Work Text:
Clarke,
I actually don't know how to start this. O thought it would be a good idea for me to right what I was feeling in a letter, so I am. I know that you're probably never going to read this letter, but I guess writing is a better coping mechanism than what I have been doing these past few months.
Well here I go then:
Why the hell did you leave!? I know you couldn't deal with what you did, but you're forgetting that you weren't the only one who pulled that lever. You said that you bear it so they don't have to, so why didn't you bear it here, with me? Yes maybe I'm being selfish, but what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to tell you that I'm perfectly happy that you abandoned our people? Am I supposed to congratulate you for leaving them? For leaving me?
I knew I couldn't stop you from leaving which is why I let you go, but trust me I didn't want to.Though I knew I had to be the leader that you couldn't be, I didn't want to do it alone. I never wanted to do this alone Clarke.
We were a team Clarke! We have always been a team! We were supposed to go through this together like we always have. We would have got through it TOGETHER! But instead you ran away, leaving me to do what you couldn't do, which is be a leader.
For months, whenever you popped into my mind, I would feel completely enraged. I would feel so much anger that my stomach would twist uncomfortably, and I couldn't get rid of the feeling, because all I could think about is how you abandoned us. You didn't care about what would happen if something happened to any of us while you were gone. You didn't care how your absence would affect our people, your friend, your family- because Clarke you are no longer just a friend to Octavia, Raven, Monty, Jasper, and I. You are family to us.
Clarke I would protect you with my life, you are the only person I care about the most, other than O, but that doesn't change the fact that you thought about yourself before others. Yes, we deserve to have that privilege, but as leaders we aren't aloud to do that. We have people counting on us, and we are not aloud to think of ourselves before others.
The worst part of all of this, is that I can't just be angry at you. I can't just move on, and forget about you, because I miss you. I miss you, more than I should Clarke. I miss the way you would have my back, I miss the way I would always have your's. I miss our talks, I miss the way you would look at me when I annoyed you, I miss how you would scoff at ridiculous ideas, I miss how you weren't afraid to contradict anyone(me included). I miss making you laugh and smile, even when everything was going terribly. I miss how you would get worried about me. I miss how your eyes seemed to changed in color, almost every time I saw you. I miss your kindness, I miss how loving you were to The 100(which are now down to 42). Clarke I miss everything about you.
I won't lie and say, I am not still a slight bit dissapointed in you, but Clarke I miss you so much. All I want to do is see you again, and take you in my arms to know that you are actually with me. So please come home Princess. Come home to me.