Archive of Our Own

The first time Oikawa Tooru asked Iwaizumi Hajime to marry him happened when they were five years old.

They were on the playground where the two of them had spent the past three recesses together since school started. Tooru had immediately been drawn to the boy who was eating bugs in a sandbox, and had promptly walked over to him and asked if he would like to be his friend. Hajime ignored the loud boy, who proceeded to sit next to him and continue talking anyways.

Things went on like that every day. Hajime would go to the same sandbox at the start of recess and Tooru would find him only a few minutes after he sat down. Hajime searched for bugs while Tooru built sandcastles and ranted about things random enough to occupy a five year old’s mind. Hajime never talked back- not because he disliked Tooru, but because he had nothing to say to him, and Tooru seemed content enough to hear himself talk.

Hajime wouldn’t go as far as to say he liked Tooru, but he at least tolerated his presence. His talking made for nice background noise while he conducted his bug searches, and the sandcastles he made were always pretty. Hajime also learned, however, that it didn’t take long for Tooru’s voice to get annoying. It was high and pitchy and distracting, and it couldn’t be completely drowned out because Tooru would get upset once he realized he wasn’t being listened to.

On the fourth day of their charade, Hajime finally grew tired of Tooru’s endless whining and rambling. They sat for about five minutes doing the same routine that day before Hajime picked up a nearby rock and launched it straight at Tooru’s head.

Looking back, this is the exact moment Hajime pinpoints as his great downfall. He’d meant to drive Tooru off, to make him shut up; but all he did was bite the pomegranate that had been extended to him since day one.

As soon as the rock collided with Tooru’s mouth, the two of them froze. For the first time since they’d met, Tooru was completely silent. He looked completely shocked, like this had come out of nowhere. In a split second of bliss, Hajime thinks it worked.

The sight of red set off alarms in his head.

He starts to regret his actions as soon as Tooru begins to cry- loud, dramatized sobs that have him shaking. His nose also starts to run, face red. It’s disgusting, but Hajime still feels awful. Glancing in the direction of where the teachers stand, he starts to panic.

Hajime moves forward, sitting up on his knees and slapping a and over Tooru’s mouth.

“Please don’t cry,” he rushes out, frantic. “I’m sorry, please don’t tell anyone.”

Tooru frowns under Hajime’s hand. “Mean Iwa-chan,” he spits out, slapping his arm away.

“I’m sorry,” Hajime continues. “Don’t tell the teacher.”

The brunet boy sniffles, crossing his arms. “Why not?”

“I’ll do something nice for you,” he promises. “Whatever you want, just don’t tell the teacher, okay?”

Tooru thinks on this long and hard, putting a finger to his chin. There’s still blood on his upper lip that makes Hajime cringe, frowning with guilt. He shifts impatiently in the sand while he waits for him to make up his mind, glancing back every now and then to make sure the teachers aren’t looking.

Finally, Tooru’s face lights up with an idea.

“Marry me!”

Hajime’s stomach drops, frown deepening. “What?”

“You said whatever I want,” Tooru pouts.

He’s not too sure about this. Hajime’s no expert on marriage, but he’s pretty sure it usually happens between a girl and a boy. He’s never heard of two boys getting married, but now that he thinks about it he can’t come up with a reason for why they shouldn’t. Most of the adults he knows are married, so he figured he’ll probably end up getting married someday. Might as well get it over with.

“Okay,” he grumbles.

“Yay, Iwa-chan!” Tooru squeals as he jumps forward to throw his arms around the other boy.

Hajime blushes. “Yeah, yeah. When do we do it?”

“Do what?”

“Get married.”

“Silly Iwa-chan,” Tooru pulls away, shaking his head. “We can’t get married yet, we have to wait until we’re older.”

“Oh,” Hajime blinks. He guesses that makes sense. “How old?”

“Like, fifty I think.”

Hajime’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. “Fifty?”

That seems so long. He’s sure that would take a million years at least. He doubts his parents waited that long to get married. Although, he doesn’t really know how old his parents are, so it might as well be true.

“Mhm,” Tooru smiles, satisfied. “And you’re not allowed to leave my side until then.”

“What about after?”

“Then you really can’t leave my side! You’ll be my wife.”

Hajime gags, making a face. “You’re the girl.”

“I asked you first,” Tooru insists. “That makes me the boy.”

Hajime has no idea how Tooru knows all these things about marriage, but he seems to be an expert so he figures he must be right. It’s still gross though, he doesn’t want to be Tooru’s wife. Three minutes ago, he didn’t even want to be Tooru’s friend.

“Can we both be the boy?” Hajime asks.

Tooru thinks on this. “I’ll allow it.”

And just like that, Tooru and Hajime were engaged for the first time.

~

They do everything together after that. They sit together in class, walk to recess together, eat lunch together, and ride the bus together. Once they find out they live in the same neighborhood, their mothers start arranging playdates for them after school and on the weekends. Soon, Hajime begins seeing a lot more of Oikawa Tooru than he ever expected to.

Tooru leads all of their adventures. He decides what they do at recess, instructs Hajime on how to build a proper pillow fort, and leads him through the woods behind his house when they decide to be explorers. Hajime doesn’t mind, the coolest guys in movies are never the leaders anyway. The strong silent ones are always the best, fighting off all the bad guys and declaring vengeance on the man who killed their father. He’s content to follow Tooru wherever he goes, looking really cool and mysterious in the process.

It may seem like an exaggeration, but Hajime is sure Tooru is the most imaginative person he knows. He always comes up with the best games to play after school and at recess. He’ll find random items in the woods or one of their rooms and instantly find a way to fit it into whatever fantasy game they’re playing that day.

Sometimes they’re pirates, searching for “treasure”(his sister’s jewelry box), other times they’re captives exploring an alien space-ship(the playhouse in Tooru’s backyard). Tooru’s favorite game to play was one where he would dress up as a prince and hide somewhere, pretending to be in danger. Hajime would have to dress as a knight and “rescue” him, often searching all around their neighborhood until he finally found him. Sometimes they would switch roles and Hajime would be the prince, but he must not have been as creative because Tooru always found him within the first five minutes.

Like most of the boys their age, they also played sports. Between the two of them, they owned almost every item for every sport imaginable. They would kick around a soccer ball in Hajime’s backyard, or toss a football in the middle of the street(their parents really didn’t like that). Tooru also had a short-lived but very intense baseball phase, and Hajime’s dad would drive the two of them to a nearby field so they could practice all day long to their hearts’ content. One day, out of the blue and in the middle of one of their games, Tooru decided he’d had enough of baseball.

He went through long periods of being deeply invested in a hobby, oftentimes it was something niche. These hobbies rarely held his interest for more than a month, but in the time he found himself captivated by said hobby he had a way of making it his entire personality. There was a solid two weeks where he couldn’t go more than ten minutes without bringing up fossils. Hajime never minded it, in fact he likes hearing about Tooru’s interests.

The first time Tooru brings a volleyball over to his house, Hajime figures it’s just another one of his monthly hobbies.

“I wanna try this!” He announces, voice leaving no room for argument. “I saw it on TV.”

Hajime makes a weird face at the object in his best friend’s hands. “Volleyball?”

“Yep!” Tooru smiles.

They go to Hajime’s backyard to throw it around, pausing in the living room to tell his mom where they’re going. It’s the middle of the day, and though they’re nearing fall the weather is still nice and sunny. Tooru instructs Hajime on what to do, ordering that they should stand across from each other as they’d seen kids do at recess. He corrects Hajime’s stance before moving to stand in front of him a few feet away. They stand there for a few minutes while Tooru examines the ball, as if trying to solve the world’s most difficult puzzle.

“So,” Hajime begins. “Um, what do we do?”

“Shh, I’m thinking.”

There was no use interrupting Tooru while he was thinking. If he decided he didn’t want to listen to something, it was like he couldn’t hear it at all. He would often zone out in the middle of conversations or when someone was talking to him. He had what his mother liked to call, “selective hearing”. In the months that they had spent attached at the hip, Hajime had grown accustomed to it by now so he didn’t question it when Tooru told him he needed silence.

His eyes are intensely focused, eyebrows drawn together sharply. He gives the ball an experimental toss, watching it curiously.

“I’m going to throw it,” he decides.

“Okay,” Hajime gets ready, prepared for the very real possibility that Tooru decided to launch the ball straight at his face.

When Tooru throws the ball, Hajime catches it easily in his hands. That feels….underwhelming. Just like a regular game of catch, nothing at all like what Tooru hyped it up to be.

One look at Tooru is enough to tell Hajime that he did something wrong. He has his hands on his hips, a stern pout on his face.

“That’s not how you’re supposed to do it,” he criticizes. “You’re supposed to hit it.”

“You do it then,” Hajime complains. “This is confusing.”

“But Iwa-chaaaaan,” he whines. “I wanna serve it.”

“Fine,” he grumbles.

He throws the ball back to Tooru, who catches it easily. They both have really good reflexes, so games like this usually come easily to them. He isn’t sure why Tooru is so determined to make this one difficult.

Tooru studies the ball again, taking a deep breath before giving it another experimental toss. It falls back into his hands and he looks zoned in. Like the only things that exist right now are him and the ball.

Hajime scowls. “Any day now.”

“I’m focusing!”

He rolls his eyes, still not faltering his stance. Tooru could still decide to hit him smack in the head if he lets his guard down.

Finally, Tooru throws the ball straight up, giving it a hard hit in Hajime’s direction.

Watching him makes the act look like it’s happening in slow motion. His arms curve into sort of an arch above his head when he throws up the ball. The look on his face is still intense and focused, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He jumps while the ball is still in the air, hitting the ball so hard that if Hajime didn’t know better, he would assume he was trying to break it.

Hajime moves fast, spiking the ball back at him with so much force that Tooru has to duck to avoid being hit.

Silence. Then Tooru smiles.

Now, Tooru gets excited very easily. Hajime has seen his face light up on many occasions- at the aquarium or the carnival- but never like this. Something unidentifiable clicks into place in that moment, something that feels monumental for the both of them. Tooru has never looked this happy in his life.

“That was amazing, Iwa-chan! Let’s do that again,” he jumps up and down a few times before running back to collect the ball.

They continue like that for what must have been hours. They take turns serving and spiking the ball, finding more difficult angles to hit it from and more complex ways to receive. Tooru looks over the moon with excitement, and Hajime finds the routine a lot more fun than he expected to. This feels different than what they usually do, normally Tooru would be bored with an activity after about an hour or two max. By the time their mothers come out to get them, the sun has already set.

“Have you boys been doing that all day?” Hajime’s mother asks, fondly.

Tooru’s mom looks more judgemental. “Your shirt is filthy.”

The brunet is undeterred by this, grabbing Hajime’s hand to pull him along as he walks over to them, the ball tucked safely under his other arm. His hair is wild and he’s covered in grass and dirt stains, and Hajime looks about the same. Evidence that they’ve been having fun, too caught up in their own entertainment to care a thing about what they look like.

“Iwa-chan and I have been playing volleyball!” He exclaims, holding the ball up to show them.

Tooru’s mother smiles down at them. “Is that so?”

The brunet nods. “Yes.”

“Well,” she says. “You’d better keep clean. You’ll never find a wife someday if you keep getting your clothes messy like that.”

It’s meant to be teasing, of course. Hajime’s mom laughs along with her and they smile at each other in that way that parents do- like they know something you don’t. Like their words have a secret meaning.

But Tooru, ever the stubborn one, takes it as a challenge.

“I don’t need to find a wife,” he sticks his tongue out, wrapping an arm around Hajime’s shoulders. “Iwa-chan’s gonna marry me.”

The two women gawk at this, looking like they had just watched a pig grow wings and fly off. Hajime blushes, looking away at the grass.

“Shut up.”

“Hajime,” his mother chastises. “That is not how we talk.”

“Sorry,” he mutters.

Then Tooru’s mom laughs, a delayed response. It even catches Hajime’s mom off-guard, and the three of them look at her incredulously.

“Oh honey,” she pats her son's head, still laughing. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” he crosses his arms, still stubborn. “He told me so.”

She stops laughing then, eyeing Hajime judgmentally before turning to his mother. “Is that so?”

“I’m sure the boys were just joking,” the woman says dismissively. “You know how children are, they don’t think anything about that.”

He’s not sure why, but Hajime suddenly feels very uncomfortable with this situation. He pulls away from Tooru, ignoring the hurt look on his face when he does so. He doesn’t know why he does it, nearly regrets it as soon as it happens, but he’s young and he doesn’t know anything and he just wants Tooru’s mother to stop frowning at him like that.

“Well, maybe you should talk to him,” she says, coldly. “Tooru, honey, let’s go home.”

“But Mooooom-”

“No buts, we’re going home now. You can see Hajime tomorrow.”

She grabs his hand and pulls him away, not even bothering to say goodbye to Hajime or his mother. Hajime still doesn’t understand what happened, but he feels like he did something wrong.

That night his parents sat him down to have a serious talk. They tell him that usually marriage happens between a man and a woman, but that sometimes it can happen between two men or two women. They say that there’s nothing wrong with this, that it’s completely normal, but a lot of people don’t like it. They also tell him never to judge anyone based on who they want to marry or love, and they make extra sure to harbor in the fact that they don’t care who he ends up marrying.

“We’ll love you no matter what,” his father promises.

“What about Tooru’s mom?” he asks.

His parents frown at each other.

“Tooru’s mom is not a hateful person,” his mom assures. “I’m sure she would love him no matter what. But she doesn’t think about things the same way we do.”

Now he wishes he hadn’t let Tooru leave. He’s not sure how he would’ve stopped him, but he wishes he had at least tried. He thinks about Tooru- loud, sweet, annoying, optimistic Tooru, having a much darker version of the same talk he’s getting right now. Tooru deserves parents that will tell him not to judge people, that they will love him no matter what. He may be young but he understands that much. His friend deserves better.

Moreover though, he can’t help but feel embarrassed. His mom was right, he hadn’t thought of marrying Tooru. He certainly never would have guessed it was something people could consider wrong or gross. He feels like he did something bad, like he was caught red-handed in the middle of a theft. The image of Tooru’s mother frowning down at him won’t leave his mind, and he sees it every time he closes his eyes. No amount of reassurance is able to ease the dreadful feeling in the pit of his stomach.

His parents tuck him into bed with extra care that night, telling him not to worry about what they said. They tell him that Tooru will be fine and that his parents are very lovely people. His dad even promises to call their house and ask if everything is okay. His mom plugs in his green porcupine nightlight to help him sleep.

He can’t stop thinking of Tooru when the lights go out. He thinks about their sandbox, their safe place. He thinks about their adventures in the woods, their bus rides, their lunches. He thinks about volleyball, and the way Tooru’s face lit up every time he served the ball. Most of all, he thinks about the promise they made to each other that day, and his mother’s face when he’d told her about it. For the first time in his young life, Hajime feels conflicted. These things are confusing and hard to talk about. He decides to stop thinking about it for now, drifting off with dreams of being able to see Tooru the next day.

~

Four years pass before their next engagement and they both turn nine. A lot has changed by then. For starters, they’ve both gotten taller, Tooru always staying a good few inches ahead of Hajime, much to the latter’s dismay. Ever since that fateful day in Hajime’s backyard, Tooru has rarely been seen without a volleyball in his hands. It makes Hajime think of High School Musical, when Chad carried a basketball to every class. He never wastes the opportunity to voice this thought, but Tooru always insists that he takes it as a compliment.

They haven’t discussed their old marriage pact since Tooru’s mom found out about it. The day afterwards, Hajime had hounded Tooru with questions about what happened but the other boy refused to talk about it. They played volleyball instead, joking around and bickering as if nothing happened. Now, the thought of the two of them getting married is just something they bring up in private whenever they both need to laugh.

They do not talk about what happened that day, nor the way Tooru’s mom reacted.

It’s irritating, but Hajime allows it. If Tooru is already upset, he doesn’t want to make him more upset by pressing him about it. He figures the best he can do now is cheer him up and distract him from whatever bothered him about the conversation he had with his parents.

Despite the initial fragile atmosphere, Hajime is just as rough with him as he was the day he threw a rock at his mouth. They shove each other frequently, and occasionally throw fists during fights. They wrestle(Hajime always wins) and throw things at each other, pinch each other and even bite each other sometimes(*cough* only Tooru does that *cough*).

As alarming as it is to adults, this is just part of their friendship. It’s how they show each other affection. Hajime liked to think he had been given the unique job of keeping Tooru in line. He became his best friend’s only impulse control, like he was holding the leash for an over-excited dog. He was there to stop him from overworking himself or ticking off the wrong person, there to chastise him about doing his homework. Once he became aware of this job he felt like he’d been entrusted with a prized possession. Hajime saw this duty out like it was just another task of life, like chores or school work.

They balanced each other out well. Tooru pushed Hajime to do his best in everything, encouraging him to work harder. In turn, Hajime made sure Tooru never got away with anything. They looked out for each other, teased each other, and kept each other in check. Really, it was a friendship forged in Heaven. At nine years old, Iwaizumi Hajime is sure he believes in soulmates, because he can’t find any other explanation for how him and Tooru work so well together. They must have been destined to meet each other.

Sometimes, when trying to keep Tooru in line, Hajime goes too far. During some of their quarrels, he hits him too hard, or says something too mean. He always apologizes profusely when he does this, and tries to be softer with him afterwards. Tooru will occasionally resort to the silent treatment, which lasts all of two minutes before he starts to miss his own voice. Occasionally, when Hajime does something to upset Tooru, he’ll ask his mother to take him to the store so he can buy something for him. Other times he’ll just offer to play extra volleyball with him that day, it depends on how upset his friend looks. Tooru never has to worry about apologizing when he hurts Hajime’s feelings, because Hajime always forgives him before the accident is even made.

It’s not that he doesn’t get sad, or that he’s never been hurt by his friend. He can never bring himself to stay mad at Tooru, and his mother always tells him to be forgiving so he sees no use in drawing out arguments. Tooru is very dramatic sometimes, and if anyone ever does something to even slightly make him uneasy, he decides to make it everyone’s problem. He likes to whine and cry and make a big scene and point the blame at others. Hajime lets him carry on with the act until he’s had enough and has to tell him to shut up. What’s amazing is that Tooru almost always listens, albeit with mild complaining. In a way, it makes Hajime feel heard. He’s used to people talking over him or ignoring him, but Tooru always listens diligently as if Hajime’s word is law. Tooru may be the designated leader between the two of them, but Hajime is their voice of reason. If he has any criticism to offer Tooru, the brunet takes it into account and thinks over it very carefully. It’s a dynamic that they fall into easily- again, like they were made for each other.

At this age, Hajime is sure he knows everything. How could he not when Tooru of all people listens to him? With the way Tooru looks at him, he’s sure he could move mountains if he tried. But Hajime is still young, and he doesn’t know everything. That fact hits him right in the face one day when he finally pushes too hard.

It happens on a gleefully normal day. It’s a bright summer afternoon and Tooru is leading them through the woods, each of them carrying a net in their hands for bug-catching. They’re marching through the forest, Tooru singing some radio pop song at the top of his lungs while Hajime leers at him from behind.

They walk on through the greenery, stopping to marvel at a few lizards and bugs that catch their attention. Hajime’s got on a Green Lantern t-shirt and Tooru is wearing a blue shirt with a large picture of Mickey Mouse in the center. They bought them together at a graphic-tee shop near a beach their families visited together last summer. The shirts are both slightly worn by now but that makes them perfect for outdoor activities. When Tooru first bought his, his mother had refused to let him wear it anywhere but school considering how much money it had cost. His father seconded this by going on about how overpriced those tourist shops were and how Tooru was lucky they let him buy it in the first place. He seems proud to be wearing it now, as though he’s finally won some long-standing battle against his parents.

Hajime watches Tooru in all his glory now, sun shining through the overhead of green above them and casting streams of light across his smiling face. Marching with total confidence like he knows exactly where he’s going, singing a song proudly even though he’s very off-key. He has a nice voice, but he doesn’t bother to try and harmonize. It doesn’t seem like he cares though, content to do whatever as long as he’s having fun.

Eventually they reach a small rock quarry in the middle of a clearing deep in the woods. They don’t usually go this far, their parents always tell them not to. They’ve seen it a few times, when Tooru’s sister decides to go out with them. But Tooru seems to be feeling extra adventurous today, so they find themselves here.

The two of them stand at the edge, looking down at the rocky area below them. The water is farther down, more centered. Flat ground surrounds it, almost resembling a pool more than a lake. Even when Tooru’s sister came with them, they never went down there. The rocks on the way down are too sharp and undeven, easy to fall and get hurt on. It’s wider than it is deep, and if you tried to jump from where they were standing the worst you would get is a sprained ankle. Best not to risk anything.

“I want to swim!” Tooru announces, throwing his net down.

Hajime blinks at him, taken aback. Surely he must be out of his mind.

“Are you crazy?” Hajime snaps. “You’d kill yourself on the way down.”

Tooru meets his eyes, large pools of brown filled with determination. “I can do it.”

“No,” Hajime says. “You couldn’t.”

He stomps. “Yes I could!”

“Your mom would kill you.”

“I don’t care what my mom thinks.”

They usually fight over stupid stuff like this, it should feel like nothing out of the ordinary. But there’s something different this time, the unmistakable presence of a real threat. Warning signs flash the word “danger” in Hajime’s mind and he’s determined to stop Tooru no matter what.

“You have to listen to her,” he continues, trying to reason. “If she doesn’t want you to do something it’s probably for a good reason.”

“She’s stupid,” Tooru sticks his tongue out. “She doesn’t know anything.”

Hajime frowns. “You shouldn’t call your mom stupid.”

“Easy for you to say, Iwa-chan,” he flails his arms around exasperatedly. “Your mom is so cool.”

Well he can’t argue with that, his mom is pretty cool. But Tooru’s mom is cool too. She buys them ice cream and takes them to see movies and plans nice vacations. Tooru doesn’t seem to get along with her, but some families are different. At least that’s what his dad told him. Tooru still loves his family, Hajime would know if he didn’t, but they argue a lot. His dad yells at him and his mom picks at everything he does. His sister is also a know-it-all, but the two of them are similar in a lot of ways. They all have their issues, but Hajime’s never heard Tooru talk about his mother like this before.

“If you don’t want to listen to your mom,” Hajime continues, slowly, “then listen to me.”

“No.”

Something about that sets Hajime off. He’s used to Tooru easily complying whenever he puts his foot down, used to having more control over the situation. Now there’s actual danger and he has absolutely no control and that scares him- it makes him angry.

He gives Tooru a slight shove.

“Don’t be a moron.”

“Iwa-chan’s the moron,” he shoves him back.

“Why can’t you just listen to your mom?”

He almost regrets the question when a look of hurt flashes across his friend’s face. He thinks back to that day in the yard, the way Tooru’s mother had reacted when the boy had proudly proclaimed his intentions to marry Hajime. They never did get the chance to discuss what happened afterwards.

“You don’t even know my mom,” Tooru said, standing his ground. “So shut up.”

In that moment, something flares inside of Hajime and he loses any sense of remorse he had for hurting Tooru’s feelings before. Children act purely on impulse most of the time, and even a child as rational as Hajime wasn’t immune to this truth.

“Fine,” he clenched his fists. “If you wanna swim so badly, then go swim.”

He gives Tooru another harsh shove, this time closer to the edge.

As soon as it happens, Hajime is mortified with what he’s done. He immediately reaches out, even though it’s no use. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so panicked and helpless in his life as he watches Tooru fall backwards helplessly to the flat, rocky ground at the quarry’s floor. He sits on his knees to lean over the edge as he desperately prays that Tooru is okay.

A loud sob from below is enough to tell him he’s messed up, and in an instant he’s making his way to the bottom of the quarry as quickly as he can while still minding the tricky descent. On his way down, he slips and cuts his arm against one of the sharp rock edges. He doesn’t linger on it, knowing that Tooru is probably hurting much worse. Still, the sight of blood spilling down his arm makes him dizzy.

He’s frantic once he reaches Tooru, kneeling beside him and turning him over on his back so he can get a better look at him. Fortunately, he doesn’t look too bad. There’s a small gash in his forehead and a cut on his arm similar to the one Hajime has. He’s covered in dirt from the fall and his face is twisted in pain, so it must have hurt regardless. What’s really concerning is the way he’s clutching his ankle.

“I’m so sorry,” Hajime cries, tears falling from the corners of his eyes. “I didn’t mean to- I’m so sorry.”

“Mean Iwa-chan,” Tooru frowns, but it’s half-hearted. He’s trying so hard to be playful and annoying even when he’s in pain.

Hajime pushes his chestnut bangs away from his forehead to get a better look at the cut. He cringes at the sight. It should heal eventually but it might leave a scar for a few months.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks out. “I shouldn’t have done that. I got mad but I shouldn’t have. Are you okay?”

“M’okay,” Tooru groans.

A million thoughts run through Hajime’s head as he panics about what to do. He thinks back to every injury he’s ever had, what did his mother do in those situations? She usually disinfected the wound first, then applied antiseptic and a band-aid. Afterwards, she would kiss the woud to help it heal faster.

There’s an idea.

Moving on instinct, he presses his lips to Tooru’s forehead, ignoring the indignation on his friend’s face at the action. He moves to his arm next, and then to his ankle- which looks pretty banged up just as he’d suspected. By the time he’s done, his lips are stained cherry red.

Tooru blinks up at him, confusion overtaking the pain. “Why did you do that?”

“I’ll marry you.”

“What?”

“To make it up to you, I’ll marry you. I said I would do it before so I was hoping it would work this time.”

A look of disgust passes over Tooru’s face. “You shouldn’t say things like that, Iwa-chan. And you shouldn’t kiss me.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re both boys.”

Of course, no wonder he hadn’t said anything about marriage in the past four years. While Hajime’s parents were preaching to him about acceptance, Tooru’s parents were probably telling him the exact opposite. It’s only natural he would listen to them. Tooru’s probably disgusted with him right now. And with the way he just pushed him, he should be.

Something dawns on him just then, about marriage. He’s never seen his father push his mother or vice versa. And couples in movies were always disgustingly sweet with one another, kissing under umbrellas and slow dancing. Tooru may be his best friend, but if he really intends to marry him one day he’ll have to treat him different, gentler. Surely you shouldn’t push your husband into a quarry. Husbands should be cherished, taken care of. How can he make those promises to Tooru if he’s not going to treat him like the most important person in the world? Even if they’re not married, Tooru is still Hajime’s favorite person. He should be careful with him.

The revelation only worsens his guilt at the situation. The pain on Tooru’s face mixed with his wounds and the red that seems to be everywhere. But he now sees that the pain Tooru experiences goes a lot deeper than what he’s feeling right now.

“What did your parents tell you?” He blurts out.

Tooru shakes his head. “Iwa-chan, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That night we first played volleyball together,” he elaborates. “I assume your parents had a talk with you like my parents did. What did they say?”

He averts his gaze, eyes filling with a different type of pain. “What do you expect? They told me boys can’t marry other boys. That they would never let me do something like that.”

Hajime’s heart breaks at that and he suddenly understands more clearly why Tooru didn’t want to listen to his mom, why the rest of his family was so hard on him.

“That’s not what my parents said,” Hajime rushes to explain. “They told me that it’s normal, that you should accept people who do that. They said they don’t care who I marry, that they’ll love me no matter what.”

“My parents said they’d love me too,” Tooru snaps, defensively. “But they also said they wouldn’t approve of it.”

Everything starts to click into place like a puzzle he never wanted to solve. The mean looks his mom and sister would sometimes give them, the things their parents argued over that seemed silly. One time Tooru’s mother claimed that Hajime got too close to her son in the pool and it had caused a big, blown-out fight between the four of them.

Hajime also knows that Tooru’s dad yells at him a lot when he’s at home. He notices how Tooru covers his ears at screaming and loud noises, and the way he always acts more himself when they have sleepovers at Hajime’s house instead of his. He’s a cuddler, and likes to sleep with the covers all the way up to his chin. Things hadn’t been like that before that night.

Overcome by a wave of emotion, he pulls Tooru into his arms, ignoring the grossed out noises he makes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because I pushed you,” he answers, simply. “And because you don’t like your parents.”

Tooru huffs out a laugh. “I like my parents. It’s just that sometimes I don’t think they like me.”

Now Tooru’s crying again, and Hajime feels even worse for bringing it up. He hopes it feels good for Tooru to let it all out, hopes that something good came of this horrible mistake. They’re too young to be having such a heavy conversation, and Hajime wishes they didn’t have to talk about these things. Maybe once they get Tooru bandaged up they’ll be able to eat cake and watch a movie and cheer up. Forget about this for a little bit until Tooru has to go back home and deal with more of that awkwardness that Hajime desperately wishes he could protect him from.

Tooru’s ankle is a bloody mess and it takes some effort to get them both out of the quarry. Once the hard part’s over with, they still have the walk home to worry about. It doesn’t take much for Tooru to convince Hajime to carry him bridal-style(he may be tall but he weighs practically nothing). The walk is surprisingly easier that way, and Tooru makes less noise.

They go to Hajime’s house instead of Tooru’s, knowing that his mother will be more understanding. She’ll probably even offer to break the news to Tooru’s parents herself. Hajime really hopes they aren’t too upset when they find out. He can’t imagine what he would do if they forbade Tooru from hanging out with him after this.

As predicted, his mother handles the situation better than they expected. She does yell at Hajime for what he did, but he supposes he deserves that. She grounds him from video games for the next two weeks and then takes Tooru into the bathroom where she keeps the first-aid kit so she can patch him up. It does look like his ankle may need to be examined by a doctor, but they’ll need to tell his parents first since they will need to be the ones to take him.

She sends Tooru to wait in Hajime’s room with ice cream while she works on her son’s arm. The cut is deep, but it doesn’t look like it will need stitches. She disinfects the wound before wrapping it in white bandage-cloth, giving it a kiss as per-routine. She tells him to wait with Tooru in his room while she calls the boy’s parents.

He knows he’s going to be lectured for his actions when his dad gets home, but he can’t bring himself to care. If anything, he’s glad someone will be mad at him if Tooru won’t. Really, he’s far more concerned about how Tooru’s family will react.

