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Ash is tired.
Not the kind of tired where you can take a nice nap and you’ll feel well rested. Not the kind of tiredness that makes you irritable, where you can simply drink some coffee and the world seems to wake up with you.
This was the kind of tiredness, the kind of exhaustion, that sat deep in his bones. His shoulders felt heavy and worn, like he was carrying a heavy bag around all day. A dull constant pain sat in between his eyes, a sort of ache that couldn’t be rubbed away or doused in pain medication. A couple minutes wouldn’t go by where he wasn’t stretching out his neck, twisting it this way and that way in an attempt to undo the knots that made it hard to keep his head up. The kind of tiredness that made it hard to think, a constant fog that sat in his mind and made it difficult to focus. The kind of tiredness where all he could do was give half-ass smiles to those around him rather than actual words, as his own voice would betray him. The kind of tiredness that never seemed to go away no matter what he did, no matter how many hours of sleep he got, no matter how much caffeine he consumed. It just wouldn’t go away.
Ash is tired.
When he took up his champion position in Alola, he never thought it would be a lonely position. At first, it didn’t seem like it would turn out that way. Following the Team Rainbow Rocket disaster that jump started his career in a way he didn’t necessarily want, and the long subsequent recovery, he entered the job with celebration and well wishes. A large celebratory party on the beach with all of his Alolan friends, and even some others who came down to visit and congratulate him. There was a grand ceremony at the Manalo Stadium, one that was broadcasted across the globe to all of the other regions. Everyone knew his face, knew his name, and what he stood for. So many reached out to him with support and love, and he embraced it full-heartedly. The first year was easy-going, it was fantastic. He would go and visit each island and talk to the residents, and establish a proper league system with help from the Kahunas.
The peace didn’t last all that long, in fact, it only lasted a year. Ultra Beast attacks started becoming more common, opening up at random hours of the day. Still a member of the Ultra Guardians, Ash was constantly on the run to chase after the Ultra Beasts and send them home. However, as the rest of the guardians got older with him, they also started getting new responsibilities and goals. One by one, they started to leave for greater horizons. And Ash was glad, he was so happy for them. Lillie and Sophocles were traveling off to Kalos to get a higher education, Lana was away for months at a time on long fishing excursions, Mallow was expanding her family’s restaurant out onto the mainland, Kiawe was training rigorously with Olivia as her apprentice, and Gladion was off on his own journey, exploring the Galar region with his partners and constantly training to get even stronger. This left Ash to go out on many of these missions alone, and while he was more than capable of doing so, after three in one day it starts to get exhausting.
Then came the poacher reports.
Cruel, evil people were coming to the islands and taking any rare Pokemon they could find. Ninetails and Vulpix from Mount Lanakila, whole flocks of Oricorio and herds of Passimian. At first, they were quiet about it. They would conduct their missions quickly and quietly, going unnoticed by practically everyone. Then they started to become more bold: taking ride Pokemon from the villages, or going into the various reserves across the islands and taking their residents. It was too much for Ash, Nanu, and the Jennys to handle on their own. He resorted to calling up the rangers back on the mainland, asking for help in establishing a branch in Alola in order to protect it. Setting it up was simple enough – Ash had enough rangers (both working and retired) that liked him enough to vouch for his trustworthiness. The main base was established on Mele-Mele, and Ash was provided with a second in command: a rookie from Unova, but a promising prodigy.
They didn’t get along.
Ash thought that he could make friends with the prodigy (who’s name was Andrew). He was excited to help him get settled on the island and to get him familiar with the residents. Unfortunately, it seemed the two of them were coming from two completely different directions, and they had to try and work together constantly. It always ended in a battle, a heated bickering between the two young men. Ash would always try to be the bigger man, try to keep his cool and help them come to a compromise, to an agreement. However, that rarely seemed to happen, as Andrew would storm off and they would have to split missions. Of course, this did not go unnoticed by the rangers. It seemed they were being assigned more and more group missions, having to disappear for days at a time, stuck with each other. It was team bonding, a way to get them to work together. But no matter what Ash tried to do, he couldn’t seem to get through to Andrew.
Ash is tired.
He spends a lot of his free time alone nowadays. Sometimes he would call Goh, sit back and listen to his partner ramble about the recent research he worked on for a paper, or let him air his frustrations with college life in general. He was busy, also all the way out in Kalos, intently focused on getting his official professor’s license and college degree. It meant a lot to him. While, sure, his main goal was to catch every Pokemon out there, Goh had sat down with him one day and vented how he felt like he needed another aspiration to reach for, another goal that can be his stepping stone towards success. Project Mew didn’t go as great as he would’ve hoped (in fact, Ash was glad Goh got out of it when he did – looking back at it, the project as a whole was incredibly suspicious and worrisome). Advancing his schooling and getting his license just seemed like the most logical step, and Ash thought it was perfect for him. However, that meant that Goh had to leave, move away to another region in order to study. This wasn’t something Ash wasn’t used to, it is just the path of life. Their paths towards their goals diverged at that point, and that was okay. It wouldn’t be the first time, and Ash wouldn’t let this stop him from supporting his partner no matter how far away he went. One day, they’ll get to be together again, and not just for a day visit or a simple phone call.
Ash is tired.
He wishes he could just go to Professor Kukui and talk to him. Confess how he feels so exhausted looking over the region, keeping it safe day after day. He is exhausted from all of the ranger missions he goes on now, from all of the Ultra Guardian calls. Paperwork from the league never seemed to slow down, and Ash made sure that every island was being watched and cared for, checking in with the kahunas every single week. He was a young champion, a new champion, and he didn’t want that to reflect negatively on Alola. The region is beautiful and wonderful, filled with an aura that just seemed to put everyone at ease. People and Pokemon truly lived in harmony, working and living together. The region’s traditions are deep and special, rooted in the history of the Tapus and other legendaries that protect the islands. The mainlanders just wouldn’t see all of that beauty if all they were paying attention to was the young champion making a fool of himself, putting the region at risk or letting disaster occur day after day. The region deserves better than that, better than him.
