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The rain splattered on the windshield, leaving a patternless mosaic of droplets. Bella couldn't bring herself to reach up and press down on the lever to the right of the steering wheel that would activate the wipers. She just sat in the driver's seat, completely still. The trails of her tears resembled the paths of the raindrops. Her mind wandered to the afternoon almost two years before- to a day that changed her entire life.
-o-o-o-o
“I'm sorry, Billy. There's nothing I can do.” Carlisle's voice was grave and remorseful. “All of the bones on his right side were shattered, and they perforated his heart and lungs.”
Bella couldn't breathe.
“Even with his heightened rate of recovery, there wasn't any chance of survival. Not with such injuries to both organs.”
Jacob was dead. He'd died. Protecting her.
Dead.
-o-o-o-o
In the beginning, she'd tried (halfheartedly) to work her way through the pain of losing her very best friend- a friend who'd painstakingly pieced her back together once, and failed. She'd never forget the way his lifeless body looked on the tiny bed.
He wasn't Jacob anymore. He was... gone.
Even though Bella had come to terms with Jacob's death, she still had the occasional nightmare that brought on anxiety attacks. But, at least now, she had someone to help her through them. Lord knew Edward hadn't been able to.
-o-o-o-o
“I can't do this anymore, Edward.”
“I don't know what you mean, love. Do what?” Edward's face was confused.
“Live in this supernatural world,” she whispered. “I can't. Jacob is dead. I'll never, ever see him again.”
“Bella, love-”
“He was my best friend, Edward!” Bella jumped up from her bed and faced Edward. “I loved him! I... I still do.”
“And now you don't want... me?”
Bella's tears were flowing down her face. “Of course I do, but I can't have you. I can't have any of this. The price is too high.”
-o-o-o-o
No Edward. No Jacob. Just Bella.
She lifted her hand and switched on the windshield wipers, timing her breaths to their steady beat. But now she could see through the glass, and was reminded of what she'd come to do.
Oh, God...
Bella closed her eyes, focused on the now familiar voice and the hand that would, in any other circumstance, be pressed gently against her back, and breathed.
-o-o-o-o
Bella attended the funeral alone, standing on the edge of the crowd and barely holding herself together. Even though it wasn't raining at the time, drops had collected in the branches and leaves from the previous shower, and they dripped down on her shoulders.
Her eyes were focused on the casket. She couldn't bear looking into the forest because if she did, she'd lose control over the shaky hold she had on her sanity. The trees towered above her and seemed to house the ghosts she'd been trying to keep at bay. She feared that with even a quick glance, her eyes would surely conjure up Jacob's wolf and shatter her heart further.
Bella refused to wear a coat. She wanted to shiver. She deserved to shiver. Jacob was everything that was warm in her world, and he was gone.
Forever.
Because of her.
-o-o-o-o
When Bella opened her eyes again, she could see the old red house that used to be so familiar to her. Her fingers itched to shift the car into reverse and get the hell away because even years later, she still couldn't bring herself to look too closely at the garage.
But she didn't leave. She'd promised him she'd do this.
Not for him, no. For her. She needed it.
-o-o-o-o
Not long after the Cullens left town, some of Jacob's friends started coming around- namely Embry and Seth. They assured her that none of the pack blamed her for his death and that she was their friend too. But Bella couldn't imagine spending time with them. It would hurt too much. Eventually, Seth backed off, but Embry never did.
Right up until she pulled out of Charlie's driveway on the day she was to move into her new Seattle dorm at the University of Washington, he'd persisted. His methods had varied. Sometimes, he'd just show up at her house and silently watch television with her. Other times, he'd call her late at night when he knew she couldn't sleep. She rarely spoke to him during those calls, but he'd listen to her crying- never hanging up, just... listening.
Bella never offered much in return- not because she didn't like Embry, but because he wasn't Jacob.
-o-o-o-o
She wiped furiously at her eyes, smearing the salty tears on her cheeks.
Bella was tired of crying. She grasped the key and prepared to pull it out of the ignition.
-o-o-o-o
“You don't have to do this, Bella,” Embry said. He was looking down at her from outside the car (a used Honda- after Jacob's death, she couldn't stand the sight of the truck, much less driving it around) with his hands were shoved into his pockets.
