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Donatello Hamato had a soft shell.
This was nothing new, in fact Donnie had come to this conclusion fairly quickly in his first few years of being a mutant turtle. He had always been smart for his age, always found comfort in facts and logic, so it was a no brainer that his shell was undeniably weaker than his brothers.
In truth, it never really bothered him. His battle shell was more of a tactical option, an easy way to store tech and whatever else while also doubling to protect his vulnerable side. Donnie would also consider himself lucky to have a family who never looked down on him for his biological disadvantage. The only time it had really been brought up was Splinter reminding six year old Raph to be a bit gentler when playing, considering his spikes and Donnie’s shell. Yet despite that, they never thought or treated him as weak, so he never thought to do the same.
Though Donnie has had his moments. When the turtles first met April, she asked about Donnie’s shell, why it wasn’t as strong as his brothers. She didn’t mean anything by it, simple curiosity about the four mutant turtles she had befriended, but it had really stuck with him. He knew why his shell was different, it was simply the breed of turtle he was, but why. What if one day his brothers realised how much weaker he was, what if they didn’t want to be his brothers anymore?
That night at dinner, Donnie had burst into tears, begging his brothers not to leave him because of his shell. To his surprise, his outburst had been met with horrified looks from both his brothers and father. The night ended with all four turtles huddled in Raph’s room, where they spent most their time assuring Donnie they would never leave him, no matter what, and making sure he never thought that way again.
And he didn’t, for the most part. Donnie believed his brothers, but occasionally over the years the doubts would sneak in. It was never a big issue, usually they were only small voices in the back of his mind, easily quietened with distractions, whether his brothers or his works.
But tonight was different.
A few nights ago, they had a bad run in with a new mutant. They were a weird dog skeleton thing, with long claws and sharp teeth. The mutant had seemed to be thrilled with his change, using his newfound strength to rob some stores.
The turtles had jumped in and tried to stop them, but the mutant was too fast, too strong. In the midst of battle, Mikey had taken a bad hit, one that instantly gained Donnie’s attention as his youngest brother got up a bit too slowly.
All it took was that one moment of weakness. Donnie had taken his eyes off the battle for one second, and a second too long.
Before he knew it, he had fallen to the ground, his back on fire with pain. The last thing he remembered before darkness took him was his brothers crying out his name.
When he regained consciousness, he was back in the lair, lying on his plastron with bandages around his torso. Leo had been the one to explain what happened.
The mutant had used his claws and ripped straight through Donnie’s battle shell, straight into his soft, real shell. After he had fallen unconscious, his brothers had rushed to his aid, allowing the mutant to escape along with everything they had stolen.
Donnie couldn’t help but feel disheartened. A mission fail, because of him. Not only that, now he had to make a new battle shell, his old one currently torn to shreds. The next few days were a slow process of healing, but Donnie continued to feel worse, his doubts festering into a growing storm.
Which leads to now.
Donatello had his back to the bathroom mirror, craning his neck desperately to see the three slashes that went diagonally down his shell. The middle one, being the largest and deepest had required stitches so Donnie tried his best to be gentle with his movements, not wanting to pop them. In one hand he held a cotton ball coated in antiseptic between a pair of tweezers. Taking a breath to steady himself, he slowly manoeuvred his arm behind his back, watching his refection to see what he was doing. However, try as he may, he couldn’t quite reach all his wounds, and his shoulder and neck began to ache from straining in an awkward position for too long.
Groaning in frustration, Donnie threw the tweezers and cotton ball into the sink, harshly rubbing his hands over his face. He turned to face the mirror, glaring at his reflection. He stared for who knows how long, before hanging his head, unable to continue looking at himself. His hands balled in fists on either side of the sink, surrounded by old bandages and bloodied cotton balls. His shell throbbed a low, dull pain, almost in sync with the steady drip of water from the tap.