He walks slowly to his room, scared that as soon as he opens the door Tooru will have changed his mind and decided to hate him. Everything feels surreal and overwhelming, he can’t believe he did something so horrible and he’s terrified to face the consequences. He can only hope his dear friend finds it in his heart to forgive him.

When he gets to his room though, Tooru is lying comfortably back against his pillows with a bowl of ice cream in his lap. He wears the same bandages Hajime does around his forehead, arm, and a thicker one around his ankle. Hajime pulls up his desk chair to sit next to him, not wanting to crowd his space on the bed.

Tooru’s brown eyes widen when he looks at him, pointing at his arm. “You’re hurt.”

Hajime shrugs. “It’s nothing, You should be worried about yourself.”

“I already told you,” Tooru sighs. “I’m fine.”

“Your ankle-”

“It doesn’t hurt too bad, I’m sure it’s not broken or anything. I’m just worried about what my parents will say.”

“It was my fault,” Hajime reassures. “Don’t worry about it.”

Tooru shifted. “They’ll be mad at me anyways.”

They’re silent after that, basking in the conclusion to a very chaotic evening. The air feels somewhat relaxed and not entirely unpleasant, but Hajime’s stomach still churns. He wants to reach out, to comfort Tooru but he doesn’t know how. After all, he’s done enough already.

What’s most peculiar about this whole situation is the way Tooru doesn’t seem upset with him, and doesn't even appear to blame him in the slightest. He looks almost calm right now. Maybe he realized he shouldn’t have pressed about swimming in the first place? But that would be ridiculous, even if he was being stubborn Hajime had no reason to push him. He really hopes Tooru isn’t blaming himself right now.

“Did you mean what you said earlier?” Tooru says, suddenly. “About marrying me?”

And that was the last thing Hajime expected him to bring up right now, but he thinks on it carefully anyways. Did he want to marry Tooru? He can’t think of any good reason not to. He’s sure he would be a terrible husband right now, but they’ve got time. He can work on things, learn to be kinder. Besides, Tooru looks sort of cozy right now and he feels bad for him. Really, it’s the least he can do.

“Yes.”

Tooru gives him a small smile, taking him by surprise once more when he leans over to press a swift kiss to the bandage on his arm.

“Good.”

~

Time passes and nothing seems to stay the same. Middle school approaches and as soon as Hajime takes a seat in his first class, he realizes he’s entered a completely different world. For starters, the teachers are a lot tougher, and the students a lot meaner. It’s a good thing that growing up with Tooru helped him develop thick skin. He has to make conscious efforts to adjust, but fitting in becomes easy when it’s the only option.

Adapting to a new environment is a tricky task at first. Learning which things they used to enjoy are still cool and which ones are now considered lame. It’s like a less glorified version of a teen movie. Tooru adjusts quicker, but the fact that they’re friends means that Hajime automatically starts out with higher status, so he’s not complaining.

The rocky atmosphere is broken when he and Tooru meet Hanamaki Takahiro and Matsukawa Issei, two boys in their homeroom class. The two of them seem to fit in with his and Tooru’s odd sense of humor easily, and soon they form a sort of friend group. It’s a weird adjustment after they spent so many years together just the two of them, but a welcomed one nonetheless. Takahiro and Issei also met in elementary school, so they end up being just as in sync with each other as Hajime and Tooru are.

Soon enough, the four of them are inseparable. They have every class together- including lunch- and to top it all off they’re all on the volleyball team. Oh, right, volleyball- how could Hajime ever forget.

If Tooru liked volleyball at age nine, by age twelve he is fully obsessed with it. He quite literally cannot go five minutes without talking about it, and the amount of time he spends practicing is insane. Tooru eats, sleeps and breathes volleyball. Him and Hajime both manage to make the starting lineup, which Hajime attributes to the years spent practicing for hours in their backyards until Tooru was satisfied(which might as well have been never).

He can’t really complain though, volleyball is probably the highlight of middle school. It’s also an excuse to work out without Tooru making fun of him and calling him a brute. So what if he wants to have nice arms someday? Sue him.

That, however, brings up the worst part of middle school- puberty.

Everyone starts to look like awkward mixes of children and adults, some kids sporting facial hair while others still look baby-faced. Acne keeps popping up no matter what fancy face creams Hajime uses, and hair starts growing in weird places. The changes wouldn’t be so unbearable if some kids weren’t allergic to deodorant. Unfortunately though, that’s far from the worst part.

Hajime had always been a little insecure about his height, so when Tooru comes over to his house one day and suggests they measure their dicks, he nearly falls out of his chair. He tried to shut it down, really, but then Tooru started suggesting that he was only against it because he was insecure and, well….he’s never been one to turn down a bet.

“We’ll make it a competition,” he explains.

“Why the fuck would we do that?”

He doesn’t receive any elaboration.

Tooru suggests they do it once a month so they can “chart their progress”.

It turns out to be not as bad as he expected. Him and Tooru have showered or bathed together on multiple occasions so it’s nothing he hasn’t seen. Of course, they’re a bit old for that now; and Tooru’s snickering when he wins the first time does nothing to help Hajime warm up to the game. Fortunately, Tooru gets bored of it after the first four months.

Weird competitions aside, Tooru seems to bloom throughout middle school. Hajime feels as though every time he looks at him, the boy gets brighter. He’s not sure if it’s possible for a person to actually glow when you look at them, but Tooru had never cared about sticking to the norm. Sometimes Hajime wonders if Tooru is even human, because he can’t think of a person he’s met who acts and looks the same way he does.

For starters, his eyes literally sparkle; as though someone took a handful of stars and put them in Tooru’s eyes. His lips get pinker(were they that pink before??? Hajime never noticed it), and his hair gets thicker and darker. He also starts styling it, and Hajime can’t decide if he likes it more natural or after Tooru spends an hour getting it to look perfect. His skin is smooth, another part of him that appears to glow. His athleticism is on a whole other level, probably because of his endless practicing, and soon Hajime finds himself in awe of his best friend even when he’s holding a volleyball.

Girls begin to flock to him like the earth to the sun, crowding him in the halls and waiting outside of all his classes. Hajime finds it mildly irritating and a little embarrassing. Sure, Tooru is handsome, but he’s also just some guy. He couldn’t imagine humiliating himself by following him around like that(which is sort of what he already does but never like that).

Soon enough, Hajime becomes known as The Most Popular Guy In School’s Best Friend. Not necessarily known by name, but not unknown either. Subsequently, he gains a few admirers too, but unlike Tooru he avoids them like the plague. He will never understand Tooru’s fascination with leading girls on, making a show of keeping their love letters with no intention of replying to them. Issei and Takahiro call him a “heartbreaker in training”, but Hajime thinks he’s just trying to cover up the fact that he has no actual relationship experience.

Tooru does occasionally tease him about being the less popular one between the two of them, but Hajime would never admit when some of the comments got to him. He doesn’t need approval from girls to know he’s alright. He doesn’t think he’s ever been especially good looking, definitely not in the way Tooru is, but he doesn’t think he’s ugly either. He’s comfortable with being Tooru’s right-hand man if that’s what makes him likable. At least he’s a step above Issei and Takahiro.

The girls bring a whole other problem though. Eventually, girls are all Tooru, Issei and Takahiro want to talk about. They become obsessed, filling all of their conversations with rather….descriptive topics about the girls in their class. This doesn’t officially start happening until their second year, but once it starts it feels like it will never stop. Hajime begins to understand the meaning of “locker room talk”, but instead of wanting to join in he just feels disgusted by it.

There’s a scary side to the situation though, one Hajime tries not to think about. He has no desire to join in at all. Not because he’s squeamish about the conversations themselves, but because he can’t think of any girls to talk about. None of the girls in any of their classes interest him, not even celebrities or girls from other schools. He can’t recall a time in his life where he even noticed girls like that. He wants to assume he just hasn’t hit that side of puberty yet, but deep down he knows it’s something else.

He will never forget the first time Tooru called him gross when he joked about marrying him. He also can’t tune out the way his friends start to call things “gay” as an insult, the jokes they make whenever they see two men together in public or on television. He never says anything, even though he knows he should probably tell them to knock it off. The thought that they might aim those jokes at him if he says anything is enough to make him feel sick to his stomach. He never wants Tooru to say anything like that to him again.

For some reason, Issei decides he is the perfect person to confide in about masturbation. When he asks why he’s talking to him of all people about this, his reasoning is simply that the other guys on the team would make fun of him. As much as he likes to yell at people, Hajime has always been a nice person at heart; so if talking about something like that makes one of his closest friends feel more comfortable with growing up, of course he’ll listen to him. He just wishes Issei wasn’t so graphic about it.

He talks about the way he does it, how often he does it, who and what he thinks about. It doesn’t make Hajime uncomfortable but holy shit he wishes Issei would leave out a few details. Eventually Tooru and Takahiro join in on these talks, and Hajime’s sanity can only take so much. It’s not that he’s particularly fainthearted or conservative, but he really does not want to hear his friends talk about girls. Or their dicks. He probably should have mentioned the dicks first.

Of fucking course they have to ask him why he doesn’t do it, which he doesn’t exactly have a solid answer for. Because he does do it, every now and then, but it’s never girls he thinks about. The guilt every time is enough to eat him alive, but there’s only one person that comes to mind on those occasions.

He decides it’s not gay, that the only reason he does it is because no girls have caught his attention yet. He must be a late bloomer, and those thoughts about his friend will go away as soon as he gets an actual crush. Tooru’s the closest friend he has and girls haven’t clicked for him yet, so it’s only natural he would start to think that way about him. It probably happens to tons of guys but since it’s so embarrassing to talk about, no one knows about it.

The important thing is, it will pass.

Fall of their second year brings about even more changes. The masturbation talk dies down once they realize it’s a totally normal thing and it loses its excitement. Their volleyball team is really good, and the coach is really adamant about staying that way so they end up practicing a lot. It’s time consuming, but Hajime doesn’t mind it. The extra work does pay off, and it’s more time to spend with his friends, so he can’t complain. The exercise also finally starts to pay off in his arms, even if the change isn’t that noticeable yet.

None of these changes are unwelcome, in fact, they make school more bearable. That is, until the biggest change of all comes.

Tooru gets a girlfriend.

At first, Hajime thinks he’s joking. He has many admirers and flirts a lot, sure, but Hajime never thought he would actually go out with any of them. Sure enough though, by the time November rolls around, Tooru becomes the first in their group to get a girlfriend.

Her name is Yoshiko, and Hajime can’t find anything wrong with her. She’s objectively cute, with short brown hair and wide brown eyes. She’s shorter than Tooru by a few inches, and a little shy. She seems to cling to him whenever she hangs out with the four of them, laughing nervously at all their jokes. Hajime almost feels bad for her, that she’s so sweet and she has to date an asshole like Tooru.

Neither Issei nor Takahiro act surprised when they get together- in fact, both of them claim to have expected it. Apparently the two lovebirds had been flirting for weeks now, going through a major phase of “will they, won’t they”. Now that he thinks about it, Hajime can vaguely recall Tooru mentioning her a few thousand times in the last few days. Really, he should have seen this coming.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Yoshiko. If anything, she’s a complete angel who deserves better than Tooru. She goes to all of their games, brings her friends along to hang out with the four of them, and at one point even sets up a double date with Hajime and one of her friends. The girl’s name was Fuyumi, and she talked a lot more than Yoshiko did. She wore her dark hair in a high ponytail and dressed in cute, flower-patterned outfits. She was outgoing and loud in a way that was more welcoming than it was annoying(unlike Tooru). They go out to a diner that Yoshiko and Tooru picked out for milkshakes and she makes everyone laugh the entire time. Hajime has every reason to like her like that, but for some reason he can’t bring himself to.

When she asks him to go out again, just the two of them, he says yes. He figures it’ll be a good experiment, and his friends seem proud of him for it. Takahiro claps him on the back and Issei proclaims that it’s, “about time”. Tooru calls him a lady-killer.

They end up going to the movies and to grab dinner afterwards. Hajime pays and holds the door open for her just like his mother always tells him. They get popcorn and Fuyumi holds his hand during the movie. He resists the urge to pull it away, trying his best to focus on the movie itself. It’s some action movie Fuyumi picked out(thank god they have the same taste, although Hajime has always preferred sci-fi). Afterwards they go to an Italian place that Fuyumi says is her favorite. He learns that she plays for the school’s softball team as a catcher, and that her favorite flowers are lilies. She wears a ring on her thumb and she cares a lot about music. Her favorite animals are cats and she has a strawberry addiction. She’s so….lovely. There’s no other way to describe her. She’s literally the perfect person, the perfect girl. Hajime’s doesn’t have a type, but if he did he’s sure Fuyumi would fit that exact standard. How could she not, when she’s so amazing in every possible way?

But somehow, everything about it feels wrong. Fuyumi wears glasses, square ones that resemble Tooru’s too much. And she grabs Hajime’s hand to lead him places the way Tooru used to when they were younger. She wears a flannel shirt on their date, similar to one Tooru used to wear. She laughs too loud during the movie for a public theater, like Tooru always does and-

He feels sick. The entire time he’s with Fuyumi, he has such a good time- a blast, really. He should like her, he should be thinking about when their next date could be and asking for her number and wanting to be her boyfriend. Instead, he wishes they were just here as friends. Even worse, he wishes she were a guy.

Thankfully, she’s incredibly understanding when he says he just wants to be friends. She even looks like she expected this, like she was hoping for it. It’s relieving, but nothing can calm the panic Hajime feels afterwards.

He goes home that night, ignoring texts from Takahiro and Issei asking how the date went. He stares at the ceiling and wonders what went wrong, why he wasn’t able to just be normal. What does the universe have against him that it had to make him feel this way? Why can’t he just like Fuyumi and do what everyone else expects him to do?

His mom knocks on his door that night and he panics.

“Go away,” he calls, cringing at how rude he sounds.

“Hajime, honey?” She sounds concerned. “Is everything okay? I just wanted to ask how your date went.”

“Everything’s fine,” he says, unconvincingly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I brought leftover agedashi tofu.”

He reluctantly lets her come in and sit next to him on his bed while they eat the tofu together. They don’t say anything at first, his mom has always had a way of knowing the best ways to cheer him up. She’s a doctor, so she’s used to seeing people at their worst- and she knows exactly how to make them better.

The silence over them is heavy but comforting, Hajime’s never liked to be alone when he’s upset. He tries to think of something to say. He knows what he wants to say, but for some reason the words get caught in his throat. How do you even put something like this into words? If he says it, will he regret it afterwards? How will she react? That familiar sickness returns to his stomach and he suddenly loses his appetite.

“So how was the date?” His mom asks, politely.

He hesitates a moment before responding, still unsure of what to say. He still isn’t sure he can talk without throwing up.

“I don’t think I like Fuyumi.”

The room freezes. Hajime’s not sure when he started shaking, but suddenly he can’t keep his hands still. His mom doesn’t look noticeably deterred, but he still feels like he’s sitting on the edge of a knife as he waits for her to respond.

“Oh?” She smiles, calmly.

His face feels wet, and he distantly notes that it’s because he’s crying. Pathetic. Tooru would probably laugh if he saw him now.

“I don’t like girls,” he makes the realization as the words fall out of his mouth.

His mother’s smile grows more sympathetic, comforting. She puts a hand on his back, rubbing in circles. He leans into her embrace, letting her pull him into a side-hug. She kisses the top of his head, letting him cry into her shoulder.

“I know, honey,” she says. “It’s okay. That’s completely normal.”

“It doesn’t feel normal,” he chokes out.

“You just have to give it time,” she reassures. “You’ll learn to love that part of yourself. Your father and I already love you so much, do you really think something like this could ever change that?”

He doesn’t respond, just lets himself be comforted while he stares at the wall in shock. It feels like something he has always known, at least in the back of his mind. He’s tried hard to deny it lately, but it isn’t something that goes away easily.

“I’m proud of you for telling me.”

Instinctively, he hugs his mother back, turning his face into her shoulder. It feels childish and embarrassing, but he can’t bring himself to care. So many thoughts are crashing around him right now, and he’s terrified of everything. He knows he’ll have to tell Tooru one day, it’s inevitable. They’re best friends, the only way to avoid that would be for Hajime to either never date or to find a woman he can stand and marry her. That wouldn’t be very fair to the woman, but it somehow sounds better than losing Tooru as a friend.

That night feels oddly similar to the night he and Tooru first played volleyball together. The atmosphere feels like it’s made out of glass and could shatter at any point. He hugs his parents extra hard when he tells them goodnight, and he hardly gets a wink of sleep. He has the same nightlight he had at nine years old, a sentimental item that Tooru occasionally teases him about even though he sleeps with one too. His is blue and shaped like three stars connected to each other. Hajime sometimes stares at it when they have sleepovers at Tooru’s house and he can’t sleep(which never lasts long because he always sleeps better around Tooru).

Whenever Hajime is alone and can’t sleep, he pretends Tooru is beside him. He thinks back to every sleepover they’ve ever had, runs through the memory of Tooru’s breath on the pillow beside him. He thinks about the times Tooru would sleep facing him- Tooru always slept on his side and Hajime always slept on his back. He blames that arrangement for Tooru’s habit of grabbing his arm.

The peaceful look on his face with his eyes closed, long lashes casting a shadow below his eyes. His pink lips are always slightly parted, which is probably to blame for his gross habit of drooling in his sleep. He sleeps with his legs tucked below him and his arms beside him on the pillow. Occasionally one of those arms will link with Hajime’s, or be thrown over his torso.

Hajime recalls these memories in his most restless moments, and they help sing him to sleep. He doesn’t let himself think too hard about the meaning behind it, or how this habit started. He’s been doing it for as long as he can remember, so he figures it’s just an old childhood habit that he can’t let go of because of nostalgia. Tooru is a huge part of his childhood, so of course he feels comfortable around him.

He ends up sleeping with ease that night, all worries of Fuyumi and their date leaving his mind.

The next day goes surprisingly normal. He tells his father over breakfast, seeing no reason to keep it from him. It startles the poor man so badly that he spills his coffee, but he’s kind and accepting nonetheless.

“That’s great, son,” he smiles, cleaning the coffee with a nearby napkin. “I’m glad you told me. Any particular boys in mind?”

Hajime dodges that question like the plague, making up an excuse about not being able to talk because he needs to get to school even though he ends up leaving earlier than usual.

He waits for Tooru at their usual spot on the sidewalk like he does every day, ignoring the panic he feels at the thought of seeing his friend after the revelation he just had. He can’t tell Tooru today. He’s not sure when he’ll be able to tell him(if he’ll ever be able to tell him, that is) but today is definitely not the day. It’s way too soon and Hajime doesn’t know how he’d even tell him. His parents were easy because they talked about that stuff often, but he and Tooru always avoided that subject. And if the jokes he made with Takahiro and Issei are anything to go off of, he doubts Tooru will take the news well.

When Tooru shows up that morning, loud and waving at him obnoxiously as usual, Hajime feels his heart skip a beat. Then his stomach drops.

“Iwa-chan! You never texted me back last night. How did things go with Fuyumi?”

His face falls and heats up at the same time, and despite the cool temperature things suddenly feel way too hot.

As Tooru approaches him, Hajime feels the urge to back away. Still, he remains in place, feet seemingly glued to the pavement. Any doubt he had before now that Tooru had a secret skin care routine leaves his mind because it has got to be impossible for any teenager's skin to look that clear. Once again, he practically glows, and the soft morning light only amplifies his perfections. His brown eyes shine, making him resemble a celestial being looking down on a mere human. They say puberty doesn’t happen overnight, but Tooru looks like he gets blessed by Aphrodite every time he blinks.

“Iwa-chan? Are you listening to me?”

Fuck.

He snaps his fingers in front of Hajime’s face. “Helloooooooo, Ground Control to Major Tom. Can you hear me?”

“You never shut up, it’s impossible not to hear you.”

Shit shit shit shit. This cannot be happening. Not now, not today, not ever.

“Really? ‘Cuz you seemed kinda zoned out there.”

“I’m fine, dumbass,” he snaps. “It’s just early.”

“You’re so weird,” he giggles.

Hajime can’t really argue with him there. Only a weirdo would be feeling this way about his best friend on a random Monday morning in the middle of November.

Butterflies rise in his stomach against his will, and he feels like he might puke them up soon if he keeps looking at Tooru. The bastard looks so good in the sunlight(really, he looks good all the time, but right now Hajime is going to choose to blame it on the sun), it’s impossible to look away from him but at the same time it feels illegal to do so. He feels like he shouldn’t be allowed to look at Tooru, that to look at him is a privilege Hajime does not deserve.

Tooru babbles on about how Hajime should have called him and how, as his best friend, he should be the first to know how the date went. He mentions that he is really the one to thank for getting the two of them together, but that Yoshiko deserves some of the credit as well for being Fuyumi’s friend. That, of course, gets him distracted in a long rant about Yoshiko and how they talked on the phone last night and she had the cutest laugh. He talks about how they hugged for the first time the other day(a story Hajime’s already heard at least fifteen times). He goes over details that Hajime already has memorized, like how soft Yoshiko’s skin is and how good her hair smells.

“Oh, Iwa-chan,” Tooru sighs. “When a girl hugs you, you can feel her tits against your chest. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

Hajime resists the urge to hurl at that.

“Gross,” he gags. “I don’t need to know that much.”

“It’s true though!” Tooru persists. “You would know it if you hugged Fuyumi, although she’s sorta flat-chested. Sorry about that.”

Everything about that sentence feels disgusting, and Hajime hopes the look he gives Tooru is enough to portray that.

“I don’t care about stuff like that,” he states.

“Aww, Iwa-chan’s such a gentleman,” the brunet teases. “Anyways, tell me how the date went!”

Tired of hearing Tooru talk about Yoshiko’s breasts, Hajime caves. He searches his brain for things to say, trying to recall what happened. It had been nice, but the conversation he had with his mom afterwards had been so heavy that he almost forgot everything before it.

“It was good,” he mutters out. “We went to the movies, she held my hand.”

“Ooooh,” Tooru nudges him.

He rolls his eyes, ignoring the way his heart jumps in his chest. “I had fun but I don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere, we decided to just be friends. I don’t really like her like that.”

Tooru raises an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“I dunno,” Hajime shrugs, trying to keep his rising panic to a minimum. “Guess she’s just not my type.”

“Then what is your type?”

“Stop interrogating me.”

Tooru huffs. “I’m not interrogating you, I’m just asking you questions. You never wanna talk about this stuff.”

“You talk about it enough for the both of us.”

“You’ve seen my girlfriend, can you blame me?”

Really, Hajime can’t argue with such a statement. He may not be able to think of her like that, but can somewhat understand what Tooru sees in Yoshiko. She’s pretty and fun to be around, what more could you ask for in a person?

“I guess not.”

“Woah, don’t get too comfortable. She’s mine.”

That sounds a little possessive, but Hajime has heard worse from straight people.

“You can have her,” Hajime glares.

“C’mon, Iwa-chan,” Tooru whines. “You know I’m just teasing. Lighten up.”

“Fine, I’m gonna steal your girlfriend. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Mean Iwa-chan,” he frowns.

Their banter feels so normal, so comfortable. And yet, Hajime can’t calm the way his heart rate spikes every time Tooru does something annoyingly endearing, can’t help the ache in his chest whenever he says Yoshiko’s name. It all comes together in a horrific revelation(he’s been having a lot of those lately), falling over him like a rough cold wave in the ocean. It’s another fact he’s known in the back of his mind throughout his life, one that he has buried deep inside of himself and tried to ignore for as long as humanly possible. A secret locked away in a dark closet, hidden behind dusty boxes and piles of junk. A prized gem meant to be hidden from the world, a message in a bottle meant to be thrown into the ocean with hopes of no one ever finding it.

Iwaizumi Hajime has feelings for Oikawa Tooru.

He hates it, but it makes sense. They’ve grown up together, they used to talk about getting married, they’re physically very close. Hajime likes men and, as far as men go, Tooru is very attractive. Tooru is his best friend, of course Hajime would fall for him.

When the feeling finally hits him, he understands where people get the phrase “head over heels” from. It feels like his entire world has spun on its axis, like something in the universe shifted. It really does feel like falling, like years of friendship all leading into this exact moment. It feels like an arrow through the heart, a split second in time where suddenly everything and nothing makes sense all at once. There’s no grand change, no big moment, just the two of them walking on the pavement together and talking, but at the same time everything is different. Hajime feels different, like he underwent some great personal development in the twelve seconds it took Tooru to walk over to him when he first saw him a few minutes ago. It’s a complicated feeling, but a pleasant one.

Still, he can’t help but feel like he’s lost some sort of game he didn’t know he was playing. He hates the idea that he’s become one of those idiotic girls in the hallways, falling over themselves for Tooru’s attention. He never saw himself as the type to fall first, to become flush-faced and weak in the knees over some guy. He’s not the type to write love letters or stare at cute boys in class, drawing doodles of hearts in the margins of his notebooks. Romance is meant for movies and other people, it’s never been something Hajime has concerned himself with. He most certainly is not the type to pine over someone, to look at them with longing in his eyes and crave every brush of their hands against his. The thought of listening to love songs and thinking of a certain person makes his stomach turn.

Especially if that “certain person” is Oikawa Tooru.

The rest of the day goes on so casually. Tooru, Takahiro and Issei manage to squeeze more details out of Hajime about the date, and he continues to make up excuses about why it didn’t work out. Yoshiko and Tooru are in the middle of a fight that Hajime doesn’t care enough about to listen to, and it makes lunch very awkward. He sees Fuyumi, and she’s so friendly towards him that it erases any concerns he had about the possibility that he hurt her feelings the night before. Classes are a blur and practice goes well, it’s nothing more than an ordinary Monday. He goes to Tooru’s house after school and they marathon Doctor Who while he complains about Yoshiko.

Unsurprisingly, Tooru and Yoshiko work things out and make up the next day. It did take them time, however, and Hajime was there to witness the rough fight they had Tuesday morning. Yoshiko accused Tooru of gaslighting her and Tooru kept insisting that she was “making up words”. It was brutal.

Miraculously though, they talk things out at lunch. Hajime watches as Yoshiko tears up at Tooru’s bullshit apology and jumps into his arms, cringing at the memory of Tooru describing her hugs yesterday. He tries to figure out what he sees in that idiot, wondering if he dodged a bullet. If he treats Yoshiko like that, he probably wouldn’t treat him any better. Hajime should be relieved that he’s most likely straight.

Things progress naturally from then on. Tooru has his first kiss on Yoshiko’s thirteenth birthday on December 1st. It happens at a party in front of all of their friends and Yoshiko’s family after she blows out the candles on her cake. There’s cheering and noises of disapproval from her father. It’s memorable, and Tooru deserves nothing less. Hajime ignores the way his gut twists as he watches them.

The party is fun, and of course Tooru brings a volleyball for them to toss around in her backyard at some point. She acts a little annoyed with this but still giggles with delight as Tooru teaches her how to play. Takahiro somehow gets a girlfriend that night, one of Yoshiko’s friends named Ichiyo. Apparently they had been talking for awhile and Takahiro finally asked her out in the kitchen while everyone else was outside playing volleyball. Hajime isn’t sure how he misses these things, but he has a hunch he should start listening to his friends’ rambling more often.

It’s a great party, and Tooru and Yoshiko seem happier than ever. Which is why Hajime is surprised when Tooru no longer has a girlfriend by the end of the month.

“She said I don’t spend enough time with her,” he explained as he sulked on the beanbag in Hajime’s room.

“You spend every waking moment with her,” Hajime baffles. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know,” Tooru runs his hands over his face. “She said that whenever we’re together, all I talk about is volleyball.”

“She’s not wrong.”

“Iwa-chan, you’re supposed to be comforting me!”

He sort of does feel bad for him but, more often than not, Tooru brings these situations upon himself. He was always the cause of every argument he and Yoshiko had. As much as Tooru loves women, he’s never really been good at dealing with their emotions. Hajime partially blames it on his mom, but at the end of the day Tooru is accountable for his own actions. He knows very well that volleyball isn’t the reason Yoshiko broke up with him.

Still, Hajime finds it’s good to indulge Tooru every now and then so he walks over to kneel down beside him. He brings his hand up to pat his shoulder a few times.

“There, there.”

Tooru swats his hand away. “Stop being a bitch.”

“You’re the one who’s being bitchy.”

“I didn’t say you were being ‘bitchy’, I said you were being ‘a bitch’, there’s a difference.”

“Whatever you say.”

The brunet pouts at him and Hajime’s heart flips. He wonders when he began to find that expression endearing instead of aggravating.

“Mean Iwa-chan.”

Nope, nevermind, Tooru is definitely aggravating. Seriously, why does he have to have feelings for this moron of all people? He could deal with liking men, but why does he have to like this man in particular? The universe must really hate him.

He pinches Tooru’s cheek, knowing that he hates when people do that. “Cry about it.”

“Maybe I will.”

As annoyed as he is with him, Hajime would rather be caught dead than leave Tooru alone while he’s sad. So he leans against the leg of his desk next to him, resting his elbow on the beanbag. It’s an uncomfortable position, but Tooru is sad so he sucks it up.

“It’s just,” Tooru sniffles. “She made me happy, y’know? And it was cool to have a girlfriend. She was a really good kisser and her hugs felt nice and she was obsessed with me. I loved her.”

“I think you might be exaggerating.”

“Maybe,” Tooru exhales. “But, I dunno, I really liked her. She was adorable and she made me feel like someone cared about me outside of volleyball.”

“I care about you outside of volleyball,” Hajime blurts out, immediately regretting the words.

Thankfully, Tooru shrugs it off. “Yeah, but that’s different. Someone liked me like that, and that was cool. It was nice to be liked.”

“Everyone likes you, you could find a new girlfriend tomorrow if you wanted.”

“Again, it’s not the same thing. Those girls just like me because I can play a sport really well, Yoshiko liked me because I’m me. It’s hard to find people like that.”

