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In Arlecchino’s mind, Columbina was always laughing, dancing, and looking at them as if they were the most important thing to ever live. Her hands would always end up in theirs, holding them softly, as if they were made of glass. Her hands would cup their face, “darling,” she’d say before kissing them and in those moments, the whole world could collapse; they could draw their last breath and it would not matter, all that mattered was that Columbina’s love was theirs.
Arlecchino did not treat her like she was fragile. They held onto her so tightly a part of them believed their fingers would bleed. They held their breath when she was close, shook when she was away. They felt like a glutton. She would give them all that they desired and, almost as if they were ashamed, they would only feast when she looked away.
When she looked at them, they did not allow her to see the insatiable being that they were. She saw the person that graciously took what she gave and gave back what they could. The person who held her hand as she dismounted a horse or a carriage. The person who brought her tea and cake on the days she had lots of work to do so she didn’t lose her temper at an unfortunate minister.
Columbina saw the charming, handsome, lovely side of them. It was the part of them that she adored, the part that was human and gentle, it was the reason why she treated them like they were made of glass. Like if she pushed too hard or was too cruel they’d break. She did not see the monster that slept in Arlecchino’s skin. She did not see the way it clawed at her when she slept in their arms, hungry and terrified. She did not see Arlecchino’s spirit weep when she did not give them their affection.
An emptiness settled within them when she was away. The beast that slept under their skin, the beast that wanted to feast on what Columbina gave them would claw at their chest until they bled. It would gnaw until they were on their knees, pleading for a moment of peace. So, Arlecchino began hiding away parts of Columbina’s affection when the beast could not hold onto her. They snacked on it when she was away. They held it in their hands, felt its warmth, smelled it and felt her. They bit off parts of it, slowly chewed and their beast eased its grip on her.
They held onto pieces of her. Her clothes, perfume and jewelry. They’d wear them and keep her close when she was away. She had made them a glutton. Unable to stop taking what she gave freely and when she was not there to give it, it was as if they had no purpose.
Columbina did not know this. She did not know what kind of lover they truly were when she looked at them and smiled. She did not know that they were selfish and would take everything she could give until there was nothing left. They were starving and if one day there was nothing left of Columbina, nothing she could give them; they would lay next to what remained of her and take their last breath.
When Arlecchino looked up at her, Columbina did not see anything more than the charming person who managed to waltz into her life and upheave it. She did not see anything more than the person who took away any peace she could’ve had in life. Columbina’s prince, her lover, the person who would undoubtedly one day be responsible for the worst things she would ever feel. She knew how insatiable they were, how hopeless and how ashamed they were of their need for love.
She ran her hand through their hair and asked them about their day. She watched them settle comfortably underneath her chin, close their eyes and tell her they’d spoken to a few ministers to get some work off her plate. She’d kiss the top of their head and thank them. She watched them smile, take all they could from that gesture and kisses them again.
Arlecchino did not know that Columbina saw the beast that held onto her as if she was its only source of nourishment. They did not know that Columbina gave all that she did because she loved watching them take her love. Arlecchino could see her covered in blood, surrounded by death, and would welcome her home with open arms unphased by the suffering that she brought with her. They worried they were a beast that needed too much when they were only a starving human.
It was Columbina that was the beast that had built a home where she did not belong but, her lover was too gentle to see that. Death was a friend to them, a long-time companion that has not come to collect their soul yet. They did not realize that the closest they had ever been to death was in her arms. She listened to them lightly snore as she read documents she had to sign in the morning. She looked at Arlecchino, they were so beautiful it disturbed what little serenity existed in her.
Arlecchino did not know how many times Columbina wished she did not find comfort in their arms. They did not know how many times she wished that one day she would not feel at peace when they were around. Columbina was a raging storm before them. They do not know how much they’ve calmed her. In the years before Arlecchino, the Sneznayan ministers that worked closely with her would be replaced every three months. Their bodies would never be shown to the families. They’d demand too much of her or suggest that she was not doing enough and they’d end up mutilated. Their face unrecognizable and their heads on the flagpole inside Columbina’s office.
Although she would never admit it, Columbina was easily overwhelmed. Sneznaya was preparing for war and as the years went by, the preparations felt impossible. Everything had to be in order every moment of every day and it took the slightest criticism to end up on her flagpole. The first time Arlecchino offered to help her with anything was months after their first mission together. They’d been coworkers for decades but their work never overlapped. Columbina thought of that day whenever she felt herself fall apart because of them. They would give their attention to someone else, be close to them or be gentle with them and a part of her would be full of fear.
A part of her wished that she never said yes. She wished Arlecchino did not get along with the general and did not make her life easier. She wished that they weren’t terrifying, that every soldier that didn’t follow their command didn’t almost cry when receiving verbal lashings from them. She wished they didn't whip the worst portion of her 3rd battalion in shape in six weeks. She wished that a part of her didn't come to admire how ruthless they were. She wished they didn’t make her laugh.
Columbina was no longer a raging storm and she wanted to resent them for it but she couldn’t. Instead, she lay in bed with them, reading documents that they picked up for her before coming home. She kissed their head while they slept on her chest and wondered how much less fear there would be in her heart if they were never kind to her and if she never took advantage of that kindness.
When Arlecchino was by her side, she had a partner, someone who truly cared for her well-being. If Columbina was being honest with herself, she didn’t want to know what her days would’ve looked like if she had not taken advantage of Arlecchino’s kindness. Realistically she probably would’ve been stationed far away from Sneznaya after killing her 100th minister. She would have kept her peace and wouldn’t have ever experienced the fear of losing love but, having it was much more gratifying than not.
Columbina built a home in Arlecchino’s arms; one where she could come back to bloodstained and say, “Darling,” with a smile without scaring her lover away. She could cup their face and ask, “Did you think of me?” with a smile that terrified most and Arlecchino would respond earnestly and say, “Too much.” She could kiss their cheek and dirty their skin with the blood of stranger who’s face she could not remember and know that Arlecchino would not pull away.
They’d ask, “Have you eaten today? I know you’ve been busy.”
They’d wrap their arms around her, warm her up and say, “I made dinner, take a bath and we’ll eat together.”
In those moments, Columbina was more terrified than she’d ever been and yet, they were her happiest. Columbina did not think Arlecchino was a monster, she knew they were her gentle beast and their violence was the reason they were able to love her. She was grateful for the beast. Indebted to it.