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Alive.
I had been forgetting what that felt like. I never thought that I would be able to feel anything again. Anything but the isolation and the loneliness. But Keigo.
My gods I've never felt so amazing in my… life? Death? It hardly matters.
Nothing matters except that he talks to me and he wants me! Maybe not quite in the way that I want him but he's not ignoring me and each night… we talk. Well, I write on his laptop, and he speaks but gods it's everything I want.
Everything that I felt like I'd be missing.
If only he could see me. Or hear me.
"I wish I had siblings," Keigo said, laying back on his bed. Touya sat next to him, typing away on the computer. "Daisuke and Kyio have been the closest, but they are actually brothers so… it's different I guess."
They care a lot about you.
Keigo smiled, "yeah but there's always a divide you know? They're related by blood and I'm just some intruder in their life. One they like but, still."
You're too harsh on yourself, they love you.
Keigo hummed softly, "maybe too much," he groaned, "talking about Kyio if that wasn't clear."
Touya smiled and shook his head, I got that.
"You know," Keigo said, playing with the ring on his finger, "everything that happened between us?"
Yes.
"You saw?"
Touya hesitated and then.
Yes.
Keigo sighed, turning over on his bed, and burying his head in his pillows. "Ah, that's embarrassing," he cringed and Touya laughed but, of course, Keigo didn't hear anything.
Not embarrassing.
The blonde heard the clicking of the keys and lifted his head, looking at the screen. "Easy for you to say," he muttered, sitting up and crossing his legs together. "I really shouldn't have kissed him," he sighed, running his hands over his face.
It's not a big deal.
Touya typed, lifting his gaze from the screen and then back at Keigo's face.
"Yeah but, I mean you were right there and saw it all. I feel awful about it."
That's your hero nature showing, I'm dead, Keigo, it's not like-
Touya stopped, lifting his fingers from the keys quickly. It's not like I can kiss you.
It's not like we could be together.
He couldn't type that but by the look on Keigo's face it was apparent that he already understood.
"Yeah," Keigo sighed, closing the laptop and falling onto his back again. "I wish I could see you, I bet you're really pretty."
Touya frowned at the closed laptop and moved to the desk, scratching his answer on a piece of paper with pencil.
I'm not.
He set the paper on Keigo's lap and the blonde picked it up.
"Yeah right, that's what all pretty people say. You never think you're pretty, but you always are. I bet your voice is pretty too."
Touya frowned again.
Open laptop.
"Oh, right, sorry. I forgot," Keigo said, opening it back up and typing in his password. Touya smiled
And began typing. "You know, if anyone heard me they'd think I'm crazy, talking to myself. Touya
laughed.
Wouldn't your bad luck mean I'm probably ugly?
Keigo hummed and flipped onto his stomach, "mm, no. I'd probably get the most beautiful and sweet
and gorgeous and kind soulmate because he's unavailable to me. Dead, if you will.
I will.
"Funny too," Keigo said, smiling, "I think you're funny Touya, won't you tell me what you look like?"
Touya let out a breathless sigh and let his fingers hover over the keys. There was no harm in this.
Nothing bad could happen from telling Keigo what he looked like… he was never going to see him
anyway.
I'm wearing loose pants, the hospital kind and that gods awful white gown with the open back. I
don't have any shoes because I didn't die with any on. My hair is white, but it used to be red and I'm
pretty pale, like a ghost if you will- that was a joke, still think I'm funny? Ha, never mind. My eyes used to be blue, I think they might still be, but I can't be sure. I don't like looking in mirrors.
He stopped, feeling as if he was trembling and if he still had a body then maybe he would be trembling.
Keigo was breathing softly, reading through the words carefully. "You sound beautiful," he said but Touya couldn't type anymore. He'd wanted someone to see him for so long, but he never wanted someone to see him as badly as he wanted Keigo to see him right now. "Touya?"
He hovered over the keys,
This is too hard.
He typed, shaking his head.
"What do you mean?"
If Touya could cry, he'd be crying again.
If we… I don't want to hold you back Keigo. I'm dead. You're not. We can't ever be together in the way that we should be. Doing this, talking to each other like this… it's too hard. You can't see me or hear me and I- I can't do this, I love you too much.
Keigo inhaled sharply as the words formed on the screen, "love me? You love me."
Damn it, birdie, how could I not? Nothing could possibly be worse than a ghost falling in love with a human. This can't happen, it's not possible and we're kidding ourselves to try.
