Work Text:
“That feeling for your first love, it never goes away does it?” Bai Lang had said, quietly one day. They were sitting together, knee to knee on his couch. His eyes were downcast, looking at the cup of tea in his hands.
It was frustrating. They had been talking about the two of them - Jin Xun-An and Bai Lang. They had been talking about how close they had become, how they felt like they were moving forward. And then suddenly, Bai Lang was focusing on Qi-Ran again.
It wasn’t that Jin Xun-An didn’t understand. He did. The circumstance with Qi-Ran was still influential to the pieces they were working out, still a factor influencing how both Jin Xun-An and Bai Lang understood Jin Xun-An’s feelings for Bai Lang.
But, regardless of what Jin Xun-An had told Bai Lang about their relationship back then, he still didn’t seem to understand.
“Bai Lang,” Jin Xun-An said, placing his hand gently, but solidly on Bai Lang’s thigh. “I told you, my feelings from that time are complicated. I see them differently now.”
Bai Lang’s eyes flicked up, something soft in them, something uncertain. “Xun-An,” he said, breathing in deeply and then continuing, “I'm talking about my feelings for you.”
The words hit Jin Xun-An like a tidal wave, almost knocking the breath out of him. He had thought he understood all of how Bai Lang was feeling, that they were growing together, that they wanted each other, that they were trusting each other to try.
But this. It wasn’t what Jin Xun-An had expected now. It forced Jin Xun-An to rearrange so many things Bai Lang had said in his mind. Yes, he probably had sometimes been talking about his fears about Jin Xun-An’s former attachment to Qi-Ran, but he was also talking about his own feelings. His feelings for Jin Xun-An.
It was hard to take in. He was certain Bai Lang cared for him. He was adamant Bai Lang wanted to be together like this. But as Jin Xun-An dug at his own reaction, it was clear he hadn’t dared to hope for this yet.
“I hope so,” Jin Xun-An said, answering Bai Lang’s former question. He took Bai Lang’s cup and set it on the table then reached for Bai Lang’s hand, pressing it between his two palms. “If you’re saying that’s me,” he said, dipping his head to meet Bai Lang’s eyes again and raising an eyebrow.
Bai Lang shifted his eyes away again. It had clearly been hard for him to say those words and he was pulling inward, as if trying to protect himself from whatever would happen next.
Jin Xun-An squeezed Bai Lang’s hand. Bai Lang still sat there quietly. It felt like Jin Xun-An should explain his feelings, to reassure Bai Lang, but also make his perspective clear. “But, the thing I’ve realized from being with you is that there are so many different kinds of affection, different kinds of relationships. I had feelings for Qi-Ran, but it wasn’t about the two of us, as partners. It wasn’t about us figuring out what we both needed. It wasn’t something we were in together. So could you call that love?”
Bai Lang nodded, chewing on his lip. He still felt anxious. Jin Xun-An didn’t like that.
He moved closer to Bai Lang, grasping him at the back of his neck, the spot that Jin Xun-An so easily gravitated to now. The place where he could hold Bai Lang and feel like he was truly there, truly listening, truly open to Jin Xun-An. Bai Lang met his eyes, solid, unflinching. And so, Jin Xun-An said, “This feels like a first for me in ways I never imagined. Sometimes figuring out the beginning is hard, when you don’t know what is possible. But I’m less concerned about the beginning than the ending. I don’t care so much about either of our first loves, mostly because I am determined to be each other’s last.”
Bai Lang’s eyes were glossy now, his lips curled into the little smile he gave when Jin Xun-An had successfully coaxed him back from the place he retreated to when he felt scared. But even that had changed. The distance had lessened little by little. He was never out of reach anymore.
“I like that,” he said, his shoulders relaxing, as if Jin Xun-An’s words took some sort of weight off them. Good. Jin Xun-An knew Bai Lang would still have moments when he was afraid, there was no magic fix for that, but Jin Xun-An wouldn’t let him be alone with those feelings any longer. They had promised that to each other, to face their feelings together.