Hajime isn’t really sure what to say to that, so he just stays quiet. Eventually, Tooru finishes crying it out and they go to an ice cream shop to cheer up. They call Issei and Takahiro and the four of them have a movie night-sleepover at Tooru’s for emotional support. Hajime falls asleep on the couch with Tooru’s head on his shoulder, drooling into his shirt.

Their third year rolls around, and somehow things get more complicated. Takahiro and Ichiyo break up after about three months and Issei gets a girlfriend named Saori from the soccer team. The two of them become the next hot topic of gossip after Takahiro’s breakup, and Hajime must be really bored or lonely because he actually starts keeping up with the drama. Eventually he knows all of Saori’s favorite songs and places to eat and the details of every date she and Issei have ever had. Apparently Issei really likes her eyes and they’ve kissed a total of three times.

The most interesting thing about the new year is Tooru’s new student and rival, Kageyama Tobio. Tobio is a first year on the volleyball team who’s athletic skills and talent are unbelievably good. He must work his ass off because he’s already one of the best players on the team. Hajime is sure he’ll be a terrifying rival in the future. But that’s not the most interesting thing about him.

What’s interesting is the obvious crush he has on Tooru. The poor kid thinks he’s being subtle, but everyone can see it from a mile away. The way he obsessively follows him around with heart eyes, asking him to teach him to serve. He goes out of his way to get Tooru’s attention, even hunting him down after class. The saddest and funniest part of this is that Tooru can’t stand the kid- or at least he claims he can’t. Hajime thinks he secretly finds him endearing.

Having someone so obviously into guys on the team brings up a more open-minded discussion of that particular topic. None of the second or third years really mention the fact that he’s gay, they just tease Tooru about his new admirer. Hajime briefly considers the fact that maybe he’s the only one who has noticed the nature of Tobio’s feelings, but a few comments here and there from Issei and Takahiro are enough to confirm that they see it too.

“How’s your new boyfriend?” Takahiro teases after practice one day.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“You better tell him that,” Issei snickers.

Hajime tells them to leave Tobio alone, but he can’t help but laugh a little when they poke fun at Tooru for it. The brat really is whipped- it’s cute, in a way. He blushes every time Tooru speaks to him or pats him on the back, even when the words he says are not so kind. If Tooru’s fangirls are idiots, Kageyama Tobio is just plain stupid. Hajime’s starting to realize that love makes you dumb in one way or another.

If that’s the case, it seems that idiocracy has been in the air lately. Takahiro gets a new girlfriend named Kanae, a girl from the swim team with light hair and a sweet smile. She’s sarcastic like he is and fits in really well with their friend group, but Hajime suspects it won’t last long. They all agree she’s out of his league.

The year kicks off with a surprise when Fuyumi comes out and starts dating Yoshiko. Hajime and Fuyumi were close enough that he had sort of expected this at one point or another, but the Yoshiko part comes as a total shocker. Tooru acts like it’s the end of the world, seeking her out one day to ask what happened. She told him that this was still all very new to her, but that she had genuinely liked him. She simply said that she liked Fuyumi too, and that neither of those things canceled out the other. Tooru is completely baffled by the concept.

“She likes both men and women,” he explains in math one day. “Is that even possible?”

“Did you seriously not know bisexuality is a thing?” Hajime laughs.

“I mean, I’ve heard the word,” Tooru mumbles. “I just didn’t know what it meant.”

“That’s what the internet is for.”

“Aren’t you upset about Fuyumi though?” he pressed. “She doesn’t like men.”

“We went out once,” Hajime scowls. “And I kind of already knew that.”

Tooru shakes his head. “Where did all these gay people come from?”

Hajime flicks a pencil at him, earning a swift scolding from the teacher.

For once, Hajime is actually kind of enjoying the romantic atmosphere of spring. Fuyumi inspires a few other kids to come out and while there is a lot of backlash, none of it occurs in their circle of friends. Hajime himself can’t help but admire her confidence, and he makes an effort to hang out with her more. He eventually tells her about his own sexuality, and she’s able to give him some good advice about it. He leaves out the part about his crush on Tooru.

Things have been going well lately for just about everyone but Tooru. It inevitably drags down Hajime’s mood, because when one of them is stressed it always affects the other. He’s been overworking himself so much lately. Hajime’s sure that if it weren’t for him, Tooru would never even leave the gym. His anxiety is at an all time high, to the point where he looks like he’s on edge all the time. He stops hanging out with the others outside of school, devoting that time to extra practice. Somedays, he even practices during lunch.

Hajime always makes sure he gets a decent amount of sleep and meals though. If he doesn’t respond to his texts at night, Hajime goes over to his house to check on him. He finds himself going over there more often nowadays to make sure Tooru remembers to rest and take care of himself. He often has to force him to take a break, clocking into his lifelong profession of keeping Tooru in line. He brings snacks and comics over to his house when he makes his daily visits, usually using physical force to make Tooru sit down and take a few minutes off.

It hurts him to see his best friend do this to himself, but he also knows that when Tooru is passionate about something there is very little he can do to make him stop. Hajime knows and respects that volleyball comes before anything or anyone else in Tooru’s life, that he will only listen to Hajime as much as that passion allows him. He would sacrifice everything to become the best.

Fortunately, Hajime does have a life outside of Tooru, so he takes a weekend off of worrying over him to go over to Issei’s and work on a school project the two of them had been paired up for.

As soon as Issei opens the door to greet him, Hajime can tell something’s off about him. He shrugs it off when he says hi to his mom and younger siblings, figuring that Issei might just be awkward about having a guest over for the weekend. But Issei has never been the awkward type.

When they make it to his room, things only get worse.

“Where do I put my stuff?” Hajime asks.

“Uhh, just over there works,” he points to a spot on the floor where sleeping arrangements have been laid out for Hajime.

He sets his stuff down and then pulls out his textbook, laptop, a notebook and pencil. He sits down on Issei’s bed casually because he’s been over here countless times so it feels like a habit at this point. When he looks up, however, Issei is still standing stiffly by the door.

“Are we gonna work on the project?” Hajime asks.

Unexpectedly, Issei laughs- a rough, nervous sound that is far too loud to be natural. “Yeah, sure, totally. Sorry.”

Hajime isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for but he makes sure to side-eye him as he sits on the bed beside him with his school things. He tries to relax and pull up the assignment on his laptop, but Issei is bouncing anxiously beside him in a way that makes it obvious he wants to talk about something.

Hajime sighs. “What is it?”

“Me and Saori broke up.”

That was not what he expected. Saori and Issei were so similar and they seemed to like each other a lot. He’d been paying enough attention to Issei’s rants about her to know that they weren’t having any problems.

“Oh,” he says, taken aback. “What happened?”

“We just weren’t working out,” he shrugs. “I needed to sort out some personal things.”

Incredibly vague, but Hajime lets it slide. He’s gotten used to hearing about other people's relationship problems, but he hopes that isn’t all Issei wants to talk about because they really do need to get this project done.

“Were there any hurt feelings?”

“Nah, it was mutual.”

“Well, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. Maybe this will give you the space you need to think.”

“Yeah.”

He doesn’t seem to want to say anything else about it, so Hajime turns back to his laptop. They have to make a slideshow, so he gets to work on setting that up. The assignment is simple enough that they should be able to finish it tonight and have a free day tomorrow. They should get it done early so they can practice presenting it later. Maybe Issei’s siblings would be willing to provide an audience for that, if he would let them. Takahiro and Tooru were paired up so it might be good to text them and see what they’re doing so they can make sure they’re on the right track.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Huh?

At first, Hajime isn’t sure he heard him right. But when he looks at Issei there’s an expectant look on his face. They’ve talked about stuff like this so often that it should feel like an old routine by now, but he doesn’t know what to make of the question.

“No,” he answers, truthfully.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Hajime says, making sure to convey the annoyance in his tone. “Why are we talking about this right now?”

“Would you like to?”

“What?”

“Would you like to kiss someone?”

“Sure?” He shakes his head, trying to find some sort of meaning behind Issei’s questions. “Mattsun, why-”

“Would you like to kiss me?”

Hajime’s sure he could’ve heard a pin drop at that moment. It’s almost comedic, like the manifestation of a record scratch.

He can’t wrap his head around this. Issei wants to kiss him? Does Issei like him like that? Does Issei like guys? Is that why he broke up with Saori? Does Hajime want to kiss him? What about Tooru?

“Um,” is all he can muster up as a response. “Why would we do that?”

Issei gets flustered at that, looking everywhere but Hajime’s face. “I dunno, just as an experiment I guess. I like kissing girls so I’m pretty confident in that but I’ve never tried it with guys before so I don’t wanna rule anything out. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, y’know?”

Hajime squints at him. “What makes you think I want to kiss a guy?”

“You’re asking too many questions,” Issei huffs. “Do you wanna try it or not?”

“Yes.”

Unsurprisingly, the practice kissing ends up taking up most of their weekend. They still manage to get the project done, but they can’t help but find themselves immersed in this new “experiment”. They try as many different kissing styles and techniques as they can think of, and when they can’t think of anymore they check google. It’s a little overeager, but unlike the rest of his friends Hajime hasn’t had any significant others to help him through puberty, so he figures he’s allowed to be a little desperate.

It helps that Issei is a really good kisser. He had some experience with Saori of course, but Hajime still expected him to be sloppier. They make sure to establish that this is just an experiment and that they have nothing but platonic feelings towards each other, which makes the whole affair feel way more comfortable. By the end of the weekend, Hajime has way more experience with kissing than he ever thought he’d get in middle school, and Issei is absolutely certain he likes men.

Considering the nature of their arrangement, Hajime doesn’t think much about coming out to Issei. He does it Saturday night after they’ve wrapped up both the homework and the kissing for the day.

“I guess it’s just always been guys,” he yawns from his spot on the floor next to Issei’s bed. “I’ve never been able to look at girls that way.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Issei says. “I think I always sort of knew too, but since I like girls I never really thought about it too much.”

“What made you realize?”

“....I have feelings for Takahiro.”

For the second time that day, the room is completely silent.

“Damn,” Hajime breathes. “You’re just full of surprises. I like Tooru.”

He’s not sure why he’s suddenly okay with telling Issei something he always swore he would take to his grave, but it feels like a weight off his chest to say it out loud. Issei is different from Fuyumi, he’s one of his best friends and they’ve started to tell each other everything. He may be closer with Tooru, but Issei and him have always been really open with each other. After all, he was the first person Issei came to about the whole masturbation thing. It seems ridiculous now, but it really broke down a lot of barriers in their friendship. If Hajime can’t tell Issei about something, who can he tell?

They end the weekend feeling a lot closer than they were beforehand, and Hajime feels grateful for the experience. Even more, he’s glad to now be able to confide in one of his best friends. He’s had to talk about girls with his friends on countless occasions, but this is the first time he’s been able to talk about guys with one of them. It feels refreshing, like a therapy session he didn’t know he needed.

Needless to say, they don’t talk about it at school. Other than a few knowing glances here and there, they don’t even say anything to each other about it. Tooru and Takahiro especially remain clueless.

The next week goes well. Tobio is still following behind Tooru every step he takes, Fuyumi and Yoshiko seem to be going strong, Takahiro and Kanae are in the “I’m over them” phase of off-again, Issei and Hajime’s moods have definitely been elevated, and the volleyball team is doing better than ever. Unfortunately, Tooru is still wearing himself out, but the previous weekend gave Hajime enough energy to deal with that.

The thing about Tooru is that he’s a perfectionist. Whatever he decides to set his mind on, he has to become the best at. It’s another problem Hajime blames on his mother; no matter what Tooru did growing up, she always found a way to criticize him over it. He craves constant approval from everyone, making himself the center of attention in every conversation. Nothing terrifies Tooru more than the thought of not being good enough, of being second best. Hajime wishes he could help him, but he’s never been good with words.

He uses actions instead, telling him off whenever he’s overworking himself or dragging him out of the gym to go home and rest. When they were kids, he used to hug Tooru and let him try on his shoulder. But the idea of touching Tooru now, after looking at him in such a non-platonic light, it feels….wrong. Selfish, even. Like his hands are made of fire and he might burn Tooru with so much as a graze. Every time they touch he can’t help but think of every less-than-innocent thought he’s ever had about his friend and it makes him want to cut off his own eyes and gouge his eyes out. He feels as though he’s hurting Tooru somehow just by admiring him from afar, that the feelings he has for him could not possibly indicate anything good.

The more he tries not to though, he begins to realize that he and Tooru are almost always touching in one way or another. They’re still affectionately violent with each other, Hajime swatting Tooru’s head or Tooru pinching Hajime’s ear. Tooru is also an overly touchy person when it’s just the two of them, throwing himself over Hajime’s lap or into his arms. It’s his way of demanding attention, nothing more, but it ends up putting Hajime in some really awkward positions. It becomes increasingly difficult to hide his feelings when he could so easily pull Tooru closer or run a hand through his hair.

Everything has a breaking point, and Hajime’s comes unexpectedly one weekend when Takahiro suggests they all come over to his house one weekend while his parents and sisters are out of town. It’s not unusual for the four of them to spend weekends at each other’s houses, so Hajime doesn’t expect anything unusual to come out of it. Oh, how wrong he was.

Unlike the weekend at Issei’s, there are no red flags to begin with. It kicks off just like any of their usual hangouts- they hit up the kitchen first for snacks and then move to Takahiro’s game room to get competitive over foosball(Tooru always wins). After that, Takahiro will kick everybody’s asses at Mario Kart and Hajime will decide to humble everybody by challenging them to arm wrestling. Nothing unusual.

Later that night though, when they move to the living room to watch a movie, things shift. They get comfy around the television(Tooru and Hajime on the loveseat while Takahiro and Issei take up the couch) and arrange their snacks on the coffee table. Just when they’re starting to argue about which movie to watch, Tooru decides to shift the conversation.

“Guys, let's play truth or dare.”

“What are you, five?” Takahiro glares.

“C’mooooooon,” Tooru whines. “It could be fun. Plus I’ve never done it before.”

“I’m fine with that,” Issei shrugs.

“Clearly we’re not picking a movie any time soon, so we might as well,” Hajime sighs.

“You’re officially outnumbered,” Tooru beams. “But let’s cut out the dare part.”

They blink at him.

Hajime would be surprised, but this is honestly the exact type of shit Tooru pulls on a daily basis.

“Why?” Issei squints.

“I mean, what are we gonna dare each other to do?” Tooru gestures. “We’re all dudes and it’s dark out. Prank calls? That would be lame. I want dirt on all of you guys by the end of this.”

Typical.

“You already have dirt on us,” Hajime points out.

“No, but, like,” Tooru starts. “Serious dirt. Stuff you plan on taking to your grave.”

Somehow, that’s become a very long list for Hajime by now. He’s not sure how Tooru plans to do this but he really hopes he doesn’t get asked any compromising questions.

“Fine,” Takahiro relents. “You go first.”

“Iwa-chan’s dick is small.”

“What the fuck-”

“This is supposed to be about you, dumbass.”

“How do you know that?”

Before the words even fully leave the brunet’s mouth, Hajime is reaching over to strangle him.

Tooru snickers, swatting his hands away. “We used to measure them.”

“I’ve grown since then,” Hajime snaps, defensively.

His face feels like it’s on fire. He doesn’t really care if Takahiro and Issei know that now but he still wishes Tooru wouldn’t say things like that without warning. It’s not even a secret about him so that’s definitely cheating.

“New ground rule,” Takahiro groans. “No sharing truths about other people.”

“Especially if it’s not true.”

“Let it go, Hajime.”

Not even a full round in and he’s already not liking this game. He’s starting to think they should have just watched a movie instead, especially if Tooru planned this just to share embarrassing lies about him.

“Okay, fine,” Tooru huffs. “I’m double jointed.”

“That’s not the same-”

“Your turn, Iwa-chan,” he sings.

Hajime crosses his arms, glaring. “Fine. I guess this idiot already went for me but uh, I still sleep with a nightlight. So does Tooru.”

“Iwa-chaaaan, why would you say that?”

“Aww,” Issei laughs. “Okay, I guess it’s my turn then. I’m scared of clowns.”

Somewhere around the third round, Hajime warms up to the game. Nothing Tooru says surprises him, but he ends up learning some interesting things about Issei and Takahiro. It ends up being a lot more fun than anyone expected, and soon they’re laughing so hard they can barely form full sentences.

Hajime hates getting sentimental, but he really does love these people. He’s glad they’ve spent their middle school years together, because he can’t think of any group of people he’d rather have memories with. He hopes Issei and Takahiro end up going to the same high school he and Tooru do. Tooru’s already told him about ten times to apply for Aoba Johsai, but it slips his mind if he’s not consistently reminded of it. Maybe Tooru’s nagging does pay off sometimes.

At a certain point in the evening, they’re all tired out of laughing and long past watching a movie. Everyone is itching to go to sleep, but they agree to play one more round.

“Okay,” Tooru says. “Makki, it was me who stole your copy of The Dark Night.”

“I fucking new it-”

“Settle down,” Hajime yawns. “I wanna get this over with so we can get some sleep. I’m allergic to cats.”

Takahiro sits back reluctantly, muttering another “I knew it” under his breath. Everyone turns to Issei, but they’re met with silence.

“Mattsun?” Tooru snaps his fingers. “C’mon, it’s your turn.”

“I’m bisexual.”

Hajime did not think it was possible for two words to wake everybody up so quickly, but he can practically hear the way everyone jumps at the proclamation.

He’s not sure what to say. It’s nothing he didn’t already know, but he’s on edge waiting to see how Tooru and Takahiro react. He can hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears, and he’s pretty sure he’ll throw up if he looks at either of them. He thinks back to the weekend they spent together- god, he hopes Issei doesn’t say anything about that.

Of course Issei won’t say anything, the rational part of his brain insists. They’re friends, Issei would never out him like that. But still, the possibility is there and it shakes him to his core.

Finally, Takahiro speaks up.

“When did you find out?”

Issei shifts. “I’ve always sorta known, I guess I was just waiting for the right time to tell you guys.”

Tooru doesn’t say anything. Hajime risks a glance over at him to see that his face is turned towards the ground, expression unreadable. He hates when he can’t tell what Tooru is thinking, it feels so off and unnatural for them.

Takahiro and Issei have their eyes locked on each other, seeming to be in the middle of a mental conversation. They’ve always been good at reading each other the same way Hajime and Tooru usually are. Without breaking eye-contact, Takahiro speaks:

“Could you two give us a minute?”

Instantaneously, a hand is on his wrist, pulling him up. He looks up in shock to see Tooru standing above him, not looking directly at him. He gulps, unsure of what to make of this sudden movement. One thing is abundantly clear though- Tooru doesn’t look happy.

“You heard him, Hajime. Let’s go outside.”

Takahiro and Issei pay them no mind as they move from the living room through the kitchen towards the back porch. Hajime tries not to think, letting himself be pulled along by Tooru. Still, his mind is swarming. Why the sudden urgency? Why the silence? What does Tooru have to be so upset about? This is Issei’s business, not his. It almost irks him how Tooru could let something like this get to him so much. Issei has been their friend for years now, surely he wouldn’t look at him differently just because of something like this. But it would be foolish to underestimate the influence his parents’ views might be having on him. Tooru never really cared what his parents thought about him, but at the same time he did. He cared about their opinions the same way he cared about everyone else’s opinions, which was always too much.

The porch is cold at night, and if it weren’t for the light from the house and the lanterns illuminating the corners it would be pitch-black out. Crickets can faintly be heard in the background, and Hajime does his best to focus on that and not the way Tooru drops his wrist as soon as the door closes behind them.

“I can’t believe this,” Tooru doesn’t sound angry, just genuinely lost. “Why wouldn’t he tell us sooner?”

He always has to make everything into a much bigger deal than it really is. He shouldn’t be asking questions like that right now, he should just be happy that their friend felt comfortable enough to tell them something like this. Still, Tooru is not an inherently hateful person so Hajime tries to be patient with him.

“Maybe he was nervous?”

“But why?” Tooru shakes his head. “We’re his friends, does he not think he can tell us stuff like this?”

Okay, that’s better than he expected at least.

“It probably just took him some time to figure it out, that’s all. And you didn’t exactly react well.”

Tooru looks at him then and Hajime almost regrets what he said. For the first time since Issei made the announcement, Tooru looks genuinely mad.

“What do you mean, I ‘didn’t react well’? I was just shocked, how else was I supposed to react?”

“I don’t know,” Hajime laughs, exasperatedly. “‘I’m proud of you, Mattsun’, ‘thank you for telling me’? Anything other than creepy silence would’ve been appreciated, really.”

“Oh, fuck off,” he takes a few steps closer. “You didn’t say anything either.”

“I already knew.”

Why is he talking about this? He wasn’t supposed to say anything about it ever, especially not to Tooru. He of all people was never supposed to find out about this. What if he hates Hajime or looks at him differently or thinks he’s weird or-

“How?”

“Nevermind, forget I said anything.”

Tooru narrows his eyes and Hajime feels his heart sink. Yep, he’s said too much.

“You’ve been acting differently lately,” Tooru accuses. “You keep giving me these weird looks and you tense up a lot. What’s going on?”

Of course he’s noticed. Tooru is his best friend, how could he not notice? Hajime wants to jam his head into the wall, to dig a hole in the ground and bury himself alive. How could he be so careless?

“You’re imagining things,” his throat feels tight as he speaks.

“No,” the brunet insists. “I know you, Iwa-chan, I know when something’s up. You know you can’t hide anything from me, so just spit it out already.”

He’s backed himself into a corner. As much as he would love to pretend that this could have been avoided by keeping his mouth shut, Tooru probably would have brought it up at some point. This conversation was always inevitable.

Fuck it. He can’t keep this in anymore.

“We kissed. It was just an experiment- well, it was for him. I already knew so I guess he thought I could help him figure some things out.”

That familiar sickness returns to his stomach when Tooru doesn’t say anything. This is it, he’s ruined the best thing in his life. He’s lost his favorite person in the world, the one who means the most to him. Why couldn’t he just keep his fucking mouth shut?

“Knew what?”

“Excuse me?”

“You said you ‘already knew’,” Tooru speaks, slowly. “What do you mean by that?”

Here goes nothing.

“I already knew I was gay.”

Tooru’s gonna hate him, that’s all he can think about right now. Fire-forged bonds of friendship formed from years of building trust and familiarity. All the mock-proposals and mistakes, all the teasing and gentle bullying. The laughter, the afternoons spent together doing whatever hobby Tooru picked out, the secrets shared at sleepovers under blankets in the dim blue light. A childhood made of memories all involving the person who mattered most to him. All of that is gone now, lost because Hajime couldn’t stop himself from feeling stupid things. Tooru’s gonna hate him Tooru’s gonna hate him Tooru’s gonna hate him Tooru’s gonna hate him Tooru’s gonna-

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Hajime doesn’t know if he laughs or sobs at that, but either way he’s pretty sure he’s crying right now. “Are you serious? ‘Why didn’t I tell you’? I know you’re not that dumb.”

“I must be because I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Because you would fucking hate me for it. Do you know how fucking terrifying that is? To know that your best friend would hate you for something you can’t control?”

Once the words start, they can’t stop. He knows he’s already lost Tooru, knows that by talking he’s only pushing him away more. But for some reason he can’t stop the flow of emotions that comes flooding out of his mouth every time he opens it.

“I hated myself for it, you know?” He vents. “I think I always knew, but once I realized what it meant I wanted nothing more than to get rid of it. Do you know why that is? I couldn’t bear the thought of telling you, of never speaking to you again. I knew you would never look at me the same way again, that you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore, and I hated that more than anything else. There were days when just being around you devastated me because all I could think about was how you would never want to hang out with me again if you knew.”

Tooru looks completely stunned, eyes wide and lips parted. Hajime braces himself for the moment of truth, the moment he’s been preparing for a while now. He waits for Tooru’s shocked expression to turn to one of disgust, for him to push him away and never speak to him again. He waits for that feeling of sickness to completely overtake him until nothing pleasant remains.

What he’s not prepared for is the feeling of arms around his shoulders.

“First of all, I could never hate you,” Tooru rushes out. “Oh my god please tell me next time you think something stupid like that. I love you, you’re my best friend. Nothing is ever going to change that, and I’m never going to stop wanting to hang out with you. Who else is gonna keep me from doing dumb stuff?”

No, that can’t be right. Tooru should hate him, should never want to see him again. He’s been thinking horrible, disgusting thoughts about him for so long now. He wants to be with him in a way that he never can and because of that, he doesn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as Tooru. How can he even say these things as if Hajime deserves to hear them?

“I am so sorry I ever made you think I could hate you,” he sort of sounds like he’s crying, but Hajime could be imagining it. “I don’t know what I would do without you. I would probably be bored as hell. Really though, I’m so sorry Hajime.”

Finally, Hajime breaks out of whatever trance he was put in and hugs Tooru back, turning his face into his shoulder. He’s so used to comforting Tooru that it feels weird for things to be the other way around for once. Sometimes he forgets Tooru cares about him just as much as he cares about him. Not because Tooru doesn’t show it, but because Hajime is an idiot and doesn’t think he deserves nice things.

“I just,” Hajime chokes. “I was scared. It made me feel so abnormal and I never want you to look at me that way.”

“I’m sorry I made you think like that,” Tooru apologizes. “It’s just that- well, you know how my mom is. I can’t like boys.”

That was definitely the last thing Hajime expected to hear right now.

“What?”

“Nothing, we’re talking about you right now. What made you think I would hate you?”

“No, Tooru, what do you mean?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“You’re the one who brought it up.”

“Yeah, but,” Hajime doesn’t have to look at him to know he’s pouting. “I was just trying to relate to you. Or explain why I’m weird about that stuff. I don’t care if other people are gay, but it would be bad if I was.”

“Tooru,” Hajime says, carefully. “That’s a problem.”

“I know, just shut up. We’ll talk about that when I’m ready, I promise. What did I do to make you think I would hate you?”

He reluctantly recounts some of the jokes Tooru used to make with Issei and Takahiro. He talks about the time he called him gross and the way he reacted when Yoshiko and Fuyumi came out.

“I wasn’t mad that they were gay,” Tooru explained. “I just didn’t want to be the person who helped Yoshiko realize she didn’t like men. That would’ve been embarrassing. But that wasn’t the case, so we’re all good.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

They talk like that for a while, laid out beside each other on the floor of Takahiro’s porch. Tooru must be feeling extra comfortable this evening because at some point he rolls over and tucks his head under Hajime’s chin. The shorter boy just hopes he doesn’t hear how loud his heart is beating.

It feels like a dream, like something too good to be real. To be laying here with the boy he loves talking their hearts out on a fall night. He wants to put his arms around him, to hold him, but he still feels like he’s not allowed. Like he might scorch Tooru if he lays a finger on him. So he keeps his hands at his sides and lets Tooru curl up beside him to his heart’s delight. After all, it is healthy to indulge Tooru every now and then.

He somehow feels like this night mended a part of their friendship he didn’t know was broken. He knew things had been awkward on his end since he realized he was gay, but he never realized he would have needed so much reassurance over it. Tooru spends so much time talking about himself, it’s easy to forget how deeply he cares about other people sometimes. The guy is full of surprises, it’s one of the many things Hajime lo-

No. No thinking about that right now. This is just a sweet moment between two friends. It would be selfish to try and make this romantic when Tooru is clearly unsure of his sexuality. He shouldn’t force anything on him so early on. In the long run, he’s only hurting himself by entertaining delusions of Tooru possibly liking him back.

Then Tooru intertwines their fingers with a wistful smile on his face and- okay, maybe Hajime will read into that a little.

Their peaceful chat is interrupted when Issei and Takahiro open the door to the porch. Tooru springs up immediately, sitting back on his heels.

“What took you guys so long?”

“We’re boyfriends now,” is the only explanation Takahiro gives.

“What?!?”

Once the four of them head inside, Tooru and Hajime receive a long story about how Issei and Takahiro have been crushing on each other since elementary school. They explain that it took both of them a while to figure things out, but once Issei confirmed that he liked men Takahiro knew he had to take the opportunity to make a move. Apparently they talked for a long time in the living room about their own experiences and their feelings towards each other. They refused to give too many details, but they both seem happy with this sudden change so no one questions it.

Issei prides himself on being the one who fell first, but Takahiro insists that he gets extra points for being the one to kiss Issei first. He worries about having to tell Kanae that this break they’re on is the final one, but he’s also too happy to care about that right now. The two of them seem over the moon, it’s impossible not to smile at the sight of them.

“That makes three of us,” Hajime chuckles.

“Huh?”

“Oh right, you’re the only one who doesn’t know. I’m gay.”

“Damn,” Takahiro shakes his head. “Tooru, any announcements to make?”

“Don’t hold your breath,” he smiles. “By the way Mattsun, I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I was just shocked, I should have said something. I’m really glad you told us.”

Issei waves him off. “It’s fine. I was too busy worrying about what Makki was gonna say to be honest.”

The four of them all sleep better that night with everything out in the open. Tooru sleeps using Hajime’s arm as a stuffed animal like he sometimes does and the latter rests better than he has in ages because of it. This position does earn a couple looks from Issei and Takahiro, but neither of them say anything.

Things start to look up tremendously after that. Hajime is finally able to knock some sense into Tooru about overworking himself and cooperating better with the team. It takes a mental breakdown and a lot of yelling but it wouldn’t be them if they didn’t do things in a dramatic way. The event ends up working out really well because he notices an immediate change in Tooru’s attitude afterwards.

Takahiro and Issei are grossly in love and seem to be incapable of doing anything without gazing into each other’s eyes. It’s a welcomed change from all the straight people he’s been forced to deal with, but the circumstances are still less than ideal. As long as his friends are happy though, Hajime can’t really complain. Kanae takes the news pretty hard but she’s still understanding, so the drama is thankfully kept to a minimum.

Hajime’s parents are suddenly very adamant about decorating the house for the season, so they invite Tooru over one day to help them set things up. He expected it to be a chore, but Tooru ends up making it fun. His dad makes hot chocolate and they go for a walk around the neighborhood afterwards. Tooru even convinces Hajime to help him make a leaf pile to jump into. It feels childish but in the most refreshing way possible. He really doesn’t know what he’d do without Tooru in his life.