It constantly felt like the world was on his shoulders. And sometimes it was. Ash felt as if Arceus was playing with him, moving him around like a chess piece, jumping from square to square. Whenever he did leave the region, one of three things would happen. One: he was traveling for an exhibition match and was going to be battling and dealing with the media all day. Two: he was visiting his friends once in a blue moon, or even giving Goh a surprise visit to cheer him up after a bad week. Three: he was sent off to a region for ‘ranger’ work, but would instead be faced with yet another legendary disaster that he would have to fix. Sometimes he would die, and sometimes he would not. At this point he has lost count of the amount of times he visited Arceus directly in the Hall of Origins, everything seemed to mix together at this point. He definitely has gone into the double digits by now, if he was to guess.
Its not like he wanted to. It was more like he felt like he had to. It was his duty to protect, it was his job to jump into action and help whatever human or Pokemon that was in danger. It didn’t matter if it put himself at risk, that was just the collateral damage. That can be fixed, and it has been. Multiple times, in fact. Ash didn’t feel any fear whenever he would place himself in front of a Hyperbeam or Fire Blast, but instead he felt comfort knowing he could protect his Pokemon and whoever he happened to be traveling with by placing a simple aura barrier between him and them.
Some would say that he considers himself as being expendable. Something to toss away and easily replace. And to be quite honest, Ash wouldn’t be quick to correct them. He would stand still and bite his lip, looking off into the distance as he replayed the words in his head. He’d laugh to himself, almost as if he agreed, but then would turn and look directly at them and say that no, he wasn’t expendable. That’s just his job.
Ash is tired.
Pikachu knows this. He is by that boy every single day, perched up on his shoulder or the top of his head. He sees everything, he knows everything. He and Ash are two parts of the same soul, they share their life force together. Pikachu can feel how tired his trainer is, both mentally and physically. It was a gradual process, one that the small yellow mouse didn’t notice until the two were visiting Pallet Town one day and were looking through old photos Delia had lying around. Ash’s eyes used to be so bright, they would shine in awe at anything and everything. His spirit would fire up in battle, the thrill of the sport getting them both excited. He used to move with purpose, always having a goal, constantly moving forward towards the next big thing. Of course, there were those moments where Ash would quiet down, and it seemed as if he was far far away. In times of disaster or loss, his trainer would get this distant look in his eyes, his jaw clenched and body tense and still. He would rarely speak, only doing so whenever necessary. It was as if he had raised up walls around himself, not even letting people like Brock to the other side. These moments were rare, and usually only appeared in times of crisis. Pikachu paid this no mind as he would often get the same way, becoming a mirror of his trainer as the two stepped forward to face off against yet another crazed team leader or raging legendary. However, it seemed like Ash was falling more and more into this state, becoming quiet and closed off as he did his paperwork or stepped out for missions.
He has tried to talk to his trainer about this, airing his concerns on more than one occasion. To no one’s surprise, Ash would wave everything off, claiming he was okay and that Pikachu shouldn’t worry about him. Everything is fine, I was just feeling off after a rough night's sleep, he would say. After asking Ash again and again and again, Pikachu decided to let Ash assume that he believed him. It was becoming more and more evident that things weren’t alright, that his trainer was just drifting through the days, throwing himself into his work with no sense of self preservation. Pikachu would try to guide him away from more self destructive tendencies, instead letting the rest of their team take the brunt of the force (as they were more likely to survive and come out relatively unharmed), or encourage him to take a day off or two now and then to go exploring or have a malasada picnic. The two shared one soul, one heart, and watching his partner fall into this tired and quiet shell hurt Pikachu in his very core.
It didn’t help that these things were becoming harder to hide. Against Pikachu’s judgment, Ash was also aura training with Lucario. The two would spend most morning quietly meditating, soaking in Alola’s energy and becoming one with it. They would also spend some of Ash’s free time sparing and working on other abilities, such as Aura Sphere and protective shields. Training in aura was important, it provided Ash with another source of protection and attack power if it was needed. He could more easily connect with his Pokemon, even communicate with them – this made soothing any rampaging Pokemon even easier, as he could directly speak to them and soothe their aura with a simple touch. It does nothing but good things for Ash, but Pikachu just saw it as even more trouble. Ever since the day Ash accidentally formed a barrier between the two of them, and subsequently got seriously hurt, Pikachu has resented the aura training. Since Ash has been using his aura reserves more frequently, there wasn’t a lot left over to heal him. In the past, he could get hurt and recover fairly quickly, no scars left behind. Nowadays, Pikachu would find Ash sitting in the bathroom haphazardly patching week-old wounds with wraps and bandages. Scars started to form, some small and easy to hide, and some large and in your face. Or, quite literally, on your face. He knows that Ash tries to ignore them, wearing longer sleeves and pants and gloves, avoiding mirrors whenever he can. Pikachu knows, he watches. But he can’t do anything about it.
Ash is tired.
Each day felt the same. Each day felt never ending, everything blurring together into one large mush. Some days it was hard to speak, and some days he wanted nothing but to ramble and chat and untie the knot in his chest.
The pain, the nightmares, they never seem to go away. They probably never will. And Ash was okay with that. Besides, even if he tries to make it all disappear, he would be brought back regardless. It was easier to just run in with no hesitation and take everything as it comes.
Ash is tired, and probably will be for a long time. And he’s at peace with that.