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“Do you want to stay?”
Mulder is leaning against the door frame, cracking a tired smile at her. His question is easy, simple. The answer, however, is more complicated. She observes him, trying to figure out why he’s asking. Whether it matters at all. A mere twenty minutes ago they shared their first kiss. Her lips tingle in remembrance. She’s spent many nights – and days – dreaming about his plush bottom lip, about how he’d feel, and taste. Now she knows.
They didn’t speak much on the way over here to his apartment and instead listened to the radio playing party songs, ringing in the new year in style. Or something like that. There’s no music here now to distract them, or to stop them from talking. When she lifts her eyes to meet his, finding them fixed on her face, his smile still intact, her heart beats with years of longing.
“You don’t have to,” he says softly. “It’s been a long day. Or night? Either way, you must be tired.”
“I am,” she replies just as softly and sees him deflate. It’s a new year, she reminds herself, and they’ve just taken a step they’ve been stumbling over for years. As tired as she is, as raw as everything still feels, she doesn’t want to leave here. Leave Mulder. It’s a new year, a new day, and she wants to share this newness with him.
“I might fall asleep on you,” she says, smiling, “but I’d love to stay.” Mulder opens the door wider and she steps inside.
They kick off their shoes in shared, comfortable silence. Mulder is smiling so hard that she can’t help but wonder if he’s high on painkillers.
“Want to watch a movie?” Mulder asks, unfolding the blanket that’s draped over the back of the couch. She considers it, and before she knows what she’s doing, she’s shaking her head no.
“I just want to sleep,” she says, her honesty driving heat into her cheeks. Mulder’s mouth forms an oh, but no actual words spill from his lips. His lips. She gently shakes her head to clear it from her thoughts. Maybe she’s the one who’s high, not Mulder.
“I have a bed,” he says, sounding awkward. This is new for them. It’s not the first time she’s stayed over. She knows he has a bed. She’s slept in there. Before, though, there was always a reason. Tonight, there is only want.
“I can sleep out here,” he continues. “On the couch.”
Mulder was the one who took the first step. She can be the one who takes the next. After all, they’re a team.
“No.” She looks at him, her eyes unblinking. “No,” she repeats and he swallows hard, nodding.
His bedroom is dark and neither of them thinks of switching on a light. Their emotions are protected in the shadows, but the rustle of clothing being discarded is a reminder that the other one is there, that this is happening.
“Do you have something I can wear?”
“Of course.” A moment later Mulder hands her one of his shirts. Their fingers touch as she takes it with a gentle thank you. The fabric is soft, feels worn and loved. Without thinking, she brings it to her nose and sniffs.
“It’s clean,” Mulder says with a chuckle.
“I didn’t think it wasn’t,” she admits and is glad that Mulder can’t see her blush in the dim light. She undresses quietly and efficiently, deciding to take her bra off too. The snap is loud in the bedroom and she hears Mulder catch his breath.
“Do you need help with your arm?”
“Just gonna sleep in this shirt,” he says. “Always forget how useful two arms are.”
“I’m just gonna-,” Scully starts, motioning to the bathroom. Mulder nods, touching her back briefly as if sending her on her way. In his bathroom, surrounded by the familiar scent of his shower gel and his shampoo, she takes a deep breath. The toothbrush Mulder gave her months ago is still here, standing next to his as if it were the most normal thing in the world. As she reaches for it, squeezing toothpaste onto it, she thinks it might just be. It fits.
When she returns to his bedroom a few minutes later, Mulder has switched on a bedside lamp. He ‘s sitting on his bed, smiling at her. He gets up, passing her as he takes his turn in the bathroom. Scully stands there, looking at the bed. Exhaustion begs her to step closer and crawl in. She’s just getting comfortable when the bathroom door opens and Mulder steps out with wild and spiky hair.
“Do you want me to check on your shoulder again?” She asks. Maybe she needs a moment longer before this happens. Whatever this is. He shakes his head but doesn’t move. It’s laughable how bad they are at this.
“Is this okay?” She asks him. “I can scoot over.”
“Stay,” he says softly, and then he steps closer, getting into the bed. The mattress dips and she feels her body draw closer to his as if pulled by an invisible force. Mulder turns to her, his eyes scanning her face. He smells minty-fresh, like toothpaste, but also like himself. It makes her want to get even closer to him, bury her nose right where his neck meets his shoulder.
“I feel like I’m dreaming,” he says, blinking slowly.
“Why?” She asks him.
“Because you’re here. Because of what happened earlier.” Their kiss. “I didn’t think-”
“You didn’t think what?”
“That it would ever happen.” He chuckles. “Did you?” His question makes her want to hide under his comforter or pretend that she’s asleep. There’s no escaping him here.
“I was hoping,” she admits quietly.
“I tried just being your friend,” he says with a wistful smile. “Do you remember the hallway, Scully? Before Antarctica?”
“I remember.” When she woke up in yet another hospital, frost biting into her skin, driving her crazy, she thought she’d made it all up. Mulder’s speech, his plea not to leave, his declaration. She convinced herself that it had all been a fever dream. There was no almost kiss in his hallway right before the bee stung her. Until she had to admit to herself that it wasn’t a dream. Even now she remembers the fiery desperation in his eyes, can almost taste the sweet anticipation she’d sampled that day.
“You never tried again.”
“Neither did you,” he says.
“I wasn’t sure that… I didn’t trust my memories. Why didn’t you?” Diana pops into her head like a nightmare.
“Do you have any idea how often I thought about kissing you?” Her eyes grow wide and the memory of the other women that threatened to come between them fades away.
“I-.” But no words come out.
“Each and every time I thought about it… there was always something. I was so scared, Scully. I almost lost you so many times – and for so many different reasons. I didn’t want to be the reason to lose you. I didn’t want to take another chance. All I want is to have you in my life.”
“You have me,” she promises, her voice thick with emotion. She reaches for his hand that’s resting on his chest.
“Have you ever loved someone so much you settled on being friends just to keep them in your life?” Mulder asks her, his eyes glistening.
“Oh, Mulder.” Her hesitation slips away and she moves into his side, kissing his shoulder where his shirt is askew. “I’m not leaving. You’re not losing me. That’s why you said the world didn’t end.” She props her chin up on his chest and considers him
“All the best-laid plans, huh? I thought I’d try it just one more time and then… and then the world didn’t end at all.”
“Why did you think it would? Did you really think I don’t want this?”
“I had a hunch that you might,” he says with a grin. “I just wasn’t sure.”
“That’s never stopped you before.”
“No,” he admits. “And I’m glad it didn’t this time either.”
“I’m glad, too.”
“I know you’re too tired for more, but…” he waggles his eyebrows at her. “What is your opinion on goodnight kisses?”
“I think they’re a neat tradition.” Mindful of his injured shoulder, Scully leans forward. She knows what his lips feel like now, how he tastes. But as soon as their mouth connect, everything is new once more. Her eyes flutter shut, lost in the feel of him, of this second kiss. She deepens it, needing more of him. It’s a new year, and they’re building a new them, starting right now. She’s glad she stayed.