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1.
Sunghoon is the first.
He knows love is not a boxing ring, nor is it a racing track. He wears his heart like a medal, still, yearning for the highest step of his podium at all costs, whether it be dried blood on his boxing gloves or caked mud in the screeching tire of his formula one race car. He’s the fastest one in his competition; he’s quick to take and quick to give.
In some sense, Jungwon is also the first.
Sunghoon runs quickly, and so does he fall. The fall is neither padded nor cushioned, he just falls head-long into love, his heart now pridefully glinting, a radiant medallic-gold between Jungwon’s dainty fingers. Jungwon is the first one Sunghoon falls for.
“I’ll return it to you soon, hyung,” Jungwon mutters, nails gnawing into the tender tissues of Sunghoon’s fragile heart, yet his smile is ever pure. Sunghoon beams back.
“It’s nothing.”
“But do you really don’t want to stargaze, or are you just indulging me?” A small frown weaves its way into Jungwon’s cutely scrunched-together brows, and Sunghoon snaps out of his reverie.
It must have been the stars outside the train. They are boxed in a small mahogany compartment, Jungwon’s fingers drumming on his thighs. There’s no golden heart in between them.
“I’m fine,” he shrugs nonchalantly. “Take the window seat, I insist.”
It’s settled. Jungwon whispers a soundless thank-you, the tip of his ears dusted blossom pink, and Sunghoon’s heart swells with joy. Midnight draws on as the train rumbles its way across a barren land, an idyllic canvas of willows weeping past their view, crescent moon dangling from its solstice hook of July. Jungwon lets the breeze flushes through a small gap in the window. His eyes flutter shut. He falls asleep before long.
On that train when they first meet, they switch seats. Jungwon wants to gaze at the stars, and Sunghoon wants to gaze at Jungwon.
Constellations slip through the window and tumble onto Jungwon’s soft hair. And, just for a second, Sunghoon lets his tender gaze kiss the stars.
2.
Jungwon is quick to realize, but he is slow to reciprocate.
Sunghoon painfully takes his notes about Jungwon. The Ravenclaw is all meek gestures and subtle care. He makes people feel at ease, but he never quite feels so himself. He invites Sunghoon to come closer, but it’s always him who pulls back sooner. Jungwon is a kitten too scared to test the waters , he concludes. They have the chance to cross fates again at the Great Hall, and Sunghoon is beyond delighted. His heart soars above Jungwon’s head, glowing like an amulet.
Sunghoon decides to let nature take its course. One who wishes for nothing may one day gain everything, he repeats it like a mantra. Things are as easy as the shifting wheels of time. Sunghoon becomes Jungwon’s first friend. First mentor. First secret trustee. First lunch partner. First Quidditch date. First, first, first. Sunghoon relishes being all of Jungwon’s first.
He hopes he’s the first to finally win Jungwon’s heart, in exchange for his, too.
Sunghoon waits and pines. As patient as the oak tree climbing over the roof of their residence hall, as silently as his footsteps tiptoeing from Hufflepuff to Ravenclaw’s common room for a late movie screening, and as resilient as the pretty scarlet coloring Jungwon’s cheeks every time he look up at Sunghoon, blushing like a petal.
Jungwon must surely know how Sunghoon feels about him. He must surely know from the way Sunghoon’s fingers linger over soft hair, the way Sunghoon himself lingers over every lecture hall. He must surely know from the way Sunghoon waits. And pines. And waits.
Jungwon’s answer is nobody.
Sunghoon doesn’t have the nerve to question the younger. His heart aches, the pain stinging dully. Still, nobody means he still has the chance to win Jungwon’s heart.
When nobody turns into Heeseung, he’s confused.
3.
Sunghoon regrets bringing Jungwon to his Quidditch practice match.
He’s selfishly selfish. Or selfish selfishly. When fates are unfair, being selfish is the only appropriate reaction to how things turn out to be. Sunghoon doesn’t like the idea of trudging into the Great Hall with a scowl on his face; he’s the type to hold it in, knowing that he wouldn’t burst.
But it’s so unfair. Sunghoon is the one to arrive at Jungwon’s heart first. He’s at the front of the queue, the first footer, the fastest of the pack. He leaves out the possibility of Heeseung swooping down from midair, snatching Jungwon away lightning-fast on his Nimbus 3000.