"Woah, wait, Touya it's only been a couple weeks. I'm not saying we should get married, not that it's even possible but… we can just talk like this. I'm fine with it."
Because you can be heard Keigo. And I can see you but you can't see me or hear me and you'll never be able to touch me and I can't deal with this. You're going to grow old and I'm not. I'm dead.
"Touya-"
"I'm dead," Touya whispered to himself, wishing more than anything that he could cry. He closed the laptop and stood from the bed. Sometimes he forgot about it all. He'd gotten so accustomed to how he was feelings that he forgot what it really meant.
Keigo made him feel alive, but he was dead.
Nothing was ever going to chance that.
"Touya?" Keigo asked but Touya didn't move. He didn't touch Keigo and didn't let his existence be shown. "Are you still here?"
"Maybe if you could see me. Maybe if you could hear me." Touya said and stood, "I'm sorry. This is too hard; I'll still keep watch over you but… maybe talking isn't such a good idea."
Keigo dragged his feet as he walked to the grocery store. Kiyo walked beside him, frowning as Keigo's wings ran along the ground, collecting dirt. He hadn't smiled in weeks, no matter how many jokes Kiyo made.
Each time he was made fun of by Ayaka, Keigo barely lifted his head, he never made eye contact and he didn't say anything at all. He spent half his time staring out of the window, scribbling notes on paper but barely paying attention to what he was writing.
Maybe he hadn't loved Touya… but Keigo thought he might have been able to. He didn't know if Touya was right or wrong about talking to him. If it was a road that would only ever lead to heartbreak but he had wanted to try. If getting his heart broken was unavoidable, Keigo would have wanted it to be with Touya.
And sure, they had only been talking for a little while but it was the happiest he had felt. He connected with Touya on a level that he never thought he could.
"Hey," Kiyo said, nudging Keigo's arm twice. Keigo swatted his hand away. "Hey!" he exclaimed.
Keigo sighed, his shoulders hunched down, "what?" he asked, not bothering to look up and deciding to keep walking.
"You're being lame," Kiyo muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. Keigo didn't say anything. He didn't even want to go on this outing… it was forced upon him by none of than Daisuke and Kiyo. Something about being holed up in his room for too long. "Come on, Kei," Kiyo said, "all you've been doing for the last three weeks is homework, training and fucking studying in your room. You never go out with us anymore."
Keigo stared at his feet, "I'm out right now," his voice hoarse. He had been crying only an hour before they left.
"This doesn't count." Kiyo said and Keigo shrugged.
"I don't like going out," he said, shoving his hands in his pocket. The ring on his finger was heavy, a weight that reminded him of the person who abandoned him. His soulmate who was dead.
"No, but you always used to for me," Kiyo said, frowning. He grabbed Keigo's arm but Keigo yanked it out of his grasp and kept walking. He didn't want to be out any longer than he had to be.
"Maybe I just don't care about you that much anymore," Keigo snapped, and he didn't mean it. Not really, Kiyo had always been there for him. It wasn't fair but he couldn't exactly tell Kiyo why he was depressed… right?
He'd think he was going crazy… right?
Kiyo stopped in his tracks, eyes filling with tears, "you don't mean that," he said, voice shaking. Keigo came to a stop and let out an uneven breath.
He didn't mean it. He didn't. "I do," he whispered, feeling his chest constrict and tighten. He didn't want to cry in front of Kiyo. Because he cried then it meant something was wrong. It meant that someone else would see that Touya left him.
They weren't ever together but Touya still left.
But his knees buckled, and he dropped to the ground. Skin split as they hit the concrete, but Keigo couldn't bother to care about the pain. He clutched his chest, head hanging as the tears came down, along with the horrible sobs that were ripped from his throat.
"Keigo!" Kiyo called and kneeled next to him. He pulled Keigo close to him but Keigo pushed him away.
"Get off of me!" he choked out, pushing at Kiyo's body hard. "I hate you!" Kiyo fell back by the strength of Keigo's arms, landing on the ground. He looked at him with betrayal, eyes pooling with tears. He stood eventually as Keigo wrapped himself in his wings, isolating himself.
Kiyo left, his heart filled with pain and betrayal. Keigo didn't look up once.
Touya watched from across the street, Keigo on the ground, crying on the chest of his friend before pushing him roughly He watched as he ached to be the one comforting him. It was hard now, he knew, but Keigo would move on eventually… it was the right thing to do.