Bella swallowed thickly, trying to keep her tears in check. “Yes, I do,” she whispered.
“You can't run away from him, Bella. He's already gone.”
Bella didn't respond, and she couldn't meet Embry's eyes. So she did the only thing she could: She waved goodbye to Charlie, who was standing silently on the front porch, shifted the Honda into reverse, and drove away.
-o-o-o-o
The only sound in the car was the clicking of the tumblers against the metal teeth of the key as Bella extracted it from the ignition. Once the car was dead, the wipers stopped and the raindrops blurred the image of the house and surrounding trees again. She wasn't surprised when her breathing became easier.
Bella's lips curved into a tiny grin when she heard his voice in her head, You're just psyching yourself out, babe. You can do this.
-o-o-o-o
Bella's first year at college was rough, but she survived. She made very few friends, and told no one of her broken heart. Her life existed on a day by day basis. Or really, it was more like minute to minute. There were many times she found herself in a bathroom stall in the middle of the day sobbing into the sleeves of her jacket. So many sleepless nights kept the shadows under her eyes almost permanent.
One afternoon though, as she was slumped against the wall of her shower stall, crying her eyes out, Bella had a moment of clarity.
She felt something break through her wall of sorrow. Shame.
Jacob had spent months putting her back together. He certainly wouldn't want her to fall apart again, not because of him. How could she waste the gift he'd given her? Even in death, he'd given her life. She'd left Edward, sent him away. A giggle echoed off the tiles, and Bella was amazed that it was hers. Jacob would've been happy she'd chosen to live and not die.
So Bella began to try. Her panic attacks and crying jags were less frequent, and she even managed to participate in a few social events. Nothing too big though. Baby steps.
However, as the school year drew to a close, she began to dread the summer in Forks. She couldn't handle the trees and the shadows she knew were waiting to overcome her. So she booked a flight to Florida to spend her time off with Renee.
There weren't any haunted trees in Florida.
-o-o-o-o
Bella didn't notice that the rain had finally let up until the pattern of drops on her windshield stopped changing. She figured it was a sign, stuffed the car key into her purse, and grasped the door handle.
That's my girl. Bella could almost hear the smile in his voice.
-o-o-o-o
When the summer was over and Bella was back in Seattle, things seemed brighter. The air flowed in and out of her lungs like it should. She actually told herself that it would be a good year. In her excitement she signed up for a tutoring program.
Bella never expected her freshman counterpart to be Embry.
“So, you're stalking me now?” she asked, annoyed.
“Of course not, Bella. I'm just your average freshman looking for some help with Victorian Literature.” His smile was not in the least bit suspicious.
But Bella was suspicious anyway.
“Victorian Literature, huh?”
Embry nodded, still smiling.
“Fine. But we stick to your academics. No talking about... other stuff.” Bella's throat threatened to close up. “Let's just get started, okay?” she said in a softer voice.
“Sure thing, Bella.”
-o-o-o-o
She pushed open the car door and stepped onto the muddy gravel driveway. Her shoes made soft squishing sounds in the wet dirt.
The house looked exactly the same, and it hurt. But she'd known this visit wouldn't be painless. So Bella took a deep breath and started towards the front walk.
-o-o-o-o
At first Bella and Embry met twice a week in a quiet corner of the library. She regretted signing up for the tutoring program for two reasons: Firstly, Embry wasn't a very quick learner (at least when it came to Victorian Literature); and secondly, he clearly had a hidden agenda.
“So, Bella, it's Friday night.”
“It's good you know the days of the week, Embry, because that's not part of the program here.”
“Very funny.” He watched as she picked up her belongings from the table and placed them into her bag.
“I thought so.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Bella sighed, and met his gaze. “I can't do this, Embry.”
“Do what?”
“You know what I mean,” she whispered. “The things I do, like signing up for this thing with you, it's a struggle. Every minute is a struggle.”
“Bella,” Embry sighed, “you're being unfair to yourself. It's been a year. I miss him too, but I don't think-”
“I have to go.” With that, Bella rushed out of the library, trying her best to hold back the tears. Why did he have to push her? Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone? Wasn't it enough that she was trying at all?
She knew the honest answers to those questions were not the ones she wanted to hear. So she hid out in her dorm for the entire weekend.
