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Jason Todd was dead.
Tim’s father told him that rumor had it that there was an accident when he and Wayne went abroad, that Jason Todd had died, and Wayne came back to the US with his body.
But Tim knew that Jason Todd’s death meant that Robin was dead, and Robin was murdered by the Joker.
Jason Todd was killed by the Joker.
But then, no one should know about it, so Tim shut his mouth and went to Jason Todd’s funeral with his father.
-
Tim still remembered the first time that he met, well, that he saw Jason from afar at a gala.
Tim had wanted to talk to and make friends with Jason, but before he could, there were robbers breaking into the gala.
However, Tim did meet Robin on that day for the first time and, in hindsight, the only time. Not long after the break-in, Batman and Robin had come to the rescue. Batman had handled the criminals swiftly, and Robin had been comforting and evacuating the civilians.
Tim was standing at the edge of the gala then, so he didn’t get hurt. He was a little shocked, yes, but otherwise he was fine. He had searched for his father with his eyes, but he might have left earlier and forgotten to tell him again.
“Hey! You, kid! Yeah, ya ‘right there? Did ya get hurt?” Tim, startled by the voice, turned around to find that it was Robin talking to him.
“Um, yeah, yeah, fine. I’m fine.”
Although Robin had worn a domino mask, Tim could feel he had raised his brow and disbelieved his answer. But he didn’t find Tim to have any visible injury, so he dropped it for the moment.
“Where are your parents? Just ya yourself?” He asked.
“I am with my father, um, but he might have left for some business…” Tim said sheepishly.
Robin paused and frowned. “What’s ya name?”
“Tim. Tim Drake.”
“Well, hello Tim, I’m Robin. Maybe ya need someone to walk ya home?” Robin suggested.
Tim was surprised, he hadn’t thought that Robin would be willing to walk him home. Because really, he could make back by himself just fine, it wasn’t the first time. But when he looked at Robin, somehow he just couldn’t refuse. So later that day, he was sent back to his house by Robin in a daze.
Tim lay on his bed that night, exhausted but also excited, he had decided that his favorite Robin was Jason from now on.
-
Tim saw Dick Grayson at the funeral, and that was the first time he ever saw Dick without a smile. Tim still remembered the night he went to watch the circus. He remembered how Dick had beamed like a little sun with his parents, how Dick had smiled when he took a photo with him, and how Dick had done a somersault for him.
But now, Dick just stood there with a blank face. There was no grief nor fury, he just stared at the coffin and people with a pale face and hollow eyes. He was nothing like the Dick Tim remembered.
When it turned to the Drake to give their condolences, Tim murmured quietly to Dick, “I’m sorry for your loss.” He knew that Dick didn’t remember him at all, and he might not be noticing what was happening around him right now. He just could not help saying something to send his comfort, even though it was in vain.
When Tim lifted his head, he saw Bruce standing by Dick. This was the first time he had seen Bruce this disheveled— his chin was covered with stubble and he looked withered. His lips were pressed into a flat line, his face gloomed just like his alter ego.
Tim stood by his father, mourned for the loss of a bright hero of Gotham, felt sorry for a family that had lost a dear family member.
He hoped that everything would be fine. He believed that everything would be fine.
-
Everything didn’t get better.
Tim should have known that from his own experience. No one would be fine after they had lost a dear one, not in a short time at least.
Batman had restarted patrol a few days after the funeral. There was not a red-yellow-green bird anymore, nor a blue shadow around him.
Tim was still there though, he watched and recorded everything. He hadn’t noticed any difference at first.
Did Batman get rougher with the criminals? Perhaps. But everyone needed some ways to express their grief or anger. That was normal, he just needed some more time. Tim had believed.
Until that day, some random goon had held a gun and pointed at Batman with trembling hands, he threatened, “Stop! Don’t move! I-I will shoot you! I will fucking shoot you!”
