Work Text:
Shrill alarm noises roared through the dark bedroom. At seven in the morning he should have been used to this, and yet he still wished death upon his phone alarm every morning.
The whole week had felt surreal and the new one started with an anti-climax.
Nathan rolled over and sighed frustratedly, laying on his back for probably longer than he should. He didn’t care. In fact, as he stared at the ceiling and rubbed his face, his free hand roamed over his nightstand to get a hold on his frames. Had he still not reached out to him? He knew he shouldn’t be checking his phone again. But who was he kidding, he had done that ever since they had come back home from Paris. And yet it wasn’t like he needed the reassurance that it, their moment, had been in mutual interest.
But now he was where he was. Days later and the silence on Youssef’s side plagued him.
Youssef, Sef or Seffy how he sometimes teased him with. Or Mr Farouk by which their students addressed him with; which he had called Youssef once and which the short man had immediately shut down with the words
“Mr Farouk is my baba. I’m Youssef, ok?”
Funnily enough he heard his voice whenever he thought about the things he had said to him. Be that the moments where he had said something unintentionally funny or even the words he had muttered after a wine or two too much. Or the things he had quietly admitted while kissing on his bed. A shudder tickled his back at the thought of his words that night.
“You’re so beautiful” Youssef had told him over and over again between breathless kisses until he believed him, his hand grabbing his crush’s hand and additionally the sheets. And they laughed. They laughed so much. But now the joy died down and Nathan was stuck with the smile Youssef wore so casually on his profile picture.
The profile picture he had taken in France.
“Why don’t you smile for a second?” Nathan laughed as he held his phone, trying to capture Youssef in the moment while they climbed the stairs of the Eiffel Tower after they had forgotten to book tickets to the elevator. Like two idiots. He must have forgotten to book them because he had been busy with crushing during that time. Besides, Youssef hadn’t remembered either so it was not completely on him and his tendency to crush on beautiful men.
“Because i’ve walked about ten million steps already” Youssef had laughed breathlessly and took everything in him to not blush in the moment. Instead he quickly took the candid and took off as fast as he still could, his friend telling him to stop and to delete the picture.
He still remembered how Youssef had come up to him at the hotel to ask to see the picture, hesitantly agreeing for him to keep the picture under the condition to send it to him. The way Youssef had smiled at him in that moment still made his breath hitch.
His thumb scrolled all the way up to their first conversation back when they had met up to even plan this hell of a trip. Nathan smiled slightly at Youssef’s sweet words and the brief ‘Happy Birthday, tall glasses’ he had sent him on his birthday. They hadn’t even known each other for long around that time and Youssef still had made the effort to get him a little gift and birthday card that he claimed to have crafted himself.
In his opinion it looked like his niece helped him with it, but it was still precious to him.
He turned his head to his nightstand and saw the card’s shadow in the dark. Even the crappy smiley drawn on it with crayons couldn’t change the fact that now they weren’t talking anymore and that the smiley now was the only thing between them that kept its smile.
He read through their texts again and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater as the words penetrated his heart yet again.
07.21am
Youssef (work)
“Happy Birthday, tall glasses”
Youssef (work)
“I hope you have a nice birthday even though you still have to work.”
Me
“Should be illegal to let me work tho”
Me
“Homophobic behaviour if you ask me”
08.45 am
Youssef (work)
“Not everything you don’t like is homophobic”
Me
“Untrue. List your sources”
Youssef (work)
“I could come around after work and bring cake”
Me
“You don’t have to”
✓sent
10.05 am
Me
“Don’t you dare”
✓sent
11.34am
Me
“Young man, turn your phone on.”
✓sent
01.30pm
Youssef (work)
“Wait sorry i had to drive my little sister to dance practice”
Youssef (work)
“I’m outside now. Come out, i have a gift”
Me
“I’m gay”
Me
“Do i get my gift now”
Youssef (work)
“The joke was terrible. I’ll keep it and block you”
When Nathan had left the building that afternoon, Youssef had already been waiting for him outside, at what he assumed to be his car. In his hand a cake that seemed to be handmade and not just bought at any convenience store and fished out of the freezer.
This one looked fresh and Youssef looked like he just came from the most evil year 7 class. Exhausted, sleepy and yet he had made an effort to bake a whole cake for his birthday. The closer he got to the man the more his timid frown dissolved and turned into a gradually genuine smile. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time other than that he wondered why his heart was acting out of line during that time.
Today he knew that it had been because he was gently falling in love with this short grumpy man.
That night however, and he still remembered clearly, he had cried and sent Youssef some cat memes that he thought looked like him. And though Youssef had already been used to his antics during that time, he had expressed his worries about why Nathan was texting him in the middle of the night, both ignoring that he was awake too.
