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Distantly, Luz knows she’s being irrational.
She knows her anger is misplaced. Amity’s deep frown and the slow turn of her head made Luz want to fade into the ground and disappear forever. Even more so when all that followed was her footsteps fading into nothing and the harsh sound of the front door closing.
She wants nothing more than to chase after her and apologize until her throat is raw with guilt. But her feet feel heavy and instead Luz sinks to the floor. She buries her head behind her arms and sniffles into the texture of her jeans.
It’s been a long day. The night before was a cluster of nightmares and school had been unusually painful to sit through. Magic school is significantly better to Luz. She knows every aspect of it has been a far better fit for her than human school.
But between some cryptic stares of other students and the ball of anxious energy in her chest, it just couldn’t move fast enough. And then Amity slid into the seat next to her during lunch and happily asked about hanging out after school. Luz had agreed to the study date because she always does, because she always wants to. Spending time with Amity is her favorite thing to do.
Of course at some point the studying had detoured and Luz found herself staring blankly at the textbook. The words meshed and the soft voice of her girlfriend became a puddle of nonsense. Of course the abominations student would be worried. Amity was just being curious and asking harmless questions, Luz knows. And yet—
A ferocious, unbridled sense of anger bites and claws at her head until it becomes too cloudy to make sense of. Her words taste foreign as they are spewed from her mouth and it leaves a bitter, awful aftertaste that no amount of water can remove. It is not in Luz’s nature to be unkind. She tries her best to be positive in her words. Enough cruelty was spoken to her by classmates who misunderstood her that she’s vowed to do her best to be amiable.
Luz, if one thing, is a genuine person. She searches to find that piece of altruism and apply it to everyone she cares about. She clings to her friendliness, the good will that she's desperately learned to keep close like a promise, but there is still an unmanageable anger that ties up everything good when it becomes too much to bear.
She deeply hates that part of herself. She hates many parts of herself. Those are the feelings she tucks away for late night journal entries or sour confessions to bedroom walls. Some parts are sharp and jagged. And sometimes they perturbe, deflating dependent kindness that she always leans into. Those are the kinds of parts she tries to hide.
The kind she's deemed unworthy for the person Luz knows she wants to be.
The stretching silence of her now empty bedroom, the teenager doesn't hear the door creak open, nor the hesitant voice of the head peeking in. She doesn't move or make any notion that she’s heard them until the person lowers themselves beside her and gently pokes her shoulder.
Luz flinches. She brings her head and blinks wide-eyed at the boy sitting beside her. His mess of blonde hair is moppy on his head and he looks two seconds away from sleep. Luz gives him a long, tightened expression. It slowly melts away until it's just hidden beneath creased eyebrows and a downward slant of her lips.
“Are you okay? You look tired,” Luz points out slowly. She tilts her head at the boy, taking in the slightly dazed film in his eyes. Hunter merely gives her a quizzical look with a droplet of disbelief. He pushes away her worried hands with a sigh of exasperation.
“ I’m fine. More importantly, why do you look like that? And why did Amity just storm out?” Hunter questions. Luz deflects his skeptical and hardened stare. She relaxes her chin on her knees and does her best to ignore how sickly her stomach feels.
“It’s nothing,” Luz sighs. She knows her lie falls flat. It’s obvious, even to herself. Which makes it worse when Hunter shifts closer to her. His eyes narrow and his presence becomes that much more .
Nausea grows in the back of her throat when that familiar, harsh ire burns a fire. Hunter doesn’t deserve her warp of anger. That much Luz can think about clearly as he peers at her in the corner of her eyes. He’s concerned. He wants to know why she’s upset, because from her hunched shoulder and shaky hands, something is wrong. They’re friends—siblings. They help each other because that’s what friends do.
She can think back to the endless nights they spent together when they were stuck in the human realm. They leaned onto each other. Hunter, too used to vigilance and long nights without sleep and Luz, who’s brain refuses to rest when she’s anxious. They were open books and whispered confessions.
But it isn’t enough. Not when that too-hot-to-touch guilt and self-hatred is boiling over and stains everything else.
“I’m fine, Hunter. This isn’t your problem,” Luz spits. Her tone is icy. It lacks any usual warmth that always hugs her thoughts.
For a moment, Hunter backs his upper body away. He frowns, looking mildly offended. Then it just as quickly dissipated. He looks away. Nodding knowingly, Hunter straightens his back and turns to face one of his closest friends with a sympathetic, but serious stare. He rolls up his shoulders.