He had been trying to clean his wound for what felt like hours. Unsurprisingly he was finding it extremely difficult to do this himself, due to the awkward positioning on his back. He knew he should probably ask Leo, the unofficial medic of the family, for help but he felt like he needed to do this himself.
It was his soft shell and therefore his burden to bear. If he can’t even clean his own wound, what right does he have to stand by his brothers?
Letting out a shaky sigh, Donnie closed his eyes, focusing on the throb of pain.
Logically, Donnie knew if his brothers had been in his position, the mutant’s claws could have possible pierced right through their shells, and in injury like that would have been fatal. He welcomed the wave of nausea that often accompanied that thought. He knew the only reason he was alive right now was thanks to the added layer of his battle shell, which unfortunately was still torn to pieces in his lab (his brothers had banned him working on it till he got better).
Despite knowing all this in his head, his heart ached at the knowledge he lacked the turtles most defining feature, a hard shell. A hard shell that was meant to protect a turtle, something his brothers gained naturally while he had to work for it.
Feeling tears well in his eyes, Donnie clenched his teeth to not let himself cry, the pain in his shell only seemed to increase. Maybe he deserved this, for being weaker. How could he expect to protect his brothers if he couldn’t even protect himself? Maybe his family would be better off-
A knock at the door interrupts his thoughts.
“Uh, Donnie? You ok in there; it’s been a while.” Donnie opened his eyes, thankful his oldest brother didn’t barge in, considering there’s no lock on the door.
“Yeah Raph, I’m fine,” just in case, Donnie shoved the bloodied cotton balls into the bin under the sink.
“Ok well, we’re gonna start the Jupiter Jim marathon soon and Leo’s starting to get impatient.”
Donnie grit his teeth, eyeing the medical supplies he had piled on the counter. “Just start without me, I’ll catch up another time.”
“Oh, um ok.” Noting the hesitance in his brother’s voice, Donnie prayed Raph would just leave it alone.
A few moments passed, and once Donnie was sure his red brother was gone Raph spoke, this time his voice laced with concern.
“Are you sure you’re ok D?”
The purple turtle couldn’t help but inwardly groan. His older brother had the most irritating way of making you want to spill your guts and tell him all your deepest fears and worries. Curse his overprotective big brother sense. What’s more, Donnie was tired, and he was obviously not getting anywhere by himself.
Slowly, Donnie opened the door. It was evident Raph had expected his purple brother to blow him off again, he couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. That surprise quickly shifted to concern as he noticed the genius seemed to be trying to fold in on himself, shoulders hunched, arms folded, and tears in his eyes, though he wouldn’t dare tell Donnie he noticed. As he took in more of the scene, Raph noticed the bandages and medical supplies. Realizing what his brother was trying to do, Raph quickly devised a plan.
“I’ll be right back.”
As his brother left the bathroom, Donnie shifted awkwardly on his feet, not sure what to do while he waited for, whatever Raph was doing. It wasn’t long till Raph came back with their other brothers in tow.
“Alright,” Leo’s laid back smile couldn’t hide the worry in his eyes, “lets get you fixed up.”
Donnie stayed at the sink, turning to face the mirror so his medic brother could access his injuries. Mikey moved past them to sit on the toilet seat next to the sink. Raph stayed in the doorway, considering the bathroom wasn’t that big, his arms crossed as he leaned against the frame, concern heavy on his features.
Leo worked quickly but gently, muttering apologies every time his younger twin flinched. Mikey prattled on about his latest art project, which Donnie appreciated. It gave him something to focus on while Leo used antiseptic to clean the wounds.
However, it wasn’t enough to silence his doubts. And now with his brothers all in one place, he felt he had to say something.
“I’m sorry,” Donnie muttered quietly, slightly hoping he wouldn’t be heard over his baby brother. Unfortunately, Mikey stopped talking, and he could feel Leo hesitate for a second.
“Don’t worry D,” chirped Mikey, smiling at Donnie from the side, “Jupiter Jim is important but he’s not that important.”