Poor Tobio seems to be having trouble making friends. The other boys in his year don’t really get along with him. Hajime figures that might be why he clings onto Tooru so much. Eventually, Tooru takes pity on him and gives him more attention during practice. He still refuses to teach him how to serve, but Tobio’s eyes light up anyway. It’s kinda sad, really, but Hajime has too much on his mind to focus on that right now.

Namely, Hajime has Tooru on his mind. They’ve always been attached at the hip, but ever since that night at Takahiro’s, Tooru seems incapable of leaving him alone. Not that Hajime minds- if anything, he relishes in the sudden rush of attention. The way Tooru will lean over him when they’re studying or stand extra close to him when they’re talking in the hallways, like he constantly needs to be near him. It reminds him of what Tooru said after him and Yoshiko broke up- that it was nice to be liked. He’s not delusional enough to think that Tooru likes him like that, but it’s enough just to be wanted by his friend in some way.

To think that Tooru of all people- Tooru, who was practically a god on earth, who had girls falling to their knees over him left and right- would make an effort to be physically closer to him. That Tooru could touch him and not be burned by it. It always felt good to have Tooru near, to be by his side. Even if they didn’t say anything, the mere knowledge that Tooru was there comforted him.

As the weather turns colder, flyers start showing up in the hallways to advertise for the Winter Ball the school holds yearly for the third years. It’s something Hajime’s been secretly looking forward to since he first heard about it. His elementary school didn’t really do school dances so this will be his first time going to one. There is a problem though-

People usually bring dates.

Now that Tooru knows, he doesn’t really care if people know he likes men. But where is he supposed to find a man to ask? Most of the gay guys that are out at school are already in relationships. Granted, there are a few he has in mind. He thinks he’s a decent looking guy, he could probably get a date pretty easily. If all else fails, he could definitely find a group to go with. Hell, he’d probably be going in a group on any other occasion; but since Takahiro and Issei are dating, if he and Tooru went with them it would seem like a double date. Wouldn’t want people getting the wrong idea.

“What if I skip town before the dance?” He says to Issei one day on their way to lunch. “Then I don’t have to worry about getting a date.”

Issei laughs. “Or you could just ask Tooru.”

“If you keep talking like that, you and Makki will be slow-dancing in a Mental Institution.”

When Issei refuses to be of any help, he turns to Takahiro, hunting him down at the beginning of their math class one day.

“Do you know of any guys who still need a date to the dance that also happen to like men?”

“What happened to, ‘hello’, ‘how are you’, ‘crazy weather we’ve been having’?”

“This is serious, Makki,” Hajime groans.

Takahiro just makes a face. “Go with Tooru, problem solved. You’re welcome.”

“Is there some sort of mind-altering flu going around that I don’t know about?”

“You asked for advice, take it or leave it.”

He’s not sure when Takahiro caught onto him liking Tooru, but Issei swears up and down that he wasn’t the one who told him. He’s not one to doubt Takahiro’s intuition, so he assumes he just figured it out by himself at one point. He wouldn’t mind it if Takahiro didn’t feel the need to tease him about it every chance he got.

Finally, Hajime is brought to a point of desperation he never thought he would reach; he has to ask his best friend for dating advice.

Despite only having been in one relationship, Tooru has always had a particular fascination with romance. He had a soft spot for romantic books and movies, and his playlist was filled with love songs. Besides the romcoms, Hajime never really understood the fascination, but he supposed Tooru is the closest he has to an expert. It’s not the most ideal outcome- asking his crush how to get a date, but he’s out of options and beggars can’t be choosers. He’s going to find a date, even if it means enduring some mild teasing for an afternoon.

They’re in Tooru’s bedroom when he brings it up, sprawled out on his bed pouring over science homework. It’s always been an easy subject for the both of them, but it’s still more fun to work on it together. Even if Tooru gets really condescending whenever Hajime asks for help on a question.

“Do you have a date for the dance?” He hates the way it comes out, immediately cringing at his own words. Why did he have to say it like that?

There’s surprise on the brunet’s face when he looks up, but it quickly melts into a teasing smile.

“Why, Iwa-chan? Are you propositioning me?” He gives the shorter boy a slight jab with the eraser end of his pencil.

Hajime shoves his hand away, gagging. “Don’t make it sound so dirty.”

“But you didn’t say no.”

“No,” he deadpans.

Tooru shifts on his stomach, resting his chin on his hand. “Why not?”

Hajime’s brain short-circuits. Surely he has to be fucking with him.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Tooru looks down, shifting again. He’s nervous.

He doesn’t quite know what to make of such a display, but it’s kinda cute. He’s seen Tooru flustered before, but never like this. Even when he’s flirting with his fangirls, he’s always overly confident and well-spoken. The idea that all of that goes down the drain when it comes to Hajime….well, it makes him feel sorta special. As embarrassing as that sounds.

“I was thinking,” Tooru begins. “Maybe we could go together? Unless you think that would be weird. I mean I could probably find somebody else- hell, I’ve already been asked like fifteen times. But I wasn’t sure if you had a date so-”

“You decided to take pity on me?” He teases.

“No!” Tooru snaps. “It’s not like that. I want to go with you! Ew, why did you have to make me say it?”

Hajime can’t believe what he’s hearing. Surely he has to be imagining things? Where did this even come from? The thought that it could be a prank flashes across his mind but the overwhelming feeling of possibility is more prevalent.

Oikawa Tooru is asking him out. On a date. Oikawa Tooru wants to go to the Winter Ball with him and probably slow dance and he got nervous about asking him and oh god….

“If you don’t want to then-”

“I want to,” Hajime says quickly. “I would love to, actually.”

Tooru’s eyes soften and his lips part softly and Hajime’s heart almost melts, but then he’s back to that shit-eating grin and- okay, magic moment over.

“Awwww, Iwa-chan,” he giggles. “You’re so gay.”

“You’re the one who asked me.”

“We’re both gay then.”

He briefly registers that his heart is pounding. Is he getting nervous too? Is Tooru making him nervous? Damn that’s embarrassing. He doesn’t really care though, because he’s going to the dance with his best friend and this honestly doesn’t even feel real. If he’s dreaming then he better never wake up because this is the best dream he’s ever had.

They don’t say much about it after that. Tooru tells Issei and Takahiro the next day which promptly results in a freakout. Hajime’s mom takes the four of them tux-shopping the next week which was a fun but admittedly humiliating experience. They plan to go in a group so that Tooru’s parents don’t get suspicious, and by the time the big day rolls around Hajime still isn’t fully convinced he’s awake.

He’s going to a school dance with his best friend who he’s liked for as long as he can remember. They still haven’t officially talked about what this means or if it changes anything, and Tooru is still furiously dodging any questions about his sexuality, but that’s okay. They don’t have to rush things. If this is all he gets, the only romantic moment he ever has with Tooru, it will still be more than enough for Hajime.

The level to which Tooru wants to keep it on the downlow is a little hard to follow, but Hajime adjusts. Under no circumstances are either of their parents ever to find out about this. He doesn’t want to talk about it too loudly at school, but he’s okay with slow-dancing the day of. Hajime’s already told him repeatedly that they don’t have to, but Tooru insists on it.

It becomes a little difficult to not tell his parents, who have been suspecting he has feelings for Tooru for a while now. Somehow, he manages to keep the secret. As long as it’s for Tooru, he doesn’t mind.

He meets Takahiro and Issei at Tooru’s house the day of. He’s dressed in a simple gray tux with a green shirt that Takahiro helped him pick out. His dad had to help him with the tie, which feels like it’s trying to choke him as he stands in Tooru’s living room waiting for the others to show up. At first he’d been worried about being late with the amount of pictures his mom made him take before he left, but now he wishes he’d waited a bit to arrive- sitting on the sofa facing Tooru’s parents.

His mother was a tall, curvy lady who resembled him almost uncannily. She kept her hair long, though not as well-maintained as Tooru’s was. She dressed in t-shirts and sweaters most of the time, a look that had become familiar to Hajime over the years. She was also the one responsible for the Oikawa Family Glare that Tooru and his sister had both inherited. A look that screamed “I am a king and I’m looking down on you”.

Tooru’s father was a wiry looking man who did not resemble his son in the slightest. He looked bookish, sporting a pair of thin glasses. He worked most of the time, and whenever he was at home he was in his office. When he wasn’t in his office, he was yelling at Tooru about something. The man had some redeeming qualities- he was responsible and well-organized, habits which Tooru had picked up on. But in general he always put Hajime on edge.

“So Hajime,” Tooru’s mother begins. “It’s a shame you boys couldn’t find dates.”

She knows. There’s no way she doesn’t know. That could be irrational panic getting to him, but the knowing look (Oikawa Family Glare) she gives him keeps him on edge. It’s as though she can see right through him.

“Well,” Hajime clears his throat. “By the time we started thinking about it, every girl was already taken.”

That definitely sounded artificial. They’re gonna know. If he doesn’t sell this well enough Tooru is going to hate him and never speak to him again.

Fortunately, before he can get caught in the lie, there’s a knock at the door.

Tooru’s father stands up. “I’ll get that.”

The twenty seconds he’s left alone with Tooru’s mother, avoiding her attempt at making eye-contact, are grueling and seem to last for years. This is the living room he spent his childhood in, watching old cartoons with Tooru or playing with dinosaur figurines. He should feel comfortable here, right at home. But the elephant in the room is too large to ignore and by the time his palms start sweating, he gives up on trying to calm himself.

He relaxes a bit when Takahiro and Issei appear around the corner, grinning.

“Good evening Oikawa-san,” Issei smiles politely. “I see Iwa came as the guy sitting alone at a table.”

“Nah,” Takahiro disagrees. “I think he looks more like the guy puking in a bathroom.”

“Oh f-” he coughs. “Um, knock it off you guys.”

Tooru’s mother looks at him disapprovingly while Takahiro and Issei laugh.

“So anyways,” Takahiro starts. “Where’s Tooru?”

“He’s fixing his hair.”

Ah, typical. Hajime would’ve gone to check on him as soon as he arrived but Tooru’s parents practically threatened him into sitting down and talking with them. He’s glad Takahiro and Issei showed up when they did.

The five of them stand around awkwardly as they wait for someone to say something. Hajime distantly wishes Tooru’s sister still lived here, she always had something funny to say when things got tense. When he was younger, Hajime thought he had a crush on her for a while. She was pretty and loud and annoying and liked to tease him a lot. Since then, he’s realized that the only reason he “liked” her was because she was so similar to Tooru. A horrific realization to have, but in hindsight he finds it kind of funny.

After what seems like an eternity, Tooru finally comes down the stairs.

Hajime stands up as soon as he hears footsteps, shaking with the urge to leave. As soon as he lays eyes on Tooru though, he’s nearly knocked back down into his seat.

He doesn’t know how Tooru does it. He doesn’t wear makeup or anything, so how does he always manage to look so breathtaking? His hair is styled like it usually is, but with obvious extra time and focus. His skin is practically glowing again(face mask, maybe?), and oh god Hajime’s going to pass out. He’s wearing a blue shirt with a black tux, which is such a common look but somehow he manages to make it look unearthly. What’s even more stunning is the way he smiles at Hajime as soon as he sees him- not a suave, charming smile but a genuine one. The same smile he always gives him, one that makes his eyes light up like Christmas trees.

He hopes the flush on his face isn’t noticeable.

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru tilts his head when he reaches the bottom of the stars. “That tie is hideous.”

“Did you find that wig in a dumpster?”

“Can it guys,” Issei complains. “Let’s get going.”

“Hang on,” his mom holds her hand up. “Let me get some pictures first.”

They stand in the doorway for a photo-shoot, protests growing louder with each click of the camera. Eventually she relents, telling them to go get in the car. Tooru’s dad is driving them, which Hajime finds odd but doesn’t comment on. He packs into the backseat with Takahiro and Issei while Tooru sits in the front beside his dad. The ride there is almost entirely silent, besides Issei who attempts to break the ice with a series of jokes that don’t work.

When they finally pull up to the school’s main gymnasium, Tooru’s dad speaks.

“Have fun.”

Those two words wouldn’t be so menacing if they weren’t said while he was making direct eye contact with Hajime through the rear-view mirror. He suppresses a shiver.

The four of them stand by the entrance as they watch the car pull away, making extra sure he’s out of hearing range before any of them say anything. Once the car is safely on the road and far off from them, they break out into laughter.

“Your dad seems nice,” Takahiro teases.

“Fuck off.”

Hajime sneaks a glance at Tooru to make sure he’s okay. He doesn’t appear to be showing any visible signs of distress, if anything it looks like he’s excited. So far, so good. He’ll still have to keep an eye on him though because Tooru’s mood can change at the drop of a hat.

Before he can enter the gym, a hand wraps around his bicep.

“Iwa-chan.”

He turns around, facing Tooru. His heart skips a beat when he realizes how close they are, and then Tooru’s reaching to undo his tie and….what?

Tooru grins, pulling the fabric off and then wadding it up to shove it in his pocket. “I told you your tie was ugly.”

Hajime blinks, blushing.

There’s something in Tooru’s eyes, a teasing glint. It serves as a reminder that he’s having fun, that he wants to be here. It should help Hajime relax but all it does is make him more nervous. This is real, he’s here at a dance with his best friend. His best friend, who also happens to be the most gorgeous and flawless being to ever grace the planet. A man more similar to Zeus than he was to Hercules. How did he get so lucky?

“Guys, hurry up,” Issei calls.

And then, as if he’s trying to give him a heart attack, Tooru grabs Hajime’s hand to pull him into the gym. He’s felt that hand in his enough to memorize every curve and callous on it, but the contact still makes him jump. It’s softer than you would expect, but roughened from years of perfecting his serve. A setter’s hand, intricate and beautiful.

The interior of the gym has been properly decorated for the occasion, and Hajime would be lying if he said he wasn’t impressed. Blue streamers hang from the ceiling, clearing for a mirrorball in the center. There’s a dj on the stage to the left side where the dance floor is located, crowded with overexcitable preteens. On the other end is a snack bar and a series of large round tables with matching white table cloths and blue centerpieces. It’s a nice setup, but the music is already giving Hajime a headache.

Takahiro and Issei have already gotten them a table with Yoshiko and Fuyumi. Hajime starts to head over to them but Tooru pulls him in the direction of the snack bar.

“I need punch,” he explains.

There’s an assortment of cookies, chips, punch and sodas at the bar, along with a large cake that is already halfway gone. Hajime gets himself a plate of chips and a soda while he watches Tooru pour himself some punch and grab a cookie. Even doing something mundane like this, he’s so….

“You look pretty,” Hajime blurts out, cringing at the way it sounds. Most boys don’t like to be called pretty, as a boy himself he should know this. Not that he minds being called pretty but he’s been around enough guys to know that the compliment doesn’t fly with everyone.

Tooru just laughs though, face coloring slightly. “Awww, I’m flattered. You look pretty too.”

He looks away, not wanting Tooru to see how flustered that simple returned compliment makes him. Tooru just called him pretty, and he doesn’t really know what to make of that.

Once they have their snacks ready, they join their friends at the table. Yoshiko and Fuyumi are both in sparkling purple dresses, appearing to have coordinated their looks. Fuyumi shoots him a knowing smile when she sees him with Tooru, which he carefully avoids acknowledging.

“It’s so good to see you guys,” Yoshiko smiles.

“You both clean up nice,” Fuyumi adds.

It takes approximately ten minutes of making awkward smalltalk and eating potato chips for Hajime to realize he might have overrated the concept of school dances. Still, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t having fun. Sitting in a loud, crowded gymnazium eating snacks in fancy outfits with his friends….there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night.

“This blows,” Issei decides.

“Don’t be like that,” Takahiro frowns.

“We’re not even dancing!”

“Do you want to dance?”

“Please.”

The two of them stand up, giving half-hearted waves as they depart towards the dance floor.

“Can we dance too?” Yoshiko asks, giving Fuyumi puppy-dog eyes.

“Of course.”

And then there were two.

They don’t say anything for a minute. Hajime focuses on finishing his chips, trying not to think about how Tooru is right next to him. Is he waiting for Hajime to ask him to dance? What if he asks and Tooru says no? Is it rude to assume he wants to dance just because he came here with him? What if-

“Iwa-chan can we go dance already? I’m getting bored.”

Oh. It was that easy, huh?

“I was thinking the same thing, dumbass.”

“Don’t call your date ‘dumbass’!”

“Fine, shithead.”

Tooru bursts into a fit of laughter as they find Takahiro and Issei on the dance floor. They’re playing some remixed pop song that everyone is moving along to, more jumping than dancing. There’s no romantic pressure so far, just everyone violently hopping next to each other and occasionally flailing their arms about. It’s more exhausting than Hajime expected, and he suddenly has another reason to be grateful that he’s an athlete. Every now and then, he and Tooru bump shoulders as they dance, sharing glances whenever it happens.

Suddenly, the dj announces a slow dance and a softer love song starts playing. Takahiro winks at them before turning away with Issei. Soon enough, Hajime and Tooru are alone standing next to each other while the crowd sways around them.

He looks at Tooru questioningly, only to find he has a blank, frozen expression on his face. He’s nervous.

“Um, Tooru?”

Just like that, he snaps out of it. “What are you waiting for, Iwa-chan? Aren’t you going to ask me to dance?”

He blushes for the nth time that night and takes Tooru’s hands, draping them across his shoulders. Hesitantly, his own hands find Tooru’s waist, and they begin to sway along to the rhythm of the song.

It’s a lot closer than Hajie expected, but somehow still not close enough. It feels like there’s an ocean of space between them, yet everything about it is so overwhelmingly intimate. Somehow, Tooru looks even more beautiful up close. He can smell Tooru’s cologne- a sweet, vanilla scent. They look everywhere in the room but each other’s eyes, hands shaking slightly. Hajime almost laughs at how loud Tooru’s heart is beating right now, but he’s not that cruel. Besides, he’s really not one to talk.

“Crazy weather we’ve been having,” Tooru says, breaking the silence.

Hajime laughs. “Makki said something similar to me the other day.”

“Everyone’s worried about the weather,” Tooru shakes his head. “It’s so cold out.”

“Well, it’s December.”

“Can’t argue with that,” he’s talking stiffly, and Hajime feels his concern rising because of it.

Once he knows what to look for, it’s easy to notice the way Tooru’s eyes skirt around the room, nervously eyeing everyone to make sure no one’s staring at them. His heart breaks because of it, and he attempts to rub Tooru’s side to comfort him. It only makes the latter jump, making a small noise of discomfort.

He softens his gaze. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Tooru nods, quickly. “Can we- uh, can we go outside please?”

They go out the gym’s back door, ignoring the teachers who give them concerning looks. Hajime silently prays that Takahiro and Issei don’t get the wrong idea. It’s a challenge to get through the crowd, but once they’re off the dance floor they exit easily.

Tooru wasn’t kidding about it being cold out. The winter air bites Hajime’s exposed skin as soon as they leave the gym. He rubs his arms to warm himself up, taking note of the way his breath is visible in the air whenever he exhales.

He sits down beside Tooru on the top of the stairs that lead up to the door. Their sides touch and they both lean into it, relishing in the warmth. Tooru also has his arms wrapped around himself, but he has a hunch it isn’t just because of the cold.

This is it, this is the conversation Hajime’s been waiting for. The one they both always knew would happen at some point, because how could it not? They had too much to address, too many unresolved thoughts and feelings- not just about each other, but about the world. Years ago, Tooru’s parents instilled beliefs in him that he couldn’t help but internalize growing up. In spite of this, there is and always has been something between the two of them. Something they’re both too terrified to talk about, even though they knew the talk was inevitable. Things are changing, they won’t be in middle school forever. And hiding from this won’t make it go away.

He wraps an arm around Tooru’s shoulders, pulling him close. He means to warm him, not to burn. Tooru leans into it immediately, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because,” Tooru sniffles. “I made us come out here in the cold.”

Hajime shakes his head. “I don’t mind that. I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Tooru looks at him then, eyes serious. “Hajime, what am I to you?”

What is Tooru to him? Where does he even begin with that? Tooru is so many things to him he’s not sure he could even count them on both hands. He’s the light that comes through his window to wake him in the mornings, the grass that stains his skin in the summer. Tooru is a beginning, a middle and an ending. He’s the stuffed animals in a trunk in his room that he’s not ready to get rid of, the old cardigan under his bed. He often thinks that Tooru is a god, but there is something so incredibly human about him. If Tooru isn’t celestial then he is the embodiment of everything real and true in the world. He is fresh air, sunlight, and running water; he is handpicked flowers and a warm, homemade meal.

Tooru is everything Hajime knows, the face he sees every time he turns his head. The person he sleeps best around; his soulmate, as cheesy as that may sound. He’s not sure what chemical reaction had to happen in the universe for him and Tooru to meet, but he’s sure they were destined to be together. If not as lovers, then as friends. Really, he’ll take Tooru any way he can have him because all he wants is to stay in his life. To spend the rest of his days sharing Tooru’s laughter and teasing him relentlessly.

“You’re my best friend,” Hajime says instead, because he’s not quite ready to say everything else out loud yet.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

He looks down, swallowing. “You’re the most important person in the world to me.”

Tooru breathes. “That’s what I was afraid of.”

Hajime knows he didn’t mean it like that, but the statement still feels offensive.

“If you don’t feel the same, just say it. It won’t hurt my feelings or anything, our friendship is way more important to me.”

That’s not the entire truth. Hajime’s feelings would still very much be hurt, but as long as he can still be Tooru’s friend, he would get over it.

“Of course I feel the same.”

He inhales, feeling a sudden weight off of his shoulders. Years of waiting, wondering, fear and self-hatred, all resolved in a single sentence. Maybe not entirely, Hajime still has scars that will take time to heal. But the knowledge that Tooru likes him that way, that he’s wanted, it feels like a cure he didn’t know he needed.

“But my parents, they aren’t like yours,” he continues. “They would hate me. I don’t think they would disown me but they would look at me differently and they already don’t like me. I’ve spent so long trying to win their approval, trying to be perfect, but nothing works. If I told them I was- that I liked men, I can’t even imagine how they would react.”

And there it is, the thing that’s been putting a wall between them all these years. The wall that Hajime has slowly begun trying to tear down.

“Listen to me,” he starts. “You are worth so much more than what your parents think about you. They’re the ones who are wrong for not appreciating you. You’re their son, you shouldn’t have to earn their respect. And ignoring this won’t make it go away, it will just make things harder for you.”

Tooru looks at him, face stained with tears. “I know that, but it’s not that easy.”

“These things aren't easy,” Hajime explains. “They suck, but it’s worth it when you can finally say you’re proud.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be proud of myself.”

“Then I’ll do it for you.”

The feeling of lips against his own catches him off guard.

Tooru is kissing him.

Oikawa Tooru is kissing him.

His best friend is kissing him.

Sparks go off in his chest, a thrill similar to when he scores a point during a game. Tooru’s lips are smooth and impossibly soft, almost like a marshmallow. He knows it’s probably weird to compare someone’s lips to a marshmallow, but the rational part of his brain shut off as soon as Tooru started leaning in. It feels so magical and so beautifully normal at the same time. On one hand, he’s kissing a god; but he’s also kissing his best friend. A remarkable moment in history on an average Saturday.

When Tooru pulls away, Hajime can barely speak. He just stares at him, absolutely in awe of this incredible human being. He wants to kiss him a thousand times, to hold him for all of eternity. But Tooru is still crying.

“I’m bisexual,” he confesses.

Hajime nods. “I figured.”

Tooru slaps him, playfully. “My parents can never know. I mean they will at some point, but not any time soon. In fact, I would appreciate it if nobody knew for a little while. We can tell them eventually, I promise, but I want it to be when I’m ready.”

“What are you talking about?”

He looks at him, questioningly. “Don’t you want to be my boyfriend?”

Hajime gapes at him, speechless yet again. “I am going to marry you someday.”

“Be my boyfriend first.”

“Deal.”

Their lips meet again and though things may never be perfect, Hajime could get used to this.

~

Hajime still does not fully believe he isn’t dreaming. Every time Tooru gives him a kiss on the cheek in private or holds his hand on their usual walk home, he pinches himself. Functionally, not much changes. They’ve always been so close that making that switch from friends to dating feels almost natural to them. It’s weird at first, Hajime feels like they should be doing more- changing more. He’s been dreaming about this his whole life, and now that they’re finally together it feels sort of anticlimactic. That doesn’t make it any less perfect, but things are very far from what he expected them to be.

In a way though, he doesn’t care. Because Tooru’s started giving him these looks, quick glances and soft smiles passed like notes during class, and how could he ever want anything else? Most people don’t get lucky enough to have everything they could ever ask for in life fall right into their lap by the end of their third year of middle school, so Hajime figures he must be the luckiest man alive.

Tooru never hesitates to tell him that it’s not luck, that they’re together because they’re the best match for each other. He says that Hajime is all he’s ever wanted, and that simply cannot be true. How could someone so effortlessly charming and funny and amazing ever want someone like Hajime? He’s not insecure, but he is self-aware. He knows that he’s just some guy in comparison to Tooru, who is every good thing Hajime has ever felt wrapped up in a blanket. He could live ten thousand lifetimes and never deserve Tooru, he made peace with that a long time ago.

But then Tooru holds him and chides him about talking nonsense and- okay, maybe he can try to be less self-deprecating about the situation. No point in ruining a good thing just because he thinks he hasn’t earned it. Maybe he doesn’t need to earn Tooru, maybe the two of them can just exist together without thinking about whether or not they deserve it. Everyone deserves love on principle.

So they go about their lives, everything the same but constantly changing. They attend volleyball practice, but Tooru starts giving him more praise whenever he scores a point. They walk everywhere together, but now their hands are intertwined as they do so. They text, but now Tooru insists on using a variety of cutesy emojis he only reserved for ironic purposes before. They study together, but now Tooru distracts him with chaste kisses every time he gets a problem right. They have sleepovers, but they cuddle a little closer now.

They don’t tell anyone. That was Tooru’s number one rule when they first started dating, and Hajime has respected it ever since. It’s hard not to tell people when all he wants to do is shout it from the rooftops, but he would never hurt Tooru like that. And besides, it’s kind of sweet to have another thing that’s just for them; to sneak glances and meet in secret. It’s romantic, as gross as that is to admit. They have all the time in the world to tell people, for now Hajime is content to enjoy privacy.

“C’mon,” Tooru teases one day while they’re eating lunch behind the school. “Admit it. You think it’s kind of exciting sneaking around like this.”

“I think you’re kind of annoying,” he retorts. “Eat your milk bread.”

This goes on until their first year of high school. What used to be just friendly hangouts turn into frequent dates(Tooru insists on having at least one outing a week where they spend time together somewhere that isn’t one of their houses). Again, it feels so normal yet so different. Sitting across from Tooru at a cafe? No big deal. The way Tooru sort of leans forward now and sometimes reaches for Hajime’s hand? Uncharted territory. He’s also not prepared for Tooru’s overuse of “babe”, nor his sudden fondness of using Hajime’s given name. He would never admit it, but he’s glad Tooru never fully gets rid of “Iwa-chan”. It’s annoying, but it’s something he’s familiar with. Not that he minds the other pet names, but he still has a soft spot for routine.

As soon as Hajime realized he could call Tooru every cheesy, embarrassing pet name he can think of, he decides he’ll never call him by his actual name again. The way Tooru’s nose scrunches up every time he lets the word “Honey” or- god forbid- “Sugar” slip out is priceless and honestly adorable. Even if Hajime himself cringes a little every time he says a dumb nickname, it’s worth it just for how mildly annoyed Tooru gets about it.

He really thought Tooru would be used to being on the receiving end of flirting by now, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. He’ll tease Hajime all day long but as soon as Hajime hits on him back, his face goes completely red. If Hajime knew all he had to do to shut Tooru up was to kiss his cheek or hold his hand, he would have made a move ages ago. He figures Tooru probably just isn’t used to doing those things with men. Or maybe Hajime’s just special. Either way, he absolutely adores the fact that he gets to call his man his boyfriend.

So, yeah. Things are going really well. Beyond well, even. Hajime gets to go into high school dating his best friend and he honestly couldn’t ask for anything more than that. Better yet, they both manage to make the starting lineup . Seeing Tooru happy has always made him happy, and getting to be his boyfriend on top of that? If Hajime isn’t the luckiest man alive, then he sure is the happiest.

He got so used to the way things were, that it caught him completely off guard when Tooru told him he wanted things to change.

It happened after school one day, when the two of them had been tasked with locking up the gym for the night. After they finished cleaning up, Tooru asked him if he could hit a few of his sets. Normally, this late at night, Hajime would’ve said no, but he’s been in a good mood lately so he relented.

They line up a few feet away from each other and Hajime takes a moment to appreciate how good Tooru looks in one of the Aoba Johsai t-shirts. Blue has always been his color, Hajime could never deny that. It’s been Tooru’s favorite since they were kids, so he wears it often. At some point(he can’t recall when exactly), Hajime stopped being able to see the color blue without thinking of his best friend. There were lots of things like that, things that reminded him of Tooru. Whenever he would look up at the stars, he would think of the countless times Tooru rambled about them or texted Hajime at random to let him know how pretty the sky looked. Whenever he ate mint-chocolate chip ice cream he thought about how it was Tooru’s favorite, whenever he heard obnoxious pop music he thought of all the songs Tooru had made him listen to over the years- all the playlists he had made for him. There were countless things that he normally wouldn’t think twice about that he now viewed in a different light.

“Iwa-chan,” the slam of a ball against the floor beside him pulls him out of his thoughts. “Focus.”

“Sorry.”

He says a quick prayer for his forearms as Tooru gets ready to serve, trying not to get distracted by the way his body curves in the air when he hits the ball. So flawless even when he’s doing something Hajime’s seen hundreds of times by now.

“Can we go now?” He asked after receiving the ball for the seventh time.

“Actually,” Tooru started. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Hajime raised an eyebrow. “Something that couldn’t wait until we got back to your place?”