“You make everyone else’s problems yours too. Why can’t I do the same for you? Why is it so hard for you to let other people help you too?” He questions, leveling with the younger girl. Luz jerks back and folds up tighter on herself. The skin on her lips is starting to bleed from how hard she’s tugging on it.
It’s a harsh truth she’s been told endlessly at this point of her life. Dependable, trustworthy Luz who deflects anyone else who offers their supportive graces. Kind, patient Luz who refuses the same attentive care for herself.
She buries her head in her arms, flinching slightly when Hunter lays a gentle hand on her back. Through the muffling of her voice, she forces out words for the concerned boy beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she croaks out weakly. Luz rubs her eye roughly on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. It makes the sensitive skin around her eyes burn and itch. “I don’t know..I don’t know how. ”
Luz finally lifts her face up. Hunter stares at her gently. A flicker of understanding lights up in his eyes. He sighs, lifting his hand up and setting it down in his lap. She misses the contact as soon as it’s gone.
“I get that,” he mumbles. Hunter brushes her foot with his and sends her a timtid, empathetic smile. She doesn’t return it.
The girl’s eyes quickly return with more salty tears at Hunter’s kindness. It feels so undeserving, only making that bubble of hate grow in her chest. He is reluctant to strip away his empathy, even in the face of her anger. In some fashion, Luz knows Hunter gets her. He understands what it’s like to have so much unaddressed rage. It may sprout from different origins, but it feels so similar.
Luz has been there to comfort him in his nastier feelings. Hunter is simply returning the favor. And still… still.
“Hey, hey. Just focus on me, okay? What can I do for you?” Hunter asks in his soft voice, the one that’s nudged away from the world. She feels her heart physically ache at his tone. He is so often tough for his age. Softness is his quiet truth that is hidden from the world.
Luz shakes her head and continues to helplessly wipe at her wet eyes that seem to be pouring out quicker than she can manage. It stirs an unfamiliar hurt. She can’t remember the last time she cried before today.
The teenager opens her mouth, only to clamp it shut when she struggles to find the right words. There is so much. And so all at once. It’s like her world is actively crushing around her shaky body and there isn’t anything to stop it. Luz curls up tighter, brushing away Hunter’s hesitant embrace.
Oh how she longs for physical comfort. Amity is so good at that. But Amity is upset and Luz wants to chase after her and say she doesn’t mean to say things like that. Words just come out with such ferocity and speed that the fifteen year old can’t keep up. She is trapped, helpless and alone in a landslide.
That’s not me, Luz wants to say. That’s not me. My anger is not all of me.
Hunter shuffles into standing beside her. He presses his hand lightly onto her shoulder. “Sorry, Luz. I’m calling in the enforcement.” Eda , is what that’s code for.
Initially, Luz wants to tell him no, that she doesn’t need her. She can handle these onslaught of terrible feelings on her own. She can brave the harshest thoughts without her. But for a moment, Luz falters and her hands flattens against the wood floor.
She is angry, and she’s sad and she doesn’t know why. Eda is kind. She’s warm when she says she isn’t. And Eda won’t make her go away because she gets it too. So often life feels like it’s spinning out of reach. But people are safe now. People are happy. And for the most part, Luz is too.
These moments catch her off guard, though. And they rock her until she falls until she can do nothing but sink into the dark ache.
Luz watches Hunter quickly exit her room and head towards wherever the older witch was last seen. She lowers her head and pushes her cries against her knees, hoping the walls catch them like a secret and don’t let anyone know just how much she hates how her brain works.
-
Eda heard the door slam, but she hadn’t even flinched. Titan knows she hears enough slamming doors after taking in rowdy, excitable kids. Hell, she’d be more worried if she didn’t hear unexpected, loud noises every five minutes.
It’s not until Hunter is briskly walking into the kitchen that she finds herself beginning to worry. The blonde kid’s casual presence is still slightly jarring to her. It feels just a short while ago he was dangling them over the boiling sea. But those days are far and gone and she even really likes him. He’s surprisingly a great little cook.
Hunter pulls on her arm, despite his usual distaste for physical touches that aren’t from his close friends, and nods her in the direction out of the kitchen. Eda frowns, lifting one eyebrow as she allows herself to be led away.
“Sorry, it’s just—“ he looks at her with a bit of panic in the corner of his eyes, “—Luz needs you. I don’t know why she’s upset but she’s crying and—“
“Well dang kid, why didn’t you just start with that?” Eda loosens herself free and steers herself up the stairs even quicker. Naturally, it doesn’t take much other than ‘Luz’ and ‘upset’ to lure Eda upstairs.
