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She’s so pretty, it hurts.
Every time I see Ryo-senpai, it makes my heart jump out of my chest, and I can’t stand it. Time stops for me, and I suddenly lose track of whatever else’s going on in my mind. It’s not like I can get her out of my mind when I’m home alone, either, but every time I run into her, I feel like I fall in love with her all over again. She’s just so handsome without even trying, and I dream so much about her just scooping me up and taking me off to wherever she pleases… I wouldn’t mind if we just got lost together, either!
Whenever I catch her gazing off into the distance, it makes me want to think: “what’s she thinking about?” She always seems like she has so much on her mind, but for me, all I can find myself thinking about is her, and every time she glances over at me and our eyes meet for even a split-second, my chest douses itself in gasoline and lights itself on fire.
Of course, we’ve been spending so much time together since I joined Kessoku Band, and Gotoh-san’s been teaching me guitar. Our performances have been great, but as a vocalist, it feels like all eyes are on me, y’know? And, while I’m singing, I’m supposed to be looking back at the crowd. But, sometimes - or, well, all the time, to be honest… I want to just turn my neck to the side and stare at Ryo-senpai, and watch her work her magic.
She’s always in her own little world, though. She looks down at her bass all the time as she plays, and I can’t really blame her - I’m transfixed on her, too. Every time she plucks those strings, I feel like she’s plucking at my heart, and I don’t know if that thump-thump I hear is coming from her amplifier or from my own chest. She’s like a professional, y’know.
Me, though… I’m just a novice, really. Gotoh-san is such a kind friend to me for helping me learn even though I’m so clueless! All of these chords hurt my hands, and I’m still not really used to doing… I forget what it was called, to be honest! Bar chords? Those things! I try to keep to the rhythm by listening closely to every single one of Ryo-senpai’s perfectly-timed notes, but my hands just can’t keep up to the music I hear in my ears and feel in my heart, and it’s frustrating.
But maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough, and practice so hard every day, she’ll look back at me when she plays, too.
I’ve been watching Bocchi lately.
She’s kind of funny, you know. It’s like watching a cat. Sometimes, she’ll do something really impressive, like when she sight-read that mixed meter track I wrote the other day. Other times, she’ll trip on herself, and just roll around on the floor, belly-up. Metaphorically or otherwise.
I can tell she really tries a lot. She joined Kessoku Band, and has been doing her best ever since. Sometimes that best isn’t very good. Some days, she’s worse off than others. But, on those other days, she really surprises me with how far she can go.
She always gives her 100%, even if sometimes, that 100% isn’t actually very much. But, no matter what, she always gives everything she’s got to give, without an ounce more to spare. It’s admirable.
It’s cute.
She reacts very strongly to everything. She hears a single word of praise, and mumbles a hundred words back in gratitude. She melts away at the smallest touch, too. It’s fun to tickle her chin and give her head rubs.
I wonder what the inside of her mouth tastes like.
Ack. It feels like my heart is trying to escape the bars of its rib cage prison and jump out of my mouth. My dry, dry mouth.
I still don’t get why Kita-san is so nice to me. Well, I mean, she’s nice to everyone, but you’ve gotta be so tired being that outgoing with everyone, right? I figure there’s gotta be exceptions. If not anyone else, then it should probably be me…
I know she wanted to join the band for Ryo-san, but there was the matter of her not knowing how to play guitar, so I ended up being the one to teach her. Now we’re spending a lot of time together. Just the two of us. Alone. In a soundproofed room. Ha. Haha. Ha. Ha.
I kind of want to throw up.
I realized I’ve started to kind of tense up when I’m trying to fret my chords when I’m demonstrating for Kita-san. I start second-guessing every single movement I make, and my shoulders and all the joints in my hands freeze like ice. She always looks at me so intently, with such wonder in her eyes. She must be burning a hole into me with her stare, the way it feels so hot inside of my chest when she’s there.
One part of me wants to ask, “does she secretly hate me?”, but the other part of me genuinely believes that Kita-san is everything she makes herself out to be and more. How kind she is, how sweet she is, the way she holds my hands when she’s talking to me, the way she glows so bright it blinds me… She’s the kind of person that makes me feel like that maybe, just maybe, I’m not so terrible at being a person after all. That my presence is valued, just like everyone else she spends time with. That I’m doing something right.
If that’s the case, then why do I feel so bad?
Well, for all she values me as a friend, I feel like it’s… well… just that. I feel so greedy and selfish for asking more, when before Kessoku Band, I didn’t even have other people in my life at all. Yet, even then, I just keep on getting reminded of how cute she is, how warm she is, how nice and kind she is, and I just feel like I want to forget every single boundary I’ve ever set for myself and just run up to her and hug her and just melt away into her tender skin. Forever. And ever. And ever.
God.
The days I’ve spent so far with Kessoku Band have been the best I’ve ever spent in my life, but when it comes to Kita-san, I feel like she keeps on making me feel dizzy and dizzier. My head spins so much when she’s around, and I feel like I’m addicted, and I keep coming back for more.
Is this what love is supposed to feel like? I don’t know. I wish it would go away. It’s too much hassle for someone like me.
But I can’t let go. My body won’t let me.
She makes me so happy, it hurts.
Uh.
Is it just me, or is everyone else insanely quiet today?