye Royale by the way. That’s not the point though. My point is that I made this account where I kind of just post song lyrics. I mean, not lyrics from songs that I listen to, but like, my own lyrics? You know, for writing songs. I’m never going to actually do that but It’s a thing that I’ve been messing around with. I guess it sort of counts as poetry but I don’t really want to call it that.

Mikey helped me set up the whole thing a while ago, so he’s the only one who really knows about it. He follows me on there and every day I think about blocking him so he has no evidence if he decides to snitch. Whatever I guess. There’s some other people on there but I don’t really care about them because I don’t know them and they don’t know me, but apparently they read my stuff too which is neat. Really fucking weird, but neat.

I’m getting to that point again where i have no idea what to say again which is depressing because this is the first time in forever that I’ve actually liked writing in here. I was hoping this would be some insanely long entry to make up for lost time or something but I probably shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up for that. I guess that’s it then. I’ll see you whenever god decides I get to next.

- Ruby

Entry no. 140

So Donnie wasn’t going to tell me that one of their friends listens to My Chem too? Okay. I just had to figure that out myself? Unfair. What a bitch. Everyone go tell Donnie what a bitch they are.

Entry no. 141

I just realized I misgendered Donnie the entire day today I’m going to throw myself off of a roof

Entry no. 142

To start this off this is a joke. But I have decided that I no longer support Donnie being nonbinary because I tried to apologize for misgendering them and they used it as an opportunity to ask about my pronouns which I found very offensive because I don’t know shit about that and I am too afraid to speak about it. Accidentally said I wanted to be a goth girl. I will now die. Shit shit fuck. Stupid. Fucking idiot.

I know that everyone already knows but I have them thinking that I’m not actually trans, I’m just goofing off with pronouns because I feel like it. I told them I still felt like a guy, and now I don’t even know anymore and I don’t want that to get out.

Well. Love this. Yay.

- Ruby

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Entry no. 143

I’m so done with tonight. You ever have nights that just suck and you’re really tired for no reason? Yeah. I know I keep saying stuff like this and I know that’s been pretty much every night for me lately but I really don’t care. It’s all I can think to write about and all I want to do right now is write stuff.

Tonight I’m choosing to be sad about the fact that my family is so fucked up and I’m never going to experience anything like a normal life. Again. I guess I do this a lot. Me and April were talking about it a while ago and I don’t even think she realized how much it sucks for us down here. Everything is a mess, our house is gross because it’s a literal sewer, we’re never going to be able to go outside without causing mass hysteria or something. I really don’t think that anyone gets it except for my brothers. And Donnie. I know Donnie wants to go outside and hang out with people really badly. Probably way more than the rest of us. I mean, it’s not like they don’t already have human friends on the surface, but those guys are different. They’re doing okay, by the way. Haven’t seen them since that one night but I’m way too freaked out to talk to them again. They’re probably too cool for me. Still don’t get how that blockhead ended up with such cool friends, but whatever. They can have that, I guess. And it’s not like I’m jealous, because I have human friends. April and Casey count. 

I’m already so off topic, so I’m just going to restart this whole thing.

I cannot stand being here and being a part of this stupid ass family. I hate being stuck here. I hate how my only friends are my siblings that I barely get along with as is. I hate that there’s literally no way to fix any of this. I’m going to be a mutant freak forever and absolutely nothing will change that. Not to mention the fact that apparently being a mutant wasn’t enough for me either. I just had to be trans too, right? And the whole… whatever issues I have in my head, it’s just too much. I have too much stuff going on and I can’t handle it.

I would be out tonight if it wasn’t freezing. It’s going to be winter soon and I’m not okay with it. I can’t even express how much I fucking hate the cold. I’d wear a jacket or something, but surprise! I don’t own one, because they don’t sell clothes for mutant turtles. Super great. Sometimes if you get stuff in a super big size you can make it work but it’s mostly just not worth the effort unless it’s something really cool. Plus I don’t even know where I’d get clothes that aren’t from dumpsters. Like, I’ve been dumpster diving for stuff before, because there’s not a lot of great ways to get stuff when people can’t know you exist. Mikey’s gone to get food out of dumpsters before when we don’t have pizza or stuff from April and Casey. They actually throw out a bunch of perfectly good stuff. We’ve found stuff still in the package before, so it’s not like it’s contaminated or anything. Not that we really care. Again, live in a sewer. What the hell does it matter if our food has touched trash if we’re just gonna bring it down under and infect it with sewer air? I don’t know. I gave up on trying to keep food good a long time ago. We have a fridge and that keeps it okay enough. I really don’t care.