-o-o-o-o
Bella stared at the concrete ramp that led up to the front porch of the house. It was still as solid as the day Jacob had built it. She noticed that the yard looked well kept too, which for some reason made her feel comforted.
“Hello, Bella,” a familiar voice said. She gasped and turned to face the owner.
-o-o-o-o
Embry was relentless. Somehow, he'd managed to find out which building her dorm was in, and somehow, he always knew when she'd be holed up inside moping.
“Come on, Bella! Open up! I know you're in there. I can practically feel the emo you're radiating right through the door.”
“Go away, Embry.”
“No.”
Bella sighed in frustration and threw her book aside. She yanked open the door to find Embry leaning against the frame, looking smug and satisfied.
“As I thought. Still in her pajamas.” He shook his head at her appearance. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Maybe you could start with leaving me alone? That would be nice.”
Embry ignored her and walked right into her room, which was a single. Suddenly Bella felt embarrassed. She hadn't been expecting company, her dirty clothes were carelessly tossed on the floor, and there were several precarious stacks of books. Her frustration flared when Embry made himself comfortable on her bed.
“You should change. Unless you plan on going out like that.”
“I'm not going anywhere!” Bella said, her eyes wide with shock.
“Huh. Well I guess that means we'll be hanging out here, which will suck because you don't even have a TV.”
Bella scowled and attempted to stare Embry down, but his grin never faded. Finally, she huffed and grabbed the closest pair of jeans and a shirt. “I'll be right back.”
As she marched down the hall towards the bathrooms, she couldn't help the grin that sneaked its way onto her face. Yes, Bella was annoyed, but she was also happy Embry had shown up.
-o-o-o-o
“Would you like to come inside?” Billy was smiling at her, and so far, all she'd done was rudely stare back at him.
“Um, yeah... I mean...” Bella was aware she was stammering. “Yes, thank you, Billy.”
After Billy wheeled his way back into the house, Bella took a deep breath, and followed. She pointedly ignored the forest, which was now closer to her than it had been since Jacob's funeral.
It felt like the trees had eyes.
-o-o-o-o
One Saturday, Embry took Bella to Pike Place Market. They walked side by side aimlessly, up and down the street, just taking in the atmosphere. When they passed the fish market, Bella wasn't expecting the employees to really throw the fish to one another. She'd thought that was just for show on television, and when it actually happened, she jumped back in surprise.
Her body collided with Embry's, and his arm circled her waist to steady her. Bella had been purposefully avoiding physical contact with other people for so long that the feeling of someone touching her was... unexpectedly pleasant.
Bella blushed, and Embry cleared his throat and pretended to be interested in something across the walkway. When he removed his arm from her waist, she was surprised to find herself disappointed.
-o-o-o-o
Once inside the Black home, Bella could tell that Billy'd had help with the housekeeping. Jacob was never one for tidiness. How many sixteen year old boys are?
Her eyes stung with unshed tears. She'd aged two years since his death, and she didn't like to think of him being snuffed out at sixteen.
“Bella?” Billy's voice brought her back to reality. She carefully lowered herself onto the old loveseat. Without her permission, she was assaulted with memories of she and Jacob lounging on the very same piece of furniture.
This time, the tears fell freely.
-o-o-o-o
Over the course of the next few months, Bella and Embry had a few more awkward moments like the one at Pike Place. His touches would linger for a bit too long, or she'd catch herself staring at him while he read during a study session. She didn't quite know what to make of those moments, and Embry didn't seem to have a problem ignoring them, so she did too.
Until she couldn't anymore. His fingers would leave behind a strange tingling sensation, and her heart started to do funny flips in her chest when he'd smile. And that scared her. So she did the most natural thing in the world for her: she tried to push him away.
“Embry,” Bella said softly, “I...” She glanced down at their joined hands and pried hers from his grasp. “I can't do this.”
“What do you mean, Bella?” He placed his finger under her chin and gently brought her gaze up.
“I mean, you and me,” she motioned between the two of them, “Our friendship. It's too much.”
“You can't push me away again, Bella. I won't let you.”
Bella sighed and felt her eyes filling up with tears. “You're a part of that world, Embry.”
“What world are you talking about?”
“The one that took Jacob.” She tried to will the tears away, but it didn't work. “The world where monsters exist. The kinds of monsters that can take everything away from you that's ever been important. I can't live there anymore; I can't. If you got hurt-” Bella choked out a sob. “I can't lose you too. So it's just better if we... don't.”