He doesn’t mean to complain, but he can’t help getting a little irritable after a long day of school and practice. Just because he randomly decided he likes indulging Tooru doesn’t mean he’s going to give him a break.

“I dunno,” Tooru shrugged. “I figured hitting a few sets first would help me relax.”

He releases a breath, stepping closer. “Alright then, what is it?”

“....I’m not sure how you’ll react.”

Hajime takes the final few strides over to him, flicking him on the forehead. “Idiot. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Tooru stammers. “It’s just that- I don’t know why this is so hard to say.”

That’s definitely new. Tooru rarely gets nervous about anything, and he always says dumb stuff proudly. It’s not like him to get so upset over something, especially when Hajime is involved. The shorter boy can’t help but be filled with concern. Hesitantly, he extends his hand to push some of Tooru’s hair back.

“Hey,” he says, softly. “Whatever it is, I’ll understand.”

Tooru makes a face. “You’re so gay, Iwa-chan.”

“Get to the point.”

“Fine,” he takes a deep breath. “I want to tell Mattsun and Makki about our relationship.”

He can’t help the excited flip his chest does at the proclamation. He doesn’t even bother to hide the way his face lights up, and his hand pauses in it’s trail through Tooru’s hair.

“Really?”

The brunet nods. “I think it’s time. They may have already figured it out, we’re not exactly subtle about it.”

“We’re subtle,” Hajime huffs, defensively.

Tooru laughs. “Not around them. Last time the four of us had a movie night, I put my head in your lap.”

“Yeah, well,” he frowns. “Friends cuddle.”

Tooru throws his arms around him, affectionate and teasing. “Aww, of course, Iwa-chan. My good old pal. Just two buddies. Best friends.”

“I’m still your best friend,” Hajime argues as he swats Tooru’s hands away.

“Never said you weren’t. So are you cool with telling them?”

Of course he’s cool with telling them, he’s wanted to tell them since that stupid middle school dance. He’s never said anything about it to Tooru, because he doesn’t want to make him feel guilty for keeping things secret, but he wants nothing more than that.

“It’s about time,” he grins.

“Mean Iwa-chan.”

Now it’s Hajime’s turn to tackle Tooru, attacking him with soft hits and playful kisses.

On their walk back to their neighborhood, they decide on a time and a place to tell Takahiro and Issei. Or, rather, Tooru thinks up a plan and Hajime agrees. They’ll do it at a sleepover, as per tradition. Hajime’s parents will be away on a couple’s trip this weekend, which presents the perfect opportunity. Since Tooru is the only one of the group who isn’t out yet, he decides that he’ll tell them first and then get into the stuff about him and Hajime.

“Are you sure about this?” The green-eyed boy double checks as they make it to his house. “We don’t have to do this until you’re ready.”

Tooru nods. “I’m sure. Actually, I’d like to tell a lot of people if that’s okay with you. Just as long as my parents don’t find out.”

And what else is Hajime supposed to do after a statement like that, besides kiss him?

They can’t help but smile every time their eyes meet the next day, anticipation building by the minute. It feels a little ridiculous, embarrassing even. Hajime always made fun of couples like that, always shook his head and wrinkled his nose at how airheaded love could make someone act. He gagged whenever Takahiro and Issei were overly affectionate with one another, or when his parents kissed in the kitchen during breakfast. Leave it to Tooru to make him turn against every negative thought he’s ever had about love.

“Do you guys wanna come over to my place this weekend?” Hajime says at lunch, as casually as possible. “My parents are going on some kind of couple’s trip.”

“That’s so sweet,” Takahiro teases.

“Don’t be gross. Are you coming or not?”

“You haven’t even touched me yet.”

Tooru has to hold him back from punching Takahiro while Issei laughs.

“Relax,” he chuckles. “Yes, I’ll be there.”

“Me too.”

“You already know I’ll be there, Iwa-chan.”

He stiffened at the vaguely-flirtatious tone of Tooru’s voice. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that, at least not around Takahiro and Issei. Maybe Tooru really does want to drop the whole secret-relationship thing.

Naturally, Tooru arrives at his house before Takahiro and Issei. They kiss as soon as the door shuts, and Hajime is distantly reminded of a scene he’s seen countless times in movie’s and old television shows; the wife waiting for her husband to return home from work. The way they kiss is more like coming home from war, but either way there is certainly no wife present in this situation. Perhaps a more fitting image would be two men in the army kissing the second no one is looking after surviving a dangerous battle. He knows it’s insanely dramatic, but for once he decides to let himself be a dumb teenager.

“Missed you,” Tooru beams.

“You saw me an hour ago.”

“What a long, torturous hour.”

Yeah, they’re both definitely a little melodramatic. Blame it on hormones or the famed honeymoon stage, whatever the cause is makes no difference to Hajime. As long as Tooru keeps smiling at him the way he does, Hajime doesn’t care if he’s acting like Romeo at the balcony.

They settle on the couch while they wait on Issei and Takahiro to arrive, preparing the snacks and turning on some sitcom that neither of them have any intention of watching. Compared to most teenagers, Hajime would say they make out pretty innocently. A few sloppy kisses mixed with laughter that neither of them can contain. He loves kissing Tooru, could do it all day even. He loves the way his lips feel against his- smooth, wet, and always a little pushy. More than that, he loves the way Tooru can never just stick to his lips. His deep kisses always devolve into little pecks across his face that Hajime pretends to be annoyed with. He loves the way their hands always end up finding each other while they kiss, and enjoys the times he gets to run his hands through Tooru’s hair without any complaints. He adores how Tooru smiles and giggles against his neck when they’re done kissing, mumbling about how he “can’t take this seriously”. Kissing Tooru feels more like kissing his best friend than his boyfriend, and Hajime loves that more than anything.

They jump apart when they hear a knock at the door, Tooru falling off the couch.

“That was your fault,” he scowls.

“Yeah, yeah,” Hajime rolls his eyes as he helps him up. “I’ll go get the door. Fix your hair.”

He makes his way over to the door while Tooru bolts to the bathroom to check on his hair. When he opens it, Issei is standing there with one of Takahiro’s arms slung over his shoulders.

“Both of you try to keep your hands to yourselves tonight, ‘kay?” He deadpans.

“Nice to see you too,” Takahiro scoffs, moving past him to get to the living room.

“Make yourself at home,” he mutters.

“Aw, c’mon Hajme,” Issei playfully punches him. “You love us.”

“Where’s Tooru?”

Hajime’s brain freezes as he scrambles to think of an excuse. He’s a terrible liar, so he has to be careful about what he says. If he says something too suspicious, he could end up digging his own grave. Whatever he says needs to be clever enough to be believable, but not so much that it’s obvious he’s making it up. He needs to think quick or else-

“Sorry guys,” Tooru says, re-entering the living room. “I just wanted to make sure my hair was still in place.”

Oh. Seems like he could’ve just told the truth.

“Typical,” Takahiro glares.

They end up sitting around the television and digging into the snacks while Issei and Tooru argue over what movie they should watch. Tooru wants to watch a horror movie while Issei wants something more action-based. The fighting makes for nice background noise while Hajime digs into his bag of light salt potato chips. Tooru and Issei had both become self-proclaimed film bros over the summer, and Hajime and Takahiro were left to deal with the consequences. Spats like this became frequent, and Hajime had long-since learned to tune them out and refrain from giving input.

“I would like to be able to sleep tonight,” Issei huffed.

“It’s not my fault you’re a pussy. Nobody wants to watch a bunch of back-to-back fight scenes with shitty cgi.”

“Take it down a notch,” Hajime pinched the bridge of his nose.

Tooru gasped, indignantly. “Iwa-chan, I am distraught. I thought for sure you would take my side.”

“I’m not on any side, I just want to watch a movie.”

“You should side with me though,” he pouted. “After all, you’re going to be my husband someday. Shouldn’t we be a team?”

“Fuck off.”

He doesn’t fully register what Tooru said until he sees the way Issei and Takahiro are blinking at them, confused looks on their faces. Why do they look-

Shit.

“Um-”

“What was that?”

He looks to Tooru, unsure of what to say. The brunet looks stunned at first and Hajime thinks he’s probably really upset. He’d put so much thought into how he wanted to come out all for it to happen through a slip up. Then Tooru breaks out in a fit of laughter and it’s Hajime’s turn to be stunned.

“Welp,” he snorts. “We were gonna tell you tonight anyways, might as well make it now.”

Issei sputters. “You guys are engaged?!?”

“No,” Hajime laughs.

“Well, technically-”

“Not yet, at least.”

“But we are dating!”

They’re quiet again after that, obviously not mad but perhaps at a loss for words. Takahiro is the first one to speak.

“I fucking knew it.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Issei groans.

“Pay up.”

Hajime stares at them, speechless. They knew? No, that’s not possible. They’ve been so careful; there’s no way they could have known, not even a chance. But, then again, Tooru did say he didn’t think they were being subtle. Maybe he just hadn’t realized?

“You guys made a bet?” Hajime gaped.

“Not on whether or not you were dating,” Takahiro explains. “That much was obvious. It was about when you would come out. I said it would be sometime during our first two years and Mattsun said it would be either in our third year or after that.”

“So, Tooru,” Issei began. “Was Yoshiko just a phase or-”

“I’m bisexual,” he clarifies.

“Nice, that’s three out of four. Looks like Hajime’s the odd one out.”

“We weren’t that obvious,” he blurts, unable to think of anything else.”

“Oh, please,” Takahiro rolls his eyes. “Don’t think we don’t notice all those glances you guys give each other during class.”

“To be completely honest,” Issei adds. “I thought you guys were dating back when I first met you.”

There’s something about that that Hajime can’t help but smile at. The fact that someone would assume him and Tooru were a couple even before they were dating. It means they look like a couple, that the feelings they have for one another are mutual and obvious.

“I hope my parents haven’t noticed,” Tooru cringes.

“I’m pretty sure your parents don’t even know that gay people exist,” Issei states. “You have nothing to be worried about.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Mattsun,” Hajime sneers.

“No need to flip a table,” Takahiro holds his hands up defensively. “We’re proud of you guys.”

Admittedly, it feels good to have the news out in the open. Spilling it early on ends up working out because Hajime and Tooru get to cuddle during the movie without any questioning looks. This doesn’t, of course, excuse them from any teasing, but that much was to be expected.

They spend a lot of the night talking about how they all came to terms with their sexualities. For the most part, it was something they had all sort of always known. Takahiro swears up and down though that he wasn’t gay until he met Issei.

“I was completely straight until the second grade,” he recounts. “One look at that face and then- bam! I like men now.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Issei laughed.

Life was good then. There were no worries, no complications. Hajime spent a good night eating junk food and watching horror movies with his closest friends and his boyfriend. Back then he was much more innocent than he realized, he knew he was happy but he didn’t know just how lucky he was to have all of that. He was invincible, unbroken. He had never been hurt, not really, and had never hurt anyone. The one and only time he ever made Tooru feel an ounce of pain was back at the quarry and that was far behind them. Things were different now, better. At sixteen, Hajime had so much more than he realized. There was no way he could’ve known how easy it all would have been to lose.

~

The first time they broke up was near the end of their first year. To this day, Hajime has no idea what happened. He was the luckiest man in the world to be dating Tooru, surely he would have to be an idiot to ever let go of that.

But that was before he saw Tooru talking to that girl from his history class. It was the one class they didn’t have together, so Hajime had been waiting outside the room to walk with Tooru to science. They were still in their honeymoon phase, and things could not have been going more perfectly. Which is exactly why Hajime got so upset when he saw them together. It was like being woken up from a nice dream with ice water, like being stabbed both in the heart and in the back by the same person all at once.

At first he hadn’t thought much of it, just figured Tooru was catching up with a classmate. Then he noticed how close they were standing, and the way the girl blushed as she looked up at Tooru. He also noticed the way Tooru smiled at her a little too kindly, hand moving to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. He caught the way Tooru’s eyes were drawn to the bottom of her skirt for a minute too long before he walked away. Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach.

He walked away before Tooru could see him.

He spent the rest of the day avoiding Tooru, shoving him away in science when he tried to hold his hand under the desk. Right away, Tooru noticed something was wrong and continued to pester him about it throughout the day. Hajime refused to let up on the silent treatment even at lunch when Takahiro and Issei started to question him about it. Coach notices at practice and tells him to loosen up, so he reluctantly tries to cooperate more. Still, he doesn’t talk to Tooru.

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru begs on their walk home. “Please, just tell me what I did. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me.”

He still doesn’t acknowledge him, looking straight ahead.

“You know I hate being ignored,” he frowns. “C’mon, what’d I do?”

The thing is, he should know what he did. He should know better than to flirt with girls when he has a boyfriend. They’ve been out at school for months now anyway, so everyone knows he’s taken. Except Tooru himself, apparently.

“Are you seriously never going to talk to me again? That’s gonna be really inconvenient when we’re married, isn’t it?”

His scowl deepens.

“Alright, I get it, not the time for jokes.”

He finally looks up to glare at him. Tooru gulps.

“Listen,” he continues. “Why don’t we talk this out? I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you yell at me a little. I can’t fix what happened if I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Are you dumb or something?” Hajime snaps.

Like the bastard he is, Tooru’s face lights up. “Hey, you’re talking to me again! There’s my Iwa-chan.”

“No, I’m not your Iwa-chan right now,” he knows the wording is a little silly, but he can’t bring himself to care. “Do you think you can go and flirt with other people and still get to call me your boyfriend?”

Tooru tilts his head, perplexed. “But I didn’t flirt with anybody.”

“God, you are such a prick,” he clenches his fists. “I saw you talking with that girl in your history class. You were trying to look up her skirt.”

Realization surfaces in Tooru’s eyes and Hajime barely holds back from slapping him.

“Oh! Ema? She’s just a fan, that’s all. I was trying to be nice.”

“By staring at her thighs?”

“I mean, have you seen them?” He laughs. “Geez, I looked at the hem of her skirt for like five seconds. It’s not like I cheated on you or anything.”

“So you admit it?”

“Admit that I looked at a girl’s legs? Yes, I admit that. I still don’t see what I did wrong here.”

“You have a boyfriend, asshole,” he gives Tooru a shove, causing him to stumble backwards a few steps.

In a horrifying split second, he’s reminded of that day at the quarry. Of how Tooru ended up scarred and bleeding with a bad ankle because of Hajime’s reckless behavior. He’s always had some slight anger issues, and the two of them did rough house a bit, but he would never in a million years willingly hurt Tooru. That’s the last thing he ever wants to do. Even now, when he’s angrier than he’s been in years, the shove he gives him is a light one, only meant to emphasize his point. But it’s Tooru, and Hajime is incapable of not worrying about his safety and well-being in any situation.

He takes a metaphorical step back to question whether or not his behavior is justified right now. Even if Tooru did something to upset him, he should never under any circumstances put his hands on his boyfriend like that. He shouldn’t yell at him so much either. Shit, he’s a horrible person.

“Sorry,” he mutters.

Tooru makes a sound between a scoff and a laugh. “Why are you apologizing?”

His face flushes. “Because I shoved you. Even if we’re arguing, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“We shove each other all the time.”

“Still….”

“Besides, I barely felt that. You’ve gone soft, babe.”

And just like that, Hajime’s mad again.

“I don’t hear you apologizing.”

Tooru shakes his head, hysterically. “That’s because I don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m gonna flirt, Hajime, that’s just who I am. It doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

Hajime doesn’t know how to tell him what’s wrong. He doesn’t know how to explain that he’s never really seen himself as attractive, and that as much as he hates to admit it he’s actually very insecure. Ever since they started dating, Hajime has had this overwhelming feeling that he doesn’t deserve Tooru, that Tooru could do so much better. So when he sees him looking at someone who is clearly way above Hajime’s league, it makes him feel like shit. Deep down, he’s not really mad at Tooru; he’s just upset and needs reassurance that he doesn’t know how to ask for. So he yells to be heard, hoping that somewhere along the way Tooru might magically realize what’s really bothering him.

He looks at him with hurt, angry green eyes. “Fine then. If you want to flirt so bad, go flirt, see if I care. Just know you won’t have a boyfriend anymore when you do it.”

He starts walking, picking up pace when Tooru tries to follow him. He can’t do this, can’t have the one person who’s always been there for him hurt him like this. Even if Tooru doesn’t think he’s in the wrong, he could at least be nicer about it. Then they could have both calmed down and had a rational chat about the situation and worked things out. But Tooru has made it clear he doesn’t want to find a middle ground here.

“Iwa-chan,” he calls after him. “Babe, come on. You’re really gonna ignore me all day and then walk off like that? Not exactly Boyfriend of the Year behavior.”

“Did you not hear me?” Hajime turns around, glaring. “I’m not your boyfriend anymore.”

He gets a sick satisfaction out of the way Tooru’s face falls at that, light draining from his eyes. He stops dead in his tracks, eyes wide and lips parted. He looks just as heartbroken as Hajime feels.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes,” he turns back around, leaving no room for argument. “I do.”

“Can we please talk this out?”

“Nope.”

Tooru keeps chasing after him, grabbing his hand once he catches up. “Please, Hajime. Let’s go back to your place and talk.”

“I think you’ve said enough,” he yanks his hand away.

“But I don’t want to break up.”

A fleeting feeling of guilt returns at that. He doesn’t want to hurt Tooru emotionally any more than he wants to hurt him physically. But he also doesn’t want to be dating someone who makes him feel like he has to compete for his attention.

“Too bad.”

He leaves Tooru standing on the sidewalk, alone and confused.

Fortunately, the first breakup does not last long. It was still the longest one they ever had, going on for an excruciating three weeks. Hajime regrets the way he acted as soon as he gets home that night, but he’s too stubborn to apologize. They don’t talk to each other the next day at school, or the day after that, or the day after that. Takahiro and Issei are overly concerned, and their friend group ends up splitting for a little bit. Tooru takes Takahiro and Hajime takes Issei, after the two listen to both sides and form solid opinions on the situation. They still do their best to get Hajime or Tooru to apologize, but it’s a difficult task when no one can agree on which of them was in the wrong.

When word gets out that Oikawa Tooru is single again, the school erupts. Hajime can’t go anywhere without hearing the gossip or being told that he made a mistake. What’s worse is that boys and girls alike view this as their chance to make a move. He starts getting more love letters and confessions almost immediately, and more fangirls start popping up at their games. Even Ushijima Wakatoshi from Shiratorizawa Academy texted him within the first week(Tooru wasn’t amused).

Predictably, on Friday of Week Two of their breakup, Tooru goes on a date. With the girl from his history class, no less. It’s the most obvious “fuck you” Hajime has ever recieved in his life, but he doesn’t rise to the bait.

He hates everything about it though. There’s a part of him that thinks this is what Tooru wanted all along- that he would rather be with that girl than with Hajime. Maybe he really did blow his one and only chance to be happy, maybe no one will ever love him again after this. And even if someone did, would it really matter if they weren’t Tooru? Worse than that, he might have just lost his best friend. Like a broken record, he finds himself haunted by the fear that Tooru might hate him. Of course he hates him, Hajime broke up with him. If he didn’t hate him, he wouldn’t have gone out with that girl just to spite him. It takes a special kind of cruelty to play into someone’s insecurities like that.

More than anything, Hajime just wishes this would end. He would give anything to have Tooru talk to him again outside of volleyball, to walk home with him again. His mom keeps asking him what’s wrong but he doesn’t know what to tell her. They still haven’t told either of their parents that they were dating, and Hajime’s not about to betray Tooru by breaking that promise. Besides, he still doesn’t know how to put his feelings into words. What would he say, anyway? That he wants Tooru to apologize? That he spends his nights staring at the ceiling and contemplating whether or not he should apologize himself? That he really doesn’t care what Tooru does anymore as long as he can have him back?

Maybe he asked for too much. Things were going so well, better than he ever could have dreamed. And oh, Hajime dreams. He used to dream about Tooru in the heights of puberty, waking up feeling lonely and wishing he could reach out and touch him. Now, these dreams have returned as if to mock him. He knows it’s his own fault, that he shouldn’t have gotten so confident as though to think he could be the only person Tooru looks at. He has never deserved Tooru, and this is the universe's way of reminding him of that.

Miraculously, Tooru is the one who apologizes.

It happens after practice one day, when he leaves the clubroom Tooru is standing outside waiting for him like he used to. The sight catches him off guard, but he keeps walking, ignoring the obvious olive branch even when all he wants to do is fall into Tooru’s arms and apologize.

“Hajime,” Tooru calls, walking after him. “Can we please talk? This has been going on for too long.”

“If you’re going to ask me to apologize, you can forget about it.”

Why is he doing this? Tooru is trying to make things right, to possibly take him back even after Hajime’s been so horrible to him. Why doesn’t he just hear him out? It would make his life so much better.

“I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

Hajime stills at that, eyes wide. He has to be hearing things. There’s no way that Tooru- flawless, perfect Tooru, could be apologizing to him right now. Hajime was the one who broke things off, the one who shoved him and hurt his feelings. He should be the one begging for forgiveness, not the other way around.

“I didn’t realize how I was making you feel,” Tooru goes on. “And I should have listened to you. I never want you to feel insecure or to have to doubt our relationship. It was petty of me to go out with Ema after you were worried about her, so I’m sorry about that too. I hate seeing you upset and I hate being broken up.”

Hajime doesn’t look at him, but he does speak.

“I hate being broken up too.”

“Good,” he can practically hear the relief in Tooru’s voice. “Then can we please go somewhere and talk about this? I’m tired of being mad at you.”

They end up going to a cafe they used to frequent, sitting across from each other with guilty eyes and silent smiles. They eat quietly at first, unsure of what to say to each other. Surprisingly, Hajime ends up being the one to talk first.

“I’m sorry for the way I handled things,” he starts. “I shouldn’t have ignored you and I should have just told you why I was mad.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask why you were mad,” Tooru shakes his hands, nervously. “I mean, why you were really mad. You always talk about how you’re lucky to be with me and how you think you don’t deserve me, I should have put two and two together. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“You didn’t make me feel that way,” Hajime shakes his head. “I made myself feel that way by not talking to you about it.”

Tooru’s eyes soften. “Talk to me about it now then.”

Occasionally, Tooru is really good at this relationship stuff. Hajime missed it.

“Well,” he begins. “I mean look at me compared to you. I’m not exactly the best looking guy on the team.”

“Stop right there,” Tooru puts a hand up. “Are you joking? Have you seen yourself? You’re breathtaking. The most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life.”

The compliments make him blush, but he lets it go in one ear and out the other. “I wasn’t done.”

“Sorry,” he sits back. “But we are definitely coming back to that later.”

“Anyways,” he continues. “I guess I just always viewed you as someone unattainable. Like I pined after you for so long that I didn’t think you could ever look at me that way. So when you did start to like me back, I felt like I was dreaming. I’ve never felt like I deserve you.”

Tooru reaches across the table to take his hand, leaning forward. “We don’t have to deserve each other to be in love. You are more than worthy of me just by being in my life and being my best friend. And, for the record, I’ve been pining after you since we were five, so it was never one-sided.”

Hajime looks at him, eyes wide. “Really? That long?”

“Yep, ever since you threw that rock at my mouth. It was fate.”

It’s a lot to take in at once. Tooru thinks that he’s worthy of him. Tooru has been in love with him since they were five years old. Tooru wants this just as much as he does, if not more. That last part is impossible though, because no one could ever love another person as much as Hajime loves Tooru. All along, Hajime thought Tooru was only with him because of some miracle, that it was a one in a million chance that would only occur once in his life. He never would have thought Tooru was thinking of him the same way all along. That this wasn’t a miracle, but instead a mutual bond bound to grow. Something they made together, because they both want each other. They both continue to choose each other.

He thinks back to what Tooru said about Yoshiko, that it was nice to be wanted. He thought he understood what that meant the night they kissed, but the full meaning finally sinks in. Tooru wants him just as much as he wants Tooru. Tooru loves him, Tooru thinks of him, Tooru longs for him, Tooru hurts for him, Tooru yearns for him. Every feeling he has ever had towards Tooru has been fully reciprocated, he just never knew it. Tooru wants him, he’s sad without him. He means something to Tooru. He’s still not sure if he deserves any of that, but he no longer considers it a miracle. It’s something they both did, something they both want. Not only is Hajime wanted, he is loved. Loved by Oikawa Tooru.

“Will you please take me back?” Hajime asks. He knows it’s pathetic but love requires some level of vulnerability, and he’s ready to allow Tooru this much.

Tooru only smiles, rubbing his thumb across the back of Hajime’s hand. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“Thank you,” he no longer knows what he’s saying, but it makes Tooru laugh so it must be the right thing.

“You don’t need to thank me for dating you, Iwa-chan. Dating you is what makes me the happiest man alive. And I won’t flirt with people anymore if it makes you upset.”

“You can still flirt just,” Hajime exhales. “I don’t know. We’ll worry about that later. I know you love me now though, and you’ve never given me a reason to doubt that, so maybe we won’t have to worry about it at all.”

“We’re still going to have to talk about this,” Tooru insists. “I want to make sure I never give you a reason to question the way I feel about you, and I definitely don’t want you thinking you don’t deserve this.”

“I’m sorry I shoved you,” he rambles. “I know we hit each other all the time but that’s different, that’s just the way we joke with each other. I was actually mad at you then and I shouldn’t have let my feelings get the better of me.”

“Iwa-chan,” he giggles. “You don’t have to be careful with me just because we’re dating. I know you would never hurt me, don’t worry about it.”

He still feels sort of guilty, but if Tooru isn’t mad or hurt then he doesn’t see a reason to linger on it. He silently disagrees with the part about not having to be careful with him though. Tooru is his boyfriend and should therefore receive nothing but the highest form of treatment from Hajime for the rest of his life.

“Okay, but I’m still never going to let that happen again.”

“Such a gentleman,” Tooru chastises. “Are we good now?”

Hajime gives him a soft smile. “Yeah, we’re good.”

“That’s a relief,” Tooru sighs. “I missed you so much.”

“It was three weeks.”

“What a torturous three weeks.”

For a while after that, things went back to normal. Takahiro and Issei were especially glad to see them on good terms again, and went as far as to give both of them long overdue shovel talks. It took a few days to get back into the swing of things, but soon enough they were fully immersed in the old routine.

They continued to have dates and stay over at each other’s houses. They would hold hands during class and on the walk home from school, and they doted on each other so often it made Takahiro and Issei sick. Tooru insisted that they talk about their insecurities often so that they could make sure they didn’t run into any more problems. For a few beautiful weeks, they were doing better than ever.

It wasn’t long, however, before they realized they still had a lot to work out. Their fights became more frequent, and soon they were less inclined to talk out every little quarrel. The pleasant feeling Hajime used to get in his chest every time Tooru sat down beside him soon turned to irritation, and the smile Tooru gave Hajime every time they saw each other started to look more forced. They still went on dates and hung out all the time just like they always had, but every day started to feel like a rollercoaster. One minute, they were completely in love; the next, they couldn’t stand the sight of each other.

“Now you guys really are acting like a married couple,” Issei joked one day during practice.

Hajime supposed that was true, but he hated it. He was well aware that a large number of spouses didn’t actually like each other, and he never wanted that for him and Tooru. Whenever he thought about marrying Tooru in a serious sense, he imagined doing everything in his power to make him feel loved every day. He adamantly rejected the idea that he would ever come to hate his (future) husband, so why was he acting like this now?

It has to be natural to get annoyed with your partner every now and then. His parents fought sometimes but it never looked like they weren’t in love. If you spend every moment of every day with the same person, you’re bound to get angry with them more than once. Hajime would never go as far as to say he’s “tired” of Tooru(he doesn’t think that will ever happen), but they’ll probably have to get used to bickering more than usual if they really want this relationship to be serious- which they do.

He knows he wants to be with Tooru, but sometimes when they’re fighting he forgets that. They break up a total of five times before the start of their third year, all of which were Hajime’s decision. None of them last very long, barely even half a week at most. But each time sticks out to the both of them nonetheless, widening the gap that was created between them even further.

The first time, of course, was the situation with the girl in Tooru’s history class. It lasted the longest because breaking up was a new concept to them then, and neither of them really knew how to handle it. Hajime still regrets the way he acted, even though Tooru has repeatedly told him he forgives him.

The second time was a bit of an accident. Hajime never meant to break things off mid-argument, but Tooru had really been getting on his nerves that day. He lied about his shoulder hurting just to get Hajime to carry his bag and went out of his way to critique him during practice just to get a rise out of him. The final straw happened when Tooru made a joking comment about Issei’s abs in the clubroom after practice and, well….by the time they got back to Tooru’s place to study, Hajime wasn’t in the best mood. Tooru continued to tease him while they were working on homework, which eventually resulted in a fight that ended in Hajime storming out and telling Tooru it was over.

Fortunately, Hajime realized how badly he’d overreacted as soon as he got home, and they talked things over at morning practice the next day. The breakup lasted less than twelve hours.

The third time they breakup it’s a little more intense. They had a big game coming up so Tooru was practicing more than usual, overworking himself to the point that he was falling asleep during class. Hajime tried to interfere, but he wasn’t budging this time. He opted to just do the best he could to make sure Tooru was still resting and to hope that this would all blow over after the game.

In the middle of all this, they had a date planned. It landed on a Sunday, meaning that they wouldn’t have practice. Due to Tooru’s sudden full schedule, they hadn’t found as much time to see each other as usual. Hajime had been looking forward to a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant with his boyfriend, but when the day rolled around he found himself sitting alone at a table for two with Tooru nowhere to be found. He waited for a full two hours, frantically glancing back at the door every now and then waiting for Tooru to walk in. When his mom asked him what happened that night, he couldn’t be bothered to come up with a response- because the only thing that happened was Tooru.

As expected, Tooru was overly apologetic the next day. He explained that he’d gotten caught up with extra practice and simply forgot, and swore up and down that he would make it up to him. Hajime was still hurt though, was sure that Tooru had never hurt him so badly as he did that night, and was having none of it. He broke things off for a solid two and a half days before begrudgingly agreeing to talk things out. They did end up going to another restaurant to make up for it, and Tooru spent the next month apologizing long after Hajime decided to forgive him.