And he had called Youssef crying, listening to him sobbing about how he felt like he was a burden to the people. As someone does when he can’t please the people around him.
And Youssef had said words that he still recalled till now.
“You don’t owe anyone anything, Nate. You’re not their serotonin. They are not your serotonin. It’s not your job to make others happier about themselves. Of course you can do that, but don’t forget your own needs.”
Nathan sat up in his bed and scratched his beard, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. They didn’t feel like they were part of his body. He didn’t feel like he was part of his body. But when he turned his head to the side he could still see how Youssef had slept next to him in their bed in Paris with a satisfied smile, the younger man’s hand on his chest. After their hook up they had just cuddled up, entangled in sheets and their bodies touching in some sort of form after Nathan had complained that Youssef was a furnace and how it was rude that he wasn’t sharing the warmth. And it wasn’t like he didn’t know every inch of the man’s body now, but he just wished that he just knew a little bit of what Youssef was thinking.
The tall man got up and took the durag off his head, quickly pulling out a red button up out of his wardrobe. His hands moved automatically, fumbling with the small buttons. He certainly wasn’t a morning person, lord he had never been and he will never be. For that he had his coffee, Harry Styles and a bunch of screaming kids that surrounded him as soon as he put a foot into the building. Well they used to, he reminded himself.
After all, he would be switching to the school across the road. The one with the short grumpy man, who wasn’t as grumpy with him. Or hadn’t been. Nathan put one leg after another into his jeans, thinking about how they hadn’t even exchanged a single word on the bus ride back. Neither of them had texted the other ‘Good Morning’ either. Youssef would have done so if he wasn’t mad. Or upset. In the past week in Paris, Youssef had been up before any of the kids, he assumed, and obviously himself. One time he had even woken up to Youssef coming into the room in his workout clothes.
God, those damn workout clothes.
“Workout clothes? Jesus, have you been sleeping in those?” he grumbled under his breath, earning himself a pillow, aimed at him. Nathan didn’t care, he couldn’t. Not at this time. Youssef’s low voice caught him off guard, the man suddenly kneeling next to his bed and head.
“I was on my morning jog. You should come too” he had grinned at him, probably knowing that Nathan couldn’t say no to him even if it was his life goal. To say no to the Youssef Farouk.
“Fine. I’ll come tomorrow. Dickhead.”
And he had been on that run in Paris. The city of love and, that morning, of Nathan’s breathless coughing and wheezing. And, take his word for this, he had tried to keep up to the energized man. Who knew a man like Youssef with his short legs could run as fast.
Who was he running from? The kids? Him? His feelings. He supposed, only he would no. After all, Nathan had never met anyone as secretive as the Lebanese man.
His thoughts were eating Nathan up, the small idea of going to his lab eating part of his brain. Probably the part responsible for his rational thinking.
Cause seeking out the man he had sex with on a damn work trip couldn’t be the idea of the smart side of his brain. Could he cover it with a lie if he’d chicken out? His eyes became oddly focused on a pair of slippers kicked into the corner of his bedroom.
He shook himself out of it and went to grab his shoes, ignoring the breakfast he had improvised the evening prior. His goal today was to see Youssef. Talking to him, maybe the goal for tomorrow.
He grabbed his car keys and yanked the door open, quietly apologizing to the old yellow beetle he had lovingly named Betsy. He reached out for the steering wheel but froze in place, his hands feeling icy, his throat itching.
“Fucking get it together, Ajayi.” he hissed at himself, pinching his cheeks and arms, most likely trying to pinch out his cowardness. His head fell back into the seat cushion, his eyes squeezing shut. Pride was something that he had. He wasn’t ashamed of being gay and most importantly, he loved men. Not in a friendly way, but he always had known that he wanted to spend his life with one, grow old with the love of his life. Something that seemed like utopia after all those years of dating now.
He wanted to come home to someone who loved him. Not his body, not his face. Him, and his laugh and his art. Maybe even his tendency to be negative when a new art project didn’t work out as soon as he grabbed a brush and his small watercolor kit. But most men didn’t seem to care too much about all that. All they cared about was to sleep with him, him going down on them and then they pretended that he was their world for two whole years.
Nathan shrugged his brows. The last thought seemed rather passive aggressive, his ex creeping back into his mind. A cold shudder ran down his back.
Nathan didn’t believe in true love. Not after he had walked in on his, then, boyfriend sleeping with his, then, best friend. Aka the day he had stopped believing in his dream of owning a house with a yard, holding a man’s hand as their dog ran around the yard.
Maybe he could have had it. Maybe this was all him. And it had never been those guys.