Entry no. 144

Got cut off last time, but whatever. Had to do some kraang stuff and nobody died, so that's good I guess. Would have been better if we were actually winning that fight but they mopped the floor with us, so dad's probably gonna be on our case about it and telling us we need to train more or something. Honestly, it's probably true. I feel like I've been off my game. Maybe I'm going a little bit soft. Yikes.

I've actually been thinking about that. Whenever I think about whoever I was when I first started writing this it feels so weird because it sort of feels like I'm not even the same person anymore. I have no idea if that's a good thing or not, but it freaks me out, so I'm going to say it's probably not a good thing. I've never really thought about how much has changed since the first entry in here or whatever, but holy shit, so much has changed. It's sort of a cool way to keep track of what's going on in my life, actually.

But I've been opening up, kinda, to people. About stuff. My brothers know I'm trans and Donnie knows I'm fucked in the head and Mikey knows I've been writing for a while, and there was a point where I never thought any of that would happen. I never thought I'd even get into writing, nevermind telling people it's something I'm into, especially not my brothers. But it gets kind of boring trying to keep absolutely everything about me a secret from everyone I know, you know? Like, I can't even trust my best friend to know that I write cringey diary entries and that's kind of sad. I haven't been lying to people really, but it's not like I've been telling them anything either. My family knows nothing about me and it's sorta my own fault. Fuck. That's probably why they don't like me too. All they know is that I have issues and they never know what my problem is. I probably just look like a massive asshole. 

I really go around expecting people to somehow just understand that I'm fucked up and don't know what to do about it and then get mad when they don't. No wonder people think I'm fucking annoying. 

Yeah. That's enough thinking about my life for today because I don't like where this is heading. I'm gonna dip.

- Ruby 

Entry no. 145

If Donnie asks me about my gender or my mental health or both one more time I'm going to squeeze their head like a raisin until it explodes. 

I don't know anything and I don't want to know anything. Oh my god. I just want to chill out for a few minutes.

I'm totally fine with them being supportive and stuff but sometimes they just get on my nerves, you know? They won't stop nagging me about it and I think they're just asking because they're excited that one of their brothers is trans like they are. Which is cool and it would be kinda cute if it wasn't me this was happening to. I just want to take a really long nap or something. Actually, I want to do anything that isn't thinking about my gender right now. Or the fact that I'm probably mentally ill, because they keep asking about that too. It never ends.

Actually, you know what? Now that I think of it, literally everyone has been bugging me today. Because Leo and Mikey keep trying to talk to me too. Literal nightmare.

Whatever. Hopefully I'll get a chance to knock their heads straight in the dojo tonight.

- Ruby

Entry no. 146

I hate my life oh my god.

Entry no. 147

They were all harassing me because they were trying to organize a family meeting. This is a nightmare. My life is a nightmare.

Don't want to talk about it right now. Just going to sleep. Hopefully this doesn't fucking haunt my dreams.

- Ruby

Chapter Text

alright so as much as I've loved this project, and loved you guys (and I really did, I'm so sorry for leaving you all hanging!) I'm not entirely sure writing this is good for my gerbil brain anymore.

I wrote this fic while I was in an incredibly dark place mentally, where everything in my life was literally falling apart, and I needed something to express that more than anything. Ruby was my muse, and kind of... was me. She represented a lot of things in my life, a lot of the feelings I felt-- none of those things were really good things.

Plus i just really didn't know where the story was going to go. I didn't expect this to gain traction and I really thought it could just stay what it was-- a plotless look into her inner workings, even if it was kinda based on my life and how I felt, but I got way too ambitious and now I really don't even know where the story is going! 

But basically, i don't know if i'll return to this project, as it reminds me just a little too much of what i was going through when i started it all. it genuinely really sucks to return to those feelings and channel them again.

now, there's ways i'd like to continue this story, but it would probably require a full revamp and a lot of time and some healing on my end. if you've been here, if you love this project, then really i'm just asking that you please be patient while i sort out what i wanna do.\

and sorry for tricking you with the update... i know how it feels lol </3

i love you guys, and no matter WHAT happens to the rest of this story, i am so insanely grateful that so many people were able to feel seen by it. you're not alone. and i love you again and again. <3