Things still weren’t perfect after that, and it wasn’t long before their fourth breakup happened.

This time, Hajime can admit to being in the wrong. It was a really small thing, so small that Takahiro and Issei hardly believed it when they explained what happened. Tooru had spent the night at Hajime’s place for the weekend and the two of them were getting ready for a date. He’s not usually the type to rush, but Tooru was taking so long to get ready all because his stupid hair looking the way he liked it. As if Hajime cares about anything like that. They were running thirty minutes late to their reservations and had definitely already lost their table, and Hajime was beyond annoyed. He ended up telling Tooru to forget about the date and go home, which Tooru got reasonably upset about. Really, the only reason Hajime broke things off was so that he’d leave.

He regretted it almost immediately when he saw the way Tooru’s face dropped at the words. He left without saying anything, and it took every ounce of Hajime’s self-control not to follow him out. He had definitely overreacted, all Tooru did was try to look nice for him and how had Hajime repaid him? By kicking him out. Sure, they missed the reservation, but they could have gone somewhere else.

He called him and apologized that night but Tooru was still understandably upset. He gave him the silent treatment at school the next day, at which point Hajime started to panic. By the time they finished practice, Tooru decided he was bored of arguing and accepted Hajime’s apology. They were back together before they even started their walk home.

The fifth breakup is the one Hajime ended up being ultimately grateful for, because it served as the breaking point they didn't know they needed. It was nothing major, nothing grand or special, but it was somehow the most memorable one. In fact, the fifth time they break up, they don’t technically “break up” at all.

Tooru’s parents were going to be away for the week, so they were grocery shopping together. Such a domestic, mundane activity, but they chose the wrong night to go. It was loud and crowded and Tooru has never been a fan of tedious, noisy spaces. He says it makes his skin itch, like his head is clogged with cotton balls. Hajime doesn’t have the temper for them either, so by the time they’re standing in a long line waiting to check out, they’ve both passed the point of irritation.

They drive home in the car they borrowed from Hajime’s dad in silence, both still too agitated to talk. Hajime’s staying at Tooru’s for the night so he helps him put the groceries up when they get inside. He should have calmed down by now, but it’s late and he’s exhausted and he can’t help but notice the way Tooru makes him do over half the work. Normally he would just glare at him and let it slide, but he’s in a worse mood than usual tonight.

“Could you move any slower?” He criticizes.

Tooru freezes up like he’s been slapped. “Sorry, ‘m just tired.”

Hajime doesn’t miss the weird reaction, nor the way Tooru immediately takes over putting up the rest of the groceries. He shrugs it off for now though, deciding he’ll just ask him about it in the morning.

It’s late, so they head up to Tooru’s room as soon as they’re done with the groceries. The space is comfortably familiar, like a warm blanket enveloping Hajime after a long day. He wastes no time changing into a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and flopping down on the bed, burying his face into a pillow. It smells like Tooru, a scent that has become synonymous with home. When he looks back though, Tooru is standing uncomfortably by the door.

He looks at him, expectantly. “Well? I thought you were tired?”

Tooru only nods, eyes on the floor.

He makes his way over to the bed, laying down cautiously next to Hajime. He’s on edge, it’s impossible to ignore. Something’s on his mind, but he’s not going to say what until Hajime asks him. It’s a routine they’ve done countless times at this point.

“What’s wrong?”

Tooru doesn’t answer immediately, just stares up at the ceiling like he’s afraid to even open his mouth. He could be imagining it, but Hajime thinks he sees tears starting to form in his eyes. He instinctively shifts closer, rolling over onto his side so he can face his boyfriend.

Now, Hajime’s known Tooru long enough to know when he’s overreacting and when he’s genuinely upset about something. Right now, he’s clearly bothered by something but struggling to put it into words. It could be because Hajime was in a bad mood, or even because he was uncomfortable at the grocery store. Sensory overloads are no joke, and though Tooru doesn’t get them often, whenever he does he stays shaken up about it for a while. Usually he just needs something to focus on, like a fidget item or a volleyball. Sometimes even a song or a tv show can help ground him. That doesn’t seem to be the situation right now though.

“Are you going to break up with me?” The words come out small and strained, fear bleeding through.

Hajime’s eyes widened. “Why would I do that?”

“Because I was slow putting the groceries up. I made you do almost all the work, which really isn’t fair because you were the one who offered to help me in the first place when you didn’t have to.”

He shakes his head. “I would never break up with you for something like that.”

“That’s good to know.”

He’s still confused. Sure, he was annoyed, but he can’t recall showing any indication of being that mad. Why would Tooru….

The realization hits him like a truck. For almost a year, he’s broken up with Tooru over the slightest mistake. Granted, sometimes Tooru was in the wrong, but Hajime always chose to walk away before even trying to work things out. He was so afraid of being hurt, so scared that Tooru would leave him, that his first instinct was always to burn before he got burned. To hurt Tooru before he had the chance to hurt him. Tooru’s perfectionist complex has been at an alltime high lately, and Hajime is most definitely the one to blame for it.

Intelligence has never been Hajime’s most prominent characteristic, but he’s smart enough to know that Tooru is the love of his life. Not only does he want to stay by his side, but he never wants to hurt him in any way. He vowed when he was only nine years old to take care of Tooru, and he has worked hard to keep that vow ever since. Unfortunately, Hajime is still young, and he’s only human. He makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes have consequences that can’t be fixed overnight. But if the choice is between keeping his own feelings bottled up and opening up so he can be there for Tooru, he’ll choose Tooru every time. He knows that this won’t be an easy fix, whatever it is, but he’s not going to let himself be the cause of Tooru’s sadness ever again.

He sits up, reaching for Tooru’s hand over the blanket. Tooru immediately relaxes into the touch, which is somewhat relieving. He’s not sure he could stand it if his touch made Tooru nervous or heightened his discomfort in any way. He only ever wants Tooru to feel safe with him.

“How about we stop breaking up?”

Tooru blinks up at him like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean it?”

“Of course,” he plays with Tooru’s fingers. “I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately. You were right about us needing to communicate better.”

“When did I say that?”

“Well, maybe not word-for-word. But you sort of implied it that first time we broke things off.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, I guess I just….” he frowns. “I don’t know. Lately I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you. I’m worried I’ll do something wrong and mess things up and you’ll leave me for good next time.”

The words break something inside of Hajime. He didn’t quite realize how much he messed up until now, when the damage is clearly already done. Fuck, why does he have to be so careless? No, this isn’t about him. This is about Tooru, who is visibly shaken up right now.

Tooru’s usually so loud and confident, but Hajime knows very well that the slightest bit of criticism always goes to his head. He’s seen how stiff he is around his parents and his rivals, how terrified he is that he might one day wake up and find that everyone has grown bored of him. He hates that Tooru feels that way, and the fact that he has become the source of that feeling makes him feel sick. He’s Tooru’s boyfriend, he should only cause him to have good feelings.

He leans over the brunet, placing his arms beside his head and looking down at him with the softest expression he can muster.

“I love you,” he kisses his nose. “So much. And I am so sorry I made you feel that way. You are the most important thing to me, understand? I’m never going to let you go, so get that out of your head right now.”

Now Tooru’s definitely crying.

“I know,” he sniffles. “I’ve always tried to be perfect, but I’ve never had to do that with you. So when I suddenly had to, it felt like we lost something.”

“You don’t have to be perfect,” he kisses his hair this time. “Not for me, not for anyone. I love every part of you, even the flaws. I wouldn’t have you any other way because then you wouldn’t be you.”

It’s grossly cheesy, words that Tooru would make fun of him for any other day. He should be cringing at how he sounds right now, but he doesn’t care what he has to say as long as it makes Tooru feel better. He means it, anyway. It’s just that he’s not normally great at saying those things out loud, even when it’s all he thinks about some days. Tooru has a way of making all of his thoughts obnoxiously sappy(not that Hajime’s complaining).

Their lips meet and Hajime knows that they’ll be okay. It will take time, they’ve both left their fair share of scars on each other. But as long as they’re both willing to put in the effort, they can still work this out. Hajime is willing to take as much time as necessary to convince Tooru that he never plans on leaving him. It won’t be easy, and it will require him to work through a lot and address some things he might not like about himself, but Tooru is worth it.

“I’m going to marry you someday,” Tooru declares.

“I think that’s my line.”

“Well, it’s mine now.”

They learned the hard way that their fairytale of a relationship is not immune to bumps in the road, but every harsh lesson led them towards a solution. They realized pretty quickly that the first step was something they’d been doing their entire lives- to choose each other.

~

Their third year proves to be the strongest one for their relationship. Tooru is the best captain they could’ve asked for and Hajime is the team’s ace for a reason, together they become a force to be reckoned with both on and off the court.

They’re both dedicated to practice, but they make sure to make time for each other as well. “One date a week” is the rule Tooru set for them, and they do their best to stick to that. They alternate on who’s turn it is to plan date night each week, as opposed to their former routine where Tooru planned all of their dates. Much to the rest of the team’s dismay, they seem to be locked in an eternal honeymoon phase. Outside of practice, the two can often be seen holding hands or laughing in between kisses in the hallway. Yahaba especially never hesitates to voice his disgust with this.

Not that Tooru or Hajime care, their teammates' complaints only make them laugh. And through it all, they’ve never forgotten that they’re best friends before anything else. They still bicker and make fun of each other constantly, and Hajime won’t hesitate to launch a ball at Tooru’s head if he’s being a prick. If anything, their relationship only works to strengthen their dynamic on the court, so really their teammates should be grateful.

Tooru is dead set on going to nationals this year, and Hajime genuinely believes they can do it. He’s not exaggerating when he says Tooru is the greatest setter and captain he’s ever known, and that only inspires him to work harder in order to become an ace that Tooru can be equally as proud of.

They give their all to each other in everything, and that includes volleyball.

Well, almost everything.

See, Hajime loves kissing Tooru- he finds it addicting, even. He would kiss Tooru all day if the setter would let him. It’s not something he brags about, but they are teenagers; adults now, to be exact. They pined after each other for so long, so it’s only natural they would enjoy making out a lot. No complaints there, Hajime honestly can’t get enough of it.

Which is exactly the problem.

Hajime wants to do more than kiss Tooru, has wanted it ever since he first found out what kissing often leads to. He wants to make Tooru sweat, to kiss him all over and eat up every noise that comes out of his mouth. A deeper, more embarrassing part of him just wants to be closer to Tooru, to be as close to him as humanly possible. He wants to know Tooru from the inside out, to lose the most intangible part of himself to him.

For anyone else, this wouldn’t be considered a problem. In fact, most would agree it’s a perfectly normal thing to want. But Hajime knows Tooru better than anyone, he knows him well enough to know how Tooru pushes himself to the limit in order to make other people happy sometimes. He couldn’t live with himself if he asked Tooru to go further and Tooru only agreed to appease him. He wants Tooru to want it just as much, if not more, than he does. And he definitely doesn’t want to make Tooru uncomfortable or do anything he doesn’t want.

The solution? He’ll wait for Tooru to bring it up. They’re getting older, and they’ve been together for almost three years now, so it’s bound to happen soon. Sure, Tooru is always the first to put an end to all of their makeout sessions, but that doesn’t mean he’s opposed to the idea. In the meantime, Hajime can give him small hints by kissing his neck more often or flirting with him more frequently. There are ways to ask without outright asking.

He’s brought it up with Takahiro and Issei, who passed that milestone months ago, but both of them just tell him he needs to bring it up with Tooru.

“He’s not a mind-reader,” Issei had stated, plainly.

But they don’t know Tooru as well as Hajime does. He knows for a fact that if he were to even suggest that he wanted to go all the way, Tooru would get fixated on it and end up pushing himself. Hajime would genuinely rather Tooru slap him and call him a pervert than experience that outcome.

Then again….they did agree to communicate with each other. Maybe Hajime is only making things worse by keeping this to himself. When he breaks it down in his mind though, he realizes that the worst thing that could happen by not saying anything is that they might never have sex; whereas the worst-case-scenario for bringing it up is that he might end up unintentionally hurting Tooru. Really, it’s a no-brainer.

So he waits. Things go on just as they previously had, and Hajime ends up thinking about it a lot less than he expected to. He’s able to keep his thoughts from wondering in the middle of class or in the clubroom before practice when they’re getting dressed. Rationally, he knows those thoughts are completely normal- Tooru is his boyfriend, of course he’s going to think about him that way. Still, he can’t help but feel guilty whenever a less-than-innocent thought enters his mind about the brunet. One fleeting fantasy and suddenly he’s back at the beach as a child, listening to Tooru’s mother yell at his mother about how he got too close to her son in the water. Suddenly he can hear every straight guy he’s ever come out to telling him not to get a crush on them, can hear every question he’s ever received about how sex between two men works. As soon as his eyes are on Tooru, he can feel everyone else’s eyes on himself.

Fortunately, that also has an easy fix. He just tries to think about sex as little as possible. He does his best to keep his mind occupied with other things whenever those pesky fantasies about his boyfriend make their way into his mind, to tear his eyes away from the sweat that rolls down Tooru’s neck during practice. Hajime’s not an animal, he knows how to control himself. Come to think of it, he’s probably doing Tooru a favor by limiting the disrespectful thoughts. He doubts Tooru wants anyone perving on him like that. Okay, well, Tooru probably does want his boyfriend to think about him like that, but Hajime tries to ignore that possibility.

There are times, however- cursed, damned moments- when Hajime can’t keep his thoughts about Tooru to a minimum. Like at night, when he can’t help but twist and turn in his sheets until he finally caves in and shoves a shameful hand down his pants. Or in his dreams that have him waking up with a spoiled set of sheets to wash.

Most embarrassingly, he finds these thoughts running wild when he’s in Tooru’s bed. When his parents have left to run some errands and their homework is abandoned on the floor. The times when Tooru nearly throws himself at him, forcing his way into Hajime’s lap and kissing him until they both feel dizzy. Hajime used to be content to let Tooru take the lead, taking everything he’s given and never pushing; but he soon finds his hands wandering underneath Tooru’s shirt and pulling at his hair. Tooru never protests, instead making breathy noises into his mouth that encourage Hajime to flip their positions, shoving him down onto the mattress like he was born to fit there- like they were born to fit together. That’s when Tooru really starts whining, arms wrapping around Hajime’s shoulder to pull him as close as possible until-

“Can we stop?”

And that’s when Hajime jumps away from Tooru, scared that he might burn him if he doesn’t move quickly. Tooru always laughs and teasingly calls him a gentleman, which only makes Hajime feel worse. A “gentleman” wouldn’t have let things go too far in the first place. He doesn’t deserve the way Tooru loves him.

While Hajime’s been busy overthinking intimacy, apparently Tooru has been contemplating some things as well. He mentions to him one day after practice that he thinks they should come out to their parents, casually as though he were asking Hajime what he ate for lunch.

“Did I hear that correctly?”

“Close your mouth, Iwa-chan,” Tooru laughs. “You’ll catch flies.”

“I just didn’t expect you to say something like that,” he admits. “To be completely honest, I thought you were planning on staying closeted forever.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course I was planning on coming out at some point. I just didn’t think I would do it until after I graduated.”

“So why now?”

Tooru looks perplexed by this question, as though he isn't quite sure of the answer.

Hajime never really minded keeping their relationship on the down low. It was a hard thing to hide from his own parents, but he managed. Besides, it wasn’t like they were completely secretive- everyone at school knew. Hell, every volleyball team from Miyagi to Tokyo knew. News travels fast(alternatively- Kuroo Tetsuro doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut). Somehow though, neither of their parents had caught on yet. And Hajime was prepared to keep it that way until Tooru was comfortable enough to come out.

“I don’t know,” Tooru shrugs. “I guess I don’t really care what they think anymore.”

That makes sense. Tooru’s parents aren’t exactly horrible but his family situation is less than warm. But they’re getting older and Tooru will be moving away soon for college(something Hajime has been trying not to think about), so it’s only natural their opinions would start to matter less and less to him.

“Okay,” Hajime contemplates. “So how do you wanna do it?”

A grin stretches across Tooru’s face.

“Oh no, I know that look.”

“What look?”

“The look that means whatever your planning is going to end up being the main topic of discussion for my next therapy appointment.”

“You’re not in therapy.”

“It’s a miracle, considering I’m dating you.”

“You love that you’re dating me.”

“I do.”

He never bothers to lie to Tooru about that much, even if they’re just joking around. Part of it is because he never knows whether Tooru will overthink it and take it seriously if he says otherwise; but also he just loves to remind him of it every chance he gets. He doesn’t just love that he’s dating Tooru, he fucking adores it. It’s easily his favorite thing about his life right now, and he’ll be damned if he’s not going to brag about how happy he is.

The kiss on his cheek is enough to tell him it was the right answer.

“You’re so romantic,” Tooru teases. “Anyways, I think we should do it over dinner.”

Hajime tilts his head. “I don’t like where this is going.”

“You’ll love it,” he insists. “My parents were gonna invite your family over for dinner Friday night. My sister and her husband will be there too, it’s the perfect opportunity.”

Hajime is speechless. It’s no secret by now that Tooru’s parents aren’t the most open-minded people, he knows this won’t go over well. And that’s probably exactly why he chose to do it this way.

“You sure know how to make a scene.”

“That’s the plan!”

“Are you sure about this? If you want me to be with you when you tell them, we can still do it in a smaller setting.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” His eyes shine viciously. “If my dad’s gonna yell at me either way, might as well make it entertaining.”

“Will Takeru be there?”

“Duh.”

“Aren’t you worried it will be too tense for him?”

“Please,” he scoffs. “This is like a standard Tuesday in our family.”

There’s no lie in that. If the Oikawas have any redeeming quality, it’s their ability to be as dramatic as possible in any given situation. There’s never a dull day in that household, Hajime would be lying if he said he didn’t find it at least mildly hilarious.

As much as he resents them, they really have been like a second family to him. Not in a weird way, since he is dating their son, but in a “there are worse potential in-laws” way. He figures it’s only fitting that they tell both of their parents together, even if the manner in which they are choosing to do so is risky. The more he thinks about it, the more he starts to get excited about finally getting to tell his parents he’s been dating Tooru.

“I’m in.”

“Of course you are,” Tooru punches him lightly.

“I’ve never been able to deny you anything.”

“Wow, that’s actually kind of turning me on.”

He slaps a hand over Tooru’s mouth. “We’re still in the club room, bastard.”

“You guys are disgusting,” Yahaba calls from elsewhere.

Hajime flushes. He’d meant the comment to be teasing, a Princess Bride “as you wish” type of thing. Leave it to Tooru to make it weird.

They spend the rest of the week planning for Friday, getting input from Takahiro and Issei. Tooru insists that he has the “speech” part down, and that all Hajime needs to do is follow his lead. His vague attitude is alarming to say the least, but all Hajime can do about it is trust him and pray he doesn’t do anything insane. At this point, his own parents have most definitely caught onto the fact that he and Tooru are no longer friends. They teased him about their relationship a lot, and he obviously came out to them years ago. Tooru’s parents, on the other hand, were completely in denial, so this would be impacting him much more than it would Hajime. He didn’t mind letting Tooru take the reins on this one, just as long as he didn’t do anything too audacious. At one point, Tooru suggested they blast Lady Gaga after they come out to lighten the mood, and Hajime had shut it down immediately. As usual, Tooru took the lead, but he still needed the thumbs up from Hajime. Everything they did had a balance to it.

When the day finally comes, Hajime is on edge the entire walk to Tooru’s house. For once he wishes they lived farther, just so he could have more time to mentally prepare himself. His strange behavior does not go unnoticed by his parents, who give him concerning looks the entire way there.

“Hajime,” his father frowns. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” he adjusts the collar of his shirt. “Just tired from practice.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but he lets it slide. His father has always known not to press about certain things- a quality his mother often lacked. She wasn’t saying anything now though, so perhaps she was getting better about it.

When they arrive at the house, Tooru’s sister is the one who opens the door. Hajime is relieved to see her, having known her to be a lot more chill than Tooru’s parents.

“Long time no see,” she grins as she lets them in the house.

Oikawa Misaki has always treated Hajime like an extension of her little brother. She teased him the same way that Tooru did and liked to bully people for fun. She reminded him of Tooru in so many ways, but as she got older she began to drift away from them. Nowadays she was a more relaxed version of Tooru’s mom. She’d cut her hair short not long before she got married to Hayashi Takashi, who she eventually had Takeru with.

Tooru had been twelve years old when Takeru was born, and Hajime still remembers the excitement in his eyes when he was told he had become an uncle. It was the first time Hajime had seen Misaki and Takashi since the wedding, and he still regards that moment as being one of his happiest childhood memories. He hopes their presence tonight makes things a little easier.

“Misaki,” his mother smiles. “It’s so good so see you again.”

“Uncle Hajime!” Takeru exclaims from down the hall.

He is immediately tackled in a hug that nearly knocks him over, and he picks Takeru up with a laugh.

“You’ve gotten taller,” he remarks.

“You haven’t.”

Like uncle, like nephew.

“Ouch, how about you save some of that energy for your Uncle Tooru?”

“I can insult you both!” He says, confidently.

Yep, he definitely fits in with the rest of the family. Gotta have thick skin in this house. Hajime sets him down to move into the living room.

“C’mon,” he gestures. “Let’s go bully your uncle together.”

“He already said we were gonna bully you together though.”

“Did he?”

“I said nothing of the sort,” Tooru defends, stepping into frame.

Hajime’s breath catches in his throat when he sees him. It’s a silly reaction, considering he sees him every day. He kissed him goodbye two hours ago, and yet now he finds himself wanting to take Tooru into his arms and kiss him again. He wants to kiss him over and over until they’re both pleasantly out of breath, and then kiss him more. Maybe not in front of Takeru though.

“Yes you did,” Takeru pouts.

“When did I say that?” Tooru leans down to look at him.

“In the kitchen after you got here.”

“Oh, now I remember,” he makes a show of slapping his own forehead. “I did say that. Let’s bully Iwa-chan together.”

Tooru’s mother, Asami, turns around the corner to grip his arm. “Bully Hajime later, I need your help in the kitchen. Oh, hello Jien, Kazuya. It’s nice to see you both- you too, Hajime. Make yourselves at home.”

They make their way to the living room where Tooru’s father, Masaru, is sitting by himself on the sofa. Hajime’s blood chills at the sight of him- the man’s always made him uncomfortable. They never got along either, for some reason Masaru seemed to despise the sight of him. Not that he really cares anymore, but he used to find it offensive.

“Where is Takashi?” His mom asks.

“He’s helping mom in the kitchen,” Misaki explains.

“Shouldn’t you be doing that?” Masaru chimes in.

She wrinkles her nose. “What’s up your ass today?”

Hajime tries not to laugh, but his dad is less successful. Fortunately, Masaru doesn’t take it too seriously.

“Have a seat,” he says.

The five of them(Takeru left to join Tooru in the kitchen) sit around and wait in mild awkwardness for dinner to be ready. Hajime feels like he should be helping, but he somehow feels like if he moves even an inch Masaru’s glare will incinerate him. They catch up with Misaki, talking about her job and how Takeru’s doing in school. She asks Hajime about the team and listens with interest as he explains Tooru’s goal to make it to nationals this year. His parents talk about their business and Masaru gives a few comments about his own job. At some point in the conversation, Hajime forgets why he’s here.

It feels familiar to be catching up with these people, like replaying an old song he hasn’t listened to in ages but somehow still knows all the lyrics to. Nowadays he gets so caught up in Tooru that it’s easy to forget all that comes along with him. It’s weird, balancing a relationship that feels so new and exciting with a friendship that he knows like the back of his hand. Not unpleasant at all, but a little whiplash-y. He has to listen to Masaru talk about getting his car fixed knowing his tongue was down Tooru’s throat just yesterday which is….vaguely awkward, to say the least.

But he also helped Tooru dry his hair a few days ago, an old task with a new spin put on it. They shared an umbrella on their walk to school last Friday, and stayed up late that night watching Star Trek. Now he’s joining the Oikawas for a family dinner(familiar), preparing to enter uncharted territory. Some reactions won’t be good, they’ve both already accepted that. But this part, this casual chatter….it grounds him, helps him to relax before the main event.

When Asami calls to let them know the food is ready, any feeling of comfortability Hajime had previously established leaves his body. This is it, this is real, this is happening. They’re gonna tell their parents. He wishes he’d found time to triple-check with Tooru briefly before the meal, but it’s too late for that.

He takes a deep breath in and makes his way towards the dining room, trying to think of anything other than what’s about to happen. Freshly cut grass in the summertime, the funny movie he watched last week, the way Tooru’s nose wrinkles when he’s annoyed. Like in The Sound Of Music, he tries to mentally list as many of his favorite things as he can think. It’s a habit he’s had ever since he got his first shot when he was five years old.

Tooru is already sitting at the table when he gets to the dining room, Takeru on his left and an empty seat open for Hajime on his right. Asami is seated beside Takeru, Masaru at the head of the table, Misaki across from Asami, Takashi next to Misaki, then Hajime’s mother across from Tooru. The seat in front of Hajime is occupied by his father. He is silently grateful to be close to his parents, sitting farthest from Masaru and Asami. The glint in Tooru’s eyes as soon as he enters the room, however, does nothing to ease his nerves.

“The food looks amazing, Asami,” Hajime’s mother compliments.

“Yeah Mom,” Misaki adds. “You really went all out.”

Hajime could care less what the food tastes like right now but he mutters out a few words of gratitude anyway. He wants to keep everyone in a good mood in case things go worse than anticipated.

Tooru takes his hand under the table, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. It would normally be comforting, but now it just feels like a pat on the back after failing a test. He appreciates the gesture but it doesn’t help much.

It’s a mix of excitement and anxiety. He’s glad to finally get this out in the opening, but he’s also terrified of how Tooru’s parents will react. What makes matters worse is how normal everything feels. He is surrounded by people happily eating and chatting as if nothing is about to happen. Of course they don’t know, but that doesn’t change the fact that Hajime knows and it’s eating him alive. He’s torn between wanting to get it over with and wanting to put it off forever. No matter what, he still wants to go through with it(he would find some way to let Tooru know if he changed his mind), but he can’t help feeling nervous.

Their families continue to chatter amongst themselves, oblivious to the internal fear Hajime is currently grappling with. They go on about work and sports and the latest inconveniences they’re each facing in their day-to-day lives. The small talk flies over his head while they eat, and he does his best to nod along and pretend he’s listening. He can’t stop looking over at Tooru and wondering when he’s going to do it, how he’s going to do it. The thoughts eat him alive, distracting him so badly that he barely notices when Tooru finally does stand up.

Wait, what?

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he clears his throat.

“Oh my fucking god,” Hajime mutters.

His mother promptly kicks him underneath the table. “Language.”

“Sorry.”

Tooru clears his throat a second time, effectively silencing the table.

This is it, no going back now. This is the moment. Hajime takes a swig of his soda, hoping to drown in it. He doesn’t even know why he’s so nervous, he already came out to his parents. He tries to look anywhere but at Masaru.

“Hajime and I have an announcement to make.”

He considers telling Tooru not to drag him into this but then he remembers that he volunteered to be dragged into this. Inevitably, eyes are drawn to him from all around the table.

“Holy shit,” Misaki chokes. “I’ve been waiting for this.”

“No you haven’t,” Tooru snaps. “Let me make my announcement in peace please.”

“Takashi, you owe me twenty bucks.”

“Tooru, honey,” Asami speaks, voice shaking slightly. “What is this about?”

“Well,” he huffs. “If you would let me finish-”

“Sit down,” Masaru groans.

“Excuse me?”

“Sit down, we’re not doing this right now.”

They should have expected something like this. Hajime thought they would’ve at least let them get the words out first, but perhaps that was wishful thinking. He risks a glance at Tooru, noting the frozen expression on his face. He looks shaken- frightened, almost. The glass he had been holding for dramatic effect nearly slips from his hand. It’s not too late though, surely Tooru can think of something to cover it up before-

The frightened look on his face shifts into one of defiance and the hold on his glass tightens. Yep, they’re definitely still doing this. After all, if they don’t do it now they might never. Hajime feels a sense of pride at his boyfriend’s stubbornness.

“Hajime and I are together.”

Never in his life has Hajime heard a silence so loud. He doesn’t dare meet anyone’s eyes, not even his parents’. He’s sure if he were to look up, he would not find a single mouth shut. At least Tooru went ahead and ripped the bandage off, it’s out in the open and there’s nothing they can do about it now. There’s a sense of relief in knowing that the words have already been said.

Asami is the first to speak.

“Together as in….?”

“There’s not a lot of fucking ways I could have meant that,” Tooru laughs, harshly. “Together as in dating. We’ve been dating since our third year of junior high.”

Hajime inhales sharply at this, shifting at the soft murmurs around the table.

He’s been fortunate enough to not have to come out to anyone who he knew for certain wouldn’t be supportive, at least no one important to him. Not until this moment, and even now he knows Tooru must be a million times more freaked out than he is. He would never show it though, his pride is too strong for that. He stands tall, knowing that Hajime will be there to catch him when he falls.

“Hajime?”

The word comes, horrifically, from Masaru. It’s a command, a search for confirmation. He doesn’t want to give into it, but it would be impolite not to and he doesn’t want to do anything to worsen the situation.

“It’s true,” he nods stiffly, still not looking up. “We’re together.”

Tooru’s mother lets out a sob, one that has Hajime’s face twisting in disgust. He’s heard her make similar noises, when she spots a bug or sees a gory scene in a horror movie, but never like that. She sounds truly distraught, mortified, as though she can’t imagine a worse fate. Hajime feels tears in his eyes and quickly blinks them away. He doesn’t cry often, and he especially refuses to cry right now.

“How could you do this to me?” Asami cries.

“Do what?” Tooru shakes his head. “Mom, this isn’t about you.”

“You could at least try to be supportive,” Misaki scoffs.

“Keep your mouth shut,” she scolds. “I don’t need your input on this.”

“Asami,” Hajime’s mother says. “You’re overreacting.”

But when has that ever stopped any member of this family?