He hit his head back into the cushion, grunting in frustration as he thought about the night again. Youssef had opened up to him, to some degree, and had told him about his childhood, his hobbies and that he was gay. And obviously it had to lead into them sleeping with each other. Because apparently this was Nathan’s idea of love.
Maybe the cheesy part of him had died when he had first slept with a man. But he didn’t want to believe that a husband who genuinely cared about his interests and not how skinny he was.
He turned his head, looking out of the window and straight at his apartment complex. Not the house his five year old self had imagined he would have at thirty-two. The tall man sighed and adjusted his glasses, quickly fixing his hair as he turned the keys to start the engine. In hindsight, he didn’t even hear the annoying radio host talk about whatever happened the past week he had been in Paris. Time flew and before he could even reconsider his choice to come there, he parked Betsy in the Truham staff car-park. His eyes immediately fell on the science building, knowing damn well that Youssef would be there. He had told him he would be. Well before the whole disaster.
Nathan dropped his head, the strong itchy feeling crawling up his throat again and almost swallowing him as a whole. God, why did he feel all this? This whole thing with Youssef couldn’t be so important to him after only a week, could it? Normally he didn’t even consider men like Youssef when thinking about dating. So why now? Was this some sick game some higher power was playing with him? He grunted at the thought, cracking his knuckles before pushing the door open to exit his car and walk straight into doom.
This wasn’t going to end well. Probably it would end in one of them crying their eyes out.
Nathan grabbed his bag and took a deep breath, desperately trying to still his shrill thoughts telling him that this was for nothing. He closed his eyes and made his way to the entrance of the school, his hands rubbing over his thighs to get rid of the sweat covering them. Maybe the universe would have mercy and send a bus to hit him before he’d enter the school.
But the universe let him down again. It made him wonder to how many people it did that in this exact moment. It was a miracle that he could even set one foot after another. As he turned the auto-pilot off he found himself in the p.e department. Why the hell was he here and not in the science building. Before he could turn he heard a familiar voice, making him damn himself once more.
“Nathan Ajayi, my favourite artist from another mother”. Unmistakably the voice from none other but Lily Singh-Stevens. Long time friend and to his dismay, close to Youssef as well. Had he told her-
“So you and Farouk?” she questioned him, the shorter woman eying him cautiously as if she wasn’t sure how to bring up this topic. Had he really told her about all this? Nathan knew that Youssef and her were close, but secret-spilling close? He mentally rolled his eyes.
“Having chaperoned the trip? Yea.”
“He seemed…a bit down when he came in this morning. And now you’re lurking around here with that worried face of yours?” he heard her chuckle, but he dropped his eyes to the floor. Was this whole thing so obvious? His throat dried up and he swallowed. “Not that it’s any of my business obviously, but maybe you wanna go talk to him?”
“... We kissed, Lily” he groaned, not being able to stand his friends’ piercing look. Lily however seemed rather pleased at the response, as if she knew something that he didn’t.
“Nathan, he’s in his lab. I’m not gonna be a smartass now for both of your sakes but… I think you’re very precious to him. And I have a feeling that he’s important to you too. I know you’re not the best at disclosing feelings, but at least tell him that you don’t hate him.”
“What if I do?”
“I doubt that or else we wouldn’t be talking now” she grinned at him and patted his arm, gently rubbing it up and down as if she knew that he needed this now. Obviously she was right, she always was. He couldn't hate Youssef. The man had done nothing to deserve that. He had only acted on his feelings, and so had Nathan. “Now get it together, Nathan. I know you can.”
He told Lily about his plan and turned around, feeling her stare at his back. Made him wonder what else Youssef had told her. His hands started to tremble again and he stuffed them into his jeans pocket. Youssef could get the wrong idea and actually think that he was pining for him.
…but would he be really that wrong about it? Cause afterall Nathan had been longing after Youssef’s warmth for the past days. And the way Youssed had carefully kissed him that night. So uncertain and certain at the same time. It had felt like heaven and Nathan couldn’t get enough of that. Especially not that night. But he wouldn’t call this pining. Jesus, how had he given out love advice to Charlie earlier that year? He couldn’t even handle his own feelings.
His eyes fell on the door in front of him, on it the name he had been mumbling throughout the past week. In all ways. And yet, he was afraid of seeing the man behind it. Before he could overthink again he knocked on the door, dooming himself with a mental countdown from three to one. He peeked his head through the door and was met with Youssef’s tired eyes. They seemed… worn out in some form, but he couldn’t pinpoint it. Youssef seemed to take a little to recognise him, probably thinking about something else at that moment.
However when he did see him, Youssef turned away, grabbing some papers. Probably the tests he had been whining about all week. But somehow they seemed like a better option than having to look at him now. Nathan felt a small pang in his heart, but he couldn’t be mad at him, could he?