Heeseung is handsome. Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch Team, he’s ready to win any tournament, including Jungwon’s heart. Sunghoon doubts whether his personality is as handsome as his face, only to immediately shut up upon seeing Heeseung befriending the hippogriffs in Care of Magical Creatures. So Heeseung is a handsome, kind-hearted, ambitious, accomplished, all-around model student. He’s also Jungwon’s first love.
Heeseung takes Jungwon out for a butterbeer. Jungwon visits Heeseung’s house at Christmas. Heeseung’s Muggle parents give Jungwon a pair of knitted mittens, the pattern akin to that on Heeseung’s scarf. Jungwon breaks the rules to go on a midnight broomstick ride with Heeseung. Heeseung is there to hold him close, to make sure he never falls.
And Sunghoon watches everything from the sideway.
He greets Jungwon at lunch, the younger still gleaming in a euphoric glow that is painfully beautiful for Sunghoon to look at. Jungwon’s time spent on him is suddenly chopped into two uneven portions, with Sunghoon begrudgingly taking thirty, and Heeseung: seventy.
Sunghoon stops going to Quidditch soon afterward.
Jungwon still goes to watch Quidditch practice. He also switches from the Hufflepuff pews to the Slytherin pews. His eyes still light up with pure excitement, but it’s not meant for a particularly goofy joke or a cool tactic that Sunghoon tells him. It’s meant for Heeseung to score yet another goal and touch down to kiss him affectionately on the cheeks.
Heeseung is a Chaser, he’s naturally as quick as thunderbolts. He whisks Jungwon away from Sunghoon in a whirlwind of first love, and he leaves just as quickly. Jungwon, on the other hand, is still slow to feel the pain.
Sunghoon wants to turn away. He wants to let Jungwon bleed alone at the sight of Heeseung, his now ex-boyfriend. But deep inside, he can’t.
Sunghoon offers his shoulder for Jungwon to cry on. Jungwon accepts it, but he doesn’t give away a single tear. He looks into blankness, sighs deeply, and hides his face in Sunghoon’s cloak.
Heeseung takes Jungwon’s first love and first heartbreak from Sunghoon. Sunghoon knows he’s falling back into his old grave of selfishness, yet he still wishes for Jungwon to stop loving for a while, at least until Sunghoon discovers another “first” title and attempts to win it from Jungwon, again.
When Heeseung turns into Jongseong, he’s envious.
4.
Jongseong is a foreign force. He interrupts the regularity of everything, he messes up schedules and plans and schemes and Sunghoon is not particularly happy about this.
Sunghoon is not a bright candidate for the Triwizard Tournament (Heeseung is representing Hogwarts anyways), so the best he can do is try to focus on his studies despite the brimming whispers and attention showering the competitors. He has been so good at rushing Jungwon away from gossipping crowds and into the library where they spend the rest of the evening revising for the O.W.Ls, until stupid Park Jongseong comes along, blocking Jungwon’s way back to their cozy nest of knowledge.
Jongseong is the representative from Durmstrang Institute. He wears confidence like a second skin, easily standing out with that cocky grin and icy attitude, and alien rocker boy aura.
Sunghoon hates it. He has his own reservations about odd things, and Jongseong is the perfect disruption. Sunghoon and Jungwon are particularly keen on maintaining familiarity and normalcy, so he drags the younger along, dead set on getting them away from Jongseong before Jongseong’s peculiarity snatches Jungwon away.
Jungwon lets go of Sunghoon’s hand as he gravitates toward Jongseong. Sunghoon burns with envy.
He aggressively flips up the entire library that night, looking for a counterspell that will save Jungwon from whatever love hex Jongseong casts upon him, only to find nothing. He tries to look and look and look deeper, digging up reasons for Jungwon to fall in love with Jongseong.
This time he finds plenty.
Envy gives birth to pettiness. Sunghoon decides to tell Jungwon about his suspicion.
“You are his direct opponent’s ex-boyfriend. He’s using you to make Heeseung jealous.”
Jungwon looks at him like he has just swallowed a whole frog. It’s as if they are brewing Amortentia: all Sunghoon can smell is Jungwon’s cotton scent, while all Jungwon can smell is Jongseong’s permafrost musk.
“Apart from that, what else makes you think he’s toying with me, Sunghoon-hyung?”
Because I am the only one who knows you well enough to not do so , Sunghoon bitterly thinks. Jungwon is still the smarter one out of the two, so Sunghoon chooses to remain silent. Jungwon closes his book, brushing powdered root of asphodel off his cloak.
“I’m going to the Yule Ball with Jongseong-hyung.”