Finally, Hajime looks up. His parents are standing defensively beside them, his father’s eyes meeting his own. He avoids them quickly, looking over at Takashi, looking anxious next to a smug Misaki. Asami looks absolutely beside herself while Takeru looks like he doesn’t know whether to disassociate or laugh. And Masaru just has his head in his hands, looking five seconds away from bursting. To the untrained eye, Tooru would just look pissed off, but Hajime sees more than that. He sees years of repression and secrecy boiling into anger, defiance digging its way out of a grave that was built years ago.

“How are you okay with this?” Asami slams her hands down on the table, making Tooru and Misaki jolt. Neither of them were ever fond of loud noises.

Instinctively Hajime reaches out to lightly touch Tooru’s arm. Everyone turns to him again, making him freeze in his tracks before his fingertips can even graze Tooru’s sleeve. Even Masaru looks up.

He blinks, pulling back his hand and placing it firmly in his lap.

“I love my son,” his mom states simply. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”

“Yes, but,” Asami fumbled for words. “This is- this is insane! I mean I don’t even know what to say about this.”

They knew this would happen, there’s no point in acting surprised now. And, yet, there had still been a small part of Hajime that had hoped Tooru’s parents would prove them wrong. It was stupid of him, especially considering how well he knew these people. He knew them well enough to have expected their exact reactions, but he still can’t help but be hurt by it. He can only assume Tooru feels the same.

“I think we need a moment alone with our son,” Masaru suggests, causing everyone to jump slightly. “You all are welcome to stay until we’re done. Tooru, Asami, let’s go upstairs.”

Hajime watches helplessly as the three of them disappear from his field of vision, desperately willing Tooru to look back at him. To send some sign that he’s okay, that this is still alright. That Hajime didn’t do this to him, didn’t put him in this situation. Tooru doesn’t look back, and no sign comes.

He waits a few moments after they leave to excuse himself, ignoring the way his parents call after him when he rushes out of the dining room. He heads for the bathroom in the hallway near the kitchen, locking the door. Once he’s in there he nearly collapses, leaning over the sink and gripping the marble countertop so tightly it might break. He takes a series of deep breaths in quick succession, hoping it will help bring him back into himself. He mentally clocked out at the table and now that he’s back to reality, back in his own mind, everything feels overwhelming.

He did this to Tooru. He burned him, cursed him, damned him. Pulled him into this living Hell that Hajime has to exist in daily. Maybe Asami was right, maybe he did get too close to Tooru that day at the beach. Maybe he slept too close to him at sleepovers, tainted him without realizing. Now Tooru has to live with this.

A rational voice in his head tells him that isn’t true, that they were both born this way and that it’s a good thing. But he can’t find any good in this right now, not when Tooru is helpless and Hajime can’t do anything about it. It reminds him of the night they first played volleyball, when Tooru had ignorantly proclaimed that he was going to marry Hajime. How he’d stayed up that night, feeling so pathetically small.

Well, they won’t be getting married. Tooru is probably going to break up with him as soon as his parents bring him to his senses. He’ll realize that Hajime is weird and awful for infecting him the way that he did and then he’ll want nothing to do with him. He’ll go on to marry a nice woman and Hajime will die alone because he doesn’t deserve good things. He doesn’t deserve the way Tooru loves him.

Once again, he’s brought back to the same fear he’s faced many times before. He could deal with the breakup, could deal with Tooru marrying someone else; but the thought of losing Tooru as a friend? That shakes him to his very core, makes him lose sight of everything he is and has ever been.

He meets his own eyes in the mirror, shocked at how vulnerable he looks. His green eyes are lined with tears, and his square frame is shaking violently. He looks petrified, and it only makes the sickness in his stomach grow. He wants to throw up.

All those soft glances shared with Tooru before they could be open, the way their hands would intertwine on the walk home. Kisses exchanged before class, falling asleep in the safety of each other’s arms, associating Tooru with all good things….how could any of that have been a mistake? How could it be in his head when it felt so real to him? It was real, it had to be real. He was there for it, every last second of it. He lived it, experienced it, breathed it. He wants more of it, he doesn’t want it to end this way. He wants more memories with Tooru, the person who kissed his scars and made fun of his voice whenever he got drunk. He wants more late night conversations, wants the desperate way Tooru clings to his lips when no one is around. He’ll even take their worst days over not having Tooru at all.

He thinks of the way Asami cried, how Masaru was too angry to even speak and how Misaki didn’t even look like she cared. Were they truly so alone in this world that even the people they grew up around would treat them so harshly? Misaki used to lead them on walks in the forest, Asami used to take them to school. Masaru would share funny science facts with them to make them laugh, would even tuck them in at sleepovers sometimes. Hajime spent Christmases here, cuddled up in the living room with both of their families to watch Rudolf or Christmas Vacation. Asami made them hot chocolate while Hajime’s mother tried to coerce them into trying on the matching sweaters she bought them. Hajime shared his childhood with these people, shared his life with them. How could they turn on him so quickly? How could they treat their own son like that?

A knock on the door jolts him from his thoughts and he pulls away from the counter immediately, sniffling.

“Just a minute.”

“Hajime,” it’s his dad. “Can we please talk?”

He hesitates, but ultimately cannot bring himself to turn his father away. He’s always been there to comfort Hajime whenever horrible things happen, so why should this be any exception?

He opens the door, nearly crumbling at the sight of his dad’s sympathetic face.

They shut the door and his dad sinks down against it, gesturing for Hajime to sit across from him. He complies, hugging his knees to his chest.

His dad worked less than his mom, so they spent more time together. Ultimately, Hajime was still probably closer with his mom, but he loved them both dearly. He resembled his mom more with his eyes and hair, but now that he’s older the shape of his face starts to look more like his dad’s. Their personalities were also more similar, with the exception of Hajime’s tendency to anger outbursts(definitely more his mom). His dad liked to take him and Tooru to fun places when they were younger, like the museum or the aquarium. When Hajime came out to him, his immediate response was to ask him if he had a boyfriend.

“Tough crowd?” His dad says, giving him a crooked smile.

Hajime does not laugh, but he humors him with a hum. He leans his face against his knees like he used to do as a child, eyes tracing over the wallpaper beside them. He tries to focus on anything other than the present situation- other than the yelling that can be heard in the background.

His dad hears it too and he gives a concerned glance up at the ceiling before looking back at Hajime, eyes soft.

“I hope I’ve already told you this, but I love you no matter what.”

He hums again, still not ready to speak.

“Tooru’s parents are a little more complicated.”

He laughs this time, rough and somewhat hysterical. “I’ve noticed.”

“He’ll be okay though.”

“I know he will,” his voice comes out more defensive than he’d planned. “I’ll make sure of it.”

“You always do,” he smiles. “But make sure you take care of yourself too.”

“Tooru is more important.”

He doesn’t mean to say it, doesn’t even think twice about the words before they leave his mouth. Once they’re said though, he’s sure it’s a statement he can stand by. Of course Tooru’s safety is more important than his own, things have always been that way. He stands on the side of the road closest to the cars when they’re on the sidewalk; keeps check on the weather just in case it storms that night so he can invite Tooru over to his place because he knows he hates to be alone during thunderstorms. His entire life has been about putting Tooru’s needs before his own; that has never bothered him, it’s just the way things are.

His dad sighs. “I know there’s nothing I can say to change your mind about that. You know he thinks the same about you, right? You don’t notice it, but he looks out for you just as much as you look out for him. But you have to look out for yourself too. You’re tough, Hajime, I know you can do that.”

His mind blanks at the words, not fully able to process them. He notices everything about Tooru, surely he would know if Tooru was looking out for him. But then again, there have definitely been times when Tooru has done things that have gone over his head. It hurts his head to think about right now, so he files the thought away for another time.

“Promise me you’ll remember to take care of yourself?”

Hajime meets his eyes, slowly nodding. “I promise.”

He smiles, warmly. “Good. I’m sorry you had to go through all this. I’ll be sure to talk to Asami and Masaru later….we can talk more later too, if you want. Okay?”

He nods again, almost robotically. “Okay.”

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

There are millions of things he wants to talk about, problems too big for his own brain. Thoughts that haunt him in the middle of the night, irrational fears that refuse to fade. Words that are always on the tip of his tongue but refuse to move past his lips. He could say so many things right now, he’s been given an open opportunity. Right now is his chance to get anything and everything off his chest, to ask for advice that he’s craved his whole life.

He shakes his head. “No, I’m good.”

He’s not good.

“Are you sure?”

No.

“Yes.”

His dad frowns, but nods understandingly. “Okay, if you ever decide you do need someone to talk to, I’m here. I know we don’t usually do that sort of stuff but you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

It’s so much more complicated than that.

“I know. Thanks, Dad.”

Finally, his dad seems to have had enough. He awkwardly shifts to stand up, leaning over to ruffle Hajime’s hair as he does so.

“Don’t worry too much about it. I’ll talk to them.”

And with that, he’s gone. He shuts the door behind him, leaving Hajime alone in the bathroom again.

He’s not sure how much time passes while he sits there, contemplating everything that just happened. The shouting from upstairs has quietened down, leaving him semi-hopeful. Maybe Masaru and Asami weren’t as bad as he thought, maybe they were just shocked at first. It’s a hope that borders on stupidity, but Hajime can’t help but grasp onto it. He wants it to be true, wants this to all turn out to be some nightmare or a sick joke. Wanting never makes anything easier, but it helps him sleep at night.

The house is silent after what feels like roughly an hour. There are a few sounds of shuffling that can be heard from outside the bathroom door- people walking past in the hallway, or maybe going to the kitchen. He hears some people come down the steps, but he doesn’t open the door. He wants to stay here, safe and locked away from the world. He decides to wait here until Tooru finds him, like an old cardigan under his bed. A faded memory begging to be resurfaced just once. He needs Tooru to hold him, to chastise him for thinking so hard. He needs Tooru to tell him everything will be okay so that he can make it his duty to believe it.

Eventually, it’s not Tooru who finds him, but Masaru.

He jumps when the door swings open, staring up at the man in front of him with pure fear written over his face. He knows he looks pathetic, eyes wide and crouching on a bathroom floor. But the only thing that concerns him right now is what Masaru will say.

The man just looks at him, face tired and eyes filled with disgust.

“Tooru wants to see you. He’s in his room.”

The words take a minute to register but Hajime finds himself nodding in agreement before he realizes what he’s just heard.

Tooru wants to see him. Tooru asked for him. Tooru wants to talk to him. Tooru needs him.

He stands up so quickly it nearly makes him dizzy, moving clumsily past Masaru.

“Hajime?”

He freezes again at his name, not daring to look back.

“Keep the door open.”

Ah, right. Now that Tooru’s parents know they’re dating, they’re probably going to get more strict. His own parents never really cared about that stuff, they both knew what teenage boys got up to and respected it enough to know they wanted nothing to do with it. His mom avoided his room like the plague whenever he was alone in there with a male friend and….he doesn’t know why he’s thinking about this right now.

“Yes, sir.”

He makes his way up the steps he’s climbed thousands of times, like Prince Charming looking for Cinderella. He pushes all thoughts and concerns aside, trying to shake himself from the little episode he was just having. Right now, all he wants is to see Tooru.

He’s climbed these stairs with Tooru before, can recall the image of his back as he used to trail behind him. A back that grew as they got older, grew wider and stronger. In his mind, he can see the back of Tooru’s head; can see his face as he turns to smile back at him. He needs that smile right now, needs those eyes. Needs Tooru like oxygen, like a warm bed after a shitty day.

He barely makes it to the doorframe of Tooru’s room before a hand reaches out to yank him inside, slamming the door shut behind them.

There stands Tooru in all his glory. To Hajime’s relief, he doesn’t look hurt or sad. Just extremely irritated. His face is contorted into a scowl, hands crossed over his chest as he paces the room. The room itself doesn’t have much furniture other than the bed, a beanbag, and a desk with a computer. There’s several shelves lining the walls with various trophies and figurines, walls decorated with posters. He still has the nightlight from when they were children. It feels overwhelmingly homey, enveloping Hajime in a kind of warmth he only finds in Tooru.

“Your dad said not to close the door,” the words tumble out of Hajime’s mouth before he even realizes he’s speaking. He just wants to say something, to talk to Tooru. To do something to make him talk back.

“I genuinely could not give less of a fuck.”

“Are you okay?”

He wants to know what happened, and needs to hear Tooru talk. He needs confirmation that nothing terrible is happening.

“Me?” Tooru scoffs. “Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Those assholes though? They’re beside themselves. Don’t even know what to think about any of this. They’re absolutely convinced that this is just a phase. ‘A phase’, can you believe that? Can you fucking believe it, Hajime? The last three years of my life have just been one big phase. Fucking ridiculous.”

Hajime doesn’t say anything, just stands there shaking by the door as he watches Tooru. He doesn’t feel like he should be allowed to look at him, but if he’s already damned, what’s the harm? Art should be admired even when it’s stolen.

“Dad yelled at me, of course. Old bitch loves to make my ears bleed on a weekly basis. And don’t even get me started on my mom and her whining- god I can’t fucking stand it. They’re both so self-centered, they make everything about themselves-” he pauses then, as if realizing something. “I’m not like that, am I, Hajime?”

“What?” He shakes his head, frantic. “You’re not, how could you even compare yourself to them?”

“I am their son.”

“You’re nothing like them though. You care about people, and you listen to your teammates. You’re a leader, you’re not self-centered.”

“I can be both. Whatever, that’s not important. Are you okay?”

How can Tooru ask about him at a time like this? His parents just yelled at him and he’s thinking about Hajime. What he just went through is probably way worse than whatever Hajime is feeling, Tooru is the one who needs to be comforted right now.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not, shut up,” Tooru sighs, taking Hajime’s hands and leading him to sit down on the bed.

Tooru holds Hajime like he’s the most important thing in the world. He wraps his arms around him and lets Hajime rest his head on his shoulder and nothing has ever felt so good. Tooru’s arms are the safest, happiest place he’s ever known. Right now he holds him protectively, like he matters more to Tooru than anything else and that messes with his head a little bit. He lets himself hold Tooru back, lets a few tears slip from his eyes onto the blue cotton of Tooru’s shirt. The side of his face starts to feel wet and that’s when he realizes that Tooru is crying too.

“We’re both so messed up,” Hajime voices.

Tooru laughs. “Yeah. But we’ve got a whole lifetime to work all that shit out, right?”

He just holds him tighter, breathing in his scent like he’s trying to keep himself in the moment. He’s let his thoughts drift enough today, now he just wants to be with Tooru. Whenever he’s in Tooru’s arms, his worries seem small and insignificant. Here, he is loved and protected. He can be vulnerable, be afraid. He knows that Tooru will take care of him. They always take care of each other.

“What else did your parents say?”

“I’m fine, really. I’ve dealt with this my whole life, Iwa-chan, I knew this was coming. And I don’t regret it, not at all.”

There are some things he can’t protect Tooru from, Hajime knows this. He had to make peace with it years ago. That doesn’t mean he likes it, or that he won’t try to protect him from everything anyway. If Tooru is The Great King then Hajime will be his knight until the day they both die. Nothing could ever change that.

“You’re really shaken up now,” Tooru points out. “Do you want to talk about it?”

And because it’s Tooru, because he’s here and he’s safe, Hajime tries.

“I think this is my fault. I think I somehow ruined you, that you wouldn’t like men if I hadn’t somehow infected you. Believe me, I’m aware of how insane that sounds, but then I see the way that your parents look at me and I start to think that it might be true.”

Tooru holds him closer. “Oh, love. You haven’t ruined me yet, don’t get so ahead of yourself. And even if you had, you know that I would let you. I would gladly let you ruin me over and over again until you had your fill.”

“Why do you have to make it sound so dirty?”

“Because I’m trying to make you laugh,” he snorts. “C’mon, don’t I sound like an idiot talking about being ‘ruined’? Do you think Shakespeare would be impressed?”

“God, you’re stupid.”

“There’s my Iwa-chan.”

‘His Iwa-chan’. That’s all Hajime has ever wanted to be. Tooru’s best friend, Tooru’s boyfriend, Tooru’s partner, Tooru’s ace, Tooru’s husband, Tooru’s Iwa-chan, Tooru’s Hajime, Tooru’s everything, Tooru’s. Whatever label Tooru chooses to give him, Hajime will gladly accept.

“In my defense,” he continues. “You were the one who made it so poetic, talking about ruining me and all. You make me blush, Hajime.”

“And here I thought you were trying to be serious for once.”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” he shifts. “Not the time for jokes. I’m just trying to cheer you up. Is it working?”

“....Maybe.”

“See! I’m a genius. Anyways, don’t listen to my parents. They don’t get to have an opinion on you. I know that’s easier said than done, I never listen to them and they still bother me. But there’s nothing wrong with you and you definitely didn’t infect me. It’s not like you’re the only man I’ve ever been attracted to. I would like men whether I met you or not. You just helped me accept myself instead of repressing it- which is an amazing thing, Hajime. It’s part of why I love you.”

A few more tears slip out at that and Hajime holds him tighter. He makes everything sound so simple, breaks everything down so that existing becomes a little easier. He validates Hajime’s vulnerability while still letting him know that his worries have no truth to them. He listens to Hajime’s darkest thoughts and still tells him he loves him, that Hajime has had an impact on his life and who he is as a person. That Hajime shaped him in a way that was beautiful instead of harmful.

“You will never know how much you mean to me,” Hajime breathes.

“I think I have some idea,” Tooru grins. “On a lighter note, my parents will be gone this week on a business trip. They told me I’m grounded while they’re gone and that you’re not allowed to come over.”

The implication in Tooru’s voice is obvious, but Hajime still plays along.

“So?”

“So,” he pulls away slightly, meeting Hajime’s eyes. “Keep me company while they’re gone? I mean so much to you, afterall. You wouldn’t want me to get lonely, would you?”

Hajime’s mouth presses into a flat line, biting back a smile. “You’re so shitty sometimes.”

“Is that a yes?”

“What do you think?”

“You spoil me, Iwa-chan.”

He does, but he would never admit to it. Besides, they could probably use a week alone together after today. It would give them time to process and talk about everything, and maybe force them to actually address their issues instead of repressing them. It would be like a vacation at home, and Hajime’s parents definitely won’t say anything about it if Tooru’s parents ask.

They stay like that for a long time, wrapped in each other’s arms and trying to make light of what happened. The events of the meal must have exhausted him, because Hajime nearly falls asleep listening to Tooru complain about his dad. He just feels so worn out and Tooru’s chest is so incredibly comfortable….of course, Asami chooses that exact moment to barge in and tell them to keep the door open. Her and her son exchange some colorful language while Hajime makes up some excuse about having to use the bathroom.

Leaving Tooru’s house that day has to be in the Top Ten Most Awkward Experiences of Hajime’s house. The goodbyes are passive aggressive and Masaru makes it abundantly clear that he does not approve of Hajime’s relationship with his son. That statement, of course, makes Hajime’s parents defensive, which only makes Hajime rush them out the door faster. Tooru makes sure to visibly blow him a kiss right before shutting the front door, which has Hajime questioning his boyfriend’s self-preservation skills.

His parents spend the entire rest of the night, including the walk home, ranting on about how Tooru’s parents handled the situation; and declaring that they “have half a mind to go back there and show Masaru where he can shove his opinions”. They apologize to him on Masaru and Asami’s behalf, repeating that they love him and that they’re happy for him and Tooru. Hajime drowns most of it out, mind wandering to the week alone with Tooru he’s just been promised.

They’ve spent the night at each other’s houses home alone on multiple occasions, often stretching into weekends. But they’ve never had a house to themselves for a full week. It sounds obscene, but Hajime is quick to push those thoughts from his mind. They just went through a very tense situation, Tooru is probably at least mildly traumatized after that. The focus of this week should be about healing from that, confiding in one another and getting some much-needed romantic alone time. It sounds like paradise after what they just went through.

He spends the rest of the night reluctantly accepting comfort from his parents and watching as his group chat with Tooru, Takahiro and Issei(poorly named “No Direction” by Takahiro) blows up. Takahiro had chosen the name because of the time Tooru called them a “dysfunctional boyband”. When Hajime pointed out that they lacked a fifth member, Issei told him they would add one “once he started getting bitches”. Hajime kept his mouth shut about the name after that. Tonight of course, the chat is filled with a series of increasingly less funny remarks about Tooru’s parents. He texts with Tooru on the side to make sure he’s okay, knowing that his humor could very well be deflection right now. That conversation eventually ends in an argument about how many kissy-face emojis Tooru is allowed to use in a single text message.

Somehow, he manages to fall asleep peacefully that night.

He checks up on Tooru again that morning, still not convinced he’s as okay as he claims to be. Needless to say, Tooru makes it very clear that he doesn’t feel like getting into it. Hajime figures they’ll end up talking about it sometime this week so he doesn’t press.

His parents, on the other hand, refuse to shut up about what happened. He appreciates the support, he really does, but they’re acting as though they were the ones who came out. He doesn’t mention this though, instead allowing them to reassure him and complain about Tooru’s parents. Their reactions to the event are almost comical, Hajime doesn’t think he’s ever seen them this angry in his life. Predictably, they have no complaints when he tells them he intends to stay the week at Tooru’s.

They don’t see each other over the weekend(Masaru’s doing, probably), so Hajime uses the unoccupied time to relax. He catches up on homework assignments, starts two new shows, works on his setting, and texts with Issei. Thinking about the upcoming week, he also makes an embarrassing trip down to the convenience store to pick up a pack of condoms and lube just in case. The look the cashier gives him when he checks out will forever be in his nightmares.

He supposes he won’t need to pack much since they live in the same neighborhood, but he wants this to feel like a real vacation so he goes overboard anyways. He packs an outfit for every day as well as snacks and a few movies. The items he bought from the convenience store are stuffed at the bottom of his suitcase in a plastic bag.

Monday rolls around faster than he anticipated and, before he knows it, he’s walking home with Tooru after practice. He had dropped his bag off early that morning before they left for school, not wanting to have to make any extra stops on the way back. The day feels completely normal at first, the two of them bickering as if nothing happened. They don’t even joke about it, aside from the occasional comment from Takahiro or Issei. As soon as afternoon practice ends though, Tooru starts to get antsy.

It’s small things, things only Hajime would notice. The way he averts his eyes when they talk, and how he keeps messing with his hair. He laughs way too often but doesn’t dominate the conversation like he usually does. His face is also a little red, but that isn’t exactly unusual after a long practice. By the time they reach his front door, Tooru looks visibly nervous.

“Are you feeling alright?” Hajime questions.

“I’m fine, Iwa-chan,” he doesn’t meet his eyes when he says it. “I just need to shower, that’s all.”

A flimsy excuse at best, but Hajime decides not to comment on it. If Tooru is worried about something, they’ll talk about it when he’s ready.

“I’ll take the downstairs one,” he offers.

“Sure,” Tooru agrees.

He doesn’t waste time grabbing his things and showering once they get in the house. He’s used both of Tooru’s showers countless times, so it feels natural by now. The shampoo in the downstairs one is apple-scented and the soap has a forest-like smell to it. He washes up quickly, not wanting to leave Tooru waiting, and throws on a blue t-shirt and gray sweatpants. He doesn’t bother blow drying his hair, instead choosing to run a towel over it until water is no longer dripping down his neck.

When he goes upstairs, he hears that Tooru is still in the shower. He’s always taking extra time when it comes to things like that, so Hajime just gives an affectionate “hmph” and makes himself comfortable in Tooru’s desk chair, turning on the television. He tries to get invested in the first weird sitcom that comes on, doing his best not to think about the way Tooru acted earlier.

He fails.

What could have been bothering him? It didn’t seem like something upsetting or traumatic, so it probably wasn’t related to last Friday. It probably wasn’t anything Hajime or someone else said either. No, Tooru didn’t appear to be bottling anything like that up. If anything, Tooru had seemed….flustered.

He shakes his head, shoving the thought away immediately.

Against his will, his own heart rate skyrockets when he hears the water shut off.

Stop reading into things, you don’t want to make Tooru uncomfortable. He’s already been through so much, the last thing he needs is for his boyfriend to start perving on him.

Within minutes, Tooru appears in the doorframe wearing a green t-shirt and boxers. He still looks nervous, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Don’t think about kissing that look off of his face

“What’re you watching?” He asks, aiming for casual and missing by a mile.

Hajime shrugs, stiffly. “This was already on.”

Tooru nods, awkwardly sitting down on his bed. He leaves enough space for two, but Hajime purposely ignores the invitation.

The atmosphere is tense. Neither of them make eye-contact, but they keep glancing at each other every so often. Hajime swears he sees Tooru bite his lip at one point. What is going on? The room feels too hot and the air is tight, waiting to strangle him if he breathes wrong. He can’t sit still but he also can’t move; he feels as though he’s being watched, like one wrong move might break something.

“Hajime?”

Shit.

“Yeah?”

Tooru shifts. “Can you come here?”

Hesitantly, Hajime rises, slowly moving to sit beside Tooru on the bed. They still can’t quite meet each other’s eyes. He notices, distantly, that Tooru closed the door.

“Um,” they start at the same time.

Tooru laughs. “You go first.”

“No,” he says. “I don’t know what I was going to say.”

“Then why’d you speak?”

“Just spit it out.”

He breathes. “I think you already know what I’m going to say.”

Fuck. Of course Tooru manages to act confident even right now. With anyone else, Hajime would be so confused right now, but they know each other too well. This is completely uncharted territory, but somehow, Hajime knew what was up the second something shifted on their walk home. They can’t even hide their own thoughts from each other.

What he doesn’t understand though, is where this is coming from. The reason he didn’t bring it up sooner is because he was so sure Tooru wanted to take things slow. Things have been getting sort of heated between them behind closed doors lately, so he supposes it isn’t completely out of the blue. In fact, it feels like things have been leading up to this for a while now. This somehow still feels very soon, very fast- but in a way that makes it feel more exciting. However, Tooru going from too flustered to even look him in the eyes, to teasing him about it….wll, Hajime can’t let him have all the fun.

“I do know,” he grins, fighting back the nerves. “But I still want to hear you say it.”

Tooru gulps.

Checkmate.

“C’mon, Iwa-chan,” he laughs, nervously. “That was so lame. Which bad porno did you pull that one from?”

“It worked though.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

“If you don’t have anything to say, we can just keep watching tv.”

Tooru’s eyes widen. “Damn, Hajime. Are you getting off on this?”

The words feel like whiplash, and he manages to meet Tooru’s eyes for the first time since practice. He didn’t expect this to be perfect by any means, he had read numerous articles about how the first time is alway awkward. Still, he didn’t anticipate things to feel so uncoordinated.

“What?”

It’s Tooru’s turn to grin now. “You know, teasing me. Pushing me around a little. Is that what gets you going? I should’ve known.”

“No!” He sputters. “I would never- that wasn’t what I was going for.”

It’s an honest response. Sure, he’s found the idea of putting Tooru in his place appealing on occasion, usually on days where their bickering is heavier than usual. When he thought about actually having sex with Tooru, he thought about worshipping every last part of him. More often than not, he didn’t even see himself as the one calling the shots.

“Really?’ Tooru teases. “Because you’re being really bossy right now.”

He grits his teeth. “Stop trying to change the subject.”

“Or what? You’ll spank me?”

“You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you?”

He doesn’t expect it when Tooru bursts out laughing, falling back onto the bed and clutching his stomach. Hajime’s face reddens, but he can never stay mad when Tooru does cute shit like that. He looks heavenly right now in the most humane sense possible, and Hajime has to bite back a smile at the sight.

“Oh my god,” Tooru gasps. “How are we gonna take this seriously?”

“Should we wait until the mood is right?”

“No, I still want you to fuck me.”

Hajime gapes. “You want me to top?”

Tooru meets his eyes again, laughter dying down. There’s a peaceful expression on his face, one full of trust and adoration. If Hajime blushes any deeper, his face might never return to its natural color.

“Yeah,” he says, honestly. “I think if I did it the first time I’d get too nervous and end up overthinking everything. Plus I thought you might enjoy it more.”

“I don’t know which I’d enjoy more.”

This is the one area he’s not picky in. Having Tooru in any way sounds like indescribable bliss to him, he couldn’t care less how they do it. But if Tooru wants him to take care of him- trusts him to do so….well, Hajime can’t imagine a greater honor than that.

“That’s okay,” Tooru smiles. “Because it’s my turn next time anyway.”

“You’re already planning a next time?”

“No, I thought we’d only have sex one time in our entire lives.”

Hajime glares at him. “I don’t have any idea what I’m doing, by the way.”

“Neither do I! We can figure it out together.”

He’s lucky his excitement is overpowering his nerves right now, because otherwise he isn’t sure he’d be able to move. His heart is racing, but there’s a buzz running through his body, pushing at the tips of his fingers commanding him to touch Tooru take him apart kiss him fuck him love him

No, he can’t get too caught up in his own head right now. Tooru is trusting him to take control this first time, and Hajime would never forgive himself if he broke that trust. Nothing in the world matters as much to him as Tooru, making him feel safe and loved should be his top priority. Lust and respect are not mutually exclusive, and he wants to make sure Tooru feels how much he means to him with every touch. First things first though-

“Are you sure you want to do this? There’s no rush.”

Tooru smiles. “I wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t ready.”

“We don’t have to go all the way tonight.”

“But I want to,” his eyes falter. “If that’s okay with you.”

“It’s more than okay.”

A few years ago, he probably would have tried to push himself too hard just for Tooru’s sake. They both would have, honestly. It’s part of why they subconsciously agreed to wait. Neither of them are perfect, but they have grown up a bit in the past few years. They still deal with insecurities, that much may never go away; but they’ve grown up enough to know to respect their own boundaries as well as each other’s. All the makeout sessions definitely helped to improve their communication skills, which Hajime is grateful for now. This part is familiar, asking each other what they’re okay with. It adds a feeling of safety and comfortability to the whole thing, helps them both relax a bit.

“You can tell me to stop at any point,” Hajime clarifies, for emphasis.

“Likewise.”