When it comes to her kids, she’ll do just about anything for them. That may be a teasing point for people around her, but motherhood is a role she’s found herself to quite naturally take to. If she gets a few hand-cupped whispers and or sly comments that ‘she’s gone soft’ then so be it.
Her kids are important to her. If they asked her for the word she’d do her damnedest to give it. This reigns true when she can finally spot Luz. The sight is a heartbreakingly-familiar image.
Hunter lingers just outside the doorway when they both arrive at the girl’s slightly messy bedroom. Eda pauses at the entrance. She takes a minute to collect herself before walking in. It always feels extra awful when Luz is upset. She’s grown so used to her kid’s typical happy and extra-hyper behavior, that her low moments feel especially hard to witness.
But Eda shakes off her own feelings. Luz needs her, even if she won’t directly say it. She is always going to be there to offer her support.
Slowly, Eda sinks to the ground next to the fifteen year old. She makes an attempt to make her movements extra loud as some forewarning. Luz doesn’t bother looking up. The girl stiffens before slightly relaxing when Eda runs her nails down her growing hair. The curls are soft and twist around the witche’s gentle fingers. She sighs softly, scooting closer until there’s only an inch or two between them.
“Hey, kid,” she whispers warmly. She hears Luz sniffle and make an odd sound at the back of her throat. Eda knows her kid like the back of her hand. The fifteen-year-old is prone to hiding her problems until it’s too late and they’re bursting out for everyone to see. It’s something Eda knows to be familiar.
There are some traits she wishes she didn’t recognize in her kin.
“Can I give you a hug?” Eda asks. She pauses her hand and waits for a response. After a while, the teenager shakes her head. The older witch frowns largely at this. Physical touch is the kid’s love language. It’s rare that she ever actively denies it.
Luz turns her head, revealing her hidden expression. Eda can finally get a peek at her face. She struggles to find words when she’s met with reddened eyes and tear streaked cheeks. Her lip wobbles and Eda wants to scoop her up and make sure nothing ever hurts her kid again.
“Alright, that’s okay,” Eda softens her voice as if speaking to a much younger child, “what can I do for you, then?”
“I feel bad, ” Luz shudders. It comes out harsh, like a criticism towards someone much more cruel than herself. Eda glances towards Hunter. He’s moved in a little more, now sitting against a wall a few feet away. His hands are rubbing at his face, trying to decipher her words himself.
“Bad how? Eda asks. She leans foward to get a better look at the teenager.
“I’m a bad person,” she clarifies. Luz furrows her brows.
“Luz…” Hunter audibly sighs.
“Cmon, kid. That’s not—“
Luz shakes her head and cuts off Eda. “ I am. I was mean to Amity and she didn’t deserve it. I ruin things and I’m trying so hard , but words aren’t coming out right. I’m sorry. Aren’t you mad at me? You should be. Because of me you got hurt and I never think before I do things, and—“
“Hey, wait!” Eda sharply intervenes. Luz stops, clamping her mouth shut and staring at her witch mom anxiously. It’s practically pooling from her chest. “We’ve been over this, kiddo. You being in my life has been the best thing to happen to me. And besides King, you are the person I care the most about. You made me better, don’t forget that.”
She struggles to hold back the urge to tug the teenager into a hug. But she abides by her previous denial and keeps her hands in her lap. “I’m good now, okay? Better than I ever have been. I decide what hurts me. And you didn’t. You never have.”
Luz opens her mouth, but Eda holds up her hand to stop her. “I get it, kid. You’ve been hurt. And that makes you a little angry sometimes. I get that, I really do. It’s okay to be angry. But you can’t let guilt rot your brain. It’ll eat you up otherwise.”
“I made bad mistakes, and I’ve hurt so many people,” she whispers in return. Eda sighs.
“Mistakes, exactly. Just means you have to own up to them and call em’ yours. Look, your entire life is gonna be full of em— mistakes. That’s not wrong, that just is. Titan knows I’ve made hundreds. You just have to grow from them. And be better. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just a regular one.”
“Yeah, and you’re pretty dumb if you think you’re a bad person,” Hunter pipes up. Eda turns to him with a roll of her eyes. He throws his hands up in defense. “What? You helped me and you helped Eda. Oh and Amity. Oh and—“
“I think we get it, kid,” Eda chuckles. She turns back to her kid with motherly softness. “See what we mean? A couple mistakes don’t make you a bad person. There are actually bad people out there, and you, my dear, are not one.”