This time, Sunghoon doesn’t hold Jungwon back. The very second Jongseong’s strong arms wrap around Jungwon’s slender waist, the very moment Jongseong’s feet lead Jungwon into the opening dance, Jungwon becomes foreign. The ball is charming. The people are enthralled. Boys have swayed, girls have swooned. Sunghoon's heart is steely cold.
He doesn’t remember his dance partner’s name. His eyes are glued to Jungwon’s hand on Jongseong’s arm. His mind is glued to the Crucio spell that would get Jongseong out of their lives forever. His mouth is glued to his empty glass.
He later finds Heeseung storming out of the hall, his face grim and jaws clenching. Jongseong’s plan works.
Jongseong wins Jungwon’s first Yule Ball and leaves with an unpleasant taste. Jungwon is heartbroken for a second time. Thanks to Jongseong, Sunghoon can never take Jungwon out to any ball for-ever, knowing that every step they dance will only remind Jungwon of Jongseong. He’s only there for Jungwon to have a shoulder to cry on, but the Ravenclaw is much stronger than that.
When Jongseong turns into Sunoo, he’s frustrated.
5.
“It’s not anything serious,” Jungwon shrugs. “He’s returning to Durmstrang eventually. The Muggles call it a ‘fling’, I believe.”
Sunghoon struggles to blurt out some words of comfort, but he knows they are simply of no use. No matter how Jungwon tries to play it down, he can still hear Jungwon’s heart cracking inside the cage of his ribs.
Jungwon does not want to stay somber about the breakup. He wants revenge.
In comes Kim Sunoo.
How much does Sunghoon hate Sunoo? He can’t truly gauge the resentment.
Sunoo is a bad influence, Sunghoon dismissively judges. His shirt is untucked, his Slytherin tie is dangling on his neck, and his ear pierced through and through with silver hoops, chains, and studs. He skips every class. He plays Quidditch recklessly, sending bludgers and quaffles zipping everywhere on the field. He is a close friend of Heeseung. He shows Jungwon the tattoo on his nape, and Jungwon is immediately mesmerized.
Sunoo is daring in a way Sunghoon is not. He glides through danger like a daredevil, and he takes Jungwon along on his mischief. From blocking the toilets to pranking the first year with dungbombs, there are few if no tricks that Sunoo stays away from. He’s nobody’s favorite, yet still somehow wins Jungwon’s heart, beating Sunghoon to the punch.
Yet at the same time, Sunoo makes Jungwon glow in a way Sunghoon does not. Jungwon starts to stand straight-backed. His confidence builds up little by little, and with each day passing, Sunghoon witnesses the clever dent on Jungwon’s dimple get deeper and deeper with the naughty grin of a little rascal.
Sunoo loves Jungwon with a love so bold, so brash and so vibrant that Sunghoon starts doubting himself. The more Jungwon shines, the more Sunghoon withers. He watches Sunoo’s hand on Jungwon’s wrist, Sunoo’s fox-like eyes piercing into him as he leans down to whisper into Jungwon’s ear, earning a cute giggle from the younger.
You can’t make him laugh like this, can you? Sunoo mouths.
Sunghoon’s neck burns.
He wants to disagree. Wants to rip Jungwon away from Sunoo. Wants to tuck Jungwon back into his burrow of gentle care and meticulous steps. Jungwon is not meant for someone running risks like Sunoo, and Sunghoon wants to prove that.
He doesn’t dare to.
A good five months later, the Sunoo Effect wears off. This time, Jungwon has both the confidence and the boldness to give Sunoo the break-up offer. Sunoo leans back as he laughs.
He accepts it anyway. Sunoo says farewell to Jungwon with a haunting kiss on the lips. I will miss you, my little prize hunter.
He’s gone, but his aura somehow still clings onto Jungwon until these days. Jungwon returns to Sunghoon, determined to focus on his studies once more. As if nothing ever happens. As if there have only been the two of them, Sunghoon and Jungwon, all along.
If there is one thing Sunghoon learns from Sunoo, it is to take the risk.
Three months later, Sunghoon asks Jungwon.
“What would you think if I were to confess to you?”
He expects Jungwon to blush the way he does when they first meet, but Jungwon just blinks owlishly. Jungwon grips his pen, voice soaked with guilt.
“Please don’t ever say that, Sunghoon-hyung.”
When Sunoo turns into Jaeyun, he’s aghast.
6.
What does one feel when one’s best friend unknowingly backstabs him?
Sunghoon only tastes betrayal. He can accept Jungwon falling in love with strangers like Heeseung, Jongseong, or even Sunoo, but to watch him falling for someone so close to both of them, it’s a betrayal.