It's been two months and I haven't been able to leave Keigo behind. I've stopped talking to him sure but I don't think I'll ever be able to distance myself. He's as beautiful as ever but the depression I caused him still has a grip on his heart.
I'm starting to wonder if I've just made everything worse.
Maybe his bad luck wasn't me dying, maybe it was me coming back.
"We're going to the beach this weekend, will you come?" Daisuke asked, sitting on Keigo's bed as the blonde read his seventh book that week. His finished homework was at the bottom of his bed, along with a few textbooks that he'd taken notes on.
"No," Keigo said simply. He wasn't pushing them away so much anymore but that didn't mean he wanted to go out. He wasn't an outgoing person to begin with.
"Come on Kei, you can't stay inside forever," Daisuke said and Keigo looked up from his book and at his knees which were wrapped with a clean cloth. The remnants of going out to the grocery store three days ago.
"Yes, I can," he said, "I'd rather not get injured again."
"You won't," Daisuke said, "we're worried about you," he said and Keigo rolled his eyes.
"Then you won't take me to the beach, I'd probably end up drowning… on second thought, maybe I should go- put me out of my misery." He said and Daisuke would have thought he was joking were not for the dead seriousness in his voice.
Daisuke's eyes went wide, "Kei come on you don't mean that."
Keigo's eyes narrowed, "don’t I?" he asked, setting the book down on the table next to his bed.
"Keigo, what the hell happened? I know you've never been the happiest person, but you never used to be like this. I don't think I've seen your smile once in the last month." He asked, and Keigo shrugged.
"Not much to smile about."
"Kei, even Ayaka is worried about you."
"Like hell she it," Keigo muttered, reaching to the end of his bed and grabbing a textbook, opening it up and taking a pen from where he had tossed it off to the side.
"She is. Says it's no fun to bully you if you're unresponsive." Daisuke said and Keigo scoffed.
"How very sweet of her," he said sarcastically, underlining and making a note for a particularly important section of the book. Daisuke yanked it out of his hands.
"Listen to me Keigo!" he exclaimed and Keigo scowled at him.
"What?" he snapped, "am I supposed to be all happy and giddy when my life is literally fucking cursed with bad luck?" His eyes narrowed into deadly slits and Daisuke feared that he saw the commission's influence in them. That he truly had nothing else to live for but the commission.
More than that, he was shocked by what Keigo had said. Literally cursed with bad luck. It sounded ridiculous but Keigo wasn't one to joke… at least not anymore.
"What do you mean?" he asked but Keigo only rolled his eyes and shrugged.
"Doesn’t matter- fuck you," he added and this time it was Daisuke's turn to roll his eyes.
"You're a pain in my ass," Daisuke said, suddenly grabbing Keigo's arm and yanking him up. The blonde hissed as his scabbing knees opened up a bit.
"Bitch!" he yelled, and Daisuke glared at him.
"You never used to curse so much either, tell me what happened." He demanded. Keigo yanked his arm back and crossed them over his chest.
"No," he bit then realizing his mistake.
"So something did happen," Daisuke said and Keigo scoffed, turning away.
"Fuck you," Keigo said. He walked to his closet and yanked a hoodie off a hanger before sliding it out. Detaching and then reattaching his feather in the holes in the back of the jacket. "I'm going on a run." He pulled on his door handle but it remained closed. Keigo looked at Daisuke whose hand was out, glowing a soft green.
"You're not," he said firmly. Keigo glared at him.
"Stop using your quirk on me," he said, voice dipping low.
"I'm using it on the door," Daisuke said and Keigo yanked on it again.
"I hate you," Keigo spat, his sadness turning into anger.
Daisuke's body flared in green, the effect of his telekinetic quirk. "Did the commission do something to you?" he asked though it wasn't really a question, "you've changed. Out of nowhere you changed- it's like everything that made you, you was sucked out and changed into hate and aggression. If you keep going like this you'll end up as a heartless, cold killer machine for the commission, is that what you want? Kiyo's given up on you, he thinks you don't give a shit about him anymore, but I know that's not true. Don't you know how much you hurt him, do you even care?" Keigo's eyes burned with tears that he prayed didn't show.
"I don't care," he said but his voice was tight, an easy sign of his lies, "and I don't care about you, or Kiyo or anyone here!" he lied again but unlike Kiyo, Daisuke didn't believe him or let him get away with it.