Luz curls into herself even tighter. Eda eyes her cautiously. “Can I give you a hug?” She asks once more. And finally, she’s given a little nod. At this, the older witch throws her arm around and pulls the kid in until Luz is leaning against her.
Eda brushes her fingers against the girl’s forehead to move hair away from her face. And then, very gently, she presses a kiss near the temple of her head. It works the smallest amount, drawing a weak sniffle and the upturn of the kid’s head.
Luz blinks widely at her, still adjusting to Eda’s sporadic use of affection. Outside of hair ruffles and nose flicks, the Owl Lady isn’t one to outwardly display her love. But Eda gently holds the girl’s head and tucks it against her chest. She whimpers weakly, but at least the tears have subsided for the moment being.
“You’re a kid,” Eda hums, moving to rub her boney hand up and down Luz’s arm, “this is the prime time to mess up. You’re gonna screw up so many times it’ll be comical. And that’s okay. That’s good. It means you get to learn, understand me? Teenagers are wild little beasts with so many raging hormones—“
“ Eda ,” Luz whines slightly. The older witch stifles a laugh. Hunter finds it in him to press his lips into a half-amused smile.
“Hey, I was your age too! I know look old, but I remember being a teenager and making dumb mistakes. As long as you own up to them, make them right, then you’ve got nothing to stress over. Your girlfriend is obsessed with you as much as you are with her. She’ll forgive you.”
“What if I don’t deserve it? I was mean,” Luz mumbles, rubbing her sweatshirt over her nose in a poor attempt to clean her face.
“What? Everyone is mean sometimes. When your head gets a little cloudy, things come out a little bit worse than usual. Saying crappy stuff here and there doesn’t make you a crappy person. Admit what you said, apologize and be better. That's all you can do. Take it from the CEO of accidentally saying crappy things, kiddo.”
Luz sighs. She tightens her grip around the witch.
“I also know you, Luz. You’re the kindest person I know. You’ll make it right. You always do.”
The girl nibbles on her lip. “Okay,” she breathes out after a minute. Her voice wobbles and she doesn’t sound completely sure of herself, but Eda doesn’t question her. She nods, giving her a kind look that she wasn’t so comfortable making until she found herself in the company of two chaotic, but incredible kids.
Before a muscle can even twitch, Luz grapples into the sleeve of Eda’s dress. Her fingers curl around the fabric so childlike and desperately that the cursed witch sort of wants to cry. She often forgets how young Luz is until she showcases her sensitive feelings.
“Please don’t–“ Luz mumbles weakly, nuzzling herself closer to feel a relief from the tsunami that is her thoughts,”–don’t leave me yet.”
Her voice sounds astounding young, a tremble beneath her words makes Eda soften. She coils her arm around the girl, pressing another kiss against her temple as she shakes her head.
“I would never. You’re important to me,” she returns tenderly, “besides, who could ever leave a nerd like you?”
Hunter laughs. “Biggest nerd ever.”
Luz frowns, though it looks more out of disbelief than anything. Her face is still pressed up against Eda’s side as she opens her mouth to interject.
“You literally told me you wanted to start cosplaying with me. You like the same show our mom did like twenty years ago. You’re the biggest nerd here!”
She then looks up at Eda. “And you know way more random facts than the average person should.”
Eda gasps. She clutches her chest in a dramatic show of fake offense. “Attacked! By my own kid! Geez. The audacity children have these days, I mean really—“
The witch is promptly cut off when Luz abandons her side and chucks a pillow at her head. When Hunter laughs, she picks it up to toss at him. He gives a shout and dashes out, screaming something along the lines of “i didn’t even do anything!”.
Eda wraps her arm around the fifteen year old to give her a parently noogie. Luz laughs and attempts to slither away, put it’s no avail to Eda’s crazy amount of strength.
Breathless and now smiling, Luz stares up at the woman with tear tracks that are almost gone.
“Thanks,” she says earnestly. Though Eda doesn’t really need to hear it. Her kids sort really have her wrapped their finger/claw (though she will always actively deny this or King will tease her beyond her days).
“No problem, kiddo. What I’m here for. I’m almost done with dinner. We can go down and eat and wait for your mom. Then you can figure it out with your little girlfriend. Sound like a plan, goober?”
“A plan,” Luz confirms, “what’d you make?”
“A surprise! Cmon,” Eda nudges her and abruptly stands, making the girl nearly fall flat on her face. “Last one to the table is a rotten griffin egg!”
A whine in the form of “Eda!” Is the last thing she hears as she rounds the corner.