Batman didn’t say anything, he just glared at the goon and started walking toward him. The goon was freaking out by the bat-glare and he just pressed the trigger accidentally. And the gun was an automatic one. So after the first bullet was fired, there was the second one, and the third one… there were ten bullets in total. That goon was shocked too, then he waved the gun in panic like that would stop the fire.
Batman didn’t even dodge, he just kept walking and didn’t even flinch when a bullet hit into his body. He loomed over the goon and cuffed the poor guy who had pissed himself.
After that, Batman walked back to the batmobile. He had stumbled a few times, but he didn’t bother to stop.
Tim stared after the batmobile, and in his gut he felt something was wrong.
The second time happened when Batman crouched on the usual spot of the gargoyle.
Batman was looking down at the city on the gargoyle, he was searching for any criminal to stop.
Tim saw Batman had stood up and stared at some spot on the ground. Tim looked down too, but he didn’t see anything suspicious.
And suddenly, Batman jumped off.
Tim wasn’t worried at first, he had thought that Batman had seen some criminal. But when Batman was getting closer and closer to the ground, and he didn’t give any sign to grapple, Tim’s heart was nearly jumping out of his chest.
To Tim’s relief, there was someone screaming out of nowhere. Batman had finally grappled to a roof and swung toward the screaming.
-
This kind of thing just kept happening several times, until one day, Tim couldn’t stand anymore.
It was a gang war. Everyone was shooting aimlessly, the gangsters punched each other at random, and didn’t seem to care if they hit the wrong guy. It was a disaster. There were already a number of deaths and injuries when the GCPD had finally come, and even Batman had been injured badly.
Tim saw Batman had pressed a hand on his abdomen and limped to the shadow where he parked the batmobile. At least he had made it to his car, he thought. He could get back to the cave safely and get some help.
But then, one minute had passed, and then three minutes. The batmobile was still standing in the same place.
Therefore, Tim decided that he would venture to check if Batman was alright.
When he got close to the batmobile, he found that the door wasn’t even closed. Tim opened it warily and was unimpressed to find that Batman was sprawled out on the seat unconscious and losing an alarming lot of blood.
Tim heard someone that seemed to be calling over the car audio, so he leaned down into the car to hear more clearly. “Sir, can you hear me? Sir? Answer me, Batman!” The voice was panicking.
Tim hesitated but spoke up carefully, “Um, hello?”
That voice paused and when he spoke again, it was cold and alarmed. “Who are you? And how did you get in the car?”
“I, um, my name is Tim Drake, sir. Um, Batman… he’s hurt badly and he’s unconscious… Um, maybe I can help…? So you can treat him?”
That voice paused again but this time his reply was fast, he seemed to deem that Tim was not a threat. “All right young sir, get in the car and I’ll remote-control it back. There is a first-aid kit in the front compartment. I’ll instruct you what to do. Now, can you tell me about Batman’s injury?”
After that, Tim listened to the instructions and tried to save Batman’s life while the batmobile was directed back to the cave.
And when the car came to a stop, someone opened the door from outside. It revealed an older man, who wore a suit with a domino mask, standing beside the batmobile. Tim recognized that he was Bruce’s butler, Mr. Pennyworth.
Tim was panicking at the moment, and so he just blurted out, “Mr. Pennyworth! I-I think Batman needs CPR! H-he is in shock!”
Mr. Pennyworth stared at him for a second but recovered soon. Apparently, Batman’s life was more important than their secret identities at the time. They moved Batman to the gurney together, and Mr. Pennyworth performed an emergency surgery for Batman.
Under Mr. Pennyworth’s hard work and Tim’s praying, Batman made it through without further obstacles. After Mr. Pennyworth had settled Batman, he returned his attention to Tim.
He had taken off his mask after Tim called his name, and now lifted his eyebrow as he looked at Tim. “Well, young Mr. Drake, I believe we need to have a talk. But I suppose that can wait until you have cleaned up.”