Jaeyun is Sunghoon’s best friend. They share a neighborhood. They share a bed at the dorm. They share every class. They share every bite of a snack. They would even share one brain cell ( I doubt there is one brain cell that can salvage dummies like us , Jaeyun says) if possible.
Jaeyun just gets him. Friendship turns into kinship. Sunghoon loves Jaeyun in a brotherly way, to the point that he even introduces Jungwon to Jaeyun. Jaeyun is a close buddy of both Sunghoon and Jungwon.
Jaeyun is there all along.
He knows about the love that Sunghoon harbors for Jungwon. He knows about Jungwon’s past heartbreaks and lovers. He knows how Sunghoon has been pining in silence for all those years. He has been there all along.
So for Jaeyun to love Jungwon, the one and only love that Sunghoon confides to Jaeyun, it’s nothing short of betrayal.
He can’t blame Jaeyun for any part of it, really. Jungwon is too lovable, and so is Jaeyun. Jaeyun’s heart is softer and much more vulnerable than Sunghoon’s, he’s simply too weak in front of Jungwon’s teary eyes. Jaeyun is more flexible to changes than Sunghoon, he quickly accepts Jungwon’s daring and mischievous persona, and he loves Jungwon for being true to his ambitions.
It turns out that all those nights when Jungwon doesn’t cry on Sunghoon's shoulder, he cries on Jaeyun’s.
Sunghoon tries to think of a suitable excuse. Maybe Jungwon is just too close to Sunghoon to let himself cry. Maybe it takes someone as distant as Jaeyun to coax Jungwon’s true feelings out. Maybe Jaeyun is a better advice-giver than Sunghoon.
Excuses don’t make any sense. Any fucking sense.
Jungwon is Sunghoon’s for a whole four months after his breakup with Sunoo, and for the next solid one-year period, he becomes Jaeyun’s.
His best friend is in love with his love. His love is in love with his best friend. Sunghoon is the middle, the mediator, the common ground. Now “middle” becomes “redundancy”, for who needs a friend to stand in between two lovers?
Jaeyun loves Jungwon with a love so innocent, so warm and so passionate. He’s not a player like Heeseung, not a competitor like Jongseong, nor a trickster like Sunoo. He’s a plain existence that brings Jungwon comfort, with his gentle words, his bear hugs, his honeyed smiles, and his shy touches. Even from the way he kisses Jungwon lightly, Jaeyun treats him like the smaller hangs the moon and the stars for them.
Sunghoon watches as his heart shatters.
He has his moments with Jaeyun. He has his moments with Jungwon. So it’s only fair and square for Jaeyun and Jungwon to have moments of their own. To have a love story that Sunghoon has no part to play.
To Sunghoon’s hidden delight, things do not work out once again. Jungwon and Jaeyun break up, both agreeing that they are better off as close friends, not as lovers. Jaeyun still kisses Jungwon affectionately on the hand after that, but nothing more.
Jaeyun asks Sunghoon for forgiveness. Sunghoon says he doesn’t blame him. They spend the rest of the night sharing little snippets of things that they love about Jungwon, only to end up laughing, regret coloring their cheeks. Sunghoon thinks that Jaeyun still loves Jungwon, he just steps back for something…greater.
“He’s waiting for someone else,” Jaeyun sighs. He sounds defeated. “It’s not me, mate. He’s waiting for someone, and I try to help him shorten the painful process of it all.”
Jungwon, on the other hand, seems to heal slowly after Jaeyun. He relies on Sunghoon more than ever. Sunghoon wishes for things to stay the way it is at that exact moment so that Jungwon will never fall in love again.
But Jungwon still falls.
When Jaeyun turns into Riki, he’s livid.
7.
Riki wins Jungwon's undivided attention. With his grooves and his dances, he greedily takes away Jungwon’s fond smiles. Suddenly, Riki becomes the apple of Jungwon’s eye, and he clings to Jungwon like adhesive tape.
Sunghoon is angry.
Riki copies everything from him. From the way he holds his books above his head so Jungwon has to reach up on tiptoes trying to get them back, to the way he lets Jungwon sit on his lap when there are no other seats available, Sunghoon knows he’s just a copycat.
That’s what Sunghoon has already done with Jungwon. That’s their own little habits, that’s a thing they keep to themselves, and Riki has the guts to copy it entirely. Sunghoon hopes Jungwon trips on his own deja vu and realizes how badly Riki wants to replace Sunghoon in Jungwon’s heart, but Jungwon is already oblivious.