"You're a liar, Keigo! You always have been. You lie about how you feel for the sake of others and now you're lying for the sake of yourself. I don't believe you don't care; I don't believe that this happened out of nowhere. So, I'm going to ask you again and you're going to fucking answer me, what the hell happened to you?"
Keigo swallowed hard but stayed silent, yanking on the door again.
Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around him, spinning him around and holding him tight. Daisuke was taller than him and unlike with Kiyo, Daisuke was stronger. Keigo couldn't push him away and he felt his chest tighten.
Still, he didn't say anything.
"Keigo," he said, whispering, "all of us are here because we don't have our parents anymore. I'm lucky enough to have my brother and I was lucky enough to find another one. You are family, Keigo, and we're the only one's you've got. The commission wants to break us down and strip our personalities to be nothing but killer machines to do their bidding and theirs alone. I got out, I need Kiyo to get out and I need you to get out without becoming like them. I'd never give up on Kiyo and I'm not giving up on you. You're my brother Keigo, whether you like it or not."
Daisuke pulled back, hands on Keigo' shoulder and looking at his face. The blonde's lips wobbled; his golden eyes glossed over in tears.
"I-" Keigo tried but stopped as he choked on his words, he shook his head, "you won't believe me," he whispered but Daisuke disagreed.
"Talk to me Keigo, and I'll believe every word. I trust you," Daisuke said and the tears in Keigo's eyes fell, the glass wall he'd built around his heart fell in shards, crumbling with the mask.
"He left me," Keigo said, just barely speaking loud enough for Daisuke to hear.
"Who left you?" Daisuke asked, guiding Keigo to the bed to sit.
Keigo swallowed his fear and wiped at his face, "Touya."
"You expect me to believe you were talking to the ghost of your soulmate?" Kiyo scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. Keigo sat on his bed with Daisuke and Kiyo, his eyes red and puffy.
"Kiyo," Daisuke snapped, "don't be an ass, listen." He said and Kiyo let out a breath. He was hurt- Keigo knew that.
"Why should I believe anything he says?" Kiyo asked and Keigo understood. Why should they believe him? He's given them no reason to. Except…
"Because he's trusting us," Daisuke said, "don't you want our Keigo back?" he asked and Kiyo nodded shortly.
"Yeah," he muttered.
"Then shut up and listen, I believed him."
"Fine." Kiyo said, sighing and again Keigo swallowed his fear. They were listening and there were worse things than just admitting the truth. Like losing Touya.
Keigo didn't think he'd ever get over it. He wondered if Touya was still watching over him- nothing terrible had happened to him recently but that didn't mean Touya was there.
"The night we did the Ouija board," Keigo said, "after you all left, I used it again. He said his name was Touya, he said… he said that a fire put him in a coma and he died after three years suddenly. It was because of me- because of my bad luck that he died. There was no reason he should have died so suddenly except… if he hadn't then we would have met. He told me that he saw me and felt a need to keep me safe to keep me alive. Apparently, my bad luck is pretty intense… apparently he saved my life a bunch. Touya said that when we learned who our soulmates were, he was there. And the woman confirmed it for him, then he told me. I didn't have any reason not to believe him but when he touched me-"
"Hold on, you said he was a ghost, how could he touch you?" Kiyo asked, biting the words.
Keigo looked at him carefully, rubbing at his eyes, "it's wasn't physical, I didn't feel him btu I felt… something. His energy I guess, it was cold. He also told me that I was legitimately cursed, that a witch told him that."
"Oh, come on, witches and ghost?" Kiyo muttered, "what is this Halloween town?" he asked and Keigo smiled softly.
"That's what I said," he recalled, "Touya said he'd always stay around me to keep me safe. So we kept talking, he'd type on my laptop and I'd answer normally. I could never actually see him or hear him but… I felt something. Like I was around the person I belonged with. He told me he loved me… but it was too hard to talk to me because I couldn't ever see him… because he was dead." Tears fell Keigo's cheeks, "that was a month ago and I haven't talked to him since."
Kiyo let out a steady breath, "you're not lying?" he asked and Keigo shook his head.
"I wish I was."
"And that's why you've been espresso depresso?"
"Nice Kiyo," Daisuke said, punching his arm.
"What? Am I wrong?"
"You could be more sensitive," he said, and Kiyo frowned.
"He sounds like an ass, telling Keigo that he loved him right before leaving, I wouldn't bother crying over him."