Tim looked down at himself, his hands and cloth were all covered with Batman’s blood. So he nodded and followed Mr. Pennyworth up to the Manor.
The aftermath of their talk was that Tim shoved himself into Batman’s, Bruce Wayne’s, life with the title of the third Robin.
From then on, Tim was determined to pull Bruce out of the swamp of death.
-
At first, Bruce refused it. He thought that Tim shouldn’t come near him. Didn’t he see that Dick had left him and had a better life without him? Didn’t he see that Jason had died because of him?
So, no. Bruce refused to kill another boy by his hand. Of course, that didn’t mean that Bruce had kicked Tim out at sight, he just ignored him.
But Tim always had some ways to have Bruce’s attention on him involuntarily. It was really hard to ignore when there was a little boy lingering around you all the time.
Bruce was always worried about what would happen if he tripped himself, falling to the ground, or cut himself accidentally by batarang. Bruce would turn around constantly to check if there was still a little boy following after him.
As the months passed, Bruce finally got used to the fact that there was a little bird around him again. He was not like Dick, who was always chatting cheerfully with Bruce or made some pun he thought was funny. He was not like Jason either, who was always swearing like a sailor to distract the criminals or comforting the street kids patiently like a big brother.
Tim was a completely different boy. At the fact that he had followed Batman and Robins around the city at this young age, and the fact that he had figured their secret identities on his own, it could prove that he was an extraordinary boy, a very clever one. Maybe some people would think that a clever kid would be very handful and arrogant. But no, Tim had never thought he was smart, nor he had thought he was outstanding. Because no one had told him that before.
On the contrary, Tim was very quiet and calm. He was so calm that he wasn’t like a kid. Tim only got excited very few times when he solved a riddle or found key evidence.
After Bruce had accepted Tim’s existence, he decided to change that. He wanted to make Tim know how smart he was, and how grateful he was to Tim that he didn’t back away when he refused his help.
This was the first time that Bruce felt that there was still hope after Jason had gone. This was the first time that he wanted to keep living for Tim, for Dick (although he could never come back). He wanted to live, and he didn’t want to fail another boy again.
However, the fate was a fucking bitch. Every time when you started to feel hope, it would kick you straight back to hell.
-
Tim could see that Bruce was getting better. He had started to smile again instead of always frowned and gloomed. He even had started to go to a gala and played the Brucie baby.
Everything was getting better. Tim thought relievedly. Though it would be much better if Dick had come home.
He had heard from Alfred that Bruce and Dick had a serious fight after Jason’s funeral. Tim didn’t know the exact contents, but there must be someone who had said something very mean to the other and caused Dick’s absence. He had left for several months, it was nearly a year, and had never come back or contacted them for once.
Tim had never thought that the reason that finally made Dick to come home was an almost irretrievable tragedy.
The day had started normal, Batman and Robin went to patrol as usual. They were working on a case. The suspect was presumed a male, his motivation wasn’t clear yet but he had murdered three people so far. They found that between the three victims, they didn’t know each other nor their features or background were relative, but they all knew the suspect.
They had told Commissioner Gordon as soon as they found that, and he had summoned a group to arrest the suspect. But the GCPD found the suspect was already dead when they arrived at his apartment, and there were two more bodies beside him. They were the suspect’s ex-wife and son.
Tim hadn’t noticed Batman was eerily quiet at the time. He was blaming himself for not finding out the suspect sooner. If he had, would the mother and her son survive? If Tim had glanced at Batman, he would notice that Batman had stiffened when he stared at the boy’s body.
After they were back to the cave, Batman just disappeared to the Manor without saying a word to Tim. Tim thought he was reproaching himself too, and didn’t want to be bothered.
Next day, Tim had arrived at the Manor to train in the cave. When he stepped out in the cave, he could see the light above the laboratory section. He thought that Bruce was doing some examination.
