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Warm.
That was what Hailey felt when she woke up in the mornings with the presence of her partner's body wrapped around her own.
Comfortable.
That was what she felt when she got home late from paperwork and a plate of food was left on the counter with a note saying to warm it up and she could hear the soft sound of breathing coming from her bedroom.
Safe.
That is how Jay made her feel. Whether it was at work and he would naturally position his body slightly in front of hers or in the walls of either of their apartments with a beer or a whiskey with a game on the TV.
Lonely.
That’s how she felt on the nights they spent apart. When she would go home to an empty apartment and crawl into a cold bed and fail to get any sleep.
It was because of all of these that Hailey had made the decision. She was going to ask Jay to move in with her.
She was nervous. She didn’t know why. Jay loved her. She loved him. They spent almost every night at each other's apartments, usually hers because her bed was far comfier which they both appreciated. It was the next logical step in their relationship, but still she was nervous.
Although she had been the one to initiate the first move that night and tell him how she felt, when he had made the next move and told her he loved her, she had freaked out. She had expected him to walk out of the door at that and never come back. But he had stayed. He had listened to her trying to explain her feelings and had held her when she cried. He was a good man. And he loved her.
‘Chinese or Thai’ Jay called from the kitchen.
‘Hailey?’ he asked when he got no reply. She was sitting on the couch, her back to him staring at the blank screen. She hadn’t said a word since they had entered her apartment 20 minutes ago and he was starting to worry. It wasn’t unlike Hailey to shut down after a particular case, usually one involving kids and awful home-life situations, however today they had been in the bull pen doing paperwork all day. ‘Hails?’ he repeated, slightly louder this time.
She jumped slightly as his voice broke through her thoughts. ‘Hmm?’ she responded, turning around and resting her arm over the back of the couch so she could look at him.
‘Dinner. Chinese or Thai? Or we could go out?’ Jay asked, showing her the takeout menus in his hands and flashing her a smile.
‘You pick’, she said softly, the smile on her lips not meeting her eyes. ‘I’m going to shower real quick’. And with that she got up and headed into her bedroom, leaving a bewildered Jay standing in the kitchen with the take out menus still in his hands.
Hailey knew she was acting off as she stepped into the shower, but she was trying to pluck up the courage to ask the question she had wanted to for over a week now. Everytime an opportunity presented itself she panicked and her mind spiralled into the worst case scenarios. In her heart she knew Jay would be happy at the prospect of them officially living together, but worry still crept its way into her mind. Chipping away at the happiness she felt when she imagined the closet becoming home to his henleys and shirts alongside her flannels and hoodies. Cracks appearing in the future she could see inside her head, of her growing old beside him.
She rested her head against the tiles and let the water cascade over her, hoping it would wash away the negative thoughts she was having. Thoughts about him walking out the door and leaving a Jay shaped whole in her heart that she was certain would never heal.
She had never intended to fall in love. Never intended to allow someone so deeply into her life that knew every part of her, body and mind. But then Jay had walked into her life; more accurately she had walked into his. She had fallen for him long before she had had the courage to say anything, the man who was her partner, her best friend, who she trusted with her life. She had finally trusted him with her heart, and she knew he wouldn’t break it. She did know it. As much as that small voice inside of her head was telling her otherwise. The man that was currently in her kitchen, ordering them dinner, loved her.
‘Dinner will be here in 20’, she heard him call from the other room.
This was it , she thought as she switched off the water and ran her hands over her face, it’s now or never . Wrapping herself in a towel and leaving her wet hair hanging down her back, she took one final look in the mirror, took a deep breath and walked into the living room.
Jay had moved from his spot in the kitchen and was now sitting on her couch, legs crossed, resting on the coffee table, absentmindedly scrolling on his phone.
Before giving him a chance to look up, she said quickly with a shaky voice, ‘move in with me’.
He looked up swiftly, eyes wide as he took in the sight of Hailey standing in front of him, wearing nothing but a towel, water still glistening on her skin. He opened his mouth to speak but Hailey interrupted him and continued more confidently.