"Kiyo!" Daisuke yelled punching his arm again.
"Ow! What? I'm not wrong, am I?" Kiyo looked at Keigo who shrugged.
"I don't think he's an ass," Keigo said quietly, "I think he's hurting. I can't imagine it's easy being a ghost with no one able to see or hear him, except for creepy witches."
Kiyo frowned, "that's not an excuse."
"Isn't it though?" Keigo asked, "I mean, imagine living and then dying and then finding the person you're meant to be with and being unable to been seen or heard!" Keigo sighed, scrubbing the tears off his face, "anyways, it doesn't matter. He's gone."
"Is he?" Daisuke asked, "you haven't gotten into any accidents lately."
"I've barely left my room," Keigo pointed out.
"As if that ever stopped your bad luck," Kiyo muttered and, well, he was right.
"You think… he's still here?" Keigo asked.
Touya hopped down from Keigo's desk, sighing breathlessly and sitting on the bed. Gods, he loved Keigo so much but he knew it was so much better if they didn't talk.
"Of course, I'm still here baby," Touya whispered, reaching for Keigo before dropping his hand to his side, "I'm sorry I went silent but it's for the best."
"Why don’t you ask?" Touya heard Daisuke suggest and he watched as Keigo shook his head.
"I don't want to get hurt anymore," he said and the sadness in his voice almost made Touya change his mind.
"Fuck that," Kiyo said, "I'll kick his ass if he doesn't answer you."
"He a ghost, Kiyo," Keigo muttered, "if for some reason you could even see him, you couldn't touch him. I just… I miss him a lot."
Daisuke looked up suddenly, "Keigo, did you fall in love with him?"
Immediately, tears formed in the blonde's eyes. He dropped his head and nodded once. "I didn't mean to," he whispered, "I knew it was a bad idea, I mean it's not like we could have had a future."
"Exactly," Touya said.
"But I couldn't help falling in love," Keigo said and even though he had already admitted to it, there was something about him saying it out loud that made Touya hurt in ways that he hadn't ever hurt before. Not even when he was dying. Touya wished more than anything that he could be seen. That he could feel Keigo and touch him because Touya would kiss him. He would kiss Keigo and tell him how sorry he was for coming to his life and ruining it with his presence.
Daisuke stood suddenly as took the laptop from Keigo's desk, opening it up.
"Ask him, Kei," he said, "if he loves you like he said he did then he'd answer." Keigo shook his head until Daisuke held onto his hand, "if he's here, the he's heard you right? He knows your feelings now, would he really be able to stay silent after that?" he asked.
"No," Touya said, looking at Keigo and waiting for him to ask. He couldn't ever stay silent after that. Keigo let out a breath.
"Touya," he said, voice quiet- desperate, "are you still here?" He stared at the computer screen as the letters appeared. As Touya typed without hesitation.
YES.
Daisuke and Kiyo stared in shock, clear evidence of the truth.
The tears in Keigo's eyes fell and he held up his hand. "Touch me," Keigo said, desperate.
Touya moved past Keigo's hand and held onto his face gently. The blonde gasped slightly and though Touya knew he couldn't feel it, he knew it was only cold, he let his lips linger on Keigo's. The blonde shivered as Touya pulled away, touching his lips softly.
IM SORRY.
Touya typed but Keigo only shook his head, "please don't leave again," he whispered, and Daisuke stood, walking out with Kiyo- giving Keigo space.
I still don't think it's a good idea. Touya typed, but I've never left you alone.
"I don't care if it hurt me," Keigo said, "you heard me, didn't you? I love you, Touya." He said frantically, staring at the computer screen.
Probably the worst idea you've ever had.
Keigo laughed as he cried, "it's your fault idiot," he exclaimed, rubbing at his face, "tell me you love me again."
I love you.
"Again?"
I love you.
"You won't leave again, will you? I'm not going to ever be with anyone else with or without you in my life." Keigo said and Touya smiled softly.
You realize your boyfriend will be a ghost yes?
"Of course I realize that," Keigo snapped but there was no bite behind it. "I don't care what anyone will think," he said.
I can't touch you either.
"I know that Touya," Keigo said, excitement on his face, "but I want you."
Touya reached forward and set his hand just above Keigo's arm.
I want you more than life.
I know it's a bad idea but I don't think either of us benefit from being apart. I'm not sure how we will make it work but if he's willing to try then so am I.
And I don't think I'll ever be able to deny him anything.