Tim walked over and was ready to greet him, but then he found that Bruce was lying on the floor, and beside him laid an empty tube. Tim stared at the scene, his heart stuttered.
Did he fail? Did he lose Bruce eventually no matter how hard he had tried?
Tim reached out his hand tremblingly to feel Bruce’s pulse. He could feel a weak rhythm, it was barely there and was getting slower. But it was still beating.
Tim released a shaking breath that he didn’t even realize when he had held. Bruce was still alive, he could still save him. Tim’s whole body was shaking but he still managed to start working steadily.
First, he moved Bruce to the gurney. And he rummaged through the table and searched for what exactly Bruce had shot himself. He finally found the little glass bottle, and it was labeled Sodium Thiopental. Bruce gave himself a shot of six grams of Sodium Thiopental. Jesus Christ, that was a gram more than the lethal injection.
Batman, the fucking paranoid bastard.
Tim took a deep breath. Okay, it was just thiopental and not some toxic drugs. It would just make people can’t breath on their own, so he just had to make Bruce keep breathing. So he started to prepare an intubation.
Few minutes had passed, and Tim had finally made sure that Bruce could breath and not suffocate to death. He had also checked to make sure his vitals were stabilized. But Tim had drawn blood from Bruce, just in case, to make sure he didn’t have any other toxin in his blood.
The result was fast and clear. Except the thiopental, Bruce hadn’t given himself another shot, nor taken any drug, if you asked. Finally, Tim was 100% positive that Bruce was in no immediate life-or-death threat, he relaxed and almost crumbled to the ground.
He sat on the floor and heard the steady beep sounds from the heart monitor. He really wanted to have a break-down.
Jesus, Bruce… I really didn’t want to do this anymore… Why wouldn’t you want to live?
-
After Tim had calmed himself down, he went upstairs to notify Alfred. And he decided to make a phone call to Dick.
He couldn’t do this alone. Bruce needed Robin, the original one, his son, not a random boy who shoved himself into his life.
Dick was back at the Manor in just a few hours. He didn’t even have the time to ask who the hell is Tim. He rushed to Bruce’s bedside as soon as he arrived, and he was stunned to see Bruce laid there, pale face and withered.
Tim didn’t bother him and went back to his house without anyone’s notice. This was not his home. This was Bruce’s, Dick’s, Jason’s, and Alfred’s home. No matter what he longed for, it was not Tim’s.
Bruce woke after a few days, and it was Tim’s shift. Bruce opened his eyes and blinked slowly for a few times. Tim didn’t notice he was awake at first, until Bruce turned his head slightly to him. “Bruce! You’re awake!”
Tim fussed for a moment, and then realized he should call the others. “Wait a minute, let me get Dick and Alfred!”
Tim just took some steps when he heard Bruce’s hoarse voice. “Why did you save me?”
Tim froze at the question, not knowing what to reply. “I… I…”
At this moment, Tim asked himself the same question, “yeah, why did I keep saving Bruce?”
Was that because Gotham needed Batman? Was that because the world needed a hero?
No. The truth was that Tim hoped that Bruce’s family wouldn’t break into pieces because one of them was gone. Just like his family.
Tim longed for a family. He had known that the Wayne’s had been through a lot of suffering, but they were still a family he envied for, he craved for. He wanted to become one of them, he didn’t want them to break. So, he had lied to himself, to Bruce, that his intention was that Gotham couldn’t lose Batman, and Batman couldn’t fight without Robin. Therefore, he used the disguise of being a Robin to join this family. Just like a dove occupying a magpie’s nest.
And at this moment, Tim realized that he couldn’t lie anymore when Bruce asked with such a despairing and painful voice.
“I don’t want this family to break. I don’t want Dick to lose his family again,” just like me. “And I… I long for a family like you.”