‘We already pretty much live together, but I want to make it official. No more deciding where we are going to sleep after work. No more having to wake up early because one of us doesn’t have a clean change of clothes. I want your ridiculously neatly folded t-shirts in the drawer next to my messy ones. I want your favourite mug to be hanging next to mine. I want us to live together. Properly’, she said the last few words coming out quietly, as if she had run out of steam from the barrage of thoughts that had poured out of her. She had been ringing her hands in front of her whilst she spoke, a nervous tick that she had had since she was a child.
Jay had remained sitting on the couch throughout Hailey’s speech, his feet now resting on the floor and a smile upon his face. Unsure if she was finished, he hadn’t said anything and Hailey seemed to have clocked this, her eyes seemingly ignoring the smile on his face and dropping to where her hands were joined.
Jay quickly jumped up and was over to her, crossing the space in all but a couple of steps, his hands grabbing hers.
‘Look at me Hails’, he said gently, squeezing her hands as he spoke. Hailey raised her head to look at him, her blue eyes now glistening with tears. ‘Hey now’, he whispered, transferring both her small hands to one of his, allowing his now free one to swipe under her eyes and rest his open palm against her cheek. ‘Of course I want to live with you’, he finished with a soft smile.
Hailey’s breath hitched in her throat as she looked up at the man in front of her, smiling like he was the luckiest man on the planet. ‘Really?’, she whispered.
Jay laughed as he pulled her into a tight hug, resting his head on top of hers, ignoring the fact his clothes were soaking in the water from Hailey’s damp skin. ‘Really’ he answered. He felt the small arms of his girlfriend tighten around his waist and felt her noticeably relax into him. ‘I love you’, he muttered into her hair.
‘I love you too’, she said as she pulled back and sealed her lips to his. He pulled away after a second, his warm smile still radiating off his face.
‘As much as I’d like to continue this’, he said with a chuckle, ‘because you in a towel is not something I can normally resist’. Hailey giggled at this. ‘Dinner will be here in a minute and you’re still wet’. Hailey raised an eyebrow at his apparently accidental innuendo. ‘Not like that’, he said as he squeezed her hips. ‘Did you even dry yourself before you threw on a towel and came out here?’
Hailey’s cheeks reddened as she looked bashful and shook her head. ‘Had to ask you before I chickened out again’, she admitted quietly.
Jay’s smile softened, ‘the Hailey I know is never a chicken. But go get dressed and we can chat over dinner’.
But they didn’t chat about it over dinner. They sat comfortably together on the couch as they made their way through the Chinese that Jay had ordered. They sat closer than they normally would and any time that Jay had a free hand, it was resting on Hailey’s thigh. He was letting her know he meant what he had said and he wasn’t going anywhere. And Hailey appreciated it.
She could run through a hail of bullets at work if she needed to, but asking the man she loved to move in had proven scarier than that. The act of putting herself out there, risking rejection was far more terrifying.
When they had finished and the dishes removed, Hailey was tucked back into Jay’s side, her arm thrown over his middle, his hand tangled in her hair.
‘I think we should get a new place, together’, Jay said softly breaking through the silence, his fingers twisting a piece of her blonde hair through his fingers.
‘Yeah?’, she questioned, staying tucked into his side.
‘Yeah. Somewhere we can build a life together’. She pulled back to look at him, his green eyes were soft as they met hers.
‘You want that?’, she said, reaching for the hand that wasn’t still resting on her head and threading her fingers through his.
‘I want everything with you Hailey’, he said. ‘A house. A future. A life’.
For the second time that night, Hailey’s eyes filled with tears and her cheeks tugged her lips into a smile and she nodded. Afraid that if she tried to speak, nothing would come out.
‘Together’, he whispered as he pulled her close and his lips met hers. It was a messy kind of kiss, tears from Hailey and teeth from where neither of them could stop smiling. But it was them, messy and imperfect, but together.
‘Together’, Hailey repeated when they finally separated and she pulled herself into his lap and curled up in his arms.
Warm, comfortable and safe.
Jay made her feel all those things and she knew as she rested her head against his chest that she would never feel lonely again.