Embry sighed and ran his hands through his hair. When Bella looked up at him, she thought he didn't look as sad as he should have. “I guess this means I owe Quil fifty bucks.”
“Huh?”
He smiled. “He said you wouldn't be able to tell. I thought for sure you would.”
Bella wiped her tears on the sleeve of her jacket. “What are you talking about?”
“I don't phase anymore, Bella. I gave that up before I came to Seattle.”
She gaped. “But...” For a split second, Bella thought that this new revelation would make it okay for her to feel what she did for Embry- that maybe, just maybe, they could see if they worked together.
But then she remembered why he'd come to Seattle in the first place. “It doesn't matter, Embry.” Now his face looked like she'd expected: confused and a little lost. “I don't want you to be my friend because you feel like you owe Jacob something, and I'd be trapping you by taking advantage of this loyalty you think you have towards me. I can't do that to you.”
“Bella, stop. What I feel about you has nothing to do with Jake. Nothing. Trust me.” Embry said with a dry chuckle.
“I can't just be your friend anymore. I-” Bella knew that if she told Embry about all the crazy stuff she'd been feeling past several weeks, it would ruin everything. It didn't escape her that she now understood a little bit better about how Jacob had felt with her. “I feel too much for you.”
Embry opened his mouth to speak, but Bella went on. “When you touch me, it's... it's like... I don't even know, but I like it. A lot. More than I should, and it's not fair to you. I can't just be your friend anymore, Embry.” She looked up at him to find a small smile on his lips.
“Maybe I don't want to be your friend either.” He stepped closer to her, trapping her against the door that led into her dorm room. Bella's eyes slid shut as she felt Embry's lips brush against hers. In truth, she hadn't known what to expect. Edward's kisses were hard and icy. Jacob's were soft but blazing hot. Embry? Well, he was the happy medium, and she felt herself falling into it easily. One of his hands held her gently against him and the other cupped her cheek.
Bella whimpered when he pulled away.
“Goodnight, Bella. I'll call you tomorrow,” Embry whispered before kissing her softly one last time.
-o-o-o-o
Billy sat quiet and unimposing as Bella had her breakdown. Eventually, she pulled a wad of tissues from her purse and wiped the tears from her face.
“I'm so sorry, Billy.”
He smiled warmly. “It's okay, Bella. I know Jacob's passing was hard for you, but I can feel that his spirit is at peace. He died the way a Quileute warrior should. It was an honorable death.”
“I didn't want him to die at all,” Bella whispered. “It was all my fault, and if I could take it all back...”
“Bella, sweetheart, you shouldn't think like that. It's not healthy.” His hand rested on her knee, and it was comforting. Whatever calming powers Jacob had over her were surely inherited from his father.
“I know.” She sniffled. “I didn't even come here to say all of that.”
“Maybe you needed to.” He took both of her hands in his. “Bella, I know that you and Jacob had a lot of... things that went unsaid between the two of you. But you have to realize that despite any feelings he had towards you that went above and beyond your friendship, he wanted you to live. And to be happy.”
Bella nodded and stared at Billy Black's weathered hands.
“Tell me, Bella, does Embry make you happy?”
-o-o-o-o
After that first kiss in the hallway, the walls Bella had built around her heart came crashing down. She hadn't been expecting the sudden exposure, and in truth, it hurt a little. As painful as it was for her to talk about Jacob, she did. She emptied the contents of her broken soul into Embry's capable hands and prayed he wouldn't hurt her. She told him everything: how she'd loved Jacob, been in love with him, and treated him horribly. He held her close and smoothed her hair, and told her that it was okay, everyone makes stupid mistakes, and that she was only human.
That, of course, made her cry harder. She needed to cry though. One by one, her tears cleansed her body of the guilty poison that was eating away at her. Embry was gentle and patient (traits that seemed common among Quileute men). Somehow, he instinctively knew not to call her Bells or Honey. Those names were reserved for Jacob alone.
But his carefulness didn't extend past Bella's fragile spirit. Her body, he worshiped with abandon. His kisses were hungry, and his hands were possessive. He touched her in a way that instantly stamped out any doubt or hesitance she was feeling. When his lips claimed hers, she felt like a live wire, and when they were together- skin touching skin -Bella thought for sure she would simply disintegrate from the pleasure.