Oh fuck what do they do know

It seems like Tooru is waiting for him to make the first move, which is unusual. He really wasn’t joking when he asked Hajime to take the lead this time. Unfortunately, as much as Hajime is used to “taking control”, he’s never really initiated something like this. It’s not that he’s unenthusiastic, he just usually trusts Tooru to let him know when he needs that sort of attention. He’s usually more upfront about these things, so Hajime never really felt the need to-

As if he can read his mind, Tooru reaches over to kiss him.

And this- yeah, this is definitely familiar. Pulling Tooru into his lap and letting them grind against each other while languidly making out. They’ve done this countless times, nothing new, nothing scary. It feels comfortable, like everything else about Tooru. No need to rush things, they can take all night if they want. The main goal here is for them both to enjoy themselves; to enjoy each other.

Hajime intends to do just that, hand reaching out almost absentmindedly to brush Tooru’s side. He moves it up underneath his shirt, fingers tracing up and down. The brunet’s mouth falls open slightly at that, making a small noise against his lips.

He wants to hear more of that.

Tooru’s skin is a good mix of soft and firm; delicate from the amount of skin products he uses but hardened from years of volleyball. He’s like a dream, so blindingly perfect with handmade flaws that Hajime can find comfort in. Hajime does not like to consider himself a superficial person, and he would love Tooru no matter what he looked like, but he can’t help but appreciate his boyfriend’s beauty. Soft brown eyes like pools of chocolate and dusty pink cheeks that Hajime could kiss all day. Most people would look at him and assume he belongs in a museum; a brilliantly crafted sculpture of a Zeus meant to be eternalized and marveled at for generations. Hajime understands this sentiment, really, but he will always view Tooru as something more personal. A crumpled up photo to keep in his wallet, a picture in a locket to wear around his neck. Tooru is a galaxy of stars no doubt, but Hajime finds him more in a jar of fireflies.

Hajime’s soft touch becomes more insistent as he grips at Tooru’s side, pulling him closer. He doesn’t mean to move so fast, but he’s tired of skirting around things. Gently, he pushes Tooru back onto the bed and crawls over him. Tooru looks up at him, equal parts paralyzed and turned on. “Paralyzed” probably isn’t the goal here, so Hajime makes sure to be gentle when he caresses the side of Tooru’s face, eyes softening.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” he sounds a little breathless already, but Hajime isn’t much better.

He keeps going with the kisses, this time moving down the side of his face. He kisses along Tooru’s cheek, his jaw, all the way down to his neck where he spends more time. Tooru bruises easily, so he doesn’t bite down, but the thought is still there. He moves entirely on instinct, trying to push away the knowledge that he still has no clue what he’s doing. The ultimate purpose of this is to feel good, so as long as they’re both happy they can’t be doing too bad.

Just then, an idea pops into his head. It’s cheesy, but persistent. He reaches for Tooru’s hand, pulling it off of his shoulder and intertwining their fingers, pressing it back against his pillow.

“You’re so sappy,” Tooru giggles, pulling him closer with his free arm.

“You love it.”

“I do.”

Undressing is still somewhat uncharted territory. He’s seen Tooru naked countless times, but never in this context. He’s certainly never undressed Tooru himself, or vice versa. The most they’ve done is put their hands up each other’s shirts. When his kisses move down to Tooru’s collarbone, he hesitantly pulls away to ask for the okay to take his shirt off. Tooru agrees sort of smugly, and they both pull away to get rid of their shirts.

His lips are on Tooru again in an instant, this time with much less restraint. Tooru’s noises are becoming louder, and he has one hand threaded through Hajime’s hair to keep him close.

Who’s bossy now?

A new thought occurs to him then, one he was well-aware of before they started this but never thought much of.

He’s about to take Tooru’s virginity. Hajime doesn’t live under a rock, he’s aware that that is a really big deal to a lot of people. Somehow though, thinking about it in those terms makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to view this as him taking anything from Tooru, or as Tooru taking anything from him. Even the thought of them giving something away to each other is unsettling. This should be fun, and mutually enjoyable; an experience unplagued by something as convoluted as purity.

No, they’re not losing anything to each other. But, perhaps, they are stealing something. Nothing intangible, and nothing from each other. Instead, they are stealing a moment. A fleeting peek at paradise that no one else but them gets to see. Right now, they don’t have to worry about what Tooru’s parents think or what kids at school might say. They can just be together and enjoy it, without any regard for any weird stipulations surrounding what they’re doing.

Caught red-handed in the middle of a theft

They won’t lose anything from this. Tooru is everything Hajime knows, there is nothing he can lose to him. But they might gain a lot, a deeper trust and understanding of one another. For so long, he was terrified of burning Tooru. Now he will incinerate him; light him on fire in a way that will have him screaming for more.

The next part is, of course, even more unfamiliar. He remembers when he and Tooru used to measure their dicks- a gross, immature thing that he doesn’t want to think about right now. Still, the memory makes him laugh as he thinks about how drastically different that was from now.

“What are you laughing at?” Tooru demands. “You’ve seen it before.”

“I’ll tell you later,” he snorts.

The way Tooru completely falls apart when he touches him is something Hajime doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to. He makes so many addictive noises that Hajime can’t help but encourage by leaning in to whisper sweet nothing in his ear. Telling him how good he is, how absolutely perfect he is for Hajime. He’s glad he thought to do that because it appears to be a weak spot for Tooru, making him throw his head back and yell at him to hurry up.

The brief moment of smugness Hajime gets to feel is short-lived when Tooru makes fun of him for bringing lube and condoms. He tries to point out that Tooru bought some as well, but then Tooru starts insisting that he bought them because he had a plan, Hajime was just being hopeful. That, of course, gets them distracted with the argument for roughly three minutes before they remember they’re supposed to be having sex right now.

Hajime can’t bring himself to care. They’ve always done the whole relationship thing in their own way. They try to be perfect about it, but at the end of the day their friendship comes first and nothing will ever change that. Tooru is going to tease him about how sappy he is and Hajime is going to affectionately bully him every chance he gets. That’s just the way things are with them. Despite this, they’re both way more romantic than either of them are willing to admit. They make sure to keep holding hands even as Hajime starts the prep process, smiling lovingly at each other despite the mild awkwardness.

Things are getting progressively less familiar, but Tooru helps walk him through the foreign feeling. As long as he’s doing it with Tooru and they take things slowly, Hajime is sure he’ll be okay. It’s definitely weird at first, but not at all unenjoyable. Well, okay, some parts of it are definitely less glamorous. They’re both sweating way too much to be sexy, and the lube gets everywhere. Somehow, Hajime didn’t expect things to get so….wet but not in the idealized way he expected it to be. It’s not bad, just a little awkward; and he cringes at the thought of having to clean this all up afterwards.

When they’re both finally ready to get to the main event, Hajime’s nerves sky rocket. This is it, this is what they’ve been building up to. What if he hurts Tooru? What if he’s bad at it and Tooru doesn’t enjoy it? What if the condom rips? There are so many ways this could go badly and he wishes there were a way to prevent all of them and make sure this goes perfect but he can’t and Tooru trusted him to be on top of things.

“Hey,” Tooru says, softly. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s been lovely as it is, you don’t need to push yourself. There are plenty of other ways we can get each other off that don’t involve….that.”

Hajime shakes his head. “I want to, I think I just need a minute.”

“Okay,” he squeezes his hand. “Whenever you’re ready.”

He knows he could ask to stop right now and Tooru wouldn’t be disappointed in him. In fact, he would probably be proud of him for communicating. They could do something else and save this for another time. He knows all of that, but he wants this just as badly as Tooru does; is undoubtedly ready for it. But he would hate to get caught up in his own thoughts and end up freaking himself out, so it’s best to take a minute to catch his breath.

Tooru looks so pretty like this, spread out and waiting for him. He’s sure Tooru would let him take a picture if he asked, but that can wait for another time. Some things are meant to be enjoyed in the moment, and this is one of them. Tooru’s normally perfect hair messed up, his face flushed, sweat glistening on his chest, pink lips parted….

“I’m ready,” he announces.

“Me too,” Tooru agrees.

Slipping inside of Tooru is a heavenly experience. Hajime could worship at the altar of his hips all day, encouraged by the way Tooru squirms around him. His whole life, he has been addicted to being close to Tooru. Constantly holding his hand or standing as close to him as possible. He never quite understood that need, all he knew is that Tooru made him comfortable so he wanted as much of Tooru as he could have. Now, he feels that need in a far deeper and much more primal way than he ever has before. It feels addicting and purposeful, like they were made to fit each other.

And Tooru- god, Tooru- looks like perfection personified right now. With his head tipped back, mouth hanging open with little ah ah ah sounds spilling from his lips. Hajime immediately lunges forward to kiss him, swallowing up those sounds before Tooru drives him insane. He makes sure to keep the hand that isn’t on Tooru’s hip tightly clasped within his hand. It anchors the both of them, makes them feel connected in a way that’s oddly more meaningful than this. When Hajime pulls away to speak, the words come out before he can even process what he’s saying.

“I am going to marry you someday.”

It’s their thing now, some ridiculous promise they’ve been making to each other since they were children. But Hajime has never meant it as truly and as honestly as he means it now. He says it like it’s a promise, an irrefutable fact that both of them have to accept. Looking down at Tooru, feeling him everywhere, Hajime has never been so sure of anything in his life.

Tooru smiles at the words, eyes cloudy. “I love you too, Iwa-chan.”

The glamor of the situation fades away approximately sixteen seconds after they both finish and simultaneously realize how gross they are. Hajime cringes as he pulls out, tying the condom off and throwing it away. He makes sure to hide it in the trash just in case Tooru’s parents return and happen to look in his room before he takes the trash out. He spares a glance back at Tooru, who looks blissed out on his bed, chest gleaming with sweat and other fluids. They’ll need to shower again.

He moves to pick his clothes off the floor but Tooru pulls him back down on the bed.

“Get off of me,” Hajime snaps. “You’re disgusting.”

“You are too,” Tooru snickers.

“We should shower.”

“God, Hajime, give me like ten minutes. You’re not the one who just had your ass pounded.”

He grimaces at Tooru’s choice of words. “I’ll carry you.”

The brunet perks up. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“You’re so sweet to me, Iwa-chan.”

Once they make it to the upstairs bathroom, Hajime ponders whether or not it’s weird that they’re not going for a second round. He supposes most couples would, but they’ve bathed and showered together so many times that Hajime could never consider something like this sexual. He’s too busy swatting Tooru’s hands away as he tries to rub soap in his eye to consider fucking him again.

Still, despite the familiarity of the ritual, there is something undoubtedly new about it. They wash each other’s hair and laugh at nothing, pressing kisses to each other’s shoulders. When they dry off, Tooru tries to hit him with his towel. It makes something swell in Hajime’s heart. Tooru has always had a way of turning him into a puddle of smitten without even meaning to. Hajime hopes he never stops doing that.

They’re still laughing as they change the sheets, and as they curl against one another to fall asleep. Hajime plays with Tooru’s damp hair and breathes in the scent of his shampoo, trying to focus on that instead of the unpleasant smell of sex that they can’t seem ot get out of the air. Everything feels so calm, so comfortable that Hajime can hardly believe what they were doing only a few minutes ago. He hopes he gets at least a thousand more nights that go exactly like this one in the future. He wants all of it- the passionate nights spent moaning each other’s names, and the softer ones where they just enjoy each other’s company and watch television. It doesn’t really matter what they’re doing as long as they’re doing it together.

“Hajime?” Tooru laughs against his collarbone.

“Yeah?” Hajime can’t see his own face, but he’s sure the smile he has right now looks ridiculous.

“I love you.”

“I’m glad,” he chuckles. “I love you too.”

That night, Hajime sleeps better than he has in years.

~

The rest of the week is spent in a similar honeymoon phase. Takahiro and Issei grill them about it the next day at school, much to Hajime’s mortification. Of course Tooru appears to feel no shame about it, which makes him feel slightly better. He may or may not have bragged about it a bit during lunch(who could blame him if he did? He’s proud that his boyfriend wants to sleep with him).

When they get home from afternoon practice, Tooru follows through on his promise to make things even. Hajime is pleasantly surprised to learn that taking it up the ass isn’t nearly as painful as people exaggerate it to be, but he still feels a little sore afterwards. Fortunately, Tooru is there to cuddle him and put on a movie until he feels like walking again.

School and practice takes up a good portion of their schedule but they still find time to schedule dates among other…. activities. Hajime makes sure they both get actual meals instead of just junk food- they are athletes, afterall. Like always, Tooru drags Hajime into doing extra practice with him and Hajime obliges with only minimal complaining. The week ends up feeling so casual that it becomes domestic in the plainest, most simplistic sense.

However, a dark cloud still looms over them. As the week draws closer to its end, Tooru seems to become more on edge. Hajime does his best to distract him but he knows they’ll have to address it at some point. They’ve left the elephant in the room for quite some time now, and it’s only a matter of time before one of them points it out.

When that time comes, it’s Tooru who brings it up.

They’re in the kitchen on Friday night, digging through individual containers of ice cream. Tooru is eating blue moon and Hajime’s is mint chocolate chip. He sits on the counter across from the brunet, who leans against the sink. Just from looking at him, Hajime can tell he has something on his mind. It bothers him, crawls underneath his skin with the urge to say something. But Hajime doesn’t speak, he has learned by now that Tooru doesn’t like to be pressed about these things. No, he always knew that; now though, he has learned to respect it.

“So,” Tooru says, finally. “We should probably talk about what happened.”

“A lot of stuff has happened this week, babe,” Hajime plays dumb, trying to lighten the mood. “Which thing are we talking about?”

“The dinner,” he deadpans. “With our parents.”

“Oh,” he lets the metal spoon rest against the paper container of his ice cream. “I’ve been wondering when you would bring that up.”

Tooru sighs, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Look, I don’t wanna make a big deal out of it, okay? What happened was messed up, but I didn’t expect anything less.”

Hajime pauses, mulling over the words. “Okay. Talk about that then.”

The brunet blinks and Hajime almost feels bad for the words, but he knows they were necessary. Tooru’s problems with his family go way beyond what happened last week. It’s a whole compartment of luggage to unpack.

Tooru takes a shuddery breath in, steadying himself. “My family don’t really like each other. We love each other because we’re a family and that’s what families are supposed to do, but we don’t like each other. Your parents would probably like you even if you weren’t their son, but I’m pretty sure my parents would hate me if they didn’t have to love me.”

He doesn’t argue with this, doesn’t try to insist that it’s not true. He knows that’s not what Tooru needs right now, that having his feelings invalidated would only hurt him worse. He wants to ease Tooru into this, to let him talk about things at his own pace. As tragic as it is, Tooru is right anyways. Hajime knows Tooru’s family, knows his parents, and he has never once gotten the impression that they like each other.

“I don’t want it to bother me but it does,” Tooru shakes his head. “I don’t want to be like them, but I am. My dad is kind of a misogynistic dick if you haven’t noticed, and I used to make fun of him for that with my sister. But as I’ve gotten older- I dunno, sometimes I say things and I realize it sounds just like him. And I don’t want to be like that, but it’s like a part of my brain still wants to impress him so I say things he would be proud of even when he’s not there. It’s shitty and I’m trying to stop it but I can’t help it sometimes, y’know?”

Unfortunately, Hajime does know. His own mother had always been the strongest person in his life, so he grew up learning to respect women. As soon as they hit middle school, he realized that Tooru had not been taught that same sentiment. Knowing his dad, it made more sense than he would like to admit. Practicing in close proximity to the Aoba Johsai Girls Volleyball Team had helped improve this behavior, but it had still been a process. Hearing him address it at least provides Hajime with some hope.

“It could be my mom too,” he admits. “God, I hate that woman. She’s so manipulative and controlling and she nitpicks everything. Growing up, it was like I could never do anything right. Nothing I did ever made her proud of me. My dad yells at me hard enough to make my ears ring sometimes and she just stands there frowning at me, like I’m the problem. Neither of them want me to go away for college, they think if I continue to pursue volleyball I’ll just end up unemployed someday. They have no faith in me, it’s sick.”

At that, Hajime moves. He crosses the kitchen floor to pull Tooru into his arms. Tooru leans down slightly to rest his head on Hajime’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist to pull him closer.

“I didn’t think they’d want anything to do with me after I came out,” Tooru confesses. “So when they didn’t kick me out, I considered that an accomplishment. I buried everything else hoping the pain of their rejection would go away eventually- that I didn’t need them anymore. I hate them, Hajime, I really do. But they’re still my parents and in some ways, I still need them. I still want them to like me, but after last week they can’t even stand to look at me.”

“You don’t deserve any of that,” Hajime says. “You deserve parents who love and accept you- parents who like you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with them.”

He doesn’t know what else to say, so he hopes the words sink in. He wants Tooru to know that he means them, even if they sound simple. He wants to wrap Tooru in the affirmation, to sing him to sleep with words of comfort. He wants to see Tooru smile, to make him feel okay even if things are terrible. He wants Tooru to look at him and want to drown in his praise, to let Hajime hold him together when he’s falling apart. Everything about Tooru has always felt so comforting to Hajime. He has a habit of putting him on a pedestal, but he’s trying to work through that. Tooru is no god, he’s Hajime’s best friend. Hajime hopes that, when Tooru looks at him, he feels comforted too. That Tooru looks at him and sees his best friend.

“I’ll be okay,” Tooru sniffles. “They’ll get over it, or they won’t. I’m moving soon anyway.”

“Right. Things won’t be like this forever.”

“You’re going to marry me someday,” he smiles, bittersweet.

Hajime takes his hand. “Yes, I am.”

“Good, get a nice job and pay for my therapy then.”

Hajime huffs a laugh. “If you’re going pro, shouldn’t you be able to pay for your own therapy?”

“You’re not supposed to argue with my husband.”

“Absurd, I can’t imagine a life where I don’t get to argue with you.”

“Fine then, we’ll make an exception. But only over petty things, I don’t want you to yell at me.”

“I won’t.”

“We also have to keep having date nights. And you have to kiss me every time I win a game.”

“I’ll kiss you even if you lose.”

Tooru straightens up then, looking down at him. Hajime has always secretly loved their height difference, the cute way Tooru tilts his face to meet his eyes. Tooru kisses him then, leaning down a few inches to connect their lips. They’ve kissed a million times by now, but Hajime never fails to feel sparks each time. He doesn’t think there will ever come a day when Tooru’s lips don’t make his head spin. He thinks about those lips against his, on the top of his head, between his thighs, behind his shoulder, on the tips of his fingers. Every kiss Tooru has ever given him is filled with unconditional love.

Tooru grins down at him when they part. “We’re both kinda messed up. How about we promise to take care of each other?”

“I promised myself years ago that I would take care of you.”

“Same, this time though let’s promise each other.”

The confirmation that his vow was requinted makes him dizzy, but he packs that thought away for another time. “I think I can do that.”

“I thought so. Alright then Hajime, I promise to always take care of you. In sickness and in health.”

“In sickness and in health,” he agrees.

It clicks to him then, something always known but now with a more solid foundation. They will be okay. They’ve always been. All along they’ve both been secretly looking out for each other, a connection that never needed to be discussed because they were so in sync that it came naturally to them. The road to this moment has been bumpy, and that may never change, but neither of them will ever walk that road alone.

~

It’s been four years since their last year of high school. Hajime’s hair has grown out a bit, and he’s beginning to fill out more in the shoulders. His jaw is more square than it used to be, and he’s gotten worse at time-management. California feels both exciting and terrifying all at once, even though he’s adjusted well. His mother has settled for calling him once a day rather than texting him by the hour like when he first left home(she’s still anxious about him being so far away), and he’s developed a reliable group of friends at his university. Adulthood is still relatively new to him, although by now he’s fallen into the swing of things. He was lucky enough to find a familiar face(hi, Ushiwaka), and he still finds time to toss around a volleyball in his free time.

Takahiro and Issei keep him updated on their lives. The whole group split up after high school, but when you’ve known people since middle school it’s not too hard to stay in touch. Takahiro just bought his first apartment and Issei decided to drop one of his classes. The two of them are reportedly “off again” but still on good terms, Hajime suspects they’ll be back together in less than four months.

He never did find out what happened to Fuyumi and Yoshiko, they started to drift after middle school. He still keeps up with them on social media, and occasionally he considers trying to contact one of them, but he never does. They appear to still be in touch, although he can’t quite tell if the nature of their relationship is still romantic. For the sake of nostalgia, he imagines it is.

His parents are doing well. They moved out of their old neighborhood two years after he left for university, and are now living in the city. It’s still weird to think about, since he lived on that street his whole life. His mom got a promotion at work and apparently his dad is trying to convince her that they should get a dog. Hajime hopes they do.

The first years graduated over a year ago, meaning Kindaichi and Kunimi have both already entered college. It hurts his head to think about, they were both so young the last time he saw them. Time slips through his fingers like sand at the beach nowadays. Trying to hold onto the past feels like eating soup with a fork. Yahaba and Kyotani have started dating, which he could have seen coming from a mile away. Watari was doing well last time they spoke, though he did say he was having trouble sticking with a major. Hajime’s definitely been there before.

A lot of things have changed since he’s gotten older, but one thing will always stay the same.

Tooru is visiting him for the week. They’re going to meet tonight at a cafe, since Hajime has class when Tooru’s plane is supposed to land. He offered to skip, but Tooru wanted to make their meetup more “romantic” since it’s the holiday season. Hajime finds it cute as fuck that they’ve been together all these years and Tooru still finds ways to make everything they do feel special. It’s not all him though, Hajime would be lying if he said he didn’t also have a hopeless romantic streak.

Which is why he is going to propose to Tooru.

Tonight.

Fuck, he’s nervous. So nervous, in fact, that he told Wakatoshi. He’d meant to keep it a secret, not even telling Takahiro and Issei(neither of those shits can keep a secret), but it slipped out. The day he bought the ring, everything suddenly felt so real and he’d started to panic a bit. Wakatoshi had, of course, noticed and asked him what was wrong. He needed to talk to someone who wasn’t one of his parents about it so he explained everything. Wakatoshi had been surprisingly understanding and had been successful in comforting him enough to stop him from chickening out.

“You love him, correct?”

“Yes,” Hajime had groaned.

“And you’ve always wanted to do this?”

“Since we were kids.”

“You’re sure now is the right time?”

“We won’t be able to actually get married any time soon because of the distance but- yes. I’m not sure why, but when he told me he was coming to visit I just knew. Things have a way of falling into place when it comes to us.”

“Then there’s no problem.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” he scoffed. But he’d known even then that Wakatoshi was right.

He wears a green coat and black slacks to the cafe, wanting to dress up just a bit for his boyfriend. Tooru will be pleasantly surprised to be outdressed for the first time, which will make for some witty banter that will help him relax. The ring box is secured in his right pocket, and he does his best to keep his gloved hands by his sides to avoid fidgeting with it.

It’s snowing today. The snow crunches underneath his boots as he trots along the pavement on his way to the cafe. His breath comes out in visible puffs, and he longs to warm up in Tooru’s arms with a coffee in his hands. He can practically hear Tooru chastising him for not getting a bus in this type of weather.

As he nears the cafe, his heart rate picks up.

What if Tooru says no?

Even if it’s unlikely, it’s still a possibility. One that Hajime would have to be stupid to ignore. It’s impractical to propose right now, when both their schedules are so busy they can hardly find the time to meet up. But with both their career paths, things will always be hectic, so there’s no point in waiting. Besides, they don’t have to get married immediately. Hajime just wants the more tangible promise of marrying Tooru someday. He wants Tooru to smile every time he looks down at his hand and sees the ring, for him to think of Hajime in those moments.

He just wants Tooru, in any and every way he can have him.

His breath stills when he sees Tooru in the window of the cafe. He sits at table for two in a blue cardigan with his luggage beside him and a menu in front of him. It doesn’t look like he’s been waiting for long, which makes Hajime feel slightly less guilty for taking his time on the walk here. Tooru has built quite a bit of muscle in Brazil, and his skin has a healthy tan to it now. Every day he becomes more breathtaking, and Hajime can’t help but smile at the sight of him.

As if on instinct, Tooru looks up and sees him through the glass. He is caught off guard at first, but his face lights up within seconds. Before Hajime can even wave at him, he is standing up from the table and rushing outside.

It’s not long before Hajime is tackled in a hug and- yep, he forgets that Tooru is taller than him every time. He nearly falls back with the force of the embrace, feet slipping dangerously on the icy pavement. He steadies himself just in time though, returning Tooru’s embrace as kisses are peppered along his face.

“Missed-you-Iwa-chan,” Tooru says between pecks.

Hajime captured his lips on the next kiss. “Missed you too, Shittykawa. Now let's go inside before my nose turns into an icicle.”

“Why didn’t you take a bus?”

Hajime smirks. Too predictable.

“This is California, it doesn’t snow often.”

“You’re gonna catch a cold,” he pouts.

“Are you my mother?”

“Shut up and get inside.”

They make their way to the table by the window, each taking a menu.

Hajime finds himself already relaxing in Tooru’s presence. Somehow, his boyfriend always makes things easier. He can do this.

“I don’t know why I’m acting like I can read this shit,” Tooru laughs. “But that looks like a sandwich to me so I’m getting that. Order for me, my English is terrible.”

“Fine but get the one with avocados, the other one tastes like cardboard.”

“What would I do without you? Anyways, why are you so dressed up?”

Hajime shrugs, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. “Maybe I just wanted to impress you.”

Tooru’s face lights up again. “You’re hiding something.”

“Shhh, the waiter’s coming.”

Hajime orders for the both of them and then they start to fill each other in on everything they missed since they last saw each other. Tooru tells him for perhaps the millionth time that Hinata Shoyo has “gotten hot now”, to which Hajime shoots back with “Ushijima is still hot”. Tooru talks about the people he’s met in Brazil, and how he finally feels like he’s adapting to the environment. He talks, of course, about how great beach volleyball is and how he’s likely to get recruited by a professional team sometime soon. Hajime talks begrudgingly about his classes and his university friends. He fills him in about his parents’ debate over getting a dog, and Tooru tells him about how Takeru still plays volleyball. They talk about potentially meeting up with Takahiro and Issei soon to celebrate the holidays as a group, and place bets on when the two of them will get back together.

Once the food comes out, their conversation dissipates a bit. It becomes clear that Tooru was very hungry, because the time it takes him to finish his entire plate has got to be a new record. Hajime takes his time finishing his food, growing more nervous by the minute. Their meal is reaching its conclusion, he’s running out of time. It’s now or never.

“Will you just tell me what’s on your mind already?” Tooru blurts, snapping Hajime out of his thoughts. He’d been nudging his macaroni with a fork, unable to eat with the amount of butterflies that were in his stomach.

He blinks, blood rushing to his face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit, you’ve been on edge ever since we started eating and it’s making me nervous. What’s going on, Hajime? Are you going to break up with me?” He says that last part a little softer, face paling.

“What?” Hajime nearly jumps out of his seat at the accusation. “Why would you think that?”

“I dunno,” he frowns. “You’re acting weird, I guess I just assumed the worst.”

“Well, you assumed wrong.”

“So you’re not breaking up with me?”

“No, you idiot, I’m proposing!”

He freezes as soon as the words leave his mouth, eyes widening at the realization of what he just said. Did he really just give it away? So much for romance. Tooru’s definitely not going to accept it now.

Tooru’s expression changes, soft lips parting in disbelief. “You’re what?”

“Forget it I- shit, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.”

“Do you mean it?”

“I meant to make this better for you, I’m sorry.”

“Show me the ring.”

“What?”

“You did buy a ring, right?” He narrows his eyes.

“Of course I bought a ring!”

“Well, then show it to me.”

Hajime begins to pull it out of his pocket but Tooru stops him.

“What are you doing?”

“You told me to-”

“Not like that, dummy. Get down on one knee and do it properly.”

“You know, you’re really bossy.”

“Just do it already.”

“Fine,” Hajime rolls his eyes.

He gets out of his chair and sinks down onto one knee, ignoring the small gasps from the people around him. He pulls out the small box from his right pocket and opens it to reveal a small, silver band with green and blue diamonds in the center. Tooru’s eyes widen at the sight, which does nothing to soothe Hajime’s alarmingly increasing heartbeat.

He clears his throat. “Um, Tooru-”

“That’s really how you’re starting this? ‘Um Tooru’?”

“No, go ahead, the floor is open for criticism. Not like I’m nervous or anything.”

“Just get on with it.”

“I’m trying.”

“I’ll be quiet this time, I promise.”

“You better be,” he takes a deep breath. “I don’t have a speech prepared. I wrote multiple but I ended up throwing them all out because I kept imagining you laughing at me for planning this so much so I figured I’d just wing it.”

“How’s that going for ya?”

“Zip it,” he sneers. “Tooru, you are my best friend. I can’t imagine a life without you because when I look back on my life, you’ve always been in it. I know we haven’t always been kind to each other, but we’ve always been there for each other. We’ve tackled every problem, celebrated every victory, and dealt with every failure together, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. When we were five years old I threw a rock at your mouth and you told me I could make it up to you by marrying you. We’re twenty-two now, and I believe I still have a promise to fulfill. I couldn’t be prouder to have you as a partner. Please marry me.”

Tooru’s eyes shine as he smiles down at him, taking his hand. “You’re such a sap.”

“Is that a yes or no?”

“Of course it’s a yes, you idiot.”

Tooru throws his arms around him, peppering kisses all over his face. There is a round of applause from the restaurant, which should probably make Hajime regret doing this in public. He doesn’t feel an ounce of regret right now though, only insurmountable love for the man in his arms right now.

Tooru pulls away to beam at him, stars in his eyes. “I love you, have I ever told you that?”

Hajime grins back at him, pulling him close. “A couple times, yeah.”

The first time Oikawa Tooru asked Iwaizumi Hajime to marry him happened when they were five years old. And the last time Iwaizumi Hajime asked Oikawa Tooru to marry him happened when they were twenty-two years old, in a small cafe inside a memory they would be telling people for years to come. Hajime doesn’t care for the tedious bits, hardly looks forward to the way Issei and Takahiro will tease him about this when they tell them later. But he knows that all of it is worth it to get to spend the rest of his life the same way he’s always lived it- with Tooru.