After saying that, Tim left to tell Alfred and Dick about Bruce’s awakeness. He didn’t notice that Bruce was staring after him, and had whispered, “But you are already one of this family… Tim…”
-
Tim didn’t know what Dick and Bruce had talked about, but after that, Dick had promised that he would come home at least once a week. And his relationship with Bruce had been repairing gradually.
Bruce had had a talk with Tim after his recovery. He had said to Tim, “You’re already one of this family. You’re Batman’s Robin, you’re a member of the Wayne family. Whether blood-related or not, whether legally or not.” Tim was shocked, but he felt a feeling of belonging for the first time in his life.
His mother had cared about him when she was still alive, but she didn’t spend time with him often. His parents weren’t at home very often because they had to work, and Tim should take care of himself so that he wouldn’t be a bother to them. His parents were always asking him to do better, so Tim worked harder and harder, but he seemed to never reach their demands.
His father hardly came home after his mother had passed away. Or rather, that was not a home, it was just an empty house. Tim had always been alone, he never knew the feeling of being needed, being loved.
But since he shoved himself into Bruce’s life, he had felt for being needed. And now Bruce had told him that he was one of the family, he was needed, he was loved.
Tim had found a family.
-
Tim thought that they would be happy ever after. Bruce had gotten better and better with Dick’s and Tim’s companies, and he hadn’t tried to kill or hurt himself ever again since then. Maybe they would fight or argue with each other sometimes, but that was how a family was supposed to be, right? It was much better than before when he was always alone.
And after two years, Jason had come back from the dead miraculously. Or rather, Red Hood had come into sight in Gotham.
They were disturbed at first, because Red Hood was a very skillful villain, who could be compared with the Batfamily. Till they found out that he was indeed a member of the Batfamily.
But after all the mess had been over— Robin had been attacked by Red Hood, Red Hood had fought with Batman and he had kidnapped the Joker to make Batman make a choice— Jason had finally come home.
Tim had been worried about Bruce in those days, he feared that Bruce’s mental state would become worse again. But perhaps it was because he and Dick had been keeping an eye on Bruce’s emotions, and the fact that no one died but someone came back from the dead this time, Bruce hadn’t tried to hurt himself. It was helpful that Jason had reconciled with them, and had rejoined the family. Bruce’s mood seemed to be steady, he was even happy that his family was reunited again.
But thinking about it in hindsight, maybe it was not that Bruce hadn’t acted differently. It was that Tim had been too content to care.
It was just a single phone call that had shattered Tim’s fake happiness. The content was simple: Bruce had kidnapped the Joker and disappeared.
Tim went back as soon as he got the call, and had joined the action to find Bruce. Come on, Bruce. We were just about to start a happy life, how could you just leave us behind now?
Tim kept praying that he had already saved Bruce several times, he could make it this time. Not to mention that this time he was not alone, there were Dick, Jason, and Barbara, the whole family had been in action. Why couldn’t you see that we loved you, and cared about you so so much, Bruce? Dad?
In the end, it was Jason and Dick who found him. There was just a cold body with half a blown-off head.
No one could accept Bruce’s death. The most resisted one was Jason— he had watched how it had happened.
Tim knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help envying, resenting Jason. Bruce had tried to kill himself several times for him, he had given up living for him, he had longed for death for him. Bruce had even crossed the line for Jason, had killed the Joker for Jason. Even Jason was the last person Bruce had looked at before he took his last breath.
He knew that he shouldn’t have these kinds of thoughts, but he just couldn’t help. He had thought that he was content to have Bruce’s love once, but until this very moment, he then realized that he was so greedy. He wanted Bruce to see him growing up, he wanted Bruce to attend his wedding, he wanted to say a proper goodbye to Bruce when he died in old age. He wanted Bruce to be there with him for most of his life.
He just wanted a home, a dad who loved him.
Yes, he had gotten a home and a dad who loved him.
But now, it was like the bubble had finally bursted, puff, and he was waking up from a beautiful dream.
Tim was all alone again.
END