Even though she was positive she loved Embry, she still felt the old wound of Jacob's loss throbbing somewhere deep inside. A tiny dark corner of her heart still broke for him. She knew it wasn't fair to Embry.
“Can we talk?” Bella stood outside the door of his dorm room. She was whispering because, unlike her, he had a roommate. Also, it was three in the morning.
Embry yawned and scratched his head. “Uh, yeah, okay. Lemme grab a shirt.” When he reemerged from the room (fully clothed), he threw an arm around her shoulders and said quietly, “Let's go back to your room.”
Bella nodded. She leaned into him as they walked. Yes, she felt bad for waking him at such a ridiculous hour, but some things simply couldn't wait. When they arrived back at Bella's room Embry stretched out on her bed and motioned for her to join him. She cuddled into his side and looked up at him.
“I've been thinking about doing something,” she said in a quiet voice.
“What's that, babe?” His fingers were running absently through her hair.
“When we go home for the summer next week, I need to see Billy.” Bella braced herself for his reaction. Not that she knew what that was going to be, but she was nervous.
“Can I ask why?” Embry's tone was completely neutral.
Bella sighed. “I need closure, Embry. I haven't been back to Forks or La Push since I left two years ago. The trees, they...” She trailed off when she noticed him looking at her strangely.
“Bella, you're not making much sense.”
“I know. I'm sorry. What I mean is that I need to make my peace with Jacob, and to do that, I need to talk to Billy.” Bella sat up and straddled Embry's lap. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him softly on the lips. “I love you, Embry. You know that, right?”
His hands rested on her hips, and he pulled her against his chest. “Yeah, I know. I love you too, babe.” He traced circles on her skin with his thumbs. “If you need to talk to Billy to get some peace inside that restless mind and heart of yours, then I support that. I'll even go with you if you want, but I'll also understand if you need to go alone.”
Bella kissed him again, only this time it wasn't soft. She took his mouth by force and enjoyed the taste of him on her tongue. His hands slid up her sides and pulled her t-shirt over her head. Bella moaned as his mouth devoured her breasts. It was awkward, but she managed to wriggle out of her pajama pants and pull Embry's shorts halfway down his legs. Straddling him again, she slid down onto his length.
Usually, it was Embry who was in control during sex. But this time, Bella made love to him.
-o-o-o-o
“Yes, he really does,” Bella said without hesitation.
“Then you have no reason to feel anything but contentment. Jacob's spirit has joined his ancestors. He fulfilled his duty to his tribe and to you. He would want you to find your own way to happiness, and if his brother and pack-mate Embry is the one to help you do that, I can't see any room for this sadness you hold inside.” He squeezed her hands and smiled at her again.
“Thank you, Billy,” she said, still staring at their hands.
“You're welcome, Bella.” He finally sat back in his chair. “So are you here for the entire summer?”
Bella smiled and nodded. “I have to keep Charlie from wasting away on pizza and take out.”
“Well, I suppose that's true. You'd better go find that Call kid. He always did manage to find some kind of trouble to get into when left to his own devices.”
Bella stood and leaned down to give Billy a hug; he returned it fiercely.
“Don't you two be strangers, now. I want to see those beautiful babies when the time comes!”
Bella blushed. She and Embry hadn't discussed anything like that, but the mention of the possibility filled her with warmth. “Okay, Billy.” He winked at her. “Thanks again, for everything.”
“No problem, sweetie.”
Bella left the Black house and drove a short distance down the road. She found Embry alone on the beach. He was sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him and was letting handfuls of sand trickle through his fingers.
“Hey,” she said softly, sitting beside him.
Embry smiled. “Hey.” He continued to play with the sand. “Did you talk to Billy?”
“I did.” Bella pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and sighed. She'd always loved the sunsets.
“And?”
“I feel... happy. Lighter.”
Embry gently tugged on her elbow and pulled her between his legs. She leaned back and relaxed into his chest. “I'm glad.”
“I guess it's time to suck it up and do the really hard part,” Bella said after a long silence.
“What's that?”
Bella turned to face him and smiled. “We get to go tell Charlie that we're moving in together in the fall.”
Embry's heart stuttered.