“...Nathan” Youssef spoke, his name leaving his tongue as if he was certainly the last person he would want to see right now. Silence fell over them and Nathan gulped, taking two steps towards the short man in an attempt to close the distance between them. A lot was in the air and Nathan was sure that 99% of those were negative.
“What are you doing here?” Youssef spoke once more, his eyes fixed on those damn tests in his hands. The sentence felt like it had been forced out and reconsidered many times before leaving his mouth. The mouth he had kissed senseless just two days prior.
“I..”, he shifted to his other leg “came to see you”. Youssef turned his head further, apparently not liking that Nathan was staring at him as intensely as he did. For a second he thought that he could see a tiny blush on the man’s cheeks. His heart warmed up sorta, before it was put back into the freezer when Youssef asked him why. Why. Why. Why wouldn’t he come see him?! Couldn’t he see that he was trying to talk about what happened?
He spoke before his brain could reconsider, surprising himself at what he said then. “Whatever happened Sunday night… meant something to me”. Had it? Wasn’t it just some hookup? Then again, people he just hooked up with, didn’t live in his head and dreams as often as Youssef Farouk did. “I mean it wasn’t just some hook up for me. You… actually mean something to me”
“...Well whatever it was was pretty stupid to do on a work trip. If someone would have caught us-”
“We would have been fired I know.” he chuckled and looked at Youssef, not noticing how he slowly started to smile at the man who had turned his back to him. This conversation felt like his head and heart arguing over what to do and how to proceed. “Which is why if we did that again… we should find a more sensible setting… maybe at one of our places?”
Youssef’s head turned to him and Nathan smiled at him with every emotion he was feeling in this exact moment. It were many. His doubts, his hope and maybe even his five year old self still believing in love.
Was that why he was here with Youssef? He would have to find out if Youssef just gave him this one chance. The silence that fell over them tickled out a laugh from his throat. Seems like he had just stunned both of them. “I’m asking you out, Youssef if that wasn’t-”
“N-No I know you are. I mean a-ask me out. I know-” the, usually so tough man, spluttered out, his face slowly turning into some shade of red. Maybe he did like red on him.
“You just seemed uncertain”
And Youssef looked down at that, crossing his arms as if he was trying to protect something in him. But he looked soft, almost as soft as when they had parted from their first kiss. Nathan would never forget how lively Youssef’s auburn eyes had looked when they had locked with his. Or how Youssef had completely leaned on him after Nathan had closed the distance between them. “It’s just… i’ve.. never done anything like- well I’m rather new to all this..”
“You’ve never dated?”
“Well, no I- I have but only women and… not men. You’re probably more experienced than me and I just honestly don’t understand why someone like you would find a liking in someone like me I-I just guess I know you could have someone better-” Youssef rambled, no end in sight and Nathan gently placed his hands on Youssef’s muscular arms, slowly gliding up to his shoulders, trying to get him to look him into his eyes. He couldn’t know this, but Nathan wouldn’t be capable of finding anyone better than Youssef. No one had ever cared like him. And no one had ever meant it when they told him that they cared. Nathan couldn’t know if Youssef was being honest, but if not, Youssef would be a hell of a liar.
“Hey I just want to get to know you.. maybe grab a drink and some food? So… would you consider going on a date with me?” He asked the shorter man, his smile making his nose crinkle up and he could feel Youssef staring at his lips, wetting his own as he did. He wasn’t even sure if Youssef knew that he was doing that.
“I’ll… consider..”
Nathan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest, trying to hide it from Youssef who was trying to look away now. His hands cupped around Youssef’s face again, gently pulling it back up to him. For a moment he felt doubt settle in his brain, but he kicked it away, closing the gap between them. And for the first time in two days he felt his worries trickle down his back. So maybe their lips locking was all Nathan needed to be happy, this feeling being further enforced when Youssef responded to his attempt of showing love with a small smile tugging at his lips. Youssef’s hand sneaked to his neck and pulled him further, but Nathan pulled away with a grin. He knew that if he hadn’t, this would escalate.
“Well, you have my number” Nathan smiled, forgetting his doubts about everything. He felt careless in the best way possible, Youssef’s almost chapstick still lingering on his own lips like some sweet he couldn’t get enough from.
“Y-Yea I do”
“Amazing. I’ll leave you to it”
They smiled at each other. Nathan didn’t want to go. But he had to, or else he wouldn’t ever leave Youssef’s side.
08.30pm
Youssef :) <3
Let’s go on a date then. I’ll pick you up then
Youssef :) <3
Dork
Me
I’ll be looking forward to it :)
Me
You’re not telling lily about this too, are you?
Youssef :) <3
I hate you