Jungwon doesn’t realize. Ever.
He laughs instead. He laughs at Riki’s bland joke, at Riki’s goofy puns, at Riki’s cringy attempt at posing, at Riki’s clumsy baking. He laughs so whole-heartedly and so truthfully at things that Sunghoon already did for him.
They are in the Three Broomsticks Inn, Sunghoon flat-pressed against the wall next to Jaeyun. A lazy city pop song plays on the vinyl player, wizards and witches are talking and dancing animatedly. He catches a glimpse of Riki cornering Jungwon at a far table, the Slytherin’s tall frame almost engulfing Jungwon’s small figure in his embrace. Their position, Riki’s tight lips, Jungwon’s red ears, everything is a rebooted montage of the first night Sunghoon and Jungwon get drunk on apple cider together.
Riki is younger. He gives Jungwon something newer, something different from what Sunghoon has to offer. Sunghoon did not kiss Jungwon that night back then. Riki does.
Sunghoon tears his gaze away. He looks at Jaeyun, and sees his best friend’s hands trembling.
They go back to the dorm. Jaeyun goes straight to bed. Sunghoon stares into the fireplace.
What happens to being the first?
He has long forgotten what he wanted to become. To be every of Jungwon’s first . Sunghoon wants to be his everything. Wants to be his anything and nothing. Wants to be Jungwon’s. Sunghoon is the first one to come, the first one to fall, the first one to love, and the first one to break.
Others have already claimed Jungwon’s first. Heeseung takes his first love. Jongseong takes his first dance. Sunoo takes his first kiss. Jaeyun takes his first tear. Riki takes his first moments with Sunghoon.
So what is there left for Sunghoon to take?
None .
Sunghoon may come first, but he will never be the winner. Jungwon will never love him the way he loves Jungwon. From the moment that he proudly races towards that mahogany train compartment, heart on his sleeve ready for Jungwon to take, he has already lost. His formula one crashes the fences, the engine exploding into a million little pieces.
So he waters the racing track with gasoline, black petroleum coating his fingers, frostbitten tips decaying with a raging fury so lethal. It’s eating me up inside, baby , he sadly mumbles to himself. The fire crackles in the fireplace, threatening to lick into the spilling fuel, setting everything ablaze.
Sunghoon hears the door to Hufflepuff’s dorm creaking open, urgent footsteps rushing towards him.
He turns around to Jungwon crashing into his arms, sobbing painfully. Tears hit Sunghoon’s skin; they burn right through like acid, yet Sunghoon does not recoil. He opens his heart, opens his arms once again to welcome the very boy who breaks them.
“I’m sorry, Sunghoon-hyung, I’m really sorry…”
Jungwon hiccups and weeps, his tears strike the match, toss it into the petroleum, and light a flame.
8.
I have made so many mistakes. I take the wrong turns, I believe the wrong people, I follow the wrong instincts, but somehow they all lead me back to you. I look for you in all these strange faces, for I am too afraid to directly receive any affection from you. I am scared of loving you, and losing you, and hurting you.
You have always been my first. My first everything, and nothing, and anything.
I just want you to know, hyung. Even when I hurt you, even when I hurt myself.
I have always loved you.
Ever, ever and forever.
9.
It’s a final goodbye.
The train ride back to Platform 9¾ is quieter than ever.
Heeseung has graduated.
Jongseong never visits Hogwarts again.
Sunoo drops out of school and off to his own adventures.
Jaeyun sits in another compartment.
Riki is nowhere to be found.
Sunghoon’s arms are scorched, his whole body burning in the inferno. He willingly steps into the flames that Jungwon lights, fire embracing him in its roaring blaze.
Inside his embrace is his heart. Safe and secure, like that of the steadfast tin soldier. He fights to embrace Jungwon, and he will continue to fight until his last breath. Once he lets go of this love he holds dearly, it will be Sunghoon’s final peace.
“Your peace is my war, hyung.”
Small arms encircle his waist, a warm body presses itself against Sunghoon. Jungwon comes with the wind, lithe and fleeting like a paper ballerina, only to burn alongside the only one who has ever loved him so patiently, so silently, and so resiliently.
Sunghoon turns around to wipe away the tears on Jungwon’s cheeks. Jungwon holds onto him tighter. Voices are reaching out to them, but just for this moment when they burn so bright, Sunghoon blocks them all out.
The war is won and over.
In flames, they both burn for the better.