“No,” Donnie said, a bit harsher then intended, “no that’s not what I-” He breathed heavy in frustration. He wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure how to say it. He could feel three sets of eyes boring into him, waiting for him to say anything, but he found his words getting stuck in his throat.
Leo, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, finally broke the silence. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Donnie couldn’t help the small wash of relief. He never really had a way with words, especially when it came to expressing his emotions. Emotions were messy and unreliable, often times he didn’t even have a word to put to his emotion, so how could he make someone understand when he himself didn’t understand?
Despite this, Leo always had this way of knowing how he felt without any words, and Donnie would never say it, but he was more then thankful his twin had this ability. Though now he was feeling less thankful, dreading the conversation that was ahead of them.
“That guy got away because of me,” his breathe hitched, though he would blame the antiseptic.
“So what? We just gotta find ‘em and give ‘em a major beat down,” Donnie couldn’t help but sigh, leave it to his biggest brother to smash first, think later.
“But he wouldn’t have gotten away in the first place if it wasn’t for- ow!” Leo, with his ever so perfect timing, applied antiseptic to a particularly sore spot.
“What happened, happened,” Leo said firmly, continuing to clean his twin’s wounds, “maybe it could have gone differently but there’s nothing to be done for it now. It wasn’t your fault Don, none of us think your weak for getting hurt, we are just glad you’re ok. Look, I know none of us like it, but doing what we do, there’s always the risk of someone getting hurt, in fact it’s bound to happen. And that’s not because we are weak or not good enough, it’s just how it is. All we can do is be there for each other when the inevitable happens.”
Raph smiled fondly. Even though his little brother didn’t take to it at first, he was becoming one hell of a leader.
Donnie allowed Leo’s words to sink in, looking to his other brothers. They both smiled at him, holding nothing but love, relief and worry in their eyes, and Donnie suddenly felt like an absolute idiot. His brothers loved him, as much as he loved them. They wont stop loving him because of something so trivial. But he still needed to make sure.
“So you guys don’t see me different because of my shell,” he almost felt silly saying it, but he had to know.
“Of course not!” Leo all but rushed out like it was the most absurd thing he’s ever heard.
“That’s what this is about?” Mikey sat up straight, hands on his hips, “Donnie, I thought we went over this years ago, you’re not less than us cause you were born different.”
“Exactly,” piped Raph, “and you shouldn’t be afraid to come ask for help, cause we’re your brothers, its our job to help.”
Donnie was speechless. How could he have sunken so far, he allowed his doubts to eat him whole only to find out these past few days he had been worrying over nothing.
“Besiiides, I knew you’d pull through, I wasn’t even concerned,” Mikey said, leaning back on the toilet seat.
“Oh yeah?” Leo smirked, finishing up bandaging Donnie’s torso, “so that wasn’t you sobbing on the ground crying ‘don’t die Donnie, you have so much to live for’ even after I told you he was gonna be ok?”
Mikey gasped in betrayal, eyes narrowing to slits, “why you little-”
“Ok guys, cool it,” Raph chuckled nervously, not wanting a brawl to break out in the small bathroom, “now that Donnies all patched up, we can get started on that Jupiter Jim movie marathon!”
Mikey’s eyes lit up, instantly forgetting his grudge. He stood quickly, grabbing Donnies wrist on the way out and carefully dragging him to the lounge, Leo and Raph not far behind. The whole way Mikey rambled on about the movies as if they hadn’t watched them ten times over already, yet Donnie was still too stunned to do anything but listen.
Once they all settled down in the lounge, Donnie looked to his brothers around him, Leo catching his eye and smiling, to which Donnie couldn’t help but return it. He knew his doubts would come back, that eventually he would once again find himself drowning in a pool of insecurities. But now, he knew his brothers will be there for him whenever he needed, all he had to do was ask.
Yeah, he’s pretty lucky.